"What was it, 101 today? Man, it was hot. People were sweating like Miss California at the gay pride parade." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's no surprise, Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in -- this is an unbelievable number -- $443 billion in revenue, and made a profit of $45 billion. You know, here's my question: why not have Exxon bail out the car companies? I mean, one can't live without the other, right?" --Jay Leno
"They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems long for an election. Unless you're from Minnesota. Then it's like nothing." --Jay Leno
"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno
"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia." --Jimmy Fallon
"It's 'Green Is Universal' week here at NBC. We're all getting into it. Everyone here at NBC is pitching in. Earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he's going to release his hair back into the wild." --Jimmy Fallon
"Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in NY City:
10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu.
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl."
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me.
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail.
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?
"There's been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won't thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno
"Well, as you know, President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to, Texas." --Jay Leno
"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno
"And amid much criticism, President Obama has released top-secret terror memos from the Bush Administration. According to the memos, President Bush authorized various forms of torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of course, the fourth hour of the 'Today' show." --Jay Leno
"And American hero, Captain Richard Phillips, who was recently captured by Somali pirates, flew home to Vermont over the weekend. Ironically, the movie on the plane, 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'" --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to 'The New York Times,' which won five Pulitzer Prizes today, including one for breaking the call girl scandal that ended Eliot Spitzer's career. And Spitzer won a prize for fiction, for the story he told his wife about the affair." --Jay Leno
"Very exciting news. We have a Miss USA Her name is Kristen Dalton, and she is from North Carolina. She says she's now looking forward to one day being the Republican vice presidential candidate." --Jay Leno
"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno (but she could still qualify as a future Republican vice presidential candidate)
"Well, recently, that evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book." --David Letterman
"It's hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded." --Craig Ferguson
"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on!" --Jay Leno
"Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he's talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he's done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too." --Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno
"Here's a story that writes itself. People who contribute money to help Hillary Clinton pay off her presidential campaign are being offered the chance to spend a day with Bill Clinton. Yeah. ... No, that's real. All you have to be willing to do is write down everything Bill does and then report back to Hillary." --Jay Leno
"It's being reported a congressional aide caught a staph infection at the Congressional gym. Hey, let me tell you something. If that's all you catch from a congressman, consider yourself lucky." --Jay Leno
"Let me ask you something. Did you even know there was a Congressional gym? Have you seen your average congressman? Does Barney Frank look like he's been to the gym to you? No. I don't know who's using it." --Jay Leno
"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno
"More bad economic news. Southwest Airlines announced they lost $91 million in the first quarter. Now they say they're going to have to start cutting back. Cutting back? Have you ever flown Southwest, huh? What, are they taking the glass out of the windows?" --Jay Leno
"We have a new 'border czar.' His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas." --Jay Leno
"Do you know about this? Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax tea party this week by saying that Texas has the right to secede from the Union if it wants to. And former President Bush, who now lives in Texas, is of course against the idea. Bush said if Texas leaves the Union, they'll be a foreign country, 'like Alaska and Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno
"But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil." --Jay Leno
"President Obama's now in Mexico. He has already met with the FWEA, the Future Wal-Mart Employees of America." --Jay Leno
"Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it's cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates' way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It's the same way the bank bailout works." --Jay Leno
"In Philadelphia, a government program offering a $10,000 tax credit to any business hiring an ex-con had no takers. In fact, you know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? They get re-elected." --Jay Leno
"The state of California says that singer Dionne Warwick owes $2.2 million in back taxes. I feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, if there had only been some sort of group or network of psychics she could have consulted with." --Jay Leno
"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno
"George W. Bush has reportedly landed a $7 million book deal. The book will be about his years as president and is tentatively called 'Decision Point,' because every time Bush had to make a decision, he would point to Cheney." --Jay Leno
"A lot of folks from out of town visiting New York City. Be careful, word of caution, word of caution. Never hail a cab, now I'm serious about this, never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones." --David Letterman
"Have you had a cab driver using a cell phone? I'm in the cab this morning coming to work and I said, 'Look, look, look. Look, do me a favor, stop talking on your cell phone.' And the driver said, 'I'm not talking on my cell phone, I'm on Google Earth trying to track down an oil tanker off the Horn of Africa.'" --David Letterman
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is still paying off her $6 million debt for her unsuccessful presidential campaign. And they're doing it by auctioning off a number of things, including a chance to spend a day with former President Bill Clinton in New York City, which I think technically makes Hillary a pimp, doesn't it?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, the governor of Texas, Rick Perry, said Texans are fed up with Washington. He said they might secede from the rest of America. If Texas forms their own country, they could be invaded by Mexico. They'll have to change their name to Texico." --Craig Ferguson
"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party." --Jay Leno
"According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'" --Jay Leno
"And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. If you do travel to Cuba, don't forget to set your watch back 50 years. Yeah, if you go back. If you're looking for a '58 Buick, that's the place to get it." --Jay Leno
"President Obama is going to Mexico tomorrow. He visited Canada a couple weeks ago, then he went throughout Europe, then he went to Iraq, and tomorrow he's going to Mexico. See, this is what happens when your mother-in-law moves in with you. 'Honey, I'm going to be out on the road a couple weeks.'" --Jay Leno
"And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this." --Jay Leno
"You know what you call a bunch of lawyers sitting around out of work doing nothing? Congress!" --Jay Leno
"In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it's being held in Arlington's Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. 'Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'" --Jay Leno
"Here's something that caught my attention as I was leafing through the paper this morning. NBC is making a reality show starring former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. This is the same network that didn't want me." --David Letterman
There are more and more states now where you can get married if you are a gay couple. For example, Vermont, gay couples can get married in Vermont. So that's good news for Ben and Jerry." --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You:
10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.
9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."
8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.
7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4, 270.
6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."
5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."
4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.
3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."
2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.
1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico
Yesterday was St. George’s Day.
The Farmer’s Almanac gives us this old weather proverb: “When on St. George's Day rye will hide a crow, a good harvest may be expected.” ……well, if it ain’t high enough, you can always just drink enough rye so you’re high enough not to give a damn if you can see the crow!
Oldie Goldie (prompted by the return of the good weather)
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work. Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do? I'm a rectum stretcher, she responded. The cop stammered, a what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' Well, she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide. And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.
Traffic Ticket $195.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face ...... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!
So at tax time people often ask if it’s better to buy or lease. Well, let’s take the example of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time. On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with an amazing body charges $4,000 an hour - for anything! Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a $41.7 million savings). Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, no splinters, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked - all at one seventh the cost, and no legal fees. Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
The wealthy lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, ‘Honey, I'm going to Originals to have a beer, I'll be right back’. 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. ‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses.... ‘He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious.. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet Honey... At the bar.... You know there are swearing, dirty words and all that...' ‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? Makes my eyes tear up!
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny.The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called Lifeline. Got a stinking call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
The graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
'Geezers' are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of O Canada and the Star Spangled Banner. Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-53, The Cold War, the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam. If you bump into an Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass a Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren, if they have any. It's the Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever! Thank God for Geezers!
Food for thought;
A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business. Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together. He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Every day, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure. Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow. A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room.
When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him! When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives. Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!' All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!' When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story. The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed. 'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said. Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment.
If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you plant faith in God (Good, if you will), you will reap a harvest.
So, be careful what you plant now, it will determine what you will reap later.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday Funnies April 17 09
"Whew! Last night, I had that great new drink, the Navy Seal. Three shots -- boom -- and you're done." --Jay Leno
"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, Captain Phillips was rescued when Navy Seals shot and killed three of the pirates, although, according to Phil Spector's attorney, the pirates shot themselves in the head." --Jay Leno
"There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It's a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Now, don't confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different." --Jay Leno
"You know, Portuguese water dogs are very intelligent animals. In fact, some White House Cabinet officials have already taught it how to get out of paying taxes." --Jay Leno
"And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'" --Jay Leno
"How about those Navy Seals, though? They rescued Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and guest star Charo." --David Letterman
"And now, there is serious trouble there off the coast of Somalia. Other pirates have vowed to avenge the death of their colleagues. Colleagues? What is this, a rotary club? What is this, a faculty meeting?" --David Letterman
How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." --David Letterman
"A new dog in the White House. I believe there hasn't been a dog in the White House since that pack of semi-domesticated wolves that Cheney kept in his dungeon." --David Letterman
"I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that." --Jimmy Fallon
"Well, you've been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah! As you know, Navy Seals kicked some Somali pirate booty this weekend. I tell you, those Navy Seals, what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots that were sitting on the pirates' shoulders." --Jay Leno
"I tell you this, this Capt. Richard Phillips is a genuine American hero. He allowed himself to be taken hostage to save the lives of his crew. And did you know that this Captain Phillips used to be a cab driver in Boston? In fact, so were half the Somali pirates that kidnapped him." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can!' Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, 'Yes, we can.' That has got to make the French a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Of course, the hardest thing these days about paper-training a puppy is finding a newspaper that's still in business." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Actually, this has become a first family tradition. All the first families have had a dog. The Obamas have Bo, that's the name of the dog. The Bushes had Barney. The Clintons, of course, had Bill." --Jay Leno
"This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000." --Jay Leno
"Well, look at this. I pick up the paper today, and according to a survey on how Americans will spend their tax returns, 48 percent say they'll pay debts, 39 percent will save it, 27 percent will use it for everyday expenses, 11 percent will make a major purchase, and another 11 percent will use it for vacation. OK, that adds up to 136 percent. OK, there's the problem right there!" --Jay Leno
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"President Obama on Thursday night hosted what may have been the first Passover Seder in the White House, and in a sign of the president's popularity, Elijah showed up." --Seth Meyers
"A new comics being published this summer called Barack the Barbarian, featuring the pres in a loincloth. Also featuring the pres in a loincloth, Chris Matthews' daydreams." --Seth Meyers
"The number one threat: President Obama. Now folks, we all know how he greeted Saudi King Abdullah. [on screen: reports of Obama bowing, 'something no other President has done]. Exactly! The president cannot debase himself and our country by bowing in front of the Saudi King. You hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and reorient our entire foreign policy of the last 20 years around securing his oil deposits [on screen: photos of George W. Bush with Abdullah]. As for you, King Abdullah: looking good, keep that gas under two bucks a gallon and you can turn the Lincoln Memorial into a camel stall." --Stephen Colbert
A few oldie goldies
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline Read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than' Pen Island '. It can be found at: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company.
Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com
6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky
Web site: www.speedofart.com
Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator and strike up a conversation. The first guy says, 'I'm a YUPPIE., you know. ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, 'I'm a DINKY, you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. 'The third guy says, 'I'm a RUB., you know. ''Rich, Urban, Biker. 'The fourth guy says, I am a DILDO, you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?'' She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know. 'Wash, Iron, Fuck and Entertain.''
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour
massaging his balls-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT? What was that?' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear, 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee..
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00Coffee: $1.00Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:Parts: $50.00DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00Total: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
In keeping up with the Rosen's and the Abelson's,
Birchwood Country Club 25 Kings Hwy S Westport , CT 06880
I wake up in the morning ,
A friend does most or all of these...
(A)ccepts you as you are
"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, Captain Phillips was rescued when Navy Seals shot and killed three of the pirates, although, according to Phil Spector's attorney, the pirates shot themselves in the head." --Jay Leno
"There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It's a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Now, don't confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different." --Jay Leno
"You know, Portuguese water dogs are very intelligent animals. In fact, some White House Cabinet officials have already taught it how to get out of paying taxes." --Jay Leno
"And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'" --Jay Leno
"How about those Navy Seals, though? They rescued Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and guest star Charo." --David Letterman
"And now, there is serious trouble there off the coast of Somalia. Other pirates have vowed to avenge the death of their colleagues. Colleagues? What is this, a rotary club? What is this, a faculty meeting?" --David Letterman
How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." --David Letterman
"A new dog in the White House. I believe there hasn't been a dog in the White House since that pack of semi-domesticated wolves that Cheney kept in his dungeon." --David Letterman
"I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that." --Jimmy Fallon
"Well, you've been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah! As you know, Navy Seals kicked some Somali pirate booty this weekend. I tell you, those Navy Seals, what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots that were sitting on the pirates' shoulders." --Jay Leno
"I tell you this, this Capt. Richard Phillips is a genuine American hero. He allowed himself to be taken hostage to save the lives of his crew. And did you know that this Captain Phillips used to be a cab driver in Boston? In fact, so were half the Somali pirates that kidnapped him." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can!' Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, 'Yes, we can.' That has got to make the French a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Of course, the hardest thing these days about paper-training a puppy is finding a newspaper that's still in business." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Actually, this has become a first family tradition. All the first families have had a dog. The Obamas have Bo, that's the name of the dog. The Bushes had Barney. The Clintons, of course, had Bill." --Jay Leno
"This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000." --Jay Leno
"Well, look at this. I pick up the paper today, and according to a survey on how Americans will spend their tax returns, 48 percent say they'll pay debts, 39 percent will save it, 27 percent will use it for everyday expenses, 11 percent will make a major purchase, and another 11 percent will use it for vacation. OK, that adds up to 136 percent. OK, there's the problem right there!" --Jay Leno
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"President Obama on Thursday night hosted what may have been the first Passover Seder in the White House, and in a sign of the president's popularity, Elijah showed up." --Seth Meyers
"A new comics being published this summer called Barack the Barbarian, featuring the pres in a loincloth. Also featuring the pres in a loincloth, Chris Matthews' daydreams." --Seth Meyers
"The number one threat: President Obama. Now folks, we all know how he greeted Saudi King Abdullah. [on screen: reports of Obama bowing, 'something no other President has done]. Exactly! The president cannot debase himself and our country by bowing in front of the Saudi King. You hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and reorient our entire foreign policy of the last 20 years around securing his oil deposits [on screen: photos of George W. Bush with Abdullah]. As for you, King Abdullah: looking good, keep that gas under two bucks a gallon and you can turn the Lincoln Memorial into a camel stall." --Stephen Colbert
A few oldie goldies
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline Read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than' Pen Island '. It can be found at: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company.
Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com
6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky
Web site: www.speedofart.com
Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator and strike up a conversation. The first guy says, 'I'm a YUPPIE., you know. ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, 'I'm a DINKY, you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. 'The third guy says, 'I'm a RUB., you know. ''Rich, Urban, Biker. 'The fourth guy says, I am a DILDO, you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?'' She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know. 'Wash, Iron, Fuck and Entertain.''
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour
massaging his balls-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT? What was that?' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear, 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee..
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00Coffee: $1.00Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:Parts: $50.00DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00Total: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Sauce unknown
The Invitation:
In keeping up with the Rosen's and the Abelson's,
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue
and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son,
Jacob Adam
is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th –
(yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
(yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am
even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the 3 hour service,
please skip the kiddush (its just cookies and cake)
and join us instead
for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal,
which starts at 7 PM , (not 8 PM. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club 25 Kings Hwy S Westport , CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses,
funny hats, fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees,
most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore,
lots of REAL bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines.
At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food.
Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending,
or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this
and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number.
"Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength.
I wake up in the morning ,
And can hardly wait to see
If I've received a mailing,
Addressed from you to me.
I get my 'puter running'
And much to my delight,
Your poems, jokes and other things
Come quickly into sight.
Please keep those emails coming,
They are so enjoyable you see
Funny things, friendly things
Those things you mail to me.
But most of all the fun of it,
Is knowing that they came.
From you, my friend,
The one I need not name.
A friend does most or all of these...
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in 'you'
(C)alls you just to say 'HI'
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust 'be' with you
(J)ust 'be' with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
Thank you my friend.
Thank you my friend.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friday Funnies April 10 09
"This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp." --Seth Meyers
"Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler." --Seth Meyers
"The pres is in France, where he was hailed as the black Jerry Lewis. He had a town hall meeting there, which a lot of people said was brave. Not for facing the people, but for putting himself in a room full of French people raising their hands." --Bill Maher
"He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher
"Then it was on to Germany, for Obama. The Germans offered to let him fire the CEO of Volkswagen." --Bill Maher
"Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground." --Bill Maher
"It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes." --Jimmy Fallon
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"First Lady Michelle Obama is a huge hit in England. There was a bit of controversy when she put her hand on the Queen's back. The Queen took it as a gesture of friendship, but I think Michelle went a little too far when she tried to feed Camilla a carrot." --Jay Leno
"Protesters in London tried to disrupt the G20 summit. One bank was overrun with anti-money demonstrators. And they kept shouting, 'Abolish money!' Luckily, they were beaten back by an outraged Heather Mills." --Jay Leno
"People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth." --Jay Leno
"And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno
"Do you know that over 500 administrative staff members traveled to London with the President? Not for the summit. They just want to be out of the country during tax time." --Jay Leno
"At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China." --Jay Leno
"And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot." --Jay Leno
"And according to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of suicide. Well, that'll help you fall asleep." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who's running General Motors?" --Jay Leno (What about that trip to Canada, Jay?)
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we're the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, 'Why didn't we think of this?'" --Jay Leno
"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno
"And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno
"And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno
President Obama is in London right now for a meeting with 19 other world leaders. This morning, he and the First Lady met Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. He gave her an iPod as a gift, which is perfect. Now she can listen to Lil Wayne on the treadmill without anyone bothering her." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno
"As you know, economists have been predicting the U.S. auto industry would be in big trouble. See, that's why I have so many cars. I've been stockpiling. I was smart. I knew this would happen." --Jay Leno
"President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers' money. You know what G.M. should have said? 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, President Obama guarantees that if you buy a G.M. or Chrysler product and they don't survive, they will back your warranty. Well, that's great news for consumers. Combine the efficiency of the Federal government with the honesty of car mechanics." --Jay Leno
"President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they're called now, 'the Chapter 11.'" --Jay Leno
"The first place President Obama landed was England. And British Prime Minister Gordon Brown told President Obama, 'Make yourself at home.' So Obama fired the head of Rolls Royce and Jaguar. He said, 'Get out.'" --Jay Leno
"See, I feel confident that it'll go well, because President Obama is very good with these economic leaders. He is a very good speaker, of course, and a good speech writer. See, the problem with President Bush was when he went to the summit, any time anyone said G20, he'd go, 'Bingo!'" --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for President Obama. He's making his first overseas trip. That first trip to Europe is a rite of passage. I wonder if Obama will be staying at hostels, getting a Eurorail pass, and finding passionate love in Paris. Well, I think Obama's trip will be hilarious, like the movie 'European Vacation' with Chevy Chase." --Craig Ferguson
"Now, I don't know if anybody here is a smoker. I hope you're not. But did you know tomorrow, the single-largest tobacco tax in history goes into effect? And I was listening to the radio. I had talk radio coming in this morning. A smoker was complaining, 'This is the worst news for smokers ever.' The worst news. Really? Gee, I remember worse news. It was called cancer. Wasn't it, huh? Wasn't that a little bit worse than an extra buck a pack?" --Jay Leno
"President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We're down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we're down to the last four working banks in America." --Craig Ferguson
"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson
"Hillary Clinton set up a conference call with reporters yesterday, but when they dialed the State Dept., they were accidentally connected to a phone sex line. Which is just another way of saying Bill picked up." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Taliban has decided to modernize a little bit. They're going to stop measuring the lengths of mens' beards. I'm proud of those guys. I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, I know how I could be happier: if they stopped trying to murder us." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Taliban will no longer require women to wear those burkas while in public. Spring Break! Let's see those ankles!" --Jimmy Fallon
"Here's a sign of the times are a-changin. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants." --Jay Leno
"Three different customers at a grocery store in Queens, New York, all bought peppers that turned out to have bags of cocaine stuffed inside them. Well, you thought spicy food kept you up all night." --Jay Leno
"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart." --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda:
10. His name, Mike Jenkins, now goes by Mike Bin Jenkins.
9. Runs inside for cover whenever a satellite flies overhead.
8. His chemistry tutor? Chemical Ali.
7. If he doesn't like what's for dinner, he throws a shoe at you.
6. On invitation to his birthday party, he wrote "No Kurds."
5. Hides in his room and communicates through randomly-released audiotaped messages.
4. Yearbook declares him "Most likely to defeat the American jackals in the name of Allah."
3. Asks to go to sleepaway camp in Peshawar, Pakistan.
2. Happiest day of his life: when Ayman Al Zawahiri showed up at his Bar Mitzvah.
1. Instead of Hannah Montana, he has a crush on Pooja Fallujah.
The economy is so bad:
1. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
4. Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.
5. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, AIG, Pfizer and Citigroup.
6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
9. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
10. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"
11. Motel Six won't leave the light on.
12. The Mafia is laying off judges.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished!! He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
This is bad!
You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.
You can still delete it.
You know you're gonna be sorry.
Last chance.
OK, here it is.
It says, "Hair Spray -"Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
Have a Hoppy Easter!
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. " St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good. Hey! You other blondes get over here and listen to what Easter is all about!" Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." St. Peter fainted.
My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click, send."
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
If you need a shoulder to cry on, please pull over to the side of the road.
A young man moved into a new apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,...I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home with six old ladies lying naked on the grass of the front lawn. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a garage sale.'
A Dog Named Sex, by Morty Storm
Everyone who has a dog calls him ’Rover’ or ‘Boy.’ I call mine ‘Sex.’ He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex. He said he’d like one too. Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, ”But you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid!”
When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I sad, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.”
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case please.” Then I told him that after I married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go." It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again!"
My doctor is after me to lose weight by diet and exercise. I seem to be resisting a tad. I told him I have metal fillings in my teeth so my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and I can’t lose weight. He told me to start my exercise program very gradually so today I drove past the store that sells sweatpants. Then he told me that the handle on my recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine. I told him I woke up early to go jogging this morning, but my toes outvoted me ten to one. He also doesn’t like my diet. I told him potato chips aren’t rubbery and blubbery like fat. They’re crispy and crunchy like lettuce so that proves they’re diet food. I told him the healthiest part of the doughnut is the hole – unfortunately, you have to eat past the rest of the doughnut to get there. I went for lunch at a restaurant and told the waiter I wanted to order a broiled skinless chicken breast, but I wanted him to bring me lasagna and garlic bread by mistake. The last time I got off the scale at my doctor’s office, he asked me what fits my busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?
In South Los Angeles, a fire destroyed a four-plex. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived. The fire chief replied, "They were at work."
Aphorisms:
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies and men running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.
"Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler." --Seth Meyers
"The pres is in France, where he was hailed as the black Jerry Lewis. He had a town hall meeting there, which a lot of people said was brave. Not for facing the people, but for putting himself in a room full of French people raising their hands." --Bill Maher
"He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher
"Then it was on to Germany, for Obama. The Germans offered to let him fire the CEO of Volkswagen." --Bill Maher
"Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground." --Bill Maher
"It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes." --Jimmy Fallon
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"First Lady Michelle Obama is a huge hit in England. There was a bit of controversy when she put her hand on the Queen's back. The Queen took it as a gesture of friendship, but I think Michelle went a little too far when she tried to feed Camilla a carrot." --Jay Leno
"Protesters in London tried to disrupt the G20 summit. One bank was overrun with anti-money demonstrators. And they kept shouting, 'Abolish money!' Luckily, they were beaten back by an outraged Heather Mills." --Jay Leno
"People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth." --Jay Leno
"And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno
"Do you know that over 500 administrative staff members traveled to London with the President? Not for the summit. They just want to be out of the country during tax time." --Jay Leno
"At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China." --Jay Leno
"And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot." --Jay Leno
"And according to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of suicide. Well, that'll help you fall asleep." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who's running General Motors?" --Jay Leno (What about that trip to Canada, Jay?)
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we're the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, 'Why didn't we think of this?'" --Jay Leno
"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno
"And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno
"And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno
President Obama is in London right now for a meeting with 19 other world leaders. This morning, he and the First Lady met Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. He gave her an iPod as a gift, which is perfect. Now she can listen to Lil Wayne on the treadmill without anyone bothering her." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno
"As you know, economists have been predicting the U.S. auto industry would be in big trouble. See, that's why I have so many cars. I've been stockpiling. I was smart. I knew this would happen." --Jay Leno
"President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers' money. You know what G.M. should have said? 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, President Obama guarantees that if you buy a G.M. or Chrysler product and they don't survive, they will back your warranty. Well, that's great news for consumers. Combine the efficiency of the Federal government with the honesty of car mechanics." --Jay Leno
"President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they're called now, 'the Chapter 11.'" --Jay Leno
"The first place President Obama landed was England. And British Prime Minister Gordon Brown told President Obama, 'Make yourself at home.' So Obama fired the head of Rolls Royce and Jaguar. He said, 'Get out.'" --Jay Leno
"See, I feel confident that it'll go well, because President Obama is very good with these economic leaders. He is a very good speaker, of course, and a good speech writer. See, the problem with President Bush was when he went to the summit, any time anyone said G20, he'd go, 'Bingo!'" --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for President Obama. He's making his first overseas trip. That first trip to Europe is a rite of passage. I wonder if Obama will be staying at hostels, getting a Eurorail pass, and finding passionate love in Paris. Well, I think Obama's trip will be hilarious, like the movie 'European Vacation' with Chevy Chase." --Craig Ferguson
"Now, I don't know if anybody here is a smoker. I hope you're not. But did you know tomorrow, the single-largest tobacco tax in history goes into effect? And I was listening to the radio. I had talk radio coming in this morning. A smoker was complaining, 'This is the worst news for smokers ever.' The worst news. Really? Gee, I remember worse news. It was called cancer. Wasn't it, huh? Wasn't that a little bit worse than an extra buck a pack?" --Jay Leno
"President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We're down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we're down to the last four working banks in America." --Craig Ferguson
"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson
"Hillary Clinton set up a conference call with reporters yesterday, but when they dialed the State Dept., they were accidentally connected to a phone sex line. Which is just another way of saying Bill picked up." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Taliban has decided to modernize a little bit. They're going to stop measuring the lengths of mens' beards. I'm proud of those guys. I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, I know how I could be happier: if they stopped trying to murder us." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Taliban will no longer require women to wear those burkas while in public. Spring Break! Let's see those ankles!" --Jimmy Fallon
"Here's a sign of the times are a-changin. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants." --Jay Leno
"Three different customers at a grocery store in Queens, New York, all bought peppers that turned out to have bags of cocaine stuffed inside them. Well, you thought spicy food kept you up all night." --Jay Leno
"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart." --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda:
10. His name, Mike Jenkins, now goes by Mike Bin Jenkins.
9. Runs inside for cover whenever a satellite flies overhead.
8. His chemistry tutor? Chemical Ali.
7. If he doesn't like what's for dinner, he throws a shoe at you.
6. On invitation to his birthday party, he wrote "No Kurds."
5. Hides in his room and communicates through randomly-released audiotaped messages.
4. Yearbook declares him "Most likely to defeat the American jackals in the name of Allah."
3. Asks to go to sleepaway camp in Peshawar, Pakistan.
2. Happiest day of his life: when Ayman Al Zawahiri showed up at his Bar Mitzvah.
1. Instead of Hannah Montana, he has a crush on Pooja Fallujah.
The economy is so bad:
1. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
4. Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.
5. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, AIG, Pfizer and Citigroup.
6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
9. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
10. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"
11. Motel Six won't leave the light on.
12. The Mafia is laying off judges.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished!! He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
This is bad!
You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.
You can still delete it.
You know you're gonna be sorry.
Last chance.
OK, here it is.
It says, "Hair Spray -"Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
Have a Hoppy Easter!
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. " St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good. Hey! You other blondes get over here and listen to what Easter is all about!" Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." St. Peter fainted.
My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click, send."
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
If you need a shoulder to cry on, please pull over to the side of the road.
A young man moved into a new apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,...I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home with six old ladies lying naked on the grass of the front lawn. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a garage sale.'
A Dog Named Sex, by Morty Storm
Everyone who has a dog calls him ’Rover’ or ‘Boy.’ I call mine ‘Sex.’ He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex. He said he’d like one too. Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, ”But you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid!”
When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I sad, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.”
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case please.” Then I told him that after I married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go." It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again!"
My doctor is after me to lose weight by diet and exercise. I seem to be resisting a tad. I told him I have metal fillings in my teeth so my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and I can’t lose weight. He told me to start my exercise program very gradually so today I drove past the store that sells sweatpants. Then he told me that the handle on my recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine. I told him I woke up early to go jogging this morning, but my toes outvoted me ten to one. He also doesn’t like my diet. I told him potato chips aren’t rubbery and blubbery like fat. They’re crispy and crunchy like lettuce so that proves they’re diet food. I told him the healthiest part of the doughnut is the hole – unfortunately, you have to eat past the rest of the doughnut to get there. I went for lunch at a restaurant and told the waiter I wanted to order a broiled skinless chicken breast, but I wanted him to bring me lasagna and garlic bread by mistake. The last time I got off the scale at my doctor’s office, he asked me what fits my busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?
In South Los Angeles, a fire destroyed a four-plex. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived. The fire chief replied, "They were at work."
Aphorisms:
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies and men running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Friday Funnies April 3 09
"Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke out his big plan this week to buy up all those toxic assets that the banks are holding. If you don't know what a toxic asset means, it's a piece of paper that's worthless now, but could be worth something someday, the same way Confederate money could be. Or, those old newspapers in your garage. All we have to do is find someone to buy them, preferably a moron who shits gold." --Bill Maher
"Unemployment is at record levels. Of course, no one is buying anything. Consumer spending is at a standstill. The Octomom switched to a generic brand of semen." --Bill Maher
"People are pissed off. Did you hear this? This is not a joke. Melissa Etheridge says she will not pay taxes in California until they legalize gay marriage. Let's see. A high-profile liberal who won't pay taxes. Sounds like someone who wants to be in the Obama Cabinet!" --Bill Maher
"North Korea is planning to launch what they're calling a rocket, but what the rest of the world calls a missile. And Hillary had to warn Kim Jong Il today, 'do not fire your missile.' Is it me, or is this a running theme in her life? --Bill Maher
"Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said." --Jimmy Fallon
"In an unusual move for a sitting secretary of state, Hillary Clinton was given Planned Parenthood's highest award. In her speech, she revealed her number one recommended method of birth control: Pantsuits." --Jay Leno
"Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, 'You live in this dump?'." --Jay Leno
"I want to say welcome back to Matt Lauer, our good friend from the 'Today' show. He's back at work. He got injured on Long Island riding his bicycle. He almost hit a deer. He said he was going down the road, saw the deer, and the deer froze. Said the deer had that 'Nancy Pelosi-in-the-headlights' look.'" --Jay Leno
"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here's what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They'll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno
"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff's prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don't confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno
"President Obama has made his prediction for the Final Four. He made his prediction today. The only ones left standing after next week will be Citigroup, Chase, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, on 'Sesame Street,' they won't even talk about letters 'A,' 'I,' or 'G' anymore." --Jay Leno
"Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It's weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That's odd." --Jimmy Fallon
"You can tell it's tourism season in Iraq because today an American had to duck a pair of flip-flops." --David Letterman
"But I was thinking about this. If you want to take a trip, a vacation, to some place where they've got sniper fire, dangerous streets, a lot of goat-based food, and random violence, just come to New York City." --David Letterman
"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon's asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it's a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. 'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"In Saudi Arabia, radical clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. This is really bad news for fans of the hit comedy, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Saudi Arabia is becoming even more fundamentalist. Clerics now in Saudi Arabia said they want women banned from appearing on television. They don't want women appearing, so apparently they get 'The View' over there, too." --Jay Leno
THE COUNTRY of TEXAS
In case things get a little tough during the next few months we Texans have a plan...
Maybe you don't know it, but Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union.
We Texans love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States, begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas announces that it is going to secede from the Union.
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost. So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States..
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm...
6.. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct,
Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health cent ers. The Houston Medical Center alone employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens: University of Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU,
University of Dallas, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT
(University of NorthTexas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, we are a Right to Work State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States and twenty-three of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in Texas . And Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island, and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are screwed!
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about! Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of Texas are on YOU!! One Nation Under God!!
Harley Davidson, feeling the effects of the recent downturn in the economy and thinking it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's...'
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – one could end up with a dangling participle!.
A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"
I was walking past a cemetery this morning and saw a fellow hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."
I was walking down the road when I saw a Muslim fellow standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up? Won't the damn thing start?"
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The "musical chairs" was a bit slow but, boy, the "pass the parcel" sure was quick!
A woman in labour in the delivery room was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her husband and says, "You did this to me, you sonofabitch!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, 'Like hell, it'll be too painful.'"
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, flipped her over, and came all over her face and hair. She seemed taken by surprise. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A man walks into a gas station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Something topical for the winds of April:
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
The International Council of Man Laws Ltd:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next, chubby!"
(medically, there’s no difference as both fellows end up in emerge!)
We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.
Curriculum Vitae: (joyfully forwarded by a retired friend)
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it..
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
For all you golf addicts out there:
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows . . . I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Confucius Say:
- War not determine who is right. War determine who is left.
- If you want pretty nurse you got to be patient.
- To meet girl in park is good. To park meat in girl better.
- Man with tool in woman’s mouth not necessarily dentist.
- Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
- Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack get titbit.
- Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.
- It take many nail to build crib but only one screw to fill it.
- Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honourable discharge.
- Woman who go camping must beware evil intent.
- Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
She was Soooooooo Blonde . .
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She thought General Motors was in the army.
- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
- She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- She studied for a blood test.
- She sold the car for gas money.
- When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
- She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
- She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
A gentile woman came to work as cook-housemaid in a Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were. "The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet, and they have a holiday named Yom Kippur, when they both eat and smoke in the toilet."
Everyone seems to be celebrating Passover this year of 5769.
Boston Red Sox GM, Theo Epstein, announced that the home opener will be postponed to April 14th to avoid the eight day Passover holiday. He noted the fact that three of his starters are Jewish as well as a lot of his box seat holders, made the rescheduling necessary. There have been several complaints from fans enraged at Epstein’s decision. In fact, protests are being tendered to the Commissioner of Baseball’s office. However, Bud Selig, the Commish, will not be able to address these protests, mainly due to a scheduling problem, i.e. the family seders he and his family will be attending.
Also unable to attend the originally scheduled opener:
Al Gore and Tipper will be unavailable as they will attend a seder at their son-in-law’s home.
Bill and Hillary Clinton will be attending a seder at the home of their daughter Chelsea’s steady.
Ex NYC Mayor Rudy Guiliani, who’s wife will be busy preparing their seder
And finally, the Obamas will be out of town at Michele’s cousin’s house, Rabbi Capers Funnye.
(Capers C. Funnye Jr., pronounced fun-AY; born c. 1952, is a Jewish African-American who is the head rabbi of his mostly African-American 200 membership).
"Unemployment is at record levels. Of course, no one is buying anything. Consumer spending is at a standstill. The Octomom switched to a generic brand of semen." --Bill Maher
"People are pissed off. Did you hear this? This is not a joke. Melissa Etheridge says she will not pay taxes in California until they legalize gay marriage. Let's see. A high-profile liberal who won't pay taxes. Sounds like someone who wants to be in the Obama Cabinet!" --Bill Maher
"North Korea is planning to launch what they're calling a rocket, but what the rest of the world calls a missile. And Hillary had to warn Kim Jong Il today, 'do not fire your missile.' Is it me, or is this a running theme in her life? --Bill Maher
"Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said." --Jimmy Fallon
"In an unusual move for a sitting secretary of state, Hillary Clinton was given Planned Parenthood's highest award. In her speech, she revealed her number one recommended method of birth control: Pantsuits." --Jay Leno
"Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, 'You live in this dump?'." --Jay Leno
"I want to say welcome back to Matt Lauer, our good friend from the 'Today' show. He's back at work. He got injured on Long Island riding his bicycle. He almost hit a deer. He said he was going down the road, saw the deer, and the deer froze. Said the deer had that 'Nancy Pelosi-in-the-headlights' look.'" --Jay Leno
"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here's what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They'll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno
"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff's prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don't confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno
"President Obama has made his prediction for the Final Four. He made his prediction today. The only ones left standing after next week will be Citigroup, Chase, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, on 'Sesame Street,' they won't even talk about letters 'A,' 'I,' or 'G' anymore." --Jay Leno
"Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It's weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That's odd." --Jimmy Fallon
"You can tell it's tourism season in Iraq because today an American had to duck a pair of flip-flops." --David Letterman
"But I was thinking about this. If you want to take a trip, a vacation, to some place where they've got sniper fire, dangerous streets, a lot of goat-based food, and random violence, just come to New York City." --David Letterman
"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon's asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it's a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. 'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"In Saudi Arabia, radical clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. This is really bad news for fans of the hit comedy, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Saudi Arabia is becoming even more fundamentalist. Clerics now in Saudi Arabia said they want women banned from appearing on television. They don't want women appearing, so apparently they get 'The View' over there, too." --Jay Leno
THE COUNTRY of TEXAS
In case things get a little tough during the next few months we Texans have a plan...
Maybe you don't know it, but Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union.
We Texans love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States, begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas announces that it is going to secede from the Union.
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost. So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States..
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm...
6.. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct,
Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health cent ers. The Houston Medical Center alone employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens: University of Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU,
University of Dallas, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT
(University of NorthTexas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, we are a Right to Work State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States and twenty-three of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in Texas . And Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island, and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are screwed!
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about! Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of Texas are on YOU!! One Nation Under God!!
Harley Davidson, feeling the effects of the recent downturn in the economy and thinking it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's...'
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – one could end up with a dangling participle!.
A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"
I was walking past a cemetery this morning and saw a fellow hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."
I was walking down the road when I saw a Muslim fellow standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up? Won't the damn thing start?"
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The "musical chairs" was a bit slow but, boy, the "pass the parcel" sure was quick!
A woman in labour in the delivery room was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her husband and says, "You did this to me, you sonofabitch!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, 'Like hell, it'll be too painful.'"
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, flipped her over, and came all over her face and hair. She seemed taken by surprise. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A man walks into a gas station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Something topical for the winds of April:
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
The International Council of Man Laws Ltd:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next, chubby!"
(medically, there’s no difference as both fellows end up in emerge!)
We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.
Curriculum Vitae: (joyfully forwarded by a retired friend)
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it..
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
For all you golf addicts out there:
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows . . . I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Confucius Say:
- War not determine who is right. War determine who is left.
- If you want pretty nurse you got to be patient.
- To meet girl in park is good. To park meat in girl better.
- Man with tool in woman’s mouth not necessarily dentist.
- Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
- Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack get titbit.
- Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.
- It take many nail to build crib but only one screw to fill it.
- Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honourable discharge.
- Woman who go camping must beware evil intent.
- Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
She was Soooooooo Blonde . .
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She thought General Motors was in the army.
- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
- She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- She studied for a blood test.
- She sold the car for gas money.
- When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
- She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
- She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
A gentile woman came to work as cook-housemaid in a Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were. "The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet, and they have a holiday named Yom Kippur, when they both eat and smoke in the toilet."
Everyone seems to be celebrating Passover this year of 5769.
Boston Red Sox GM, Theo Epstein, announced that the home opener will be postponed to April 14th to avoid the eight day Passover holiday. He noted the fact that three of his starters are Jewish as well as a lot of his box seat holders, made the rescheduling necessary. There have been several complaints from fans enraged at Epstein’s decision. In fact, protests are being tendered to the Commissioner of Baseball’s office. However, Bud Selig, the Commish, will not be able to address these protests, mainly due to a scheduling problem, i.e. the family seders he and his family will be attending.
Also unable to attend the originally scheduled opener:
Al Gore and Tipper will be unavailable as they will attend a seder at their son-in-law’s home.
Bill and Hillary Clinton will be attending a seder at the home of their daughter Chelsea’s steady.
Ex NYC Mayor Rudy Guiliani, who’s wife will be busy preparing their seder
And finally, the Obamas will be out of town at Michele’s cousin’s house, Rabbi Capers Funnye.
(Capers C. Funnye Jr., pronounced fun-AY; born c. 1952, is a Jewish African-American who is the head rabbi of his mostly African-American 200 membership).
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