Archive 1

Friday Funnies Archives


A collection of humour ranging from cute and clever all the way down to crude, cued, hued, nude, phewed, pooh-poohed, prude, queued, rude, skewed, sued, viewed, wooed, imbued with ‘tude, meant to exude a good mood dude without a feud (and hopefully managing to offend just about everyone) strictly for purposes of entertainment and to confirm the age-old saying,

“Laughter is the best medicine!”

There is no apology for the sometimes lewd, sick and twisted humour that follows. Enjoy it for what it is, or hit ‘DELETE’













Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French, and it’s all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it’s all organized by the Italians.

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker’s, plus eight
Is his phone number – give him a call.

A good looking woman is being chauffered about when the limousine blows a tire. The driver gets out and spends about ten minutes trying to remove the hubcap with the tire iron. The woman sticks her head out of the window and says “ you wanna screwdriver?” He says “We might as well. I can’t get this damn hubcap off!”

There was a young hooker named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.

Sammy goes to his doctor for a complete physical. He strips naked and the doctor examines him from head to toe. The last thing he does is to put a tongue depressor in his mouth and look down his throat. The doctor says “ Sammy, you’ve got flat feet.” Sammy says “Doc, do me a favour. Look up my ass and tell me if my hat is on straight!”

A winded young lass named McGill
Sat down to rest on a molehill
The resident mole
Stuck his nose in her hole
Miss McGill’s okay, but the mole’s ill.

One sweltering hot day in Minnesota, Helga had just finished cleaning the house and hanging the wash and was on her way to the butcher shop and as she passed the tavern her thirst was piqued. She walked in and said to the bartender “Ya know it’s so hot, I tink I’ll haff myself a cold beer!” He asked “Anheuser Busch?” Surprised she replied “Fine tanks and how’s your pecker?”

There once was a girl from Devries
With box hair down to her knees
It was fine to shine brass
Or for wiping her ass
And the crabs used it for a trapeze.

You know a girl is fat if she sits on a moped and you can’t hear the engine.

An old Jewish man walks into a bar in a very seedy part of town at lunchtime. He sees a very sexy barmaid behind the counter and a sign above that says: Cheese sandwich - $2, Egg sandwich - $3, Ham sandwich - $4 Hand job - $5
He asks the sexy barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She says, "Yes I am. Would you like one?"
He says, "No. Wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!"

A little girl asks her mother where babies come from. The mother tells her that the daddy puts his peepee inside the mommy, shoots some sperm and that makes babies. The girl says when I looked through your keyhole last weekend I saw daddy put his peepee in your mouth. Is that where babies come from? The mother says, No, that's where jewelry comes from!

Goldstein went to a fancy brothel in Tokyo on the recommendation of a friend. His friend said go for the works, all except the wax job. For God’s sake don’t get the wax job! Goldstein was having a great time. The geishas washed him, rubbed him and kissed him. Then a gorgeous girl starts rubbing his dick and asks him if he’d like a wax job. By this time his pecker is just throbbing so he says “Yes! Yes!” She puts a towel on the table, lays his dick on the towel and smacks it with a rubber mallet and the wax goes flying out of his ears!

Why do Italians wear gold chains around their necks? To remind them where to stop shaving!

Why do sharks never attack Jewish Mothers-in-law? Professional courtesy!

An older gent is driving down the road when he is pulled over by a policeman The cop says “Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back.” Sam says “ Thank God for that - I thought I’d gone deaf!”

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and unfortunately suffers irreparable damage to his penis. His doctor reassures him that he can help him with a penis transplant but first he must pick a new penis. The doctor opens a velvet-lined case on his desk and shows the man three models to choose from. He says, "The first is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. The second is our 10 inch super model -10 inches of muscle to please any women but this one costs $10,000. The third one is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you’ll have to pay $12,000 for it!" The man is very excited and decides his wife would love the 12 incher and he would be the envy of everyone he knows. He says,” I only have one question. Does it come in white?"

Did you hear about the two gay guys that were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

Did you know that only 22% of all men kiss their wives good bye when they leave their house versus 99% of all men that kiss their house good bye when they leave their wives.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats and the police didn't have anything to go on.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must be blue." When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her...so I switched the heads."

We are all God's children, by a previous marriage.

Monica Lewinsky will market a super premium cigar this winter. While most super premium cigars are soaked in brandy, whiskey or cognac; Monica will soak hers in cider.

There was a young woman from Great Britain
With whom I was quite smitten
She was sugar and spice and everything nice,
and when I stroked her, she purred like a kitten.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show.

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great! " responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout those Leafs?"

Some Funnies
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

The Reason For Divorce
The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the mother-fucker upside the head...
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful. He says, "Hire a strong good-looking man to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm." The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places. "Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions. Naturally, the woman has a divine orgasm. The husband leans over to the guy and says, "You see!! That's how you wave the towel!"

Three Eastern European Jewish men named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US. Berel says "when I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck." Cherel says "when I move to America, I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck." Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving".

Don't think he got very far!!!
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to The Bay and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??" Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence. The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??" Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada." The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk. Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.

Anagrams
Dormitory Dirty Room Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
Astronomer Moon Starer
Princess Diana End Is A Car Spin
AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART
Year Two Thousand A Year To Shut Down

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...………………… Some things you just can't explain.

Real Newspaper Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating ails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."


POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO TALK OF WOMEN
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORIALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Q: What Do You Call An Irish Homo? A: A Gay-Lick.

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews 1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. 10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 12. A room temperature IQ. 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 16. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 17. Bright as Alaska in December. 18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 20. Fell out of the family tree. 21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it. 23. He's so dense, light bends around him. 24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. 32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for hours.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
The German says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Moishe and Shmuel had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Moishe invited Shmuel to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "You're coming empty-handed?"
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top Hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll become seriously swollen. "Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh, my God", said the queen, "what's happening in there? "The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan"
A woman who was a big Beatles fan went to a tattoo parlor to have John Lennon and Paul McCartney inked on the inside of each of her thighs. When the artist finished she became very angry because she felt that neither tattoo was a good likeness. The artist said, "calm down and let's get a second opinion." He went out in front of his parlor and grabbed the first man that was staggering by. He said, "Please mister, I need you to come inside for an opinion on a job I've done." He led the man into the room where the lady was all laid back in her chair. He asked, "do those tattoo's look like Paul McCartney or John Lennon to you?" The man replied, " Mister, I don’t know about the one on the right or the left, but the one in the middle with the beard and the bad breath, that's definitely Willie Nelson!"

Do you remember what life was like before computers, when.........An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano!Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank accountAnd if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppyYou hoped nobody found out!Compress was something you did to garbageNot something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in publicYou'd be in jail for awhile!Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the roadA mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode!Cut - you did with a pocket-knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flu!I guess I'll stick to my pad and paperAnd the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashBut when it happens they wish they were dead!Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After twelve months the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist? A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q: What is graffiti on the wall in the ladies room called? A: "Squatters' Writes"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator car. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly," It looks like cum." The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims "Yes, and it smells like cum. "The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, it's nobody from our building."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references … no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress … no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a hillbilly kid, are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid and whips his own out. His penis is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, while eating dinner at home, the hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis.'" "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney, and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're 23!"
A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things. A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Q: What do you get if you cross an Apple with a Nun? A: A computer that will never go down on you!

Margaret went to her new gynecologist for her first exam. The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!" She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. You didn't have to repeat yourself." The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North.” "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. – J. Johansen

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. --Conan O'Brien

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. --Christopher Case

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. - Johnathan Katz

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' --Richard Jeni
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. - Jack Mayberry

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. --Dennis Miller

I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. --Kevin Meaney

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! - Bobcat Goldthwait

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. - John Hiatt

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' --Paula Poundstone

Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. --Dennis Miller

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? --Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Two Dutch nuns are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two nuns a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

Two old ladies were rocking on the front porch, talking about their dead husbands. One said to the other, "Did you have mutual orgasms?" The other thought for awhile and said, "No...I think we had State Farm."

The Importance of Correct Punctuation
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
A real friend isn't someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.
Advice is worth what you paid for it.
Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
All men are animals, some just make better pets
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest - Mark Twain
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
And on the 8th day, God sobered up.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out - Chekhov.
Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.
Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
As far as I'm concerned, all phone calls are obscene.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Axe me about Ebonics
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime - Balzac
Blithering Genius
Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.
Caution - I was not hired for my disposition.
Caution: Contents under pressure.
Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory
Death or compliance - now that's not too much to ask for, is it?
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Department of Redundancy Department
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.
Dole for Pineapple.
Don't be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.
Don't believe everything you're told.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They're carrying.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
Don't take life seriously -- it isn't permanent.
Don't try to engage my enthusiasm--I haven't got one.
Don't try to outweird me--I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Don't you look at me in that tone of voice.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Earth is full. Go home.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Either I've been missing something, or nothing has been going on.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forms follow function. And often obliterates it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Go on and try it. The worst you can do itsmake a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.
Go, and never darken my towels again - Groucho Marx
Gone crazy, be back shortly.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil - Machiavelli
Have an adequate day.
Have whatever kind of day you want.
He has a room temperature IQ.
He has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heart attacks...god's revenge for eating his animal friends
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.
How about never? Is never good for you?
How can there be incompetence in the world? They don't teach it in schools.
How do I know you're not one of them?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...
Humpty Dumpty was pushed
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am glad the Old Masters are all dead. I only wish they had died sooner - Mark Twain
I am not a monotheist -- the world looks as though it were designed by a committee.
I am the Imp of the Perverse - Knowing this won't help you, either.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I can see through your clothes
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I could say something brilliant at any moment!
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have burnout, but I'm slightly singed.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't like where this syllogism is going.
I don't need you, you know--I can be lonely all by myself.
I don't need your attitude, I have my own.
I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I don't work here; I'm a consultant.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes
I have no intention of telling you my real name
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I have the body of a god .... Buddha
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I know it all, I just can't remember it simultaneously.
I like the way your mind malfunctions.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I love mankind--It's people I can't stand.
I never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it's hell.
I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I prefer to remain anomalous.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I souport publik edekasion
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I think - therefore I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh
I think my brain has a mind of its own.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I tried being reasonable once--I didn't like it.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I was born weird -- this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I'm not depressed, I'm existentially challenged.
I'm not obnoxious, I'm verbally challenging.
I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining.
I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.
I'm not tense -- just terribly alert.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I'm passing directly from barbarism to decadence...
I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If all else fails, read the directions.
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice week.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it doesn't feel good - don't do it twice.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
If the music's too loud, you're too old
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If we quit voting will they all go away?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big.
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing a seat belt.
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
Illiterate? Write for help
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Is it time for your medication or mine?
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
It's a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn't understand.
It's been lovely but I have to scream now
It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
It's hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not who wins or loses, it's who keeps score.
It's ok to do the right thing as long as you don't get caught.

Little known facts…
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon movies where both parents are present and don't die during the movie.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4.
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
Coca-cola was originally green.
Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.
In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
More women Wash their hands in the bathroom than men. Women: 80%, Men: 55%
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
No president of the United States was an only child.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Only 14 percent of Americans say they've gone skinny dipping with the opposite sex.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Polar bears are left handed.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever. Dumbest dog: Afghan.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
In his/her lifetime, the average person accidentally eats 8 spiders at night.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, making the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z.
The name of all of the continents end with the same letter that they start with. (That's if you don't use North and South for America.)
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
What separates 60 Minutes from every other TV show? No theme song/music.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
After a marathon threesome sex session, the man relaxed contentedly and asked, "Was it good for you two?"

A cowboy had been caught by some Indians and was about to be executed when they asked him for any last request. So he walked over to his horse and whispered something in its ear. The horse took off madly over the hills and then came right back with a beautiful naked blonde on its back. The cowboy took the blonde to a teepee and had sex. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, amazed, agreed again. So the cowboy walked over to the horse and whispered in his ear again. The horse took off and then came back with a beautiful naked redhead. He takes her into another teepee and has sex with her. He comes out and once more asked to talk to his horse. The Indians once more agreed. So he walked over to the horse and whispered something else into its ear. The horse took off and then came right back with a beautiful naked brunette on its back. The cowboy took the brunette to a teepee and had sex. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, totally amazed by this point, agreed again. So the cowboy walks over to the horse and says, "I'm only going to say this once more, now read my lips, “posse”!

There once was a man named Mort,
Whose dick was incredibly short,
When he climbed into bed, his lady friend said,
"That's not a dick it's a wart"

Q. What is the best birth control method for really old seniors? A. NUDITY
Q. Why are elderly men like bumper stickers? A. They are both hard to get off!
Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party: "I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here."
Women fake orgasms, men fake foreplay.
Then there’s the Newfie who wanted to know why good looking blondes dye their roots black?

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

God didn't go into the religion business until He was sure that He could make a prophet!

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves. The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion." "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonder Bread account!"

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?", she asks. "I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

In the Highlands of Scotland, Angus's wife went into labour in the middle of the night. The local doctor came for the delivery, and, since there was no electricity, he handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Angus, hold the licht so I can see what I'm daein’”. Soon a baby boy was delivered. As Angus was heading away the doctor said, "Angus, Angus, bring the licht, there's another y’en comin’." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. Again the doctor says, “Angus, Angus, bring the licht, there's another y’en comin’!" Angus replied “No! I’ll no bring the licht. I think it’s the licht that’s attractin' them?"

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those FUCKING lessons I took this winter didn't help" One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" The wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, it’s OK for you. You don’t have to get up in the morning."

A fellow stops off at a road side fruit stand to pick up some apples. He sees signs for MacIntosh at$1.00 per pound, Cortland at $2.00 per pound, Empire at $3.00 per pound and two piles marked “Special”, one at $6.00 per pound and another at $10.00 per pound. He asks the farmer why the Special apples are so expensive. The farmer picks up an apple from the $6.00 pile and hands it to the fellow and tells him to taste it and see if he can recognise the taste of orange on one side of the apple and the taste of plum on the other side. The fellow takes a bite and says, ”Wow! That tastes just like an orange!” The farmer says, “Turn it around! Turn it around!” He takes a bite on the other side of the apple and says, ”That tastes just like a plum! That is truly amazing, but why are the other special apples $10.00 per pound?” The farmer says, “Well, them there apples are even more special. They taste like pussy! Here, try one!” The fellow takes a great big bite and then spits it out. He says, ”That tastes like shit!” The farmer replies, “Turn it around! Turn it around!”

JEWISH ICE CREAM
It seems that Ben & Jerry Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:
Wailing Walnut Moishmellow Mazel Toffee Chazalnut Oy Ge-malt Mi Ka-mocha Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint Berry Pr'i Hagafen Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally Simchas T'oreo
It should also be noted that all these flavors come on a Cohen.

This was in the Washington Post..."Best Comeback Line Ever."
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m.Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?

Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Here's hoping your day is better than any of these.

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel ad the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards put a mezuzah on each gate?"
A merger of two major wine manufacturers has been announced. Manischewitz Wine Company is merging with The Christian Brothers Wine Company. The new brand of wine will be labeled "Manishegetz."
Murray Goldberg a 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" Goldberg responds, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" Goldberg says, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" Goldberg responds again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" Goldberg says, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" Murray looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Actual Accident Summaries - The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.-Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.-I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.-The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.-I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.-The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.-I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.-The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.-I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.-I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.-As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.-My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.-An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.-I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.-The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
From the depths of the crypt at St Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles,
Said the vicar, "Good gracious "Has Father Ignatius,
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother..………………………………… Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ............... Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes........... Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ....... Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.... Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia........ U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.......... Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............. Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.................... Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.......... Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt............. Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...................... Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ............. Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle.......................... Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst........................ E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.............. Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.................... Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ..... Winnie Bay Gogh

Q: Why are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet paper? A: Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off anytime!

THE BEST CONGRESS MONEY CAN BUY...
Based on records prior to the summer break, 29 members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 9 have been accused of writing bad checks, 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses, 3 have been arrested for assault, 71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are current defendants in lawsuits, and in 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind...I can't remember ANYTHING over five minutes!" The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way." "Just one?", Abdul asked. "And which way is that?" "Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--" "Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"

"Is a clergyman rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?"

There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the three million dollars you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my three million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So, using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head. Screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!" "Okay, okay" the accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old tool shed in my back yard" he signs back. "What did he say?" demands the crime boss. The attorney replies, He says that "A spineless wimp like you doesn't have the GUTS to pull the trigger."

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced, "A typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him form all around and many exclamations of, "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he return to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, "Ten pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly said, "Had him circumcised."

I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about: There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.

State mottos There's something here for everyone!
Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and Neo Nazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Why what?

A very caring mother had three daughters. At their weddings she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day, the letter arrived with a single message " MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE" the mother got confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee Ad which says "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP". With this coded message Mother was happy. Then second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply.The message read "ROTHMANS" So the mother looked for the ad of Rothmans which said "LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE" The mother was happy again. Then it was the wedding of the third daughter.The mother was very anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through.The message was simply " BRITISH AIRWAYS " Mother was so concerned, she frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for the BA ad but in vain. At last she decided to visit a BA office. She found the ad, read it and fainted. It read, "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"


All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists and yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. 19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!"

There once was a man from Bombay
Who made a puss out of clay
He stuck in his dick,
The thing turned to brick
And rubbed his foreskin away

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Sir Winston Churchill

The definition of "making love” - Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Jack and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Jack would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane, " And every year Martha would say, "I know Jack, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars. One year Jack and Martha went to the fair and Jack said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Jack that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Jack and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Jack, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Jack replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but, ten dollars is ten dollars."

Hungry Honey? A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied him to the heater.
Every time he'd lift his leg,
He'd burn his little peter.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face! "You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"

Comebacks
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."
Man: "If this seat is taken, maybe you want sit on my face?" Woman: "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?"
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "May I have the last dance?" Woman: "You've just had it."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"
Man: "Hey baby! That dress looks gorgeous on you! But, it would look even better laying on my bedroom floor." Woman: "You're right, but the only way it'll get there is if you buy another one just like it and throw it there yourself!"
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Older man: "Where have you been all my life?" Woman: "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?" Woman: "Chloroform"
Man: "Wanna dance?" Woman: "Life's too short to dance with ugly guys."
(after being pestered by a guy who just won't take a hint...) Woman: "Listen, unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!" Woman: "I wouldn't sleep with you if your were the last man on earth and I had run out of batteries."
Man: I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make you think of sex. Woman: Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet, which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight Attendant and have you removed from this plane. He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he says.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered."Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

A busty young thang was trying on an extremely low-cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut. "Do you have hair on your chest?" "No -- certainly NOT!!!" "Then it's too low cut."

Did you know racecar spelled backwards is racecar? Who says NASCAR isn't educational???
Men do care about more things than your body. They also care about other women's bodies.
I haven't spoken to my wife in a week. I don't like to interrupt her.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it, we're closed.

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

"101 Things One Should Never Say During Sex"
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
3. Do you smell something burning?
4. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
5. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I > learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
24. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
25. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
26. Got any penicillin?
27. But I just brushed my teeth...
28. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
29. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
30. I want a baby!
31. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
32. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
33. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
34. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
35. I think you have it on backwards.
36. When is this supposed to feel good?
37. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
38. You're good enough to do this for a living!
39. Is that blood on the headboard?
40. Did I remember to take my pill?
41. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
42. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like..Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin, too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.... "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser...... His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ....."Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club....Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says,..... "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

There Once Was A Girl From Sri Lanka
Whose Puss Was As Big As A Tanker
You Could Go For A Swim In The Depths Of Her Quim
And You Needed A Lamppost To Wank Her

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute

A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A little old lady went into the office of the president of the Royal Bank carrying a large bag of money. She said she wanted to open an account in his bank, but she must speak with the president because it was a lot of money. The staff took her in before the president and he asked her how much money she had to deposit. She replied $500,000 and promptly laid out two huge stacks of bills on his desk. He said, “That’s a lot of cash to carry around, where on earth did you get it from?” She said, “I make bets.” He said, “What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50,000 that your balls are square. ”Ha!” he said, ”That’s stupid. You could never win that kind of bet.” The old lady said, “So you wouldn’t take my bet?” “Sure,” he said, “I’ll bet $50,000 that my balls are not square!” She said “Okay, but since it is a lot of money, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "”Sure“ replied the confident president.
Next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. After they were introduced, the old lady said, “Let’s get on with the business at hand, so to speak. Does our bet still stand?” After a quick feel in his pants, the president said, “Absolutely!” She said then could you please drop your pants. The president complied. The little old lady looked closely and said, “They look round but, for this kind of money, I think I better feel them.” “Well, OK” said the president and the old lady grasped them in her right hand. The lawyer started banging his head against the wall and the president asked the old lady what was the matter with him. “Nothing” she said, “except that I had bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am I would have the president of The Royal Bank’s balls in my hand!”

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour." The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for two hours." The others say, "two hours? How did you make her scream for two hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my dick on the drapes.”


. .
Itty bitty titties
()()
Little breasts
(.)(.)
Nice breasts
(o)(o)
Perfect breasts
(D)(D)
Bullets
(O)(O)
Handful breasts
(~0~)(~0~)
Stretch mark breasts
\o/.\o/
Grandma's breasts
[o][o]
Breasts during a mammogram
* ^ *
Flat chest
(+0(+0)
Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*)
High nipple breasts
(@)(@)
Big nipple breasts
oo
A cups
{O}{O}
D cups
(^)(^)
Cold breasts
(<)(<) Perky breasts (o)(O) Lopsided breasts (Q)(O) Pierced breasts (p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts (-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts lollol Android breasts ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts (ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!) (O)A(O) Tit fucked breasts In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin. There was a lonely, horny guy riding through the desert on his camel. Feeling the need to have sex, the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and carried on his way. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big-chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?" There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard." Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A STOOL SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and yells, "He needs your underwear!" A Mr. Jones is checking out of a hotel, when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones... All is forgiven. Just tell us.….. Where is it?" Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!" SHE WAS ONLY THE… PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench. STABLEMAN'S daughter but all of the horsemen knew her. HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays. BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami! GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva! STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS! TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable. FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats! FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks! SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock! FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul. ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections. COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own. MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps. ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line. BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off. ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles. FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled. MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor. Joe and Frank noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box in the office with some cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Groundhog Day and Sir John A. MacDonald’s Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it." Cat language Miaow-Feed me. Meeow-Pet me. Mrooww-I love you. Miioo-oo-oo-I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up. Mrow-I feel like making noise. Rrrow-mawww-Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box Rrrow-miawww-I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical. Miaowmiaow-Play with me. Miaowmioaw-Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room? Mioawmioaw-Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture Raowwwww-I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. Mrowwwww-I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet. Roww-maww-roww-I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. Gakk-ak-ak-My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. Mow-Snuggling is a good idea. Moww-Shedding is pretty good too Mowww!-I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly. Miaow! Miaow!-I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate. Mraakk!-Oh, small bird! Please come over here. SsssRoww!-I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal. Mmmrowmmm-It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself. Mmmmmmm-If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied. Mreoaw-Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish. Mreeeow-Do you serve catnip with that? Mroow-I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing? Miaooww! Mriaow!-Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue. Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out. 1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between. 2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9. 3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together. 4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it. 5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on...6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter. 7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal. 8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color. 9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark. The Classification of Shit – Ghost Shit-You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. Teflon Coated Shit -Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it! Gooey Shit-This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit-You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit -This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Bali Belly Shit-You shit so much you lose 5 kilos. Right Now Shit-You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. King Kong or Commode Choker Shit-This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. Wet Cheeks Shit-This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet. Wish Shit-You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit! Cement Block or Oh God Shit-You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit. Snake Shit-This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)-Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)-You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning. Beer Drunk Shit-This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house. The Frightened Turtle-The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in The Bungee Shit-The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water. The Ring of Fire Shit-The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. The Crippler-The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Big Bobber-The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface. The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang-The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Incredible Hulk Shit-The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size. The Jack the Ripper Shit-The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out. The Party Pooper-The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. The Toxic Gas Shit-The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town. Dirty Bowl Shit-The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl. The Windy City Shit-When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit. Oh Shit! Shit-You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! The Never Ending Shit-It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C. A Chinese Primer Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man - Dum Gai Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!! Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone - No Pah King Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai RUDE HUMOUR Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A. A police horse. Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A. A private tutor. Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A. Homeless. Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs? A. An elephant with diarrhea. Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A. Her lipstick Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world? A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A. Even the pool table has no balls. Q. Why did God create woman? A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A. Phone her. Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care. Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark. Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem. Q. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? A. Nothing, she's been told twice already. Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A. Made her chain too long Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry her! Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. How is a woman like a condom? A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house. Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A. She knows she's given her last blow job. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks. This was an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 out of 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of crashes were, "Oh, Shit !" Only the state of North Carolina was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey, Y'all, hold my beer and watch this !" The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly.' Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two." The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now. To be read with 'attitude' 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a stupid people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 8. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 9. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 11. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 12. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 13. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 15. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 16. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 17. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 19. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 20. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 21. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 22. I plead contemporary insanity. 23. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 24. Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? Recipe for Holy Water – Start with regular water and boil the hell out of it! Reports just in from Japan on its ailing financial market: The Origami Bank just folded, The Sumo Bank went belly up, The Karate Bank gave half of their employees the chop, something is fishy at The Sushi Bank where their staff got a raw deal, The Karaoke Bank went for a song, shares in the Kamakazi Bank took a nosedive and The Bonsai Bank has cut many of its branches. A fellow was in a car accident recently. When the police arrived he explained "I was getting a blow-job from my girlfriend (cause wives don't do that stuff) and just at the critical point in time is when the accident happened.... I guess she shouldn't have been driving" When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a Q-Tip Brand rectal thermometer. Be very sure that you get only this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into some very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that “every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested”. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale. In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebonics: English: "He walks slowly" Hebonics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks." English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?" English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!" English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like? English: "Anything can happen." Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse" English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?" English: "It's been so long since you've called." Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" English: "Let's not go skiing" Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you? Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. · It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). · It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). · It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). · It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations... Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" - Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." - Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" - Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." - Aggression "FUCK YOU!" - Disgust "Fuck me." - Confusion "What the fuck.......?" - Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" - Despair "Fucked again..." - Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." - Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" - Lost "Where the fuck are we." –Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" - Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" - Denial "I didn't fucking do it." - Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." - Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" - Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" - Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" - Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." - Directions "Fuck off." - Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Mother-fucker." It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history... "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle "What fucking map?" - "Challenger," Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" – Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" – Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" – Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary “I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." – Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they couldn't eat any more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... “I just love baskin’ robins.” The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. An ad in the Jewish Personals Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58. An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi", he says when he sees him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?" "Yes, I do," says the rabbi. "Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent. "Yes, he is, "says the rabbi. "Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent. "I can assure you that he will!" says the rabbi. An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia." "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?" asked the American. "A check." One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, one girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandmother and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry." Some definitions An ADULT... is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat, which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A LAWYER is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Yo Mama So Fat.......when she dances she makes the band skip.....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.....she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.....her butt has its own congressman.....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts.....her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.....her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.....all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.....when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.....she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.....they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.....her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"....she has to iron her pants on the driveway.....she's on BOTH sides of the family.....when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.....she could sell shade.....when she crosses the street, cars look out for HER.....people jog around her for exercise.....she gets runs in her jeans.....her blood type is Ragu.....when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.....if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it !....she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.....when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.....she can't even jump to a conclusion.....she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.....her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.....she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas. A lady was lost in her car in a bad snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and follow it. Pretty soon a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snowplow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Walmart lot, now you can follow me over to the K- mart." Jan19/00 Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist. Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and space-shuttles, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken." TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street. 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN 1. You can have a woman president without electing her. 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be president. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You get to be really obese. 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. 10a. When you're not. 10b. At all. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah. 2. Proper beer. 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events 5. Union jack underpants. 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer. 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not. 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh. 10a. Or Scottish TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns. 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside. 6. Political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. Live near the Pope. 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH 1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes. 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees. 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc. 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans. 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing. 6. Honesty 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls. 8. You get to eat bulls' testicles. 9. Gibraltar. 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN 1. Chicken Madras 2. Lamb Passanda 3. Onion Bhaji 4. Bombay Potato 5. Chicken Tikka Masala 6. Rogan Josh 7. Popadoms 8. Chicken Dopiaza 9. Meat Boona 10. Kingfisher lager TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you ? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH 1. Guinness. 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives. 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road. 4. Pubs never close. 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before. 7. Kill people you don't agree with. 8. Stew. 9. More Guinness. 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN 1. It beats being an American. 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins. 9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme. 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. 2. Fosters Lager 3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you. 4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV. 5. Tact and sensitivity. 6. Bondi Beach. 7. Other beaches. 8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals. 9. Drinking cold lager on the beach 10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach. Buzz Aldrin, the second man ever to walk on the moon, is seventy years old today! Happy Birthday Buzz! I said HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUZZ!! Of course, just like a lot of other old astronauts, Buzz has gone back to eating powdered food and making in his pants. A man mowing his front yard saw this attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of her house several times go straight to her mailbox, open it, look inside, slam it shut, and storm back into her house. After the fifth time, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!" A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose. While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe. Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?" To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet!" A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would like the traditional service instead." A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO (health maintenance organization) have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their lives. The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of poor people." Saint Peter says, "That's great. Go ahead into heaven. And what about you, nurse?" The nurse says, "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult." Saint Peter replies, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?" The HMO director says, "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country." Saint Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go in ... but you can only stay two nights!" *Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow. One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough and finally found him in the New York Public Library sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him - the Bible and The Origin of Species by Darwin. When asked what he was doing the ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." A fellow parks his Mercedes right in front of a store and goes in to look around. Ignoring the blonde salesgirl, he browses his way into the back room. When he comes out the blonde tells him that she just saw a man drive off with his Mercedes.“Did you try to stop him?" he asked frantically. She said, "No, but I got the license plate number!" I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. This student got the only A. Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb." Now spell "stupid." Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid." Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'" Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good." A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he doesn't succeed. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." "What's the cure, doctor?" asks the man. "We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor. The man thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and the man stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on. Not hearing anything on other end of the line, the man repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!" At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling." Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader KEEP READING... Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader: Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment. Regards, Project Leader A girl goes to the barber with her dad, sits down in a barber chair next to him and proceeds to eat a Twinkie. The barber cutting her dads hair looks over and says to the little girl. "Honey you're getting hair all over your Twinkie". The little girl says, "Yeah I know, I'm getting boobs too." A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man." Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of man are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?" JEWISH JEOPARDY A: Midrash Q: What is a Middle East skin disease? A: The Gaza Strip Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance? A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater? A: Sofer Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover? A: Babylon Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons? A: Kishka, sukkah, and cicumcision Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut? And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the internet. The service is to be called "E-MOIL” Corporate Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Corporate Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Corporate Lesson Number Three: Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard. A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breathe, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would try to pass them.Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.You can't have everything, where would you put it?Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75%of the world's population.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ORGASM TYPES how many of these have you experienced? Sex in a boat = Oargasms. Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms. Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms. Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms. Sex at the supermarket = Storegasm.s Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms. Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms. Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms. Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms. Sex with an accountant = Boregasms. Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms. Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms. Sex while broke = Poorgasms. Sex with a lion = Roargasms. Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms. Sex on a golf course = Foregasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms. Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms. Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms. Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms. Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms. Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms. Sex on the beach = Shoregasms. Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms. Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms. Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms. Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms. Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms. Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms. Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms. Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms Sex in an xx theater = Hardcoregasms. Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms. Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms. Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms. Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms. Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms. Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms. Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms. Sex while flying = Soargasms. Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms. Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms. Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms. Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms. Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms. Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms. Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms. Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms. Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms. Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms. Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms. Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms. Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms. Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms. Sex without a climax = Nogasms. Jokes for women, as opposed to jokes about women. Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions. Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A Widow. Q: How did Pinocchio find out his penis was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire. Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: What did God say after creating Adam? A: I must be able to do better than that. Q: What did God say after creating Eve? A: "Practice makes perfect." Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They are married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!! Sincerely, XXX Dear XXX: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" – According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNNE: An engagement ring. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some? Your baby has a certain object to which he loves to cling. Should you try to break him of his habit? JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn. Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I just let her sleep. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons." What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York abode? There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included: Perjurers' Palace, HillBilly Villa, The House of Bill's Repute, Drawers Downs, Cheatem Estates, Sin Simeon, The Knee Pad, The White Trash House, The Blight House, The Panderosa Liars' Lair, Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast, The Clinton Compost, Dogpatch on the Hudson, The Hen House, The Out House, The Love Shack, The House of Seven Felonies, Motel Sex. But the clear, hands-down winner was... DISGRACELAND Man is like an automobile As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen...start your engines!! The Quicker Pecker Upper - An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes." An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man not to be outdone strains really hard but to no avail. He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits in the bed. The wife asks "What in the hell was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides." A few Kosher symbols you may have overlooked... K.O. -- Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation DANNY K -- Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians K SERA SERA -- Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism. K MART -- Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to discount their normal fees and make money through volume. YUD K, VOV K -- Under Divine Supervision I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY -- Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association. Rosh Hashanna was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to. Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00" So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00. He storms at Mr. Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?" "I did, " said Mr. Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all ' the knots out of the fringes!" Q: What do you call an 18 story condo in Tel Aviv? A: A Chai Rise. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in Canada......do banks leave the vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. You know you're from Canada when ... 1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3. The mosquitoes have landing lights. 4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. 6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. 8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. 16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 17. You head south to go to your cottage. 18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. 19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making. 21. You find -40C a little chilly. 22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deepfreeze. 23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels. 24. You can play road hockey on skates. 25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. 26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. 28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada". 29. You loved this joke and forwarded it to your Canadian friends. 30. Recipients all understood!!! A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”A husband and wife are in bed. The husband asks for sex. The wife says 'no.' Her husband asks, "Is this your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help-line which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I know why they record these conversations!) "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "What sort of trouble? "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing? "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator? "What's a monitor? "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? "I don't know. "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? "Yes, I think so. "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? "No. "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark. "Dark? "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "Well, turn on the office light then. "I can't. "No? Why not? "Because there's a power failure." "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?? "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. "Really? Is it that bad? "Yes, I'm afraid it is. "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer” One day, Bill Gates dies. At the Pearly Gates, he walks up to St. Peter and St. Peter says, "Well, you've done so much in your lifetime, I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell." Bill says, "Well, can I see them first?" St. Peter says, "Sure! I will first show you Hell." They arrive at Hell and it is a beautiful meadow with flowers and deer and other animals blissfully running around. "Now to Heaven!", says St. Peter. As they stand in Heaven, it is merely a bright light. Bill Gates says, "Well, if that's your version of Heaven and Hell, than I choose Hell." Instantly, Bill Gates is chained to a red hot piece of brimstone. Bill says to St. Peter, "This isn't the version of Hell you showed me!" St. Peter replies, "That was just a demo." It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!" A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein." A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a bleach blonde have in common? A: They both have black boxes. The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the car and thought it was a Porsche Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick." How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends. Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip. What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. What three two-letter words denote "small"? "Is it in?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. If you are having sex with one woman and another walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, usually. God showed up on the day Adam and Eve had sex for the first time. God found Adam laying down relaxing, but could not see Eve. God asked Adam, "How did you like sex?" Adam replied, "It was fantastic and I want to do it again." God inquired, "I'm glad, but where is Eve so I can ask her what she thought about sex?" Adam told him she was down at the creek getting cleaned up. God replied, "Great!!!! Now I will never get the smell out of those fish!" Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours." TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman Two American men and one American woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman. One month later on these absolutely stunning, deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. Children's Property Laws: 1. If I like it, it's mine 2. If It's in my hand, it's mine 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If It looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. 9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine. 10. If I ... Wait a sec .. This isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan. A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After arriving safely, the copilot asked the pilot how the sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that they had to be in the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."... The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then: Chastity belts require a password rather than a key. Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay. Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta." The "Good Plague" hoax. Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again. The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone. Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs. Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut. Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie. Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI and ... Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then... The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret 1. Does this come in children's sizes? 2. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.. 3. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 4. Mom will love this. 5. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 6. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. 7. Will you model this for me??? 8. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 9. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that. And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 10. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?" At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!" Mike Tyson is in bed with a girl, and he says, "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a rough childhood, I was thrown in jail for rape, my wife left me for beating her up, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life, and Don King stole all my money. Nothing could make my life any worse." The girl says, "I can say some thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson." A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot." This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!" 1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 20. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the small town where they first met. Inside the cafe they used to frequent, the man said to the woman, "Remember the field where we first made love? I propped you up against the fence." She nodded her head yes. "Why don't we go there and do it again for old times sake?" Giggling she agreed. Not noticing but a police officer was in the next booth and heard the conversation. He thought he'd better follow them and make sure no one disturbed them. The couple got to the field, took off their clothes and the man placed the woman against the fence. From the bushes the policeman watched as they gyrated all over the fence. He watched as they did things he never even thought of doing. After five minutes they stopped, fell to the ground and slowly got up and dressed themselves. As they approached the bushes the policeman stepped out and said, "I just followed you to make sure no one bothered you. That was the most wonderful love making I've ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," replied the old man. "When we were young that fence wasn't electric." A bald man a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of molasses. Pour it over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!" The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. "ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit. WOMAN'S PRAYER Dear Lord... So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen. Sam and Abe, now in their 80's, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day Sam calls Abe and says "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard.....$1,000." Abe replies "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you.... Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard...$1,000...YES OR NO?" Abe says, OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?Sam answers "11 years." Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit... This item was forwarded by a friend and it struck a chord. One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quick quiz. Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Your children; Your loved ones; Your education; Your dreams; A worthy cause; Teaching or mentoring others; Doing things that you love; Time for yourself; Your health; Your significant other. Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. If you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you'll fill your life with little things you worry about that don't really matter, and you'll never have the real quality time you need to spend on the big, important stuff (the big rocks).So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in your jar first. (Then there was another version of this where a student poured beer in instead of water. His moral – there’s always room for beer!) TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet". This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. 4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer. 9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" 11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. 12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. 13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is the Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. 14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 15. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." It was 3 o'clock in the morning. The receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old Jewish lady came running toward her, screaming. "Please come quickly! I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and saw a man with no shirt on moving around in his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked? You can only see him from the waist up." "The dresser, the dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!" Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters." University Humour Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Western? A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men. Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster? A. With a restraining order. A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and destroyed the entire town: $10 worth of damage was reported. Q. Why is it so windy in Kingston? A. Because Queen's blows. Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Laurier campus? A. An undergraduate degree. Q. What's the first thing a York girl does when she wakes up in the morning? A. Walks home. Q. How can you tell if a McMaster student is a heterosexual? A. He can outrun his roommate! Q. What does a U of T student call a Waterloo student after graduation? A. Boss. Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph? A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away. Q. Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down? A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet. Q. Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles? A. So they can park in handicap spaces. Q. How do you get a Western grad off your front porch? A. Pay him for the pizza. Q. Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most? A. Immigration. Remember... friends don't let friends go to U of T... If you can walk and talk, you can go to Brock. If you can use a fork, you can go to York. If you are a conceited, arrogant bastard, you can go to Ryerson. There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?" A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms. Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh? Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks, "Sweetheart, how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Billy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!" Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?" "67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!" Q: Why do Canadians prefer to have sex doggy-style? A: So that BOTH of them can watch the hockey game on TV! Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked how much is 2x3? I said 6." "But that's right!" "Then she asked me how much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers: "All right, little Johnny what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob". Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Yu're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'" THE SOUTHERN WAY Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, 'denigrate' means 'put down.' " -- Bob Newhart Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth. Best bar pickup line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. Researchers have decided that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia because if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush. Do you realise that nine months to the day after spaceships and alien beings were reported to have landed at Roswell, New Mexico – Al Gore was born. Co-incidence? I think not! FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15 SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. ENGLISH IS DIFFICULT The bandage was wound around the wound.The farm was used to produce produce.The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuseWe must polish the Polish furniture.He could lead if he would get the lead out.The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.I did not object to the object.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.They were too close to the door to close it.The buck does funny things when the does are present.A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.The wind was too strong to wind the sail.After a number of injections my jaw got number.Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? SHE WAS SO BLONDE... ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate". ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK". ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ...she sat on the TV and watched the couch. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she tried to drown a fish. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics". ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius". ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. ...she studied for a blood test ...and failed. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. ...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. ...she sold the car for gas money. ...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. Q: Why were there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics contest? A: Because no one wanted to wear the sash that said I-DA-HO!!! Steven Wright classic lines: - I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. - What's another word for -thesaurus?- - When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually. - I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!- - I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. - I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.- - I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. - I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. - I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. - I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.- - I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. - I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better. - I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. - I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. - Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. - It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature. - If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. - You can't have everything... where would you put it? - Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. - I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.- - I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.- - While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?- - I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious. - On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. - I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.- - One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.- - The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?- - Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. - For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.] - I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. - Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. - When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, -Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.- - I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.- I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.- - I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. - I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. - I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything What your car says about you: Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX- I am impotent Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall. Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall. Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse- I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp. Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above) Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole. Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler MGB- I am dating a mechanic Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a.... Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife An out-of-towner driving east in Crown Heights Brooklyn pulls up his car next to a local Hassid and asks, "How far is it to Fifth Avenue in Manhattan?" The Hassid considers it for a moment, then answers "The way you're going, about twenty-four thousand miles." HOW TO WIN ON HORSES Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?" "Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already." "How can I get into it Moishe?" "Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000." Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for $120,000. Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse. A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks. "Moishe, nu? What's new?" "Umm, things are well, and with you?" "Things are great!" "Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?" "Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money." "How is that? It was dead!" "Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize." "Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?" Abe shrugs, "So, I gave him back his $5!" Overheard at Shlemiel's Shoe Shoppe "How much are your four dollar shoes?" "Two dollars a foot." Old Abe Steinberg was knocked down by a car as he tried to cross the street, and when he came to he found himself on a bed in a hospital emergency ward. A prim Catholic Sister came in to try to get some information. He told her his name, age, and address. "Insurance?" "No." She asked about family. "No family", he said. "No kinfolks at all?" she asked. "We need to know somebody to get in touch with to pay the bills. Really, no brothers or sisters?" "Well, yes," he said. "I did have an old maid sister, but she turned Catholic and became a nun." Sister drew herself up and sniffed: "She is NOT an old maid. A nun is the bride of Christ." "OK, then," said Abe. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law." A forty-ish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?" She says, "I just had my annual check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says "Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41-year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed...is the penis. No doubt, this is due to the fact that: 40% of the time...it is hanging around...unemployed; 30% of the time...it is hard up; 20% of the time...it is pissed off; and 10% of time...it is in the hole. Besides, it has two dependents...and they are both nuts! But...effective April 15th, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows: 10" to 12" Luxury Tax 8" to 10" Pole Tax 5" to 8" Privilege Tax 4" to 5" Nuisance Tax Further...all males exceeding 12" must file a Capital Gains form. Anyone who is willing to prove their penis is under 4"... is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!! Issues still under consideration are as follows: Should there be penalties for early withdrawal? Should multiple partners count as a corporation? Should condoms be deductible as "work clothes"? Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise! Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But, he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floating contents, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you could tell me about that?" "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know....I haven't had a cold all winter." Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them. One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear. "We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When the bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly. You are gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The bartender will be so grossed out that he'll immediately throw us out of the bar," said the lad. They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm. After the seventh bar they were both extremely drunk. One of them started complaining, "Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my knees." His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog four bars ago!" Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked 10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!" 9. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 8. An inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources. 7. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 6. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. And the number 1 reason to go to work naked: 1. No one steals your chair. Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing Mah Jong. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." One of the other women says, "Well, since we are having a true confessions here, I am a nymphomaniac; but don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will. We have been friends for too long." Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess something. The reason that I never married is that I'm a lesbian; but don't worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make also. I am a yenta. Now please excuse me. I have some phone calls to make." Subject: Happiness I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have. Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or ... I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free. Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or ... I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste. Today I can grumble about my health or ... I can rejoice that I am alive. Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or ... I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born. Today I can cry because roses have thorns or ...I can celebrate that thorns have roses. Today I can mourn my lack of friends or ... I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships. Today I can whine because I have to go to work or ... I can shout for joy because I have a job to do. Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have! Have a GREAT DAY ... unless you have other plans. Just remember, a 'Smile' will make the days go better. Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure. When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. It has been reported that there is a new drug hybrid being developed by Glaxo Labs, soon to be tested: The drug is called "Gingko/Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing. Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth." How Can You Tell If You Are A Jewish Redneck 1) You think a Hora is a high priced call girl. 2) You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette. 3) Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke. 4) Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name. 5) You have a gun rack in your Sukkah. 6) You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher. 7) You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law. 8) You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks. 9) When someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy. 10) You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion. A blonde who was sick and tired of all the dumb blonde jokes decided to disprove the stereotype to her husband. While he was off at work, she took it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in the house. Arriving home at 5:30, her husband, smelling the distinctive smell of paint, found her in the living room lying on the floor in a pool of sweat, wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat. When he asked her why she was dressed doubly warm, she replied that the directions on the paint can said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. As has been the tradition for many years, a marriage has been arranged for a young Hasidic couple. Unfortunately, the young man has never been briefed on the whys and how-tos of sex. The wedding takes place and the young couple finds themselves in bed, ready to consummate the marriage. The young Hasid says to his bride, "I've never done this before. I'm not really sure what to do." His wife responds in a reassuring way that she will guide him through the process. She says, "remove your garments, all of them, not just your tzitzis." A little embarrassed, the husband complies. She says "OK, now you need to lie right on top of me." "Naked?" he asks. "Yes" she says. So he climbs on to, but just lies there. "Now" she says, "put it inside me." "You mean my...?" "Yes!" He does so, but is still embarrassed and just lies there on top of her, rigid, in more ways than one. Finally after about 10 minutes of just lying there, the young bride gets an idea. "Now," she says, "Daavin!!!" You can now be circumcised online. All you need is the emoil address: A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns. Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! Again he buys a ticket sits through the acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy! The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts. "Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!" Men! The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Airline Talk Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." RESIGNATION I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple: when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. But if you didn't that it wouldn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. And that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my T4 statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ Tag! You’re it! We had the Oscars,now the "Irvings,"awarded for excellence in Jewish movies, will be awarded this week in MiamiBeach at the Rascal House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night. The following have been nominated: THE SIX CENTS - 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth GOY STORY 2 - Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK - Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann SUPERNOVA - Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox ANGELA'S KASHAS - Woman reveals secret recipe GIRLS, INTERRUPTED - Women's section of shul shushed during davening STUART LADLE - Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of Israel commissioned his company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilots parachuted to safety thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray ... to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off." With nothing to lose and thinking the rabbi may have some holy insight, Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly! Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?" "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once -- NOT ONCE -- has the matzo broken on the perforation!" It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver. There’s a brand of matzoh out this year fortified with whole wheat, bran and Metamucil. It’s called “Let My People Go"! Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? A: Filet minyan Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does a mohel carry? A: A Bris-kit! These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!... Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery ownstairs. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss. Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study. The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays. A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music will follow. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary. Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you! The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!", commands the Emperor. The Japanese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box releasing one fly, draws his samurai sword and Swish! The fly falls to the floor neatly divided in two pieces! "Wow! what a feat! O.K., #2, show me what you can do." The Chinese samurai smiles confidently, steps forward, opens a tiny box releasing one fly, draws his samurai sword and Swish! Swish!, the fly falls to the floor neatly divided into 4 pieces! "Man! That's skill! How are you going to top that, #3?" The Jewish samurai thinks, "well, if it worked for them, it oughtta work for me," he steps forward, opens a tiny box releasing one fly, draws his samurai sword and Swoooooosh!, flourishes his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blows through the room. But the fly is still buzzing round! In disappointment, the Emperor says, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replies the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Hard is circumcision!” Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" A blonde visiting Washington, DC asks a police officer how to get to the capitol building. The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer, seeing the blonde still there, says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by. The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, swim as fast as you can for a long time until you get to the uterus to fertilize the egg. ”Good luck!" Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and starts to swim as fast as he can. After a bit, he asks a more mature sperm swimming beside him how much farther it is to the uterus. The older sperm says “Uterus? Why, we haven’t passed the esophagus yet!” I was considering giving up my desk job to become a male prostitute but upon reflection I decided it would just be trading a hard day at the office for a ‘hard’ day at the ‘orifice’. Two Year Degree for Men - A new two-year degree is being offered at University of Texas that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A REAL Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR : Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 Women Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Xmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II (also involves clean up) ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR : Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down - Elective (See Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Flapping the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-Law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" "RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is a vegetable. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together. The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach. All the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by airfreight to Madrid. Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph, tear-jerking Israeli horseradish, was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the EL Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish, he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out. No shipments would be unloaded for four days. As a result of this …………… The Chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!! Oy Vey!! Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope, the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it? ……….………………………Don't look down. A girl was telling her friend about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home. "After we had sex”, she said, “ the son of a bitch called me a slut!" Her friend asked, "What did you do then?" "I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his eight friends with him!" Humour with a Southern Flavour: Federal Census for all Rednecks Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other_______________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Work in a Tattoo parlor (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician(_) Engineering Want-a-be (_) Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe: (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____ Color of hair: (_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road? A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a female gorilla who went into heat and became very difficult to handle. As there were no male gorillas available, the park administrators asked old Ed, the redneck cage cleaner if he would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? After thinking the matter over carefully, Ed said that he would, but only under three conditions. First, he wouldn’t have to kiss her, second, no one could ever know about it and third, they had to give him another week to come up with the $500." A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy replies, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist! What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!" Arriving for her artificial insemination, a good-looking blonde was surprised when Billy-Bob, the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes. "And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Sorry," said Billy-Bob, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft." Blondes may have more fun but I’m not sure they are all aware of it! A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" " The blonde yelled back, " NO, IT'S A SCARF!" At a job interview a young blonde was asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" A blonde playing Trivial Pursuit got the Science & Nature question, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" During a final exam of "yes/no" type questions, a blonde stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then starts tossing a coin and marking the answer sheet ‘yes’ for heads and ‘no’ for tails. She is all done in half an hour while the rest of the class is still sweating it out. But then, in the last few minutes, she is seen desperately tossing the coin, muttering and swearing. The monitor approaches and asks her what is going on. "I finished half an hour ago but I'm trying to recheck my answers.” A blonde called the front desk the first morning of her stay in a hotel and said, “I can’t get out of my room! There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'" Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades at the Nova Scotians; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton asked the front desk to send up some pepper. The concierge asked, "Would you prefer black pepper, or white pepper?" Came the reply, "Toilette pepper!" Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude female model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before each monk candidate in turn, with no reaction, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent over to pick up the bell......and all the other eleven bells went off! 10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer 10. When they ask, "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" And first and foremost: 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. It's spring and a mother bear sees her son come out of his cave. His knees are wobbling and he's a total wreck. He's all skin and bones with big circles under his eyes. She says: "You look awful! Didn't you hibernate all winter like I told you?" To which the bear replies: "Hibernate? Damn! I thought you said masturbate!” Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it? "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Western Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but the people will be uncaring and rude. Eastern Europe is going to be poor but the people will be kind and live simple lives. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people..." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner. "What's that one? "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous. They're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them." THE DALAI LAMA”S INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3.Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, and >Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5.Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6.Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7.When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8.Spend some time alone every day
9.Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12.A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13.In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14.Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16.Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17.Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18.Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19.Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

A good looking female student comes to a young professor's office, glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes... Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"

A yeast infection is just God’s way of letting a woman find out what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.
Alternate version – (believe me, women in general and my wife in particular see absolutely nothing funny about the original version) – Jock itch is just God’s way of letting a man find out what it’s like to live with an irritating prick.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "He’s your doctor."

And You Thought You Knew Everything
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "Mt."
12. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
13. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
14. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.
15. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
16. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
17. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
18. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
19. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
20. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
21. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
22. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
23. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
24. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
25. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
26. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home!)
28. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
29. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
30. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
31. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
32. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
33. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
34. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. The emergency room doctor asks her: "How did this happen?" "Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest. Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth!" "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"

After the big Superbowl party, John figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs,walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says John. "You know," the wife says, "It happens just before the twominute warning."
A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for the best come-back line of the year.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

I asked for Strength.........And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom.........And God gave me Problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity.........And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work. I asked for Courage.........And God gave me Danger to overcome. I asked for Love.........And God gave me Troubled people to help. I asked for Favors.........And God gave me Opportunities. I received nothing I wanted ........I received everything I needed!
Anonymous CyberblessingMay God Bless you with unspeakable joy, not only in the world to come, but in this world also. May your path be bright and full of light everywhere you go. May God tell darkness that it must flee at your command. And, I pray your feet will never stumble out of God's plan. May the desires of your heart come true, and may you experience Peace in everything you do. May Goodness, Kindness, and Mercy come your way. And, may you gain Wisdom and have spiritual growth every day.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man. Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the astonished Barber. "What'd he say?" "He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty haircut?'"

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of PantyhoseA: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find. One day as Angus was walking through the woods he came across an old bottle. He popped the cork and out came a genie. The genie thanked him for setting him free and promised to grant him one wish in return. So Angus replied, “If you’re going to grant me one wish, I want to be able to piss the finest whiskey that ever there was." The genie waved his hand and said, "So be it! It is done!" and disappeared. Angus walked back to his home and pissed into a glass to see if the wish really had been granted. He sniffed the liquid in the glass...smelled like whiskey. He tasted it...damn, it was the best whiskey he had ever tasted! He even pissed some whiskey into a glass for his wife. From then on, Angus would come home from work every day and piss into two glasses so he and his wife could have a nice dram of the finest whiskey. Then one day, he came home and pissed into only one glass. The wife looked at him and said, "Where's me rum, laddy?" With a mischievous grin, Angus replied, "Tonight, dear, ya drink from the bottle!"
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live." Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?" The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?" The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
How's this for a scam? You're reading through your morning paper when you come across an ad placed by a company claiming to be able to supply imported, hard-to-find pornographic videos featuring all kinds of perverted sex acts, and all at a reasonable price. You place an order, mailing in your check or money order, and wait for the sleazy bounty to fill your mail-box. A few weeks later, you get a letter from the same company stating that they are sorry, but due to a government crack-down they will be unable to send you the videos you ordered. Along with the letter, they send you a company check, reimbursing you in full. The only problem? Written across the check, in big, blocky letters, is the company's name: The ANAL SEX and FETISH PERVERTS Company. Would you cash this check? The good people of The ANAL SEX and FETISH PERVERTS Company are betting you wouldn't !

ONE BAD-ASS VIRUS
If you receive an email entitled Badtimes, delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer!!! It de-magnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the Badtimes message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!!!
A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honor, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses, while her place is being prepared for her. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary, if this were possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting. The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask. "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of God, you -- a simple Jewish woman, I know -- but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when Lord Jesus was born?" With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, she replies, "Vell, Ich hob takkeh gevolt a Maydel." [For the Yiddish-impaired, it translates as "Well, I was really hoping for a girl."]

A blonde calls 911. In a panic she tells the dispatcher that her house is on fire and that she needs the Fire Department there immediately. The dispatcher tells her, "just calm down ma'am and tell us how to get there. "To which the blonde replies: "DUH! The big red truck!"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a married couple decide to spend the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fit, see-through dress with thin straps. As they walk by the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the scantily clad girl, the gorilla goes nuts. He jumps up on the bars, grunts and pounds his chest. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is very funny and suggests that his wife tease the gorilla some more. He has her pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom at him and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests she let one of her straps fall and show him a little more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla almost tears the bars down with excitement. "Now try lifting your dress up and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives Mr. Gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips in his cage. The husband suddenly grabs his wife by the hair, opens the door of the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut!!! "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat beside another guy with a black eye. He remarks on the coincidence and says “ Mine happened because of a Freudian slip. When buying my ticket from the big-breasted clerk, instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said 'I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh.' and then she socked me one." The first guy said, "Mine was a Freudian slip too. I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife: 'Please pour me a coffee, sweetheart' But I accidentally said: 'You ruined my life, you bitch."

The Wisdom of Kids on Relationships
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." - Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." - Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." - Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." - Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." - Howard, 8
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" - Kevin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." - Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." - Ricky, age 10

It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. Suddenly, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflects on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks her husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind? "The husband replies, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry. "Then, as the wife undresses, she asks: "What are you thinking now? "He replies: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." The doctor walks in and says "I've got some really bad news: you have Alzheimer's disease and cancer. "So the guy says: "Thank God I don't have cancer!" This wonderful article was written by Mark Twain in 1899, when anti-Semitism was the norm and widespread in the US, large companies did not hire Jews and when people like Ford and Edison expressed their anti-Semitic feelings openly.
"If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star-dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly be heard of; but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and obtuse learning are also way out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvelous fight in this world in all the ages, and has done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself and be excused for it. The Egyptians, the Babylonians, and the Persians rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, and faded to dream stuff and passed away. The Greeks and the Romans followed and made a vast noise and they are gone. Other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a time. But it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. The Jew saw them all. Beat them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but the Jew. All other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?..."
There are some who will say that the answer to Mr. Twain’s question is divine intervention, others pure faith, others the strength of the family unit, others stressing the education of the children and some will even say that the secret is actually anti-Semitism. This is a veritable question for the sages or the ages. However, don’t be afraid to let your children know what great contributions have been made to the world by Jews in all areas of human endeavour. (You can encourage them to investigate websites such as http://www.jewhoo.com/ which will tell you by category who’s Jewish) We are only as strong as our next generation and we should never miss an opportunity to encourage them to be proud of and celebrate their heritage!

Halley’s Comet could be seen in the southern sky on the day that Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) was born and once again, as he had predicted, also on the day of his death!

A fellow is in a rifle shop checking out a very expensive scope rifle and asks if it’s the best available. The clerk says, “Are you kidding? Look for yourself out the window.” He takes the rifle and looks through the scope out the window and says, “Wow! I can read my name on my mailbox way up on the hill. Hey, I can even see my wife in the bedroom window! Hey, wait a minute! She’s having sex with my best friend!” He puts down the rifle and says, “I’ll take this rifle right now if you’ll throw in two bullets – one for my wife’s head and the other for my best friends dick.” The clerk in the meantime has picked up the rifle for a better view of the goings-on. He says, “Well fella, If you hurry up I think I can save you a bullet!

On an airplane re-fuelling in Rome, a fellow is doing a crossword when the captain comes on and says, “ Folks, you’re in for a special treat. Due to technical problems on Vatican One, the Pope will be traveling with us as far as Zurich!” Imagine the fellow’s surprise when the Pope is seated right next to him. After introductions the fellow goes back to his crossword and lo and behold the Pope takes out his own crossword. After a few minutes the pontiff adjusts his mitre, leans over and says to the chap, ”Can you tell me a four letter word for woman that ends in ‘UNT’?” The chap gets a very embarrassed look on his face and then in a flash of inspiration says, “Oh yes, the word you are looking for is AUNT.” The Pope says, “”Thank you very much. You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser would you?”

A young chap arrives early for his job interview at Love Craft and finds the boss having his lunch at the front counter. The boss says as long as you’re here, you mind the store while I go to the bank. It will be good experience for you to jump right in and see how you do. So the boss leaves and two girls, one black, one white, come in and ask to see their selection of dildos. The young chap lays out what they have on the counter. He says, The white one is thirty dollars and the black one is forty dollars. The white girl decides on the black one and the black girl decides on the white one and they go off happy. Then a big Russian woman opens the door and asks “You have dildos?” He shows her the assortment and she says, “How much the white one?” He says, ”Thirty dollars.” She says, “How much the black one?” “He says, ”Forty dollars.” She says, “How much the tartan one?” He says, “Fifty dollars. She buys the tartan one and leaves. Soon after, the boss comes back and asks the young fellow how he made out. He says, “Great! I sold a white dildo to a black girl, a black dildo to a white girl and to a Russian woman I sold your thermos!

Q: What do you get when you mix rogaine and viagra? A: Don King!

Watch out for these latest computer viruses!
Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus: Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

Q: What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box? A: A wicker basket is for flowers. Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Mariah Carey. Q: How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? A: The hot dogs taste like shit.

If Elian Gonzalez were Jewish: author unknown A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh . The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be "Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out.(glug) (glug)". Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever.. There, he was turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg. He moved into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course. Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit of a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released. He then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back. Since it was Friday night, he walked to Miami. However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read "Stay away! Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if you know a nice girl". Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl and played "Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins. When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!". The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read "LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER.". Talk shows posed questions like: What's more important, parenthood or politics? What if an American boy was held in Israel? Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami? Guess how much I paid for this? It was ugly. The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because she had no job , no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get into the area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of neighbors poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time they entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons. The boy was taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.

"Ten Things To Do With Leftover Matzah Farfel"
1. Organic kitty litter
2. Garden mulch
3. Add water, make a facial
4. Ecological packing material
5. Resurface the driveway
6.Donate to Kindergarten for papier mache projects
7. Use in lieu of oatmeal bath for kids with chicken pox
8. Throw at weddings
9.Growing medium for strep test
10. Revenge on geese for leaving goose poop on your lawn

Great winter pick-up line: My ears are cold; can I borrow your thighs?

A guy gets a call from his wife's doctor to come in for a chat. The doctor explains that, after the wife's tests, there was a mixup at the lab and all he can tell the guy is that his wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's. "What the hell kind of a diagnosis is that?" the guy says. "What am I supposed to do?" "Well," says the doc, "let's do this... Send her out for a loaf of bread. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her!"
(Greeting sent out on May 4th)On this day I would like to borrow from the words of the great Jedi Knights of yore; the great Italian Jedi Knight (great fresser, that is), OBI WANT CANOLLI, the evil PIZZA-THE-HUT (who is now restricted to planets far, far away from the Milky Way as he is doubly doomed with that rare affliction, ga-lactic intolerance) and the loanshark cum Jedi Knight, LOOT SHYLOCKER and I am sure they all join me in saying,
– MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU!

How did Russell Crowe feel in a scene from his new movie after performing cunnilingus on the Emperor's wife? A: He was gladiator! So a guy goes in to see his doctor, who tells him "Well, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" The guy says "I guess I'll take the good first." The doctor says "I'll read you your test results: "patient has only 72 hours to live." The guy says "Holy shit! What the fuck is the BAD news???" The doctor says "Well, we've been trying to reach you for 2 days..." Famous predictions Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "But what ... is it good for?"--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriouslyconsidered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,1929
."Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H.Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." –Bill Gates, 1981What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Hell’s Angel? A fellow who knocks on your door on Sunday to tell YOU to fuck off!

Q: What goes: Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clipidy Clop Clipidy Clop? A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas barbeques?"

Q: How do you blind a Chinese person? A: Put a windshield in front of him.

After retiring from tennis, an interviewer asked Ms. Navratilova: "Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?"
Her unequivocal reply: "Suck my dick!"

At a multi-faith convention, a Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are sitting together at coffee break talking about their families. The Jew very proudly states “I have five sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “I have eight sons, one more and he’ll have a baseball team.” The Mormon says “I have seventeen wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course.”

How can you tell when a Russian woman is having her period? She’s only wearing one sock!

A yuppie driving in his Lexus is side-swiped by a big tractor trailer. He dials 911 on his cell phone and when the police arrive he goes berserk about the damage to his beautiful vehicle and is virtually inconsolable. The policeman says, “You yuppies are so materialistic you make me sick! You didn’t even notice that your arm was ripped off with the impact! “The yuppie says, ”Oh my God, my Rolex!”

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

A construction superintendent is given three new employees, an Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese guy. He had to go to a job meeting, so he told the Italian he was in charge of shoveling, the Irishman was in charge of sweeping and the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies. When he returns from the meeting he finds only the Italian and the Irishman, sees there has been no work done and asks for an explanation. The Italian says “You put the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and he never got me a shovel.” The Irishmen says,” Yeah, and he never got me a broom either!” The super says, “Where the hell is the Chinese guy?” At that very moment the Chinese guy jumps out of the closet and yells, ”SUPPLIES!”

What’s green, has four legs and smells like pussy? The pool table at the White House!

A boy and his grandfather are fishing side by side and the grandfather is taking it easy, smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. The young lad says, ”Grandpa, can I have some of your cigar?” The old gent says, “Son, can you reach your asshole with the tip of your penis?” The boy says, “No, not yet.” So the grandfather says, “Then you can’t have any of my cigar.” The boy says, “Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?” Again the old fellow asks the same question and receives the same answer from the lad. After a while the kid asks, “Gramps, can you reach your asshole with the tip of your penis?” The old fellow replies, “Oh yes, very easily.” The kid replies, “Well then why don’t you go fuck yourself!”

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

A man with terrible migraine headaches goes to a specialist seeking relief. After examining him the doctor asks if the pain starts at the front and then moves slowly to the back of the head. The fellow says, “Why yes! How did you know?” The doctor says, “ These are the worst kinds of migraines and impossible to get rid of altogether. I know because I suffer from the same thing. As a matter of fact the only thing I have found that will take them away is giving oral sex to my wife. The way she squeezes my head with her thighs makes the pain disappear. I think as a last resort you should try it and come back and see me next week.” The fellow returns next week and the doctor asks if he tried what he suggested. The chap says, “Yes I did and you were right. The oral sex took the pain away completely. I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

A fellow is sitting at a light in his new Ferrari convertible when an old man pulls up beside him on a mo-ped. The old man admires the car and leans over the window to check out the all leather interior and tells the fellow how lucky he is to own such a vehicle. As the light turns green the guy in the Ferrari decides to show off and floors it. As he hits 100 km per hour he checks out his rear view mirror and the guy on the moped is just a speck in the distance but he seems to be gaining on him. He can’ believe his eyes as the speck gets bigger and bigger and the next thing he knows the old guy on the mo-ped goes flying past him. He goes way ahead of him and all of a sudden the mo-ped starts coming back just as quickly until they are finally even and the old man motions for him to pull over. When he does so, the old guy, with his eyes bugging out of his head, comes over and unhooks his suspenders from the Ferrari’s side mirror.

A guy sees an old friend of his on the street one day and notices he is wearing a pink frilly suit. He says, “Hey what’s with the pink suit Fred?” Fred says, “Well I made a terrible mistake. My wife told me to go to Cox’s and get a seersucker suit, but I got confused and went to Sears instead.

A chap with a black eye comes in to the clubhouse and sits down. One of his friends says, “George, how’d you get the shiner?” He says, “ Well I was playing on the eighteenth when I saw Thelma Jones walking up and down along the cow pasture looking for her ball. I started looking with her and after about ten minutes I was about to give up when I saw a cow swish its tail and reveal a golf ball stuck in it’s ass! So as I was lifting up the cow’s tail I said, hey Thelma, does this look like yours?”

Then there was the lesbian carpenter who built herself an entire house without one single stud – all tongue and groove!On this day in the year 1916, renowned theoretical physicist Albert Einstein presents his Theory of General Relativity to his peers. The scientific community is rocked by the theory, in which Einstein contends that people who are related to each other tend to look alike.

Q: What's black and crispy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A Polish electrician!

A nun traveling on a bus strikes up a friendly conversation with a middle-aged man. The topic gets around to sex and the nun reveals that after all her years as a nun the only thing she regrets is that she might die without ever having tried sex. She says she might even consider trying it just once as long as the fellow wasn’t married of course. She turns to the fellow and says, “Are you married?” He replies, “No, I’ve never had the privilege.” So the nun says, “Then would you consider having sex with me just once?” HE says, “Well I think I could oblige you.” So they get off at the next stop and rent a cheap room. The nun says,” I’m too embarrassed to take off all my clothes in front of a man and I really want to keep my hymen intact, so is it OK with you if I just hike up my habit and you can enter me in the rear?” The fellow agrees and enjoys a ripping good bum fucking. After they are all done the fellow says, “You know sister, you’re a good woman and I feel terrible and I really have to level with you. I’m really married.” So the nun says, “Well as long as we’re getting all truthful-like here, then you should know that I’m not really a nun – I’m a gay guy on his way to a costume party!”

A fellow walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for a six-pack of condoms. The Pharmacist says he only carries them in 7-, 9-, and 12-packs. The fellow says those are strange numbers. How did you ever come up with those? The pharmacist replied, “Well, the 7-packs are for the high school boys to cover Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday; the 9-packs are for the university boys to cover Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and twice on Saturday and Sunday; and the 12-packs are for the married men to cover January, February, March...

Do you know the Yiddish word for oral sex? “FEH”

One evening at dinner, a woman asks her husband, ‘Honey if I died do you think you would ever remarry?” The husband says, ”Well, once I got over the initial shock of losing you and if the circumstances were just right and I ever found anyone half as good as you, then I just might consider the possibility.” The wife says, “If you did remarry, do you think you would let her live in this same house?” The husband says, “Well, if enough time had passed, and you wouldn’t be around anymore then I might consider having her live here.” The wife says, ”And would you let her drive my car?” He says. ”Well since you wouldn’t be able to use it anymore, I don’t think any harm would be done.” The wife asks, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” The husband says, “Why absolutely not, dear! She’s left-handed.”

There are a lot of women who treat fish and penises alike. They eat the small ones and mount the big ones!

A sergeant-major goes in to a whore house. As he gets undressed he folds and pleats his uniform on a chair and then stands stark naked in front of the girl at attention and shouts “ATTEN-SHUN!” and his pecker stands up rock hard and straight. The girl is amazed and tells him she has never seen anything like that in her life. So he says watch this and he shouts, “AT EASE!” and his penis goes completely flaccid. She says,” My friend is in the next room and I’m sure she has never seen anything like this before either. I’ll do you for free if you just let her see this.” The soldier agrees and the girl comes in. He stands at attention and shouts, “ATTEN-SHUN!” and he gets an instant erection. The new girl is also amazed. So then he says, “AT EASE”, but his penis stays stiff as a board. Even louder he shouts, “AT EASE!” and still he’s got a woody. He bellows once again, “I SAID AT EASE FELLOW!” but to no avail. Finally he looks down at his penis and says, “If you won’t follow orders, I’m going to have to take you over in the corner and give you an honourable discharge!”

One day many years ago a talent scout has a fellow come in to his office to audition for him. He is totally blown away by the fellows amazing singing and dancing skills and his sense of humour. He gets out a contract and says, “With me as your agent the sky’s the limit. Name please.” The fellow says, “Penis van Lesbian.” The agent says, “Well we can soon change that.” But the fellow says, “No I could never change my name. It was given to me by my lovely parents and it’s who I am.” The agent says, “No name change, no contract!” So the fellow walked out. Many years later, as he was walking down the street, he sees the same performer get out of a stretch limousine and he is swarmed by photographers and autograph -seekers. The agent edges his way through the crowd, taps the guy on the shoulder and says, “Remember me? I’m the talent scout who said you’d never become famous with a name like Penis van Lesbian. I’m here to say I was wrong.” So the performer says, “Well I must admit you were right all along. I never did achieve any success until I changed my name.” The scout says, “That’s big of you to admit it. What name do you go by now?” He said, “Dick van Dyke!”

A blonde was sick and tired of all the dumb blonde jokes at work around the water cooler so one night she stayed up all night memorizing state capitals. The next day when a co-worker started casting aspersions on the fair-haired ones she piped up and said, ”Blondes are not dumb, just ask me any state capital.” So the fellow thought for a while and said, “What’s the capital of Wyoming?” Without hesitation she proudly blurted out, “W!”

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto and said, “Father, now that I have started dating I have a big problem. My girlfriend keeps complaining that penis is giving her slivers. What can I do?” Gepetto replies, “Well son, take some of this sandpaper and rub all over your penis till it’s nice and smooth and then your girlfriend shouldn’t complain.” Pinocchio thanked his father and hurried home to give it a try. A week later Gepetto saw his son on the street and said, “Pinocchio, how are things going with that problem you were having with your girlfriend?” Pinocchio says, “What girlfriend?”
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" "Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" "Lard ass."
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me." MY OATH TO YOU...When you are sad,.............I will dry your tears.When you are scared,..........I will comfort your fears.When you are worried,.........I will give you hope.When you are confused,........I will help you cope.And when you are lost,........And can't see the light,I shall be your beacon........Shining ever so bright.This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend. David M. Bader has recently written a book entitled, Haikus for Jews. Here are a few examples of his poetry:Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a childafter all I've done? Beyond Valium,the peace of knowing one's child is an internist. The same kimono the top geishas are wearing—got it at Loehmann's. Scrabble anarchyafter 'putzhead' is placed ona triple-word score. The sparkling blue seabeckons me to wait one hourafter my sandwich. Hava Nagila,Hava Nagila, Hava—enough already. Left the door open.For the Prophet Elijah.Now our cat is gone. No fins, no flippersthe gefilte fish swims withsome difficulty Hey! Get back indoors!Whatever you were doingcould put an eye out. Testing the warm milkon her wrist, she beams -- nice, buther son is forty. Lovely nose ring --excuse me while I put myhead in the oven. After the warm rain,the sweet scent of camellias.Did you wipe your feet? Wet moss on the oldstone path -- flat on my back, Iponder whom to sue. Today I am aman. On Monday I returnto the seventh grade.
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try giving yourself a scare. "That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go? "The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife bit 3 inches off my penis, shit on my face, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Q: what do you call a woman with PMS and ESP? A: Easy... a know-it-all bitch!
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
When a couple from backwoods Arkansas gets divorced, are they still brother and sister? What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.Why do folks in Tennessee go to the movie theatre in groups of 18 or more? Cuz 17 and under not admitted. What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo" What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
Q: What do you call 100 rabbits in a row, walking backwards? A: Receding hare line!
Two drunks are sitting at a bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Sure," says Pete. "Been married to one for fifteen years!"
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As the old man gets up and composes himself, a young kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "You know, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it won't slip." The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat on this here bus."
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?" The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.
A U.S. Marshal rides into town, goes into the saloon and asks the bartender whether he's seen the Paper Bag Kid recently. "I don't know," replies the bartender. "What's he look like?" "He isn't hard to spot," says the marshal. "His hat is made out of paper bags, so are his shirt and vest. Even his pants and boots are made from paper bags." "Well, I reckon I'd have noticed him," the bartender tells him, "but he ain't been by that I know of. What's he wanted for, anyway? "The marshal answers, "Rustling!"
Just after his annual physical exam, Fred’s doctor summoned him to his office with a very grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you've only got about 6 months to live." "Oh my God" gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?" The doctor said "You might think about taking a wife, after all you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness." "That's a good point Doc," mused Fred. "And with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my time." "May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl." "A Jewish girl? How come?" asked Fred. "It'll seem longer." Well, after the season finale of Spin City, actor Michael J. Fox will be leaving acting for more noble pursuits. We all wish him well in his search for a cure for Parkinson’s Disease and maybe along the way he can also find the cure for terminal cuteness and chronic shortitude.
We think our younger generation never notices anything, but in truth, they notice more than we as adults do, and they notice and understand more than what we want to admit they do...A Columbine student wrote this, very compelling piece:"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, but not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We have higher incomes. But lower morals; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality. These are the times of tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. It is time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference…or just hit delete." pass it on...
YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN.....1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, and you're not eating cereal.4. Your back goes out, but you stay home.5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. (Love this one!)7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.8. When happy hour is a nap.9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.24. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.26. You have more patience, but it's actually that you just don't care anymore.27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember ever being on top of it.
To paraphrase Confucius ; Life is PART YING and PART YANG but the best part is
PARTYING!
CEL-E-BRATE! CEL-E-BRATE! DANCE TO THE MUSIC!

A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and stroke her pussy. He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?" The wife replied, "you were playing with my kitty". "I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight." The husband said, "no, not at all." The wife then asked, "well, what the hell were you doing then?" The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page." 1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes. 2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ... 3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?6) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.8) I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me-they were cramming for their finals.10) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."
This storm rolls in after the mighty S.S. THOR has been sailing for 30 days. Lightning strikes and knocks a hole in the ship. The men scurry around but nothing can be done the ship is sinking slowly. So the brave ship's captain takes the bible in his hands and calls out to the crew: "Do any of you believe in God?" One man steps forward and says, "I do! "So the captain hands him the bible and says: "Here, take this and pray. We're short one life jacket!"
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"
You know you’re getting old when your latest movie rental is “Last Mango in Paris” or “9 ½ Leaks” or “Debbie Does Dialysis” A TV antenna installer met a lady TV antenna installer on a rooftop. They fell in love and decided to get married.The wedding was nothing special, but the reception was fantastic! Q: What is the difference between Mono and Herpes? A: You get Mono from snatching a kiss! Having had her face badly burned in a fire, a woman is told she needs skin grafting and the only suitable harvest site is from her buttocks. After conferring with her husband she agrees to go ahead with the procedure but only with the proviso that absolutely no one would ever find out where the skin came from. All goes well and she ends up with the softest, most beautiful cheeks that are admired by all, but she’s still worried that someone may find out. She says to her husband, “Are you sure you can keep this quiet?” He replies, “Absolutely dear! The joy I get every time your mother kisses you on the cheek is reward enough for me!”

Two brooms are at the altar when t he bridebroom confides to the groombroom that she is expecting a whisk. He says, “But how can that be dear when we’ve never even swept together!
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because any Mexican who can run, jump, and swim is already in America! What’s the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman’s mouth? Albert Einstein’s cock!
A shapely blond is shopping in a hardware store. The helpful clerk asks: "Do you want a screw for that hinge ma'am?"The Blond replies: "No, thanks. But I'll fuck you for that toaster!"
A painter, while whitewashing an outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted: "FIRE!!!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded swiftly, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief. "No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, "Shit!" who would have rescued me?"63 Things You Might Not Have Known
Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickle the company once had.A rat can last longer without water than a camel.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.!John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.Most lipstick contains fish scales.Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounds like Sue-ice.During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive on each salad served in First Class.Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.There are 4 cars and 11 lightposts on the back on the US 10 dollar bill.Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have $1.19.You would also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
The original name for butterfly was flutterby.The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo.Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokesmodel.
The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
All Is Fair In Business - A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.’ He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE' Up-dated MaximsHome is were you hang your @The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.You can't teach a new mouse old tricks.Great groups from little icons growSpeak softly and carry a cellular phone. C:\ is the route of all directories.Don't put all your hypes in one homepage.Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.The modem is the message.Too many clicks spoil the browse.The geek shall inherit the earth.A chat has nine lives.Don't byte off more than you can view.Fax is stranger than fiction.What boots up must come down.Windows will never cease.Virtual reality is its own reward.Modulation in all things.A user and his leisure time are soon parted.There's no place like .com.Know what to expect before you connect.Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.Speed thrills.Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks More ways to leave your lover11. Tie her up and throw her in the lake, Jake.
10. Drive a stake through her heart, Bart.
9. Push her on the tracks, Max.
8. Cut the breaks on her bike, Mike.
7. Throw her off a cliff, Biff.
6. Run her over with a tank, Frank.
5. Lock her in the basement and let her starve, Marv.
4. Choke her with your nob, Bob.
3. Feed her some tainted pork, Mork.
2. Push her down the step, Shep.
1. Disembowel her with a spatula, Dracula.
A man walks into a doctor's office. "Doctor, doctor! I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," replied the doctor. "Is that rare?" asks the man. "No," said the doc... "It's not unusual!"
Subject: MarriageGetting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that,
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, -You know, I was a fool when I married you. She replied, --Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.A lady inserted an advert in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Two drunks stumble into a cat-house for some tail. The Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these inebriates so she put "blow-up" dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. On the way home the drunks were comparing notes. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I'm SURE mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her nipple... she farted and flew out the window!"
Q: What does the mafia and eating pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!
A man goes up to the pharmacist and asks him if he sells Viagra. The pharmacist says: "We certainly do!"So the guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?" And the pharmacist replies: "Only if I take two!"
Q: What did the worm say to the caterpillar? A: Who’d you have to sleep with to get the fur coat?A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00 . This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from the insurance company for a visit to the doctor’s office. Q: Why did the cuckold refer to his wife as Federal Express? A: Because whenever she goes to a guy's house, it's absolutely, positively, guaranteed that she'll be there overnight! Q: What's the difference between Jewish women and Catholic women? A: Catholic women have fake jewelry and real orgasms...
It was the first day of school, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was entering the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up." The Teacher asked, "Who said that?" Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!" Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
On his deathbed, a preacher sent a message requesting that his banker and his lawyer, both church members, come to his home. When they arrived, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments but they were also puzzled because the banker had never been very friendly with either of them. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation. "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way." The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness and that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no." "Second, did you know that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no." "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident, leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?" The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea." The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?" The student replied, "It's dead." The teacher asked, "How do you know for sure?" The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, Psst and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."
The Virgin Mary received a gift from God for services rendered two millennia ago. She was given the gift of reincarnation on earth for one week. The only stipulation was that she had to telephone God every night while she was on earth. The first night, she called back and said, "Hi, God, this is the Virgin Mary. Today, I got drunk." God replied, "That is not so good. You must promise to never do that again." And so she did. The second night, she called back and said, "Hi, God, this is the Virgin Mary. Today, I smoked marijuana." God replied, "That is not so good. You must promise to never do that again." And so she did. The third night, she called back and said, "Hi, God, this is Mary." A man and a woman walk into a posh store on Rodeo Drive and he has her try on an absolutely gorgeous full-length mink coat. As the lady tries it on, the owner discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem. I'll write you a check." "Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
After losing her handbag in a shopping mall, a lady had it returned to her by an honest little boy. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $50 bill in it. Now there are ten $5 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward either."
Two old guys were sitting in the park talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older." "What do you mean?" asked the other. "Well," he replied, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered. "Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed, she'd get these terrible headaches. Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. Would you rather have it administered orally or as a suppository?”
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line, where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad for an old broad!"
A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Texas the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers are now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is much harder when you are out of town!ZEN'S ADVICE FOR THE NEXT CENTURY...1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car or mortgage payments.11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.15. Don't squat with your spurs on.16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Dear Mother and Dad: It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay. Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed by now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Dept. and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, mother and dad, I am pregnant. I know how very much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know that your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you there was no dormitory fire; I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture; I was not in the hospital; I am not pregnant; I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis, and there is no man in my life. However, I am getting a D in sociology and an F in science; and I wanted you to see these marks in proper perspective.Your loving daughter,Susan
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
TOP TEN SECRETS STOLEN FROM LOS ALAMOS!11. The identities of our next ten Presidents.10. J. Edgar Hoover's measurements.9. A detailed map of the tunnel network connecting McDonald's restaurants in the former USSR.8. How to get your whites whiter, your brights brighter.7. The original recipe for Nieman-Marcus' infamous $500 cookie.6. 100 gigabytes of images and video files from the "All JapScat Shit-fest 91-99"5. The exact number of licks it takes to get to the centre of a Tootsie Roll Pop.4. The formula for a cure for AIDS. 3. The formula for AIDS.2. Current e-mail addresses for Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis.1. A digital video file of vintage Kennedy assassination footage... from an angle you've never seen before.
Q: What is the difference between Lady Godiva and looking for a golf ball? A: Looking for a golf ball is a hunt on a course!The local Cat House gets busted one afternoon and the police have all the hookers line up on the street, waiting for the Paddy Wagon to arrive. A little old lady is walking down the street and notices the long line of girls on the sidewalk. She asks the last girl in line why everyone was lining up. The hooker smiles and says the local police are handing out free oranges. The little old lady gets in line and waits her turn. Eventually, one of the cops turns around to handle her and says: "Mercy sakes Lady, how are you able to handle this at your age?" "It's real easy, Sonny," she replies, "I just roll back the skin and suck em' until the juice starts squirting! Or sometimes I just take out my teeth and suck ‘em dry with my gums!" A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so
he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A fellow who had spent days looking for his new hat finally decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back and when no one was looking he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. This particular Sunday the sermon was about the 10 Commandments and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" The chap responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
The FDA has finally released a report that reveals the ingredients of Viagra.... 5% Sugar, 5% Tylenol, 90% Fix-A-Flat.. A young man looking to get laid goes to an address where, he was told, he could find anything he wanted. He walked up to a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, but this is a private club. Kindly slide twenty dollars in the slot as an entrance fee," answered the voice. The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl... which is full of butter.
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." So the old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." So the old man reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don't even go there)Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, andprecious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceptible, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Two Jewish matrons were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says, "Ven mine first child vas born, mine husband built for me this beautiful mension." The second woman says, "Fentestic. The first woman continues, "Ven mine second child vas born, mine husband bought for me dot fine Kedillek in de driveway." Again, the second woman says, "Fentestic." The first woman boasts, "Den, ven mine third child vas born, mine husband bought for me this exqvisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the second woman comments, "Fentestic. The first woman then asks her companion, "Vat did your husband buy for you ven you had your first child?" The second woman replies, "Mine husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cries, "Vay is mir! Vot for?" The first woman responds, "So dot instead of saying 'Who gives a shit', I learned to say, Fentestic."A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've beenthinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses??". The man continued to peruse the ceiling.George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses???". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Lower Slobovian all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Lower Slobovian were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Lower Slobovian and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." The Lower Slobovian grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.It was the cow and the pig…

This baby seal walks into a bar in Toronto and the bartender asks him, "What'll you have there, Bub?"So the baby seal responds: "I don't care. Anything but a Canadian Club!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a mule with an onion? A: A piece of ass so good it brings tears to your eyes!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. So what does all of this produce? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back...all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, opens the window, snaps the radio aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Q: How do you get 50 cows in a barn? A: Put a Bingo sign above the door!
Three Corkmen, Paddy, Sean and Sheamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Sheamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "Feckit, What was his name?" asks Paddy. Sheamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims: "Miles, from Dublin."
A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body - he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head." The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body! She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!" The kid looks up at her and replies, "I hope it's not another bloody hat."
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.Q: What is your date of birth?A: July fifteenth.Q: What year?A: Every year.____________________________________________________________________Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________________________________Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?____________________________________________________________________Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: Forty-five years.____________________________________________________________________Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.____________________________________________________________________Q: And where was the location of the accident?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.____________________________________________________________________Q: Sir, what is your IQ?A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.____________________________________________________________________Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?A: After the accident?Q: Before the accident.A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.____________________________________________________________________Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?A: Yes.Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?A: Yes, sir.Q: What did she say?A: What disco am I at?____________________________________________________________________Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, hedoesn't know about it until the next morning?____________________________________________________________________Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?____________________________________________________________________Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?____________________________________________________________________Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?A: Yes.Q: And what were you doing at that time?____________________________________________________________________Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?____________________________________________________________________Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?____________________________________________________________________Q: How was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?____________________________________________________________________Q: Can you describe the individual?A: He was about medium height and had a beard.Q: Was this a male or a female?____________________________________________________________________Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.____________________________________________________________________Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.____________________________________________________________________Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?A: Oral.____________________________________________________________________Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.____________________________________________________________________Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?____________________________________________________________________Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?A: No.Q: Did you check for blood pressure?A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing?A: No.Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?A: No.Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.GROWING OLDER MEANS THAT:In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.There's nothing left to learn the hard way.Things you buy now won't wear out. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You can eat dinner at 4:00You can live without sex but not without glasses.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel.You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You send money to TVO.You sing along with the elevator music. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.Your back goes out more than you do.Your ears are hairier than your head. Your eyes won't get much worse.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.You no longer purchase green bananasPeople send you this list ... The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation. "It's simple," he said. "Division of labour. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on." "And you?" "I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on." Years ago' when 100 white men chased 1 black man we called it the Ku Klux Klan, Today we call it the P.G.A. Tour.
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?" Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids.
Q: Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel? A: He tried to jump a steam-roller over fifteen black guys!
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A: Look inside your pants; If you have a penis, it's not time!
A very attractive young woman goes to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her ,the Dr. says "You are in excellent health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they are coming from?" The young woman starts to blush and says "I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style." "Well that should be easy to take care of" the Dr. says. "Surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!" "Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but the dog doesn't!"
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
Q: Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal for gays, called Queerios? A: Just add milk and they eat themselves!
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need in order to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked his finger. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus but licked my index finger?"
A man called in for an audit by the IRS asked for advice on what to wear. His accountant said, "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," His lawyer said, "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel. The man protested, "But reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed."
Proudly showing his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," the man said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall. "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!"Evidence has turned up that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, the league records were lost and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. A famous Viking explorer returned to his village to find his name missing from the civic register. The village clerk apologized profusely. "I must have taken Lief off my census" he explained. Searching for folk remedies in the Amazonian forest, an anthropologist and a bush doctor came upon some ferns the medicine man said were a sure cure for constipation. "With fronds like these," he declared' "who needs enemas?" A man rushes into a doctor's office in panic. "I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking!" he shouts. "Calm down, my man," the doctor replied. "You've got to learn to be a little patient." DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you gotta RAM your ROM... so.. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!! How To Shower Like A Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.Turn off shower.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MANTake off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.Get in the shower.Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)Wash your faceWash your armpitsCrack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.Wash your privates and surrounding area.Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)Make a shampoo Mohawk.Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.Pee (in the shower)Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.Partial dry off.Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.Leave bathroom and fan light on.Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Conversions/units we usually never think of.
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = an Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microScope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, " the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
100 cards = 10 decacards
1000 grams of figs freefalling 50 cm in one second = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogs
5 dialogs = 1 decalog
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
100 Senators = Not 1 decision
one acre is exactly 43,560 square feet & that = a lot of toes

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW.

John is boasting to his buddies that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary. "What will you do for your 50th?" one of his buddies asks."I don't know" he replies. 'Maybe I'll go back and get her!"
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says: "Get out! We don't serve breakfast here!"
Q: What do you call a steel-plated sex toy? A: An armadildo!
Q: Why are the people of New York City always so depressed? A: Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!
A little boy comes home from his first day at school. His father asks him how it went, and the boy says, "We had a spelling bee, but I misspelled the first word." The dad asks, "What was the word?" "Posse," the boy answers. His father exclaims, "No wonder you couldn't spell it - you can't even PRONOUNCE it!" An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys....all on different limbs..at different levels..some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes! A man is flying in a hot air balloon ad realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," says the man, "how did you know?" "Well everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must work in Management." "I do," says the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." He walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind thecounter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'HansOlaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say: 'Sam Ting!'" A visitor came to Israel and saw the Wailing Wall. Not being too versed in religious aspects, he inquired of another tourist about the significance of the wall. The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it, God may hear you." The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray. "Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land." A commanding voice answered, "I will, my son." The visitor said, "Bring prosperity to this land." "I will, my son." "Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord." The voice answered, "You're talking to a wall!" A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here" The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball bat." Man: "That's nice" Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside" Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$25." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here" Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball mitt." Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?" Boy: "$75" Man: "Fine" A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, I can't, I sold them." Father: "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$100" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, I am going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
I AM JEWISH
I am not necessarily a lawyer, doctor or property developer but I do believe the poverty line is $50,000 a year.
I sometimes date non-Jewish girls because I like a blow job now and then.
I don't eat gefilte fish or smoked meat every night.
I prefer Cabernet Sauvignon to Manischewitz but I consider drunkeness strictly a spectator sport.
And I don't only drive Mercedes and BMW. In Florida I rent Toyota.
I don't know Jason, Carol or Sammy from Thornhill,
But if they're under 30 they're probably still at home and doing post-doctorals at York.
I play tennis, squash, golf and softball. . . hockey is for shkootzim.
I enjoy dancing the Hora, despite no real steps, partners or direction.
I can make the "Chh" sound better than any Scotsman.
Torah, Torah, Torah is not a Japanese battle cry.
I proudly go 8 days a year with no bread, one day with no food at all, think New Years in September is normal
but untrimmed dicks are weird.
I will always obey my mother's wishes even when I'm 50.
I believe eating Kosher is proper but screw it, Chinese tastes better.
There are no Greeks, Chinese or Quebecois in the Baseball Hall of Fame, but 3 Jews are.
Many of the best minds ever born, like Einstein, were Jewish, and I can read from right to left, can you?
Israel is the home of the oldest existing people on Earth,
the ONLY country where the weekend is Friday and Saturday,
the FIRST nation of Sabras and indigestion,
and the LAST nation for political harmony (what do you expect, look who runs it).
And the BEST part of the Middle East.
My name is Izzy Schwartz
AND I AM JEWISH!!!!!!

JEWISH
Shalom... I'm not a banker, a devil or an entertainment mogul. I don't control Hollywood. And I don't know Hymie,
Shlomie or Eli from Forest Hill, although I'm certain they're very rich people.
I don't drink beer, I eat.
I believe in huge desert buffets at weddings.
And I pronounce it DINNER, not TAKE-OUT.
I did not kill Jesus, but I heard he was quite the public speaker.
I can proudly boast my knowledge of sports, enter several pools, but cannot name 10 professional Jews in sports.
I have been to Shark City more times than to Synagogue.
And it's pronounced TANNING SALON, not FLORIDA.
Israel is the SMALLEST country to be fought over,
the FIRST nation of kvetching, and the BEST part of U.S. military strategy!!
My name is Jacob!!!
AND I AM JEWISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Jewish mothers were talking about how much their sons love them. The first one says, "My son loves me so much, he spent $100 on flowers he sent me the other day. The second one says, "My son loves me so much, he paid for my trip to Europe last month." The third on says, "My son loves me most. He goes to a therapist twice a week paying $500 a visit, and all he talks about is me!"

Did you hear that one of the Concorde pilots asked the other if he was going home after his shift? Apparently, he said: "No, I'm just gonna crash at the hotel."
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He seeks out a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work, and therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks to himself, "What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to a Lutheran minister, who is, after all, a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same - Sex is work and, therefore, not for the Sabbath! Still not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a learned rabbi, a man of thousands of years' tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then says, " My son, sex is definitely play!" The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly responds, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go. As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead racoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom preparing to make love whena bumble bee entered the bedroom window and flew into the woman’s vagina. She screamed, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local clinic. The doctor on duty thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir." The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!" So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
A dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend," said Mr. Tuckerman, "and when my wife and I came back from the movies, we found them stuck together." "I'll come right over," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time." Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an intrauterine device?" Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Psychiatry and Proctology". The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors". This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds". Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes". Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends” 17 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN (by DAVE BARRY)Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He/She WILL NOT use, as His/Her messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. You should not confuse your career with your life.No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.Never lick a steak knife.Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Your friends love you, anyway. A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!" The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!! Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!'. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you"
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, who disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money." One day this guy, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "it's certainly not a ship" he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says, "man, oh man! Is that ever good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, " Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around? With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and says, "Oh my God, don’t tell me youv’e got a set of golf clubs in there!”
Marriage:Remember Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"In the beginning, God created earth and rested.Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.Why do men die before their wives? They want to.A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying

A toothless termite walks into a bar and says: "is the bar tender here?"

TOP TEN WAYS THE WHITE HOUSE WILL CHANGE WITH LIEBERMAN AS V.P.
10) Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.4) U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday.2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed Carnegie Delhi.

Reprise (Someone else’s top 14 Difference in Campaigning with a Jewish Running Mate...)
14 The convention crowd waits to cheer your nomination until after you step on a glass.13 New campaign slogan: "Next year in Washington!"12 Must work doubly hard to win the neo-Nazi vote.11 "Hey, this way you know at least *one* of us isn't going to hell."10 Two sets of dishes is a great way to double your take at those $1000/plate dinners. 9 The way he introduces your wife as the "future First Shiksa." 8 During his campaign appearances he insists that there be a second podium on stage for Elijah. 7 War room staffers hard at work preparing to respond to any personal shmear campaigns. 6 There goes $250,000 in campaign funds to buy a right-to-left TelePrompTer. 5 Gefilte breath will even keep Sam Donaldson at bay. 4 You can forget about pork-barrel politics. 3 All of his aides keep shaking their heads and asking why he couldn't be on a ticket with a nice doctor or lawyer instead. 2 After a hard day on the trail, kickin' back with some Manischewitz shooters. 1 Goodbye, Bubba -- Hello, Bubbeleh!

One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door his girlfriend says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." "Give me some examples," the guy replies. "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either." "I see," the guy says. "So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?" "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "Oh... Dogs are just like people, aren't they Grandma?" "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. To which the little girl replied: "Offer someone a helping hand, and they screw you every time!"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

ASSPECTSPick an ass, any ass, so long as you don’t pick someone else’s ass!
(_!_) A regular ass
(__!__) A fat ass
(__)(__) A "wide load" ass
(!) A tight ass
(_*_) A sore ass
{_!_} A swishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) Leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_E=mc2_) A smart ass
(_?_) Dumb ass
(_Lame_) Lame ass(_jack_) Jackass(_-$_) Cheap ass(_0_) A Prison ass(_) Half ass(®^®) Registered ass(_____) Lop sided ass(_:_) 2 holed ass(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass(_)(_) Fucked ass()() Ass print on a window( * * ) Ass with dimples(_X X_) A kicked ass(_%_) An average ass(_$_) A rich ass[_!_] A hard ass
A young attorney agreed to meet with an elderly spinster at her home to discuss her estate and the preparation of her will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I Have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, “ I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, a dynamic young preacher raised himself to his full height, leaned over the pulpit, and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."A first grade teacher, in the States, explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What wouldyou be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his." Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers." "I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."

A Polish magician asks for a volunteer from the crowd. As the man steps up on stage, the magician hands him a sledge hammer, saying: "When I lay my head on this block, I want you to hit the top of my head as hard as you can." The volunteer agrees, and as soon as the magician gives the signal, he raises the sledge hammer and brings it down on the magicians head, caving it in! Blood flies everywhere, and fragments of bone and brain splatter the wall behind him! The paramedics are called in and the magician is taken to the hospital where he lay in a coma for ten solid years until one morning, his eyes flutter and his fingers start to wiggle. He seems to be trying to say something! The doctors all rush in and watch as the magician's movements become more pronounced. Finally, with great effort, the magician raises both his arms, opens his eyes, smiles, and says, in a weak and trembling voice: "Ta-daaa..."
A man was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel famous for catering to newlyweds. He had never had sex with her, and indeed, had never even seen her naked. As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts and he told her so. Having a bit of a complex about them, she got very distraught and crying, sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either. When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor. It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two. "What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?" "No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."
An exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane stopped in front of the lovely young lady who was collecting tickets, opened his coat and exposed himself. She said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." A businessman who had his life savings wiped out in the market came home and told his wife, "Honey, I'm absolutely busted, penniless. We have to start all over again." The wife shuddered, saying, "I can't change my way of life; I'd rather be dead." And with that she leaped out of the open window. The newly widowed husband smiled: "Thank you, Paine, Webber..."
I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his Jewish psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream." The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? This is a breakfast by you ?"
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?"
Hadji comes to the United States from Calcutta, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take this bucket, go into the other room, shit in the bucket, piss on the shit, and then put your head down over the bucket and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes." After following the directions to the letter, Hadji comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked. I feel terrific. What was my illness?" The doctor says, "You were homesick." A lady calls the hospital and says, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Dahlink, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information, from top to bottom, from A to Z." The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please? That's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?" She said, "Yes, Dahlink! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber --- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, and her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

Old is when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love", and youanswer, "Honey, I can't do both" Old is when sexual arousal makes your pacemaker cause the garage door to rise..Old is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.Sure I'm old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but....thank God, I still have my driver's license!!
How to Say I Love YouEnglish............................... I Love YouSpanish............................... Te AmoFrench................................ Je T'aimeGerman................................ Ich Liebe DichJapanese.............................. Ai Shite ImasuItalian............................... Ti AmoChinese............................... Wo Ai NiNorwegian..............................Jeg elsker degAlabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Louisiana, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia,Virginia, and Kentucky................ Nice Tits Top Ten Signs Your VP Is A Jew:10. When nominated, the democratic delegates hoist VP in the air on a chair and begins to sing. 9. As soon as the VP finishes his acceptance speech, convention attendees throw candy at the podium and scream "Mazel Tov". 8. Instead of signing Senatorial legislation, simply marks document with a circled K. 7. Cabinet meetings now referred to as "Men's Club meetings". 6. Replaces elite Marine guard unit at White House with mezuzahs and sheep's blood. 5. Renames Air Force 2 "El Al Airlines". 4. Instructs Secret Service limo driver to "drive real slow, then speed up, wear a funny hat, dent other cars and run all red lights." 3. Replaces Camp David retreat with bus trip to the Concord In upstate New York. 2. Sells Vice Presidential limo fleet and replaces it with Chevy Caprice Estate Wagons and Dodge Minivans.and the number one sign your VP is a Jew: 1. When christening a new battleship, replaces age old "break the champagne bottle over the hull" with cutting three inches off the gun turret. The best man at a wedding ceremony notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face as he’s coming down the aisle. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, sweetie, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up,
you look so excited." The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!" A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Q: What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift? A: A box of Assorted Creams!
I used to be a necrophiliac sadist who was into bestiality but I stopped as it was too much like flogging a dead horse.
A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return. Five days later the man returns, a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender asks, "What the hell do you want?" "I'd like a drink", responded the man. "No way, not after your last escapade", snapped the bartender. "But bartender, I'm in training", replied the man. "Training! Training for what?", questioned the bartender. "I'm training to be an airline pilot", responded the man. "An airplane pilot?", questioned the bartender, "How do you figure?" "Well", added the man, "I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy, and then I take five days off!" A fellow lying in the hospital after being the victim of a hit-and-run accident explains to the insurance adjuster, “No, I didn’t get the license number but I can tell you the driver was a very good looking blonde, about a 42 bust, no bra and a see-through blouse.” After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I. I AM "CANADIAN". An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is."Gentlemen!" he says. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me. "So Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker. "She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll tell him.”A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. YOU are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street --responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."An old man decides to go to his high school's 50 year reunion. He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years. "How have you been?" he asks. "Just fine, just fine," she replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you." "Bad news first please." "Well, I had to have surgery for cancer of the uterus about fifteen years back." "Oh, that's terrible," he says. "What's the good news?" She says, "The surgeon found your grad ring!" AND THIS JUST IN FROM THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL - 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Just who's lacking intelligence here?2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ( hellllllloooooooooo !)8. THE GRAND FINALE This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. Did you hear about the blond couple found frozen to death in a Drive-In Theatre? They went to see the movie CLOSED FOR THE WINTER! Q: What's an Australian kiss ? A: Same as a French kiss, only Down Under
Sean Connery, the Pope, and a Buddhist are on a plane, when they hear that the plane is going to crash. There are no parachutes on board. With no other option, the Pope jumps out of the plane, saying, "Lord God save me." The Pope lands on a haystack and walks away. Seeing this, the Buddhist decides to try his luck. He jumps out of the plane, saying, "Save me, Buddha." He also lands on a haystack and walks away. Then Sean Connery jumps out of the plane, saying, "Lord God save me," and lands on a barber.A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right." Q: Did you know that there's a new line of tennis shoes for lesbians? A: DIKE shoes! They have extra-long tongues and you can get them off with one finger!
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Unable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had originally lain. The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is it that blondes put behind their ears to make themselves attractive to men. A: Their ankles
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is having a bad day? A: She has a tampon behind her ear and she’s wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing? A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.
Q: What’s the difference between a BLONDE and the Panama Canal? A: One's a busy ditch,...
Q: Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? A: With a tire gauge.
Then there was the blonde who quipped to the physicist "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to check out a book called "How to Hug" from the library? The librarian informed her she couldn’t check out volume seven of the encyclopaedia!
Then there was the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Did you hear that Benjamin Moore has come out with a new yellow-hued paint called “blonde”. It’s not too bright but it spreads easily! Then there was the blonde who got fired on her first day as a cashier for calling for too many price-checks. Somewhat hurt she said, “Oh well! I didn’t really want to work at the Dollar Store anyway!” A police car pulls over a car that that was going down the street swerving from side to side. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then, I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, looks in the car and says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener." Q: What's worse than a cardboard box? A: Paper tits!
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today’s paper?" The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to put his hand on her privates. "HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. He says. "My mom told me that you do." "No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there." He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to service you personally and see that you get the full treatment, including a manicure." Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?" "Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
Differing viewpoints on how shit happens around the world.
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: ``Shit happens''.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Taoism: Shit happens, so flow with it.
Confucianism: Confucius says: ``If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.''
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.
Hinduism: This shit happening is you.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Islam: Shit happening is Allah's Will.
Existentialism: Shit happening is absurd!
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
New Age: A firm shit does not happen to me.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
Voodooism: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Evangelism: If shit happens, praise the Lord for it!
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Jehovah's Witness: There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Mormon: Hey, there's more shit over here!
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
Unitarianism: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh, shit!
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Nixonism: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
HUSBAND: Honey, let’s try a different position tonight. WIFE: That's a great idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL lie on the sofa and fart. A guy sidles up to a nice looking gal in a bar and asks her name. "Carmen," she replies. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself." she answered. "Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" "Beerfuck."
Be the first in your company to get in the latest game sweeping through boardrooms across the nation. It’s called “BULLSHIT BINGO.” How do you play, you ask. Well, at any company meeting simply tick off any of the following words or phrases as they are used by someone at the meeting. The first person to get 5 phrases shouts out “BINGO!” It’s that easy!

MISSION STATEMENT BALLPARK FIGURE
STRATEGIC FIT GAP ANALYSIS
AT THE END OF THE DAY BOTTOM LINE
LESSONS LEARNT TOUCH BASE
PERCEIVED VALUE CORE BUSINESS
REVISIT GAME PLAN
HARDBALL BANDWIDTH
OUT OF THE LOOP GO THE EXTRA MILE
BENCHMARK THE BIG PICTURE
MOVERS AND SHAKERS PROACTIVE
WIN/WIN SITUATION THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
FAST TRACK MANDARINS
PUSH THE ENVELOPE SLIPPERY SLOPE
MINDSET QUALITY DRIVEN
CLIENT-FOCUSED RAISE THE BAR
DOWNSIZING RESULTS-DRIVEN
EMPOWERMENT TEAMPLAYER
Testimonials from actual players:
“I had only been in the meeting for 5 minutes when I yelled BINGO!”
“My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.”
“It’s now a part of my life!”
“Meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win.”
“ The atmosphere was tense at our last workshop as 32 of us waited for that elusive 5th.”
“The facilitator was aghast as we all screamed BINGO three times in 2 hours!”
“I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis.”
“People are now listening even to mumblers, thanks to BULLSHIT BINGO.”
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. The crew searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and, finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband, dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000.00. Please advise. The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl. Re-bait the trap.
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard replies: "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man answers without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."A rabbi dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that the rebetzin, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a scholar, she accepts. After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath in the mikva the new husband tells the rebetzin: Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the shabbes it was a mitzvah to make sex before going to the synagogue. They do it and when he comes back from shul he tells her: According to my father it is a mitzvah to make sex before lighting the candles. There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her: My grandfather told me that one should always make sex on shabbes night. Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her: My aunt says that a religious Jew always starts the shabbes by having sex. So lets do it. On Sunday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her: Nu, how is the new husband? Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from such a wonderful mishpoche!!! A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?" A young boy had just come home from Hebrew School. His father asked him what he'd learned that day. The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised"; but the answer was still "Yes."
Subject: The Jesus ProofTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK1. He called everybody "brother"2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH1. He went into his fathers business.2. He lived at home until he was 13.3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN1. He talked with his hands2. He had wine with every meal3. He worked in the building trades.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN1. He never cut his hair2. He walked around barefoot3. He started a new religion.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH1. He never got married2. He was always telling stories3. He loved green pastures.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN1. He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice, when there was no food.2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. Doctor's stories-You can't make this stuff up. Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction:A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, Why, not for about twenty years- when my husband was alive." Q: What's the square root of 69? A: Ate Something!Q: What is 6.9? A: A good thing ruined by a period! Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?A: A huddle!
I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw that my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.
Men bashing jokes
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common? A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common? A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Things you need to know…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig) (How 'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmmm...................) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of....?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research???)Polar bears are left handed. (who knew....?who cares?...How'd they find, out, ask them?) (Does that mean that they'll die faster?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes....can you imagine???? And why pigs?) A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the .........) (Well, at least pigs get a break there.....) Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(In my next life I still want to be a pig....quality over quantity)Butterflies taste with their feet. (Aw geez, that's almost as bad as catfish)An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) After reading all these, all I can say is......lucky pigs! THE TOP 20 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS OPEN20. The cucumber has left the salad.19. I can see the gun of Navarone.18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.17. You've got Windows on your laptop.16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!9 . Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!5 . You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."4 . Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?... and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..1 . Men are From Mars, and I Can See Your Penis Q: Why do women prefer Russian sailors?
A: Because they're not scared to go down, will bang away for hours, don't mind lying on the wet spot and are still stiff ten days later!
Then there was the young fellow and his date, who, overcome by desire while driving, pulled over in a residential neighbourhood and hopped into the back seat to satisfy their sexual proclivities. They were surprised when one of the local constabulary knocked on the back window and presented them with a ticket – for doing 69 in a 35-mph zone!
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. So now it’s confirmed, the higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.Exercise...Is it worth it?It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she isThe only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least:I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Three male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. They fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three slobbering suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." The Poodle said "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever who says "Um.I HATE liver and cheese," That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.” She says and turning to the last of the three dogs says, "How about you, little guy?"So the Taco Bell Chihuahua gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine." Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample." The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. " The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample." She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references." A businessman from Boston has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and go sit by the edge of the ocean, open the Bible and let the wind will the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told and is astounded at the results. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his sage advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11". A guy gets home late one night and shows his wife a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. She says, "What the hell were you thinking? Why would you do such a thing? He said, "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow... Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she says to Mr. Goldstein, "please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "I thought you told me your penis had died?" "It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing." A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No, her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighs and shakes his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replies, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it." The story of a woman who just turned 47 years old.When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was noPassion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy witha zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was tooemotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. after a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father." "In fact, I don't think it's likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes it is, Sister. "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."AND IT WAS SOGod created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dawn to dusk, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." and the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so !!
The Rabbi rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved.The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet.Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.WEDDINGS1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and he immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT,DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" Here's a little part of US history which makes you go h-m-m-m. Have a history teacher explain this????....If they can.... Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy'. Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a garage in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro is.... Top of the morning to you etc., etc. Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey Son?" says the attendant. They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods. "What're they for?" enquires the Cork man "They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods "Jaysus", says the man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fuckin' everyting!!!" How to Impress a ClientI was in the airport VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me, but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at mewhen I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later, while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" to which I replied "Fuck off,Gates; I'm in a meeting." Four guys go golfing. Waiting to tee off the following conversation took place:First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."They were about to tee off when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she says, "Wear your sweater." What I learned in Hebrew School... These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in). ----
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went upon Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman? A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up! Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were about to be electrocuted. The first man, when asked for a last request, replied, "I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. The other man, when asked, said "Please, kill me first." An 83year-old man told his wife he was going to get some of those new Viagra pills. She said, "Well, I’d better come with you. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
An 83-year-old woman decided that she had seen and done everything, and the time had come for her to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned a doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. He replied, "Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"
A jazz musician finds an old lamp, rubs it and, as you'd expect, a genie pops out and offers to grant him three wishes. "Maaaan, that is so cool!" exclaims the jazzer. "I jus' wanna be in the groove, uptight an' outta sight!" So the genie turns him into a tampon.A guy browsing in a pet shop spots a parrot with no feet or legs sitting on a little perch. . He says, “Look at that poor bastard with no legs!” The parrot replies, “Watch what you say. I am handicapped.”The fellow, taken aback, says, “You can understand every word I say?” The parrot replies, ”Yes. I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. The parrot says, “I would be the perfect companion for you." The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one of his wings. "You could get me for $20 --just make an offer." Well, he does just that and takes the parrot home and he is the perfect companion, funny, sympathetic and sage. One day, the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," The fellow goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, " says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. I don't know," says the Parrot, "I fell off my perch." WARNING, THE CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL :May make you think you are whispering when you are not.Is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.May cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.May cause you to thay shings like thish.May lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.May leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.May cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).Is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.May create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.May lead you to believe you are invisible.May lead you to think people are laughing with you.May cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.May actually cause pregnancy... A man shows his wife a pack of Olympic condoms that come in three colours - gold, silver and bronze. He says, “I think I’ll wear the gold tonight. She replies, “Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change." Q: What's the difference between a man and a hog? A: A hog doesn't need to drink a case of beer before he'll fuck a pig! Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck and you can talk!" "Yup," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?" Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." Each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.
Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of money out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "What the fuck would a circus want with a brick layer?" A nurse working the night shift in a hospital passes by the morgue and sees a body covered with a sheet with a tent in the middle. On pulling back the sheet she sees the most enormous erection she has ever seen. Not wanting to let such a thing go to waste, she disrobes and gives it a ride. She was just getting buttoned up when another nurse comes in and wants to know what is going on. The first nurse says “ I just had a ride on that thing and I would suggest you take advantage of a good thing while you can. The other nurse says, “It is very tempting, but it’s the wrong time of the month.” The first nurse says, “He isn’t going to complain. Go on!” So the other nurse also gives it a go. She is just straightening herself up when all of a sudden the body moves and the fellow opens up his eyes. The nurses scream, “We thought you were dead!” He replies, “Well, I still would be if it wasn’t for you two ladies. Thanks for the two jump-starts and the blood transfusion!” A guy strikes up a conversation with a hot looking hooker on the strip in Las Vegas. He asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" and the hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Did you hear about the woman who took viagra during her pregnancy? She gave birth to a baby boy.......7 pounds, 8 inches

Words of wisdom accredited to George Dubya"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."-- Texas Gov. George W. Bush, presidential candidate."Food on the family." -- George W. Bush listing one of the priorities of his future administration.
"This is Preservation month. I appreciate preservation. This is what you do when you run for president. You've got to preserve." -- George W. Bush to several hundred children at an elementary school in Nashua that was celebrating what it called Perseverance Month (not Preservation Month). "Is your children learning?" -- George W. Bush on education. "Some people have too much freedom." -- George W. Bush "The Grecians." -- George W. Bush on Greek people. "What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society." -- George W. Bush, meaning to say "balkanize," not "vulcanize" -- we think -- and something about quotas (Austin American-Statesman 3/23/99)."Sitting down and reading a 500-page book on public policy or philosophy or something." -- George W. Bush when asked to name something he isn't good at (Talk magazine, September 1999)."Please! Don't kill me." -- George W. Bush to Larry King, mocking what Karla Faye Tucker said when asked "What would you say to Governor Bush?" prior to her execution by lethal injection (as reported by Talk magazine, September 1999)."Tell them I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made." -- George W. Bush
"Just make sure you put in there, 'He was real tired, too." -- George W. Bush on the press reporting his verbal miscues. These are actual test answers from children from various schools.Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toflow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.SOCIOLOGYQ: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.BIOLOGYQ: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heartand lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.Q: What is the Fibula? A : A small lie.Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airportQ: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.ENGLISHQ: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.TECHNOLOGYQ : What is a turbine? A : Something an Arab wears on his head.RELIGIONQ: What is a Hindu? A : It lays eggs. NFL HumourWhat do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Kansas City ChiefsWhat do you call a 350-pound Packer fan? Anorexic.What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring? A thief.Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado? Soldier Field. They never get a touchdown there.Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche. A couple were driving along a highway. The wife says: "I want a divorce." The husband accelerates. "I'm seeing your best friend!" she says, and again, the husband accelerates. "He's much better in bed than you are!" she says, and again, the husband accelerates. "I want the car, the house and the kids!" she says, as the husband begins to steer the car along the yellow line. "I want the credit cards and all the money in the bank account!" she says. At this point, they are travelling at about 135 mph, and the husband aims straight at a concrete pillar of a bridge. Just before impact, the wife says: "Isn't there anything YOU want?" "No," replies the husband, "I have everything I need." "What do you have?" she asks. "The air bag!"
Two Newfies filled up with gas at a station that offered the chance to win free SEX with every fill-up. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant explained "If you can guess the number I'm thinking between 1-10, you win free SEX." So the Newfie said " I Guess 7" "Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two returned to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one Newfie asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2" said the Newfie. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. Come back soon and try again. As the two Newfies were walking back to the car, one said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other Newfie, "My wife won twice last week."
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So, they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. Soon, they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures... the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He casually pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it down on the ground, and measures it from end to end. Then, he gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has left, one manager turns to the other and laughs, "Isn't that just like an engineer... we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling will be expekted to reach the stage where more complikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaning "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be no trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER WHEN . . .A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.Dialing long distance wears you out.The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.The gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.You feel like the morning after, yet you haven't even been anywhere.You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery plots.You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.You go to visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency room staff comes toward you with a wheelchair.You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.You look in the mirror and see one of your parents.You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.
Your favourite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."
Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.
Medical Humour
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him: "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they go to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear "PRICECHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "IS THAT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???" TOP TEN ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message:
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back! An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water? The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with our robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India." "Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's full of poor, dirty people." "I vont to go to India." "But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?" "I vont to go to India." The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India, and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending line of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru. "Dotz OK." Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say SIX words to the guru. "Fine." She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holiest she is once again reminded: "Remember, just SIX words." Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sheldon, I'm your mother. Come home." Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind? Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton.
Why? - Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling, that curse of country and western music, began?...Not really? Well, you are going to find out! Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well, as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that handsome man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she come back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that's how yodeling began!!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently irritated the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
Q: What do you call two gay guys named Bob doing 69 to each other? A: Oral Roberts!
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's life?" "How's life?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to a dirt poor family, had a hard upbringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse." "Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such terrible things, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.""Thank you!" the woman exclaimed. The next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, dude! Our prayers have finally been answered!"
A couple had driven several miles down a country road without saying a single word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband responded, "Inlaws."
The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer. The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana." The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word." The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo-choo." The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word." Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book. "What book did you read?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." A fire fighter is working on the Engine outside the station when he notices a little boy on the sidewalk with a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter says, "Hey, little partner, what are you doing?" The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire Truck." The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks, mister," the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little guy," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!"
Maybe you’ve heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa!
A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. "What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant. "I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively. "Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?" The little fella sobs, “Big dicks and vodka".
One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked through it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute."Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Very interesting informationWhat occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.
Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? Skinny dipping.What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show? No theme song/music.Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. This is called propinquity.Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession.More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their hands. Women 80% - Men 55%What do 100% of all lottery winners do? Gain weight.In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favourite smell. Banana.If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand.What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. Change their underwear.This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A kiss.This is the only food that doesn't spoil. Honey.
There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. Father's Day.What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear underwear.What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide? A fart.About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting? Flush the toilet.What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"? Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. Cheating on their wives.
Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? A: Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog up there.Two Jewish mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?" "To tell you the truth, my Abie has married a slut! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Psha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant." "And Esther?" "Ah! Esther has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice expensive restaurant."
An elderly Jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other and longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up the phone. Frantic, the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Miami immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone too, turns to hi wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Rosh Hashanah. Now what do we tell them for Passover?"

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of heaven... "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and leader of the free world." "Oh...Mr. President! What may I do for you?" "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says Saint Peter. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full sexual relations. And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly and declares, "Okay, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Researchers release a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium and announces the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss! The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
Mrs. Cohen calls the local newspaper and enquires how much funeral notices cost. "Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response. "Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.'" "I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes his telegram: "Bow wow wow, bow wow wow." The clerk says, "You can add another 'bow wow' for the same price." "But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out, but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming. Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks, and I'll stop being bad!" Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing and I'll stop being bad!" Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time: "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress." Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo, so he pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, understanding that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their heart breaks when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to people with whom you come into contact. Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi-cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before. "No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. "This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!" "There is one other thing," the driver said. "What is that?" "Your name is on the front of your suitcase."In the beginning was the Plan.And then came the Assumptions.And the Assumptions were without form.And the Plan was without substance.And darkness was upon the face of the workers.And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks!"And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."And the Directors spake among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.And the Plan became Policy.And this is how shit happens. Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It’s not looking good, Dick."
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Signs that you've had too much of the computer age.You try to enter your password on the microwave.You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbour yet this year.
A fabulously wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was just my mistress." The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!" "I understand," replies her husband, "but remember our prenuptial agreement... if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Cadillac or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Did you hear about the gay gentleman who went into a butcher shop and asked for 5 pounds of salami? The butcher asked him if he wanted it sliced. So the gay man replied: "Does my ass look like a piggy bank to you?!"
A Young Jackaroo in the outback of Queensland was out checking some cattle fences in his good old Auzzie EJ Holden ute, when he hit something. He radioed the station for advice. "There's a pig stuck in the bull bars. he's still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said. "Okay," said his station manager. "Behind the back of the seat there's a 303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later the young jackaroo called in again, "Hey boss, did what ya said to do, I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on." "Why not?" Asked the station manager. "What's the fucking problem?" "Well it's his motorbike.... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch!"
A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team. Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. They were dressed in their white gowns. They came into the chapel where the mother superior was waiting for them for the ceremony to marry them to G-d. In front of them on the table were the four rings. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Hassidic men with the yarmulkes, pais and long beards came in and sat in the front row. The mother superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us but do you mind if I ask you why you came?" "We're from the groom's side."

Points to ponderHow do you get off a non-stop flight?How do you write zero in Roman numerals?If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already here?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in a biology class." A Successful Man Is One Who Makes More Money Than His Wife Can Spend.
A Successful Woman Is One Who Can Find Such A Man.To Be Happy With A Man, You Must Love Him A Little And Understand Him A Lot.To Be Happy With A Woman You Must Love Her A Lot And Not Try To Understand Her At All.Men Wake Up As Good-Looking As They Went To Bed. Women Somehow Deteriorate Overnight.Any Married Man Should Forget His Mistakes. There's No Use In Two People Remembering The Same Thing.A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument. A new employee was counting money rapidly. The bank president was impressed and asked, "Where did you learn your math?" The employee said, "Yale." "That's good. And what is your name?" "Yohnson."
Bumper Stickers 2000It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.Honk If You Love Rear End Collisions!You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.The Earth Is Full - Go Home.So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.Honk If Anything Falls Off.Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.Body by Nautilus; brain by MattelBoldly going nowhereHonk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car windowIf you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bulletsWARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunitionHeart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

R-Rated Bumper StickersConstipated people don't give a shit.Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.If you drink, don't park...accidents cause people.Who lit the fuse on your tampon?If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.Please tell your pants its not polite to point.If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.Thank you for pot smoking.To all you virgins...thanks for nothing.Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
Horn broken...watch for finger.It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
After a day fishing a Newfie is walking from the pier carrying two large fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks to see his fishing license. The Newfie says, "I didn’t catch these fish, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these two fish jump out and I take them for a walk and then return them to the water." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Newfie says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water." The Newfie says, "What fish?"

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS1. You! Off my planet!!2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.5. And your cry-baby whiny whiny opinion would be...?6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.7. Allow me to introduce my selves.8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.13. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you weren't asleep.14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away.16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?17. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.22. Earth is full. Go home.23. Is it time for your medication or mine?24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?25. How do I set a laser printer to stun.26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.28. Your village called, their idiot is missing.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself. "Well, Your Honour," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly!"
"My fiancee told me the rule of thumb on how much to spend on an engagement ring was two months' salary. So I moved to Haiti for a couple months, made a buck eighty. Nice plywood ring - no knots. I sanded it myself." - Barry Kennedy"I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan and they pulled a real attitude with me. Apparently, they won't accept the voices in my head as references." - Steve Altman"Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say 'Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.'" - Rita Rudner"Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts." - UnknownThe difference between British and Americans is: Americans think a hundred years is a long time, and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.Remember, Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards, and in high heels.Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Did you hear that next week Tipper Gore is going on the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband. To prepare herself, she shaved off all the hair from her private parts. She will now sit on the stage with him and have her legs apart without any panties on. What is her message? "Read my lips: No more Bush!"
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in? "Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse!"

A druggist remarks to an elderly man that he is amazed that he buys two dozen condoms every week. The fellow says, “Well, it’s not what you think. I feed them to my poodle so that his doodoo comes out already in plastic bags!”

“Hello, this is the incontinence hotline. Can you hold please!”

A pirate is showing off his new earrings to his first mate. He says. “Look what I got for only two dollars.” The fellow replies, ”Pretty good for a buck an ear!”

A bunch of Newfies in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" asked the clerk. The Newfie replied, "Um, I'll have to check with the rest of the boys." He went out to his truck and within a few minutes returned to the clerk stating, "Yep, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright," replied the clerk. "How long do you need them?" He stood there scratching his head while pondering this question and replied, "Well, a long time. We're gonna build a house!"

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the newlywed we just passed.""Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she wins, again he drives her home and again she showed her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned, dinner for two at a fancy candlelit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!"Subject: NEWFIE COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter2. Log off - Don't add no more wood3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season11. Byte - What the black flies do12. Bit - What the black flies did13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season14. Chip - Munchies for TV15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes24. Web - What a spider makes25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling26. Cursor - Someone who swears27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods30. Upgrade - Steep hill31. Server - waitress32. Mail Server - male waitress 33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground--better luck next weekMcDonald's Job ApplicationThis is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTINGUP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot lastnight.
QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSECarl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiotproof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? JaneDear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? LucyDear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? AnitaDear GOD Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. JaneDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. JoyceDear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. BruceDear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. RaphaelDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. SamDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. NanDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey D.Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, DonnaTHE PARACHUTE PARADIGM:You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multiengine aircraft under code red conditions.Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.Advertiser: you striptease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death. An old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says, "Catch some chickens." The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks." The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy says, "It's a pussy willow." The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant asked. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from his Africa trip. Apparently, he picked up a strange, life-threatening disease in one of the villages. He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He went under the knife in the early morning, and when he awoke, he saw that the curtains were closed around him, and it was dark. "Why are the curtains closed?" the President asked the secret service agent sitting beside his bed. "Is it night already?" "No, sir," the agent said. "There is a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and looking out the window and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful." Al Gore's famous quotes! "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Al Gore "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."-Vice President Al Gore "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." --Vice President Al Gore "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." –Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." --Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared'." --Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." --Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."-Vice President Al Gore "The future will be better tomorrow." Vice President Al Gore "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." --Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Al Gore "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." --Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." -- Vice President Al Gore "Public speaking is very easy." -Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." --Vice President Al Gore "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Al Gore "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. --Al Gore"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." --Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." –Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97"For NASA, space is still a high priority." --Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."--Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make." --Vice President Al Gore"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."-Vice President Al Gore "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Al Gore "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Al GoreAND, OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE: "As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet" --AL Gore to Katie Couric 3/99
Quotes from Women about Women The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73) I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Brombeck Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry. -Sally Forth Last Sunday a gay guy decided to go to church. At a certain point in the service, the offertory plate came around and, feeling expansive, our gay friend dropped a hundred-dollar bill into it. When the offertory plates were brought up to the minister he noticed this large bill and, wondering who could have been so generous, asked whomever had contributed the hundred dollars to please stand up. Up stood our gay pal, and the minister told him, "Sir, since you have given so generously, you may choose the next three hymns. "Quickly the flamer looked around and called back, "I'd like him, him and him!"
Did you hear the one about the son of an Arab man and a Mexican mother? He made a fortune when he invented Oil of Olay!Bumper stickers (some old, some new) If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition.How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?The Earth Is Full -- Go Home.I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.So Many Pedestrians -- So Little Time.Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible AdultIf We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.Illiterate? Write For Help.Honk If Anything Falls Off.Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.You! Out Of The Gene Pool!Fight Crime: Shoot Back!Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 m.p.h. Are Also Timed For 70 m.p.h.If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.Cat: The Other White Meat.You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [seen upside down, on a Suzuki Samurai].Boldly Going Nowhere. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband keeps asking me to perform oral sex on him.A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Dear Mr. Abby:Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
And since turnabout is fair play…1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (Because they are plugged into a genius.)2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (They don't have time)3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (They don't stop for directions)4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS? (Because they don't have penises to put them in)6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON? (They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them)7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapour lock)8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE? (It is sex with someone they love)9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE? (So he can tell if he's coming or going)12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (Nobody knows, since it has never happened
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper."
When the air traffic controllers went on strike in 1980, who was called in to take their place? Why, Herve Villechaize and Bob Barker, of course. Tattoo would point to the sky and yell, "De plane! De plane!" Bob Barker would yell, "Come on down!"
JOIN THE FERTILIZER CLUB - FREE! This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighbourhood.Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave. Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbour. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
A fellow had told all of his buddies about the great steak he had eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited hungrily for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they had ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed chap said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here, you served me a BIG juicy steak. Today, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign! Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." On an electrician’s truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push." At an optometrists office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a counsellors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the front pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge, "What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be verypainful . . . my Dad had tennis elbow once!"
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
A farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper starts to lecture him and throw his weight around. Finally, he gets around to writing the ticket, but he keeps having to swat at the flies buzzing around his head.The farmer says: "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stops writing the ticket and says: "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says: "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."The trooper says: "Hey, wait a minute. Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says: "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass. "The trooper says: "Good," and goes back to writing the ticket. "Hard to fool them flies, though..." says the farmer.

In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca label. Henry Busse had a hot hit titled, "Hot Lips." A lady heard the record on the radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the record shop and called them. Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she got "Hank's Auto Body." She said, "Do you have 'Hot Lips' on a ten-inch Decca?" Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, "Well, uh, ma'am, no, but I do have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!" A slight pause. The lady said, "Is that a record?" "I don't know, ma'am, but it's a damned good average."
A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU?"Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.11. WHY DO MEN SAY, "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, lets a ripper of a fart... and says: "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
This Just In... Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than originally expected, the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load all at once. Therefore, Liberals are requested to vote on Monday, November 27, and Alliance, Conservative, NDP et al on Tuesday, November 28. Please pass this message along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.

Reading habits 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run thecountry but don't understand the Washington Post. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandulous. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country. 27 Things Real Men Would Never Say 1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool Son of a Bitch 2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow. 3. Her boobs are just too big. 4. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. I am just too tired to have sex again today! 6. Sure! I'd love to wear a condom. 7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally McBeal. 9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home. 10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons ?? 11. Are you losing weight sweetie ?? 12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist. 13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again. 14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are always open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her. 15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn. 16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them anymore. 17. I understand. 18. This movie has way too much nudity. 19. Damn, we're late for church! 20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts. 21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue. 22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake. 23. Eat something!! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!! 24. Don't pick that up, I got it. 25. Happy Anniversary!!! 26. Hey, isn't today your mothers birthday?? 27. Let's talk, I miss talking.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University: It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you!". He turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you!", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Mondaymorning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride's andbest man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this?Elegant wedding for 300 family and guest....$32,000Photographers for the wedding .....$3,000Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks.......$8,500The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex ......Priceless

Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: has to work hard has to work at great depths has to work upside-down has no ventilation or air-conditioned work environment has to work in a high humidity environment with odors has to work at hot temperatures does not get weekends or holidays off does not get time off after extra hours of work has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply: "Request denied for the following reasons" does not work 8 hours straight during any work period does not respond immediately to any requests coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance falls asleep after a short period of activity shows no evidence of loyalty at the workplace works better alone than with others does not work at all unless pushed from behind does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work sometimes leaves work too early The Top Ten Men!The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"The Mailman because he always delivers his package.The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEKCOVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMPBEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKERDON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLYWHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUTDON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONERYOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONGIF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEYIF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZEIT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETERSHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICKIF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEATWHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENISWHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSEESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBERNEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKERDONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOLTHE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTIONWRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OILA CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HERNO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

A man calls his wife from work to tell her he’s just been involved in an industrial accident and that he lost a finger. She says, “Oh my god. Not the whole finger.” He says,” No, the one beside it!”Wanna see my sore finger? (Yes, the whole finger!)
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More thoughts ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. --English Professor, Ohio University ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON HUMILITY To err is human; to moo, bovine. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk. --Steven King ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead. ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. --Dorothy Parker ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her. "Are you alright?" he asks her. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything," she says. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up,?" he asks. "Oh No!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well!!!" A doctor stops a blond nurse and asks, "Why do you always have that red marking pen in your pocket?" She replies, "That's in case I have to draw blood."
Top 10 Games for old people 10. SAG! YOU'RE IT! 9. PIN THE TOUPEE ON THE BALD GUY 8. 20 QUESTIONS SHOUTED IN YOUR GOOD EAR 7. KICK THE BUCKET 6. RED ROVER RED ROVER, THE NURSE SAYS BEND OVER 5. DOC DOC GOOSE 4. SIMON SAYS SOMETHING INCOHERENT 3. MUSICAL RECLINERS 2. SPIN THE BOTTLE OF MYLANTA AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS ... 1. HIDE AND GO PEE
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day- so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"Memo from GodI am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it. If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!Should you decide to send this to a friend; You might brighten someone's day!
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.
The two major presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.
Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a healthy lunch, all three decide to visit the men's room. They find a strange looking gent sitting at the entrance who says: "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our latest feature -- a Magic Mirror. If you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a wish come true. But be warned - if you say something FALSE, you will be sucked into the Mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity." Undeterred, they enter, and approaching the Mirror, Ralph Nader says, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three." In a flash he is surrounded by a pile of money. Al Gore steps up and says, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three," and suddenly the key to a luxurious new Cadillac appears in his hand. Excited over the possibility of having his wish come true, George W. looks in the Mirror and says, "I think..." He is instantly sucked into the void.
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
THE SENILITY PRAYER (I may have sent this before but I’m not sure – reference #4 below)God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.. 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening when the local constabulary pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighbourhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's.
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband!" The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off," he says. "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "O.K., one more chance' says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV. "What's the matter, love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off," she yells. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all," she screams. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the television back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."
Unsure of how to evaluate that prize employee? Let the British Royal Navy show you how! The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not breed from this Officer. - This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. - He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. - Technically sound, but socially impossible. - This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. - This young lady has delusions of adequacy. - When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. - This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. - Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. - She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. - He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. - This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. - In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. - The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. - Only occasionally wets himself under pressure. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. - This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much. I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor. Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office. Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose Dear Rose, So would I. Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess Dear Bess, Night and day.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The Dr came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
English comedian John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, was asked to describe the difference between British and American people. In reply Cleese said that there were three basic differences from the British viewpoint: 1. "We speak English and you don't." 2. "When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well." 3. "When you meet the head of state in Great Britain, you only have to go down on one knee."
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" "But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock. "What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!" The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!" My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. . . They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty." With more and more papers being declassified, some light has just been shed on the real reason the Israelis won the Six-Day War. It seems all the equipment was rented for one week.
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." When the young boy was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered... so he asked his little brother to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. The little brother grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important... put your hand back on his head!" To which the little boy exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?" There were these two alte maidel shvesters, both virgins. It's Saturday night & Sadie looks at Molly & says, "Ich vilt nish shtarben a virgin....... Ich gayen arum & ich nish kimpt ahaim until I've been shtupped!" Molly says "vell make sure you are home by 10 so I don't worry about you." Ten o'clock rolls around & there is no sign of Saydie .... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock.... finally about 1:15 the front door flies open. In comes Saydie & she heads straight for the bathroom. Molly goes & knocks on the door. "do bist goot, Saydie?" No answer so she opens the door & there sits Saydie with her panties around her ankles, legs sishprait, & her head stuch between her legs looking in her "knish". "Vas is de mair, Saydie?" "Vat's wrong?" asks Molly. "Molly. it vuz 10 inches long ven it vent in ... and 5 inches ven it kimpt out. Ven I find the other half, you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favourite method of eating Oreos. 1. The whole thing all at once. 2. One bite at a time. 3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards. 4. In little feverish nibbles. 5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee, etc.). 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. 10. I don't have a favourite way because I don't like Oreos. Your Personality: 1. The whole thing - This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree, with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time. - You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal. 3. Slow and Methodical. - You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal-retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going the speed limit.
4. Feverish Nibbles. - Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked. - Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugarcoat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity toward narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. - You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behaviour. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. - You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's okay, you don't care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. - You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them - Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help -- immediately. 10. I don't have a favourite way; I don't like Oreo cookies. - You probably come from a rich family and like to wear nice things and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
The Smith family, proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, hired a respected author to research and ghost-write a book about their family history. Horror of horrors! They discovered that great Uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated. They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either. The ghost-writer said, "Leave it to me." When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this: "He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
HER STORY He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate, where we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant, and he was still acting a bit funny. I was trying to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him and he said no. I wasn't convinced. In the cab back to his house, I said that I loved him, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell this meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place, and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said that I was going to sleep. After about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. He still seemed really distracted, so afterward, I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? HIS STORY Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid, though.
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?" Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie." The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu." Gore leans and says, "It's pronounced "quiche."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore were taking a shower at the gym after a strenuous exercise. Bill looked down at Al's dick and was shocked at how big it was. "My GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd you get it that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every night, I whack it three times against the bedpost," he answered proudly. "Well, I'll have to try that," Bill said. So that night, when Bill got home, Hilary was already in bed, half asleep. Bill took out his dick and thumped three times against the bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump. Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in bed. "Al, is that you?" she asked.
Q: How do make an election ballot that won't confuse the Palm Beach senior citizens?A: Print it on a Bingo card! Then give them a second one just in case they don't win with the first!
A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?" The man answers.. "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
A salesman’s car broke down late one night near a farmhouse. The farmer greeted him heartily, gave him a nice meal and good conversation. When it was time for bed the farmer gave the salesman his choice of sleeping in the barn or sharing a bed with the baby. Not wanting to sleep with a child the salesman went to the barn. After a rough night’s sleep the salesman was awoke to see a beautiful woman of about twenty with large breasts, long blonde hair and a voluptuous ass. "Who are you?" he asked. She replied, “I'm the baby and may I ask who you are?” The salesman replied. "I'm the fucking idiot who slept in the barn!!"
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS... They're only good for one period and have no second string!
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!”
A man walks up to an ice cream stand that advertises every flavour ice cream in the world. He says, "I’d like two scoops of pussy flavoured ice cream.” The man behind the counter says, “Absolutely sir! Coming right up!” The fellow takes the cone and gives it a few good licks and says, “Man, this tastes like shit!” The guy behind the counter says, “Who asked you to take such long licks?”
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals. Clever Things to RememberLove is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.Amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.I am having an out of money experience.It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
When Mrs. Cohen was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of her preparations, she went to see her doctor to get all of her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded, "Mrs. Cohen, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" She looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99!”
.A rabbi who was very impressed with a hypnotist’s act, decided to hire him to try to bring in a crowd to the somewhat beleaguered Saturday service. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocketwatch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch.Vatch the vatch." The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch the vatch," thehypnotist continued. Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Shit!" he cried. Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

Santa Answering Letters on Truth Serum
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I've ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger - at least HE can spell! Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, son? Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some,G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum, kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in myface. You want to kiss my ass? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, Where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news." Bill said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you."
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside (sorry Martin).
Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Lexus? A. The Lexus has it’s plicks on the inside.
Greatest new invention - the vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV. and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
Q: What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? A: At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer." So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!" The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
Q: What is the definition of an overbite? A: When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit. A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I'll explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, then fell to the floor with a heart attack. The medic asked what had triggered the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, and two without."

In honour of George W. Bush’s electoral victory the Chinese government has already created a new dish: Won Dum Goy

I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across George W. Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer……………………………………………………Which lens would you use? Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy." The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents some holly, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "Easy," he grins, "They're Carol's."

You know you're living in the 00's when: -1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line. 8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.14. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net. 26 This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information isconfidential, but you forward anyway.

One old Texan asks another, ”Did you know Pancho Villa? The chap says, "Let me tell you a story. I was on my horse and Pancho rode up to me, pulled out his pistol, aimed it right between my eyes and said, 'Get off of your horse.' So I get off of my horse. Then he said, 'Pull off your pants'. So I pull off my pants. Then he tells me, 'Take off your underwear.' So I take off my underwear. Then you know what he said? He says, 'Eat your shorts, skidmarks and all!' So I did and Pancho started laughing so hard he drops his gun. I ran up to his horse and grabbed the pistol from the ground. And I said, 'Pancho Villa, get down off your horse.' So he did. Then I said, 'Pancho Villa, pull off your pants'. So he did that. Then I said, 'Pancho Villa, take off your underwear.' So he did that too. Then I said, 'Pancho Villa, eat your shorts!' and he did. AND YOU ASK ME IF I KNOW HIM? HELL, WE HAD LUNCH TOGETHER!!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen. . .(including Olive – the other reindeer!) had to be a girl. We should've known.....Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit with bags of gifts all around the world in one night, and not get lost....
Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along. Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat." An excited Little Johnny agreed. Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."
A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy says, "Well, yes I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?" The clerk says, "Well, no." The guy asks, "Well, why did you ask if I was Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store!"

Bill Clinton comes stumbling to bed at 2 AM, stinking drunk. Hilary immediately starts in saying: "You've been out having sex again, haven't you?" Bill protests, “Absolutely not! So Hilary says: "What about that lipstick on your shirt?" To which he replies: "That's easy - I just used it to wipe off my dick!"
High school classmates of Monica Lewinsky are reported to be "unsurprised" at her elevation to global notoriety. Apparently, in her final year she was voted "Girl Most Likely To Suck Seed In Politics".
Q: How do you turn a washing machine into a snowplow? A: Give her a shovel.
A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind." The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A: The first couple of times you cough, it’s not your phlegm...
A fellow goes into a supermarket and buys a tin of beans, a bag of potato chips, a pack of burgers, a tub of ice-cream, a cheesecake, a yoghurt and a pint of milk. The checkout girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. He says sarcastically, "Yes. How ever did you guess?" The girl replies, "Well, you're such an ugly bastard!”

Sometimes nostalgia IS what it used to be! (restricted to those 40 and over)
Let's go back . . Close your eyes . . . and go back . . Before the Internet or the MAC, Before semi automatics and crack Before chronic and indo Before SEGA or Super Nintendo Way back . . . I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. Sittin' on the porch, Hot bread and butter. The ice cream man, Simon Says, Kick the Can, Red light, Green light. Lunch Boxes with a Thermos . . . that broke, Chocolate milk, Lunch tickets, Penny candy from the corner store, Hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, Dixie peach and Bonnie Doon socks, Mother May I? Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds (shemishkas), Whist and Old Maid and Crazy Eights Wax lips and mustaches, Mary Janes, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom, Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Crusader Rabbit, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty . . . all in black & white. Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar, Playin slingshot When around the corner seemed far away, And going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Bedtime, climbing trees, making forts . . . Coaster made from orange crates and an old skate, Backyard shows, Lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Sittin' on the curb, Staring at clouds, Jumpin' down the steps, Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights, "company", Ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Mary Martin as "Peter Pan", Jackie Gleason as "the poor soul", White gloves, walking to church (shul), walking to the library Being tickled to death Running till you were out of breath Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt Being tired from playin' . . . Remember that? Not steppin' on a crack . . . or you'll break your mother's back . . .the smell of paste, buck bags and Evening in Paris, Canoe, Old Spice ... Crowding around in a circle for the 'after school fight', then running when the teacher came. What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting . . . who dotted her "i's" with hearts?? Bob parties, slam books, The Stroll, popcorn balls, the ice skating shack & hay rides. Remember when . . . When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyer) and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym" with those great blue and white gym uniforms. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday and wore high heels. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When pizza wasn't delivered . . . When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . . and did! When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the gym and you danced to an orchestra, and all the girls wore pastel gowns and the boys wore dinner jackets and paid for dinner. When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car to cruise the strip, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home. No one ever had a key. And you had to climb in through the milkbox! And lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a . . ." And playing baseball on the empty corner lot with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Then . . . baseball was not a psychological group learning experience, it was a game. Remember when stuff from the market came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And . . . with all our progress . . . don't you just wish . . . just once. . . you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's . . . So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Trixie Belden, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery . . The Lone Ranger, The Shadow knows . . ., Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk . . .as well as the sound of a rotary mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, treasure hunts, baseball games, bowling and visits to the local public pool . . . Eating Kool-aid powder with sugar. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat. Didn't that feel good.. just to go and say, Yeah, I remember that................ Spell Chequer (to the tune of Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel) Eye halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error riteIts rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw itI am shore your pleased two noIts letter perfect awl the weighMy chequer tolled me sew.

An actual memo from an unnamed computer company to its employees - Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Just a little post election chuckle from Redneckville (Alberta) CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of "Survivor" the popular TV show The rules are simple: Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine
Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
I'm votin' for Chretien, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns. The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner! A Jacksonville, Florida woman recently had to summon emergency help after dragging her husband down the streetbehind their pickup truck. Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station Jacksonville, was treated and released with a slight concussion and scrapes and bruises. It seems that Styles decided to repair damaged shingleson his house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him. Prior to climbing up on his steep roof, Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer hitch of his truck. Once on the peak of his roof he secured the other end of the line around his waist. He then slid over the top of the roof to repair the shingles. As luck would have it, right after he started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Jane Styles yelled to her husband she'd be right back and pulled away. "I didn't see the rope," Mrs. Styles said, "until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street." Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbour, said, "I'll never forget the look on Roman's face as he came sailing overthe peak of that house. If it hadn't been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."
What is love?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
" When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared any more."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." QUICKIES (revisited and updated – you’ve heard most of them before, but you probably forget!)What's the best form of birth control after 50? NudityWhat's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.Why are men and parking spaces alike? Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.What have men and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them forlife.Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut!Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick."How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have? Palm Sunday.Why is being in the Military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A Bingo Machine.What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex too.What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.What three two-letter words mean small? "Is It In?"Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings most likely.Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A Pimp.Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck? Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row row row your boat.What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."What's the difference between a microwave and a gay guy? The microwave won't brown your meat.What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection? A Whopper with cheese How can you tell if you eat pussy well? You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay until his business fell off.
Police Quotes: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers? "In God we trust, all others are suspects." This couple was worried about the small size of their young son's penis, so they consulted a doctor. The doctor told them that the only thing he knew of that would correct this problem was for them to feed their son whole-wheat toast for breakfast. The next morning the son came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on the table with a huge stack of whole-wheat toast on it. He asked his mother what the big stack of toast was for. His mother replied, "The top two slices are for you and the rest is for your Dad". Darwin AwardYou all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.And this year's nominee is:The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approx. 420 mph.
One night, George Dubya Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did," Washington advises. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
A third grade teacher asked the class if their family enjoyed riding bicycles. When it was Little Johnny’s turn he said their family had never ridden bikes together. The teacher said,” Why not?” “I don't know," explained Johnny, "but my dad says that when my mom and my sisters are cycling together, he has to get the hell out of town."
When Little Johnny was asked if he knew the difference between a bull and a cow he replied, "Yeah, bulls smile when you milk them."
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "LOFT." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "LOFT." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "LOFT." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent."
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"
A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and go at. While he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "Why the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any children? A: Because whenever his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology? She'll blow your mind, too.
He laid her on the tableSo white and clean and bare.His forehead wet with beads of sweatHe rubbed her here and there.He touched her neck and then her breastAnd then drooling felt her thigh.The slit was wet and all was set,He gave a joyous cry.The hole was wide...he looked insideAll was dark and murky.He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms.......... And then he stuffed the turkey.
A single friend told me he was given a sweater for his birthday. I said, ”That’s a great gift!” He replied,” It ‘s all right, but I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer.
An older couple driving home from a trip, stopped in a restaurant. They ate and rested up and continued on their way. After only few miles, the woman realized that she had forgotten her glasses. So, at the next exit, they had to turn back. However, on the way back she was forced to listen endless criticism from her husband, how she was a useless idiot ,how one day she would lose her head, what a stupid moron she was and so on. They parked next to restaurant again and the husband turns to the wife and says, "Get the hell out and get your bloody glasses.........and don't forget to bring my hat."
Ethel and a friend were complaining about their sex lives since they had come to the Nursing Home. Another woman said that her sex life was great! "I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!" "Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I'm going to try that tonight!" That evening, while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she takes off all her clothes. And although it's a struggle, she manages to get one leg up and behind her head. With some effort, she finally gets the other leg behind her head as well. No sooner has she accomplished this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, "For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"
Two kids are sitting outside the doctor’s office and one of them is crying. The other asks, ”Why are you crying?” The kid says, “I just had a blood test and they cut my finger.” So now the other kid starts to cry too, “I’m here for a urine test!”
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya.""Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned ."Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no.""No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Q: What gets lighter as it bounces? A: A Leper on a trampoline!TOP TWENTY-FIVE REASONS THAT HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX25. It's ok to bleed during play.24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.23.. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.21. You can still play when you get married.20. You can change on the fly.19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.18. If you can't get it up, who cares?17. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.16. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!15. It is broadcast live on TV..14. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!12. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!11. You always know how big the stick is10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.9. The puck is always hard.8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.7. It lasts a full hour.6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.5. Your parents cheer when you score.4. When you're tired you're supposed to get off and let a buddy take your place.3. You can count on it at least twice a week, 4 times a night.2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon. Only in California?The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation'sdriving school:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The colour.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Did you know that over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts? The other 80% drive Rincolns.
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it...Seems it was habit-forming.
Q: How can you tell a Polish pirate? A: He has a patch over both eyes.
One woman’s view of the midlife crisis.Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.. Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!) Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks? Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit. Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar. Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? Men whining about their women ... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt. --Howard, Dodge City, Kan. ... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have? --Ted, Wexford, Pa. ... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do. --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass. ... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done. --Nick, Wheeling, W.Va. ... you can hear her eat soup from the next room. --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J. ... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. --Jim, Minneapolis ... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs. --Miles, Shreveport, La. ... every so often boom! she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is. --Cary, Seattle ... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. --Terence, Gary, Ind. ... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde. --Ned, Tucson, Ariz. ... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle. -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa. ... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you? --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah ... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate. --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio ... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..." --Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla. ... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me. --Neil, Orlando, Fla. ... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death. --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla. ... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair. --Archie, St. Louis ... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother. --Conrad, Wilmington, Del. ... it annoys her that our children look like me. --James, New Orleans ... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS. --Everett, Little Rock, Ark. ... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her. --Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical glove - "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?""Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." The women got a strange look on her face and then started chuckling.The dentist asked her what was so funny. The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"Shallow thoughtsHow can there be a limited lifetime warranty?Seen on the back of a dirty car: washme.com"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?Seen on a muddy lorry: "I wish my wife was as dirty as this!"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study Duh - Conan O'BrienAll truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.Some people aren't happy unless they're unhappy. -- Joe S. ClineOver breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,"I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he arrived, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!. I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
A Newfie sidles up to a real hottie in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good. I’m a lesbian.” He says,” Oh, what part of Lesbia are you from?” She says, “No, you just don’t understand. You see that hot-looking chick over there? Well I’d like to rip off her panties and lick her pussy.” He says, “Gee, I must be a lesbian too. But you are the most beautiful looking thing I’ve ever seen. I want you for my wife.” "Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ...... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to in my bedroom.... And she knocks on the wall and yells, 'Fuck you!!!!!' and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.' "
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing !I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet ?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied ), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat !"
Seen in a window in Tel Aviv - Country for sale - Country, in excellent condition, '48 model, complete overhaul in '67,accident in '73, steering wheel not functioning, pulls to the left. Incredibly cheap. Immediate delivery. Call Government of Israel - ask for Ehud. An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a "goy" and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi. "Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favours." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt." "Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over.
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each with only 17 syllables: five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. ------------------------ Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ------------------------ The website you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. ------------------------ Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent and reboot. Order shall return. ------------------------ Aborted effort. Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. ------------------------ Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No-one hears your screams. ------------------------ Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. ------------------------ Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. ------------------------ A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. ------------------------ Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ------------------------ You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. ------------------------ Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------ Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. ------------------------ I ate your Web page. Forgive me; it was tasty And tart on my tongue
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?'" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns n' Roses) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." --Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Rev. Jesse Jackson "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skilful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." - Emo Philips
(On going to war over religion) -- "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --Yasser Arafat (PLO leader)
A vacation is a period of travel during which you find that you took twice as many clothes and half as much money as you needed.
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time." What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn horny sailors! With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!" The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!" "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time." The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!' This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!" "You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?" "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!" "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop- sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke." A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a New Yorker. "I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker," the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the New Yorker wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9. "Without numbiz?" the New Yorker says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The New Yorker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree. Dat's 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Mr. New York stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Dare ya go. A hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred." The New Yorker leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says....................………………………….. "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got : dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I freakin' start?"
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good co-ordination, expresses himself very well..." "Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"An American Jew was on Regent Street in London and entered a posh gourmet food shop. A salesperson in a morning coat with tails approached and politely asked, "May I help to you, sir?" "Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox." "Sir," responded the dignified salesperson, "surely you mean 'smoked salmon'." "Okay, a pound of smoked salmon." "Anything else?" "Yes, a dozen blintzes." “Sir, surely you mean 'crepes'." "Okay, a dozen crepes." "Anything else?" "Yes. A pound of chopped liver." "Sir, surely you mean 'pate'." "Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate, and I'd like you to deliver this Saturday." "Sir," said the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep chazzerai on Shabbos!"
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Q: What is "Endless Love"? A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
Q: How do you know if your roommate is gay? A: His dick tastes like shit.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?" "Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
A farm couple send their only son to college. The lad grows a long moustache and a goatee and being proud of his new look, sends a photo with a letter home. He said, "Quite the change, eh? Don't I perhaps look like a count? "His father wrote back, "You idiot! Here we spend a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
An extremely attractive woman goes to a doctor for a breast exam. He tells her to go behind the curtain and strip to the waist. When he pulls back the curtain he is greeted by the most magnificent pair of breasts he has ever seen. The woman says, "Doctor, I’m very nervous because no man has ever seen, let alone touched my breasts. Please be very gentle.” He says, "Would you like me to numb them for you?" She says, "Oh, yes please." So he sticks his head between her breasts and goes, "Num, num, num..."