"Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven't paid them yet." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at JFK Airport in New York City today. An AIG executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd." --Jay Leno
"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno
"The country of China is going to be doing a Broadway style play based on Karl Marx's book on communism. A play based on communism. You know, that's where capitalism has been replaced by the government taking over control of all private industries. Or as we call in this country, 'a stimulus package.'"--Jay Leno
"Hey, congratulations to Japan for winning the World Baseball Classic right here in Dodger Stadium. Yeah, they beat Korea 5-3, which is perfect. You have the Japanese playing the Koreans in a city full of Mexicans to determine who's best at America's pastime. I think Lou Dobbs' head is going to explode when he hears this." --Jay Leno
"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon
"Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children's toys, and should solve the problem entirely." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Michelle Obama -- and I think this is a lovely idea -- she's going to put a garden in the White House, out there where the Rose Garden is. A very nice idea. And she's out there digging it up. She found three of Dick Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman
"Finally, a good day on Wall Street. Stock market went up 500 points today. Very exciting. Went up so high, even CNBC's Jim Cramer made money. Wow!" --Jay Leno
"The Obama Administration today unveiled their plan to deal with the so-called toxic assets. Those are those mortgage-backed securities all the financial institutions are holding. Apparently, the plan is to flood the banks with money, make them as liquid as possible, and then sort of soak up all these bad loans and take them away. See, they got this idea from watching those 'ShamWow' commercials." --Jay Leno
"It turns out the bonus money that AIG got was actually $218 million and not the $165 million that was originally reported. AIG said they misplaced $53 million in bonuses. And today, Senator Chris Dodd said, 'You mean that wasn't a campaign contribution?'" --Jay Leno
"Congress is now investigating the special treatment that 'Senator Dodge,' as we're calling him now, received from Countrywide Mortgage for a couple of mortgages. Senator Dodd has contended he didn't know he was getting special rates on the mortgages. And, really, to be fair, how would the Senate chairman of the banking committee have any idea what the normal lending rate would be? He would have no idea!" --Jay Leno
"This week eight tourists became the first Westerners to vacation in Iraq on an officially sanctioned tour. They're taking spring break in Iraq, which is kind of like spring break in Florida. Half get bombed. The other half get stoned." --Jay Leno
"In a move that will cost 300 Americans their jobs, the Federal government announced it will no longer buy American-made condoms made in Alabama. We're now going to buy cheaper condoms made in China. Does that make any sense? If Chinese condoms are so good, why are there over one billion Chinese people?" --Jay Leno
"We had quite a night last night. We had the president, Barack Obama, on the show. I tell you, the security was unbelievable last night. We had several of those German Shepherds, you know those bomb-sniffing dogs? And I tell you, once they got near the NBC prime-time lineup, they went crazy. Just went nuts." --Jay Leno
"Senator Chris Dodd -- or 'Chris Dodge,' as they're calling him now -- after first denying it, now admits he's the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses. And coincidentally, he just happened to receive $280,000 from AIG in campaign contributions. What are the odds of that? Man, that's like putting Chris Brown in charge of the battered women's shelter." --Jay Leno
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it's also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher
"We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It's like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet." --Bill Maher
"We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to N.B.C. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives." --Jay Leno
"Did you see President Obama standing next to Governor Schwarzenegger? Didn't the President look like the head of a company who's introducing its latest cyborg model to the world?" --Jay Leno
"'The Washington Post' reporting that senior executives at AIG whose decisions caused the companies to collapse are long gone and that these bonuses that everybody's complaining about are actually being paid to people who are trying to fix the problem. Okay, here's my thing. Fix the problem, then you get the bonus." --Jay Leno
"AIG says they're trying to raise more money by selling their big office building in New York. It's 66 stories! And not one of them is the truth." --Jay Leno
"AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers' money, paid $165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified because the company made an extra $170 billion last year." --Jay Leno
"Well, yesterday, New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo reported that 73 AIG executives were mailed bonus checks of a million dollars or more and 11 of those people don't even work for the company anymore. Imagine that, executives getting bonus checks for a company that lost billions. AIG? Sounds more like NBC, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno
"And the government said they would like to prevent AIG from using taxpayer money to pay themselves these huge bonuses, but there's very little they can do legally. Well, duh, take a page from the Bush/Cheney book and do it illegally. Hey, we all watch '24.' You know how it works. Have Jack Bauer shoot them in the knee. Come on!" --Jay Leno
"Well, the exciting news, President Barack Obama will be on our show tomorrow night. Of course, NBC jumping on every opportunity. They say if the President does well, it could lead to his own series, '30 Barack.'" --Jay Leno
"Kim Jong-il has demanded that North Korea open its first pizzeria. It will have pizza just like the kind we have over here, but their Crazy Bread will actually be crazy."--Jimmy Fallon
"I want to go to Papa Jong's, the new North Korean pizzeria. It is going to be good. The delivery policy at the North Korean pizzeria is a little different. If the pizza is not there in 30 minutes or less, the driver gets executed."--Jimmy Fallon
On Dick Cheney's TV interviews: "You know, I don't understand this. The guy is vice president for eight years, you barely see a whiff of him. He lives in some subterranean lair, literally has his house removed from Google Earth. Then, when he's no longer accountable to the American people, he's popping up everywhere, can't get him off my TV. He's like the Mario Lopez of doom now." --Jon Stewart
"Speaking of which, he did not disappoint [on screen: Cheney saying that Obama's actions since he took office have made Americans less safe]. I trust you. So, sir, is that based on you reading the intelligence reports? [on screen: Cheney saying he doesn't read the intelligence reports anymore]. Oh, well then, maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut-the-fuck-up." --Jon Stewart
Contrasting the complicated and oft criticized bailout plans of the White House and US Congress, here’s an article purportedly from the Business Section of the St. Petersburg Times. Here’s one guy’s response to the query, "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
Dear Mr. President,
Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!
PS If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and your administration pay their taxes.
Maxine is the name of that witty, sometimes snarky character from Hallmark’s Shoebox cards who delights in giving out tongue lashings or kicks in the pants. On the subject of the American government’s bailout policies she has this to say:
"BAIL ‘EM OUT? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!" No comments necessary!
Last week the New Jersey Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling made a proposal to ban genital waxing in New Jersey's spas and salons, something they cited as a public safety issue, saying that two women injured by Brazilian waxes had come forward with complaints and one of them filed a lawsuit. The procedure is not banned in any other state at present. Salon owners felt that the ban would strip women of a popular, albeit painful, procedure and only contribute to unsafe conditions. Many women, the owners claimed, would try to wax themselves or visit unlicensed spas to maintain hair-free status (seemingly a bunch of Nair-do-not-so-wells). A fax campaign was started to inform the New Jersey Attorney General's Office that Brazilian waxes could be done safely with the proper training. Consumer Affairs Director David Szuchman, who oversees the board said, "Many commenters have noted that the procedure can be safely performed," Szuchman wrote. "I therefore believe that there are alternate means to address any public health issues identified by the board." Schuzman also encouraged the board "to begin an immediate review of the training necessary to safely provide this service, and to establish appropriate protocols and safeguards." Looks like The Garden State has dodged the bullet here and women can continue to keep their muffs coiffed. Ladies, put away those sarongs and cover-ups and break out the thongs! Halleluya! The world is once again saved from the spectre of possibly errant pubes!
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor looked at the beautiful wife, thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. She began to quiver with excitement and then to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard and, looking like he was enjoying himself, put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
Ahhh, the naivete (dare I say stupidity – Dare, dare you say?) and xenophobia of Brits abroad! Here are 20 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA:
- A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.
- A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
- “The beach was too sandy.”
- A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
- “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
- “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
- “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
- “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
- “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
- “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
- “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?”
- “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
- “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
- “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
- “I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.”
- “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
- “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ’siesta’ time - this should be banned.”
- “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
- “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
Anagrams
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
The Bible As Told By Children, In A Nutshell: (must have been very small children or a very big nut)
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets: (It may be missing from your version of Genesis)
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal ......And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, ‘I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other.
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Human
1. Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
Every dog has his day. A dog always offers unconditional love – cats have to think about it!
Tails of Manhattan by Woody Allen March 30, 2009
Two weeks ago, Abe Moscowitz dropped dead of a heart attack and was reincarnated as a lobster. Trapped off the coast of Maine, he was shipped to Manhattan and dumped into a tank at a posh Upper East Side seafood restaurant. In the tank there were several other lobsters, one of whom recognized him. “Abe, is that you?” the creature asked, his antennae perking up. “Who’s that? Who’s talking to me?” Moscowitz said, still dazed by the mystical slam-bang postmortem that had transmogrified him into a crustacean. “It’s me, Moe Silverman,” the other lobster said. “O.M.G.!” Moscowitz piped, recognizing the voice of an old gin-rummy colleague. “What’s going on?” “We’re reborn,” Moe explained. “As a couple of two-pounders.” “Lobsters? This is how I wind up after leading a just life? In a tank on Third Avenue?” “The Lord works in strange ways,” Moe Silverman explained. “Take Phil Pinchuck. The man keeled over with an aneurysm, he’s now a hamster. All day, running at the stupid wheel. For years he was a Yale professor. My point is he’s gotten to like the wheel. He pedals and pedals, running nowhere, but he smiles.”
Moscowitz did not like his new condition at all. Why should a decent citizen like himself, a dentist, a mensch who deserved to relive life as a soaring eagle or ensconced in the lap of some sexy socialite getting his fur stroked, come back ignominiously as an entrée on a menu? It was his cruel fate to be delicious, to turn up as Today’s Special, along with a baked potato and dessert. This led to a discussion by the two lobsters of the mysteries of existence, of religion, and how capricious the universe was, when someone like Sol Drazin, a schlemiel they knew from the catering business, came back after a fatal stroke as a stud horse impregnating cute little thoroughbred fillies for high fees. Feeling sorry for himself and angry, Moscowitz swam about, unable to buy into Silverman’s Buddha-like resignation over the prospect of being served thermidor.
At that moment, who walked into the restaurant and sits down at a nearby table but Bernie Madoff. If Moscowitz had been bitter and agitated before, now he gasped as his tail started churning the water like an Evinrude. “I don’t believe this,” he said, pressing his little black peepers to the glass walls. “That goniff who should be doing time, chopping rocks, making license plates, somehow slipped out of his apartment confinement and he’s treating himself to a shore dinner.” “Clock the ice on his immortal beloved,” Moe observed, scanning Mrs. M.’s rings and bracelets. Moscowitz fought back his acid reflux, a condition that had followed him from his former life. “He’s the reason I’m here,” he said, riled to a fever pitch. “Tell me about it,” Moe Silverman said. “I played golf with the man in Florida , which incidentally he’ll move the ball with his foot if you’re not watching.” “Each month I got a statement from him,” Moscowitz ranted. “I knew such numbers looked too good to be kosher, and when I joked to him how it sounded like a Ponzi scheme he choked on his kugel. I had to do the Heimlich maneuver. Finally, after all that high living, it comes out he was a fraud and my net worth was bupkes. P.S., I had a myocardial infarction that registered at the oceanography lab in Tokyo .”
“With me he played it coy,” Silverman said, instinctively frisking his carapace for a Xanax. “He told me at first he had no room for another investor. The more he put me off, the more I wanted in. I had him to dinner, and because he liked Rosalee’s blintzes he promised me the next opening would be mine. The day I found out he could handle my account I was so thrilled I cut my wife’s head out of our wedding photo and put his in. When I learned I was broke, I committed suicide by jumping off the roof of our golf club in Palm Beach. I had to wait half an hour to jump, I was twelfth in line.”
At this moment, the captain escorted Madoff to the lobster tank, where the unctuous sharpie analyzed the assorted saltwater candidates for potential succulence and pointed to Moscowitz and Silverman. An obliging smile played on the captain’s face as he summoned a waiter to extract the pair from the tank. “This is the last straw!” Moscowitz cried, bracing himself for the consummate outrage. “To swindle me out of my life’s savings and then to nosh me in butter sauce! What kind of universe is this?”
Moscowitz and Silverman, their ire reaching cosmic dimensions, rocked the tank to and fro until it toppled off its table, smashing its glass walls and flooding the hexagonal-tile floor. Heads turned as the alarmed captain looked on in stunned disbelief. Bent on vengeance, the two lobsters scuttled swiftly after Madoff. They reached his table in an instant, and Silverman went for his ankle. Moscowitz, summoning the strength of a madman, leaped from the floor and with one giant pincer took firm hold of Madoff’s nose. Screaming with pain, the gray-haired con artist hopped from the chair as Silverman strangled his instep with both claws. Patrons could not believe their eyes as they recognized Madoff, and began to cheer the lobsters.
“This is for the widows and charities!” yelled Moscowitz. “Thanks to you, Hatikvah Hospital is now a skating rink!” Madoff, unable to free himself from the two Atlantic denizens, bolted from the restaurant and fled yelping into traffic. When Moscowitz tightened his viselike grip on his septum and Silverman tore through his shoe, they persuaded the oily scammer to plead guilty and apologize for his monumental hustle.
By the end of the day, Madoff was in Lenox Hill Hospital , awash in welts and abrasions. The two renegade main courses, their rage slaked, had just enough strength left to flop away into the cold, deep waters of Sheepshead Bay, where, if I’m not mistaken, Moscowitz lives to this day with Yetta Belkin, whom he recognized from shopping at Fairway. In life she had always resembled a flounder, and after her fatal plane crash she came back as one.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday Funnies March 20 09
Happy Spring!
In our neck of the woods, Spring begins with the vernal equinox today at exactly 7:44 A.M. EDT.
The Farmer’s Almanac tells us that the word equinox is derived from the Latin for “equal night” and is used now because the days and nights are of nearly equal length. The vernal, or spring, equinox is the point at which the Sun appears to cross the celestial equator from south to north, signalling the beginning of nature's renewal in the Northern Hemisphere.
Halleluyah! I don’t think I’m alone in needing some renewal!
After the equinox, the Sun will appear higher and higher in the sky, and the days will grow longer. The tilt of Earth’s axis as it travels around the Sun causes the change of seasons.
If the following verses from the Almanac are to be believed, we should be checking the wind at noon today.
Wind northeast or north at noon of the vernal equinox, no fine weather before midsummer.
If westerly or southwesterly, fine weather till midsummer.
I’m cheering for the West or Southwest Wind!
And now to check in with the Late Night crowd:
"A very happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick's Day is a little different this year. Nobody's got any green left." --Jay Leno
"Hey, a little quiz for you. What is the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money." --Jay Leno
This morning, the President was gifted with a bowl of shamrocks from the Irish prime minister. It is a tradition, I guess. They do it every year, but what they don't do every year -- and I thought this was a clever idea -- is transplant those shamrocks into the Vice Presidents forehead." --Jimmy Kimmel
"They had a big St. Patty's Day party at the White House tonight with corned beef and cabbage, green beer — the whole thing. It's an important part of Obama's everybody get drunk and forget about the economy policy." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Everyone had a nice time, but I guess things got ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You all ready for March madness? But enough about A.I.G.'s big bonuses." --Jay Leno
"Well, you've probably heard of this. The insurance company A.I.G. has done it again. They announced they're giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. So they bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they're giving out bonuses. You know the main thing they want to reward their people for? Convincing the Treasury Department to give out $170 billion to a failing company so they can give out bonuses for a job well done. It's very well thought out." --Jay Leno
"In fact, you know what A.I.G. stands for? Anybody know? Adventures In Greed." --Jay Leno
"Here's the best part. They don't have to account for any of this. Now it turns out they gave $35 billion -- not million -- $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow?" --Jay Leno
"Boy, you thought St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Let's send him down to Wall Street. That's what we should do." --Jay Leno
On Obama announcing he is lifting the ban on stem cell research: "You get a discarded embryo! You get a discarded embryo! Everybody gets a discarded embryo! It is really that easy to be Oprah?" --Jon Stewart
"There are legitimate moral and ethical concerns over the use of embryonic stem cells. Fetus farms, and then you know, there's going to be fetus farm subsidies. But they're never going to the little family fetus farms, it's going to be the agri-fetus farms. All the hippy elitists will be like, I want free range fetuses." --Jon Stewart
"According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno
"Hey, some sad news. Bristol Palin, you know, the daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, and her fiance, Levi Johnston, have broken up. Well, who could have seen that coming? Ironically, you know what happened? She could see him with another girl from her front porch." -- Jay Leno
"So, Bristol is now a single mother, or, as the press calls her, the Uno-Mom." -- Jay Leno
"The president of Kazakhstan has proposed that we take the idea of the Euro one step further. He wants to have a single currency for the whole world. Every economy would be based on the same monetary unit. We're doing that already. It's called oil." -- Jay Leno
"Happy Friday the 13th. Are you worried it's Friday the 13th? Hey, for the last six months, every day has been Friday the 13th. Hey, but good news, the stock market was up for the fourth day in a row. See, I don't know what makes me happier, seeing the stock market going up, or Bernard Madoff going down." -- Jay Leno
"Today is Friday the 13th. You know who is superstitious about Friday the 13th? Republicans. They say the country is having bad luck because we let a black cat in the White House." -- Bill Maher
"Despite soaring unemployment, and record foreclosures, Wall Street rallied this week when the chairman of ShittyBank said the bank does not need additional government support. Wow! The largest bank in the world can scrape enough money together to pay its bills for the month." -- Bill Maher
"Why do I feel like the quiet scene in the horror movie? You know, just after you found out the noise you heard was the wind, and then you turn around and get the knife in the face." --Bill Maher
"President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!" -- Jay Leno
"Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter. It's now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don't believe in evolution." -- Jay Leno
"Give you an idea of how bad the economy is. Rush Limbaugh down to just three meals a day. That's how bad it is." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno
"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'" -- Jay Leno
"He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno
"Here's a sign that the times are a-changin'. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants. 'Yeah, you can't have dee boobs here. No more boobs here if dare not real.'" -- Jay Leno
"President Obama today said he believes that American children should go to school longer, either staying later in the day every day, or longer in the summer, if we want to stay competitive with other countries. The president said we can't stick with the school calendar that was created during a time when most Americans were farmers, and he is right. We need a new school calendar for a time when most Americans are unemployed. So he's thinking about the future, which is good." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Ways the GOP Can Become More Hip:
10. Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.
9. Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.
8. Appoint Michael Phelps chairman in charge of chillaxing.
7. They should totally start a band.
6. Change Rush Limbaugh's name to Spongerush Fatpants.
5. Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.
4. Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.
3. Bring back this guy. [on screen: video of George Bush dancing]
2. How 'bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.
1. Fewer reactionary old white guys.
And now for a little conservative sarcasm:
The little red hen called all of her neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
And now, a couple of leftovers from St. Patrick’s Day:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.’ He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT’S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddyʼ. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way thenʼ. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite,’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi' Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
And maybe just one more from the Emerald Isle:
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a Week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is This Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well, 'sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough, The priest turned To the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had an ash tree that was so hard no woodpecker could peck it. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck an ash tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. And just as a footnote – each woodpecker confided that it was the best piece of ash they had ever put their peckers in!
Do you know the most versatile word in English? Well, it's shit ... that's right, SHIT! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and clay.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a stick.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, some foods can taste like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........well, Shit Happens!
Daffy Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. Dehydrated dirt.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
and my personal favourite:
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Last week I was visiting a retirement community and out of curiosity I asked one of the residents, a good looking man with a spring in his step, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' He replied "Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and gin into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!"
I start every day with some snap crackle and pop… and then after I manage to get out of bed, I go downstairs for some cereal.
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
A Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same store, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?' Moishe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. And so I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!'
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.
Now, enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral of the story: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is. I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
'Life isn't just about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
P.S.
On a serious note, the downward shift in the economy has affected us all and we probably all have friends, colleagues and family who have been seriously affected. It’s been a very long winter, one in which it’s been all too easy to suffer from lack of exercise and certainly melatonin from lack of daylight. Because of this we have all been especially prone to negative and sometimes even depressing thoughts. Unfortunately we sometimes let ourselves get caught up in the bad stuff, ignoring the good. We can’t always control what happens to us in life, but we can always control how we react to those events. We need to look at our lives in different ways, with different eyes. It’s spring time now. Time to turn over a new leaf. Time to start looking for longer days and silver linings. Time to get outside and take in some fresh air and sunshine with Vitamin D. Time to actively seek out all the positive things in our lives. Our springtime renewal should include taking stock not just of our finances but more importantly of all the wonderful people we have in our lives – our family and good friends. These are the resources that will sustain us through thick and thin. These are the values that far outweigh the effect on our lives of the vagaries of the stock market and banking system. Money is just a terrible way of keeping score in the game of life. We are much more than the sum of our belongings and our bank account. Time to downplay our momentary monetary situation and focus on the richness of blessings and joy we can derive from our family and friends! There is no Dow Jones or TSX when it comes to matters of love and friendship and spirituality. There is no limit to the rewards we can enjoy in this domain, no market crashes to fear no limit to withdrawals and only bonuses for early withdrawal. Spring is the opportunity for us to renew ourselves and especially this year, the way we look at life. Happy Spring and Happy Renewal!
In our neck of the woods, Spring begins with the vernal equinox today at exactly 7:44 A.M. EDT.
The Farmer’s Almanac tells us that the word equinox is derived from the Latin for “equal night” and is used now because the days and nights are of nearly equal length. The vernal, or spring, equinox is the point at which the Sun appears to cross the celestial equator from south to north, signalling the beginning of nature's renewal in the Northern Hemisphere.
Halleluyah! I don’t think I’m alone in needing some renewal!
After the equinox, the Sun will appear higher and higher in the sky, and the days will grow longer. The tilt of Earth’s axis as it travels around the Sun causes the change of seasons.
If the following verses from the Almanac are to be believed, we should be checking the wind at noon today.
Wind northeast or north at noon of the vernal equinox, no fine weather before midsummer.
If westerly or southwesterly, fine weather till midsummer.
I’m cheering for the West or Southwest Wind!
And now to check in with the Late Night crowd:
"A very happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick's Day is a little different this year. Nobody's got any green left." --Jay Leno
"Hey, a little quiz for you. What is the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money." --Jay Leno
This morning, the President was gifted with a bowl of shamrocks from the Irish prime minister. It is a tradition, I guess. They do it every year, but what they don't do every year -- and I thought this was a clever idea -- is transplant those shamrocks into the Vice Presidents forehead." --Jimmy Kimmel
"They had a big St. Patty's Day party at the White House tonight with corned beef and cabbage, green beer — the whole thing. It's an important part of Obama's everybody get drunk and forget about the economy policy." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Everyone had a nice time, but I guess things got ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You all ready for March madness? But enough about A.I.G.'s big bonuses." --Jay Leno
"Well, you've probably heard of this. The insurance company A.I.G. has done it again. They announced they're giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. So they bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they're giving out bonuses. You know the main thing they want to reward their people for? Convincing the Treasury Department to give out $170 billion to a failing company so they can give out bonuses for a job well done. It's very well thought out." --Jay Leno
"In fact, you know what A.I.G. stands for? Anybody know? Adventures In Greed." --Jay Leno
"Here's the best part. They don't have to account for any of this. Now it turns out they gave $35 billion -- not million -- $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow?" --Jay Leno
"Boy, you thought St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Let's send him down to Wall Street. That's what we should do." --Jay Leno
On Obama announcing he is lifting the ban on stem cell research: "You get a discarded embryo! You get a discarded embryo! Everybody gets a discarded embryo! It is really that easy to be Oprah?" --Jon Stewart
"There are legitimate moral and ethical concerns over the use of embryonic stem cells. Fetus farms, and then you know, there's going to be fetus farm subsidies. But they're never going to the little family fetus farms, it's going to be the agri-fetus farms. All the hippy elitists will be like, I want free range fetuses." --Jon Stewart
"According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno
"Hey, some sad news. Bristol Palin, you know, the daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, and her fiance, Levi Johnston, have broken up. Well, who could have seen that coming? Ironically, you know what happened? She could see him with another girl from her front porch." -- Jay Leno
"So, Bristol is now a single mother, or, as the press calls her, the Uno-Mom." -- Jay Leno
"The president of Kazakhstan has proposed that we take the idea of the Euro one step further. He wants to have a single currency for the whole world. Every economy would be based on the same monetary unit. We're doing that already. It's called oil." -- Jay Leno
"Happy Friday the 13th. Are you worried it's Friday the 13th? Hey, for the last six months, every day has been Friday the 13th. Hey, but good news, the stock market was up for the fourth day in a row. See, I don't know what makes me happier, seeing the stock market going up, or Bernard Madoff going down." -- Jay Leno
"Today is Friday the 13th. You know who is superstitious about Friday the 13th? Republicans. They say the country is having bad luck because we let a black cat in the White House." -- Bill Maher
"Despite soaring unemployment, and record foreclosures, Wall Street rallied this week when the chairman of ShittyBank said the bank does not need additional government support. Wow! The largest bank in the world can scrape enough money together to pay its bills for the month." -- Bill Maher
"Why do I feel like the quiet scene in the horror movie? You know, just after you found out the noise you heard was the wind, and then you turn around and get the knife in the face." --Bill Maher
"President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!" -- Jay Leno
"Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter. It's now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don't believe in evolution." -- Jay Leno
"Give you an idea of how bad the economy is. Rush Limbaugh down to just three meals a day. That's how bad it is." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno
"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'" -- Jay Leno
"He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno
"Here's a sign that the times are a-changin'. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants. 'Yeah, you can't have dee boobs here. No more boobs here if dare not real.'" -- Jay Leno
"President Obama today said he believes that American children should go to school longer, either staying later in the day every day, or longer in the summer, if we want to stay competitive with other countries. The president said we can't stick with the school calendar that was created during a time when most Americans were farmers, and he is right. We need a new school calendar for a time when most Americans are unemployed. So he's thinking about the future, which is good." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Ways the GOP Can Become More Hip:
10. Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.
9. Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.
8. Appoint Michael Phelps chairman in charge of chillaxing.
7. They should totally start a band.
6. Change Rush Limbaugh's name to Spongerush Fatpants.
5. Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.
4. Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.
3. Bring back this guy. [on screen: video of George Bush dancing]
2. How 'bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.
1. Fewer reactionary old white guys.
And now for a little conservative sarcasm:
The little red hen called all of her neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
And now, a couple of leftovers from St. Patrick’s Day:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.’ He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT’S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddyʼ. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way thenʼ. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite,’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi' Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
And maybe just one more from the Emerald Isle:
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a Week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is This Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well, 'sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough, The priest turned To the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had an ash tree that was so hard no woodpecker could peck it. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck an ash tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. And just as a footnote – each woodpecker confided that it was the best piece of ash they had ever put their peckers in!
Do you know the most versatile word in English? Well, it's shit ... that's right, SHIT! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and clay.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a stick.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, some foods can taste like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........well, Shit Happens!
Daffy Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. Dehydrated dirt.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
and my personal favourite:
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Last week I was visiting a retirement community and out of curiosity I asked one of the residents, a good looking man with a spring in his step, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' He replied "Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and gin into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!"
I start every day with some snap crackle and pop… and then after I manage to get out of bed, I go downstairs for some cereal.
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
A Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same store, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?' Moishe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. And so I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!'
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.
Now, enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral of the story: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is. I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
'Life isn't just about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
P.S.
On a serious note, the downward shift in the economy has affected us all and we probably all have friends, colleagues and family who have been seriously affected. It’s been a very long winter, one in which it’s been all too easy to suffer from lack of exercise and certainly melatonin from lack of daylight. Because of this we have all been especially prone to negative and sometimes even depressing thoughts. Unfortunately we sometimes let ourselves get caught up in the bad stuff, ignoring the good. We can’t always control what happens to us in life, but we can always control how we react to those events. We need to look at our lives in different ways, with different eyes. It’s spring time now. Time to turn over a new leaf. Time to start looking for longer days and silver linings. Time to get outside and take in some fresh air and sunshine with Vitamin D. Time to actively seek out all the positive things in our lives. Our springtime renewal should include taking stock not just of our finances but more importantly of all the wonderful people we have in our lives – our family and good friends. These are the resources that will sustain us through thick and thin. These are the values that far outweigh the effect on our lives of the vagaries of the stock market and banking system. Money is just a terrible way of keeping score in the game of life. We are much more than the sum of our belongings and our bank account. Time to downplay our momentary monetary situation and focus on the richness of blessings and joy we can derive from our family and friends! There is no Dow Jones or TSX when it comes to matters of love and friendship and spirituality. There is no limit to the rewards we can enjoy in this domain, no market crashes to fear no limit to withdrawals and only bonuses for early withdrawal. Spring is the opportunity for us to renew ourselves and especially this year, the way we look at life. Happy Spring and Happy Renewal!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday Funnies March 13 09
March proverbs and a poem from The Farmer’s Almanac:
So many mists in March we see,
So many frosts in May will be.
A peck of March dust is worth a king’s ransom.
The March sun lets snow stand on a stone.
Better to be bitten by a snake than to feel the sun in March.
In March much snow,
To plants and trees much woe.
A windy March and a rainy April make a beautiful May.
A dry March, a wet April.
A wet March, a sad autumn.
The stormy March is come at last,
With wind, and cloud, and changing skies;
I hear the rushing of the blast
That through the snowy valley flies.
–William Cullen Bryant (1794–1878)
And now for the late night quotes:
"I'd love to give you some good economic news, but here's what I got. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said that our current economic crisis is as bad as the attack on Pearl Harbor, but still not as bad as the movie 'Pearl Harbor.'" -- Jimmy Fallon
"The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range ballistic missile. But North Korea insists that it is just a satellite intended for peaceful purposes, like peacefully bombing South Korea." -- Jimmy Fallon
"Celebrity birthday today - Osama bin Laden turned 52 today, and apparently he's going through a mid-life crisis because he bought himself a bright red 1965 camel." -- David Letterman
"Well, in a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion. See this is capitalism!" -- Jay Leno
"In North Korea, they're grooming President Kim Jong-il's son to take over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea know, this doesn't always work out the best." -- Jay Leno
"And in real estate news, the octo-mom just bought a home here in Southern California for $565,000. How is she paying for this? She's got 14 kids, no job and no credit. Who financed this deal, A.I.G.?" -- Jay Leno
"And 66 percent of Americans think the government should pass laws to fight obesity. Oh, shut up! You know, how about just passing the buffet table, O.K? Try that before we get the government involved." -- Jay Leno
"And a sheriff in Illinois is suing Craigslist, claiming it's the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Apparently there are over 10,000 prostitutes on Craigslist, according to a list compiled by former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer." -- Jay Leno
"The New York Stock Exchange, by the way, if you are interested, is now a 99 cent store so get down there and do what you can." -- David Letterman
"Well, this is kind of exciting. There's talk president Barack Obama wants to lift trade restrictions with Cuba, which is great news for anybody here looking to buy a '58 Buick." -- Jay Leno
"Hey, did you see this on the news? I thought this was nice. Over the weekend in Washington, DC, First Lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic." -- Jay Leno
"And former President George W. Bush says he'll start a national speaking tour soon. You know, as soon as he learns how to speak." -- Jay Leno
"President Obama signed a bill today overturning President Bush's restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure disease and help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden." -- Jay Leno
"And astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They name the black holes 'AIG-1' and 'AIG-2.'" -- Jay Leno
"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers
"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers
"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers
"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher
"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman
"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, however. And he says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I'm thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don't know about a debate." -- David Letterman
"You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for $50 billion, and now his lovely wife Ruth was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that. She and her husband say it's not fraud money, it's money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires." -- David Letterman
"Oh, big day in Washington, DC, today. Pretty boy Brad Pitt was down there talking to Congress. Brad Pitt, of course, married to the original octomom." -- David Letterman
"Here's a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower." -- David Letterman
"So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, 'Wow! There really hasn't been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.'" -- David Letterman
"Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I'm driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning." -- David Letterman
"Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped." -- David Letterman
"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson
"One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't one of them." -- Craig Ferguson
"I love this story. The President's latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?" -- Jay Leno
"And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government's "Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'" -- Jay Leno
"Here's some uplifting news from Iraq. For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil." --Jimmy Fallon
"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife." --Jimmy Fallon
"Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1 place on the web for things that have already been invented." --Jimmy Fallon
"Our new Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is working very hard traveling all over the world. She's been to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, Israel, or as Bill calls it, 'spring break! Yeah!'" --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to several US presidents. When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' Now I am fired!"
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, Medicare, etc. and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Quotes from Curmudgeons:
- An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas
- Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. – H.L. Mencken
- During the performance of a very bad play, I leaned over and politely asked the woman in front of me if she would mind putting on her hat. - George S. Kaufman
- I once said of a politician, “He’ll double cross that bridge when he comes to it. – Oscar Levant
- In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact. – Marlene Dietrich
- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. – Eric Hoffer
- A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H.L. Mencken
- I prefer the wicked over the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. – Alexander Dumas
- If you talk to God you are praying, if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. – Thomas Szasz
The story of one man’s quest for love:
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am now looking for a girl with big tits.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
WALL STREET JARGON 2009
CEO -------------------- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -------------------- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET ---- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ---- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ---- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ---------------- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing..
BROKER ----------------- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ---------- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT ---------------- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ---- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION --- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ---------------------- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ---------------------------- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS ------------------------- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ------------ An archaic word no longer in use.
LIQUIDITY --------- When you look at your investments and wet your pants
Weather forecast for Iraq for the weekend – Partly Sunni but mostly Shi’ite.
So I went into the drug store and asked for the ball type of deodorant but the blonde behind the counter said all they had was the kind for under your arms.
I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!
I have a good friend in the US who, because of the economic downturn, has downsized his housing. He used to live in a million dollar home but now lives in a four hundred thousand dollar home. The only good news is that he didn’t even have to move!
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of frustration with politicians:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown, S.A. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts . "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in South Africa ." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Arrggghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. , and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I know I'm overweight but I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes seem to have numbers on them.''
10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smart ass!''
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this dumb? And unfortunately these idiots continue to breed, vote and represent their constituents.
Goldberg is the Shamas at the shul. One day he receives a package for the shul and signs for it with an "X". The shul president asks what gives with the "X", and Goldberg admits that he can't write. The president discusses this with the committee and they agree that it will not do to have an illiterate shamas, so they fire him. What is an unemployed shamas to do? He opens a grocery store.... And it does very well.... So he opens another. He becomes so successful that very soon he has a chain of supermarkets. He decides to expand across the country and he gets a billion-dollar loan from the bank. The loan documents are placed before him for his signature. In the space he makes an "X". The bank manager looks at the "X" on the document, shakes his head and says to Goldberg: "Mr. Goldberg, can you imagine what you could have become if only you knew how to write...?" Goldberg answers "Yes, I know... a shamas."
A man is walking down the street when a very beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is stunning, completely nude, and has green skin. Astonished, the man starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?" "Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space'." "Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Are all the women on Andromeda as beautiful as you, and do you all have green skin?" "Yes, we are all beautiful," replies the woman, "and everyone is green on Andromeda." The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedian people have 12 toes on each foot?" "Yes, they do," replies the woman. "Please, may I ask you one more question?" The woman nods. "I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedian women have large diamonds on their fingers?" "Well, no," the woman answers, "not the Shiksas."
Well, last Sunday most of us put the clocks ahead an hour so here are a few reflections on time:
Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. - William Faulkner
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault
Time goes, you say? Ah no! Alas, Time stays, we go. - Henry Austin Dobson
Time is like the wind, it lifts the light and leaves the heavy. - Doménico Cieri Estrada
There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time. - Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815
Time is the wisest counsellor of all. - Pericles
Time is the most undefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires. - Charles Caleb Colton
Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst. - William Penn
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz
There is no moment like the present. The man who will not execute his resolutions when they are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterwards: they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and scurry of the world, or sunk in the slough of indolence. - Maria Edgeworth
Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can't buy more hours. Scientists can't invent new minutes. And you can't save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you've wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow. - Denis Waitely
So many mists in March we see,
So many frosts in May will be.
A peck of March dust is worth a king’s ransom.
The March sun lets snow stand on a stone.
Better to be bitten by a snake than to feel the sun in March.
In March much snow,
To plants and trees much woe.
A windy March and a rainy April make a beautiful May.
A dry March, a wet April.
A wet March, a sad autumn.
The stormy March is come at last,
With wind, and cloud, and changing skies;
I hear the rushing of the blast
That through the snowy valley flies.
–William Cullen Bryant (1794–1878)
And now for the late night quotes:
"I'd love to give you some good economic news, but here's what I got. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said that our current economic crisis is as bad as the attack on Pearl Harbor, but still not as bad as the movie 'Pearl Harbor.'" -- Jimmy Fallon
"The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range ballistic missile. But North Korea insists that it is just a satellite intended for peaceful purposes, like peacefully bombing South Korea." -- Jimmy Fallon
"Celebrity birthday today - Osama bin Laden turned 52 today, and apparently he's going through a mid-life crisis because he bought himself a bright red 1965 camel." -- David Letterman
"Well, in a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion. See this is capitalism!" -- Jay Leno
"In North Korea, they're grooming President Kim Jong-il's son to take over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea know, this doesn't always work out the best." -- Jay Leno
"And in real estate news, the octo-mom just bought a home here in Southern California for $565,000. How is she paying for this? She's got 14 kids, no job and no credit. Who financed this deal, A.I.G.?" -- Jay Leno
"And 66 percent of Americans think the government should pass laws to fight obesity. Oh, shut up! You know, how about just passing the buffet table, O.K? Try that before we get the government involved." -- Jay Leno
"And a sheriff in Illinois is suing Craigslist, claiming it's the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Apparently there are over 10,000 prostitutes on Craigslist, according to a list compiled by former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer." -- Jay Leno
"The New York Stock Exchange, by the way, if you are interested, is now a 99 cent store so get down there and do what you can." -- David Letterman
"Well, this is kind of exciting. There's talk president Barack Obama wants to lift trade restrictions with Cuba, which is great news for anybody here looking to buy a '58 Buick." -- Jay Leno
"Hey, did you see this on the news? I thought this was nice. Over the weekend in Washington, DC, First Lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic." -- Jay Leno
"And former President George W. Bush says he'll start a national speaking tour soon. You know, as soon as he learns how to speak." -- Jay Leno
"President Obama signed a bill today overturning President Bush's restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure disease and help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden." -- Jay Leno
"And astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They name the black holes 'AIG-1' and 'AIG-2.'" -- Jay Leno
"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers
"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers
"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers
"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher
"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman
"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, however. And he says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I'm thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don't know about a debate." -- David Letterman
"You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for $50 billion, and now his lovely wife Ruth was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that. She and her husband say it's not fraud money, it's money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires." -- David Letterman
"Oh, big day in Washington, DC, today. Pretty boy Brad Pitt was down there talking to Congress. Brad Pitt, of course, married to the original octomom." -- David Letterman
"Here's a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower." -- David Letterman
"So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, 'Wow! There really hasn't been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.'" -- David Letterman
"Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I'm driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning." -- David Letterman
"Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped." -- David Letterman
"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson
"One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't one of them." -- Craig Ferguson
"I love this story. The President's latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?" -- Jay Leno
"And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government's "Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'" -- Jay Leno
"Here's some uplifting news from Iraq. For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil." --Jimmy Fallon
"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife." --Jimmy Fallon
"Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1 place on the web for things that have already been invented." --Jimmy Fallon
"Our new Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is working very hard traveling all over the world. She's been to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, Israel, or as Bill calls it, 'spring break! Yeah!'" --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to several US presidents. When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' Now I am fired!"
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, Medicare, etc. and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Quotes from Curmudgeons:
- An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas
- Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. – H.L. Mencken
- During the performance of a very bad play, I leaned over and politely asked the woman in front of me if she would mind putting on her hat. - George S. Kaufman
- I once said of a politician, “He’ll double cross that bridge when he comes to it. – Oscar Levant
- In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact. – Marlene Dietrich
- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. – Eric Hoffer
- A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H.L. Mencken
- I prefer the wicked over the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. – Alexander Dumas
- If you talk to God you are praying, if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. – Thomas Szasz
The story of one man’s quest for love:
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am now looking for a girl with big tits.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
WALL STREET JARGON 2009
CEO -------------------- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -------------------- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET ---- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ---- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ---- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ---------------- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing..
BROKER ----------------- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ---------- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT ---------------- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ---- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION --- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ---------------------- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ---------------------------- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS ------------------------- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ------------ An archaic word no longer in use.
LIQUIDITY --------- When you look at your investments and wet your pants
Weather forecast for Iraq for the weekend – Partly Sunni but mostly Shi’ite.
So I went into the drug store and asked for the ball type of deodorant but the blonde behind the counter said all they had was the kind for under your arms.
I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!
I have a good friend in the US who, because of the economic downturn, has downsized his housing. He used to live in a million dollar home but now lives in a four hundred thousand dollar home. The only good news is that he didn’t even have to move!
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of frustration with politicians:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown, S.A. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts . "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in South Africa ." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Arrggghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. , and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I know I'm overweight but I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes seem to have numbers on them.''
10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smart ass!''
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this dumb? And unfortunately these idiots continue to breed, vote and represent their constituents.
Goldberg is the Shamas at the shul. One day he receives a package for the shul and signs for it with an "X". The shul president asks what gives with the "X", and Goldberg admits that he can't write. The president discusses this with the committee and they agree that it will not do to have an illiterate shamas, so they fire him. What is an unemployed shamas to do? He opens a grocery store.... And it does very well.... So he opens another. He becomes so successful that very soon he has a chain of supermarkets. He decides to expand across the country and he gets a billion-dollar loan from the bank. The loan documents are placed before him for his signature. In the space he makes an "X". The bank manager looks at the "X" on the document, shakes his head and says to Goldberg: "Mr. Goldberg, can you imagine what you could have become if only you knew how to write...?" Goldberg answers "Yes, I know... a shamas."
A man is walking down the street when a very beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is stunning, completely nude, and has green skin. Astonished, the man starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?" "Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space'." "Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Are all the women on Andromeda as beautiful as you, and do you all have green skin?" "Yes, we are all beautiful," replies the woman, "and everyone is green on Andromeda." The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedian people have 12 toes on each foot?" "Yes, they do," replies the woman. "Please, may I ask you one more question?" The woman nods. "I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedian women have large diamonds on their fingers?" "Well, no," the woman answers, "not the Shiksas."
Well, last Sunday most of us put the clocks ahead an hour so here are a few reflections on time:
Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. - William Faulkner
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault
Time goes, you say? Ah no! Alas, Time stays, we go. - Henry Austin Dobson
Time is like the wind, it lifts the light and leaves the heavy. - Doménico Cieri Estrada
There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time. - Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815
Time is the wisest counsellor of all. - Pericles
Time is the most undefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires. - Charles Caleb Colton
Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst. - William Penn
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz
There is no moment like the present. The man who will not execute his resolutions when they are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterwards: they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and scurry of the world, or sunk in the slough of indolence. - Maria Edgeworth
Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can't buy more hours. Scientists can't invent new minutes. And you can't save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you've wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow. - Denis Waitely
Friday, March 6, 2009
Friday Funnies March 6 09
From the Farmer’s Almanac:
March was named for the Roman god of war, Mars. This was the time of year to resume military campaigns that had been interrupted by winter.
When people talk about March weather, they always seem to mention the lamb and lion saying. Some sky watchers believe that there’s a heavenly connection. The constellation Leo, the lion, is rising in the east at the beginning of March, hence the “comes in like a lion,” while Aries, the ram, sets in the west at the end of March, and so “will go out like a lamb.”
Yes, spring starts on the 20th with the vernal equinox, but March is notoriously temperamental weather-wise, with a mix of fast-moving weather systems, record-breaking storms, and mud. We advise you to savor the warm days. Fling open the windows and let spring blow in!
It is the first mild day of March: Each minute sweeter than before, The redbreast sings from the tall larch That stands beside our door.–William Wordsworth (1770–1850)
A Happy Birthday to my twin sister Mary! Many Happy Returns of the Day! You're only as old as you (think you) feel! Poor old thing's turning 60. (OK, OK, I can hear her now, " What do you mean, 'poor old thing,' Mr. Grey Hair and remember you'll always be ten minutes older than me!)
And please don’t forget for most of us Daylight Savings Time begins as we spring the clocks forward on Sunday!
"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon
And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let's hope they don't spend it all on rocks this time." -Jay Leno
"See, apparently, we ran out of banks in this country to bail out. So now we're bailing out the West Bank as well." -Jay Leno
"No. This is what they said. The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the people. All the money will go directly to the people. Why can't we get that deal in this country? Why does it go to the banks?" -Jay Leno
"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno
"Hey, speaking of that, it is now being reported that former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a book. See, it took him a while to sign the book deal, because, like everything else in his life, he was waiting for the highest bidder." -Jay Leno
"No, Blagojevich said plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it's an autobiography." -Jay Leno
"Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation." --David Letterman
"The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven't seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House." --Craig Ferguson
"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, 'Thank you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to stay.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game, to which the Canadians said, 'Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems." --Jay Leno
"Well, we got a big snowstorm here in New York City. Whew! I want to tell you, that Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble." --David Letterman
"But the good news is that the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers." --David Letterman
"I had so much snow in the suburbs, you can't see the foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson
"Hey, there's two big pieces of news from Iran. The first is that the C.I.A. believes that the Iranians will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now. And second, the Iranians -- and this is the interesting part -- are demanding an apology from Hollywood. Are these things related? I hope not, actually." --Craig Ferguson
"What happened is that yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe." --Craig Ferguson
"Remember last year, the Iranian President, Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, said there were no gays in Iran? Uh-huh. Let me see. There are no gays in Iran but the president has an 'arts and cinema adviser.' Kind of undercuts your case, you know what I mean?" --Craig Ferguson
"But Hollywood never apologizes for anything, ever. Like, I've seen dozens of bad movies in my life. Nobody's apologizing to me, Iran. But then again, I don't have nuclear weapons. Oh, wait, neither do you, right?" --Craig Ferguson
"Obama announced today we are finally, it's official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we're going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher
"Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher
"Yeah, CitiCorp got their third bailout from the taxpayers. We now own 36 percent of CitiCorp, huh? And the CEO of CitiBank said, 'This does not change our strategy, our operations, or our governance.' Well, that's a relief. Just keep that shitty bank magic going, would you?" --Bill Maher
"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? He delivered his first speech to a joint session of Congress. I watched at home with friends, also a joint session." --Bill Maher
"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart
"So how did Obama do? [on screen: Obama discussing all of the grave problems facing the country right now]. Sobering reality, check. And the hope part? [on screen: Obama talking about the ideas he has to fix the issues facing us]. All right, hope, there you go. Nice agenda. Solid, confident, definitely... [on screen: Obama pledging to reform healthcare]. Okay, easy there, fella. Let's keep our feet on the ground here. Let's just... [on screen: Obama talking about finding a cure for cancer 'in our time']. What are you, a fucking wizard? Slow down!" By 2010, we'll have Cinnabons that make you skinnier. By 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about." --Jon Stewart
"Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we're all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. In other words, we're screwed, because those are two things we're not good at around here." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The State of the Union addresses, they're a funny thing. It's very formal, but the president comes in the room like a boxer. He comes in, he makes his way through the crowd in little satin shorts, and then he takes off his robe and he goes up on the stage." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The president says he intends to embark on bold new programs to expand healthcare, improve education and increase energy independence, all while cutting the deficit in half, and then, he's going to make the Washington monument disappear. So this should be exciting." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It:
10. His "office" is in the patio section at Wal-Mart.
9. Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates.
8. Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle."
7. He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange.
6. When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow."
5. Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator.
4. Claims to be the bastard child of Merill and Lynch.
3. When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"
2. Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent.
1. During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife (CBS, 3/3).
The Government announced today that it has created a mascot to be a symbol of our current economic state, given the recent bailouts. The symbol will be the condom because it accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn! It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!
A young Plowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that sumbitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!""That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.
American comment on the inauguration:
"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week. At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush Board Air Force One for last time. I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Bush. Every last one of them missed. "
Two Newfies were looking a Sears catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest Newfie asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?' The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." She says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." She says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."
In honour of the mother of the recently born, controversial octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal, The “Octo-Slam.” You get fourteen eggs, no sausage... and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females" he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A middle-aged guy gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Words of whizdom: (I found them written above urinals)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I found Jesus! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
1. Men are like laxatives…they irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like bananas… the older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like weather… nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like blenders… you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like chocolate bars… sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like commercials… you can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like department stores… their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like government bonds.... they take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like mascara… they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like popcorn… they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like snowstorms… you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like lava lamps… fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like parking spots… all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint... when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?'
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Lancelot the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Lancelot revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Lancelot to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without a pause Lancelot readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Lancelot would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Lancelot to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Lancelot the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Lancelot worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Lancelot left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Lancelot found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less. He knew that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Lancelot.
The moral of the story... honour your debts.
Kitchen Wisdom: Martha Stewart Vs. Maxine
Martha : Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.
Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you.
Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine?? HELLO!!!!!!!
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
Life Observations:
- The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
- What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.
- My wife and I have a system for settling arguments. We just talk and talk until she's right.
- A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
- Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
- If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
- Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- A deceased atheist is a man who is all dressed up with no place to go!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ' Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Opening his front door, a Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much." "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property." "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not protected from robbers?" "I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest. "Who?" asked the rabbi. "Fundraisers!"
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Have a great weekend!
cheers, brian
March was named for the Roman god of war, Mars. This was the time of year to resume military campaigns that had been interrupted by winter.
When people talk about March weather, they always seem to mention the lamb and lion saying. Some sky watchers believe that there’s a heavenly connection. The constellation Leo, the lion, is rising in the east at the beginning of March, hence the “comes in like a lion,” while Aries, the ram, sets in the west at the end of March, and so “will go out like a lamb.”
Yes, spring starts on the 20th with the vernal equinox, but March is notoriously temperamental weather-wise, with a mix of fast-moving weather systems, record-breaking storms, and mud. We advise you to savor the warm days. Fling open the windows and let spring blow in!
It is the first mild day of March: Each minute sweeter than before, The redbreast sings from the tall larch That stands beside our door.–William Wordsworth (1770–1850)
A Happy Birthday to my twin sister Mary! Many Happy Returns of the Day! You're only as old as you (think you) feel! Poor old thing's turning 60. (OK, OK, I can hear her now, " What do you mean, 'poor old thing,' Mr. Grey Hair and remember you'll always be ten minutes older than me!)
And please don’t forget for most of us Daylight Savings Time begins as we spring the clocks forward on Sunday!
"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon
And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let's hope they don't spend it all on rocks this time." -Jay Leno
"See, apparently, we ran out of banks in this country to bail out. So now we're bailing out the West Bank as well." -Jay Leno
"No. This is what they said. The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the people. All the money will go directly to the people. Why can't we get that deal in this country? Why does it go to the banks?" -Jay Leno
"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno
"Hey, speaking of that, it is now being reported that former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a book. See, it took him a while to sign the book deal, because, like everything else in his life, he was waiting for the highest bidder." -Jay Leno
"No, Blagojevich said plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it's an autobiography." -Jay Leno
"Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation." --David Letterman
"The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven't seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House." --Craig Ferguson
"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, 'Thank you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to stay.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game, to which the Canadians said, 'Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems." --Jay Leno
"Well, we got a big snowstorm here in New York City. Whew! I want to tell you, that Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble." --David Letterman
"But the good news is that the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers." --David Letterman
"I had so much snow in the suburbs, you can't see the foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson
"Hey, there's two big pieces of news from Iran. The first is that the C.I.A. believes that the Iranians will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now. And second, the Iranians -- and this is the interesting part -- are demanding an apology from Hollywood. Are these things related? I hope not, actually." --Craig Ferguson
"What happened is that yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe." --Craig Ferguson
"Remember last year, the Iranian President, Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, said there were no gays in Iran? Uh-huh. Let me see. There are no gays in Iran but the president has an 'arts and cinema adviser.' Kind of undercuts your case, you know what I mean?" --Craig Ferguson
"But Hollywood never apologizes for anything, ever. Like, I've seen dozens of bad movies in my life. Nobody's apologizing to me, Iran. But then again, I don't have nuclear weapons. Oh, wait, neither do you, right?" --Craig Ferguson
"Obama announced today we are finally, it's official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we're going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher
"Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher
"Yeah, CitiCorp got their third bailout from the taxpayers. We now own 36 percent of CitiCorp, huh? And the CEO of CitiBank said, 'This does not change our strategy, our operations, or our governance.' Well, that's a relief. Just keep that shitty bank magic going, would you?" --Bill Maher
"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? He delivered his first speech to a joint session of Congress. I watched at home with friends, also a joint session." --Bill Maher
"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart
"So how did Obama do? [on screen: Obama discussing all of the grave problems facing the country right now]. Sobering reality, check. And the hope part? [on screen: Obama talking about the ideas he has to fix the issues facing us]. All right, hope, there you go. Nice agenda. Solid, confident, definitely... [on screen: Obama pledging to reform healthcare]. Okay, easy there, fella. Let's keep our feet on the ground here. Let's just... [on screen: Obama talking about finding a cure for cancer 'in our time']. What are you, a fucking wizard? Slow down!" By 2010, we'll have Cinnabons that make you skinnier. By 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about." --Jon Stewart
"Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we're all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. In other words, we're screwed, because those are two things we're not good at around here." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The State of the Union addresses, they're a funny thing. It's very formal, but the president comes in the room like a boxer. He comes in, he makes his way through the crowd in little satin shorts, and then he takes off his robe and he goes up on the stage." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The president says he intends to embark on bold new programs to expand healthcare, improve education and increase energy independence, all while cutting the deficit in half, and then, he's going to make the Washington monument disappear. So this should be exciting." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It:
10. His "office" is in the patio section at Wal-Mart.
9. Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates.
8. Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle."
7. He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange.
6. When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow."
5. Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator.
4. Claims to be the bastard child of Merill and Lynch.
3. When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"
2. Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent.
1. During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife (CBS, 3/3).
The Government announced today that it has created a mascot to be a symbol of our current economic state, given the recent bailouts. The symbol will be the condom because it accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn! It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!
A young Plowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that sumbitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!""That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.
American comment on the inauguration:
"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week. At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush Board Air Force One for last time. I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Bush. Every last one of them missed. "
Two Newfies were looking a Sears catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest Newfie asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?' The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." She says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." She says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."
In honour of the mother of the recently born, controversial octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal, The “Octo-Slam.” You get fourteen eggs, no sausage... and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females" he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A middle-aged guy gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Words of whizdom: (I found them written above urinals)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I found Jesus! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
1. Men are like laxatives…they irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like bananas… the older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like weather… nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like blenders… you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like chocolate bars… sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like commercials… you can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like department stores… their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like government bonds.... they take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like mascara… they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like popcorn… they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like snowstorms… you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like lava lamps… fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like parking spots… all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint... when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?'
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Lancelot the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Lancelot revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Lancelot to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without a pause Lancelot readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Lancelot would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Lancelot to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Lancelot the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Lancelot worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Lancelot left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Lancelot found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less. He knew that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Lancelot.
The moral of the story... honour your debts.
Kitchen Wisdom: Martha Stewart Vs. Maxine
Martha : Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.
Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you.
Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine?? HELLO!!!!!!!
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
Life Observations:
- The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
- What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.
- My wife and I have a system for settling arguments. We just talk and talk until she's right.
- A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
- Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
- If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
- Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- A deceased atheist is a man who is all dressed up with no place to go!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ' Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Opening his front door, a Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much." "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property." "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not protected from robbers?" "I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest. "Who?" asked the rabbi. "Fundraisers!"
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Have a great weekend!
cheers, brian
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)