Archive 5

Top Ten Ways You Know You Might Be Too Old For BDSM:
10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.
9. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.
8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.
7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, you have to specify "walking" or "beating".
6. You can't tell the difference between your tatoos and your age spots.
5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.
4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.
3. Your idea of suspension is an Ultra-Lift Bra.
2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me. ..back into the paddle....HARD!"
And the #1 way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:
1. Age play really is 24/7.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

There once was a man from Racinewho invented a screwing machine.Concave or convex,it would take either sex,entertaining itself in between.

Sign on a plumbing company's van: "A flush beats a full house!"
Pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

What do you call a well-hung Irishman? Miles O'Toole!
Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming? Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.
Did you know that you can use Jiff Peanut Butter to remove onion, garlic or fish (including other fishy smells) from your hands?

15 Things to do at WalMart while your spouse/shopping partner is taking their sweet time: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares"...and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "Pick ME! Pick ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!" And last but not least: 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!!"

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction: "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!" If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If however, they stare at you with blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Report them to the authorities at once. CSIS or the Mounties, it's your choice. The passage cited above contains no fewer than 18 different Canadianisms. In order, they are: - pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not working. - mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.) - C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club. - beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians. - skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers. - muskeg: Boggy swampland. - duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's French and English. - deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile." - chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians. - Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get his man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.) - snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)
- ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness. - impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills"). - S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament. - Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front. and back! - toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields. - chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada) - shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.) Sorry, eh.

This item was sent to me by a woman (my mother, actually):
“Who makes the coffee? Did you know it's biblically scripted that man should make the coffee each morning? Yup, it's in the Bible -- You never saw it there have you? Well.... it says... Are you ready? Are you sure? It says... ‘Hebrews!’”
Let it be known, however, that I have it on the highest male authority on the subject (Steve Levitt) that this actually refers not to coffee, as women would have us believe (yes, even my dear, sweet mother), but to the making of BEER!!!

Give a man enough rope and he'll claim he's tied up at the office. The Masai tribe of Africa use cow manure as a cold cream for their complexions. Thus, the Masai get literally shit-faced. Gigolo: A fee male. Insects: How people with unconventional beliefs congregate. Bank: A large impressive institution where you keep the government's money until April 15th. Slip Cover: A maternity dress.

If you weighed 200 lbs on earth you would weigh about 33 pounds on the moon.

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night,"

PRODUCTS COMPETING WITH VIAGRA Vigor Mortis Chubmeisterin Nice-a-Boni Firmicox Upsydaisium Newman's Own Peter Pill Mydixapokin PeneTrex Erectomycin I Can't Believe It's Not Flaccid! St. John's Pork Fuchinacea Jimmy Dean's Sausage Helper Nuprick Dr. Wong's Essence of Small, Harmless, Endangered Animal TrimFast Bonertin Dr. Pecker Jizzquil Grogaine: Most users can expect to see some evidence of an erection in 3-6 months.

How can you tell which bottle contains the P.M.S. medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... " And the blonde said:.......... "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Headlines that Make you Wanna Give your Head a Shake:
ANT-NUDITY LAW TO GET CLOSER LOOK
FLASHER CASE NEARLY WRAPPED, CAMPUS POLICE SAY
HEALTH INSURERS SHOULD COVER NEW BREASTS
ARGUS MAKES OFFER TO SCREW CO. STOCKHOLDERS
FEMALE POLITICIANS TO DICUSS SACRIFICES, JOYS OF PUBIC SERVICE
COLUMBUS DISCOVERED VIRGINS AND THEY ARE STILL FASCINATING
FORMER STATE TROOPER LOSES APPEAL IN SEX CASE
EASTERN PILOTS MOUNT PICKETS AT AIRPORT
WOMAN TO DROP SUIT FOR SPERM
WOMEN SOUGHT FOR STATE POLICE
VENEREAL DISEASE IS LINKED TO CRACK
PRO BALLER DIES IN BED
BLOODY BUTT HURTS RAMIREZ
BEAUTY QUEEN UNVEILS BUST AT DEDICATION CEREMONY
FATHER OF 9 FINED $100 FOR FAILING TO STOP
MASSIVE ORGAN DRAWS CROWDS
TWO RECRUITS SATISFY ESU WOMEN’S COACH
DO-IT-YOURSELF PREGNANCY KIT TO GO ON SALE
RHODE ISLAND SECRETARYEXCITES FURNITURE EXPERTS
ON-THE-JOB SEX HARASSMENT RESPONSIBILITY OF EMPLOYEES
PEOPLE SHOULD EVACUATE WHEN GAS ODOUR PRESENT
L. I. STIFFENS FOR CONNIE’S BLOW
SPERMICIDE MAKER SCORED
LAWMAKERS HOPE TO PASS WATER, OTHER BILLS IN TRENTON
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
BREAST IMPLANTS SEIZED BY MARSHALLS
Probably the most titillating typographical misfortune ever appeared in the Green Bay Press-Gazette when then-governor Tommy Thompson was in the process of vetoing a record number of items from the state budget and the headline read:
THOMPSON’S PENIS A SWORD
Rumour has it that the Smucker's brand annual company party will have The Dead performing live for the guests. A Smucker's brand marketing dweeb explained, "We heard they're still the greatest Jam band around..."

Moishe asked Harry,”Was your wife outspoken?” Harry said, “Not by anyone I know of.”

Signs seen around the home:
SO THIS ISN'T "HOME SWEET HOME.....ADJUST"
RING BELL FOR MAID SERVICE. IF NO ANSWER, DO IT YOURSELF!!!
I CLEAN HOUSE EVERY OTHER DAY. TODAY IS THE OTHER DAY.
I CAME, I SAW, I DECIDED TO ORDER TAKE OUT.
I'D LIVE LIFE IN THE FAST LANE, BUT I AM MARRIED TO A SPEED BUMP.

The young male racehorse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!' ?"

When I woke up this morning I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. Why am I still here, you ask? After the first two, I felt better.

Here’s the skinny on men – according to women:
- If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during the play-off season of any sport. - All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals/tennis shoes - Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. - Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. - Men don't get cellulite. Most women believe for that reason alone, God might just be a male. - Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women may need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help them get dressed easier and quicker. - When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. - Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

And since turnabout is fair play:
Women are just like orange juice cartons. It’s not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking flaps to open!

Absent-minded is hardly the word for the pretty secretary who left her clothes at the office and took her boss to the cleaner.

Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? He was half nuts!!! And he was so thick he thought a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.

There was a young lass of Rhodesia,Who said "If the front hole don't please ya...For a reasonable sum,You can try the old bum...But mind that the tapeworms don't seize ya!"
There was a young lady called Annie,Who had lice, fleas and crabs up her fanny,A trip up her flue,Was like a day at the zoo,With wildlife in each nook and cranny.

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first Brownie.

J. Edgar, he knew that the crux Of gangster control was big bucks. Some said he was queer, But that was a smear; It's the other Hoover that sucks.

TOP TEN NAMES for the NEW ENRON SPIN-OFF COMPANY!
10. Encurly, Enlarry or Enmoe (a three way tie!)9. I Can't Believe It's Not Enron!8. ScamCo7. Enron II: Oil, Gas and Electric Boogaloo6. The White Collar Syndicate5. The Amalgamated Profiteering Co.4. The Pyramid Sche - I mean Group!3. ILM (International Loot and Monopoly)2. Excon ("Because everyone deserves a second chance!")1. Mother Raping Baby Eaters Incorporated

The teacher asks her young students, "Can any of you use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence?" Little Anne raises her hand and says, "My mom's flowers are green, pink, and yellow." The teacher says, "Very good Anne!" Then Ronny raises his hand. He says, "Last night we had cake with green, pink, and yellow frosting." The teacher says, "Very good Ronny!" Then Little Pablo raises his hand. He says, "The phone go green, green; I pink up the phone and say, 'Yellow!'"
A young blonde woman was sitting in a movie theater lobby crying. The theater manager sees her and asks "What's wrong?" Still blubbering she points to a poster of a movie and replies "I really wanted to see that movie but it says MUST BE 18!" Manager asks "Well, how old ARE you?" She said: "23." Did you here about the Newfie who bought his wife a wig? He had heard that she was getting balled at the office. Clinton was very proud that he created 14 million new jobs. Of course 13 million of them were comedians.

TOP TEN SONGS for NARCISSISTS!
11. "All you Need is Me" by The Meatles (from their debut album, "Beat the Meatles")
10. "Ode to Me" by the Lovely Ludwig Van
9. "Happy Together (Because I'm There)" by the Turtling Turds
8. "Loving Me Is Easy (Cuz I'm Beautiful)" by MeMe Ripperton
7. "Every Breath I Take (You'll be Watching Me)" by The Police State
6. "I'm So Vain (I Probably Think this Song is About Me)" by that Chick with the Great Big Mouth
5. "You Oughta Know (That I Am Awesome)" by Atlantis Morningsick
4. "Me, Myself and I" by the Mirrortones
3. "I Love Me (I Honestly Love Me)" by Olivia Elton John Travolta
2. "Knowing Me, Knowing Me (Ah-ha!)" By ABBA (Arrogant, Boastful, Bloviating Assholes)
1. Any "song" released by any hip-hop "artist" during the last eight years.

And from the Celebrity Jeopardy file: Alex: “Name a wood that doesn't float.” Christopher Walken: “Natalie Wood!”

Why does an elephant have four feet? Because it wouldn't work with six inches!

According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times? That's something to keep in mind
next time you're looking for a used car.

I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.

Since the issue of gay marriage has come to the fore here in Ontario, here’s some food for thought:

NEW AND IMPROVED GAY AND LESBIAN WEDDING RULES
-Now that Canadian Gay Marriages have been legalized, here are the new rules for gar and lesbian weddings:
-On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
-Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy,
something dirty.
-It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
-Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs
and sugar.
-It's definitely unacceptable to bend over, pat your ass and talk about what a great night it's going to be on the
honeymoon night.
-It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
-During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers.
-It's in bad taste to tell everyone at the reception what a great lay you were given on your first date.
-For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
-The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
-Serving stuffed peppers at a gay wedding or crab cakes at a lesbian wedding is a no-no.
-The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men or I Will Survive.
-The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
-At lesbian wedding it is not proper for the wedding kiss to involve ones tongue going down the others throat.
-At gay weddings the wedding kiss should not involve grabbing the other grooms ass and giving it a squeeze.

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
I thought I’d repeat this item from a couple of years ago. For those not familiar with this, Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. As an observant Orthodox Jew, she recently said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Abomination is abomination! Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I just wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December: A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?" "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?" As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's Wife?"

Well Toronto's ‘SARS-Stock’ went off extremely well (over 450,000 hot bodies groovin' to the Stones, AC DC and the Can-Con regulars, Guess Who, Rush etc. - oh! did I forget Justin Timberflake?) and local businesses around the Downsview airport lands were delighted that there were no glitches this time like the overflow of the sewers for the Pope’s appearance there last year. Someone quipped to Gerrit DeBoer, president of Idomo Furniture, “You must be happy they did a much better job this time?” He said, ”No shit!”

If you are an average North American, in your life, you will spend an average of six months waiting at red lights. And what do you think all those Chinese are doing? If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction and you all know what's required for that. ? Sure as hell it’s not sitting on one's ass waiting for the light to change.

A Limerick Is Best When It's Lewd,Gross, Titillating And Crude.But This One Is CleanUnless You Are SeenReading It Aloud In The Nude.

Two families move from India to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win. A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?" The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head!"

There once was a maiden from Chichester Whose beauty made saints in their niches stir. One Sunday in mass She dared show her ass, and Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.

Differences between a nympho, a hooker and a wife:- The nympho says, "You're done already?", the hooker says, "Are you done yet?", the wife says "Hurry up. Let’s get this over with." - A wife doesn't want it, a nympho has to have it and a hooker just wants the money. - A hooker says "faster, faster", a nympho says "harder, harder" and a wife says "Beige...I think we'll paint the ceiling beige" - You have to pay for the hooker, you run from the nympho and you have to beg your wife.

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find a public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London Bobby showed up. "See here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak." "Well, you can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton. But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the best cotton-picking hoer in the county."

Here's to the girl named Louise Who's pussy hair hung to her knees The crabs got together And Knitted a sweater So in the winter her pussy won't freeze.

What do you get when you give Viagra to a fourteen year old? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick? You could get foot in mouth disease.

- Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.
- One woman's hobby is usually another woman's hubby.
- The easiest way to make your old car run better is to check the prices of a new car.
- It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.
- If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, best get one who knows the judge.
- A man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
- I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
- Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Morris, a patient in a nursing home, was airing his woes to the doctor about his sex life with his new girlfriend. "After the first, I'm tired. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal." " Well,” said the doctor,” why don't you just quit after the first?" "How can I do that?" said the patient. " She lives on the third floor."

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in theweek his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. -Bob Hope
So long Bob! May your hereafter be a good one after the 100 years of laughs and countless fundraisers, benefits and entertaining you did for the world.

Two guys from Saskatoon saved up their money and took a winter trip to Australia, When they got off the plane, still dressed for Canadian winter weather, they wandered into a pub and sat down. The Aussie at the next table looked over at the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?" "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," they replied. "Oh," said the Aussie, going back to his business at his table. "So where are they from?" the other locals asked. "Don't know," the man replied. "They don't speak English."

On the side of an ice delivery truck somewhere in Canada: "I only have ice for you".

Sign in the parking lot at the Planned Parenthood office: "Be careful pulling out"

Great bumper sticker: Ask me about my vow of silence.

A Limerick Has Only Five LinesThe First Two And Last One All Rhyme.Lines Four And ThreeMust Rhyme Perfectly.While The Rhythm Is Somewhat Like Mine.

A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-Dichloro-
DiphenylTrichloroethane (DDT)

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the docs house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny and a nickel. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."

An elephant asks a camel : " Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well" says the camel "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose got a dick on his face."

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

Our son went on a class trip to a farm with his teacher who was English. When he returned my wife asked David if he had enjoyed the trip. "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers." My wife stammered, “I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?" David said matter-of-factly, ”They're the animals that give us milk". My wife asked, "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?" David replied, "That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare the evening meal for her family and guests when, in her haste, she accidentally spilled a jar of spice all over herself. Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, "Hey, Mom, I need someone to talk to." The mother incredulously replied, "Why would you possibly choose NOW to try to talk to me?!?" To which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked like . . . you had some thyme on your hands."

What's the difference between a girl and a computer? Girls won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking. Health Canada should take note of that penis study. There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population ... of this man hath no greater fear. To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division -- currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra -- to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs. Here's what they came up with.
- These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.
- Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
- If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
- Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
- Smoke rises -- you may not.
- Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were capable of conceiving any.
- Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
- How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?
- The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
- Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
- Continue Smoking-- You just put your sex life in your hands

Questions from travelers who shouldn’t be let out unaccompanied:
- One woman requested an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A man enquired about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, he asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
- One woman who wanted to go to Capetown. While explaining the length of the flight and the passport information she interrupted the agent with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, the agent calmly explained, "Cape COD is in Massachusetts, CapeTOWN is in Africa." Her response...click.
- One man asked, "Is it possible to see England From Canada?" After receiving a negative response he said "But they look so close on the map."
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. Noticing on the reservation that he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas, the agent asked him why he wanted to rent a car. He said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
-One nice lady needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. The agent tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, he told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
- A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" the agent said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while he "looked into it" (he was actually laughing) he came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
- One man asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" When the agent asked him what exactly he meant, he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
- A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." The agent asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
- A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the agent reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." The agent double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
- A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words, but managed to ask, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

Points to ponder:
- All men are animals. Some just make better pets.
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

And then there was the blonde who got two dogs, which she named Rolex and Timex. When asked why, she responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Well, they paid good wages, but it was the most disgusting place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!" "I pretty near dropped dead when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine." "Well, I just got my hat and coat and was leaving and darned if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

On Henpecked Husbands:
- He wears the pants in the house - under his apron.
- He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
- She leads a double life - hers and his.
- He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
- She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
- He always has the last word - he says, "I apologize".
- He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
- The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
- He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
- He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued.
- He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.
- She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
- She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
- He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
- Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.

A friend of mine’s power mower was broken so his wife kept nagging him that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Out of desperation, when my friend arrived home one day, he found his wife seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again, he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks." He will be just fine when they take the casts off.

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
- Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, New York, New York.

On aging:
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know WHY I look this way.
- I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated at the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "Oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "Oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass? Because it could well be the last time he'll put his foot down.

A Limerick Of Classic ProportionShould Have Meter And Rhyme And ProportionOf Humor Quite LewdAnd Frightfully CrudeImpossible Sexual Contortion.There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."

After fifteen years, Gordon Jump will be handing over the reins of the Maytag Repairman role to some dude named Hardy Rawls at the end of this summer. The guy who had the role before Jump was Jesse White, who played "Old Lonely" (as they call him in the promotional materials) from 1967 until 1988, when he died. Given he’s still breathing, which heretofore seems to have been the only job requirement, it kinda makes you wonder what Mister Carlson did to get himself fired.

A priest stopping by a sports bar leaned over to a fellow watching a baseball game, and said, "You know, if Jesus had played baseball, he would have been the greatest baseball player ever!" The fellow thought about it for a second and replied, "You know, if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholic's would have beer and hot dogs for communion!"

Then there was the blonde who kept a stick of dynamite in her Emergency Repair Kit just in case she had a flat and need to blow up a tire.

On the Institution of Marriage:
- Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
- Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
- Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is.
- Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
- It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business!

"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

Why does Preznit Dubya always wear neckties? Keeps the foreskin down!

Martha Stewart Living Fall Lifestyle Tips:
- Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
- Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball point pen is tres passé. Slice in something seasonal--like a pineapple. Or a classic like sparkling stars.
- Tired of your daily ration of meat cakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty of viscous tomato puree or catsup. Remember that not only does catsup kill the taste, it's almost a vegetable.
- Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom Salt should flush that precious package right out!
- Your submissive cell-mate deserves a treat! A little hint of lavender or vanilla will scent the sock you
stuff in your bitch's mouth before dolling out sorely needed discipline. Aromatherapy... it's a good thang.
- Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prison yard sun.
Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset; Pumpkin; Life Preserver;
Electric Sunkist.

I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket... WOMAN GETS PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA". Is that proof enough for you that the rhythm method just doesn't work?

And now for some pearls of wisdom forwarded to me by my twin sister, who knows I value any and all elucidation on a subject very dear to my far... I mean heart. If you don't believe Mrs. Malaprop's adage that constipation is the sincerest form of flatus, then pull my finger! Here it is folks - Everything you ever wanted to know about farts and were afraid to ask!

The Farting Truth: (direct from the anals, sorry, annals of Encyclopaedia Farticus):

The odour of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts? Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane, with respect to odour, and don't feel particularly warm.

Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day? On average, a person produces about half a litre of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose? Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell? Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly at the same time we hear them.

Is it true that some people never fart? No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart? Yes. Actually, most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving them and expelling more gas per fart than men do.

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts? Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart? A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart? Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual? People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end? No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts? There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach-ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart? As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

Do all people fart in their sleep? I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

Where do farts go when you hold them in? How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

How do you keep farts from stinking? There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butthole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.
Is it really possible to ignite farts? The answer to that is YES! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

Why is possible to burn farts? Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same as that was used in the ill-fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

So...now you know.
Over the years California-bashing has been good sport. Now that they have like over a hundred candidates for Governor, it should become a refined art form. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs. California is a lot like one of those new health food cereals – when you take away all the nuts and the fruits, all that’s left are the flakes! You know you're in California when...1. Your co-worker has 20 body piercings and only four are visible.2. You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people conversing in English.4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?6. You've been to a baby shower for the two mothers and sperm donor.7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian!8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.11. Gas cost 50 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sun glasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman whodelivers your mail is into S&M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.16. You can't remember...is pot illegal?17. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM TaeBo class. 19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy on their cell phones or checking their pagers. 20. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early. 21. Hey! IS Pot Illegal? 22. You and your dog have the same therapist.
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray......... ....the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

And Finally:
There is Oyvay .......... but the family doesn't like to talk about him much.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old chum, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want. After all, you're the guv…" But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch." This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks. I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right. Well, sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" queries Noah. "Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, my old mucker, let me get this right. You want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check". "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

If you wants to understand your kids, you jest gots to keep up with the new lingo, right dude? Here's a primer to help out us ancient homies:
- Bait/bait out: Also, caught/caught out. Obvious parental inferences. "No, I can't go to the mall. I've been bait out."
- Bling/bling bling: Noun and verb, describing the wearing of ostentatious jewellery. "That's some bling you got there." Role model: Rap artist and recording mogul Sean (P. Diddy) Combs. According to The New York Times Magazine, "bling blinging is most easily understood as flaunting that $1 million Piaget diamond-crusted watch. It doesn't tell time any better than a plastic Casio; it does send a clear message that the wearer has money to burn."
- Bounce: Leave, clear out. "I'm bored. Let's bounce."
- Cheddar/chedda: Money. One Internet site suggests this usage: "Yo, what's up with that cheddar you owe me?" Try it three times in the privacy of your bathroom. Try not to laugh.
- Chill/chillin': Hanging out, as in, "We're just chillin'." Replaced the very west coast "kicking back," which was replaced by "kickin' it" before re-emerging as "chillin'." Resist the temptation to show off your knowledge by talking about The Big Chill. They don't care.
- Chillax: To chill and relax concur-rently. This may sound redundant. Advice: It's unwise to suggest any grammatical points of weakness to the tribe, as you run the risk of being shut out of further explanations of what the words actually mean. (Also, chizzil.)
- Crib: Home. Or where one hangs. Hence, "I gotta head back to the crib." Gives a clear picture of how the linguist views home life.
- Cris: Fine, good. Pronounced with a hard C and short I. "How ya doin?" "Cris."
- Dawg: Friend. "'Sup, dawg?"
- Dude: So done, yet still in use -particularly among skaters (skateboarders). "Dude, awesome fakey 180 grind."
- Fa'sheezy, fasheezi, fashazel, fo'shizzle: And other variations, all meaning "for sure."
- Fly: In style. Cool. Can also refer to a person deemed attractive. "That's so fly." Or "She's fly."
- Funky: No, it isn't back. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention.
- Homie: Pal. Buddy. "Yo, homie, 'sup?" Plural usage, variously, homes or homies.
- Homeboy/homegirl: Boyfriend, girlfriend.
- Ill: The word formerly known as "cool." (See "Sick.") Appears to have gained universal popularity. Usually uttered in the unelaborative answers common to the teen fraternity: "That's ill, bro."
- Lampin': West coast equivalent of chillin'.
- Old school (or Old skool): This one's tricky. Means old style that's back in style. Translation: everything you threw away in the '70s. May include macramé.
- Overshare: A shortcut for telling the speaker he/she is offering too much information. "So I coughed and this really icky green stuff..." "Overshare!"
- Phat: Way cool, way attractive. Can be used to describe a person, though now more commonly used to describe a thing or circumstance. Various attempts have been made to explain the word's origins, including an acronym for Pretty Hips and Thighs. Best not to go there, but stick with the obvious: What's phat is phat.
- Poseur: "He's such a poseur." No surprises here. A poseur is someone who pretends to be something he/she is not, or who pretends to be able to do something he/she cannot. "He says he can do a 50-50." "No way. He's such a poseur."
- Random: When people say or do something unexpected. "What Sheila said, that was so random." Also describes anyone new, uninvited, unwanted, uncool, out of place, etc. "The party sucked. All these randoms showed up."
- Sick: Cool. (See "Ill.") According to The Seattle Times, sportscasters have started using this phrase on air, a sure sign that its days are numbered. "That Junk Yard Dog, he's sick, man."
- Sketchy: Opposite of sick. Something cheap, done to a poor standard. "That movie was sketchy."
- Suuweeet: Must be drawn out in that way, uttered, if possible, with a note of wonderment. "Did you see that backflip? That was suuweeet!" Without the emphasis, it does not work. This one has been around for a dog's age.
- Trippin': To have a problem, the non-psychedelic version. "She's trippin'."
- Truethat: That's right. Sometimes said as "tru dat." When you ask the question, "Did you clean up your dishes?" this is unlikely to be the response.
- Whack: Really good. Or really bad. Depends entirely on inflection. "Oh, she's so whack." (Good.) "Oh that movie was so whack." (Bad.)
- Whackasella: Some thing or person that is whack in either a good or bad way. See above.
- Wassup: The self-explanatory catch-phrase that will not die. Incongruously launched at the 2000 Super Bowl as the central sound bite to a Budweiser commercial. Pronounced "Whaazzaah?" Abbreviation: 'Sup?
- Word: Amen. Used to concur with something said by someone else. Unlikely to be used in response to any expression/phrase/request/ command issued by a parent. Also, word-up, meaning 'sup?

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest &Julio Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ...
1. Nasti Spumante
And who says they don't know wine in Arkansas?

Two men in a bar are discussing their wives, when one admitted he had killed his that very morning. "Why did you do it?" asked the other. "She kept complaining about my bike being untidy in the garage." The second man said "You're kidding me right? You didn't really kill your wife this morning?" "I certainly did kill her this morning," said the first, "Come with me, and I'll show you". With that the two of them left the bar and walked to a house, they went to the garden, and there was a fresh mound of earth, with a woman's ass sticking out the top. "Is that her?" asked the second man. "Yes." said the first. "Why did you leave her ass sticking out like that?" "Well, I needed somewhere to park my bike."

A West Virginia man went to the doctor and said: "It's time I got my daughter on the birth control pills." "But Cletus," said the doctor, "she's awfully young! Is she sexually active?" "No," Cletus replied. "She just lays there like her mother!"

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. 'Hello', he says, 'I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down, I wonder could I have a bed for the night?' 'Well', says the farmer, there's only two rooms, meself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other'. 'Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house', says the greatest truck driver in the world. 'All right' says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare arse going up and down. He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. 'All right', he says, 'if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, let’s see you reverse out of there with a full load.......'

Things to ponder:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

The blonde confided in a friend, "When my sugar daddy dies, I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles." "You mean testament," chuckled her brunette friend. "No, testicles..." said the blonde, "I've got him by the balls."

And then there was the blonde who used a vibrator while she was pregnant. The kid stutters.

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"

In a telephone conference yesterday, several Democratic candidates for president said they would appoint a gay man to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately, gay men said they won't join the court, because the robes make them look fat.

A blonde was in a small accident but luckily ended up with only a few minor scrapes on her forehead. When she returned to the doctor a few days later for a check-up, he asked, “How’s your head?” She replied, ”Well I haven’t had any complaints yet!”

What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging? A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Who was the greatest electronics inventor of all time? God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose situation? He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

How do you identify a bald eagle? All of his feathers are combed to one side

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

A friend of mine who’s an asthmatic got an obscene phone call last week in the middle of an attack. He said, "Did I call
you or did you call me?"

Makeup artists swear by Preparation H to get rid of puffiness around the eyes. Smooth it on to the eye area and wait. It acts as a vasoconstrictor and really works. However, this should not be used very often. Also, be careful not to get Preparation H in our eyes. Guys, just remember not to get any on your dick.

SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER MESSAGES
Here are 16 actual error messages reportedly seen on the
computer screens in Japan, all written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

The Web site you seek
cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace cell phone for women. that hangs down in a woman's cleavage. The only problem women have with it; when it rings, every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'

The judge turns to the woman and says: "I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds he's an uncouth slob. Can you give me an example of this?" "Yes, your Honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out" "There's nothing wrong with that madam, in fact, it's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out" says the judge. "But your honour" replies the woman " I wasn't talking about his finger"

The Top 16 Most Famous Quotes From Redneck Movies:
16. "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first and second cousin, your nephew..."
15. "We'll always have Wal-Mart."
14. "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."
13. "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
12. "Houston, we have a 'possum."
11. "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"
10. "I feel the need... the need for sheep."
9. "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
8. "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
7. "I... see... Black people."
6. "Use the horse, Luke!"
5. "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack Daniel's."
4. "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good tractor pull, kid."
3. "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five? Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
2. "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker – you never know what you're gonna' get.'"
And The Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...
1. "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

What if some famous movies were remade to fit into today's pop culture? Instead of being in boring old English they'd be
written in Ebonics. I've taken the liberty of translating a few easily identifiable movie quotes into this new language for your reading pleasure.
-"Luke, I'm your father." - Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" - Ebonics: "Later, bitch!"
"To be or not to be? That is the question." - Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit"
"I'll be back." - Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass."
"We're off to see the wizard." - Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."
"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!'" - Ebonics: Fuuuck You!
"We're going to need a bigger boat." - Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha fucka? Turn this piece-a-shit around and get my black ass back to shore!

Love: Before and After:BEFORE - You take my breath away.AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.BEFORE - Saturday Night FeverAFTER - Monday Night FootballBEFORE - Is that all you're having?AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.BEFORE - $60/doz.AFTER - $1.50/stemBEFORE - We agree on everything.AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?BEFORE - Charming and NobleAFTER - ChernobylBEFORE - IdolAFTER - IdleBEFORE - He's completely lost without me.AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccinoAFTER - Bagel and instantBEFORE - OystersAFTER – Fishsticks

George vs. George vs. George on important ideas
- "I learned in business that you had to be very careful when you told somebody that's working for you to do something, because the chances were very high he'd do it. In government, you odn't have to worry about that." -- George Shultz
- "Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it." -- George Bernard Shaw
- "Give me my golf clubs, the fresh air and a beautiful woman as a partner - and you can have the golf clubs and the fresh air." -- George Burns

New York Times - Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he
shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway...

Why are New Yorkers always depressed? The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey

WEIRD FOOD NEWS TIDBIT OF THE WEEK
Arlington Massachusetts is currently home to the world's only "Burnt Food Museum". The museum's art pieces range from a ten-year-old burnt apple cake to permanently preserved burned shrimp kabobs. Although the museum normally pulls in over 25,000 visitors every year, it is currently closed, due to fire damage.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil. He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back. So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude, even though I know
that someday there'll be Hell toupee.

Scientists have just discovered that there is a component in red wine called resveratrol that mimics the effect of a low calorie diet. So dump your aspartamic Diet Coke, and suck back a litre of 'Eatenough du Pape' with every supersized meal. How do you think those Frogs have been keeping so slim all those years while putting back all of those rich sauces? And come to think of it, that must explain why the 'coq' remains so skinny in all of that 'vin'!

And just for a laugh, how about a verse of 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame' in Yiddish.
Nem mich mit tsu der ball geym
Tsum oylem lomir doch geyn
Koyf mir di nislech un kerkerjek
Vil ich keyn mol fun dort nit avek
Git zey mut, mut, mut, di ball shpiler
Es past nit az men farshpilt,
Vayl s'iz eyns, tsvey, dray strikes, un oys
Bay der beysball shpil

While on a blind date in Chicago, the lady informed me, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body just like New Jersey." So, when I put my hands around her waist and asked, "What's this?" She replied, "This is Middlesex." I grabbed her butt and asked, "What's this?" She replied "Freehold." Then I fondled her breast and inquired "What's this?" She replied "Point Pleasant." Finally, I reached between her thighs for the grand prize and said, "I bet this is Cherry Hill?" "No", She replied, "That's Eatontown." I was so turned on that I unzipped and said, "Welcome to Wildwood!" Ya Gotta Love New Jersey!

Nervous about his first date, Benny asks his father for advice on what to talk about. The father tells him there are three subjects that always work: food, family, and philosophy. Benny picks up his date and they go out to a movie... On the way there, they stare straight ahead for a long time, as Benny's nervousness builds. Finally, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. "So, do you like spinach?" he asks his date. She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, Benny remembers his dad's second topic and turns to his date and asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, she says "No" and silence falls once more. They get to the movie and thankfully watch the show... On the way home, Bennie plays his last card. He asks the girl, "So, if you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

There once was a Goddess named Venus,
Whose disarming was awful and heinous,
For her name didn't rhyme,
With sweet words such as "thyme,"
So Zeus punished her for writing "penis."

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.

Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.

What's a wiener? The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican race!

Sex by Profession:
Accountants do it with Double Entry(cum again)
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest (don't do it with Bankers, most of them areTellers)
Bartenders do it on the Rock
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
Computer Technicians do it with hard drives
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Garbage men cum twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
IT programmers do it with their software
IRS investigatees just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
But worse are those bloody Politicians, all they do is talk about it......

Wait! There's more! How about these new sexual positions:
The Brainsqueeze: Otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly.
The Humidor:(Requires a cigar and an intern).
The Butt Rut:(self explanatory but obligatory reference to ass screwing).
The Monday Night Football Canine - or hard on meets game on: Actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team.
The Kentucky Derby:(aka Woman astride ) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreakhavoc on the bed linens!
The "Osama Bin Dover":(valley vixen)
The Bin Laden:Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.
Oral Submarine:The guy must Dive...Dive... Dive.
The Bugs Bunny:It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinnedbehind her head.
The British telecom position:You get FUCKED by them and they never call you back.
The Grenade Position:I'll lie down and you blow the hell out of me.
The Enron Position:No matter what, you're getting it up the ass.
Totally Screwed:The position you're in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you with someone else.

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin." A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed
everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

Menu from The Road Kill Cafe
Our Motto - You kill it - We grill it!
Eating food is more fun when you know it was hit on the run!

Entrees
Centre Line Bovine (Tastes real good - straight from the hood!) $4.95
The Chicken that didn't cross the road $3.95
Flat Cat (served as a single or in a stack) $2.95

A Taste of the Wild Side (still in the hide)
Chunk of Skunk $1.95
Smidgen of Pigeon $1.95
Road Toad a la Mode $1.65
Shake 'n' Bake Snake $2.25
Swirl of Squirrel $1.55
Whipporwill on a Grill $3.30
Narrow Sparrow $ .55
Rigor Mortis Tortoise $6.75

Bag 'n' Gag (our daily take out lunch special - Anything dead in Bread!)
Canine Cuisine - You'll eat like a dog when you taste our Hot Dog!)
Slab of Lab $2.95
Pit Bull Pot Pie $1.95
Cocker Cutlets $3.95
Sharpei Filet $3.95
Poodles 'n' Noodles $5.95
Snippet o' Whippet $4.50
Collie Hit by a Trolley $3.95
German Shepherd Pie $3.95
Round of Hound $4.25

Guess that mess! (A daily special treat - guess what it is and you can eat it for free!)

Late Night Delight: (Served fresh each night after dark)
Rack of Raccon $3.95
Smear of Deer $4.95
Awesome Possum $1.95
Cheap Sheep $ .45 (not baaaaaaaaaaad!)

My Girl Is So Big....
- She took off all her clothes, lay in bed, spread her legs. I said, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change.”
- She was always fat......She was born an only twin.
- She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the tusk fairy.
- She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger.
- Her last gynecologist quit........He was afraid of the dark.
- I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on...
Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built the sidewalks too close to her ass.

What Shakespeare Really Meant:
Shakespeare was a very wise man, but you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe:

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome men shave in the mornings." The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses." The third gay guy said, "I'd be an ambulance. I would love to have three or four men stuck through my rear at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."

The Singapore Tourism Board is honoring singer Ricky Martin by naming a yellow and crimson spotted orchid after him. In case you’re curious, the botanical name for it “Straightus Fatchanceofthateous”

Has anybody wondered about how different races or nationalities choose to insult each other?
The BRITISH...suggest you go and perpetrate a physical impossibility upon yourself.
The AMERICANS...call each other a mother violator; or an anal cavity.
The SPANISH...threaten to homosexually assault you, which they think somehow seems to enhance their macho image, or other insults are orientated towards various sexual parts of one's anatomy.
The RUSSIANS...express the desire to rape the other person's mother; whilst women call each other a vagina.
The FRENCH...order you to get sexually assaulted with a red hot poker or simply to get buggered.
The ROMANIANS...send you whence you came from upon entering this world; or worse, threaten to push you in themselves; and at their deadliest, they wish to sodomise your mother.
The GERMANS...content themselves with expressions relating to the weather, or to pigs, or to your IQ.
The AFRICANS...merely emit a long "ehhhhhhh!"
The ITALIANS...threaten buggery or suggest you should subject yourself to it.

Apart from the Germans and the Scandinavians, they all seem obsessed with some form of sexual activity. Whereas the FRENCH, the ITALIANS and the SPANISH all blaspheme, the ITALIANS and the SPANISH seem to include God to a greater degree in the most odious of their insults. Would any psychiatrist answer what is the cause of such differences? I wonder whose insults will win in the eventual European Community development and globalisation?

There once was a barmaid named Gale,
On whose breasts was the menu for ale,
But since she was kind,
For the sake of the blind,
On her ass it was printed in Braille.

To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive from the following choices:
Candy, Flowers, A sweet poem, Sex, Dinner/Dancing, Waffle iron.
CANDY - It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share. OR You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
FLOWERS - It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
A SWEET POEM - It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
SEX -It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.
DINNER/DANCING - It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
WAFFLE IRON - It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use. OR You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.

What's that old saying, 'The early computer geek gets the worm'.

25 Signs that you are online too much...
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can order pizza.
5. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
6. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
7. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
8. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.
9. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
10. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
11. You stop speaking in full sentences.
12. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
13. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
14. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
15. You double click your TV remote.
16. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
17. You dream in "text".
18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
19. You change your screen names so much that you
have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
21. You type faster than you think.
22. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
23 . When someone asks, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
24. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
25. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

Blonde Cooking Diary
Monday- It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday - Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said: Serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday - A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday - Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said to prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?
Friday - I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday - Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday - Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good Night Dear Diary
P.S. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose.

FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight

A blonde went into a bank and placed a big bag full of money on the counter. Most of it was small denominations, $5, $10, that sort of amount. The teller was amazed to see such a collection of small change. He asked her, "Did you hoard all of this?" She replied, "No, my sister whored half of it."

Dirty Mind Test
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues.Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are male...send address and photos! You may begin... now!
CLUES
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
ANSWERS
1. Nose
2. Peanut Butter
3. A Crane
4. The Titanic
5. A Tent
6. A Dentist
7. A Wedding Ring
8. An Elevator
9. Chewing Gum
10. News Paper Boy
11. A Glove
12. An Arrow
13. An Attorney

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died recently in the United States. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't
Spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math." His health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion. Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, when people, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, were awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them!

A recent study at Toronto's Baycrest Hospital has determined that aging and even Alzheimers does not stop one's appreciation of a good joke. As a matter of fact they confirmed what Friday Funnies readers have known for years - Laughter IS the best medicine! One of the test subjects, 88-year-old Simon Harris, says that at his age there are so many things that can depress you, that you should take every opportunity to look on the bright side. He quipped that in some respects he has less to worry about now - at least he doesn't have to worry about dying young! Apparently the only thing that changes with age is the complexity of jokes that can be quickly comprehended. Our love and need of humour doesn't change, just our mental agility for deeper reasoning and problem solving. I can see it now - Friday Funnies for August 25, 2023 - a long string of one-liners! Long live humour, long live Simon Harris and long live Henny Youngman!

It seems a lot of those 200,000 bikers in Milwaukee last weekend for the 100th Anniversary show were upset with Harley Davidson's choice of surprise headliners, many of them leaving the celebration early as soon as Elton John hit the stage. I guess they came looking for a drag race, not a drag queen!

The world's greatest charade player went on a Million Dollar T V Charade Challenge bragging that he could guess any charade. Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds. The charade player barely glances over them and says: "The William Tell Overture by Rossini." The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it!! Â That's the right answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player," and hands him a check for a million bucks and says, “But how on earth did you do it?” "It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women I realized it as the William Tell Overture………….."Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump!"

- What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!
- What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.
- What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty.
- What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!
- What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
- What do you call a cat who does tricks? A magic kit
- What kind of work does a weak cat do? Light mouse work
- Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? Because she wanted to mail a litter
- Where did the kittens go on their class trip? To a mewseum
- What kind of cars do cats drive? Catillacs
- Why did the cat walk in the desert and think he was at the North Pole? Because he looked down and saw Sandy Claws
- What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films? Disney Spells
- Where did the first cats live? Purr-sia and Paw-tugal
- What do you get if you cross a budgie with a cat? A peeping Tom
- Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan? He had two brothers in the same racket.
- Hear about the cat called Ben Hur? They called it Ben for two months until it had four kittens.

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

Heard about the new tinsel covered tampax? They’re only available for the Christmas period!
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. Mrs. Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
Did you hear about the 2 gay lawyers? They wanted to try each other.

AUSTIN POWERS PICK UP LINES- Yeah Baby!
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a Light switch away.
13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.
15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19 . Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21 . Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you wash your pants in Mr. Clean because I can see myself in them?

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?" The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's fucking spot on "

Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit hot taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE (from a couple of years ago during the Florida Ballot fiasco)

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus togovern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

A blonde was getting lessons on how to feed her goldfish at the pet store and seemed to catch on fairly quickly, that is, until she asked, ''Now, how do I give them a drink?''

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

A scientist from Texas A&M University had invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and also keeps their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in or when they get aroused. At the announcement of the new invention, the scientist was dragged outside by a large group of Texans and had the shit kicked out of him.

An inebriated fellow at a bar gets into a conversation with a biker and asks him what he would do if they only had 5 minutes to live. "Well," said the biker,"I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd screw anything that moved. What would you do?" The fellow thought a bit and replied, "I'd stand perfectly still."

At one point, the University of Minnesota's departments of mathematics and mortuary science were housed in the same building; one ascended the staircase and turned left for mathematics, and right for mortuary science. One day, this clarification was posted on the sign at the top of the staircase:
RIGOR MORTIS
<------ ------->

In San Francisco. T-shirts for the musical "Urinetown: The Musical" were being sold in the lobby. One design bore the slogan, "An appalling notion, fully realized." A woman standing in line pointed to the shirt and said, "Oh, look. The new California state motto."

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. After showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, he offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Neil Diamond and Johnny Rotten have teamed up on a son-to-be-released duet. It's called 'You Don't Send Me Flowers Anymore, You Cunt!'

Corporate Culture Shock!
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick." This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

There was an old Scott named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
The object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape,
And so the anthropoid ravished McTavish.

At Jeffrey Dahmer's trial, the judge was so curious as to what possessed Dahmer to consume his victims, that he asked him flat out: "Mr. Dahmer, why did you eat your last lover?" Dahmer replied: "Well your Honor... he was rottin' in bed!"

A friend of mine got sucked in to a sexual relationship with a vacuum cleaner. He eventually pulled the plug though. Not that it wasn't a good fit, it's just that he couldn't handle the attachments.

When Little Johnny was in the bathroom at school, there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to class his teacher noticed him trying to hide his hands and asked, "What do you have in your hand?" Little Johnny replied, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." His teacher didn't like the reply, so she sent him to the principal's office. After giving the same reply to the principal, Little Johnny was sent home. When he arrived home his mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll
get scared away." His mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" Little Johnny opened his hands and said, "Way to go, Mom, you scared the shit out of him!"

Father O'Brian, a young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day." "What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church." "But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane." The Bishop thought a moment, then said, "I guess that is understandable considering..." With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car. "We were only necking." "OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your pants and get outta here."

More Bumper Stickers
- If you can read this, I've lost my boat.
- I'm a handy man, I'll screw anything.
- Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.
- Fight organized crime. Abolish the IRS.
- I hate intolerance.
- Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
- It's men like you that make women gay.
- Not tonight dear, I have a modem.
- Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.
- Friends don't let friends line dance.
-You have to be really secure to be seen in a car like this.
- You never see a Harley parked in front of a shrink's office.

The only thing the police had to go on was the book. It was the one and only clue to the death of the young woman who lived alone in the apartment above the alley. Not a nice neighborhood but that wasn't reason enough to be killed. She'd been found by a friend earlier that evening. There was some evidence of a struggle but the body was unmarked except for a bruise on the left side of her head. Whoever did it used the book to deliver the fatal blow. The corner was clearly dented and some of the victim's hair was embedded in the cover. The investigating officers concluded that it was probably a lover's quarrel, but Chief Coltrane wasn't convinced. ''You say the book was the murder weapon?" He leveled his gaze at the junior officers. ''That's right sir.'' ''She have a boyfriend?'' ''Still looking, sir, but the friend says she wasn't seeing anybody on a regular basis.'' "Interesting,'' mused the Chief. He thought for a moment. ''You hotshots get the name of the book?'' The officers looked around sheepishly. Then one of them said, "I might have it in my notes.'' He took out his pad and thumbed the pages. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found the title. ''Here it is right here, 'Mathematics 101 - An Introductory Text."' He shot the Chief a questioning look. Coltrane closed his eyes and shook his head. ''I was afraid of that.'' The officers were puzzled. ''Afraid of what?'' ''A text book case,'' he answered. ''We got us a math murderer on our hands.''

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the United States, from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now, the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?" The loan was approved.

A baseball team had won a game 19-17. No errors. But not a single man crossed the plate. How could this be?
It was a woman's team.

The Spanish word ‘esposa’ means ‘wife’. The plural, ‘esposas’, means ‘wives’, but also ‘handcuffs’.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Eggs. Reptiles were laying eggs thousands of years before chickens appeared.

There was a young lady from Devizes
Who had breasts of different sizes
One was so small,
It was nothing at all
But the other was big and won prizes !

The Israeli police are looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.
The suspect is described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he is a Haifa-lootin', flutin Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, a part-time plowboy, talk about your plowboy, part-time plowboy Joe.

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion over who was the most religious. "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly, a fierce sandstorm appeared out of nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I didn't lose my faith in Allah. I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles all around me, the storm stopped and I was able to get back to my village. The Christian chimed in. "One day while I was fishing in a little rowboat in the ocean, a giant storm came from nowhere. 50-foot waves! I thought my end had truly come. I prayed and prayed to God, and then, for ten miles around me, the storm ceased and I was able to row back to shore." The Jew started. "I was in the middle of New York City. Suddenly, a black bag on the ground appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we're not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath.
But I didn't lose my faith. I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles around me, it was *Tuesday*!"

An oldeneh goldeneh, but seasonally appropriate)
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to a body of water such as the ocean, a stream or a river to pray and throw in breadcrumbs. This symbolizes throwing away one's sins, which the fish devour. Occasionally, people ask what kinds of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors...
For ordinary sins - White bread
For erotic sins - French bread
For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi grain
For sins of indecision - Waffles
For sins committed in haste - Matzos
For sins of chutzpah - Any fresh bread
For substance abuse - Stoned wheat
For committing auto theft - Caraway
For timidity/cowardice - Milk toast
For ill-temperedness - Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity - Nut bread
For excessive irony - Rye bread
For unnecessary chances - Hero bread
For war-mongering - Kaiser rolls
For dressing immodestly - Tarts
For lechery and promiscuity - Hot buns
For promiscuity with gentiles - Hot cross buns
For racist attitudes - Crackers
For being holier than thou - Bagels
For overeating - Stuffing
For indecent photography - Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often - Challah
For pride and egotism - Puff pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing - Brownies
For being overly smothering - Angel food cake
For trashing the environment - Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns - Corn bread

What is the definition of a smart ass? Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavour it is.

They finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter. It fits right over her mouth.

A parrot was taught to say fifty words in English. If one parrot can learn that much, toucan obviously learn a hundred.

Daffynitions
Calgary: What the Governor will be called if Mr. Coleman wins the election
Obstetrician: A person who specializes in labor management
Miser: A Commander-in-Cheap
Carpet: Favorite pasttime at drive-in movies
Bachelor: Unaltered male.
Pregnancy: An ingrown heir.
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.
Nudist: A person who is never clothes-minded

Have you heard of the latest bestsellers, "The Last Trip" by Paul Bearer and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Ex's are from UrAnus"

"Let me show you the correct whey to separate butter," Tom clarified.

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda
Who thought she was shrewd; I was shrewder;
She thought it was crude
To be wooed in the nude;
I pursued her, subdued her and screwed her.

The following are considered to be the 5 questions most feared by men. What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Football.
Golf.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit!

On U.S. Politics:
- "Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." -- Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.
- "President Bush is supporting Arnold. But a lot of Republicans are not because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rowe says if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at
all." -- Bill Maher
- "President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical, and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating." --David Letterman
- "Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." --Conan O'Brien
- They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." --Craig Kilborn
- "Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas; and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't find any fish. But he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate." --David Letterman
- "The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet, and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic." --Jay Leno
- "The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?"
-- Jay Leno
- "The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?" --David Letterman
- "(President Bush) used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay marriage. And then on a personal note, he apologized if he had done anything to lead Tony Blair on." --Bill Maher
- "President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats." -- Jay Leno
- "President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."
-- David Letterman
- "Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us." -- Jay Leno
- "President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been captured. And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'" --Jay Leno
- "President Bush is leaving to go to Crawford, Texas, for a 35-day working vacation. This should go over big with all the people taking a can't-get-work vacation."-- David Letterman
- "The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?" --David Letterman
- "President Bush's economic team is now on their jobs and growth bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus."-- Jay Leno
- Just like Europe, this country has a social safety net as well. Only we call it "prison." --Bill Maher

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, another patient walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks, "W-w-what are y-y-y-you d-d-d-doing here?" The man replies, "I'm waiting to see the doctor." "W-w-why d-d-do y-y-you w-want to s-s-s-see h-him?" Slightly irritated, the man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem." "A p-p-prostate p-p-p-problem, w-what's t-t-that?" "I pee like you talk."

Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then, wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?" Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it"

What is FOREPLAY?
1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.

"Computer technology designed to spot potential terrorists by their facial characteristics at airports failed its first major test... " (USA/9/2) During trials, the machines identified Saddam Hussein as Tom Selleck.

More Bumper Stickers
- This is not an abandoned vehicle.
- I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
- As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
- Support a lawyer. Become a doctor.
- I hate coffee. It keeps me awake at work.
- Freelance gynecologist.
- Old upholsterers never die. They always recover.
- Some call it stalking, I call it love.
-My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate, so I got two more girlfriends.
- Are you happy or are you married?

There's a new health study that was just completed that claims having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold. The more sex you have, the less chance you'll have of catching a cold. Can you just picture how it's gonna be in office's across the country this winter, every time a woman sneezes there'll be some guy saying, "Hey, I got something for that."

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!" But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed. When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.The Chief said, "You betcha!" When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Three women walk in a pet shop. Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, Pink, Blue." The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow underwear." The others then say, "We are wearing pink and blue." To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!" The three women are amazed. The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!" And that was the last time any of them was seen at the pet shop!

THE CLASS OF 2007
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the ColdWar.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries desks.The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the
building who isn't guilty of false advertising!" His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

Dear Sirs;
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy ... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours truly,
Father of Twelve

Monica Lewinsky's Autobiography (suggested) Titles:
1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President
10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
11. Deep Inside The Oval Office
12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
13. She's Chief of MY Staff!
14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
15. How To Beat Off the Government
16. Going Down and Moving Up
17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
18. Me and My Big Mouth
19. How To Get Ahead in Business

A man was killed in Manila, today, for singing off key. In an unrelated story, Bob Dylan has postponed his tour
to the Philippines.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications
major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

There was a young girl of Baroda
Who built an erotic pagoda
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools that bestrode her

In Taiwan, residents only bring out their garbage when they hear the music that usually blares from arriving garbage trucks. Lately, the government has also been using the loudspeakers on the trucks for language education, teaching people English phrases. Now that’s what you would call trash talk.

One out of every three people can’t snap their fingers.

All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).

The show business group with the lowest rate of divorce? Comedians.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Initsereg!! Payls fcucknig hlel wiht sleplcehck tohguh!
Seasonal Oldeneh Goldeneh:
Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur are the two major holidays where most Jews around the world attend synagogue. Because the synagogues become so crowded, there is assigned seating to keep it orderly. Getting "good" seats is always a challenge - and here is a letter from the president of the synagogue to its members.
Dear Member,
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:
1. I would prefer to sit in the: ___ Talking section ___ No talking section
2. If talking, which subcategory do you prefer? ___ Stock market ___ My neighbors
___ Sports ___ My relatives
___ Medicine ___ The rabbi
___ General gossip ___ The cantor
___ Specific gossip ___ The gabbai
___ Fashion news ___ The Prime Minister
__ Sex ___ Other (Please Specify)
3. Which of the following would you like to be near so that you might receive free professional advice:
___ Lawyer ___ Accountant
___ Doctor ___ Stockbroker
___ Chiropractor ___ Real estate agent
___ Sexologist ___ Dentist
3. I want a seat located ___ near my in-laws ___ near the pulpit
___ far from my in-laws ___ near the Kiddush table
___ far from my ex-in-laws ___ near the exit
4. I wish to be seated in a seat where: ___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
___ I can sleep during services
__ _ I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
___________________________
___________________________
Your name: __________________
Phone number: _______________ In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!"and Woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats and added copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.
Amen
Survivor begins another new season and this year will probably bring some of the biggest surprises yet. The "castaways" are all dispatched to their island home with just the clothes on their backs...nothing else! No change of clothes, no supplies...NOTHING! They could have filmed this in any downtown of any city in North America!
The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax." The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax." "No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."
Women, you're in good shape as long as you can still touch your toes. Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count! Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in NewYork," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. " Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too." Seen on a bumper sticker: "Driver carries no cash; he is married." Overcome: The one who sleeps on the wet spot. If at first you don't succeed you are running about average. Life is the ultimate IQ test. One crotch-kick later, I realized that asking the call girl if she had a layaway plan sounded funnier in my head. The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it. Questions pile up at a much faster rate than the answers. One cannot have too large a party. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. My first rule of a happy marriage: It's better to be happy than right. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Top 10 Blonde Inventions:1. Water-proof towel2. Solar powered flashlight3. Submarine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dartboard6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat on a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedal-powered wheel chair10. Water-proof tea bag President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news." "Oh, no..." muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke? The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the Shiva, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it? The widow says, "Three carats.
Chaetophobia is the fear of hair. (is that the musical or the ball) An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her
up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, let me put in words you can understand - you're doing about three knots." "Three Knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "you're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. Even though the boy was silent throughout the confrontation, the officer arrested them both - the girl for disorderly conduct, the boy for having an offensive person on his weapon.
A couple of older gents were golfing when one mentioned he was getting a new set of dentures from a club member who
was a local dentist. His golfing partner remarked that he had also used the same dentist. "Did he do a good job?" the first asked. "Well, I was here yesterday when somebody hooked a shot. The ball must have been going 200mph when it hit me square in the balls," he replied. Puzzled, the other man asked, "Well what the hell has that got to do with what I asked you about the dentist?" He answered, "That my friend, was the first time in two years that I didn't notice that my mouth hurt!" In this day an age, with increasing possibilities of lesbian couples that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to a variation of the standard, one kid taunting another with, "My Mom can lick your Mom any time." What did the 7-11 clerk do when Satan came in and asked for a lemon-lime drink? He gave the Devil his Dew.
What is a Mongolian intermediary? A Gobi Tween.
Why was the decaying tree so lucky? It was in the rot place at the rot time.
Streakers, your end is in sight.
Whiplash cases are a pain in the neck.
Politicians make strange bedfellows - it's because they all like the same bunk.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Ron and his wife Gloria listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Ron leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for Revenue Canada. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are the God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

Jill, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her Weight Watchers meeting. She lamented to the woman next to her, "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail waitress?" "Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now." "Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?" "Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'NO' for the last time."

What does an owl in the daytime have in common with the 16th president of the United States? They're both A-blinkin' What do they call buses in Tulsa? Carry-Okie machines. What do you call a review of royal finances? A reign check. What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A Roamin' Catholic What is often exchanged at a perfume counter? Dollars for scents

Life is like a dogsled team. If you are not the lead dog the only view you got is an asshole in front of you.
The vagaries of the English language:There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight. Lessons to be Learned From XXX Movies:1. Women wear high heels to bed.2. Men are never impotent.3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with a big load of sperm.6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, bald, middle-aged men.7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.8. Women always orgasm when men do.9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.10. All women are noisy when fucking.11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.12. Those tits are real....(NOT)13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly hardon a on a woman's butt.14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there are two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girlisn't disgusted!)16. Double penetration makes women smile broadly.17. Asian men simply don't exist.18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shitout of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.19. There really is a plot.... somewhere20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her big slaps on the arse.21. All nurses suck patients cocks.22. Men always pull out and spurt cum all over the woman.23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fuckingthe both of you.24. Women never have headaches ... or periods.25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".26. Arseholes are scrupulously clean.27. A man blowing cum on a woman's arse or tits is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.......OH MY!!!! What is this?????29. Men don't have to beg.30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip....and if you believe this.....YOU ARE IN DREAM LAND... Wake Up to the real world.. By the way, if reading this made you blush, did you know that when you blush the lining of your stomach also turns red.
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (to avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had an unhealthy habit of eating the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so he had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day he was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it so he put Mace outside. Mace quickly cropped the long grass and the next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Whereupon he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed..."A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. Iwas deprived. Then they told me that it was bad for my ego to think of myself as deprived, I was really underprivileged. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards. I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had." A happy and Healthy New Year to all and may you be inscribed in the Book of Life (or to paraphrase ‘Dry Bones’, just in case the heavenly host is now all computerized, “May you be logged on to the internet web page of Eternity!”
The power went out all across Italy plunging the nation into darkness - a real catastrophe since Italy is the only country in the world whose citizens can't understand one another in the dark.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under asweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.""CASE DISMISSED!!"
A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor. "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other. They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one,
"and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?" "Well", said the man, "that makes three of us who were wrong. I thought it was gas."

Where Professionals Go On Vacation:
Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin
Fire-fighters: Smokey Mountains
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewellers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California

Love Is And Marriage Is:

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a long, hot ride

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

I heard on the morning news that the Polish government bought 1,000 surplus septic tanks from the U.S. Department of Agriculture. It has been speculated that they think they can learn to drive them, and use them to invade Russia.

A friend of mine who was supposedly celebrating a milestone birthday solemnly announced to all that she was not really 40 - she was just $39.95 plus shipping and handling.

The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug corporations have created a jointly owned subsidiary company to market a new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The product will be distributed by all the large major drug store chains and Walmart Pharmacies. The prescription pills will be called, Predickamints !

The Top 15 Signs You're Drinking a Chick Beer:
15) Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.
14) Warning label states: "Caution: May make ass look fat."
13) After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually *is* a sport.
12) Your belches come out potpourri-scented.
11) You still cry into your eighth one, but now it's because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.
10) The slogan: "Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!"
9) The label boasts that it's this month's recommendation from Oprah's Beer Club.
8) Your desire to wear women's panties is stronger than usual.
7) When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.
6) After you've slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Waiting to Exhale."
5) Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!
4) The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.
3) "Who cares about the game? 'Will and Grace' is on!"
2) There's no head unless you pour some liquor into it.
and the number 1 Sign You're Drinking a Chick Beer...
1) Your man-boobs have started lactating.

One day this guy who had tried every diet with no success read about a doctor who had a new experimental diet. The guy goes to the doctor and tells him he has tried them all. The doctor says with his diet he can consume all the food he wants but he has to put it up his butt. The guy says he is willing to try anything, so the doc gives him written instructions on the proper procedure and tells him to come back in 3 weeks. Three weeks later he comes back for a visit. The doctor is amazed. The guy looks great slim, healthy, glowing with vitality. The doctor notices that the guy is twitching and jerking around below the belt , he looks like Elvis on a good day. " You look great" says the doc "but I'm concerned about this strange side effect". "What side effect?" the guy asks. "Well, all that spasmodic jerking around" he replies. "Oh that. I'm just chewing gum."

Matrimony Is A Good Investment. But Only If The Interest Is Kept Up
Most cannibals won't eat divorced women? They're always bitter.What's difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave won't brown your meat.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $ -60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me ....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy #129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, "Mary had a little pig - An ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes - And smelled her little . . ." He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?" “Prose.” The teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, “Asshole.”
I was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, I lost my wallet with all identification. Cutting my trip short, I attempt to make my way home but was stopped by a Customs agent at our border. "May I see your identification, please?", asks the agent. "I'm sorry Sir, but I lost my wallet", I replied. "Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border", says the agent. "But I can prove that I'm an American!" I exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one ass cheek and a picture of George W. Bush on the other." "This I gotta see", replies the agent. With that, I drop my pants and bend over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!", exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Massachusetts." "Thanks", I said, "but how did you know I was from Massachusetts?" The agent replies, "I saw the picture of Ted Kennedy in the middle."The Top 15 Grocery Store Pick-Up Lines15 "I don't care HOW many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!"14 "Is it really cold in frozen foods, or are you just happy to see me?"13 "May I use those melons for my Fruit of the Loom salad?"12 "How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?"11 "What a coincidence! You've got butter in your cart, and I've got a copy of 'Last Tango in Paris' at home!"10 "How much of this caviar do you think I can get into the trunk of my Ferrari?" 9 "I've got some meat here that's 'Best if used by tonight.'" 8 "Price check for mixed roasted nuts on aisle 69!" 7 "You know, it ain't often that I see a lady buying pork rinds, and when I see a lady buying pork rinds, I says to myself, 'This is one chick I GOT to get to know better.'" 6 "What a small world! I belong to the Safeway Club, too!" 5 "So how would you like to become a stock man?" 4 "Pssst! My piggly is wiggly." 3 "Are we in the laxatives aisle? 'Cause the thought of hooking up with you is running though my mind like crazy." 2 "Clean up in Aisle BVD!"and the Number 1 Grocery Store Pick-Up Line...1 "Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that AND a bag of chips."
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..." The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it ... "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories . Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less.
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: (Remember, most of these people were on a good dose of Valium or Demerol or a combination of the two at the time!)
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

One frog was trying to reassure another frog who was worried about his looks. "It's not what you look like, it's what's inside that counts. His friend replied, "That's good advice. Who told you that?" The other frog replied, "A biology teacher."

Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

How 'The Wizard of Oz' would be different if it were made today:
10. Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an uzi
9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"
8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"
7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."
6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch
5. It would be named "Twister II"
4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually have his brain removed
3. Loveable dog Toto replaced by loveable droid T.O.T.O.
2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh fuck!"
1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"

How do you know when a woman is getting old? Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long.

The sex of a bee is hard to see
But he can tell and so can she.
The queen is quite a busy soul
She has no time for birth control.
And that is why in times like these,
There are so many sons of bees.

I put a tag on my cat’s neckband with her name on it. Now she has ‘collar ID’!

While walking down the street one day Gordon Campbell is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St.Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," demands Campbell. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," he says. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts Campbell to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a hotel with a swanky club and standing in front of it are Mike Harris, Ralph Klein and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, pat him on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing, writing deals for souls on the backs of napkins and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with Campbell joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." Campbell reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him, lays an arm on his neck and hands him a bag with the bottom cut out. "I don't understand," stammers Campbell. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a hotel and a club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning................Today you voted for us!"

Signs at Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
Over one of the urinals: Express Lane: Five beers or less
Over mirror in Women's restroom: You're too good for him.
Over mirror in Men's restroom: No wonder you always go home alone

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary, she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave why he had only one feather in his headdress and his reply was, "Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress, and he replied, "Me have two women-- two women, two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em all!" Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh, dear." The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, rock climbing?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit whether you live to be 80 or not?!"

Types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.
The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes ...
The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No ...
The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No ...
The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming ...
The Religious - Oh God, Oh God ...
The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More ...
The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you ...
The Submariner - Mmm ... OHHH ... Deeper ... Go DEEPER !!

Did You Hear That David Koresh Was A Closeted Gay? He Was Flaming, But He Didn't Come Out.
How Do You Tell Which House The Gay Lives In? On The Doormat It Says, `Wipe Your Knees.'
Did You Hear About The Gay Catholic? He Couldn't Decide If The Pope Was Faaaaaabulous Or Simply Divine.
Last week during the California gubernatorial debate, Arianna Huffington accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of not treating women well. Huffington may have a point because Arnold's response was 'shut up bitch.' - Conan O'Brien

Did you hear about the girl that was dyslectic and anorexic? Every time she ate a big meal she'd stick her finger up her ass.

Did you know that chickens can't swallow while they are upside down. (neither do most of the chicks I’ve met)

Dilbert's Rules for Living
1. I can only please 1 person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check just bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

The following item has been attributed to George Carlin making observations on a post 9/11 world. I’ve seen it before, but it certainly bears repeating:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND LET”S REITERATE: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their different religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins. After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home and tells his wife about the conversation, and they go on to discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She suddently begins to laugh. The rabbi says, "What do find so funny?" Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur . . .so, even when it comes to sin, they pay retail!" BANJUL, Gambia (Reuters) - A 28-year-old man accused of stealing a man's penis through sorcery was beaten to death in the West African country of Gambia, police said. A police spokesman told Reuters that Baba Jallow was killed Thursday by about 10 people in the town of Serekunda, nine miles from the capital Banjul. Reports of penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, with purported victims claiming that alleged sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear in order to extort cash in the promise of a cure. The police spokesman said many men in Serekunda were now afraid to shake hands, and he urged people not to believe reports of "vanishing" genitals. Belief in sorcery is widespread in West Africa. Seven alleged penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs in Ghana in 1997.Well, I just checked and my jewels are still intact, but I don't think I'll be traveling to Gambia any time soon! A new car is having to be renamed for the Canadian market after the manufacturers were informed of an unfortunate double meaning. General Motors are still working on the new name for the LaCrosse after learning the word is slang for masturbation in French-speaking Quebec. The mid-size model, expected to be launched late next year, will still be called the Buick LaCrosse in the US, reports the Toronto Sun. GM vice-chairman Bob Lutz said he wasn't aware of LaCrosse's alternative meaning, despite being able to speak French after spending three years living in Paris. "I thought I knew every expression existing in the French language for self-gratification, including the crudest ones known to man," he said. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. Kids Think FastTeacher: Why are you late? Joe: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Joe: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables! Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" John: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" Teacher: No, that's wrong. John: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Sarah: H I J K L M N O!! Teacher: What are you talking about? Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to O! Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America. George: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? Class: George! Teacher: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Willie: Me! Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." Ellen: I is... Teacher: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand." Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog! Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Pupil: A teacher. Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark? Father: I think so. What do you want me to write? Sylvia: Your name on this report card. A generously endowed Miss HollyBelle often got teased by her friends and family about her bodacious breasts. At a recent house warming party fr some new tenants in the complex where he lives, a young man asked her what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," Holly replied. "Oh, you must be the double D." he said. Miss Holly was very much annoyed, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do youmean by that?" Holly snapped. Surprised at her angry response, the young man very meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver." To his wife said the new wed Detective Could it be that my eyesight’s defective Or has the East tit the least bit The best of the West tit, Or is it a faulty perspective? Claudia got a job at a Zenith TV factory. After a week passed, she noticed that everyone had a name-tag except her. She went to her supervisor and asked why she did not have a nametag yet. The supervisor said, "You'll have to see the president for that." The lady made an appointment and saw the president of the company. She asked him why she did not yet have a nametag. The president stood up, unzipped his pants, let his dick flop out on the desk and said, "Young lady, do you see THIS? This here is QUALITY! And here at the Zenith Corporation, QUALITY goes IN before the name goes on." Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:A nose ring and bifocalsSpiked hair and bald spotsA pierced tongue and denturesMiniskirts and support hoseAnkle bracelets and corn padsSpeedos and celluliteA belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scarUnbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitorMidriff shirts and a midriff bulgeBikinis and liver spotsShort shorts and varicose veinsIn-line skates and a walkerBut, otherwise, YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD! A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed. He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted. After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!" "According to 'W' magazine, the latest thing in women's underwear is called the "peek-a-boo" panty it has a hole cut in the back to show off part of the woman's rear-end. Is this fair? When women have a hole in their panties, that's high fashion; guys get a hole in their underpants, they're pigs and slobs." - Jay Leno Ever wonder if dogs consider parking meters pay toilets? What's the difference between Chicago and Green Bay? In Chicago, Moosehead is a beer. In Green Bay, it's a felony. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! SHORT LOVE STORYI SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU....I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU.....I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE YOU.....AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.ALL MY LOVE, THE FLU What do a Kenworth Semi-Truck and a test-tube baby have in common? Neither one's Peterbilt! Deepest condolences once again to all you Cubs fans out there who had to witness the annual meltdown.Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be... here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:1. Radio was invented. (Cubs fans get to hear their team lose)2. TV was invented. (Cubs fans get to see their team lose)3. Baseball added 14 teams. (Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs)4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.5. Halley's comet passed Earth - twice.6. Harry Caray was born... and died. Incredible, but true!7. The NBA, NHL, NFL, IHL, and ISL were formed. (Each of those Chicago teams have each won championships)8. Man landed on the moon. (As have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers)9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.11. Prohibition was created and repealed.12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures. The latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. (Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down)15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympic games have been held.16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown. (Several thanked Cubs pitchers)17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in.18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games. (They lost the majority of them)20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union.(I can't believe the list-writer didn't include the birth and death of the Soviet Union, or the birth and death of Rock and Roll) You know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity. No money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the middle of the streets. So it was just like California today only back then the women had real breasts Differences on a Naked Airline FlightYou don't instinctively panic when someone yells, "We're going down!"The liquor bottles aren't the only obviously undersized objects on the flight.Look at those beautiful leather seats! Never mind -- that's just the AARP group returning from Cancun.Three straight hours of the guy next to you asking for help adjusting his seat belt."Sorry about that turbulence, ladies and gentlemen -- my co-pilot grabbed the wrong stick.""Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the No Groping' sign....""We'll now begin pre-boarding for passengers with cups C through D."You lowered your window shade, but you can still see a full moon. Six of 'em, in fact.Earning Mile High Club membership requires much less strategizing than with other airlines.At meal time, nobody orders the pulled chicken."... and those of you on the left side of the cabin, if you now look to the right, you can see the towering timber of flight attendant Brian."The guy next to you won't shut up about how tough it is to be the only African-American on the Supreme Court.It's much easier to tell when somebody's coming down the aisle with nuts."And now in the left aisle, serving cocktails, come on guys, put your hands together for *Taammyyyy*!"Forget flotation devices -- after what those seat cushions have been through, you'd rather drown. Every year Lake Superior State University comes up with a new "List of Words Banished from the Queen's English." These overused, over-the-top words and phrases made the list:Must-see TV: Assumes herd mentality over program taste. Must find remote..must change channel.Extreme: As in extreme sports, extreme cars, extreme soft drinks...Having said that/That said: I heard you the first time.There is no score: Yes, there is. It's 0 - 0.Undisclosed, secret location: If it's secret, it's pretty much undisclosed. If it's undisclosed, well, you get the drift. In marriage there's often a glitch,When you find out you married a bitch,She once was quite nice,All sugar and spice,Now she's an evil old witch Little Known Ways that Beer has Shaped History:* Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.* September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, "Don't worry, Barbara, I'll pull out."* Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.* "Look, Tom, we'll keep the 'endowed by their Creator' part as is, but that 'life, liberty and the pursuit of beer' part needs work."* It prevented the extinction of ugly people.* Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create world's firstDave & Buster's.* The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.* March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand new uniform for his "Hot Dog On A Stick" employees.* How else was Joseph gonna believe that "but I'm still a virgin" story?* Bartholomew: "Aww, BOGUS! I *totally* left the Master's Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget *everything*!" Luke: "Don't sweat it, Dude. The Grail'll turn up."* There's a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.* 15th-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travelwhen hit by a broomstick.* "Hey, Adolph, I hear *Poland* has good beer."* July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is "less filling."* If the Dutch hadn't brought that pre-deal making keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those $24 worth of beads wouldn't have looked so appealing. The most popular pizza topping in South Korea is tuna. Rare Phobias "Hey, this is a nude beach! I ain't getting in that cold water!" ** Shrinkaphobia "Get that #$%#-ing vodka bottle away from me!!" ** Carmenelectraphobia "He's coming straight for us -- with his left turn signal on!" ** Oldfartophobia "You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" ** Windophobia "I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" ** ThetaFetaMehtaBetaphobia "Tonight on Paramount: 'Come quickly Gabrielle! We must s" ** Xenaphobia "NO!! Don't call the plumber!!!" ** Buttcrackophobia "No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out." ** Phoebephobia "Uhm, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" ** Probeophobia "You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" ** Rentanotherpornophobia "It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me*that* way again!" ** Homophobophobia "Honey, I bought a Corvette!" ** Smallpeniphobia There was once a Chinese emperor who had very refined tastebuds and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people whose jobs involved just traveling the length and breadth of the land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor. It was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well, today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be exactly one hundred years old." Well imagine the commotion in the palace! His staff jumped on their horses and traveled all over, trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old. They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find my egg?" One of his servants stepped forward and addressed his majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly one hundred years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty years old." The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!" Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other. 1. Oral sex does not count. 2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't count. 3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't count. 4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count. 5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share. 6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this," it doesn't count. 7. An old flame doesn't count. 8. An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity f*ck." 9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex. 10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation. 11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex. 12. Kissing is not cheating. 13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other. 14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count. 15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet."16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was fun right?). 17. Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation". 18. In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1. 19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count. 20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count. 21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate). 22. An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count. 23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This should be referred to as "being neighborly."24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count. 25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This should be considered a "fuck friend."26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results! All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the native American Indians. -Pat Paulsen
The opposite of "cross-eyed" is "wall-eyed."
A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls." The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"Hello, is this the Levy residence?" "Ahah. Mit whom you vish to speak?" "Is Mr. Levy there?" "Dis time of the day? Mr. Levy is voiking." "Is Thelma at home?" "In school is Thelma." "Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?" Harry?, In collech is Harry. He should be a doctor." "I see. Is this Mrs. Levy?" "Mrs. Levy?, she's shoppink in de supermokkit." "Well, who is this?" "Dis? Dis is Daisy, de shvartzer!" Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life. After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come?" Cohen said, "I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levi came to Services every Saturday. I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levi's hat." The rabbi said, "Well, Cohen, I notice that you didn't steal Levy's hat. What changed your mind?" Cohen said "Well,after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat." The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Cohen shook his head and said "No, Rabbi, when you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat." TEN SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT! 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. Why did the ghost go to the doctor? To get his boo-ster shot? When does a ghost need a license? During "haunting" season. What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer. Years ago, I worked briefly for a dog breeder. She was a real bitch, a big husky gal who wouldn't take Shi-tzu's from anybody. She was constantly hounding me about putting out the chow too early, saying it would rottweiler dogs were out exercising. I really wanted to boxer ears and maybe even make the Doberman pinscher, but instead I tried to setter down and give her some pointers about dealing with people. Well, when I tried to do this, she got really mad and spitz in my face. After that I decided to walk out, leaving her and her son Kenny to run the business. Maybe Kennel have better luck with her. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school. All Generalizations Are False. Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Southern Definitions: COMMITMENT (ko-mit ment) n. Female - A desire to get married and raise a family. Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking beer. FLATULENCE (flach- u-lens) n. Female - An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression. MAKING LOVE (may-kin luv) n. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl) n. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male - A device for scanning through all 275 channels every five minutes. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female - Any part under a car's hood. Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bul) adj. Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male - Playing hockey without a cup.
After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?" "If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."

SIGNS PMS IS COMING:She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.She retains more water than Lake Superior.She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."She buys you a new T-shirt --- with a bulls-eye on the front.You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

I’m So.o.o.o Broke…..
- I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.- Me and my boyfriend got married for the rice.- If a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the sofa!- I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry on layaway.- If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!- Just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.- At Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.- The bank asked for their calendar back.- Long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
- Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."- I can't afford to pay attention!- A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"- When someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."- If someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window.
Actually, I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.

A few top suggestions for Viagra’s theme song:I am a Rock - Paul SimonA Hard Days Night - The BeatlesDo That To Me One More Time - Captain and TenilleEverlasting Love - The Bee GeesNo Ordinary Love - SadeWe've Only Just Begun - Paul WilliamsGirls Just Want To Have Fun - Cindy LauperWhen I'm 64 - The BeatlesI'm Your Gun - Alice CooperIn Too Deep - GenesisBig Bad John -Jimmy DeanHere He Comes Again - Dolly PartonThe Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A. - Donna FargoBehind Closed Doors - Charlie Rich

I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but...- she's really a "home girl", but doesn't care whose...- she's leading a delightful sexistence- her motto is "to err is human, and it feels soooo divine...- when she dances, she doesn't know the difference between writhe & wrong- she owes most of her jewelry to "The Power of Positive Winking"- she's kissed so many sailors, her lips move with the tide- in college, she earned the nickname "Hoover"- she wears a velcro-close bra- her exercise program is "Jumping Jack"...- she's climbing the ladder of success, lad by lad- she knows how to say "yes" in 17 different languages- when a guy says "say when" pouring drinks, she replies "after this drink"- in college, she was voted the girl most likely to..

A bachelor - some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.
Did you hear about the gay undertaker? He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

The basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city - In the end, the hero gets the heroin.

How is a bikini like a barbed-wire fence? It protects the property without obstructing the view.
Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is...
1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.
A woman from the records department stopped by a friend’s hospital room after the birth of her son to get some information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When my friend told her the date, she said, "Do you realize that your husband's birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?" My friend said, "No, I hadn't thought about it, but now that you mention it, I just realized that my daughter just turned two a couple of days before that very same date." After she finished taking down all the data for the birth certificate and records department, the woman patted my friend's hand and suggested, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday, dearie ! " Following the birth of her child, a woman called her insurance company to inquire about her short-term disability policy."I just had a baby," she proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone. "Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured her. After taking down basic facts like her name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident? What do you call a female turtle? A Clitortous A friend who teaches a Sex Education class says the job comes with its own special problems. She complained. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit." Some fear that the Catholic Church is granting sainthood to too many candidates. Of course many have become even more concerned since the Pope recently beatified three New Orleans Saints.
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chafed maiden to boot. What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging? A sewing machine only has one bobbin. Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from. Don't hold burps in either. It'll be your ass talkin' when yer mind knew better. Did you know… - that slugs have 4 noses. Those winter colds must be a bitch!- that castrated men live an average of 13 years longer than those not castrated. Would you give you left nut (and also the right) in order to live another 13 years?- that there are 1,218 peanuts in a 28-ounce jar of Jif peanut butter.
In this year's Tour de France, German Jan Ullrich, the man most capable of challenging Lance Armstrong for the win, fell down in a crash when another bike crashed ran into him. Armstrong saw this and raised his arm, slowing down the lead pack of riders and let Ulrich catch back up to them. A few days later, some crazy lady literally hooked Armstrong's handlebars with her umbrella handle, sending him crashing to the pavement with only six miles to go to win his fifth Tour. In a splendid display of sportsmanship, Ulrich who was in the #2 position right behind Armstrong at the time of the crash, slowed down and let Lance pick himself back up and regain the lead. That, my friends, is what sports is about. Victory over your opponent in an honest competition fought on a level field of play. Unfortunately, we see it so rarely, that we don’t even expect such a thing anymore, especially in professional sport (and certainly not during elections). Let’s keep reminding ourselves that good sportsmanship and fair play still exist, even though we may have to look harder to find them these days.
A fellow called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad he'd placed. “It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm. "I said 'ewes'," he argued. "Pardon?" replied the operator. "Ewes. It makes a difference to some people." The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale--USED."
The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement." After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't" his manager said, "you're not retiring." Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said, "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep. Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small handgun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance." The tuba player stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour", the conductor said. While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go." The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied. At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again. "You again?" the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "OK, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scarfed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realized when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work." The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied. It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away. "Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed, "the bastard deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said. He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?" "I've tried telling people all along", he said "I'm just a bad conductor...!!"
A drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is walking down the aisle swinging the incense pot. He says, "Honey I love your dress but...did you know your handbag’s on fire? "

Two sweet, little old southern ladies were rocking in their chairs on the antebellum plantation home's rickety porch discussing their southern heritage and forgotten customs when one said, " Dixie, do you remember the minuet?"
The other lady sighs, and responds "Hell !, Carolina honey, I can't even remember the ones I slept with."
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if THAT doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?

Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. Take away the number you first thought of. Now add 7. Subtract 2. Add back the number you first thought of. Now, close your eyes. Dark, isn't it?

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor.

A new government report shows the nation's courts are so under-funded they can't even give jurors the usual small daily fees in return for missing work. The good news is some private citizens are willing to donate millions of dollars to help pay the jurors, the bad news is they're Kobe Bryant, Ken Lay, and Martha Stewart.

A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London. "How much?" he asked. "It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart. "American Express?" he inquired. "You can go as fast as you like" she said.

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. You can do this, too.
Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of molehills. Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the bandwagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles.
Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire.
Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge.
Saturday: Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout! You are invited to use my program without charge!!

One day MR CLEAN was BOLD enough to ask the FANTASTIC Mademoiselle LA FRANCE if she would SNUGGLE with him since he was tired of SOLO performances. With a CHEER and a loud SHOUT of "YES" she allowed him to WISK her, quick as a COMET, to a secluded spot where they could CLING FREE of interruptions. His first EASY OFF was accomplished in a DASH, but like a DYNAMO,he made a FRESH START and with a little BOUNCE he plunged his CHORE BOY into her GOLDEN FLEECE again and again. "Ooh la la, BON AMI," she said." Now I'd like to beTIDE to the bed and pumped with your ARM AND HAMMER." After that FINAL TOUCH he asked, what do I owe you for ALL this good clean fun? Her answer? You guessed it, "409!!"

What does one lesbian say to the other? You da man!

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n
She cried 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one.

If my father is Welsh and my mother is Hungarian, does that make me well-hung?

A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?" She says, "Hello, you little fuck."

Remember now, THIS will be controlling the world when we're stuck in wheelchairs, wetting ourselves, and shouting at each other!!
The following questions and answers were collected from SAT's (Scholastic Aptitude Test) given to 16-year-old students in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000!
Q - Name the four seasons. A - Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q - How is dew formed? A - The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q - What is a planet? A - A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q - What causes the tides in the oceans? A - The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q - In a democratic society, how important are elections? A - Very important. Sex can only happen when the male gets an election.
Q - What happens to your body as you age? A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q - Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A - Premature death.
Q - How can you delay milk turning sour? A - Keep it in the cow.
Q - How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A - The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q - What is the Fibula? A - A small lie.
Q - What does "varicose" mean? A - Nearby.
Q - What is the most common form of birth control? A - Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q - Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section." A - The cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q - What is a seizure? A - A Roman emperor.
Q - What is a terminal illness? A - When you are sick at the airport.
Q - What does the word "benign" mean? A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Well it may finally have happened! That long inexorable line of jokes that dates back to time immemorial is slowing down to a trickle. Yes folks, the Friday Funnies is running out of material! Is it possible that all the jokes in the world have already seen the light of day? Is there really a Dearth of Mirth? A Famine of Funnies? A Slippage of Quippage? A Quit of Wit? A Jejuning of Jocularity? A Tumour of the Humour? A Rest (Arrest)of the Jest? A Dribbling of Quibbling? A Slag of the Gag? A Pettiness of Wittiness? A Slaking of Japing? A Slackening of Hackneying? A Scarcity of Farcity? Could it be that the onset of cold weather has brought on that dreaded condition, SHRINKAGE?
But we need not necessarily dwell on the Paucity of Raucousity. Let us not be Morose about the Jocose. Our fate is still within all of your hands. Send along that material you’ve been hoarding. Let’s all go Atomical with the Comical! Send along that humourous stuff and we’ll see you all in the (Friday)Funny papers.

A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental replacements and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Wine or flu?
R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray-- and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
Ain't being a "senior citizen" great?

Life Beyond Sixty
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Maybe it's true that life begins at sixty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Old age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Being a senior adult is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

"Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe."

"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."

To most couples, curbing their emotions means parking.

What goes: Blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde? A bleach blonde doing cartwheels!

Sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic: "We may never piss this way again."

Have you heard that Pillsbury merged with Trojan? They're coming out with a self-rising Condom.

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank." "But we's privates," protests Junior. "We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank." "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now." So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?" "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

Black and White Poem (Someone under age 40 might not understand) You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go; Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet." Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June; It felt so good. It felt so right, Life looked better in black and white. I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys; Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too; Donna Reed on Thursday night! -- Life looked better in black and white. I wanna go back to black and white, Everything always turned out right; Simple people, simple lives... Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen; Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white. In God they trusted; alone in bed they slept, A promise made was a promise kept; They never cussed or broke their vows, They'd never make the network now. But if I could, I'd rather be, In a TV town in '53; It felt so good. It felt so right, Life looked better in black and white. I'd trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight; To when everybody knew wrong from right, Life was better in black and white!

NASA decides to send the first manned mission to Mars. After months of training they pick the astronaut to do the mission, whose name was Richard. The night before take off he is totally out of control with fear. He tells his wife that he is so frightened that there is no way he is going on the mission. The wife calms him down and says to him, "Don't worry Dick, I'll go in your place". Somehow she manages to sneak past the mission attendants without anyone realizing that "HE" is really a "SHE" and gets into the rocket. 30 seconds after take off the rocket explodes and crashes into the sea. A rescue mission is sent out and miraculously they find the still alive but unconscious body of the female astronaut. Two days later she starts coming round in hospital and she can feel a pair of doctors hands pummeling away at her tits. "Dick, Dick where's my Dick," she cries. The doctor says, "Never mind about your dick, we are still trying to get your ass back in place."

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Drambuie, my Prozac, a large box of chocolate and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
What can be said about someone who falls asleep on top of the wet spot? You could say they were overcome. Cosmetics heir and fugitive rapist Andrew Luster, great-grandson of makeup legend Max Factor, was captured in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico by a bounty hunter. Luster had jumped a $1 million bail and fled the US during his trial for drugging and then raping three women. He was sentenced to 124 years in prison. The rest of the Factor family was said to be in hiding, avoiding all contact with the press, deeply embarrassed by having such a bad heir day. Things Gays Want Heterosexuals To Know:* We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us. * We're not sure about Ricky Martin either. * We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it. * We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us. * Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception. * We think your mini-vans are sooo cute! * David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice. * If he's using two or more hair products at any one time, yes, he is. * If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too. * Relax, we don't want you!
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman."Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked."Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"Did you know that… obsessive nose-picking is referred to as "rhinotillexomania." (Snot true)
in Romanian, Dracula means "Son of the Devil."
on average, a person passes gas 14 times a day. (Excuse me)
Two New Additions To The Periodic Table Of Elements:Element Name: WOMANIUM* Symbol: WO* Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)* Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.* Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed
next to a better specimen.* Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.* Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!Element Name: MANIUM* Symbol: XY* Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)* Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.* Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO(WOMANIUM) any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time.* Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.* Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities at will.* Caution: In the absence of WO (WOMANIUM), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around almost 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us?Charlie Brown: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.Linus: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.Lucy: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.Schroeder: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.Sally: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay.Peppermint Patty: Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."Snoopy: In dog years, he be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment atDaisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory."

The drug maker responsible for bringing us Viagra, recently reported that sales were way down. They think that all those old guys that were the major users of the product have finally figured out that sex with someone's grandmother isn't worth $20.

It has always been a dilemma for theologians to explain why, if God made everything, there is evil in the world. Why would a good God make evil? Someone has explained it this way. Consider first that cold doesn't exist. What we consider to be cold is really an absence of heat. Absolute zero is when there is absolutely no heat, but cold does not really exist. We have only created that term to describe how we feel when heat is not there. Next, consider that darkness does not exist.
Darkness is really only the absence of light. Darkness is only a term man developed to describe what happens when there is no light present. In like manner, evil does not exist. Evil is simply the absence of God. Evil is a term man developed to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or love, which exist as virtues like heat or light. Evil is simply the state where God is not present, like cold without heat or darkness without light.

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens nd post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

Written to Rexall Drug's Customer Service Center:
Dear Carb Solutions,
I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road.
I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim . . . err, uhhh . . ."dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous.
This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference.
It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank." "But we's privates," protests Junior. "We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank." "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now." So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?" "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

Black and White Poem (Someone under age 40 might not understand)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go;
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys;
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too;
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white,
Everything always turned out right;
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen;
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted; alone in bed they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept;
They never cussed or broke their vows,
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be,
In a TV town in '53;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight;
To when everybody knew wrong from right,
Life was better in black and white!

Top 10 Reasons To Live In British Columbia
1. Weed.
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
6. A university with a nude beach.
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
10. Cannabis.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Alberta
1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent for the rest of the country.
4. The Premier is a fat, alcoholic who is easy to make fun of .
5. Flames vs. Oilers.
6. Stamps vs. Eskies.
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
8. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be it's own country.
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Saskatchewan
1. You never run out of wheat.
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
4. Your province is really easy to draw.
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard.
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour’s house.
7. YOUR Roughriders survived.
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
9. People will assume you live on a farm.
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Manitoba
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg".
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto.
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
9. Because of your licence plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off.
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Ontario
1. You live in the center of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the centre of the universe.
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city.
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
8. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house.
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Quebec
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole.
2. Racism is socially acceptable.
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next.
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
6. The FLQ.
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys who can't skate.
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers.
9. Non-smokers are the outcasts.
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards".

Top 10 Reasons To Live In New Brunswick
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken Celtic fiddlers.
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income.
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you.
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Nova Scotia
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire. (Halifax Explosion)
2.The province is shaped like the male genetalia
3. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass.
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert homo
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
7. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
9. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

Top 10 Reasons To Live On Prince Edward Island
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Newfoundland
1. The poorest, drunkest province in Confederation.
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea.
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod.
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
6. You & only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
7. The workday is about two hours long.
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
9. If someone asks if you're from Cape Breton, you are allowed to kick their ass.10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.

How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" --
1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat.
2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat.
3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat).
4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home.
5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.

In the 1950s, when General Motors announced coincidentally on the eve of Yom Kippur, that it was recalling 72,000 Cadillacs, comedian Jack Benny commented, "I have never seen so many Jews walking to synagogue in my life."

I recently remarked to a friend just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. I did, however, let him know how very much she has improved over the years. I related that recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation. "Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly." My friend said, “How wonderful! I can’t imagine how I would respond to such an outpouring.” “Well, caught up in the moment I confided with her that I think her shrink has finally nailed the right combination of Prozac, Lithium and Paxil."

A Mexican in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occurred over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Mexican was heard to mutter as he left the station... "Damned Canadians!"

Idiots Guide To Sex:
- If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.
- "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
- A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.
- Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
- A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
- Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease
- When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.
- If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" He replied "Wrong number asshole" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed
the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello?" "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up). "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you? " he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Asshole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers. " I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance! I'm coming over right now." Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew. Now, I feel better... Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is exhausting....

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

Here are a couple of Oldie Goldies:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Rumored Corporate Mergers
- It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
- Failed merger: Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.
- Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.
- Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive organs.
- Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
- 3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood
- John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da
- Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese
- Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
- Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts
- Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck
- White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags

Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the World looking for a new center to hopefully help win Toronto the Stanley Cup. One of his scouts informs him of a young Sri Lankan center who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Sri Lanka to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the Air Canada Centre. Two weeks later Toronto is down 4-0 at home to Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Sri Lankan centre the nod to go on and he puts him on in place of Sundin. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the ice he phones his Mom to tell her about his first day in the NHL "Hi Mom, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I score 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Great," says his Mom, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mom, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mom, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Scarborough in the first place!

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom, "she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

A girl can be poor on history but great on dates.

The only thing the movies leave to the imagination anymore is the plot.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

Things you seldom hear Rappers Say
"Do these pants come in a smaller size?"
"Can't hang out, man. Gotta take little Timmy here to ballet class."
"Let's go with the plain white enamel crown, please."
"Oops, my briefs are showing!"
"Coco Chanel always said to look in the mirror before leaving the house and remove at least one piece of jewelry."
"Ain't no such thing as 'too much banjo.'"
"Hey, you're going to damage the needle doing that! Just let it play!"
"Who's up for 'Pictionary'?"
"I'm just sayin', dogg, superstring theory may be the only beeyotch steppin' up right now as the possible grand unified theory of physics, but until we can experimentally verify that it be the shizznit, I ain't down wit it, cuz."
"Man, turn that bass down. I can scarcely hear myself think!"
"No ... thank YOU, officer. I believe I *have* learned a valuable lesson this time."
"We don't use potty talk in *this* house, little mister!"
"This Zima is the shiznizzle, but two is my limit."
"We can't record it this way, with all of these grammatical errors -- for gosh sakes, we're role models!"
"I disagree, Kyle. Yanni could kick Tesh's ass."
"Calgon, take me away!"
"Heavens to Betsy, ladies! Cover those booties immediately! You'll catch your death of cold!!"
"Now wave your hands in the air like you're trying to catch fireflies on a warm Cape Cod summer evening!"

Heard about the queer Indian? He was a brave sucker.

Which of King Arthur's Knights designed the round table? Sir Cumforance.

You've really only have two choices for the final curtain, Burial or Cremation. If you have yourself cremated, you will be making an ash of yourself! If you have yourself buried, as petroleum comes from
fossilized bones, you will be making a fuel of yourself!

Ever notice how there's an inverse relationship between a woman's bra size and intelligence? The larger the bra she wears, the dumber the guy she's talking to gets.

The difference between a professional playgirl and an amateur one? Simple! A professional playgirl is one who checks a man's advances until he advances her a few checks.

What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? The former is a hunt on a course.

Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes'.
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics'."
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney."

What's 69 and 69? Dinner for four.

Did you know that…
- the act of snapping one's fingers is called a "fillip." (a prince of a gesture!)
- "teen" is a Scottish word meaning "grief." (I believe most parents already knew this in their hearts)
- Queen bees only sting other queen bees. (kinda like drag queens)

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

During their silver anniversary, Esther reminded her husband Morris, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" Morris replied, "Yes, Esther, that was the happiest hour of my life."

God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

First, an Oldie Goldie in honour of our Prime Minister’s imminent departure……….
Jean Chrétien awoke one morning to a glorious day. The sky was clear, and the sun was bright and radiant. Jean decided to walk to Parliament Hill. As he was walking, he looked up at the sun, and said, Mister Sun, who is de greatest Prime Minister dis country has ever had? The sun beamed down upon Jean, and in a booming voice responded, Jean, there is no doubt that you are the greatest Prime Minister that Canada has ever had! Jean s chest puffed out and he arrived at work feeling wonderful and important. He had a marvelous day, so marvelous that he decided to walk home. The evening sun was as glorious as had been the morning. As he walked, he looked up at the sun and asked, So, Mr. Sun, am I not de greatest Prime Minister Canada has ever had? The Sun looked down at him, and in a booming voice, responded, Jean, you are an asshole. This country has never seen a worse Prime Minister in its entire history. Taken aback, Jean responded, But dis morning, you said dat I was de greatest Prime Minister dis country has ever had. Why did you change your mind?" The sun replied, "Jean, this morning, I was in the East. Tonight, I m in the West!"

Abe Goldberg ran a thriving business in London and became very wealthy. Many of his customers were gentiles and he was therefore, proud of his success and proud of his excellent relationship with his customers. He was however worried about his teenage son, Izzy, the heir to his business. Izzy often used Yiddish words and phrases, some of them vulgar, in front of customers and greatly upset them. For weeks, Abe struggled with his problem. He was a widower and knew of no upper class woman he felt could help curb his son from using such language. At last, the answer came to him. It was the perfect solution. Abe went to see Father Brown, the local Catholic priest and a highly educated cleric whose command of English was flawless. Abe offered a $5,000 donation to the church if the priest would agree to take Izzy under his wing for a week and teach the boy to speak English the way he did. Protesting loudly every step of the way, Izzy went to board with the eloquent priest. A day passed, then two, but Abe heard nothing. Finally, on the third day, he couldn't stand the suspense and he called the church. Father Brown answered the phone himself. Hoping for a miracle, but far from convinced, Abe asked how Izzy was getting on. "Oy," replied the priest, "let me tell you, the first few days with Izzy were hell. He called me 'meshuggeh,' he said my cassock was an ugly 'shmatta', and he never stopped complaining about my 'kvetching.'" Father Brown sighed audibly. "Nu, but don't get your ‘kishkes’ in a knot, Mr. Goldberg. I haven't given up and after all, won't any improvement be better than 'bupkis'?"
What is the hardest thing to remove from little boy’s underwear? Michael Jackson's makeup. While police and prosecutors searched his Santa Barbara ranch, Michael Jackson was in Las Vegas. He was spotted Tuesday afternoon dangling one of his lawyers from his fourth floor balcony.

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your order?"
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Sheehan and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?" Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $ 49.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't do that Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What the..?"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Harley,...registration number E1123..."
Customer: "Holy fuck!"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 You were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman...
Customer:( Speechless)
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!

Dating Types:
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth Wedding Anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school - There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an Armored Car practically at their feet... She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers" and she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an Armored Car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic". She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the Agents sat the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ." The FBI Agent looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here!"

There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her bucks playing Keno,
So she laid on her back
And opened her crack,
Now she owns all the casinos!!!
Having received a return from a bachelor executive who claimed a dependent son, an income-tax inspector sent the form back with a note saying, "This must be a stenographic error." Back came the report with the added notation: "You're telling me!"

Some X-Rated Movie / TV Titles:All That JizzAnus the MenaceThe Cockford FilesThe Cunt of Miss OctoberEnema of the StateFast Times on Rich Mens' ThighsHoward The FuckMr. Holland Groped UsTitti Slickers II - The Search for the Golden CurliesWilly Wanker at the Fudge-Packing Factory

Dyslexics have more fnu. Clones are people two. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Editing is a rewording activity. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Birthdays only come once a year. Aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

With a bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.

There was A girl named Hortense Her breasts were simply immense. One day playing soccer Out popped her left knocker And she kicked it over the fence.
Metric Convergence and Other Odd Equivalences:1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
10 cards: 1 decacards
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1000 aches: 1 kilohurts
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: Rod Serling
14 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: A Knot-furlong
2 monograms: 1 diagram100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 rations: 1 decoration
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
4000 pounds of Chinese soup: 2 Won ton
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation? A He Then

There was a young man named Mcbride
Who could fart whenever he tried.
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two,
And then he shit and was disqualified.

A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his plants. He called in an agronomist who told him to cover the base of each plant with cat manure! With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough manure for his plants. The plants produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange. With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?" "I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!!!"

What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common? They’re both looking for dead beaver!
Did you know that most heart attacks happen between 8:00 a.m. and 9:00 a.m. (Right after the bills arrive in the mail!)

My son went to the store with 25 cents. In front of the store firecrackers were being sold for 20 cents, so he bought one. He wanted to buy some fruit, but with only 5 cents left over, he could only afford one cherry. Returning home, I asked him what he’d bought. He replied, "Bought a bing, bought a boom!"

Student athletes tend to focus too much on sports and aren’t always the brightest lights around. One such player called his coach at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that the coach wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. The wife told him to calm down, and that she’d have him call as soon as he got
home. She then asked, “What's your number?” The junior jock replied, "Three."

Good Democrats: Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active. Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers. Howard Dean called with a get well message. Richard Gephardt called with encouragement on recovery. BiIl Clinton called Mrs. Kerry.

When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Oh, I don't know - just give me something with diamonds in it.’ So I bought her a deck of cards.

Little Matthew and his family were having a big family dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Matthew received his plate he started eating right away. "Matthew, wait until we say our prayer," his mother said. "I don't have to." the boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Matthew explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

There was this church that had a very big busted organist -her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played - they distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled - something had to be done about them or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to rub alum on them and maybe they would shrink in size - she agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol - we will not haff a thermon today."

First, let’s dispose of the inevitable and shameless Jacko retreads…….
Hear about Michael Jackson's new hit single? The boy in jeans is not my lover.What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson has had more noses.Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? The In's and Out's of Child RearingWhat's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?. He heard boy's pants were half-off.What's brown and in a baby's diaper? Michael Jackson's hand.What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Get out of my sun.How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? There's a big wheel parked outside his house.Hear about the duet Michael Jackson sung with George Michael? Don't let your son go down on me.What is black and comes in a little white can? Michael Jackson.What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab? "You know, I feel like a new boy."What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common? They both ride three year olds.How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?. From a catalogue.What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10? Two 5 year olds.Why did Michael Jackson cross the road? He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service.When is it time for bed at Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand
Did Wacko Jacko commit the attack-o?
Is he guilty of an illegal fudge pack-o?
Cut the man some slack-o.
It's evidence we lack-o.
Maybe he just squirted lotion on the kid's back-o. And now, in honour (sorry, honor) of my American friends, some Thanksgiving-inspired humo(u)r: Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Tips For a Festive Thanksgiving 10. Not enough chairs at the table? Kill one of the guests.9. To give your turkey that smokey flavor, leave it in the garage with a car running. 8. A fake severed finger in the stuffing is a sure laugh-getter. 7. Have pumpkin sign an affidavit before you cut it up and make a pie. 6. Watch Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and look for my new balloon, "Harry The Hypodermic Needle”5. For fun, point to dozing relative and announce, "I injected her!" 4. Reenact story of the Pilgrims' first assisted suicide. 3. If the turkey is good, describe it as "terminally juicy." 2. At end of meal stand up and proclaim, "We all have the right to diet!" 1. Two words: gravy I.V. When did the Pilgrims first say "God bless America?" The first time they heard America sneeze! What are unhappy cranberries called? Blueberries! What's blue and covered with feathers? A turkey holding its breath! What's the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY! If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede? A shit-load of drumsticks! What would you call a pet squash? Call it anything you want- it won't hear you! What did the farmer say to the green pumpkin? Why orange you orange? Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off! When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand? On their feet! Why didn't the turkey eat dessert? He was stuffed! What cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus! What's the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie? Your teeth! Why did they let the turkey join the band? He had the drumsticks! What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an octopus? Eight feather dusters! What kind of vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner? Beets me! What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner? Your nose! Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet. Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle? He wanted a light snack! What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock! Why do Turkeys gobble, gobble? They never learned good table manners! This week’s snowfall calls for another Oldie Goldie:
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Newfoundland and ...I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
TRUE STORY - As I was gassing up my car last week, I was admiring a brand-spanking-new, gleaming, black Hummer at the next pump (I can't believe this schmuck was at the same self serve pumps as me) but even more striking than the vehicle was the stunning blonde bimbette (who was by the way smoking a cigarette while her boyfriend filled up the gas tank) languishing in the front passenger seat. While perfunctorily filling up my own tank, I found myself repeatedly drawn to check out both the peroxide nymph and that dark behemoth of a gift package. After paying for his gas inside the station, the thirty-something boyfriend put up the collar on his leather jacket and slowly swaggered back to his twin trophies. Of course I'd probably walk like that too if I was contemplating two hummers in one day! In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. (If you lived in Florida during the last presidential election, there's an excellent chance you might as well have lived in feudal times.)She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A plateau is a high form of flattery. What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist? A proctologist waits on one asshole at a time.
Ways to Seduce Your Spouse After Fifty Years of Marriage: Secretly replace his Centrum Silver with Viagra.
Tiger-striped Depends, baby! Light a few candles and put on some romantic music -- then dress up like "Matlock." Walk around the house in a T-shirt, black socks and no underpants. Hey, it worked for my old man. Sensuous Aspercreme rubdowns. Shout lewd suggestions into her hearing aid. Crank up the oxygen tent to "high" and hope you get lucky. Give her a sensual foot massage, and while you're down there, go ahead and rub her breasts as well.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. - Edgar Wallace

Prayer for Husbands: Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford. Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do! Prayer for Wives: Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs. Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do!

An update on the old TWO COWS theme:DEMOCRAT - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST - You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST - You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE - You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE - You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE - You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION - You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION - You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION - You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. IRAQI CORPORATION - You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION - You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.FLORIDA CORPORATION - You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION - You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm"for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A.Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A.Times analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault. AMEN! There was a young girl from Odessa,A rather unblushing transgressor.When sent to the priestThe lewd little beastBegan to undress her confessor.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew it both times!
Then there was the confused Canadian Mountie who jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Bayer released a brand-new anti-impotence drug called Levitra in England on Tuesday. It's advertised to be good for five to six hours at a time. Tony Blair bought up the entire first shipment to keep the Labor Party from going soft on Iraq.

According to a new survey just released about sex, 41 percent of the people interviewed said they would consider having sex for money if the amount offered was large enough. The average female said the amount would have to be at least $100,000 and the average male responded with, "How much do you have on you?"

There was a young man named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee.
He made oodles of money
By Oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.
A young girl got a part time job in a local restaurant to pick up a little spare change. She was a little concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them but a co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. On her first day, the nervous lass served all the lunches successfully utilizing every stand she could find. A little later she was concerned about an elderly couple that had finished some time ago paid their check, but remained sitting at the table. When she asked if everything had been all right, the man said quietly, " Yes, It was fine, dear, but my wife and I would like to leave now and we were wondering if she could she please have her walker back?"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma."

There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said Perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin.

What do gay termites eat? Wood Peckers

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass!

New Year’s Resolutions you CAN Keep:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

New Year’s Resolutions For Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
8. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
9. When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
11. I will think of a password other than "password."
12. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!


New Years Resolutions for Pets (January 1, 2004)

1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
8. Always scoot before licking.
9. Grow opposable thumb
10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
13. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
14. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
15. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
16. We do not have a doorbell.
17. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
18. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
19. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
20. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
21. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
22. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
23. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
24. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
25. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
26. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
27. I will not throw up in the car.
28. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
29. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
30. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
31. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
32. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
33. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
34. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
35. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
36. Break into pantry;
37. Decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

A New Year's Recipe

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free from all old memories of bitterness, rancour, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short , see that these months are freed from all the past; have them as fresh and clean as when they first came from the great storehouse of Time.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put twelve parts of faith, eleven of patience, ten of courage, nine of work (some people omit this ingredient and so spoil the flavour of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of liberality, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like leaving the oil out of the salad, don't do it), three of prayer, two of meditation, and one well selected resolution. If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humour.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with a vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.



Not to be outdone by Ebonics in California, the Southern Association of Colleges & Schools is requesting billions of federal dollars to teach y'allbonics in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon line. Included here are some samples of y'allbonics. If y 'all do not understand any of them, contact your closest southern bubba for an explanation. HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?" BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a coke." IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime." RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep on fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh ass." RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer." FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.. must be from some farn country." DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!" BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - (noun) & (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf." SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction (verb) & pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" If a doctor of geriatrics treats old people, and a doctor of gynecology treats women; then I assume that it's safe to say
that a geriatric-gynecologist specialize in a person that spreads old wives tails.

Have a headache? Eat plenty of fish. Fish oil helps prevent headaches. So does ginger, which reduces inflammation
and pain. ( So what do you feel like tonight – eating fish or Ginger?)

New Year's Wishes:
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more
fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

Friday Funnies Jan
Kass

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors. "But dad, how will I know?" "Trust me son, you will know. "After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand. "Well son, how did it go?" "Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard." "But how could you tell he was gay?" "Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling, "THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"


A man says to wife, "I'm feeling kinky tonight. How about I cum in your ear, baby?"His wife says, "No way! I might go deaf." Her husband replies dryly, "I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years, and you never shut the fuck up ..."

Fake Orgasm Check List
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something
the majority of men would rather not question in case
they discovered that she has been all along, and that
they are not in fact the stud they thought women go
wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a
problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but
would still like to know, there is a simple checklist
to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the
moment it sounds as though she is about to have an
orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she has been
reading. If she says "Oh, I was reading that", then
she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune,
or sound like a familiar song, then she can't be
concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must
therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the
song playing on her personal stereo.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate,
is: stop at random and record her response. If every
time you stop she says "Mmmmmmm you were wonderful",
then she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop", then
she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop" hours
after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she
may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the
excitement.

At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another.
Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $3,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the crowd came the cry, "Three thousand five hundred!"

Man goes to dentist, and dentist looks at the man's false teeth, and says, "this plate is all eaten away and corroded, How did this happen?" The man says, "Maybe its because my wife has been feeding us a lot of hollindaise sauce?". The dentist replies, "Of course, that sauce is full of lemon juice, and thats what ate away your plate, but I'll fix that. I'll make you a new plate out of chromium, because everyone knows there's nothing like being chrome for the hollindaise."

FOOD FOR MUCH THOUGHT!
I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease .. that's when your chest is falling into your drawers.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time."

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write A Good Doctor .. or 911!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are you supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite.

If you think your problems are behind you, chances you are driving a school bus.

I saw in a newspaper ad the other day about a new erectile dysfunction drug that claims it will allow a man to last seven
times longer than Viagra. On the same page there was a story about Elizabeth Dole disappearing and speculation that she may have gone into hiding.

One tablespoon of honey before going to bed makes a great sedative and is better for your body than pills.

CONFUCIUS SAYS - Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...
"Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...Where's your wheely bin?" "OK, OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank"

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom" The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush". Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease? The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease? The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day? The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

Questions and answers about Mad Cow disease

Q. If I drink milk from an infected cow, will it harm me?
A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesnt bither me a bot. I am the same today as I was tomorrow.

Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat?
A. They say memory is affected. What was your question?

Q. What can you do with infected cattle? Killing them seems so inhumane.
A. Well I have 6 in my backyard and they think they are a herd of geese.

Q. Is it true the infected cows come from Canada?
A. Let's listen to the cows and see..... Eh Mooo eh moo, eh meow

Q. Are there any infected cows in Quebec?
A. Again let's listen.... Le Moo, Le Moo, Le meow

Q. Can this disease be sexualy transmitted?
A. Buddy if you ask this question, switch to sheep.

Q. How can you detect Mad cow disease in a bull?
A. He would be the one wearing high heels.

Who says the Muslims aren't funny? Here are some jokes from that ka-RAY-zee Muslim standup comic, Goffaq Yussef!
- Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. You have no right to be having a good time. You, sir, in the front row, is that a scud missile under your kaftan or are you just happy to see me?
- On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied." - How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb. None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it! - Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians ? It bombed! - What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty! - Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity! - Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel! - Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group! - A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!

Oldie Goldie: Halachah chah chah!
Question: Is it permissible to take Viagra on the Sabbath?
Answer: There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on the Sabbath. Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath lest one violate the law that forbids erecting a structure (boneh) on the Sabbath. However, Beit Hillel does not read it as "boneh" but as "boner" and permits the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath.
The ingestion of Viagra (known as "Yeshurun" or the straight one) is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the kids are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.
Question: What bracha does one say before taking Viagra?
Answer: There is a choice of four blessings:
1) Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree.
2) Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim - Staighten those who are bent.
3) Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo - arise and come.
4) Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim - raise the dead

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sureeverything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way isit headed?"

Two ladies were working in a women's lingerie store when they saw a man nervously wandering up and down the aisles.One of the clerks walked over. "Is there something I can help you find?" she said. "No, really, I think I can find it myself" "Really sir, don't be shy. This is a lingerie store and it's our job to help people find the things they need. You shouldn't be embarrassed." "Well, okay. I'm looking for a bra for my wife." "Well that's no problem, we sell those everyday. What size does she need?" "7 ¾ inches” "Are you sure? That's a rather odd size. How did you measure her?" "With my hat."

Here’s one in honour of ‘The Duke’ – Marion (John) Wayne
If I were a cowboyI'd eat lots of beans.I'd do lots-o-cussin'And wear skintight jeans,Suede boots with high heelsAnd long pointy toes,And a shirt with pearl buttonsAnd a big yellow rose,And a ten gallon StetsonWith a band made of feathers,And a handcrafted beltMade of five different leathers,And a big shiny buckleOf silver and gold,And a furry lined vestSo I don't get too cold,And lizard-skin holstersWith pearl handle guns,And hard leather chapsSo I don't hurt my buns.I'd ride a white stallionAnd live on the prairie.Tall in the saddleAnd dressed like a fairy!
A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.- The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.- The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.- The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.- The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.- The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.- The Jew picked out the fly and sold it to the Chinese.- The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine.- The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.- The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman.- The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering.- The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit it ALL out all ya bugger!'
The drug maker responsible for bringing us Viagra, recently reported that sales were way down. They think that all those old guys that were the major users of the product have finally figured out that sex with someone's grandmother isn't worth $20.

Lotteries are just a tax on people who suck at math. Still and all... you gotta play to win!

Did you hear about the new all female delivery service called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it!

Medicine has become so specialized. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists -
any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes and indeed makes an entire career out of in your hole. And if
the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
Not many people know that Edison was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the west, he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light, even though the village had electricity in the homes. As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life - provided we get cable or that dish thing.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

Don't let aging get you down ~ It's too hard to get back up.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose - some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Even as women get older, guys still look at their boobs, unfortunately the men have to squat down first.

For my birthday, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday: I hate that witch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world – that stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and from which you graduated magna cum laude.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Did you know that brain-wave activity in humans changes when we catch the punch line of a joke. (Finally, an exercise I can do)

CONFUCIUS SAYS man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle's body and poke his head out of the eagle's rectum. The eagle was still flying around, looking for more food to eat. The little mouse said, "We're pretty high up, aren't we?" "Yep. Pretty high", the eagle agreed. "About how high would you say we are?" asked the mouse. "Oh.....I'd say about 10,000 feet". To which the mouse asked, "You wouldn't shit me would you?" (I guess the eagle must be as used as I am to talking to assholes!)

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only REAL men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only REAL men drive taxis in Rome."

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:- Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of thefather of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.- I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedlyfrom behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.- I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I hadunprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage totrack down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.- I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.- I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.- I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.- I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.- Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?- From the dates it seems that my daughter, the survey says....she was conceived at Euro Disney; Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
- So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
-And this one was saved for the last for its bold venture into bio-philosophy…… I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

HIDDEN MEANINGS IN COMMERCIAL SLOGANS:
- "A diamond is forever." -- "Which is *exactly* how long you'll be hearing about it from the wife if you don't cough up the
green for some ice, pal."
- "Built Ford tough" -- "It's an American version of tough; not REALLY tough, like German cars are tough."
- "I can't believe it's not butter!" -- "Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds, makes you dumb as a post."
- "Pork; the other white meat" -- "When Heston starts screaming that it's people, don't say we didn't warn you."
- "An Army of one" -- "Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"
- "A diamond says you'd marry her all over again" -- "You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."
- "Have it your way" -- "Think of us as your personal hamburger whore."
- "Just Do It" -- "We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy the friggin' shoes."
- "The new way to office" -- "The half-assed way to slogan."
- "It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." –
- "Those damn slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our soups!"
- "Must-see TV" -- "Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"
- "Calgon, take me away!" -- "I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."
And the top Hidden Meaning in a Commercial Slogan... "Like a rock" -- "God knows we weren't selling many pickups
with that Boy George tune."

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN
Horny
Hungry
Thirsty
Sleepy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

A blonde goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed. "I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant." "Oh," says the blonde, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND & THE NEWFIE'S!!
If you're a Newfie, you should be proud! Here are a few tidbits of information that you may have never known before:
WE WERE......
-the first province to respond to Titanic's distress signal
-the first to vaccinate for smallpox
-the first to host a transatlantic flight
-the first to have wireless communication in the world
-the first place to discover proof of the theory of continental drift
WE HAVE......
-the oldest street in North America
-the oldest city in North America
-the oldest rock in the world
-the oldest continuous sporting event (Regatta Day rules!)
-the largest university in Atlantic Canada
-the most pubs per square foot in Canada (George Street)
-the longest running radio program in North America
-caught the world's largest invertebrate (giant squid)
WE ARE......
-the funniest people in Canada (ask anybody)
-the sexiest people in Canada (Macleans magazine survey)
-the only province that has four identifiable flags
-the only province able to land the space shuttle (Stephenville)
-the most giving people in Canada (Stats Canada)
-the most sexually active people in all of Canada (what else are we gonna do?)
A NEWFOUNDLANDER......
-built the world's first artificial ice arena
-invented the gas mask
-was once governor of northern Rhodesia
-was with Abraham Lincoln at Gettysberg
WE ARE THE ONLY PROVINCE TO HAVE IT'S OWN........
-encyclopedia
-dictionary
-pony
-dogs
-cultural publication
-by reading this, you now know more about Newfoundland than...well, almost everyone!!

In a recent interview, Britney Spears said that one of the songs on her new album is about masturbation because she thinks it's something that should be encouraged. Then the reporter told Britney not to worry because nobody has encouraged masturbation more than she does.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

Takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Close to 85% of the plant life on planet earth is in the oceans.

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it. The bartender says, "You mean a cherry." She says, "No, I mean a plum." The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever asked for a Manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?" She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!"

In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.

An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and...misses. They lose the match. On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!" The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much harder.”

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? The ones in the casinos are much more serious.

I had gay burglars the other night… They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except
the top three. So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table. The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad. The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged. He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is
going on up there." "Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize." "But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks. "Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003: (or so they say)
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Jim is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Jim and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Jim, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Jim stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Jim moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Jim replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

When Rok, the caveman, invented fire, his first thought wasn’t, "Hey, now we can cook!" It was, "Whoopee! Now we can see naked women in the dark!"

The following statements were actually made during court cases.

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think all prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too, were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court.
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son...the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere?

A three year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced. "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her. "No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

My Cup Has Overflowed (let’s appreciate what we have)

I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

When I think of how many people in this world have it worse than I do,I realize just how fortunate most of us really are.

This scene supposedly took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available." The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. , However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class." At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?Democrat's Answer:Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.Republican's Answer:BANG!Southerner's Answer:BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(Sounds of reloading.)Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too."BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
The marriage vows have changed somewhat over the years. The old bit about 'love honour and obey in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer 'til death do us part' has been altered to read 'Do you promise to love and cherish each other until it's inconvenient or you're tired of it or somebody more exciting comes along or it's just not fun anymore.'

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no need for two people to remember the same thing.

My wife is the worst cook in the world. After dinner; I don't brush my teeth - I count them.

In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was celibate for six straight years……..and then she
turned seven."

Scientists have finally figured out what killed the ancient Egyptians. They slept on pillows made of stone - it was those
damn pillow fights that did them in.

I know the difference between sadist and masochist... but you're going to have to beat it out of me.

In Davis, CA, a man who used to perform autopsies has been arrested for taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. Apparently his bail cost him an arm and a leg.

It was reported that Prince Charles of England is going to launch his own line of men's wear. Apparently Prince Charles' fashions will be advertised as 'work clothes for the man who has never had a job.

Hate that smell of fish bait on your hands after fishing? Squeeze an inch of Colgate Toothpaste into your palm and wash hands under running water. (We hear it works for other things that just smell like fish, too)

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking. Health Canada should take note of that penis study. There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if advertised properly will end smoking once and for all in the male population ... of this man hath no greater fear.
To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we (Health Canada) asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division, currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra, to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packages. Here are some sample warnings . . .
Smoke rises -- you may not.
Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff and so do you.
How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?
Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
Continue Smoking -- You just put your sex life in your hands.

A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to apply to a hospital. The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright and had a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions just to quiz her. "Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions before we make anything definite, ok?" "Of course," said the woman "Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the director. "That's easy," the woman said, "A tonsillectomy." "Very good. Ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?" the director continued.
"I believe that is an appendectomy," the woman said confidently. "Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director asked. Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change operation was called. She sat staring at the wall for some time before the director began to get anxious. "Do you know?" he asked repeatedly. Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said, "Of course, that would be an Addadictomy."
It looks like the deal between the U.S. and Israel government's to bolster co-operation between each others Armies is off as the U.S. side has balked at the request from Israel and refuses to give in to their request. The Israelis said they would like to exchange three of their generals for three of ours. The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage. The Israelis agreed and stated they wanted General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics in exchange! Mike finally comes out of the closet and admits to Bill that he is gay. Bill says, "You're a homosexual? Are you seeing apsychiatrist?" "No," Mike said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army." At 150,000 tons, the Queen Mary II is nearly twice as big as the Queen Elizabeth II - roughly the same weight differential that separated their namesakes. Who is Michael Jackson's favourite poet? Emily Dick-in-son (who apparently isn’t his anyway)

The German word for Vaseline is Vienerschlippen

According to Luigi Piccardi, a geologist in Italy, earthquakes, not a monster, probably produced the sightings in Loch Ness
in the 1930s. The first mention of the monster described it as appearing with strong shaking and then left shaking herslef.
Piccardi believes that the small shocks produced by the Great Glen Fault caused gas emissions and strong seismic noises which people associated with a great beast. "Many of the most famous monster eye-witness accounts only describe a violent commotion of the water surface and anomalous waves, while the presence of the beast was simply inferred as being the cause of the disturbance. The most famous manifestations of Nessie occurred during 1933-1934, just preceding the earthquake of August 16, 1934, which was particularly felt at Inverness and Foyers. In the Inverness Courier of August 20, 1934, you can find the description of the earthquake effects and, on the facing page, a 'monster spotting' account" Piccardi said.

CONFUCIUS SAYS man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money.

Oldie Goldie updated:
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things
have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the
English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a fucking cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of fucking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

There once was a young man named Drude,Who was so incredibly rude,But he could persuade,The most innocent maid,And though rude this crude dude could get screwed.

Miss Fanny, adored by John Keats,
Loved romances and sucking on sweets;
Yet one glance from this skirt
Could reduce the poor squirt
To a few inarticulate bleats.

Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is quite inferior!"
She, not to be crass,
Showed him some real class
Saying, "You can kiss my posterior!"

Humble Pie (To the tune of Don McLean's "American Pie")A long, long week agoI can still remember how the market used to make me smileWhat I'd do when I had the chanceIs get myself a cash advanceAnd add another tech stock to the pile.But Alan Greenspan made me shiverWith every speech that he deliveredBad news on the rate frontStill I'd take one more puntI can't remember if I criedWhen I heard about the CPII lost my fortune and my prideThe day the NASDAQ diedSo bye-bye to my piece of the pieNow I'm gettin' calls for margin'Cause my cash account's dryIt's just two weeks from a new all-time highAnd now we're right back where we were in JulyWe're right back where we were in JulyDid you buy stocks you never heard of?QCOM at 150 or above?'Cos George Gilder told you soNow do you believe in Home Depot?Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio?Well, I know that you were leveraged tooSo you can't just take a long-term viewYour broker shut you downNo more margin could be foundI never worried on the whole way upBuying dot coms from the back of a pickup truckBut Friday I ran out of luckIt was the day the NAAAASDAQ diedI started singin'Bye-bye to my piece of the pieNow I'm gettin' calls for margin'Cause my cash account's dryIt's just two weeks from a new all-time highAnd now we're right back where we were in JulyYeah we're right back where we were in July

An overweight business associate decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic donut. His staff members scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special donut," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of pastries. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious donuts, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

Last week I saw a guy with a sign ‘Superbowl or Bust’. Who’d a thunk we’d get both!

William Rosenberg, the food franchising pioneer who founded the Dunkin' Donuts chain has died. He was 86. They say his eyes just glazed over.

PowerGen is a large UK company that sells electricity and has recently formed an Italian division. They went for the obvious company name and registered the domain for it in the newly formed Italian company name. No, this isn't a joke they really have done this www.powergenitalia.com ~ It's rumoured that the marketing director is now seeking an alternative position.

CONFUCIUS SAY - girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
There once was a boy named Kevin
Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then eight and then nine,
And though ten was divine,
You can bet there’ll be film at eleven.

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." - Jackie Mason

Age only matters if you're cheese.

He who laughs, lasts.

I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 PM.

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.

The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every colour.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me...you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

Gene had just finished his first shot on the ninth hole at the Northview Golf Club and was approaching his second shot when he heard a noise in the nearby bushes. Not having seen any golfers previously playing before him, he thought that perhaps another golfer was having a “rest relief” break. Just about to start his next shot with a Three Iron, the person in the bushes shouted out to him, “Hey – you got any paper?” Quite disturbed by the unwelcome disturbance, Gene muttered back, “No – I don’t have any paper.” Getting ready for his shot again, the voice from the bushes became more urgent, “Have you got any spare clothing with you – or a golf rag on your cart? Anything!!!” Once again, Gene shouts back, “No – I don’t!” Now Gene was quite upset, and just wanted to get away from the bush. So he reached into his golf bag for a Six Iron… Setting up for the swing, the voice from the bush comes back to him, “Got change for a twenty dollar bill?”

I got a new car radio yesterday. It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays soul. You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll. Some children ran in front of my car. I yelled out "fucking kids". Now my radio is playing Michael Jackson.

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning - he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. “This is an outrage,” he complained. “The faucet marked ‘C’ gave me boiling water.” “But, Monsieur, ‘C’ stands for CHAUDE – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.” “Wait a minute,” roared the patron. “The other tap is also marked ‘C’.” “Of course,” said the manager. “It stands for COLD. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city.”

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a fortune supplying paints to the colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.

The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, Bucko, where's your crapper?" The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

Here’s a little humour from various parts of the religious world:

By the time Sam arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to synagogue and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" "Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Imagine the difficulty trying to market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur?
‘Forget about celebrating. Think ‘observing’. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person’.
A synagogue had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: SYNAGOGUE CAR PARK – FOR MEMBERS ONLY – Trespassers will be circumcised!
An ad for one synagogue has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions. At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?" He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up. The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?" The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband." Clever signs on churches: “No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.” “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.”
“Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”
“How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-Smoking?”
“If you’re headed n the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
“Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.” “Free Trip To Heaven. Details Inside.”
“Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.”

“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.”
“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long, and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
“It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to Church.”
“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
“This is a Ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the Church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

What do Christians most look forward to at football games? Converts after the touchdowns.

Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a pizza. "Certainly your majesty," says the manager. "Will it be your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

And now for some out of town scores: B.C. LIONS 7 - A.D. CHRISTIANS 0

A Cockney asked for a Roman Catholic co-worker's help in choosing a bride. "I'm torn between Evelyn and Maria," he said. "'Ow do you Catholics make decisions?" "I go to Church," said his friend. "Then I look up and pray, and the answer comes to me." The next day the Cockney was all excited. "I did what you told me, mate, and the answer was given to me!""What happened?" "I went to your Church, knelt in prayer, looked up and there it was! Written in gold, 'igh above a stained glass window." "What did it say?" "It said, 'ave Maria."

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth...95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, He thought for a moment and said "Maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% is bad and only 5% is good." God was saddened at the confirmation of the bad news. He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said?Oh, you didn't get one either?

A missionary visiting a cannibal tribe asked the chief, “Do you people know anything about religion?” “Well,” explained the chief, “we got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here.”

If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.

Why do people with chronic coughs never seek medical care? Because they’re too busy going to classical music concerts, religious services, and movies.

A kindergartner liked practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom were all proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D." "Look what I spelled, Mom!" he exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!", his mother praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That religious education is certainly having an impact, she happily thought. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"

The congregation liked their new pastor, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; and the third week he rattled on for an hour and a half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat. To their relief, the pastor had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Gently stroking his madam,
And great was his mirth
For on all of this earth
There were only two balls and he had 'em!

Welcome to the Valentine's edition - February 14 is the second most celebrated day (in the U.S., after Christmas). So, Happy Valentine’s Day to those who celebrate it ( and happy palm Sunday to those who don’t!). THE LEGEND OF THE VALENTINE The legend says St. Valentine Was in a prison cell Thinking of his little flock He had always loved so well And wanting to assure them Of his friendship and his love He picked a bunch of violets And sent them by a dove. And on the violets' leaves He pierced these lines divine That simply said, "I Love You" And "I'm your Valentine" So through the years that followed From that day unto this Folks still send messages of love And seal them with a kiss. Because a Saint in prison Reached through prison bars one day And picked a bunch of violets And sent them out to say That faith and love can triumph No matter where you are For faith and love are greater Than the strongest prison bar. I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon to shoot me in the heart or any other part of my anatomy. Cupid shot his arrow at my heart But what he hit wasn’t that part. His aim was low and I hate to be crass But the little shit shot me in the ass! Tourists are causing a lot of anxiety, and are costing money, to a tiny village where signs keep disappearing. What do the signs read? "Welcome to Fucking, Austria." Pronounced "fooking," the little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko. The town sign has been stolen seven times in the last few months. With signs costing several hundred dollars apiece, much of the tiny town's budget is being spent replacing the signs, says Siegfried Hoeppel, the Mayor of Fucking (what a title!). He went on to express his hope that further thefts will be avoided through the use of increased concrete and bigger screws. And direct from the town, here’s your ‘fucking’ Valentine. Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when i cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Have nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought u was as good as i Was ever gonna get No matter wot u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer! THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR VALENTINE'S DATE: Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra? I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. I used to come here all the time with my ex. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am. MAFIA VALENTINE CARDS: My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement. I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes. Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa. I picked up this card from a slim selection But that's all they offer here in witness protection. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass. Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead? The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook! Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like. When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore! Two Alzheimer patients, the Glovers Said, snuggling up under the covers: Our crow's feet are crumpling But sweet Sugar Dumpling" Forget not we're Valentine lovers! A newlywed husband called Bart Said, "You are the queen of my heart. You'll always be mine My sweet valentine... I'll love you till debt do us part!" A real guy’s idea of a seven-course meal for Valentine's Day is a hot dog and a six-pack. A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his penis dripping after he had urinated. The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem." After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all of a sudden he heard sniffff and it was gone! Little Johnny strikes up a conversation with another boy in line. "My name is Tommy. What's yours?" asks the boy. "Johnny". "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?" asked Tommy. Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Tommy. Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind." A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry... It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, linen colors, etc.). The Customer Service Representative asked if she wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom." Marriage is a mutual relationship - if only they both know when to be mute. I think my wild oats has turned to shredded wheat. CONFUCIUS SAYS: Butcher who back into meat grinder, get a little behind in his work. Girl who marry detective may have to kiss dick. A doctor said to a male patient, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has herpes." "Jeez! What could possibly be good news." "She didn't get it from you." A man opens an outdoor stall to sell bagels and puts up a sign, "50 cents each". A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn't take a bagel. The next day he does the same thing. For weeks and months, this goes on. One day, as he's jogging past, the owner joins step with him.The jogger laughs and says, "I know why you're here. You want to know why I always put money in the bucket and never take a bagel." "No",says the owner, "It's not that at all". "I just want to tell you that the bagels have just gone up to 60 cents." There once were two young girls from Birmingham I knew a wild story concerning 'em They lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. Hey guys, if you think YOUR life is bad, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard. Only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys But worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!! So cheer up, your life ain't that bad!!!! "I LOVE YOU" IN 23 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES: English.........I Love You Albanian.......Une Te Dua Arabic..........Ana Bhibbik Catalan........Testimo Molt Chinese........Wo Ai Ni Eskimo.........Nagligivaget Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua French.........Je T'aime German........Ich Liebe Dich Greek...........S'Agapo Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh Hungarian....Se Ret Lay Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat Italian...........Ti Amo Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu Maltese........ien Inhobbok Persian........Du Stet Daram Romanian.....Te iubesc Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya Spanish........Te Amo Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum

Jewish Light Bulb Changing:
How many Chassidic Rebbes does it take to change light bulb? What is a light bulb?

How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb? Change?

How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? Call a committee.

How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anyone can change anything they want whenever they want to.

How many Jewish Renewal Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity using nuclear power. Two as long as male and female rabbis have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three - one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindful practice during the change and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light bulb." Four, same as above plus one additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

How many Shlomo Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? Gevalt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuva. So it takes everyone there to get real close and sing a nigun listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchack Berditchever story and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

How many ordinary Jews does it take to change a light bulb? 30 - one to change it and 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

How many Lubavticher does it take to change a light bulb? None, it never died.

How many Breslover Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None, there will never be one who that will burn as brightly as the first one.

How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE? You vant to change de light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!

Never Judge a Book by its Author;
And Shut Up! ... Sid DowneAnimal Illnesses ... Ann Thrax Cloning ... Ima Dubble Downpour! ... Wayne Dwops Fallen Underwear ... Lucy Lastic French Overpopulation ... Francis Crowded Handel's Messiah ... Ollie Luyah Holmes Does it Again ... Scott Linyard Home Alone IV ... Eddie BuddyhomeHouse Construction ... Bill Jerome Home I Lived in Detroit ... Helen Earth Inflammation, Please ... Arthur Itis Irish Flooring ... Lynn O'Leum Is O. J. Guilty? ... Howard I. Know It's Springtime! ... Theresa Green Leo Tolstoy ... Warren Peace Lewis Carroll ... Alison Wonderland Look Younger ... Fay Slift Mountain Climbing ... Andover Hand Neither a Borrower ... Nora Lender Bee No! ... Kurt Reply Off to Market ... Tobias A. Pigg The French Chef ... Sue Flay The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ... Kareem O' Wheat The Scent of a Man ... Jim Nasium Tight Situation ... Leah Tard Unemployed ... Anita Job Why Cars Stop ... M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows ... Russell Ingleaves

Prince Charles denied rumors published on Monday that he engaged in a sexual act with a male royal servant. Of course, whether he did or didn't is really quite moot. If the rumor is NOT true he will be the next King of England, and if it IS true he will be the Queen.

The difference between the rich and poor is that the rich have a canopy over their beds and the poor have a can-o’pee under their beds.
Brunette: “I need to lose twenty pounds.”Blonde: “Maybe you should go on an English diet.”Brunette: “What’s an English diet?”Blonde: “I’m not sure, but I read in the paper that a woman in England recently lost 5,000 pounds!”

“Today,” said the professor, I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen.” Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, “Darn, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s an organ recital.”

“This little computer,” said the Future Shop sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.” Studying the machine, the senior VP decided, “Fine, I’ll take two.”

My neighbours are so slow and backward they must have come over on the Juneflower.

There's a new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy - it has the same pictures month after month after month after month.

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, notorious for his use of the vernacular or speaking in terms of the layman, tried to perk up the students a bit. He asked a woman in the front row, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?" "Sure" she said,. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

This week, Barbara Walters said that 25 years of doing the show was enough and announced her wetirement.

Lots of people had a tough time with ‘My Doom’, but enough about Joe Lieberman’s campaign.

The Postmaster has announced that a new stamp has been issued, in honour of Canadian hookers. He said the stamps can be picked up for FREE, But if you lick one, it will cost you fifty cents!

After many years of marriage, a wife tells her husband that she wants to make love like an Olympic athlete. He is exhilarated and excited by this news and says, "Do you mean long and steady like a marathon runner?" "No," she says. "Do you mean explosive and exciting like a 100-metre sprinter?" "No," says his wife again. "Do you mean graceful and beautiful like a woman gymnast?" "No, that's not what I mean." "Then darling, what do you mean when you say you want to make love like an Olympic athlete?" "Once every four years," says his wife.

And now a little medical humour:
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Insurance is like a hospital gown - you’re never covered as much as you think you are. (That’s why they call it ‘I C U’!)

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Doctors have just created a new birth control pill for men. After all it only seems fair - it makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else. Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

And speaking of doctors, here’s a Canadianized version of an oldie goldie:A Newfie woman visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. He won't even take an aspirin." Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." When she rang up the doctor, the poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor." Really? What happened?", asked the doctor. Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!" Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?" No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again!"

A thief slipped in and out of the Louvre museum in France with a number of priceless art treasures. After eluding all of the intricate security measures, the thief was captured just a few blocks from the museum when his Dodge Caravan ran out of gas. Investigators were baffled that a man who could elude such state of the art protection devices, could be foiled by such a minor oversight. When questioned about his gaffe, the burglar replied, "I didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Sadie goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray colour that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Sadie walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. Sadie replies, "Mistah, have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

Linguistic Permutations - The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle? IDIOS AMIGOS We're wild and crazy guys! VENI, VIPI, VICI I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS The cat is dead. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you're Scottish. QUE SERA SERF Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS I am three years old. FELIX NAVIDAD Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO A fast retort ALOHA OY Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.MAZEL TON Tons of luck APRES MOE LE DELUGE Larry and Curly got wet. PORTE-KOCHERE Sacramental wine ICH LIEBE RICH I'm really crazy about having dough. FUI GENERIS What's mine is mine. VISA LA FRANCE Don't leave your chateau without it. CA VA SANS DIRT And that's not gossip. MERCI RIEN Thanks for nothin'! AMICUS PURIAE Platonic friend L'ETAT, C'EST MOO I'm bossy around here. C0GITO, ERGO SPUD I think, therefore I Yam (ok, more than one letter...) VENI, VIDU, VELCRO I came, I saw, I stayed...
Did you know that phagophobia is the fear of swallowing? (not to be confused with ‘fagaphobia’ which is the fear of swallowing other guy’s dicks!)

Did you hear the one about the exhausted union workers down at the Royal Canadian Mint? They’re threatening to strike unless they can make less money.

Men! If you get lost in the wilderness with only your daily medications, just take Viagra and an iron supplement and you will become the perfect human compass!

And now a couple of Scottish items:
A Scot by the name of Angus, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering ruefully into the hole, Angus muttered to himself, "For a quarter, Nae." Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for 50 cents, AYE!"

A Scottish Santa, on duty at the local department store, was dressed in a kilt - in 'Regimental Fashion' (no underwear). A young boy, on approaching the venerable old gent, noticed this and, when asked what he wanted for Christmas, was hesitant to say. His mother prompted him not to be shy. "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas, dear." The lad squirmed and finally blurted out "Well, Santa, if you can grant my wish, I'd be so happy." "What is it you'd like?" asked Santa. "I'd like a wee set of bagpipes just like the one I saw under your kilt!"


One Wee Scottish Farty (Ode Tae A Fart)
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie, Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie, Just as ye sit doon among yer kin There starts to stir an enormous wind. The neeps and tatties and mushy peas Start working like a gentle breeze But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place Nae matter whit the hell ye dae a'body's gonnae hae tae pay Even if ye try tae stifle it's like a bullet oot a rifle Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair Tae try tae stop the leakin' air Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek Pray tae god it disnae reek But a' the efforts go asunder Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder Ricochets arrond the room Michty me! a sonic boom God almighty it fairly reeks A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks Tae the bog a' better scurry Whit the hell, it's no ma worry A'body roon aboot me choakin' One or two are nearly boakin' I'll feel better for a while Cannae help but raise a smile It wis him! I shout and glower Alas too late, he's just keeled ower Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare I'm no that welcome any mair Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free That sounds jist the joab fir me Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party Ower the sake o' one wee farty.

A surgeon was performing an operation. He was about to finish when, surprisingly, the patient awoke, sat up and demanded to know what was going on. “I’m about to close,” said the surgeon. The patient grabbed the surgeon’s hand saying, “I’m not going to let you do that. I’ll close my own incision.” So the surgeon handed him the thread saying, “Suture self.”

A well-meaning fellow bought a piano for his wife’s birthday. A few weeks later, a friend inquired how she was doing with it. He said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked the friend. “Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing.”

I was telling a friend that whenever I’m winning an argument with my wife, she becomes historical. He said, ”Don’t you mean hysterical?” I said, “Nope. She resorts to digging up something I did wrong in the past.”

A Newfie went into the office of an insurance company and said he wanted to collect on his wife, who had just died. The insurance agent looked at the policy and said, “I’m sorry but this is not a life insurance policy, it’s fire insurance. “Well that’s OK,” said the Newfie. “I had her cremated.”

My son told me I needed to backup my hard drive. I can’t even find the reverse on this stupid computer!

Asshole (n): The most commonly employed word in American English. Frequently used by both sides in an argument, more often than not, accurately.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!

A woman in a diet club lamented that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favourite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell the other diet club members how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband did when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

An oldie goldie that sums it up rather well:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
Later that night, the son hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper so he goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son. Now tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

And while we’re talking politics, let’s look ahead to the U.S. elections and their own special( Republican) democratic way of counting votes, here are some great ideas for Bush '04 Bumper Stickers:
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.
Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
Bush/Cheney '04: Malice in Blunderland
BU__SH__!
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Don't Change Whores in Midstream
Bush/Cheney '04: Get used to it!
Bush/Cheney '04: In your heart, you know they're technically correct.
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA
Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
Bush/Cheney '04: Or else.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!
Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
Don't think. Vote Bush!
George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
George W. Bush: Leadership without a doubt
George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
God Save the King!
Let them eat yellowcake! Vote Bush!
Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude"
Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"
Vote Bush in '04: "Because I'm the President, that's why!"
Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
Who would Jesus Bomb?
With a Bush, a Dick, and a Colin everyone gets screwed
How Did Our Oil Get Under Their Sand?
Stop Mad Cowboy Disease
It Ain't Over Till Your Brother Counts The Votes
Re-defeat Bush in '04

The Prussian Army classified recruits on two axes: smart vs. stupid, and industrious vs. lazy.
Smart + lazy became commissioned officers.
Smart + industrious became non-commissioned officers.
Stupid + lazy became cannon fodder.
Stupid + industrious were taken out back and shot before they did any damage.

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.

A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music." The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays. The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music." The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay. Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music." The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like pussy?" The gay man replies, "Yeah, my sister, but she doesn't like country music."

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position a woman sleeps in says a lot about her. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make then stand up and do tricks.

There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your bollocks in, too, if you're able.'

According to a WHO report, life expectancy at birth in Canada is 79.8 years versus 77.3 in the US. According to WHO, the bad news is, they have to spend the extra 2 1/2 years living in Canada.

25 Signs That You've Grown Up:
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of Buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Wife: Dear, I see in the paper that gays and lesbians are now going to be allowed to marry legally in Toronto.
Husband: Why that’s just terrible! Haven’t those poor people suffered enough!

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK up in Toronto, but we're not having any of that shit in Tennessee!!!

Liana was a beautiful blonde girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summer’s day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girl’s bike?"

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of a penis.

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you the first time?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?(because, you idiot, you're wearing bi-focals)

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? (Love this one)

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

When my wife came into the Family Room wearing curlers in her hair, I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair." I now regret saying, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

Some "Sex-Facts" that you may not need to know!
- Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty)
- Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to ensure fertilization. (any excuse)
- In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.
- Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.
- In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your health and stimulates sexual potency.
- You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females hiss.
- Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
- The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (out with a bang)
- Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying around)
- According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live years longer if they abstained. ( tell that to Bill Clinton)
- In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.
- A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.
- If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are still active.
- The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex organs. (Banana Bobbit)
- Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (some women have met a man like this)
- The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (met one or two sperm women)
- Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like that)
- Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity.
- Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet.
- A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.
- Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.
- Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.
- Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (how do they find this out)
- A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we get the derogatory slang.
- Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they do it on porpoise)
- Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (that’s why they call it a screw)
- Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution by stealing food during sex.
- The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?)
- 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake mating session.
- The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go on drill her)
- Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their erections.
- Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.

Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women
#10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.
#9 You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home.
#8 If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so,
he'll let you try it out a few times.
#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a back-up.
#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month.
#3 A handgun doesn't ask...
'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

One of the most popular machines at my gym is a bizarre-looking contraption designed to strengthen your gluteus maximus. It might seem like a frivolous California vanity thing to you, but it's more practical than you think. For example, when your wife hogs all the bed covers, just clench the sheet with your butt muscles and hold on. She’s grunting and tugging while you appear to be sleeping peacefully, never letting on that there's a struggle going on below the surface. If you’re ever kidnapped and your hands and feet were tied, but you were smart enough to wear stretch pants, your butt, properly trained, can be a fierce fighting machine. With a little practice you can learn to disarm a knife-wielding assailant. A huge, muscular butt can also make you appear taller when you're seated. That's a big advantage at business meetings. No one will be the wiser until you stand up and butt-slap the overhead projector against the wall when you turn to leave. I started using the butt machine myself, with the ultimate goal of making it easier to hold tools for home repairs. If you have only two hands, and you're already holding a flashlight and a screwdriver, you need at least one more set of opposable cheeks to keep the pliers nearby. As a bonus, I figure it will discourage my neighbor from borrowing my tools.

There is an ancient proverb that says: "A wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

Most women don't know where look when they’re eating a banana.

If a bi-sexual turns up missing is their picture put on half & half cartons?

Michael Jackson must have tried killing himself Wednesday morning by jumping off his boat. The police found him last night bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

Two goats found a tin can full of film. One of them nuzzled it until the lid came off. The film leader loosened around the spool, and the goat ate a few frames. The second goat ate some, too. Soon they pulled all the film off the reel and consumed the whole of it. When nothing was left but the can and the spool, the first goat said, "Wasn't that great?" "Oh, I don't know," replied the second goat. "I thought the book was better."

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.......................................Giving
The greatest loss................. .......Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work.......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.......................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........... .......Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without.... . Hope
The deadliest weapon...............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................."I Can"
The greatest asset............... .......................Faith
The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm
Everyone needs this list to live by...please share it freely!

First an oldie goldie:
Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?" "NO, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now." "Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house." "Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore." "I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?" "He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause. Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 597-7039?"

And here’s one retooled for the upcoming US election:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a Democrat," said the balloonist. "I am," said replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded. "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

In a small town in Northern Ontario, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is a sixty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." "Holy mackerel!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

Society will ignore almost any form of ignorant public behavior except some asshole getting into the express line at the supermarket with two extra items.

I am NOT an exercise person – I think exercise programs and their instruments of torture should REALLY be called Dreadmill, Swearmaster, Nordic trick, and Personal Draining.

"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it."
We’re told that Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't any of those guys ever think to do their work during the daytime? A father tells his son that he should marry a girl who has the same belief as the family. The son said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a lazy schmuck?"
Job description: receptionist for a sperm bank; greet all the men who come in, act cordial, show them where to go and when they come out, say, "Thanks for coming."
Adam said to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! Integrity Is Like Oxygen The Higher You Go The Less There Is.

It's Hard To Be Nostalgic When You Can't Remember Shit.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Cruel things to say to a naked man:
Are you cold?
Ahhhh, it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
What is that?
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
If you get me real drunk first…
Can you make it dance?
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Don't worry, I always judge people on personality.
Maybe it is just the length of the hairs that makes it look that way.
Did aliens ever abduct your mother?
Well I have heard that smoking can stunt growth.

Bubba’s at Billy-Bob’s and discussing his problems with his wife when Billy-Bob's doorbell rings. Billy-Bob answers the door and is handed a paper which the deliverer says is a subpoena. Billy-Bob shows it to Bubba and asks him if he knows what it is. Bubba, who ain’t really sure but jumps in with both feet anyways, says, "Dis here is a subpeena." "Wut is a sub-peena?" Billy-Bob asks. "Well," says Bubba, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls."

Former Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selannes favorite Finnish dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie.It was a huge success and The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a
dinner worthy of ... the father, the son and the goalie host.

A Ph.D. linguist from Boston was a little down on his luck and ended up as a taxi driver at the airport. After a few weeks on the job, a Chicago businessman got into his cab and said, “Hey mister, can you take me someplace where I can get scrod? The businessman saw a strange look in the cabby’s eye and said, “Come on. I can’t believe no one has ever asked you that question before?” The cabby replied, “Sure, all the time – but never before in the pluperfect subjunctive!”

There was a young lady named Mabel
Who said, 'I don't think that I'm able;
But I'm willing to try
So where should I lie -
On the bed, on the floor or the table?'

A fellow found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." He thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied. So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle". Clerk: "Oh yes, what do you call it?" Inventor: "A fottle." Clerk: "That's a silly name, can you think of something else?" Inventor: "I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton." Clerk: "And what do you call that?" Inventor: "A farton." Clerk: "That's rude, you can't possibly use that name." Inventor: "Gee, if that’s how you feel then you're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
A couple of mates in a bar were comparing notes on their sex lives so Mike said, “I scored last night but it was the worst experience of my life." "How so?" asked Pat. Mike related, "Well that hot new barmaid Sally brought me back to her apartment after her shift ended Saturday night and we started fooling around. She got really into it and said she'd do anything I wanted. So I asked her for some oral sex, and she said no problem. Then in the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing, gagging, shaking like crazy and passed out." "Damn!" Pat asked. "What happened?" Mike responded, "Well I called 911 and the fire department came, put her in the ambulance to the emergency ward at thehospital and treated her for anaphylactic shock. "It turns out that she's allergic to nuts."
"Keiko, the killer whale from 'Free Willy', passed away recently, and the aquarium where he used to live announced they are going to hold a memorial service. In lieu of flowers, people are asked to bring wasabi and soy sauce." –Conan O'Brien
ANDY ROONEY'S VIEW OF WOMEN OVER 40 : Andy Rooney says....
"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover.
Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
An over 40 woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
An over 40 woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always know.
An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+ there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.” A friend of mine recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage, I laughingly remarked to her, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," she said, "not since I started talking about my next husband." A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to New York City's Coney Island Hospital and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too." A motorcycle cop in Milwaukee was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that everything was going to be ok. However, the guy kept feeling something pulling on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters on the tape was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A Newfie is out in the bay with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man’s oars fall overboard. He sits there stranded, floating out in the middle of the bay! After about 2 hours he sees another row boat coming with a man and two women in it. The first Newfie yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??" The other Newfie yells back "Dey ain't oars, you ignerant bastard.....dat's me Mudder and me sister.

First some belated St. Patrick’s Day humour:
How do you ruin St. Patrick's Day for an Irishman? Make him the designated driver.

Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?

How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan

Why are there so few Irish lawyers? The majority of them can't pass the bar!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be ?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..." says the Englishman. Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui...." Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...." "Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman. "Three pints of gui gui gui gui...." tries Paddy. And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th..". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live ?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch." "No. You lose." says the landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks "Where do you live Scotty ?", trying not to laugh. "E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live ?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger !" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "....- D D D D D Derry

26 Ways You Know That You Work for an Orthodox Jewish Organization:
1. You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV." 2. There is a shamos box in the copy room. 3. At least 4 people in your office are related to each other. 4. The only non-Jews around the place work in the accounting department. 5. No two employees have the exact same benefits plan. 6. Microsoft spellcheck is useless because most words in memos are only vaguely reminiscent of English. 7. No one knows the difference between "its" and "it's." 8. Every job description is at least 10 years out of date. Or lost. Preferably, both. 9. There is no Board secretary, because no one wanted the job. So board members rotate and take turns in not writing up the minutes. 10. Except for administrative and clerical staff, everyone else gets paid on the basis of how much money they need. Or say they need. Or want. 11. There are many lengthy meetings, but no decisions are ever reached. 12. Men employed for the organization all (allegedly) have smicha and are considered professional staff. Women employed by the organization are considered support staff, but actually run the organization while the men run back and forth having meetings and looking busy. 13. It is commonplace and acceptable to refer to one's workplace/employer/organization as "Chelm"! 14. Even the non-Jewish staff wish everyone a GOOD Shabbat 15. Everyone immediately checks the Holiday Calendar to see how many Jewish holidays fall on weekdays 16. One day someone is a security guard, the next day he has an office and an email is sent out welcoming the new "campaign associate." 17. You can leave your wallet out in plain sight and never have it stolen but don't even think of leaving your lunch unattended. 18. All inter-office emails end with Tizku L'Mitzvos 19. "Girl" is a term that refers to any female between the age of 2 and 65. 20. You get questions at work like, "If food has a small OU, does that make it less kosher than something with a big OU?" 21. Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM. 22. What's a Holiday Bonus?!? 23. All office events are catered by the same kosher restaurant over and over again, until you never want to eat their food, smell their food or think about their food again. 24. You work with the vying champions of the "how many phone numbers can you fit on one post-it note" contest. 25. No two pieces of office furniture match. 26. Women who take maternity leave never come back

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important email in 2003 and included me in your quest to inform!Thanks to all of you:- I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.- I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.- I smell like shit, but thank god I stopped using deodorant because they cause cancer.- I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear thatsomeone might drug me with a perfume sample and then and try to rob me.- I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone billfrom hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.- I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.- I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks withno eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.- I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.- When I go to parties, I now don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take mykidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.- I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older ...- I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.It's weird, though that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you today at 7:00 pm.

Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No,actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress. - Jay Leno
Former California governor Gray Davis has made a guest appearance on the CBS sitcom, 'Yes, Dear'. Must be nerve- wracking for him. Knowing that at any minute if he messes up he can replaced by an actor... again. -Jay Leno For those of us over 50 trying to conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world, please keep in mind that despite what you may have seenon the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:1. A nose ring and bifocals2. Spiked hair and bald spots3. A pierced tongue and dentures4. Miniskirts and support hose5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads6. Speedo's and cellulite7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge10. Bikinis and liver spots11. Short shorts and varicose veins12. In-line skates and a walkerPlease keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

A scene at City Hall in San Francisco (or maybe even Toronto) "Next." "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went to ask why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangemans parade, and Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but I can’t believe you’re now tellin’ me that a man has to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!!!"
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards!
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Worry is interest paid on problems that may never arrive.

Those who hear not the music of life think the dancers are mad.

Some signs you may not have seen:
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

We already did this Jewish, so here’s the Christian version:
How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
And while we’re at it;How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two but don't ask me how they got there.

Daimler-Chrysler will market a giant S.U.V. called Unimog in the United States. The Unimog is over nine feet high and twenty feet long. The $84,000 truck will most likely be bought by fire departments, construction companies, and men with very tiny penises.
Some telltale signs that Rodentville chief Michael Eisner's days are numbered:1. PETA has accused him of allowing mistreatment of crustaceans during the production of "Finding Nemo."2. Maitre d' at Ma Maison has begun addressing him as "Dude."3. His studio leased Mercedes limo has been replaced by a refurbished Love Bug.4. Snow White, Tinkerbell and Minnie Mouse have hired Gloria Allred, alleging sex discrimination.5. Has received hate e-mail messages from Annette Funicello.

Bad Pick-Up Lines:
- Baby, you’re so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
- I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
- Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
- My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
- So do ya wanna see something really swell?
- Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
- You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Times have definitely changed. These days your kid can get kicked out of parochial school for swearing or using words you hear everyday on TV and get kicked out of public school for praying!

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady called the cops and when the officer arrived he promptly gave me a ticket for retailing pussy in a residential area.

In a recent interview, Uma Thurman says that when she wants to lose weight, she keeps her food intake down by eating in the nude. Yesterday I thought I would give this ploy a try, but unfortunately I was kicked out of Tim Hortons.
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that?" the host asked. Her reply: "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can!"
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earth-quake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen asked him if he had felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us." The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?" "Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life right as that earthquake was happening." "Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?" Morris said, "Nothing, but I’ll tell you it damn near woke her up!" The new husband had booked sleeping arrangements on the train, thinking he was going to have a roomette or compartment, only to find out he was on one side of the sleeping car in an upper bunk and his wife was in the other one across from him. About 12 o'clock he started feeling amorous so he said to his wife, "Hey honey, why don't you come over here?" His wife replied right back, "Well honey, how will I get over there?" "Don't worry,” he said with more than a little braggadocio, “I got something you can walk on." In answer to that, a fellow in the lower berth said, "Yeah, but how in Hell is she going to get back?"
An oldie goldie you shouldn’t miss: Kosher Millionaire: You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire - You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you, as follows: 1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion. 3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not. Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion. Lets play: For $100 - Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry? A. Oy Veys Mir For $200 - Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner? A. All right, everybody get in the car. For $500 - Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? A. Netanyahoo. For $1,000 - Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A. Oil of Oy Vey. For $2,000 - Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? A. Debbila Does Windows For $4,000 - Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary? A. "The Plaintiff." For $8,000 - Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail." For $16,000 - Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? A. When it graduates from medical school. For $32,000 - Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful? A. Nothing. For $64,000 - Q. Define "Genius." A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother. For $125,000 - Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm? A. She puts down her nail file. For $250,000 - Q. When should a Moyel retire? A. When he can't cut it anymore. For $500,000 - Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? A. A fur coat. For $1,000,000 - Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother? A. The accent.
NEW YORK - In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to allow same-sects marriages. The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Saatmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch. "Of course we want same-sects marriages," said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head of the Belz movement. "A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes perfect sense." The other rabbis agreed. "If a Saatmar weds a Bobover, woe to their offspring," proclaimed Rabbi Praymita Gartel of Saatmar. "What would their children be-Saatovers?? That's totally unheard of." The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups through intersect marriages.
"The Tanya warns us," said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch. "If a Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage. His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a Vitch."
At a separate news conference, Chasidic women expressed similar concerns. "It's less confusing when our kindt marry their own kind," said Rebbetzin Donna Kittel, founder of a Pupa women's group, The Mamas and the Pupas. To prevent intersect marriages, Belz rebbetzin Gitta Kapotah announced the formation of a new community matchmaking service, Wedding Belz. "We must protect our Belz," she said. "They're our family jewels." Contacted by Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee, N.J., Rebbetzin Emily Littella of Bobov asked: "What's all this I hear about same-sox marriage?"

A very wealthy English Jew who had done many charitable works was to be honoured by the Queen with a knighthood. He confided in a friend that he thought he would turn down the honour because it would require him to kneel before an earthly sovereign and say something in Latin which was against his beliefs. His friend urged him to take the honour anyway, not to kneel and just say something in Hebrew and no one would know the difference. At the ceremony he waited his turn while several of the other honourees went before the queen and finally they called his name. He stood before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then the other, and motioned for him to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh." The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"

Steve Martin/The New Yorker - Studio Script Notes on "The Passion". Dear Mel, We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great. You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? The creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: Spectator one: "Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself?" Spectator two: "He can only use his powers to help others, never himself." Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud. Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit: Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5:14pm." Love the repetition of "is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look into camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot. Also could he change water into wine in last supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it's legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene. Love the flaying. Could the Rabbis be Hispanic? There's lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there's some justification for it. Is there somewhere where Jesus could be using an IMac? You know, now that I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? (Reminder: heaven is timeless) The studiois very high on Johnny Depp right now. Just saw him in "Pirates." He was hilarious. Might be right for Jesus? Not so straightforward. He could bring a lot of pizzazz to the role. I think a meeting would be warranted. Love the idea of Monica Belluci as Mary Magdalene (Yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger. LoveJudas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he's a little "conflicted." Couldn't he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, 30 pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it's very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with. Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy." Merchandising issue: it seems the cross image has been done to death and we can't own it. Could the crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there's a shape we can copyright, like an ellipse? I'm assuming "the dialogue is in Aramaic," is a typo for "American." If not call me on my cell or I'm at home all weekend. By the way, I'm sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of the release date. Would love to invite your dad!

Spielberg's Answer to Gibson's Passion: "I'm filming The Crusades " Hollywood Mega-hit Producer and Director Steven Spielberg has decided to fight fire with fire. He’s announced that since Mel Gibson is fueling the fires of anti-semitism in the world with his movie about the last hours of Christ, Spielberg will make a graphic movie about the Crusades. In order to get Jews and Moslems to convert to Christianity, Spielberg commented, Christians went through Europe and into the Middle East forcing conversions on non-believers. Along the way they raped, beat, bludgeoned, maimed, tortured and killed hundreds of thousands of innocent men, women and children. I will show Christian brutality in a realistic and most graphic and gory way. Spielberg went on to add that the movie will have a well-deserved anti-Christian tone. Let’s face it, Gibson wants to blame the Jews for the death of one person we didn't even kill. I will show the inhuman brutality of thousands of Christians against hundreds of thousands of people of other faiths, about which historically there is no ambiguity as to who is to blame. Spielberg said that if this movie is successful, he is likely to follow it up with ‘The Spanish Inquisition’, a historical film on the torture and murder of the Jews of Spain by the Catholic Church. To complete the trilogy, Spielberg announced, in 2006 I will be filming "Hitler and the Pope: A Team Formed in Hell". That should generate some heated debate.

"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."- Mark Twain

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Unless You're The Lead Dog The Scenery Never Changes.

Did you know that Al Pacino has two brothers? Their names are Cap and Frap

The search engine Google got its name from the word "googol," which refers to the number one with a hundred zeros after it.

The elements hydrogen and helium together comprise almost 98 percent of all matter in the Universe! (and at least half of the remaining two per cent can be attributed to sulphur from bean-eating men!)

A three year old boy is holding on to his testicles and asks his Mother...."Mommy, are these my brains?" "Not yet dear"

Mike the Newfie won some money in the lottery and decided to buy his wife a new car for her birthday. They shopped and shopped until Meg found one she liked. But before signing the papers, she looked around the car one more time, suddenly bristled and walked away, saying she didn't want the car. She wouldn't even talk about it. On the way home Mike said, "Meg, I tot you really liked dat car. What changed yer mind about it?” "Mike, I jest don't want any car with ‘XL’ on it," Meg answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on me underwear."

IQ Test - There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." If you got this wrong, go dig a hole and hide.

Metric Conversions:
Megaphone: 1 million microphonesTo Kill a Mockingbird: 2000 mockingbirdsDecacards: 52 cardsMicrofiche: tiny fishPound Cake: 453.6 graham crackersTerrapin: 1 trillion pinsC-ration: 100 rationsDecoration: 10 rationsCentipede: 10 millipedesDecadent: 3 1/3 tridentsDiagram: 2 monogramsParadigms: 2 nickelsParadox: 2 wharves

Contrary to popular belief:
A Vagina Is Not A Medical Term For A Heart Attack.
A Clitoris Is Not A Female Turtle.
A Menstrual Cycle Is Not Something With Three Wheels.
And, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write. Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right. Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Right?
More AUSSIE SLANG TERMS
ETCH-A-SKETCH - Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON - Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES - Liberate the residents of your Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE - Unnecessarily, time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT - The sound made when driving through traffic at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND - A very short skirt; only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT - A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man, of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff, at fast-food restaurants, often wears to show their level of training.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MUMBLER - An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.

Toronto Stock Exchange broker to client: “If you put one hundred thousand dollars in a certificate of deposit at the bank next door, you get either a toaster or an offshore drilling rig.” ”But hurry. The toasters are going fast.”

Unfortunately, most men would respect a woman’s mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

YOU GOT THE WRONG CLOWN FOR YOUR KIDS PARTY IF:
Wears a T-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!
Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."
More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!
By the end of the party, he's got every darn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen King."
Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

IrReSPONSiBILiTiEs is the longest word that can be spelt entirely using chemical symbols without reusing any element...Ir - iridiumRe - rheniumS - sulphurP - phosphorusO - oxygenN - nitrogenSi - siliconBi - bismuthLi - lithiumTi - titaniumEs – einsteinium

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the Church fills first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of Youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.” "But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!” "I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell’, can't stay on the Church roof!”

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and second place!"

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. The following MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Turn the radio down. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way up. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check make up in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check make-up. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate look to irate male driver queuing behind. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 26. Release Parking Brake.
An interesting turn of fate: At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President DR Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story. On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," DR Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B". When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Exam question for a university physics class: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."One student’s answer: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up, the student replied as follows:"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.""Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.""But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).""Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.""If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.""But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."The student was Niels Bohr - the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee. And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan. It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic. Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy today; there was not much that could be done about his condition. So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time. And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him. For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court. And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself. Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wrath. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about five years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

I’ve always felt that the only way to go through life is to always look for the positive in every situation, no matter how bad, and am constantly reminding myself to do so. The other day I realized just how much this philosophy has become ingrained as I was sifting out the clumps in our cat’s litter box. When it was clean, I leveled out the litter and then found myself making patterns as if it were a Zen garden! Come to think of it, the cat does seem to be much more serene in the last few days!
IT'S PESACH ON THE RANGEAND EVERYTHING'S FINETHE COWBOY EATS SPONGE CAKEWITH MOGEN DAVID WINE
HAS BRISKET IN SADDLE BAGSFOR 8 DAYS ON THE PLAINAND A JAR OF GEFILTE FISHWITH VERY HOT CHRAIN
AND NIGHTS 'ROUND THE CAMPFIRETHERE'S NOTHING TO COMPARETO THE SMELL OF FRIED MATZOTHAT FILLS THE PRAIRIE AIR...
NOTHING'S MORE SPECIALTHAN PASSOVER OUT WESTBUT NO MATTER WHERE YOU AREMAY YOUR SEDER BE THE BEST! And the Eastern re-do…IT'S PESACH WAY OUT EAST AND THE WHITE FISH ARE ON THE LINETHE FISHERMEN EAT MACAROONSWITH MOGEN DAVID WINE CAUGHT SMOKED FISH GATHER IN THE NETFOR 8 DAYS AT SEA YOU BETGOT ENOUGH OF CATCH FOR A JAR OF GEFILTE FISHWITH VERY HOT, MRS. WHYTES HORESRADISH FOR NIGHTS DOWN IN THE LOWER DECKTHERE'S NOTHING TO COMPARETO THE SMELL OF FRIED MATZOTHAT FILLS THE SEA SALT AIR... NOTHING'S MORE SPECIALTHAN PASSOVER OUT AT SEABUT NO MATTER WHERE YOU BENEXT YEAR IN ISRAEL ON THE SEA OF GALLILEE! Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
- Under same management for over 5763 years
- Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this shabbat
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Come early for a good seat.
- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
Jewish Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- Come on Baby Light my Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

In a recent survey, 18% of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month.17% offered to give more information to the survey taker ..over dinner and a few drinks.

You Know You're A Redneck When... Classic Edition 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 5. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. 7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. 9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 11. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. 15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. 18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. 21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. 22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 24. You have a rag for a gas cap. 25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. 26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 28. You can spit with out opening your mouth. 29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. 32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 35. You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. 36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $10,000 worth of improvement. 40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" 42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I had the worlds largest margarita, I woke this morning to find the toiletseat covered with margarita salt, Then I thought to myself, Whewwwwwwwww I'm sure glad I didn't go after that goddam worm at the bottom!

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose manners were quite inferior.
He did to a nun
What he should not have done.
And now she's a mother superior.

Male sex facts:Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoonsAverage number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallonsAverage amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallonsAverage speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hourAverage speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hourAverage # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inchesAverage length when erect: 5.1Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inchLargest natural penis recorded: 11 inchesPercent of men who say they masturbate: 60%Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 minutes to 2weeksAverage # of erections per day for a man: 11Average # of erections during the night: 9Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inchesTime it takes the sperm to travel the distance: 2.5 secondsOdors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie

Female sex facts:
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year, while 60% of female non-smokers had none.Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) duringovulation.Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who livewith both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.Atheists, non-Christians and Jews tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year thanwomen with no criminal record.Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for a 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard. Happy hunting!

Most women believe that because only women get cellulite that it's quite obvious that God must be a male.

An Oldie Goldie - Only in Canada, you say? A Newfie Ghost Story! This happened in a little town in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true. This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm; and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk! About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, me son, there's the asshole who got into the car while we were pushing it!"

Fred Astaire’s sage advice regarding routines: 'Work it 'til it's perfect, then cut two minutes.'

Barbie® and Ken® Dolls are named after Mattel founders Ruth and Elliot Handler's son and daughter, Barbara and Ken. Barbie's® full name is Barbie Millicent Roberts, and she is from Willows, Wisconsin. First sold in 1959, Barbie® wasn't given bendable legs until 1965.

"A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted.” - Martha Stewart

After 30 years of marriage I’ve finally figured out how to get in the last word when we have an argument. I say, 'I'm sorry'.
Bowing to intense pressure from Mel Gibson's father, Jews announced today that they would no longer control the world. In a press release, Jews stated, "Although we have thoroughly enjoyed the challenges of world domination for the last 3,000 years, we feel it's time for gentiles to take control of their own affairs. We plan to spend more time with our families and pursue other interests."
Hutton Gibson stated he was pleased with the announcement, but expressed concern he was losing a scapegoat for all of his problems. He said he would be launching a search for a new minority group to demonize.
Many Jews expressed relief that they could give up burdensome responsibilities. Retired accountant Jerry Friedman, who controls all media in Montana, said, "I would just as well let the citizens of Montana manage their own TV and newspapers. "Don't get me wrong, Montana is a fine state, but it gets awfully cold, and there's nowhere to get a good bagel."
Attorney Allen Franks said he's glad he no longer has to manage Bulgarian monetary policy. "It was getting to be quite a hassle," he said. "I already have a full time job and can't even balance my own checkbook, let alone control the finances of an entire nation."
Homemaker Judith Levine said she would "...miss the hustle and bustle of setting the international price for magnesium every day. But my son is about to be Bar Mitzvah'd, and oy! Such a party we're gonna have you wouldn't believe!"
Hollywood producer Sidney Greenbaum was pessimistic about the announcement. "Do you really think goyim know how to make movies?" he asked. "They'll all end up being high budget, technicolor snuff flicks if you leave things up to Mel and his kind."
Comedy experts expressed concern that the business would suffer if Jews suddenly withdrew. According to one insider, "Take away all the Jewish comics and writers, and all you have left is Carrot Top. That's not a world I want to live in."
HOW TO BATHE A CAT1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, he is actually enjoying this.)4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean as well!Sincerely, The Dog A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
Last night a fellow at the Lucky Clover Pub was talking to his buddy and said, "I gotta stop drinking Irish whiskey!" "How come?" asked his friend. "Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a bottle of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church," said the fellow. "What's wrong with that?" asked the friend. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home, do the wife, and go to mass on Sunday." "I know," said the fellow, "but I'm Jewish."

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish" The other signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish" This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow" Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin" Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point
to himself and say: "Jimmy" Replied the other: "Paddy" A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again
and rasp out weakly: "Cancer." Paddy responded: "Sagittarius."

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, sex and money. So agree on the price before you start.

Man, they are so strict at my new job. It's constantly: "No personal calls", "Don't surf the Web", "Put your pants back on." I mean, who can work in an environment like that?
Mark noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore on the way home. "What size?" asked the sexy blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly. When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size, the blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many do you want?" Mark bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Mark eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl. So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many would you like?" But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None thanks," he told her zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."

Bruce was standing at a urinal in a bar bathroom when this enormous guys walks in, unzips his pants and exposes the biggest dick in the world, two feet long, four inches thick and violently red and angry. The monster looks at Bruce, grabs his huge dick with both hands, like holding a baseball bat, and gives it an almighty swing, smashing the porcelain sink to pieces! He growls and leers at the now frightened Bruce, looks around and with another almighty swing, smashes the condom vending machine right off the wall! After another hideous growl he slams his huge dick against the side of the urinal several times, bending the stainless steel into contorted shapes! All of a sudden he stops, looks Bruce straight in the eye and shouts, "The next place this porcelain smashing, vender bending, urinal destroyer is going... is up your ass buddy!" With that, Bruce lets out a sigh of relief and says, "Thank goodness to Betsy big boy - for a minute there I thought you were going to HIT me with it."

It's only called a blow "job" so feminists can attach a sort of quasi-work ethic to it without admitting they're really just a bunch of cocksuckers.

For guys who have a good imagination. Try this: Pretend there are two dice on your computer keyboard. Got the picture? Good. Now, pick up one of them and imagine you see the spots. What number is it? Did the number remind you of your first sexual experience? No, probably not. Now put down that die and pick up the other one and look at the spots. How many do you see? What's the number? Did THAT make you think of your first sexual experience? I suppose it didn't.
Now pick up both the dice and shake them in your hand. Are you shaking them? Good. I bet THAT reminds you of your first sexual experience!

In light of the Madrid bombing, France has raided their terror alert level from "Run" TO "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".
PROBLEM: Two videos are for sale. Which to buy? The "Titanic" video or the "Bill Clinton" video? TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewellery CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, let's not go there, either TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same thing
Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix: The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The
policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

You know you live in a small town when...
1. It has an aquarium -- stocked with a live minnows
2. The town newspaper is published monthly
3. The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.
4. It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.
5. The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and vanilla.
6. There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit
7. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main street.
8. There's no bank...as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave.
9. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down Main Street on his combine.
10. The local phone book has a yellow page.
11. Third Street is on the edge of town
12 The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.
13. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.
14. The New Year's baby was born in October.
15. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction
16. There's no place to go that you shouldn't
17. "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes 18. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd. Dear Tide, I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach. And to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed, A relieved menopausal wife
Seasonally appropriate oldie goldie:
One evening an inventor was strolling across a bridge and he saw a man standing on the railing getting ready to jump. The inventor grabbed the man’s arm and tried to persuade him not to jump. He asked what on earth could be so bad that he would want to end his life. The fellow replied that he was a rocket scientist with an IQ of 394 and he was very lonely. His closest friends were fellow MENSA members but even their IQs were all under 300 and he just felt there was really no one in the entire world he could relate to as an equal. Out of desperation he had decided to end his life. The inventor said he must have been sent by divine intervention because, believe it or not, he was just now working on an invention that could change peoples IQs. He begged the man to get down off the bridge and come back to his laboratory. Back at the lab, he showed the scientist an insulated dome chamber with wires and transformers and resistors all wired up to this big gauge with numbers on it. He explained that all the scientist had to do was sit in the big chair in the chamber, put on the hypo-helix helmet and he would set the gauge to start a countdown from 394 and as soon as the gauge showed the target IQ, he would shut off the machine and voila! -the scientist would have his new IQ and live happily ever after. The scientist was worried that something may go wrong but the inventor convinced him that he could always go back to the bridge with no hurt no foul. The scientist agreed and decided he’d like a target IQ of 144, as he would still be able to relate to his MENSA buddies, but he would also be able to communicate with almost anyone and yet it would be high enough to preclude his running for office. So he got in the chair, put on the helmet, and said let’s get on with it! The inventor shut the door to the chamber set the gauge at 394 and started the countdown. The gauge started slowly … 394 … 393 … 390 … 385 … 380 … and continued on down. The scientist was absolutely delighted to have the opportunity to have a human subject since to date he had only tried this on his house pets. He started dancing around the room already envisioning the newspaper headlines with his picture on the front page. In fact, he was so caught up in his reverie, he didn’t even notice that the machine had picked up speed and the gauge had already passed the 144 target IQ. When he finally came back to his senses, he looked at the gauge and was horrified to see it falling rapidly … 125 …120 …110 …100. He rushed over to turn off the power just as the gauge hit 75. He was furious with himself and was almost afraid to open the chamber door. After all, he’d taken the most brilliant mind in the world and all because of a little vanity, had let it descend to the IQ of a ripe pumpkin. He couldn’t imagine what he was going to find left of that great mind when he opened the door. With great trepidation he opened the door just a crack and there, standing on the chair, was the scientist chanting, ‘GO LEAFS GO!”
THE FINE PRINTThe above jokes are being forwarded with the sender's genuine belief that it may appeal to the recipient's funny bone. There is always the possibility that jokes like this may be considered not funny, may have been received previously, or may be considered offensive by some individuals. If you do not wish to accept these risks, or for any reason you wish to be removed from the recipient list, please click Reply and type UNSUBSCRIBE in the Subject line. This will in no way alter our relationship or prevent us from communicating on more serious matters. And, on rare occasions a joke may be sent back to the original sender, unintentionally.
Scientists at a convention were comparing notes on what sort of foods and activities were good to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. One fellow said broccoli was good and another suggested cauliflower. Other researchers came up with regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. Another scientist put forth that kissing should also be on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! Another fellow said that’s preposterous - there isn't any calcium in a kiss! The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
My husband came home from the doctor's the other day and told me the doctor said he couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know how he found out!

Have you seen the recent commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the
house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home.
Don't you think that most women watching that commercial say, "The hell with the sex. Where can I get a pill to make my
husband to do all of that?"

President Clinton's problems were mounting!

A Japanese motorboat racer had a sex change and will now be competing as a male instead of as a female. Or as they say in the business, switching from an inboard to an outboard.

What do they serve at a donkey roast? A piece of ass.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
- North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
- 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
- Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. Finally reducing the Democrats 100% tax on everything.
- Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine. A Hollywood actress was asked why she had fired her longtime cook. "Well," the actress sighed, "She was a great cook, but she committed the ultimate Hollywood sin of telling everyone that she had been serving me for forty years already." What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? They both have the same middle name. A policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name and where she was from. She said, "I'm Mrs. Gladiolas Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, ....."Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again." Morris goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curiousas to who might show up. When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweet-heart. They sit down and talk about the past. "How have you been?" he asks. "I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though." "Bad news first, Marilyn." "Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy." "Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that." "But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!" Researchers studying current obesity patterns say that by the year 2030, 100% of the population will be overweight.The good news is, if you are fat already, you're ahead of your time. A man and woman were nude in bed together at a roadside motel. The man was reading a local newspaper with the headline, "Court rules same-sex couples can marry." and commented, "It will make an absolute mockery of traditional marriage!" The woman responded, "That's just what my husband says." Wacky Signs:On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.On a movie theater: Childrens matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.In the parking lot at the Planned Parenthood office: Be careful pulling out Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation - kinda like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

How can a girl tell when her date suffers from premature ejaculation? When he comes walking in the door.

Money can't buy love, but it can put you in one helluv’an excellent bargaining position.

Michael confides to his friend that the sexy pharmacist at the drugstore is stuck up. I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something.
How can you tell when a blonde has sent you a fax? There's a stamp on it.

Why do blondes wear long hair? To hide the air valve.

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? About 2 cans of hair spray

What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? Pick them up off the floor.
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:God is like...BAYER ASPIRIN. He works miracles.God is like...a FORD. He's got a better idea.God is like...COKE. He's the real thing.God is like...HALLMARK CARDS. He cares enough to send His very best.God is like...TIDE. He gets the stains out that others leave behind.God is like...GENERAL ELECTRIC. He brings good things to life.God is like...SEARS. He has everything.God is like…ALKA-SELTZER. Try him, you'll like Him.God is like...SCOTCH TAPE. You can't see him, but you know He's there.God is like...DELTA. He's ready when you are.God is like...ALLSTATE. You're in good hands with Him.God is like...VO-5 Hair Spray. He holds through all kinds of weather.God is like...DIAL SOAP. Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?God is like...the U.S. POST OFFICE. Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from Hisappointed destination. THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO GO - BOOK ME IN NOW!" I finally have a retirement plan!!!! Long Term CareNo nursing home for me. I am checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide aswimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into a decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. T.V. broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to ‘http://by1fd.bay1.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/compose?mailto=1&msg=MSG1082459552.23&start=7918596&len=4207&src=&type=x&to=to%3ame%40Holiday%2eInn&cc=&bcc=&subject=&body=&curmbox=F000000001&a=581df8f547e172e6a625070585cd6431’

And it came to pass that, in the great market in ancient Rome, Marcus Brutus Lapidus the tailor, made togas for a living and he would sell them at his stall in the market. As was his wont, he shouted out his wares for sale: "Togas! Finest togas!" But, alas, business was not good until his friend, Lipskar, the wool merchant, suggested that, as the weather was rather cold, he should line the garments with a fine quality wool lining which Lipskar would provide. And thus Marcus Brutus Lapidus started using the finest quality cashmere to line his togas, and from then on he could be heard plying his trade in the market, shouting to each passer-by, "Cashmere in togas!"
Three guys go through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: “What is 8 times 5?” The first patient says, "139." The second one says, "Wednesday." The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40." The doctor is delighted. He gives the third guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly. "It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139." An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but especially when I wear high heels." After experiencing chest pains, Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Center. When asked how Cheney's angina would affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters, "Boys don't have anginas!"

Is there a word that contains all the vowels? Unquestionably.

My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You know, golf ... that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?" "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off." "What's tee off?" "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere." "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee." Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure" "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course," I told him. "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?" "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to." "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?" "No, I am the old fashioned type." "Do you know how to hold your club?" Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands..." Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..." No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about. He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers". He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..." I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" "That's where the hole is." "Sure you're not color blind?" "Then you take your putter in your hands" "What's a putter?" "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I got, a putter." "And with it, you put your ball into the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter." "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. "Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17." Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?" "The flag will go up!" Uh, huh...

Apparently the Italian government is thinking about hanging a clock from the leaning tower of Pisa. I guess they figure what good is the inclination if you haven't got the time?"

When her husband missed the plane because of an unexpected business call, Anne went on ahead to Hawaii. Waiting impatiently at the hotel, she finally sent him a telegram: “Having a Wonderful Wish. Time You Were Here.”
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge. "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a manwith a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute. "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...
Oh, the air did turn green
When a fart came from the queen!
The court sat aghast
At the royal blast,
But stood and sang "God save the queen!"

And now for a few Stephen Wrightisms:
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Phone number trick - Grab a calculator - you won't be able to do this one in your head.1. Key in the first three digits of your 7-digit phone number (NOT the area code); 2. Multiply by 80; 3. Add 1; 4. Multiply by 250; 5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number; 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again; 7. Subtract 250; 8. Divide number by 2.What you have is your phone number!

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?" The sad fellow said, "Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars." "I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?" ”Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear." ”Well, you can't be disappointed with that!" "Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars." ”Incredible... so how come you look so glum?" ”Well, this week - nothing!"

The executive was making a presentation to the company board. “Computers have allowed us to cut costs,” he explained. “We expect even more dramatic improvements as computers become increasingly self-sufficient.” He unveiled a large chart showing a man, a dog, and a computer. “Here is our organization plan of the future.” “What kind of plan is that?” demanded a board member. “It’s simple,” replied the exec. “The man’s job is to feed the dog. The dog’s job is to bite the man if he touches the computer.”

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "it might be better to hold up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Then there was the pundit who explained the ups and downs of the economy as the result of having elected too many yo-yos.

If Operating Systems ran the airlines….
UNIX Airways - Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS - Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines - All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and
everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air - The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air - Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Windows XP Air - Just like Windows and Windows NT Air, but costs even more, and uses even bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Also, you have to give a sample of your DNA and forfeit
your right to privacy or credit history before boarding.
Linux Air - Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, and the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.' "
McDuff was traveling by train from Edingburgh, Scotland, southward towards London. The Scotsman was seated next to a stern-faced clergyman, when he pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket. At that, the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!" "Dinna worry, Minister," smiled McDuff, pouring himself a dram and putting the cork back in real quick, "There's no risk of you starting now!" A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here. The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I'm sorry, I just can't take that chance."

And now a couple from the women’s corner:
Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked!

And remember ... Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

W A R N I N G ! ! !
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one is NOT. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few of my closest friends. You too may have been a victim ... read on.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night........Warn your friends!!!!!!!

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." It caused me to look around to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of Black Label. You have no idea how peaceful I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace. Have a marvelous day.

An hour for coffee I waited
I sat there with breath that was baited
The waitress passed through
I asked for some brew
The bitch brought me decaffeinated. "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW--What a Ride!!!"