"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien
"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it 'Dancing Around the Questions.' I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as 'Ebony and History.'" --Jay Leno
"Boy, that was dull, wasn't it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president's ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, 'showing off.'" --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric's interview, she called it 'gotcha journalism.' Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls 'you betcha!' journalism." --Jay Leno
"You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno
"Tonight's presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator's questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly. No, it's a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a sermon on the mount. See, it's a little different." --Jay Leno
"With all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21." --Jay Leno
"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin kept winking at the camera. See that? She kept winking all the time. For a minute, I thought maybe John McCain had been captured again and she was trying it to send some kind of a signal." --Jay Leno
"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno
"John McCain said he watched the debate from his living room at his home in Arizona. He said he would have applauded Sarah Palin, but every time he clapped at home, the lights go on and off." --Jay Leno
"Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers
David Letterman's "Top Ten Messages Left on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine"
10. Hi, it's John McCain; I had to go to bed. How'd it go?
9. Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?
8. Hi, it's Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd's out of town.
7. My name is Joseph Sixpack -- knock it off.
6. Hi, Katie Couric again -- think of any newspapers yet?
5. Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's a bridge to hilarity.
4. John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?
3. Senator Larry Craig here -- do you have Joe Biden's phone number?
2. McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?
1. It's President Bush. If you're at the debate, who's watchin' Russia?
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations. I don't know if you saw this story, but the new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders. Oh, you betcha. Oh, you're darn right she did. Oh yeah, God bless. And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher
"Now, of course, everyone's still talking about Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric, where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Yeah, apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese." --Conan O'Brien
"Larry Flynt announced he's making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive. Barack Obama called it inappropriate. Bill Clinton said he'll reserve judgment until he sees the film." --Conan O'Brien
"A new study has found that the number of illegal immigrants coming into the United States has declined as our economy has faltered. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Do I know how to fix a problem or what?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier tonight, they held the vice presidential debate. I understand that Sarah Palin has been preparing all week at John McCain's ranch in Arizona. She said looking out at the desert gave her a real feel for the Middle East." --Jay Leno
"I wish these smart Republicans could at least admit they don't want to see her in the White House either. They want to see her splayed out on the hood of a car in a Kenny Chesney video." --Bill Maher
"But I, you know, say what you will, I think one of the most embarrassing moments of the whole night was when Joe Biden had to say oh, oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening to the question. I was thinking about Sarah naked." --David Letterman
"Before the debate, Biden's team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Palin directly and instead, focus on linking John McCain to George Bush and the economy. Palin's people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, flush him out into an open area, and then go for a clean shot through the lungs. You don't want to mess up the head -- that's the trophy." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is the first time an Alaskan has ever been on a national ticket, and it also might be the last, depending on how it goes. So across the state of Alaska, all eyes were on the debate. Pipeline workers set aside their wrenches, trappers dropped their beaver pelts, whalers put down their blubber knives, Eskimo families took a break from loading their grandparents onto ice floes. There has not been this much excitement in Alaska since the last time they saw the sun, quite frankly." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The big question, I don't know if anyone has asked yet, while Sarah Palin is yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who's keeping an eye on the Russians? I feel very unprotected right now." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Last night, the Senate passed the bailout bill, 74-25. They said one of the reason it passed is that lawmakers stopped calling it a bailout bill, and started calling it a rescue bill. See, they changed the name. I'm sorry. Isn't that called putting lipstick on a pig?" --Jay Leno
"According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president." --Jay Leno
Well, in international news, the man considered to be the leader of the Taliban ... inside of Pakistan, has died of kidney failure. See, that's when you know the war on terrorism has gone on for too long. When our enemies are dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno
"But anyway, I guess we should be happy the bailout bill passed. 74 yeas, 25 nays, and one 'Fabulous!' from Senator Larry Craig. Fabulous!" --David Letterman
"The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place tomorrow night in St. Louis. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware faces off with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Teams of technicians have been working around the clock, trying to figure out how to run an internet cable directly into the back of her skull to feed her the information. Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night's debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night's swimsuit competition." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Here's some good news. The government is talking about stimulus checks again. The bad news? We're the ones that are writing them." --Jay Leno
"Aren't you tired of hearing these economic experts talking on TV? It's time for America to get back to air-headed celebrities. Britney, Paris, Lindsay, your country needs you right now. I mean, what would you rather focus on, some Wall Street guy who lost his shirt, or Britney losing her panties?" --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Sarah Palin, I don't know if you saw this, but last night during an interview on CBS, Sarah Palin said, this is a quote, 'One of my best friends is a lesbian and I love her dearly.' Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Prove it.'" --Conan O'Brien
"But don't kid yourself. This is for all the marbles, this debate tomorrow night. And Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard on preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today in Arizona we just heard that she shot a donkey." --David Letterman
EMAIL ALERT
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it...it might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it...it might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can,
Interstate Water,
National Gas Company,
Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
And a reworked Oldie Goldie in a similar vein:
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
No need to thank me. I only want to help everyone to become wealthy.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked POLITICIAN: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politician?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Baseball – Just in time for the World Series - The All American game explained:
This is a game played by two teams. When one is out the other is in. The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones who are out get three outs from the ones who are in, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to try to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in. The game will end when both teams have been in and out nine times, but only if one team has more ins without being out. Otherwise both teams go in and out again in the hopes that one team will have more ins than the other, unless it rains. Now, do you understand it?
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!' 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!' Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. 'What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.' On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “where's my hundred?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.” The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”
An illegal alien picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks. '$100,' she replies. In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?' 'No' she says. 'How about $200 to do Immigrant Style.' 'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is. 'How about $300?' 'No', she says. 'How about $400?' 'No', she says. So finally he says, 'OK, how about $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'' So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?' The illegal alien replies 'You send bill to Government.'
Oldie Goldie
This probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off." Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday Funnies October 3 08
"But we have the big vice presidential debate coming up on Thursday, and Sarah Palin is busy preparing. Right now, for example, she is practicing her caribou-caught-in-the-lights look." --David Letterman
"Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it's not going that well because she keeps saying, 'I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.'" --David Letterman
"Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien
"With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that's the key to saving the economy. Send these idiots home so they can't screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That's the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new 'just say no' program. McCain told Sarah Palin, 'If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'" --Jay Leno
"Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate." --Jay Leno
"Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it." --Jay Leno
"Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it." --Jay Leno
"As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have." --Jay Leno
"You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn't agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors." --Jay Leno
"Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder." --Conan O'Brien
"And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Palin has been all over the news recently. Yesterday, she was in New York at the U.N. General Assembly to meet with leaders from other countries. Previously, her world experience had been limited to a visit to the Epcot Center in Orlando." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election." --Jimmy Kimmel
"As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. ... How many thought they were watching an episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno
"I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?" --Jay Leno
"As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!" –Jay Leno
"I'll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion." --Jay Leno
Just in time for the elections on both sides of the border, here are some righteous jabs at liberals:
Canadian Immigration: From the MANITOBA HERALD (a very underground newspaper):
The possibility of a McCain-Palin election win is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, attend only fundamentalist church, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latté and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizen passengers on the lyrics of Perry Como, Rosemary Clooney and Nat “King” Cole songs to prove they were alive in the ‘50s.
“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show and give the first names of 2 Lennon Sisters, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
“I feel sorry for American liberals but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history and English majors does one country need?”
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.
As a liberal I must officially register my indignation and, that done, I’ll go back to my lunch of braised tofu and sushi with white wine while I watch a Michael Moore movie!
Oldie Goldie
A young man goes into the job center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.' 'Oh, okay...is that where the job is?' 'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking, older retired airline pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, 'I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?' The girl says, 'I'll go first.' She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, 'I've never seen a display like that in my life.' He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, 'Can you top that?' The tough old pilot replies, 'No problem! Just get that goddam lion out of the way!'
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy." "Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
The meek shall inherit the earth...if it's okay with the rest of you.
Gasoline prices have gotten so high these days, street gangs are having to do walk-bys.
"How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What's so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner."
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
During a lesson, my driving instructor commented that he was seeing spots before his eyes. "That could be serious," I said. "For years, my father complained of seeing spots before being diagnosed with a detached retina. You really should see a doctor immediately." "Or," replied the instructor, "you could just turn the windshield wipers on."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined." I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial. My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said 'dirty magazines,' I meant the clips from their rifles hadn't been cleaned."
Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby. Devora went into labour on Shabbat so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the Shabbat violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver. The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"
The Importance of Walking and Excercise:
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
- I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well she looks good, doesn't she?'
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
- We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour Place and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' 'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Jock, a Scottish painter, tried to save a penny where ever he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this most of the time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock, recognizing a judgment from the Almighty, got down on his knees and cried: 'Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?' And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'
Here’s what to do when you have a “I Hate My Job” day:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department for Johnson & Johnson”
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind Sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother: 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.' Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?' 'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'
"Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it's not going that well because she keeps saying, 'I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.'" --David Letterman
"Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien
"With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that's the key to saving the economy. Send these idiots home so they can't screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That's the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new 'just say no' program. McCain told Sarah Palin, 'If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'" --Jay Leno
"Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate." --Jay Leno
"Actually, think about that, if she did do it, she could be the first Playmate on a bear-skin rug she shot herself. Think about it." --Jay Leno
"Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it." --Jay Leno
"As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have." --Jay Leno
"You know, these things are so complicated. I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts, and they couldn't agree on which part to implement first: the smoke or the mirrors." --Jay Leno
"Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder." --Conan O'Brien
"And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn. But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Palin has been all over the news recently. Yesterday, she was in New York at the U.N. General Assembly to meet with leaders from other countries. Previously, her world experience had been limited to a visit to the Epcot Center in Orlando." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election." --Jimmy Kimmel
"As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. ... How many thought they were watching an episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno
"I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?" --Jay Leno
"As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!" –Jay Leno
"I'll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion." --Jay Leno
Just in time for the elections on both sides of the border, here are some righteous jabs at liberals:
Canadian Immigration: From the MANITOBA HERALD (a very underground newspaper):
The possibility of a McCain-Palin election win is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, attend only fundamentalist church, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latté and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizen passengers on the lyrics of Perry Como, Rosemary Clooney and Nat “King” Cole songs to prove they were alive in the ‘50s.
“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show and give the first names of 2 Lennon Sisters, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
“I feel sorry for American liberals but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history and English majors does one country need?”
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.
As a liberal I must officially register my indignation and, that done, I’ll go back to my lunch of braised tofu and sushi with white wine while I watch a Michael Moore movie!
Oldie Goldie
A young man goes into the job center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.' 'Oh, okay...is that where the job is?' 'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking, older retired airline pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, 'I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?' The girl says, 'I'll go first.' She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, 'I've never seen a display like that in my life.' He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, 'Can you top that?' The tough old pilot replies, 'No problem! Just get that goddam lion out of the way!'
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy." "Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
The meek shall inherit the earth...if it's okay with the rest of you.
Gasoline prices have gotten so high these days, street gangs are having to do walk-bys.
"How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What's so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner."
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
During a lesson, my driving instructor commented that he was seeing spots before his eyes. "That could be serious," I said. "For years, my father complained of seeing spots before being diagnosed with a detached retina. You really should see a doctor immediately." "Or," replied the instructor, "you could just turn the windshield wipers on."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined." I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial. My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said 'dirty magazines,' I meant the clips from their rifles hadn't been cleaned."
Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby. Devora went into labour on Shabbat so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the Shabbat violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver. The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"
The Importance of Walking and Excercise:
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
- I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well she looks good, doesn't she?'
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
- We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour Place and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' 'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Jock, a Scottish painter, tried to save a penny where ever he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this most of the time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock, recognizing a judgment from the Almighty, got down on his knees and cried: 'Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?' And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'
Here’s what to do when you have a “I Hate My Job” day:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department for Johnson & Johnson”
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind Sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother: 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.' Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?' 'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'
Friday Funnies September 26 08
"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller." --Jay Leno
"They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. Okay, that's what we should do." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he'd appear on MSNBC. That's the way to do it in this country." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien
"All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley." --David Letterman
"Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman
"But Sarah Palin is having a great time in New York City. Today, as a matter of fact, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman
"John McCain has been now endorsed by Donald Trump, and Sarah Palin has been endorsed by Lens Crafters." --David Letterman
"The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, the Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound" –Jay Leno
"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno
"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno
"The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Somebody hacked into vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin email account and posted it all online. Apparently, the hacker was able to figure out her password, which turned out to be bible-hockey-lipstick-gun." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien
"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher
"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher
"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher
"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros."
Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton cancelled an appearance at the UN next week, after learning that Sarah Palin was also invited. And after Hillary canceled, the group canceled Sarah Palin, saying they didn't want any politicians. Which is a shame, because this would have been Sarah Palin's first trip to the United Nations. Although to her credit, she has been to the International House of Pancakes." -Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin's husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena, and he is ignoring it. ... So it looks like this guy's going to have no trouble fitting into Washington. He seems to pick it up right away. It's like second nature" --Jay Leno
"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler
"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
"Speaking of politics, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s, he smoked marijuana. Yeah. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned, you could understand every word he was saying." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the mini-series 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno
"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno
"Now, here's how bad the economy is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno
"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno
I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....
- If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
- Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.
- If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
- Name your kids Willow , Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
- Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
- Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
- If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
- If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.
- If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
- If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
- If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
- If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.
- If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.
- If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.
OK, much clearer now.
All eyes were on Sarah Palin last week as she sat down for her first big girl interview with ABC's Charles Gibson. It was a big moment for both her fans and her detractors, and a chance for her to prove once and for all that she has the skillz to pay the vice presidential billz. How'd she do?
Well, not bad, unless you factor in her attempts to link Iraq to 9/11 (an idea that even President Bush abandoned) and her caribou-in-the-headlights reaction to a question about the Bush Doctrine, which she was unable to define.
OK, she's not bright, but neither are the Americans who have shifted their support to McCain because she joined his ticket. Are you one of them, or us? Take the Sarah Palin history quiz, and match each historical event to Palin's description of it.
1. The Louisiana Purchase
2. The Great Depression
3. Reconstruction era
4. Tennessee Valley Authority
5. Domino theory
6. Manhattan Project
7. Boxer Rebellion
8. Marshall Plan
9. Hiroshima and Nagasaki
10. SALT accords
11. Appomattox
12. Draft riots
a. Tanya Tucker's first band.
b. Track had to get this removed before it ruptured.
c. Get a $10 coupon when you spend $100 in this department store's "petites" section.
d. How New York Jews control the banking system.
e. Postpartum suffering after I had Willow.
f. A brief and difficult time in history when Todd decided he preferred "free-balling."
g. When the local pub decided to go low-sodium on their mooseburgers.
h. What happened when the local pub ran out of Coors Light on tap to wash down our low-sodium mooseburgers.
i. Two hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and a fistful of Mardis Gras beads. Whoooo!
j. Your pizza is delivered in 30 minutes or it's free.
k. Botox and neck lipo... shhh, it's my little secret.
l. Not sure. I don't really like sushi.
Answers: 1-i, 2-e, 3-k, 4-a, 5-j, 6-d, 7-f, 8-c, 9-l, 10-g, 11-b, 12-h
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist". That's when the proctologist fainted.
Top 30 Sexist Female Jokes
1. Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6.What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]hole weak.
8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
10. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
16. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18.How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
21.Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow-job.
22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
23. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
25.Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
28. Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
30. How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Words of wisdom:
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. But, if you give her any crap, be prepared to get back a ton of shit.
Recently I was asked to run a marathon. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me: 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought.......Fuck... I could win this!
May God bless church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
And now a couple from synagogues:
- Under same management for over 5,763 years.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
- What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?
- Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
- Sign over the urinal: 'The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.'
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: 'shmuck.' At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, 'I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .. and forgot to write a letter. '
And for Jews preparing for the High Holy Days, a form for reserved Synagogue seats:
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the ... (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____Stock market
_____Sports
_____Medicine
_____Congregant's secret medical tragedies
_____General gossip
_____Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The Rabbi
_____ The cantor
_____ The cantor's voice
_____ The cantor's wife
_____ The rabbi's wife
_____ The cantor's wife's voice
_____ The rabbi's 'secretary'
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor's relatives
_____ Politics
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other: ___________________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Real estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sexologist
_____ Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:_____________________________
4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the Kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)
5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(limit of 6: if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)
Your name; ______________________ Building fund pledge: _______________________
"I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller." --Jay Leno
"They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. Okay, that's what we should do." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he'd appear on MSNBC. That's the way to do it in this country." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien
"All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley." --David Letterman
"Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman
"But Sarah Palin is having a great time in New York City. Today, as a matter of fact, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman
"John McCain has been now endorsed by Donald Trump, and Sarah Palin has been endorsed by Lens Crafters." --David Letterman
"The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, the Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound" –Jay Leno
"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno
"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno
"The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Somebody hacked into vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin email account and posted it all online. Apparently, the hacker was able to figure out her password, which turned out to be bible-hockey-lipstick-gun." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien
"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher
"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher
"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher
"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros."
Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton cancelled an appearance at the UN next week, after learning that Sarah Palin was also invited. And after Hillary canceled, the group canceled Sarah Palin, saying they didn't want any politicians. Which is a shame, because this would have been Sarah Palin's first trip to the United Nations. Although to her credit, she has been to the International House of Pancakes." -Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin's husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena, and he is ignoring it. ... So it looks like this guy's going to have no trouble fitting into Washington. He seems to pick it up right away. It's like second nature" --Jay Leno
"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler
"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
"Speaking of politics, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s, he smoked marijuana. Yeah. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned, you could understand every word he was saying." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the mini-series 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno
"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno
"Now, here's how bad the economy is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno
"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno
I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....
- If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
- Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.
- If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
- Name your kids Willow , Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
- Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
- Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
- If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
- If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.
- If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
- If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
- If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
- If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.
- If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.
- If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.
OK, much clearer now.
All eyes were on Sarah Palin last week as she sat down for her first big girl interview with ABC's Charles Gibson. It was a big moment for both her fans and her detractors, and a chance for her to prove once and for all that she has the skillz to pay the vice presidential billz. How'd she do?
Well, not bad, unless you factor in her attempts to link Iraq to 9/11 (an idea that even President Bush abandoned) and her caribou-in-the-headlights reaction to a question about the Bush Doctrine, which she was unable to define.
OK, she's not bright, but neither are the Americans who have shifted their support to McCain because she joined his ticket. Are you one of them, or us? Take the Sarah Palin history quiz, and match each historical event to Palin's description of it.
1. The Louisiana Purchase
2. The Great Depression
3. Reconstruction era
4. Tennessee Valley Authority
5. Domino theory
6. Manhattan Project
7. Boxer Rebellion
8. Marshall Plan
9. Hiroshima and Nagasaki
10. SALT accords
11. Appomattox
12. Draft riots
a. Tanya Tucker's first band.
b. Track had to get this removed before it ruptured.
c. Get a $10 coupon when you spend $100 in this department store's "petites" section.
d. How New York Jews control the banking system.
e. Postpartum suffering after I had Willow.
f. A brief and difficult time in history when Todd decided he preferred "free-balling."
g. When the local pub decided to go low-sodium on their mooseburgers.
h. What happened when the local pub ran out of Coors Light on tap to wash down our low-sodium mooseburgers.
i. Two hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's and a fistful of Mardis Gras beads. Whoooo!
j. Your pizza is delivered in 30 minutes or it's free.
k. Botox and neck lipo... shhh, it's my little secret.
l. Not sure. I don't really like sushi.
Answers: 1-i, 2-e, 3-k, 4-a, 5-j, 6-d, 7-f, 8-c, 9-l, 10-g, 11-b, 12-h
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist". That's when the proctologist fainted.
Top 30 Sexist Female Jokes
1. Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6.What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]hole weak.
8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
10. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
16. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18.How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
21.Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow-job.
22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
23. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
25.Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
28. Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
30. How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Words of wisdom:
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. But, if you give her any crap, be prepared to get back a ton of shit.
Recently I was asked to run a marathon. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me: 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought.......Fuck... I could win this!
May God bless church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
And now a couple from synagogues:
- Under same management for over 5,763 years.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
- What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?
- Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
- Sign over the urinal: 'The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.'
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: 'shmuck.' At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, 'I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .. and forgot to write a letter. '
And for Jews preparing for the High Holy Days, a form for reserved Synagogue seats:
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the ... (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____Stock market
_____Sports
_____Medicine
_____Congregant's secret medical tragedies
_____General gossip
_____Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The Rabbi
_____ The cantor
_____ The cantor's voice
_____ The cantor's wife
_____ The rabbi's wife
_____ The cantor's wife's voice
_____ The rabbi's 'secretary'
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor's relatives
_____ Politics
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other: ___________________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Real estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sexologist
_____ Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:_____________________________
4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the Kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)
5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(limit of 6: if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)
Your name; ______________________ Building fund pledge: _______________________
Friday Funnies September 19 08
"U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?"--Jay Leno
"The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name." --Jay Leno
"I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'" --Jay Leno
"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people." --Jay Leno
"Actually, John McCain attended his own fund-raiser tonight, where he raised even more money. He had dinner with his wife." --Jay Leno
"It has been revealed that Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Of course, it wasn't just a tanning bed -- in a pinch, it also works as a moose smoker. The plan is not only to overshadow Hillary as a female candidate, but also overshadow Barack Obama as the black candidate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to her, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name, Murphy's Law." --Jay Leno
"Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works." --Jay Leno
"They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck." --Conan O'Brien
"The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And as you know, McCain ... is a true American war hero. And today, a new video was released of John McCain being tortured by his captors. I want to warn you, this is very disturbing [on screen: McCain on 'The View']." --Jay Leno
"A new study just came out. According to the study ... Mexico is one of the happiest countries in the world. Isn't that nice? Yeah, apparently people from Mexico are happy because most of them get to live in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien
"But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin." --David Letterman
"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin. Were you aware of this, that at one point she was mayor of a town called Wasilla, Alaska? Wasilla, Alaska, I went to look at it. There is only one store in Wasilla, honest to God: Bed, Bath and Way Beyond." --David Letterman
"And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?" --Jay Leno
"They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno
"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' ... I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno
"This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on 'The View.' At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he's elected. By the way, he never answered her." --Jimmy Kimmel
"After the 'The View,' he taped a Rachael Ray show. He did a recipe, it was one of Sarah Palin's favorite recipes, spaghetti and moose balls. And she said it was delicious." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama was talking about McCain's policies. He said: 'You cannot put lipstick on a pig. If you do, it's still a pig.' This was supposed to describe McCain's policies; McCain said he was actually talking about Sarah Palin. Which is very unfair, because pigs are smart. They don't believe in creationism. And by the way, memo to all the geniuses who took it this way: it's called a metaphor." --Bill Maher
"And Obama yesterday had lunch with Bill Clinton, 'cause if there's one guy who knows a thing or two about pigs and lipstick, it's him." --Bill Maher
"Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced backup, earning Cassel the nickname, Sarah Palin." --Seth Meyers
"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler
"All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody's very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change." --David Letterman
"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno
"Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it." --Jay Leno
"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take change. He will now accept change." --Jay Leno
"Well, I guess it's getting serious, because Barack Obama's going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno
Updated Oldie Goldie
The golfer walked up to the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.' The man behind the counter says, 'The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.' The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, 'I think my driver will do the job.' The robot caddie turned to the man and said, 'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.' Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, 'I think this green is gonna break left to right.' The robot then again spoke up and said, 'No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left' Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, 'How was your game?' The golfer stated, 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.' The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, 'Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.' Confused, the golfer cried, 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible' The man sighed and said, 'Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.' The golfer said, 'So then why didn't you just paint them black?' The man nodded sadly and replied, 'We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.'
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible...
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007: How dumb have we become?
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Golf Terms
1) A 'Paris Hilton,'-- an expensive hole,
2) A 'James Joyce,'-- an impossible read
3) A 'Rock Hudson,'-- looked straighter than it was
4) A 'Cuban,'-- needed one more revolution
5) An 'Elton John,'-- a big bender that lips the rim
6) A 'Monica Lewinsky'-- all lip, no hole
7) A 'Lou Gehrig,'-- a dead Yank,
8) A 'German,'-- a hookenflecker,
9) An 'Adolf Hitler,'-- two shots in the bunker
10) A 'Saddam Hussein,'-- from one bunker straight into another
11) A 'Yasser Arafat,'-- ugly and in the sand
12) A 'Kate Winslett,'-- little bit fat but otherwise perfect
13) A 'John Kennedy, Jr.,'-- didn't make it over the water
14) An 'Elephant's Ass,'-- it's high and it stinks
15) A 'Rodney King,'-- over-clubbed
16) An 'O.J. Simpson,'-- got away with it
17) A 'Princess Grace,'-- should have taken a driver
18) A 'Princess Di,'-- shouldn't have taken a driver
19) A 'George W.,'-- fading quickly
20) A 'condom,'-- safe, but didn't feel very good
21) An 'Anna Kournikova,'-- looks great, but unlikely to get a result
22) A 'Brazilian,'-- shaved the hole
A 2007 study found that the average Canadian walks about 738 miles a year. Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 18 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.' Damn good value that!
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ."Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:" And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?" The young man says :"I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her .... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A distinguished looking man goes to the Ritz Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend. After due study of the wine list, he orders a bottle of the 1928 Mouton Rothschild. The waiter returns with the wine and pours a small amount into the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, sniffs the wine and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not 1928 Mouton Rothschild." The waiter does his best to reassure him it is, and soon there is a throng surrounding the table including the manager, all trying to convince the man the wine is in fact 1928 Mouton Rothschild. Finally, someone asks the man how he knows the wine is not 1928 Mouton Rothschild. The man replies: "My name is Baron Philippe de Rothschild and I make the wine." At this point, the waiter steps forward and admits he poured Clerc Milon 1928. He says, "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton Rothschild. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you harvest the grapes at the same time, you crush the same way, you put the wine in similar barrels, you bottle at the same time, and they are the same except for a small matter of geographic location." The Baron beckons the waiter forward and whispers to him..." When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her panties. Put one finger in the front opening and another finger in the back, and then smell both fingers. You will then understand what a small distance in geographic location makes."
Four Jewish brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama.' The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.' The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.' The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it. The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
Milton, bubele, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, mayn sheyne kinde, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachem, tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!
PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
"Well, let's see, Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America. See, that's when you know the subprime mortgage market is bad, even brokerage houses are losing their houses. That's why they're called brokers. After they take your money, you're broker. You see?"--Jay Leno
"The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name." --Jay Leno
"I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'" --Jay Leno
"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people." --Jay Leno
"Actually, John McCain attended his own fund-raiser tonight, where he raised even more money. He had dinner with his wife." --Jay Leno
"It has been revealed that Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Of course, it wasn't just a tanning bed -- in a pinch, it also works as a moose smoker. The plan is not only to overshadow Hillary as a female candidate, but also overshadow Barack Obama as the black candidate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to her, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right?. Well, we are. Well, we are, we know it by it's other name, Murphy's Law." --Jay Leno
"Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works." --Jay Leno
"They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck." --Conan O'Brien
"The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And as you know, McCain ... is a true American war hero. And today, a new video was released of John McCain being tortured by his captors. I want to warn you, this is very disturbing [on screen: McCain on 'The View']." --Jay Leno
"A new study just came out. According to the study ... Mexico is one of the happiest countries in the world. Isn't that nice? Yeah, apparently people from Mexico are happy because most of them get to live in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien
"But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin." --David Letterman
"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin. Were you aware of this, that at one point she was mayor of a town called Wasilla, Alaska? Wasilla, Alaska, I went to look at it. There is only one store in Wasilla, honest to God: Bed, Bath and Way Beyond." --David Letterman
"And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?" --Jay Leno
"They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno
"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' ... I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno
"This morning, Senator McCain and his wife, Cindy, stopped in for a visit of the ladies on 'The View.' At one point, Whoopi Goldberg asked John McCain if she should worry about slavery making a comeback if he's elected. By the way, he never answered her." --Jimmy Kimmel
"After the 'The View,' he taped a Rachael Ray show. He did a recipe, it was one of Sarah Palin's favorite recipes, spaghetti and moose balls. And she said it was delicious." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama was talking about McCain's policies. He said: 'You cannot put lipstick on a pig. If you do, it's still a pig.' This was supposed to describe McCain's policies; McCain said he was actually talking about Sarah Palin. Which is very unfair, because pigs are smart. They don't believe in creationism. And by the way, memo to all the geniuses who took it this way: it's called a metaphor." --Bill Maher
"And Obama yesterday had lunch with Bill Clinton, 'cause if there's one guy who knows a thing or two about pigs and lipstick, it's him." --Bill Maher
"Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced backup, earning Cassel the nickname, Sarah Palin." --Seth Meyers
"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler
"All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody's very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change." --David Letterman
"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno
"Well, more good news this week for John McCain. It seems he is now matching Barack Obama's fundraising numbers. But he does have a slight advantage. See, for every dollar McCain raises, Medicare matches it." --Jay Leno
"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take change. He will now accept change." --Jay Leno
"Well, I guess it's getting serious, because Barack Obama's going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno
Updated Oldie Goldie
The golfer walked up to the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.' The man behind the counter says, 'The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.' The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, 'I think my driver will do the job.' The robot caddie turned to the man and said, 'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.' Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, 'I think this green is gonna break left to right.' The robot then again spoke up and said, 'No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left' Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, 'How was your game?' The golfer stated, 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, 'I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.' The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, 'Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.' Confused, the golfer cried, 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible' The man sighed and said, 'Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.' The golfer said, 'So then why didn't you just paint them black?' The man nodded sadly and replied, 'We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.'
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible...
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007: How dumb have we become?
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Golf Terms
1) A 'Paris Hilton,'-- an expensive hole,
2) A 'James Joyce,'-- an impossible read
3) A 'Rock Hudson,'-- looked straighter than it was
4) A 'Cuban,'-- needed one more revolution
5) An 'Elton John,'-- a big bender that lips the rim
6) A 'Monica Lewinsky'-- all lip, no hole
7) A 'Lou Gehrig,'-- a dead Yank,
8) A 'German,'-- a hookenflecker,
9) An 'Adolf Hitler,'-- two shots in the bunker
10) A 'Saddam Hussein,'-- from one bunker straight into another
11) A 'Yasser Arafat,'-- ugly and in the sand
12) A 'Kate Winslett,'-- little bit fat but otherwise perfect
13) A 'John Kennedy, Jr.,'-- didn't make it over the water
14) An 'Elephant's Ass,'-- it's high and it stinks
15) A 'Rodney King,'-- over-clubbed
16) An 'O.J. Simpson,'-- got away with it
17) A 'Princess Grace,'-- should have taken a driver
18) A 'Princess Di,'-- shouldn't have taken a driver
19) A 'George W.,'-- fading quickly
20) A 'condom,'-- safe, but didn't feel very good
21) An 'Anna Kournikova,'-- looks great, but unlikely to get a result
22) A 'Brazilian,'-- shaved the hole
A 2007 study found that the average Canadian walks about 738 miles a year. Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 18 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.' Damn good value that!
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ."Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:" And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?" The young man says :"I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her .... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A distinguished looking man goes to the Ritz Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend. After due study of the wine list, he orders a bottle of the 1928 Mouton Rothschild. The waiter returns with the wine and pours a small amount into the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, sniffs the wine and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not 1928 Mouton Rothschild." The waiter does his best to reassure him it is, and soon there is a throng surrounding the table including the manager, all trying to convince the man the wine is in fact 1928 Mouton Rothschild. Finally, someone asks the man how he knows the wine is not 1928 Mouton Rothschild. The man replies: "My name is Baron Philippe de Rothschild and I make the wine." At this point, the waiter steps forward and admits he poured Clerc Milon 1928. He says, "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton Rothschild. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you harvest the grapes at the same time, you crush the same way, you put the wine in similar barrels, you bottle at the same time, and they are the same except for a small matter of geographic location." The Baron beckons the waiter forward and whispers to him..." When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her panties. Put one finger in the front opening and another finger in the back, and then smell both fingers. You will then understand what a small distance in geographic location makes."
Four Jewish brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama.' The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.' The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.' The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it. The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
Milton, bubele, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, mayn sheyne kinde, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachem, tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!
PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Friday Funnies September 12 08
"I'm feeling a little sheepish, ladies and gentlemen. I have a confession to make. Last night, I had my first naughty dream about a vice presidential candidate. And it wasn't Joe Biden." --David Letterman
Hey, no sign of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. A lot of speculation. Nobody's seen him. They say if he is not in the public eye for at least six months, you know what happens? He winds up on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --Jay Leno
"It surprised me. It looks like John McCain's speech last week beat Barack Obama's speech in the ratings. Isn't that amazing? Honest to God. That's like 'American Idol' being beaten by a rerun of 'Matlock.'" --Jay Leno
They say that John McCain's biggest challenge is to convince people that he's not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he's not George W. Bush." --Jay Leno
"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien
"All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn’t they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.'" --Jay Leno
"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno
"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno
"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno
"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman
"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman
"Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman
"Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman
And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno
"No, Palin had everybody mesmerized. Even Senator Larry Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, the cameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience they could zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour, they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group of Methodists." --Jay Leno
"We're learning more and more about John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. ... It turns out Sarah Palin, a life-time member of the National Rifle Association, and a firm believer in shotgun weddings."
--Jay Leno
"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9…She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman
"But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just volunteers." --David Letterman
First Draft of the Schedule of Events, 2008 Democrat National Convention
7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - DARRYL HANNAH
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore
8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA - Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:05 am CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA
1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
Very Punny
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Philosphy From Maxine:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way
Seven-year-olds thoughts on beer:
- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' --Tim, 7 years old
- 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ' --Mellanie, 7 years old
- 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old
- ''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old
- 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah, 7 years old
- 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old
- 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old
- 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. Piss on it and walk away.
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the rugby match. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervour! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365, Shall We Gather at the River."
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humour. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A man in a hotel lobby asks the desk clerk if he can smoke. The clerk says "yes, make yourself at home. The man took his cigarettes and put them in his pocket. The clerk said "sir, I said you can smoke, make yourself at home". The man responded "My wife doesn't let me smoke at home."
An old man is sitting outside his Italian villa, when his neighbour stops by and says "Are you sitting and thinking?" The old man replies "No, just sitting".
A grandmother on a train stops by the first compartment and says to everyone present, "Are there any grandparents here?" no response. She does the same thing for the nest 6 compartments with the same result. In the eighth one, a woman does say "Yes, I am". "Thank goodness,” said the grandmother, "finally someone to talk to."
Hey, no sign of the North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. A lot of speculation. Nobody's seen him. They say if he is not in the public eye for at least six months, you know what happens? He winds up on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --Jay Leno
"It surprised me. It looks like John McCain's speech last week beat Barack Obama's speech in the ratings. Isn't that amazing? Honest to God. That's like 'American Idol' being beaten by a rerun of 'Matlock.'" --Jay Leno
They say that John McCain's biggest challenge is to convince people that he's not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he's not George W. Bush." --Jay Leno
"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien
"All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn’t they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.'" --Jay Leno
"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno
"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno
"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno
"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman
"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman
"Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman
"Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman
And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno
"No, Palin had everybody mesmerized. Even Senator Larry Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, the cameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience they could zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour, they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group of Methodists." --Jay Leno
"We're learning more and more about John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. ... It turns out Sarah Palin, a life-time member of the National Rifle Association, and a firm believer in shotgun weddings."
--Jay Leno
"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9…She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman
"But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just volunteers." --David Letterman
First Draft of the Schedule of Events, 2008 Democrat National Convention
7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - DARRYL HANNAH
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore
8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA - Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:05 am CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA
1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
Very Punny
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Philosphy From Maxine:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way
Seven-year-olds thoughts on beer:
- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' --Tim, 7 years old
- 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ' --Mellanie, 7 years old
- 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old
- ''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old
- 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah, 7 years old
- 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old
- 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old
- 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. Piss on it and walk away.
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the rugby match. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervour! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365, Shall We Gather at the River."
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humour. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A man in a hotel lobby asks the desk clerk if he can smoke. The clerk says "yes, make yourself at home. The man took his cigarettes and put them in his pocket. The clerk said "sir, I said you can smoke, make yourself at home". The man responded "My wife doesn't let me smoke at home."
An old man is sitting outside his Italian villa, when his neighbour stops by and says "Are you sitting and thinking?" The old man replies "No, just sitting".
A grandmother on a train stops by the first compartment and says to everyone present, "Are there any grandparents here?" no response. She does the same thing for the nest 6 compartments with the same result. In the eighth one, a woman does say "Yes, I am". "Thank goodness,” said the grandmother, "finally someone to talk to."
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