"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move 'American Idol' tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that's why it was smart that Obama opened by singing "Living on a Prayer.' Even Simon liked it, it was very well done." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Tonight is President Obama's first address to Congress. I'm TiVo-ing it, don't tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It's all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil." --Stephen Colbert
"So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It's Canada. It's the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game." --Jon Stewart
"You're working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals ... and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?" --Jon Stewart
"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It is our first show back since the Obama administration. Or, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, 'End Times.'" --Bill Maher
"But I've got to tell you people, I'm a little nervous tonight. We started 16 years ago with 'Politically Incorrect' in 1993, moved over here to HBO with 'Real Time' in 2003. In all those years, I've never done a monologue where the president wasn't either a horny hillbilly or an illiterate dumbass. ... This is challenging, and it hasn't quite set in that Obama is president. I'm still writing 'Fuck George Bush' on my checks." --Bill Maher
"Well, he's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher
"Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He's been in office a month, and he's dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?" --Bill Maher
"And he does, because, I mean, some of our nation’s largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 'shitty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher
"These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster." --Bill Maher
"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves."
"President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today -- Canadian geese." --Jay Leno
"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, 'Oh, you have interns here, too.'" --Jay Leno
"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She's blaming it on Alex Rodriguez's cousin." --David Letterman
"Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house." --David Letterman
"Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'" --David Letterman
"President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we'll know this guy really is on to something." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high." --Jay Leno
"President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he's found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson." --Jay Leno
"And the idea of nationalizing banks is becoming more popular with some lawmakers and economists. They say they're leaning towards the Swedish model for banks. You know, I've got a better idea. How about opening banks with all Swedish models." --Jay Leno
"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She's on tour in Asia. Hillary's in Asia. Bill's in heaven." --David Letterman
"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel
"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson
David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters
10. How do we improve perfection?
9. Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people.
8. Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch.
7. After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, "You betcha!"
6. Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln.
5. Korean food again?
4. Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm.
3. Get a load of that bodacious booty! (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house).
2. With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide.
1. Hillary's running against me?
Finally! An explanation for the financial crisis in terms we can all understand:
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers -- most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. However they cannot pay back the debts. Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers. The end.
Where would you be:
If you had all the money your heart desires?
If you had the most fabulous home in the perfect neighbourhood?
If you had absolutely no worries?
If you came home and the finest gourmet meal is waiting for you?
If your bath had been drawn in the finest tub?
If you had the perfect kids?
If your partner was waiting for you with open arms and kisses?
So, where would you be?
Well helllooooo! You’d be in the wrong damned house!
One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told him that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."
So if the tailless cat from the Isle of Man is called a Manx, does that mean that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears hail from the Isle of Skan?
Creative Puns for Educated Minds:
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fucking party, you're just lucky you don't bark or neigh!
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. Some breeders in the U.S. crossed a Bulldog with a Shitzu and came up with an American Bullshit.
Fresh Definitions
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
A chap was sitting in a bar when a good looking woman turned to him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .. It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.' Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?'
Twelve food related sayings: Here are 12 sayings with the most plausible explanations of their origin. We’ve been using some of these phrases for so long that we’ve lost the original meanings, so our explanation of them is based on the best guesses of linguists and historians. So you’d better just take these explanations with a grain of salt!
- “Not worth his salt.” In Roman times, salt was a highly valued commodity used for trading. To say a soldier was not worth his salt was the same as saying he wasn’t worth his salary; he was absolutely worthless. (Actually ‘salary’ comes from the Latin word for salt)
- “Pie in the sky” is actually only half of the phrase - the whole thing is “there’ll be pie in the sky when you die,” and it’s a sarcastic remark that means heaven is a silly notion.
- Money is sometimes called “dough” or “bread” because money is what puts the bread on the table. By that logic, the two are basically interchangeable.
- “Egg on your face” may come from the times of Victorian live theater. While we’re most familiar with the fall guy getting a pie in his face, Victorian theatre had the embarrassed party getting raw eggs cracked over his head. However, another explanation suggests that people who eat eggs often get yolk all over their faces, which is embarrassing.
- “Won’t amount to a hill of beans” (or the like) comes from the practice of planting bean seeds in clumps in a mound of soil (the hill). This is a very small hill indeed, so saying you won’t amount to a hill of beans is pretty insulting.
- “Apple of my eye” is thought to have originated from an old English idea that the pupil of the eye was solid, like an apple. So the “apple of my eye” is the pupil of my eye. I guess that sort of poetically means what catches my attention most.
- “Cool as a cucumber” exists because the high water content of a cucumber keeps them pretty cold. Lettuce and celery both have high water contents as well, but I guess “cool as lettuce” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
- “Cream of the crop” is because if you have a pail of freshly-squeezed milk, the cream will rise to the top of the pail because of the high fat content. Since cream is so rich and delicious, it’s considered the best - so if you’re the cream of the crop, you’re obviously the best!
- Top banana” and “Second banana” probably come from the same place. The term comes from the early 1900s vaudeville days, and may have come from comedian Frank Lebowitz, who used bananas in his act.
- The greatest thing since sliced bread” is pretty self-explanatory - how great is it to just pull out a couple of pieces of bread and not have to be bothered with getting out a knife and trying to cut even slices without hacking up the loaf? It’s hard to believe, but pre-sliced bread actually wasn’t really a practice until 1928 and wasn’t marketed until 1930 by Wonder Bread.
- “Cut the mustard” has always seemed pretty strange to me, but it actually makes sense: it means to be up to a challenge. And if you think about it, cutting mustard? Pretty difficult.
- “Dollars to doughnuts” means “most assuredly,” which I explain because I’m not sure how common it is. I use it, but I don’t know if it’s weird midwest slang or what. An example would be, “Dollars to doughnuts, Heath Ledger is going to win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.” Anyway, it comes from the fact that if you’re willing to bet dollars to something that’s essentially worthless (although Homer Simpson would probably argue with you), you must be pretty sure that you’re right. Variations include dollars to buttons, cobwebs and dumplings.
Did the Founding Fathers of the United States of America smoke cannabis? From Chris Conrad’s book, ‘Hemp: Lifeline to the Future’, we see that some researchers think so. President of the American Historical Reference Society and a consultant for the Smithsonian Institute, Dr. Burke, counted seven early presidents as cannabis smokers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, Zachary Taylor and Franklin Pierce. "Early letters from our founding fathers refer to the pleasures of hemp smoking," said Burke.
Did you know that Honest Abe was a stoner musician? According to Robbie Gennet in his book, On Role Models and their Bongs, the following quote was taken from a letter written by Lincoln during his presidency to the head of the Hohner Harmonica Company in Germany: “Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp, and playing my Hohner harmonica.”
And apparently John F. Kennedy used cannabis against his back pains and William J. Clinton smoked it but didn’t inhale (sure, Bill, we believe you). Finally there is a U.S. President who, in the tradition of the first President, isn’t afraid to tell the truth. President Barack Obama has said "I inhaled frequently. That was the point." (No wonder he held a joint session of Congress!)
Two old Jewish men were sitting in a New York deli speaking to each other in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, a relative newcomer to America, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay. The Jewish men were dumbfounded wondering where he learned such perfect Yiddish. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else would hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
A middle aged woman was out walking with her four year-old granddaughter. The girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The grandmother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. 'Why?' the girl asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' the senior replied. At this point, the little girl looked at her grandmother with total admiration and asked, 'Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' Thinking quickly, the grandmother said. 'All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma.' They walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but the girl was evidently pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa'. With a big smile on her face, the grandmother replied, ‘Exactly,'
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday Funnies February 20 09
"Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington's throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole." --Jay Leno
"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit b taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno
"And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here." --Jay Leno
"A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!" --Craig Ferguson
"According to the 'Financial Times,' Barack Obama, they're saying, is moving towards Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn't happened since the Clinton Administration." --Craig Ferguson
"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow." --Jay Leno
"Presidents' Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno
"A new poll of historians just came out. And the poll has named former President George W. Bush one of the ten worst presidents of all time. But on the bright side, Bush was selected second best president named George Bush." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, of course, a very solemn day in America. We celebrate presidents past by getting a good deal on mattresses and big-screen TVs." --Craig Ferguson
"It's Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, and to honor the occasion, the U.S. Mint is releasing a new penny that shows Lincoln's house. That's appropriate because that's about how much a house is worth these days." --Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln, who was born 200 years ago today. And to mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier today, went into a theater and shot a guy." –David Letterman
"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman
"How about this? A celebrity birthday. Today is Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's birthday. I'm not saying how old she is, but from her house, she can see 50." --David Letterman
"Happy birthday, Governor Sarah Palin, who turned 45 years old today. Hey, I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card in it with $5 from John McCain. After Palin opened her card, she did some shots - two moose and a caribou." --Jay Leno
"Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn't paid taxes for eight years straight. So for Barry, it's either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one." --Jay Leno
"And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, 'Hey, try it for eight years.'" --Jay Leno
"Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don't count federal prison." --Jay Leno
And, from the Farmer’s Almanac:Although Presidents Day now commemorates the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, Washington's birthday was celebrated as a holiday for many years on February 22, even though he was actually born on February 11, 1731. (To add to the confusion, the federal observance of Washington’s birthday has been moved to the third Monday in February.) Why the difference? During Washington's lifetime, people in Great Britain and America switched from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar (something most of Europe had done in 1582). As a result of this calendar reform, people born before 1752 were told to add 11 days to their birth dates. Those born between January 1 and March 25, as Washington was, also had to add one year to be in sync with the new calendar. By the time Washington became president in 1789, he celebrated his birthday on February 22 and listed his year of birth as 1732.
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure known as 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared, 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my scotch.
Two priests are using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
Check out Exodus 28:42: "You shall also make for them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; they shall extend from the hips to the thighs.” There you have it, straight from Moses. The only Kosher underwear is BOXER SHORTS!
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A young Newfoundland man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St. John's . A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Mike and said, Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job. ''And why would you be doing that?' asked Mike, ''We both got 9 questions correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the job! ''We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,'' replied the manager. 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? ''Simple,' replied the manager, 'On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.''
Angus walks into the pub with a blackened eye and a bloody nose. His buddy Hamish looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Angus says, “Well, a button came off of me fly so I asked me landlady, Mrs. MacDonald if she would sew it back on as I could’na button me trousers. She agreed and everything was goin' just fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained . . ."The egg timer is broken".
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ... Ruled by Nuts.
Last week I was in a darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand but there was no sound. Then the film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'
While taxiing at London's, Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Memo to Seniors:
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.... It is all true!Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list but are happy it’s in big print.
A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the local Tim Horton’s over a coffee."Do you realize," said one, "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup?""Yes, I know," replied the second, "My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the sugar.""I can't turn my head," rejoined the third, "because of the arthritis in my neck.""I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another."My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," commented yet another, adding, "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.""Well, it could be worse," piped up the first, "At least we can all still drive!"
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him, and never say its not quite as good as his mothers . . . then buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour for as long and wherever you want ... then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. . . then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet an d whom you can push off if he snores. . . then buy a dog!
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . . . then buy a dog.
BUT, on the other hand . . . If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness . . . then….............. buy a cat!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him he should drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks." "And this time," says the Lord, "think big - eight decks at least." "I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-storey carp ark."
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen." The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible. Manny offers the Rabbi $10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers $50,000…then $75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen." The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat. But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen, so I think it’s only right I should be a Cohen too!"
"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit b taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno
"And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here." --Jay Leno
"A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!" --Craig Ferguson
"According to the 'Financial Times,' Barack Obama, they're saying, is moving towards Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn't happened since the Clinton Administration." --Craig Ferguson
"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow." --Jay Leno
"Presidents' Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine's Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno
"A new poll of historians just came out. And the poll has named former President George W. Bush one of the ten worst presidents of all time. But on the bright side, Bush was selected second best president named George Bush." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, of course, a very solemn day in America. We celebrate presidents past by getting a good deal on mattresses and big-screen TVs." --Craig Ferguson
"It's Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, and to honor the occasion, the U.S. Mint is releasing a new penny that shows Lincoln's house. That's appropriate because that's about how much a house is worth these days." --Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln, who was born 200 years ago today. And to mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier today, went into a theater and shot a guy." –David Letterman
"Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie." --David Letterman
"How about this? A celebrity birthday. Today is Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's birthday. I'm not saying how old she is, but from her house, she can see 50." --David Letterman
"Happy birthday, Governor Sarah Palin, who turned 45 years old today. Hey, I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card in it with $5 from John McCain. After Palin opened her card, she did some shots - two moose and a caribou." --Jay Leno
"Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn't paid taxes for eight years straight. So for Barry, it's either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one." --Jay Leno
"And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, 'Hey, try it for eight years.'" --Jay Leno
"Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don't count federal prison." --Jay Leno
And, from the Farmer’s Almanac:Although Presidents Day now commemorates the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, Washington's birthday was celebrated as a holiday for many years on February 22, even though he was actually born on February 11, 1731. (To add to the confusion, the federal observance of Washington’s birthday has been moved to the third Monday in February.) Why the difference? During Washington's lifetime, people in Great Britain and America switched from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar (something most of Europe had done in 1582). As a result of this calendar reform, people born before 1752 were told to add 11 days to their birth dates. Those born between January 1 and March 25, as Washington was, also had to add one year to be in sync with the new calendar. By the time Washington became president in 1789, he celebrated his birthday on February 22 and listed his year of birth as 1732.
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure known as 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared, 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my scotch.
Two priests are using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
Check out Exodus 28:42: "You shall also make for them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; they shall extend from the hips to the thighs.” There you have it, straight from Moses. The only Kosher underwear is BOXER SHORTS!
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A young Newfoundland man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St. John's . A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Mike and said, Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job. ''And why would you be doing that?' asked Mike, ''We both got 9 questions correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the job! ''We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,'' replied the manager. 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? ''Simple,' replied the manager, 'On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.''
Angus walks into the pub with a blackened eye and a bloody nose. His buddy Hamish looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Angus says, “Well, a button came off of me fly so I asked me landlady, Mrs. MacDonald if she would sew it back on as I could’na button me trousers. She agreed and everything was goin' just fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained . . ."The egg timer is broken".
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ... Ruled by Nuts.
Last week I was in a darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand but there was no sound. Then the film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'
While taxiing at London's, Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Memo to Seniors:
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.... It is all true!Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list but are happy it’s in big print.
A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the local Tim Horton’s over a coffee."Do you realize," said one, "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup?""Yes, I know," replied the second, "My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the sugar.""I can't turn my head," rejoined the third, "because of the arthritis in my neck.""I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another."My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," commented yet another, adding, "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.""Well, it could be worse," piped up the first, "At least we can all still drive!"
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him, and never say its not quite as good as his mothers . . . then buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour for as long and wherever you want ... then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. . . then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet an d whom you can push off if he snores. . . then buy a dog!
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . . . then buy a dog.
BUT, on the other hand . . . If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness . . . then….............. buy a cat!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him he should drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks." "And this time," says the Lord, "think big - eight decks at least." "I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-storey carp ark."
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen." The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible. Manny offers the Rabbi $10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers $50,000…then $75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen." The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat. But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen, so I think it’s only right I should be a Cohen too!"
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday Funnies February 13 09
"Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?" --Jay Leno
"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a state-wide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno
"All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it's going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn't mean you have to have sex with other dudes." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Oh, here's a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can't get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy." --Jay Leno
"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno
"In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It's sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they'd stay together for the sake of the cat." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes." --Jay Leno
The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?" --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He's the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established 'Pants-Free Friday.'" --David Letterman
"In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm." --Seth Meyers
"At a Groundhog Day ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by a groundhog, which means six more weeks of winter for us, and six pounds of fresh groundhog meat for the zoo's lions." --Seth Meyers
"Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky." --Jay Leno
"I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high." --David Letterman
"This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes." --Jay Leno
"I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno
"Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught." --Jay Leno
"I guess the Democrats think IRS means, 'I'm really sorry.'" --Jay Leno
"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions. 'Please marry me, please!'" --Jay Leno
"The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America." --Jay Leno
"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno
The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno
"Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That's true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less." --Conan O'Brien
A Russian physician says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks". A German physician says: "That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him look for work in four weeks". An Israeli physician says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks". An American physician from Texas, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work".
As I'm sure you're all aware, today is Friday the thirteenth. In case you didn’t know, Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 and Paraskevidekatriaphobia is fear of Friday the 13th. Every year will have at least one Friday the 13th fall in one of the months, with a maximum of 3 times that it will occur in a year (this year again in March and November).
Did you know that in America over 21 million people will stay home due to superstition?
Did you also know that in Australia there are slightly less cars on the road on Friday the 13th, but slightly more accidents occur?
Many people consider Fridays and the number 13 to be unlucky generally. For example:
• Many believe that cars built on a Friday have more mechanical problems because workers are more careless on those days.
• French socialites (quatorziens = fourteeneers) would make themselves available as emergency guest fill-ins for dinner parties which held 13 names so they could be the 14th guest.
• Many theatre managers will refuse to open a new show on a Friday, esp. if it is the 13th.
• Threats of computer viruses run amuck on Friday the 13th often needlessly scaring many users.
• Many businesses (or their CEOs) dislike beginning a new venture on a Friday, starting on a business trip or even signing a contract on any 13th of any month, esp. if it's a Friday the 13th.
• Otis Elevator Company says that 90% of skyscrapers (and many big hotels) have no 13th floor.
• Many hospitals, hotels, office complexes, etc. have no Room 13.
• Universal Studios in California has no studio lot 13.
• Many airlines, sports arenas and auditoriums eliminate a "seat 13" or even a row 13.
• The airport in Fresno, California doesn't have a Gate 13.
• And, many folks will not have 13 as a house number so the Post Office gives them 12 1/2.
• And in France to replace the number 13, they use 12 two times as 1212.
Interesting occurrences on Friday the 13th:
• Many modern stories (including The Da Vinci Code) claim that when King Philip IV had many Knights Templar simultaneously arrested on Friday, October 13, 1307, that started the legend of the unlucky Friday the 13th.
• On Friday, September 13, 1939, Igor Sikorsky invented the helicopter.
• On Friday, July 13, 1900, Teddy Roosevelt laid the cornerstone for the new county courthouse in New York.
• On Friday, September 13, 1814 Francis Scott Key wrote "The Star Spangled Banner".
• On Friday, September 13, 1857, Milton Hershey was born. And, this gave us Hershey chocolate, which, of course, becomes a big deal tomorrow for Valentine’s Day.
Beware Of The Friday 13th Virus
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.
It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
It will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.
It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.
It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.
It cheats at Scrabble.
It can forge your signature.
It plays the bagpipes in your basement.
It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.
Jim asked his friend, Tony, what he had bought his wife for Valentine's Day. Tony, a bit of a chauvinist, replied, 'I bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very nice of you,' Jim said, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’
Approaching Valentine’s Day we keep hearing that men just don’t understand women and as a man, I agree one hundred per cent! But let us also remember that women don’t always understand men either, so here is a public service message for women to better understand the psyche of men.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards… then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
Also for Valentine’s Day, these are entries from a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
11) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
10) I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
9) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
8) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
7) I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
6) Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
5) I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
4) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
3) My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
2) My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
1) What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night of Valentine’s Day together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"
With Valentine’s Day coming up, the Penis decided it was time to ask for a raise.
The Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. ! It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Shit' said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the place!
Mother Goose for Seniors:
Life is short. Forgive quickly.
Kiss slowly. Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably and
Never regret anything that made you smile.
Getting old’s not for the timid. Yesterday I got my ‘Preparation H’ mixed up with my Poli-Grip and now I talk like an asshole!....but my gums don’t itch.
Just one more word of advice learned from experience, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew:
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President-elect Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
At a family gathering, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink when he wasn't looking. After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa,' asked his concerned grand children? 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.' I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ, BORN 5694, DIED 5733, A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier - he was the best!"
I Believe …
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
That just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
That you can keep going, long after you think you can’t.
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
That it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
That just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you much too soon.
That life is more precious than money will ever be able to be.
"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a state-wide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno
"All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it's going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn't mean you have to have sex with other dudes." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Oh, here's a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can't get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy." --Jay Leno
"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno
"In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It's sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they'd stay together for the sake of the cat." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes." --Jay Leno
The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?" --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He's the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established 'Pants-Free Friday.'" --David Letterman
"In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm." --Seth Meyers
"At a Groundhog Day ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by a groundhog, which means six more weeks of winter for us, and six pounds of fresh groundhog meat for the zoo's lions." --Seth Meyers
"Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky." --Jay Leno
"I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high." --David Letterman
"This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes." --Jay Leno
"I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno
"Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught." --Jay Leno
"I guess the Democrats think IRS means, 'I'm really sorry.'" --Jay Leno
"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions. 'Please marry me, please!'" --Jay Leno
"The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America." --Jay Leno
"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno
The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno
"Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That's true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less." --Conan O'Brien
A Russian physician says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks". A German physician says: "That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him look for work in four weeks". An Israeli physician says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks". An American physician from Texas, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work".
As I'm sure you're all aware, today is Friday the thirteenth. In case you didn’t know, Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 and Paraskevidekatriaphobia is fear of Friday the 13th. Every year will have at least one Friday the 13th fall in one of the months, with a maximum of 3 times that it will occur in a year (this year again in March and November).
Did you know that in America over 21 million people will stay home due to superstition?
Did you also know that in Australia there are slightly less cars on the road on Friday the 13th, but slightly more accidents occur?
Many people consider Fridays and the number 13 to be unlucky generally. For example:
• Many believe that cars built on a Friday have more mechanical problems because workers are more careless on those days.
• French socialites (quatorziens = fourteeneers) would make themselves available as emergency guest fill-ins for dinner parties which held 13 names so they could be the 14th guest.
• Many theatre managers will refuse to open a new show on a Friday, esp. if it is the 13th.
• Threats of computer viruses run amuck on Friday the 13th often needlessly scaring many users.
• Many businesses (or their CEOs) dislike beginning a new venture on a Friday, starting on a business trip or even signing a contract on any 13th of any month, esp. if it's a Friday the 13th.
• Otis Elevator Company says that 90% of skyscrapers (and many big hotels) have no 13th floor.
• Many hospitals, hotels, office complexes, etc. have no Room 13.
• Universal Studios in California has no studio lot 13.
• Many airlines, sports arenas and auditoriums eliminate a "seat 13" or even a row 13.
• The airport in Fresno, California doesn't have a Gate 13.
• And, many folks will not have 13 as a house number so the Post Office gives them 12 1/2.
• And in France to replace the number 13, they use 12 two times as 1212.
Interesting occurrences on Friday the 13th:
• Many modern stories (including The Da Vinci Code) claim that when King Philip IV had many Knights Templar simultaneously arrested on Friday, October 13, 1307, that started the legend of the unlucky Friday the 13th.
• On Friday, September 13, 1939, Igor Sikorsky invented the helicopter.
• On Friday, July 13, 1900, Teddy Roosevelt laid the cornerstone for the new county courthouse in New York.
• On Friday, September 13, 1814 Francis Scott Key wrote "The Star Spangled Banner".
• On Friday, September 13, 1857, Milton Hershey was born. And, this gave us Hershey chocolate, which, of course, becomes a big deal tomorrow for Valentine’s Day.
Beware Of The Friday 13th Virus
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.
It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
It will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.
It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.
It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.
It cheats at Scrabble.
It can forge your signature.
It plays the bagpipes in your basement.
It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.
Jim asked his friend, Tony, what he had bought his wife for Valentine's Day. Tony, a bit of a chauvinist, replied, 'I bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very nice of you,' Jim said, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’
Approaching Valentine’s Day we keep hearing that men just don’t understand women and as a man, I agree one hundred per cent! But let us also remember that women don’t always understand men either, so here is a public service message for women to better understand the psyche of men.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards… then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
Also for Valentine’s Day, these are entries from a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
11) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
10) I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
9) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
8) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
7) I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
6) Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
5) I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
4) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
3) My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
2) My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
1) What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night of Valentine’s Day together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"
With Valentine’s Day coming up, the Penis decided it was time to ask for a raise.
The Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. ! It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Shit' said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the place!
Mother Goose for Seniors:
Life is short. Forgive quickly.
Kiss slowly. Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably and
Never regret anything that made you smile.
Getting old’s not for the timid. Yesterday I got my ‘Preparation H’ mixed up with my Poli-Grip and now I talk like an asshole!....but my gums don’t itch.
Just one more word of advice learned from experience, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew:
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President-elect Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
At a family gathering, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink when he wasn't looking. After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa,' asked his concerned grand children? 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.' I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ, BORN 5694, DIED 5733, A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier - he was the best!"
I Believe …
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
That just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
That you can keep going, long after you think you can’t.
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
That it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
That just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you much too soon.
That life is more precious than money will ever be able to be.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Friday Funnies February 6 09
"Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes." --David Letterman
"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno
"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno
"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno
"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " - Jay Leno
"And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them." --Jay Leno
"Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn't had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?" --Jay Leno
"And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, 'That's why I didn't pay them in the first place.'" --Jay Leno
"Right after Sunday's Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio." --David Letterman
"You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off." --David Letterman
"Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it." --David Letterman
"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.' So that's better." --Seth Meyers
"The Illinois State Legislature on Thursday voted unanimously to remove Governor Rod Blagojevich from office and barred him from ever holding public office in the state again. When informed of his impeachment, Blagojevich was so stunned his hair stood on end, killing six people in the office above." --Seth Meyers
"Happy TGIF. You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired." --Jay Leno
"Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that's one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go." --Jay Leno
"Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad -- 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty." --Jay Leno
"There's now growing proof that some of the relief money that was supposed to help victims of the huge earthquake in China was actually siphoned off by corrupt officials. In fact, one corrupt official, Chang Blagojevich, was arrested today." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama." --Jay Leno
"Oh, here's good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that's passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes." --David Letterman
"You know it's interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern." --David Letterman
"But Dick Cheney, you know, he's in retirement now. But he's not just sitting around, taking it easy, oh, no. He's active. He's got things going on. For example, he booked himself on the show, 'Sneering with the Stars.'" --David Letterman
"According to a new study, there's been an increase in the number of illegal Mexican immigrants living in Canada. Yeah. Yeah, you got the hand it to them. That must be some tunnel." --Conan O'Brien
"The state Senate in Illinois stayed in session today to finish the impeachment trial of Governor Rod Blagojevich, who decided to show up today. He spoke for 47 minutes before they were able to nab him with a butterfly net and some Aqua Net." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that's refreshing, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It's an historic visit, not just because it's his first foreign trip, but because he'll be the first black person ever to visit Canada." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke." --Jimmy Kimmel
Jay Leno on Wall Street:
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show ... if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
Stimulus Payment Information for Americans
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
Americans need to keep that money in America, hence they should consider spending it at yard sales, going to baseball games, on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US .
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian are sitting drinking in a bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcoholic beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Canadian picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice AND we recycle glasses.'
Man's 5 Most Feared Questions:
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the bloody truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you've got
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define "pretty".
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Porsche and a speedboat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: silence...
MAN: Shit.
I’ve had it up to here with midgets!
You Tube My Space and I’ll Google your Yahoo!
Keep Earth clean …it’s not Uranus!
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen... this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you! His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
A really cute young girl just can’t keep a boyfriend because her pussy smells like an onion. A helpful friend says that she knows a really nice guy who had an accident and lost his sense of smell. The girl meets the guy and everything goes well until his head ventures down below the covers. After less than a minute the guy lifts his head and says, “That's it! I’m outta here! I just can’t take a pussy that smells like onion!” The girl says, “But I don’t understand, you can’t smell.” He says, “Yeah but my eyes can still water!”
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a Sex Shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns onnnn bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.' She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. The lessons – men never learn and blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the world-wide economy, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The Price of Children: (especially for Lew and Zina who are meeting their third grandson today)
We’ve all seen these financial breakdowns before of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. Enjoy!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
$8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140.00?
- Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
- Glimpses of God every day.
- Giggles under the covers every night.
- More love than your heart can hold.
- Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
- Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
- A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
- A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
- Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
- finger-paint,
- carve pumpkins,
- play hide-and-seek,
- catch lightning bugs.
You have an excuse to:
- keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
- watch Saturday morning cartoons,
- go to Disney movies, and
- wish on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect hand print sets in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
- retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
- taking the training wheels off a bike,
- removing a splinter,
- filling a wading pool,
- coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
- coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
- first step,
- first word,
- first bra,
- first date, and
- first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!
Love and enjoy your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren! It's the best investment you'll make!
"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno
"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno
"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno
"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " - Jay Leno
"And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them." --Jay Leno
"Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn't had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?" --Jay Leno
"And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, 'That's why I didn't pay them in the first place.'" --Jay Leno
"Right after Sunday's Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio." --David Letterman
"You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off." --David Letterman
"Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it." --David Letterman
"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.' So that's better." --Seth Meyers
"The Illinois State Legislature on Thursday voted unanimously to remove Governor Rod Blagojevich from office and barred him from ever holding public office in the state again. When informed of his impeachment, Blagojevich was so stunned his hair stood on end, killing six people in the office above." --Seth Meyers
"Happy TGIF. You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired." --Jay Leno
"Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that's one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go." --Jay Leno
"Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad -- 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty." --Jay Leno
"There's now growing proof that some of the relief money that was supposed to help victims of the huge earthquake in China was actually siphoned off by corrupt officials. In fact, one corrupt official, Chang Blagojevich, was arrested today." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama." --Jay Leno
"Oh, here's good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that's passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes." --David Letterman
"You know it's interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern." --David Letterman
"But Dick Cheney, you know, he's in retirement now. But he's not just sitting around, taking it easy, oh, no. He's active. He's got things going on. For example, he booked himself on the show, 'Sneering with the Stars.'" --David Letterman
"According to a new study, there's been an increase in the number of illegal Mexican immigrants living in Canada. Yeah. Yeah, you got the hand it to them. That must be some tunnel." --Conan O'Brien
"The state Senate in Illinois stayed in session today to finish the impeachment trial of Governor Rod Blagojevich, who decided to show up today. He spoke for 47 minutes before they were able to nab him with a butterfly net and some Aqua Net." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that's refreshing, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It's an historic visit, not just because it's his first foreign trip, but because he'll be the first black person ever to visit Canada." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke." --Jimmy Kimmel
Jay Leno on Wall Street:
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show ... if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
Stimulus Payment Information for Americans
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
Americans need to keep that money in America, hence they should consider spending it at yard sales, going to baseball games, on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US .
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian are sitting drinking in a bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcoholic beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Canadian picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice AND we recycle glasses.'
Man's 5 Most Feared Questions:
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the bloody truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you've got
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define "pretty".
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Porsche and a speedboat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: silence...
MAN: Shit.
I’ve had it up to here with midgets!
You Tube My Space and I’ll Google your Yahoo!
Keep Earth clean …it’s not Uranus!
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen... this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you! His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
A really cute young girl just can’t keep a boyfriend because her pussy smells like an onion. A helpful friend says that she knows a really nice guy who had an accident and lost his sense of smell. The girl meets the guy and everything goes well until his head ventures down below the covers. After less than a minute the guy lifts his head and says, “That's it! I’m outta here! I just can’t take a pussy that smells like onion!” The girl says, “But I don’t understand, you can’t smell.” He says, “Yeah but my eyes can still water!”
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a Sex Shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns onnnn bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.' She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. The lessons – men never learn and blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the world-wide economy, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The Price of Children: (especially for Lew and Zina who are meeting their third grandson today)
We’ve all seen these financial breakdowns before of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. Enjoy!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
$8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140.00?
- Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
- Glimpses of God every day.
- Giggles under the covers every night.
- More love than your heart can hold.
- Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
- Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
- A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
- A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
- Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
- finger-paint,
- carve pumpkins,
- play hide-and-seek,
- catch lightning bugs.
You have an excuse to:
- keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
- watch Saturday morning cartoons,
- go to Disney movies, and
- wish on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect hand print sets in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
- retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
- taking the training wheels off a bike,
- removing a splinter,
- filling a wading pool,
- coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
- coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
- first step,
- first word,
- first bra,
- first date, and
- first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!
Love and enjoy your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren! It's the best investment you'll make!
Friday Funnies January 30 09
Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It’s the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate.”—David Letterman
“But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it’s a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments.”—David Letterman
“And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the do-not-fly list.”—Jay Leno
”Well, I mean, what’ll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don’t want them in their state or their district. Other countries don’t want them. Although, today, New York City’s Yellow Cab Company said, ‘Hey, we’ll take them.’”—Jay Leno
“This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He’s too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country.”—Jay Leno
“Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, ‘I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I’ll tell you about it.’”—Conan O’Brien
“President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?”—Jay Leno
”Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it pre-empted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called ‘30 Rocks.’”—Jay Leno
“Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as ‘an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.’”—Conan O’Brien
”Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right.”—Conan O’Brien
“It’s a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he’s doing. Yesterday, he was on ‘The View,’ the ‘Today’ show, and ‘Good Morning America.’ Today, his hair was on ‘Animal Planet’ and ‘Unsolved Mysteries.’”—Craig Ferguson
“Today, President Barack Obama’s first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they ‘unclench their fist,’ we will shake their hand. But they’re hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer.”—Jimmy Kimmel
The most popular movie theses days is “Slum Dog Millionaire’ and the least popular politician is “Scumbag Million Hairs”, Rod Blagojevich. – Jon Stewart
“I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back.”—Jay Leno
“Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony.”—Jay Leno
“You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something.”—Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel ‘The View.’”—Jay Leno
”After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it’s gonna be on Verizon.”—Jay Leno
”Actually, it’s a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They’re calling it a ‘BarackBerry.’ This is true. It doesn’t even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope.”—Jay Leno
“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, his impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday. You know, so, it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They have one politician sitting in the White House, the other one sitting in the big house. It’s a wash, pretty much.”—Jay Leno
“Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama’s president, Michael Jackson said he’s thinking about being black again.”—Jay Leno
“The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-temp of the Senate, she is next. Which means they’re going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-temp of the Senate.”—Jay Leno
”Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She’s out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out ‘cause of tax issues. The good news, she’s still eligible to be treasury secretary.”—Jay Leno
“Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That’s big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.”—Conan O’Brien
”Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It’s cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.”
“Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they’ll be no monologue.”—Jay Leno
”And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’”—Jay Leno
“Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to.”—Jay Leno
”And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there.”—Jay Leno
”No, apparently the chief justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully.”—Jay Leno
“And yesterday had the largest gathering of celebrities for any inauguration ever. In fact, there were so many celebrities and politicians together, it broke the old record set by the Betty Ford Clinic.”—Jay Leno
“And at the congressional luncheon held after he took office, President Obama asked lawmakers to reflect on what we know is in the hearts of the American people. Turns out, it’s grease, fat, and lots of cholesterol.”—Jay Leno
”Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, right?”—Jay Leno
“Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his failure to pay taxes was just a ‘careless mistake.’ See, remember it was an honest mistake last week, now it’s a ‘careless mistake.’ He says he does his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that’s great. So the guy who’s going to be in charge of the IRS is not a criminal, phew, just incompetent.”—Jay Leno
“Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn’t really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.” --Conan O’Brien
“This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next ‘Batman’ movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side.”—Conan O’Brien
David Letterman’s Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, “America’s Funniest Haircuts.”
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like “BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH.”
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don’t know ... how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, “You Betcha!” a lot.
1. Uhhh...resign?
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ The husband replied: ‘I’m watching The Superbowl with my son-in-law.’
A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies. The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?’ The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?’ The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?’ Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, ‘Just where the hell are you from?’ The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, ‘You tell me. You’re the expert.’
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he’s looking for. He looks up and says, “I’m afraid this is serious. We’ll have to operate!” “Operate?”, exclaims the fellow, “Why, Doc? What’s the problem?” “Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You’ve developed the same sort of thing. You’ve got a brothel sprout.”
A Yuppie driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolls down his window and shouts to the snobbish driver of the Rolls, “Hey, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The snob looks over and says simply, “Yes, I have a phone.” The Yuppie says, “Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo! The Snob, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The Yuppie says, “That’s great! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The Snob, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The Yuppie says, “Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the Snob sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the Snob picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So he begins searching for the Yuppie, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The Snob gets out and knocks on the window on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the Yuppie stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Snob stated arrogantly. The Yuppie looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
Tell me why:
Why does the word “sanction” mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllable”?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it’s called a ‘near miss’. Shouldn’t it be called a ‘near hit’?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it’s on you can see it’s on, when it off you can’t see to read.
How do you know when it’s an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 90 miles per hour with her face up next t o her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Stupid women drivers!
Crack photographer: A porno film-maker (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Shoemaker’s daughter, but she gave the boys her awl and stuck to the last.
ALCHOHOLICS do it with spirit.
I’m not saying she’s easy, but she has an IUD with a beeper!
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
A 72 year old man was sitting in his boat fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’ The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’ With age comes wisdom.
A Few Blonde Jokes:
One hot summer day, a blonde come to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The blonde said it was hers. ’Your dog seems to be in heat,’ the officer said. The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ‘cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’ The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’ ‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ‘cause I fed her this morning.’ The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’ The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the 25th floor. On the 3rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair, but an obvious amount of dandruff, gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.” To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”
A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Niagara River. She went to the Rainbow Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said, ‘Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day. ‘Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, ‘I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.’ The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. ‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,’ she explained.. ‘I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.’ ‘He certainly is,’ the captain said. ‘This is the Maid of The Mist.’
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. .......... you’re listening to your I-pod!
What is a grandparent? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples’.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
A six year old was asked where his Grandma lived. He said, “Oh, she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.
Grandpa is the smartest man on Earth! He teaches me good things. But I don’t see him enough to get as smart as him.
It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Two friends were walking through the desert. During some part of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who was slapped was hurt but, without saying anything, wrote in the sand, “Today my best friend slapped me in the face.” They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and was drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone, “Today my best friend saved my life.” The friend who had both slapped and saved his best friend asked, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone. Why?” The friend replied, “When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can erase it.”
Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
Resist valuing the things in your life in favour of valuing the people in your life!
“But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it’s a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments.”—David Letterman
“And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the do-not-fly list.”—Jay Leno
”Well, I mean, what’ll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don’t want them in their state or their district. Other countries don’t want them. Although, today, New York City’s Yellow Cab Company said, ‘Hey, we’ll take them.’”—Jay Leno
“This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He’s too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country.”—Jay Leno
“Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, ‘I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I’ll tell you about it.’”—Conan O’Brien
“President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?”—Jay Leno
”Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it pre-empted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called ‘30 Rocks.’”—Jay Leno
“Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as ‘an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.’”—Conan O’Brien
”Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right.”—Conan O’Brien
“It’s a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he’s doing. Yesterday, he was on ‘The View,’ the ‘Today’ show, and ‘Good Morning America.’ Today, his hair was on ‘Animal Planet’ and ‘Unsolved Mysteries.’”—Craig Ferguson
“Today, President Barack Obama’s first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they ‘unclench their fist,’ we will shake their hand. But they’re hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer.”—Jimmy Kimmel
The most popular movie theses days is “Slum Dog Millionaire’ and the least popular politician is “Scumbag Million Hairs”, Rod Blagojevich. – Jon Stewart
“I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back.”—Jay Leno
“Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony.”—Jay Leno
“You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something.”—Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel ‘The View.’”—Jay Leno
”After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it’s gonna be on Verizon.”—Jay Leno
”Actually, it’s a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They’re calling it a ‘BarackBerry.’ This is true. It doesn’t even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope.”—Jay Leno
“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, his impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday. You know, so, it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They have one politician sitting in the White House, the other one sitting in the big house. It’s a wash, pretty much.”—Jay Leno
“Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama’s president, Michael Jackson said he’s thinking about being black again.”—Jay Leno
“The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-temp of the Senate, she is next. Which means they’re going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-temp of the Senate.”—Jay Leno
”Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She’s out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out ‘cause of tax issues. The good news, she’s still eligible to be treasury secretary.”—Jay Leno
“Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That’s big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.”—Conan O’Brien
”Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It’s cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.”
“Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they’ll be no monologue.”—Jay Leno
”And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’”—Jay Leno
“Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to.”—Jay Leno
”And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there.”—Jay Leno
”No, apparently the chief justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully.”—Jay Leno
“And yesterday had the largest gathering of celebrities for any inauguration ever. In fact, there were so many celebrities and politicians together, it broke the old record set by the Betty Ford Clinic.”—Jay Leno
“And at the congressional luncheon held after he took office, President Obama asked lawmakers to reflect on what we know is in the hearts of the American people. Turns out, it’s grease, fat, and lots of cholesterol.”—Jay Leno
”Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, right?”—Jay Leno
“Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his failure to pay taxes was just a ‘careless mistake.’ See, remember it was an honest mistake last week, now it’s a ‘careless mistake.’ He says he does his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that’s great. So the guy who’s going to be in charge of the IRS is not a criminal, phew, just incompetent.”—Jay Leno
“Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn’t really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.” --Conan O’Brien
“This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next ‘Batman’ movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side.”—Conan O’Brien
David Letterman’s Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, “America’s Funniest Haircuts.”
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like “BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH.”
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don’t know ... how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, “You Betcha!” a lot.
1. Uhhh...resign?
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ The husband replied: ‘I’m watching The Superbowl with my son-in-law.’
A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies. The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?’ The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?’ The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?’ Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, ‘Just where the hell are you from?’ The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, ‘You tell me. You’re the expert.’
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he’s looking for. He looks up and says, “I’m afraid this is serious. We’ll have to operate!” “Operate?”, exclaims the fellow, “Why, Doc? What’s the problem?” “Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You’ve developed the same sort of thing. You’ve got a brothel sprout.”
A Yuppie driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolls down his window and shouts to the snobbish driver of the Rolls, “Hey, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The snob looks over and says simply, “Yes, I have a phone.” The Yuppie says, “Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo! The Snob, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The Yuppie says, “That’s great! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The Snob, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The Yuppie says, “Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the Snob sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the Snob picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So he begins searching for the Yuppie, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The Snob gets out and knocks on the window on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the Yuppie stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Snob stated arrogantly. The Yuppie looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
Tell me why:
Why does the word “sanction” mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllable”?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it’s called a ‘near miss’. Shouldn’t it be called a ‘near hit’?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it’s on you can see it’s on, when it off you can’t see to read.
How do you know when it’s an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 90 miles per hour with her face up next t o her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Stupid women drivers!
Crack photographer: A porno film-maker (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Shoemaker’s daughter, but she gave the boys her awl and stuck to the last.
ALCHOHOLICS do it with spirit.
I’m not saying she’s easy, but she has an IUD with a beeper!
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
A 72 year old man was sitting in his boat fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’ The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’ With age comes wisdom.
A Few Blonde Jokes:
One hot summer day, a blonde come to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The blonde said it was hers. ’Your dog seems to be in heat,’ the officer said. The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ‘cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’ The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’ ‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ‘cause I fed her this morning.’ The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’ The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the 25th floor. On the 3rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair, but an obvious amount of dandruff, gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.” To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”
A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Niagara River. She went to the Rainbow Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said, ‘Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day. ‘Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, ‘I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.’ The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. ‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,’ she explained.. ‘I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.’ ‘He certainly is,’ the captain said. ‘This is the Maid of The Mist.’
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. .......... you’re listening to your I-pod!
What is a grandparent? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples’.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
A six year old was asked where his Grandma lived. He said, “Oh, she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.
Grandpa is the smartest man on Earth! He teaches me good things. But I don’t see him enough to get as smart as him.
It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Two friends were walking through the desert. During some part of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who was slapped was hurt but, without saying anything, wrote in the sand, “Today my best friend slapped me in the face.” They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and was drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone, “Today my best friend saved my life.” The friend who had both slapped and saved his best friend asked, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone. Why?” The friend replied, “When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can erase it.”
Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
Resist valuing the things in your life in favour of valuing the people in your life!
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