"This happened yesterday at the White House. President Obama was talking to a bunch of people and he's using a teleprompter, tells him exactly what to say, they got the teleprompter, the things rolling by like that. All of a sudden, it overheats and explodes and crashes to the ground. The teleprompter. I read that, I said, 'Boy, I'm disappointed in this guy. What kind of a guy can't think and speak on his -- flip the card for me -- on his feet.'" --David Letterman
"I mean, you probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you what to say. In Bush's case, it was Cheney." --David Letterman
"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman"But the secret assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney." --David Letterman
"Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret, Cheney could tell you about it, but then he'd have to take you hunting." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee today. I guess they have to do that in order to be confirmed to the Supreme Court. Her confirmation is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but even the leading Republican said the only way she would not be confirmed is if she had a meltdown, in which case she'd be named the governor of Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel
"More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench." --Conan O'Brien
"Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can't take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don't want to offend Latino voters. That's why they no longer talk about the 'border fence.' It's now called the 'welcome wall.'" --Stephen Colbert
"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman
"Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat." --Conan O'Brien
"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien
"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use a Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien
"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama had a private, 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That's right, folks, the man considered by many followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the President's in Africa now. This is a big story. CNN's Anderson Cooper landed an exclusive interview with President Obama in Ghana. … So now, Obama's challenge will be to somehow pick Anderson Cooper out of a crowd of Africans." --Conan O'Brien
"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien"Bristol Palin's former fiance, Levi Johnston, told the press that he thinks Sarah Palin stepped down as governor so she could cash in on fame. Levi made this accusation while hosting a party in the Hamptons for Tommy Bahama dark rum." --Conan O'Brien
"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien
"It's frightening times, when you think about it, with all these dictators. And they are all smallish. They're all on the small side. Kim Jong-Il, tiny guy. Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, tiny guy. Mayor Bloomberg, tiny guy." --David Letterman
"But anyway, over the weekend, North Korea test-fired several missiles. And it was their way of saying: 'Iran's not the craziest country. We are the craziest country, so get ready.'" --David Letterman
"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our 'great allies.' He went on to say, 'Except, of course, for any time we've ever been to war.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is weird. It's been reported that Saddam Hussein's gun will be on display in George W. Bush's presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book." --Conan O'Brien
"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman
"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman
"But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn't look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" --David Letterman
"North Korea has gone nuts. I don't know what is going on over there. There was a huge computer attack. Was your computer okay? We had a big computer attack from — they don't know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department website. Man! I was stunned. I said, 'Whoa! The U.S. still has a Treasury Department?'" --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison:
10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell?
7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin Kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut.
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo 'America's Got Talent' for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out to Western Canada to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just..............................................a common tater!
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned / tinned pork because of swine flu.............. Ignore it. It's just spam.
Quotes ON TECHNOLOGY:
I don't believe in e-mail. I'm an old-fashioned girl. I prefer calling and hanging up. Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City
If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. Frank Lloyd Wright
Because Google is so popular, it's conceited. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? "Um, did you mean....?" Arj Barker, comedian
Personally, I'm waiting for caller IQ. Sandra Bernhard
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Arthur C. Clarke
We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology. Carl Sagan
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips, comedian
Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. Edward R. Murrow
Man has made many machines, complex and cunning, but which of them indeed rivals the workings of his heart? Pablo Casals, Joys and Sorrows
I took a two-year-old computer in to be repaired, and the guy looked at me as though he was a gun dealer and I'd brought him a musket. In two years I'd gone from cutting-edge to Amish. Jon Stewart
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. James Magary
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereo-type blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never really did any of that!”
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?” The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.' 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and 'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties....' 'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'Hunting Flies', he responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Joe grew up in Yorkton, then moved away to attend law at university. He decided to come back to Yorkton because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new law office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in Toronto that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary arguments and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the Crown Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from SaskTel and I came to hook up your phone."
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?' The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.' The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighbourhood on Long Island. Her neighbour was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked, "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to New York City this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and said, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra." Her neighbour thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he glanced at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me, ma'am, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures. Would you please sign your name?"The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"
Oldie Goldie
NEW YORK - Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck." An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday. "Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'" The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary "schmuck" usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word "schmuck" have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times -17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word "jerk" than "schmuck," 100 times more likely to use "dick," and 15,000 times more likely to use "fucking asshole." Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1..2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as "imbecile," "dummy," "schlub," and "contemptible ne'er-do-well" will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies. "We must save this word!" Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting "Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!" "How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks."
Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton, FL demonstration to show their support for the dying word.
"I've never told anyone this before," Brooks added, choking back tears, "but my father was a schmuck."
The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating "schmuck" into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word "schmuck," the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film. "The world cannot afford to lose this valuable and versatile word," Brooks told reporters during a charity auction in Manhattan's Upper West Side Tuesday, where attendees bid for the chance to have a private lunch with Brooks and repeatedly call him a schmuck. "You can be a poor schmuck, a lazy schmuck, a dumb schmuck, or just a plain old schmuck. A group of people can be collectively referred to as schmucks. You can call someone a schmuck, and you can be called a schmuck. You can even call yourself a schmuck." "Plus, it's just so fun to say," Brooks added. "Schmuck." Many of the foundation's volunteers say they share Brooks' passion for the word "schmuck," as well as his outrage that it is slowly disappearing from everyday use. They claim that if they do not act now, the trend could create a snowball effect. "Today its schmuck, tomorrow it might be toochis," said SFS volunteer Harry Steinbergmann, 82. "What's next, schlemiel? Putz? Schlimazel?" Steinbergmann went on to classify this scenario as farcockteh.
Oldie Goldie
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate, however, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. 'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He then pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. 'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.' 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
Even though I’m not yet a grandparent, I still get a chuckle out of these:
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.... The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Just a reminder for when you have an 'I Hate My Job day': Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson (It must be this brand). When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: ' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Just remember, there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the ass than yours!
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual with this, huh?!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Friday Funnies July 10 09
From the Farmer’s Almanac:
Your farmer’s market or local grocery stores are starting to sell their summer bounty. How to tell when fruit is ripe?
- Use your nose. Fruit such as melons, peaches, plums, and nectarines should offer a mild perfume but not an overpowering scent.
- A pineapple leaf should yield to a gentle tug.
- When you shake a honeydew melon, listen for a watery sound and loose seeds.
- When you thump a watermelon, it should go “plunk,” not “plink.”
- Berries should appear plump, not wrinkled. Fruit-stained baskets may indicate overripe fruit.
- Ripe mangoes and papayas should feel heavy for their size and have smooth skin. Both will continue to ripen, softening slightly so that they yield to the touch.
"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Obama met with Russian President Dimitry Medvedev. This morning, he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Then, this afternoon, he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting, Obama would twist the Russian leader at their waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out." --Conan O'Brien
"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. Obama was waving to her." --David Letterman
"But she's going to take the summer off, and then will come back next fall in the 10 o'clock slot." --David Letterman
"But friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman
"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house." --David Letterman"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman, referring to his feud with Palin
"Everybody have a nice, happy Fourth of July? We took Mom to see the fireworks. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. Every time, a big one goes off, my mom screams, 'It's North Korea! It's North Korea! Run!'" --David Letterman
"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman
"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman
"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson
"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson
"I have said Sarah Palin's political ambition combined with her intellect is like putting a jet engine on a golf cart; lots of horse power and no steering capabilities. Today she proved it." --Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore, whom Sarah Palin is threatening to sue.
Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine:
10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"
Top 10 Real Reasons Sarah Palin Is Resigning As Governor:
10. She's pregnant again and is having John Edwards' baby.
9. She's "hiking the Appalachian Trail" with Mark Sanford.
8. She wants to spend more time teaching abstinence to her family.
7. She's joining the cast of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"
6. She cracked under the strain of watching Russia from her house.
5. She wants to devote herself full-time to making comedians apologize for the new wave of jokes they're about to unleash on her.
4. Her daughter Bristol is actually having Alex Rodriguez's baby.
3. She's taking up Playboy's offer to pose nude as part of their upcoming "Governors Gone Wild" issue.
2. She came to the end of the Bridge to Nowhere that is her political career.
1. She didn't resign at all. It was an elaborate hoax pulled off by Tina Fey.
"On a more serious front, I sincerely hope that when the president goes in for his annual check-up, the doctors at Bethesda will do a brain scan. Surely something must be terribly wrong with a man who seems to be far more concerned with a Jew building a house in Israel than with Muslims building a nuclear bomb in Iran." - columnist Burt Prelutsky
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit usboth. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
After Costco, the wife and I went to Home Depot and as I was pushing my cart around I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'. The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' I said. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours. Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica and where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?" His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Maria, the maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. The lady was taken aback with the request and asked her maid why she thought an increase was justified. The following conversation ensued...
Maria: 'Well Madam, I have three reasons for wanting an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Lady: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Lady: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Lady: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Lady: "Oh, did he!!!
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Lady: (really angry now) "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
Lady: "How much extra pay were you thinking of?”
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s death... ".. .. ... .. ... ... .. .. .. . .. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... .. .. .. ... ... ... .... .. .. . .. . .. . . ... .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... .. .. .. .... .... .... .. .. . .. .. . .. .. . .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... .. .. ... ... ... ... .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. ... .. .. .... .. ... ... .. .. ... .. .. .. .. .. . "Deep stuff, eh? I nearly cried when he said, ‘. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... .....’”
And since the good golf weather is here:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. - Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. - John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. - Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. - Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. - Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. - Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. - Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. - Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. - Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! - Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. - Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. - Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. - Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. - Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. - Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. - All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. - Lee Trevino
24. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer
25. You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two in your pocket. - Lee Trevino
26. Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's not fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. - Arnold Daly
27. One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. - Don Carter; professional bowler
28. We learn so many things from golf . . . how to suffer, for instance. - Bruce Lansky
29. While playing golf today I hit two good balls, I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman
30. I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford
31. I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine. - Bruce Lansky
32. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron
33. God must have loved the double bogey golfer, because he made so many of them.
34. The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray. - Bruce Lansky
35. I've thought about buying those new, long-distance balls, but I wonder -- what's the point of hitting golf balls even further out of bounds? - Bruce Lansky
36. The more I practice, the luckier I get. - Gary Player
37. My golf pro said, "Practice makes perfect," He lied. - Bruce Lansky
38. I don't need practice. I need a miracle. - Bruce Ashworth
39. The secret of a perfect golf swings remains a secret. - Bruce Lansky
40. Hacker: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score? Caddie: Yes, quit on seventeen. - Melvin Helitzer
41. My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she'd stop telling people I taught her how to play golf. - Bruce Lansky
42. My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. - Lee Trevino
43. In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron. - Lee Trevino
44. When I was a kid, my father taught me the best way to handle a strong wind. Stay in the clubhouse. - Bruce Lansky
45. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good. Unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.- Bruce Lansky
46. Golfer: I've never played this poorly before. Caddie: You've played before? - Fred Metcalf
47. First Golfer: I hit so many balls into the woods I lost all my balls. Second Golfer: That's nothing. I hit so many balls into the woods I lost my caddie. - Bruce Lansky
48. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. - Billy Graham
The golf pro is giving a lesson to one of his club members. "Now, first of all, just take a few swings without hitting the ball," says the pro. "Hell, I've already mastered that shot," says the member. "I'm paying you to teach me how to hit it."
Ben (Crenshaw) came to me when he was about eight years old. We cut off a seven iron for him. I showed him a good grip, and we went outside. There was a green about seventy-five yards away. I asked Ben to tee up a ball and hit it onto the green. He did. Then I said, "Now, let's go to the green and putt the ball into the hole." Little Ben asked, "If you wanted it in the hole, why didn't you tell me the first time?" - Harvey Penick
The best place to refine your swing is, of course, right out on the practice range . . . You will have an opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again so that you no longer have to think about them, and they become part of your game.
Marge: I had to call you. Walter has left me.Helen: Don't worry. He's left you before, but he always comes back.Marge: Not this time. He took his golf clubs.
First Golfer: I got some new golf clubs for my wife.Second Golfer: Gee, that's great! I wish I could make a trade like that!
Golfer (to members ahead): Pardon, but would you mind if I played through? I've just heard that my wife has been taken seriously ill.
Eric: My wife says if I don't give up golf she'll leave me.Ernie: That's terrible.Eric: I know, I'm really gonna miss her.
Honey, do you have anything to say before the golf season starts?
Wife: You think so much of your golf game you don't even remember when we were married. Husband: Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.
Player: Can I reach it with a five iron?Caddie: Eventually.
I play golf as much as I could in Canada, but summer up there is pretty short. It usually falls on Tuesday.
A priest was about to tee off over a lake on a par three hole. Because he was not confident that he could carry the water, he teed up an old ball, and just as he was about to hit, a voice from above said, "Put down a new ball," So he changed to a new ball and was about to hit when the voice said, "Take a practice swing." The priest took a practice swing and again stepped up to the ball, only to hear the voice say, "Put down the old ball."
Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well.
Manager: I'm sorry, sir we have not time open on the course today. Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.Manager: Of course we would, sir.Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.
Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, "I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds." Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly. "The difficult part was putting him down . . . and then picking him up again after each stroke."
And from the Life’s Like That department:
Three days of suffering through a nasty virus left me wiped out. But I found a silver lining the very first day I could crawl out of bed. Throwing on a pair of pants, I called out to my husband, "Look! These jeans fit--they finally fit!" "Great," he said. "But they're mine."
My current wife and my ex-wife barely talk. But they were thrown together when my mother-in-law had all the grandkids at her home for a cookout. Luckily, I wasn't there, which irked my ex. "Where's Paul?" she asked. "He's home, mowing the lawn," said my wife. My ex smiled. "I wish I'd married someone like that."
Leaving a funeral, my 13-year-old son dropped a heavy question on me: "What will happen to us if you and Dad die?" My young daughter knew: "We'd go in the limo."
After not firing a gun for years, I visited a nearby pistol range. I was awful--couldn't hit a thing. Turning to my friend, who was watching, I said, "I know it may be hard to believe, but I was on my school's shooting team." He asked, "What were you--the target?"
"Do you want to insure this?" asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
"Nope," I answered. "The contents aren't breakable." The clerk wasn't so sure. "Ma'am, we are professionals. We can break anything."
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harold, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town'sonly bar one after noon. She emphatically told Harold (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Harold, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Harold quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
Mary got married to Ted and had thirteen children and then unfortunately Ted died of cancer. Mary married again and she and Bob had seven more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. Twelve years later Mary again remarried and this time she and John had five more children. Mary finally died, after having produced twenty-five children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied, "Ethel, I think he means her legs."
Your farmer’s market or local grocery stores are starting to sell their summer bounty. How to tell when fruit is ripe?
- Use your nose. Fruit such as melons, peaches, plums, and nectarines should offer a mild perfume but not an overpowering scent.
- A pineapple leaf should yield to a gentle tug.
- When you shake a honeydew melon, listen for a watery sound and loose seeds.
- When you thump a watermelon, it should go “plunk,” not “plink.”
- Berries should appear plump, not wrinkled. Fruit-stained baskets may indicate overripe fruit.
- Ripe mangoes and papayas should feel heavy for their size and have smooth skin. Both will continue to ripen, softening slightly so that they yield to the touch.
"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Obama met with Russian President Dimitry Medvedev. This morning, he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Then, this afternoon, he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting, Obama would twist the Russian leader at their waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out." --Conan O'Brien
"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. Obama was waving to her." --David Letterman
"But she's going to take the summer off, and then will come back next fall in the 10 o'clock slot." --David Letterman
"But friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman
"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house." --David Letterman"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman, referring to his feud with Palin
"Everybody have a nice, happy Fourth of July? We took Mom to see the fireworks. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. Every time, a big one goes off, my mom screams, 'It's North Korea! It's North Korea! Run!'" --David Letterman
"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman
"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman
"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson
"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson
"I have said Sarah Palin's political ambition combined with her intellect is like putting a jet engine on a golf cart; lots of horse power and no steering capabilities. Today she proved it." --Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore, whom Sarah Palin is threatening to sue.
Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine:
10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"
Top 10 Real Reasons Sarah Palin Is Resigning As Governor:
10. She's pregnant again and is having John Edwards' baby.
9. She's "hiking the Appalachian Trail" with Mark Sanford.
8. She wants to spend more time teaching abstinence to her family.
7. She's joining the cast of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"
6. She cracked under the strain of watching Russia from her house.
5. She wants to devote herself full-time to making comedians apologize for the new wave of jokes they're about to unleash on her.
4. Her daughter Bristol is actually having Alex Rodriguez's baby.
3. She's taking up Playboy's offer to pose nude as part of their upcoming "Governors Gone Wild" issue.
2. She came to the end of the Bridge to Nowhere that is her political career.
1. She didn't resign at all. It was an elaborate hoax pulled off by Tina Fey.
"On a more serious front, I sincerely hope that when the president goes in for his annual check-up, the doctors at Bethesda will do a brain scan. Surely something must be terribly wrong with a man who seems to be far more concerned with a Jew building a house in Israel than with Muslims building a nuclear bomb in Iran." - columnist Burt Prelutsky
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit usboth. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
After Costco, the wife and I went to Home Depot and as I was pushing my cart around I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'. The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' I said. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours. Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica and where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?" His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Maria, the maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. The lady was taken aback with the request and asked her maid why she thought an increase was justified. The following conversation ensued...
Maria: 'Well Madam, I have three reasons for wanting an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Lady: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Lady: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Lady: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Lady: "Oh, did he!!!
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Lady: (really angry now) "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
Lady: "How much extra pay were you thinking of?”
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s death... ".. .. ... .. ... ... .. .. .. . .. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... .. .. .. ... ... ... .... .. .. . .. . .. . . ... .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... .. .. .. .... .... .... .. .. . .. .. . .. .. . .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... .. .. ... ... ... ... .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. ... .. .. .... .. ... ... .. .. ... .. .. .. .. .. . "Deep stuff, eh? I nearly cried when he said, ‘. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... .....’”
And since the good golf weather is here:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. - Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. - John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. - Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. - Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. - Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. - Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. - Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. - Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. - Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! - Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. - Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. - Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. - Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. - Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. - Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. - All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. - Lee Trevino
24. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer
25. You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two in your pocket. - Lee Trevino
26. Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's not fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. - Arnold Daly
27. One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. - Don Carter; professional bowler
28. We learn so many things from golf . . . how to suffer, for instance. - Bruce Lansky
29. While playing golf today I hit two good balls, I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman
30. I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford
31. I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine. - Bruce Lansky
32. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron
33. God must have loved the double bogey golfer, because he made so many of them.
34. The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray. - Bruce Lansky
35. I've thought about buying those new, long-distance balls, but I wonder -- what's the point of hitting golf balls even further out of bounds? - Bruce Lansky
36. The more I practice, the luckier I get. - Gary Player
37. My golf pro said, "Practice makes perfect," He lied. - Bruce Lansky
38. I don't need practice. I need a miracle. - Bruce Ashworth
39. The secret of a perfect golf swings remains a secret. - Bruce Lansky
40. Hacker: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score? Caddie: Yes, quit on seventeen. - Melvin Helitzer
41. My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she'd stop telling people I taught her how to play golf. - Bruce Lansky
42. My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. - Lee Trevino
43. In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron. - Lee Trevino
44. When I was a kid, my father taught me the best way to handle a strong wind. Stay in the clubhouse. - Bruce Lansky
45. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good. Unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.- Bruce Lansky
46. Golfer: I've never played this poorly before. Caddie: You've played before? - Fred Metcalf
47. First Golfer: I hit so many balls into the woods I lost all my balls. Second Golfer: That's nothing. I hit so many balls into the woods I lost my caddie. - Bruce Lansky
48. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. - Billy Graham
The golf pro is giving a lesson to one of his club members. "Now, first of all, just take a few swings without hitting the ball," says the pro. "Hell, I've already mastered that shot," says the member. "I'm paying you to teach me how to hit it."
Ben (Crenshaw) came to me when he was about eight years old. We cut off a seven iron for him. I showed him a good grip, and we went outside. There was a green about seventy-five yards away. I asked Ben to tee up a ball and hit it onto the green. He did. Then I said, "Now, let's go to the green and putt the ball into the hole." Little Ben asked, "If you wanted it in the hole, why didn't you tell me the first time?" - Harvey Penick
The best place to refine your swing is, of course, right out on the practice range . . . You will have an opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again so that you no longer have to think about them, and they become part of your game.
Marge: I had to call you. Walter has left me.Helen: Don't worry. He's left you before, but he always comes back.Marge: Not this time. He took his golf clubs.
First Golfer: I got some new golf clubs for my wife.Second Golfer: Gee, that's great! I wish I could make a trade like that!
Golfer (to members ahead): Pardon, but would you mind if I played through? I've just heard that my wife has been taken seriously ill.
Eric: My wife says if I don't give up golf she'll leave me.Ernie: That's terrible.Eric: I know, I'm really gonna miss her.
Honey, do you have anything to say before the golf season starts?
Wife: You think so much of your golf game you don't even remember when we were married. Husband: Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.
Player: Can I reach it with a five iron?Caddie: Eventually.
I play golf as much as I could in Canada, but summer up there is pretty short. It usually falls on Tuesday.
A priest was about to tee off over a lake on a par three hole. Because he was not confident that he could carry the water, he teed up an old ball, and just as he was about to hit, a voice from above said, "Put down a new ball," So he changed to a new ball and was about to hit when the voice said, "Take a practice swing." The priest took a practice swing and again stepped up to the ball, only to hear the voice say, "Put down the old ball."
Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well.
Manager: I'm sorry, sir we have not time open on the course today. Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.Manager: Of course we would, sir.Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.
Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, "I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds." Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly. "The difficult part was putting him down . . . and then picking him up again after each stroke."
And from the Life’s Like That department:
Three days of suffering through a nasty virus left me wiped out. But I found a silver lining the very first day I could crawl out of bed. Throwing on a pair of pants, I called out to my husband, "Look! These jeans fit--they finally fit!" "Great," he said. "But they're mine."
My current wife and my ex-wife barely talk. But they were thrown together when my mother-in-law had all the grandkids at her home for a cookout. Luckily, I wasn't there, which irked my ex. "Where's Paul?" she asked. "He's home, mowing the lawn," said my wife. My ex smiled. "I wish I'd married someone like that."
Leaving a funeral, my 13-year-old son dropped a heavy question on me: "What will happen to us if you and Dad die?" My young daughter knew: "We'd go in the limo."
After not firing a gun for years, I visited a nearby pistol range. I was awful--couldn't hit a thing. Turning to my friend, who was watching, I said, "I know it may be hard to believe, but I was on my school's shooting team." He asked, "What were you--the target?"
"Do you want to insure this?" asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
"Nope," I answered. "The contents aren't breakable." The clerk wasn't so sure. "Ma'am, we are professionals. We can break anything."
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harold, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town'sonly bar one after noon. She emphatically told Harold (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Harold, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Harold quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
Mary got married to Ted and had thirteen children and then unfortunately Ted died of cancer. Mary married again and she and Bob had seven more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. Twelve years later Mary again remarried and this time she and John had five more children. Mary finally died, after having produced twenty-five children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied, "Ethel, I think he means her legs."
Friday Funnies July 3 09
At 5 minutes, 6 seconds after 4am on July 8th this year. The time & date will be ....
04:05:06 07/08/09 This will never happen again.
From the Farmer’s Almanac:
There are many superstitions about summer thunder. Some believe that it will frighten the beans into growing. Others say that thunder in the morning brings wind, while a noon thunder brings rain and an evening thunder brings a tempest. If there’s lightning without thunder, fair weather is on the way. As for wind direction, “Thunder and lightning in the summer show, / The point from which the freshening breeze will blow.”
The dog days of summer (a period of 40 days starting July 3 and ending August 11) are named for the Dog Star, Sirius, which is visible with the rising Sun at this time. Ancients associated this sky picture with the hot days that coincided with it.
Dog days bright and clear,indicate a happy year. But when accompanied by rain,for better times our hopes are in vain.
"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman
"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading." --David Letterman
"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman
"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman
"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that Governor Sanford's mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That's true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media." --Conan O'Brien
"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart
"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson
"What's especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery -- whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol -- a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The 'Transformers' sequel came out today. One of the 'Transformers' is a Chevrolet. Fortunately, it has a sidekick that transforms into a tow truck." --Conan O'Brien
"On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." --Jimmy FallonDavid Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford:10. Began last "State of the State" address, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated.7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President.6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout.5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov."4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx.3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents.2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again.1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling
At 5:15 am, Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Farrah Fawcett passed away after a long battle with cancer. Shortly after she arrived at the Pearly Gates and met with Saint Peter, he said, "Farrah, you truly are an Angel and before you pass through these gates, I offer you one wish." Farrah said, "Saint Peter, I want safety and security for all the children of the world." Six hours later, Michael Jackson was dead.
I know it's sad news that MJ passed away, but…..
Apparently as they tried to revive him a nurse was overheard singing, “Come and beat it...just beat it!”
A doctor on the hospital staff as he applied the paddles was heard saying..."Gonna be starting something...gotta be starting something"
Initial reports were confused, claiming that Michael was not in the cardiac ward for a heart attack but rather in the children's ward for a stroke.
The autopsy showed that food poisoning might have caused Michael's heart attack: he ate some twelve year old meat. Alternates: twelve year old nuts, weiner.
His last words were, "Take me to a Children's Hospital".
Sources claim that Michael will not be buried or cremated, but recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with.
Other sources claim that, since Michael was 90% plastic, his body is going to be melted down into Lego blocks so that little boys can play with him for a change.
Family members refuted both claims saying that he will be cremated and put in a sandbox so that even after death, he'll end up in little boys' shorts.
Newsflash! Gary Glitter makes record bid for Michael Jackson’s computer.
Jacko’s not dead. Apparently he just went to a children’s hospital and had a stroke.
Los Angeles police have now been round to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch this afternoon. It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom and Class 4C in his bedroom.
Given that Michael Jackson was recently reported to be suffering from skin cancer, the coroner is not sure yet if the real cause of death should be blamed on the sunshine.....or the moonlight, the good times or the boogie, but at this time he suspects it was the boogie.
Michael Jackson died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.
Michael Jackson's dates have all been cancelled...... James 10, Steve 7.......
Ambulance officers who attended MJ have confirmed he had two 10-year old boys in his bedroom and he was having a stroke.
Hospital staffs don’t know what to do with Michael Jackson's body as plastic recycle day is not until next Tuesday.
Michael Jacksons sell out tour is said to be a masterpiece. A true Heart stopper!
McDonalds are honouring Michael Jackson. They are making the MJ burger – it’s a 50 year old piece of meat inside 8 year old buns.
Jockeys at Ascot are going to wear black armbands in respect of MJ, who successfully rode more three year olds than anyone else in history.
Oh and last but not least...tomorrow is the last day of the sale at Wal-Mart...where both Wal-Mart and MJ have boys underwear half off!
Golf’s Worst Foursome: Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton
Why, you ask? Monica’s a hooker, O.J.’s a slicer, Ted can’t drive over water and Bill can’t remember which hole he played!
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.'
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barrack Obama is a dumb, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal faggot who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Many years ago, the preacher always rode a bicycle to church. One Sunday Morning, he awoke to find that his bicycle was not there. He walked to the church, fuming all the way about how he knew someone in his church had taken his bicycle and he was going to lay down the law (or the Ten Commandments), laying a guilt trip on the guy who took his bicycle. He started out with the First Commandment and really bore down on "Thou Shalt Not Steal" but by the time he got to the Commandment on "Adultery" he remembered where he left his bicycle.
New Viruses:
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin for error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money...
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'No.' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought... Fuck! I could win this!
A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. ''What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.' 'You are wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!'
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap.......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off
Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is..........Women Ask too Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Salon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!
On marriage and women:
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison'
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous
The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad:
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hot Wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses ... GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. Serving as a Juror is now the most highly-paid job.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your food; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.And the number one indicator that the economy is bad…
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
04:05:06 07/08/09 This will never happen again.
From the Farmer’s Almanac:
There are many superstitions about summer thunder. Some believe that it will frighten the beans into growing. Others say that thunder in the morning brings wind, while a noon thunder brings rain and an evening thunder brings a tempest. If there’s lightning without thunder, fair weather is on the way. As for wind direction, “Thunder and lightning in the summer show, / The point from which the freshening breeze will blow.”
The dog days of summer (a period of 40 days starting July 3 and ending August 11) are named for the Dog Star, Sirius, which is visible with the rising Sun at this time. Ancients associated this sky picture with the hot days that coincided with it.
Dog days bright and clear,indicate a happy year. But when accompanied by rain,for better times our hopes are in vain.
"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman
"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading." --David Letterman
"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman
"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman
"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that Governor Sanford's mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That's true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media." --Conan O'Brien
"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart
"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson
"What's especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery -- whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol -- a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The 'Transformers' sequel came out today. One of the 'Transformers' is a Chevrolet. Fortunately, it has a sidekick that transforms into a tow truck." --Conan O'Brien
"On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." --Jimmy FallonDavid Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford:10. Began last "State of the State" address, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated.7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President.6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout.5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov."4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx.3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents.2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again.1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling
At 5:15 am, Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Farrah Fawcett passed away after a long battle with cancer. Shortly after she arrived at the Pearly Gates and met with Saint Peter, he said, "Farrah, you truly are an Angel and before you pass through these gates, I offer you one wish." Farrah said, "Saint Peter, I want safety and security for all the children of the world." Six hours later, Michael Jackson was dead.
I know it's sad news that MJ passed away, but…..
Apparently as they tried to revive him a nurse was overheard singing, “Come and beat it...just beat it!”
A doctor on the hospital staff as he applied the paddles was heard saying..."Gonna be starting something...gotta be starting something"
Initial reports were confused, claiming that Michael was not in the cardiac ward for a heart attack but rather in the children's ward for a stroke.
The autopsy showed that food poisoning might have caused Michael's heart attack: he ate some twelve year old meat. Alternates: twelve year old nuts, weiner.
His last words were, "Take me to a Children's Hospital".
Sources claim that Michael will not be buried or cremated, but recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with.
Other sources claim that, since Michael was 90% plastic, his body is going to be melted down into Lego blocks so that little boys can play with him for a change.
Family members refuted both claims saying that he will be cremated and put in a sandbox so that even after death, he'll end up in little boys' shorts.
Newsflash! Gary Glitter makes record bid for Michael Jackson’s computer.
Jacko’s not dead. Apparently he just went to a children’s hospital and had a stroke.
Los Angeles police have now been round to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch this afternoon. It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom and Class 4C in his bedroom.
Given that Michael Jackson was recently reported to be suffering from skin cancer, the coroner is not sure yet if the real cause of death should be blamed on the sunshine.....or the moonlight, the good times or the boogie, but at this time he suspects it was the boogie.
Michael Jackson died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.
Michael Jackson's dates have all been cancelled...... James 10, Steve 7.......
Ambulance officers who attended MJ have confirmed he had two 10-year old boys in his bedroom and he was having a stroke.
Hospital staffs don’t know what to do with Michael Jackson's body as plastic recycle day is not until next Tuesday.
Michael Jacksons sell out tour is said to be a masterpiece. A true Heart stopper!
McDonalds are honouring Michael Jackson. They are making the MJ burger – it’s a 50 year old piece of meat inside 8 year old buns.
Jockeys at Ascot are going to wear black armbands in respect of MJ, who successfully rode more three year olds than anyone else in history.
Oh and last but not least...tomorrow is the last day of the sale at Wal-Mart...where both Wal-Mart and MJ have boys underwear half off!
Golf’s Worst Foursome: Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton
Why, you ask? Monica’s a hooker, O.J.’s a slicer, Ted can’t drive over water and Bill can’t remember which hole he played!
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.'
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barrack Obama is a dumb, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal faggot who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Many years ago, the preacher always rode a bicycle to church. One Sunday Morning, he awoke to find that his bicycle was not there. He walked to the church, fuming all the way about how he knew someone in his church had taken his bicycle and he was going to lay down the law (or the Ten Commandments), laying a guilt trip on the guy who took his bicycle. He started out with the First Commandment and really bore down on "Thou Shalt Not Steal" but by the time he got to the Commandment on "Adultery" he remembered where he left his bicycle.
New Viruses:
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin for error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money...
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'No.' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought... Fuck! I could win this!
A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. ''What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.' 'You are wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!'
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap.......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off
Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is..........Women Ask too Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Salon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!
On marriage and women:
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison'
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous
The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad:
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hot Wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses ... GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. Serving as a Juror is now the most highly-paid job.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your food; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.And the number one indicator that the economy is bad…
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
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