"Is anybody really that surprised that Hillary Clinton is running for president? I'm not surprised. I mean, if you were married to Bill Clinton .... wouldn't you want to be able to tap his phone, read his mail, and torture him?" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton has decided to run for president. She threw her hat in the ring. And then Bill threw his ring in the drawer." --Jay Leno
"I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans -- the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls." --Jay Leno
"President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named 'Checkers.' Bush plays checkers with his dog" --David Letterman
"The Academy Award nominations were announced earlier today. ... Al Gore's movie received two nominations, and out of habit, Al demanded a recount." --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president ... if you don't count James Buchanan." --David Letterman
"In a series of TV interviews this morning, Hillary said her favorite movie as a little girl was 'Wizard of Oz.' Her favorite movie in college was 'Casablanca.' And then after she got married, her favorite movie was 'Kill Bill.'" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States. Hillary says she plans to run as a mother, which has some Democrats concerned that they will be perceived as the 'Mommy Party.' As opposed to last time when Bill was president, when they were perceived as the 'Who's Your Daddy Party.'" --Jay Leno
What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux pair.
I attended a party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied "Carmen." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." Then she asked, "What's your name?" I said, "Golftits."
Dear Husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me that you love me anymore; you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.Your EX-Wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry away from what you've been. I watch sports so much trying to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.Rich As Hell and Free!Your Ex-Husband
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this........But Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Some Kiwi humour:
- So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
- I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today – it was marked “Best before end”
- So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said, “No, just a watch!”
- I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, Where is he?”
- So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.”
- I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
- So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
- I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
- I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
- My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.”
- So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
- So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster!
- So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job.”
- So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.”
- So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest.”
- So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
- I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny - you couldn't swing a cat in there.
- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
- I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Leonard DeCaprio.”
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
- So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.”
- Menthol cigarettes, now you know where the middle of the polo mint goes.
Updated Oldie Goldie
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,"Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep." "Now give me back my dog."
Ethnic Differences
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honour, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is being prepared for her. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary, if this were possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting. The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask questions. "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of G~d, you--a simple woman, I know--but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when the Lord Jesus was born?" With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday Funnies January 26 07
I just wanted to acknowledge the passing of my mother, Kass Whitefield, last Sunday. She was a brave and impassioned lady who inspired me to do many things. As a child she encouraged me to write and was my able editor when school tasks called. She encouraged me to study literature and language and taught me to be careful with my words, choosing them wisely for nuance and effect. She didn't even mind that I didn't end up working in that field. She has always been the number one fan of the Friday Funnies and sometime contributor, even though she might not always approve of the naughty bits. As my sister and I are receiving condolence e-mails from all over the world we realise that her lifetime example of community work both here and abroad and her genuine interest and concern for people was an inspiration to many. She made a difference in the world. She will be greatly missed. We love you Kass.
Quotes from Irish high school exams:
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother Patrick. But unlike Patrick, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no-one had ever seen before.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing
She was as easy as the Independent crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
On The Importance Of Correct Punctuation
Version I
Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Version II
Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria
"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler
"In an interview with this month's Details Magazine, John Kerry says that he loves cookies so much that he thinks he is the illegitimate son of Cookie Monster. Really? Looks more like the illegitimate son of Herman Munster." --Jay Leno
"Muslim American groups are angry over the way Muslims are portrayed on the new season of the Fox drama '24.' A spokesman for Fox said, 'If Muslims are upset about that, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
The State Of The Union Drinking Game, 2007
From the official State of the Union Drinking Game...Every time Bush says:
"nukular" – 1 drink"
Bring it on" = Arm-wrestle the person next to you; loser drinks
"Detainees" = 1 drink, with your hands behind your back
"illegal immigration" = 1 shot of cerveza/tequila
"sectarian violence" = 1 Car Bomb (formerly a Zombie)
“Mark Foley” = one shot of 16 year-old Scotch
"macaca" = Invite George Allen for a drink - he doesn't have anything better to do
Every time Bush...
praises a Democrat by name = 1 drink....
if that Democrat is not Joe Lieberman = 3 drinks
Every time the camera shows...a close-up on Nancy Pelosi = 1 shot, taken without moving any facial muscles
George Carlin's new rules for 2007
New Rule:Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule:Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule:Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a -hole . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a -hole .
New Rule:I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." Frank retorted. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago!"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex , anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, airport limo drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps. and motel 6 managers. This is not good. It's getting ugly folks!
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Polocks objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours " Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, " Any idea where we are?" Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Quotes from Irish high school exams:
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother Patrick. But unlike Patrick, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no-one had ever seen before.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing
She was as easy as the Independent crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
On The Importance Of Correct Punctuation
Version I
Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Version II
Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria
"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler
"In an interview with this month's Details Magazine, John Kerry says that he loves cookies so much that he thinks he is the illegitimate son of Cookie Monster. Really? Looks more like the illegitimate son of Herman Munster." --Jay Leno
"Muslim American groups are angry over the way Muslims are portrayed on the new season of the Fox drama '24.' A spokesman for Fox said, 'If Muslims are upset about that, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
The State Of The Union Drinking Game, 2007
From the official State of the Union Drinking Game...Every time Bush says:
"nukular" – 1 drink"
Bring it on" = Arm-wrestle the person next to you; loser drinks
"Detainees" = 1 drink, with your hands behind your back
"illegal immigration" = 1 shot of cerveza/tequila
"sectarian violence" = 1 Car Bomb (formerly a Zombie)
“Mark Foley” = one shot of 16 year-old Scotch
"macaca" = Invite George Allen for a drink - he doesn't have anything better to do
Every time Bush...
praises a Democrat by name = 1 drink....
if that Democrat is not Joe Lieberman = 3 drinks
Every time the camera shows...a close-up on Nancy Pelosi = 1 shot, taken without moving any facial muscles
George Carlin's new rules for 2007
New Rule:Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule:Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule:Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a -hole . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a -hole .
New Rule:I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." Frank retorted. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago!"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex , anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, airport limo drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps. and motel 6 managers. This is not good. It's getting ugly folks!
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Polocks objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours " Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, " Any idea where we are?" Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Friday Funnies January 19 07
"President Bush announced he's creating 20,000 new jobs. They're all in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno
"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's new plan is called 'The Way Forward.' Don't confuse that with the previous president, Bill Clinton. He had a similar policy. His was called 'Way Too Forward.'" --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while falling down a hill in Idaho and breaking his leg." --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech yesterday. In his speech, he said he wanted to spend billions of dollars rebuilding California's infrastructure. Apparently, everybody thought it was a great speech except for that forty-five minute part where Arnold tried to say infrastructure." --Conan O'Brien
"This week, a new swimsuit for Muslim women was introduced called the 'burqini,' which is a stylish water safe burka meant for swimming. The manufacturer says it's perfect for the Muslim woman who loves to swim, but hates being stoned to death." --Conan O'Brien
Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran." --David Letterman
I heard someone say it would be great if Jehovah's Witnesses were psychic. That way they wouldn't have to even knock. They would just be able to tell what you’re thinking - Thanks, I am not interested. Of course they don’t have to be psychic when they come to my door. They should clue in when they see the mezuzah on my doorpost – I’m already subscribed to a different provider – don’t waste your time - take a hike!
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
A gentleman goes to see the doctor about getting something done about his missing penis, which he lost in the war. The doctor asks the man how many males were in his family and the gentleman replied seven. The doctor said if they all agreed, he could take an inch off of each male and the gentleman would have a eight inch penis. The gentleman asked the other males in his family if they would agree to having the surgery and everyone said yes. The next day all eight males went into the hospital to have the surgery. After it was all performed the doctor told the gentleman that he had a brand new eight inch penis, but to be extremely careful with it and to come back and see him in a week. The next week the gentleman goes back to see the doctor and the doctor asked him how his new penis was working. The gentleman replied, "Great doc, but I only have one question. Who's brilliant idea was it to put grandpa's part in the middle?"
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet." One blonde student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"? "A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?
The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?" The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Dear Dr. Science,Is there a reason for not ending a sentence with a preposition that you can think of? - John Mostrom of Seattle, WA
Dear John,I must admit I don't know where you're coming from. Correct usage in English and Science is something I've devoted my whole life to. Of course, if I say anything you can't understand, it will just become a new hammer you can try to hit me or another expert over the head with. There are plenty of people like you I can't hope to change the mind of. But then, I've dealt with people like you before. People who don't really want to learn, but just hope to find someone they can publicly disagree with. There's little I can say that your type won't find something to object to. But getting back to your question no there's really no reason for not ending a sentence with a preposition, at least none I can think of.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. Here is a sample program:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR ANDVALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THENFOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, 'John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'. 'Great idea Tony how will we go about it?' said Prescott . 'Well' said Blair, 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside.' 'Right Oh' said Prescott . So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar. 'Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood?' said Blair. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'. Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. 'Tell me,' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?' 'Good Lord, no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!?'
A professor at Memorial University Medical School in St John’s Newfoundland was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year Newfie medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably moose hunting with his buddies."
Cruel Oldie Goldie:
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver feeding her, cleaning her and changing her diaper!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
Almost as Cruel Oldie Goldie:
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After awhile I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD,DDS, withVD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a Rabbi sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Rabbi, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.... We just call him, "TV."Of course he now has a younger sister. We call her "Computer."
"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno
"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's new plan is called 'The Way Forward.' Don't confuse that with the previous president, Bill Clinton. He had a similar policy. His was called 'Way Too Forward.'" --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while falling down a hill in Idaho and breaking his leg." --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech yesterday. In his speech, he said he wanted to spend billions of dollars rebuilding California's infrastructure. Apparently, everybody thought it was a great speech except for that forty-five minute part where Arnold tried to say infrastructure." --Conan O'Brien
"This week, a new swimsuit for Muslim women was introduced called the 'burqini,' which is a stylish water safe burka meant for swimming. The manufacturer says it's perfect for the Muslim woman who loves to swim, but hates being stoned to death." --Conan O'Brien
Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran." --David Letterman
I heard someone say it would be great if Jehovah's Witnesses were psychic. That way they wouldn't have to even knock. They would just be able to tell what you’re thinking - Thanks, I am not interested. Of course they don’t have to be psychic when they come to my door. They should clue in when they see the mezuzah on my doorpost – I’m already subscribed to a different provider – don’t waste your time - take a hike!
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
A gentleman goes to see the doctor about getting something done about his missing penis, which he lost in the war. The doctor asks the man how many males were in his family and the gentleman replied seven. The doctor said if they all agreed, he could take an inch off of each male and the gentleman would have a eight inch penis. The gentleman asked the other males in his family if they would agree to having the surgery and everyone said yes. The next day all eight males went into the hospital to have the surgery. After it was all performed the doctor told the gentleman that he had a brand new eight inch penis, but to be extremely careful with it and to come back and see him in a week. The next week the gentleman goes back to see the doctor and the doctor asked him how his new penis was working. The gentleman replied, "Great doc, but I only have one question. Who's brilliant idea was it to put grandpa's part in the middle?"
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet." One blonde student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"? "A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?
The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?" The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Dear Dr. Science,Is there a reason for not ending a sentence with a preposition that you can think of? - John Mostrom of Seattle, WA
Dear John,I must admit I don't know where you're coming from. Correct usage in English and Science is something I've devoted my whole life to. Of course, if I say anything you can't understand, it will just become a new hammer you can try to hit me or another expert over the head with. There are plenty of people like you I can't hope to change the mind of. But then, I've dealt with people like you before. People who don't really want to learn, but just hope to find someone they can publicly disagree with. There's little I can say that your type won't find something to object to. But getting back to your question no there's really no reason for not ending a sentence with a preposition, at least none I can think of.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. Here is a sample program:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR ANDVALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THENFOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, 'John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'. 'Great idea Tony how will we go about it?' said Prescott . 'Well' said Blair, 'we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside.' 'Right Oh' said Prescott . So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar. 'Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood?' said Blair. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'. Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. 'Tell me,' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?' 'Good Lord, no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!?'
A professor at Memorial University Medical School in St John’s Newfoundland was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year Newfie medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably moose hunting with his buddies."
Cruel Oldie Goldie:
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver feeding her, cleaning her and changing her diaper!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
Almost as Cruel Oldie Goldie:
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After awhile I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD,DDS, withVD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a Rabbi sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Rabbi, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.... We just call him, "TV."Of course he now has a younger sister. We call her "Computer."
Friday Funnies January 12 07
"An Iraqi judge officially dropped all remaining charges against Saddam Hussein. That's nice. You don't want to leave a guy hanging." --Jay Leno
"A new poll has Hillary Clinton coming in fourth among Democratic hopefuls in Iowa. Which is not really bad considering she came in eighth behind other women in her own home." --Jay Leno
"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq 'The New Way Forward.' Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called 'Winging It.'" --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Florida. They beat Ohio State 41-14 yesterday. ... It was so bad President Bush offered to send 20,000 extra players to Ohio." --Jay Leno
“President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister." --Conan O'Brien
"It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday in New York there was a horrible gas-like odor. Today officials think they've traced the source of the smell to a rotting swamp in New Jersey. The name of the rotting swamp? New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien
"Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman
I was driving with my wife at my side and my mother-in-law in the backseat and they just wouldn't leave me alone. My mother-in-law said, "You're driving too fast!" My wife said, "Stay more to the left." My mother-in-law said, ”Watch out for that truck!” After about another ten mixed orders, I finally turned to my wife and asked, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to an impresario with a very tough reputation. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"
David Letterman’s Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets:
10. Glove-compartment Slurpee machine
9. Super-itchy pants
8. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser
7. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves
6. Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean
5. Laser-action Flowbee
4. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit
3. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper
2. "Real killer"-detecting nine iron
1. The Quiz Machine
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - A woman watching New Year's Eve fireworks from a picnic table found out that her bra can do more than lift and support: It also slowed a falling bullet. The .45-caliber bullet struck Debbie Bingham, 46, after someone fired a gun into the air about 20 minutes before midnight. She still needed stitches, but the wound might have been much worse except for the bra strap, police spokesman George Kajtsa said. Bingham, who was in town from Atlanta, said she is thankful for the undergarment, which she said was "very cheap." "I'd love to have a couple more of those bras," she said. Bingham said she was listening to music and enjoying the fireworks with her daughter and son when she felt a sharp pain in her shoulder. Then Solanda Bingham, 30, noticed blood seeping through her mother's white shirt, and they found the bullet lodged halfway into the gold-colored bra. The other half was barely breaking the skin, Bingham told WTSP-TV. Kajtsa described the wound as a "big scratch with bruising." St. Petersburg police were searching for the shooter to determine if the shooting was intentional, Kajtsa said.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business, staying in a good, central 4-star hotel. It's now one hour to shabbos and he's all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure to die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him. "Hello," she says to him. "Hello to you too," he says. "I have a confession to make," she says. "And what would that be?" he asks."I have a sexual fantasy," she says. "Nu, so go on," he says. "I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzes and my fingers through his beard, play with his payess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?" Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"
A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the girl's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.... "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris." Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: "French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!" The guy says, "I'm not from France, either." Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: "Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either." Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?" The guy says, "I'm from Israel." Reporters: "Oh. OK.....Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "Jew Kills Girl's Dog!"
And, in closing, a nice story:
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for the food, and I would even thank you more God if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already."
Sometimes, we all need some ice cream. I hope God sends you some ice cream today!
"A new poll has Hillary Clinton coming in fourth among Democratic hopefuls in Iowa. Which is not really bad considering she came in eighth behind other women in her own home." --Jay Leno
"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is calling his new plan for Iraq 'The New Way Forward.' Don't confuse it with the old plan. That was called 'Winging It.'" --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Florida. They beat Ohio State 41-14 yesterday. ... It was so bad President Bush offered to send 20,000 extra players to Ohio." --Jay Leno
“President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister." --Conan O'Brien
"It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday in New York there was a horrible gas-like odor. Today officials think they've traced the source of the smell to a rotting swamp in New Jersey. The name of the rotting swamp? New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien
"Isn't this weather crazy? This is the warmest January in the history of weather keeping records. As a matter of fact, another chunk actually broke off Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman
I was driving with my wife at my side and my mother-in-law in the backseat and they just wouldn't leave me alone. My mother-in-law said, "You're driving too fast!" My wife said, "Stay more to the left." My mother-in-law said, ”Watch out for that truck!” After about another ten mixed orders, I finally turned to my wife and asked, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to an impresario with a very tough reputation. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"
David Letterman’s Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets:
10. Glove-compartment Slurpee machine
9. Super-itchy pants
8. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser
7. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves
6. Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean
5. Laser-action Flowbee
4. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit
3. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper
2. "Real killer"-detecting nine iron
1. The Quiz Machine
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - A woman watching New Year's Eve fireworks from a picnic table found out that her bra can do more than lift and support: It also slowed a falling bullet. The .45-caliber bullet struck Debbie Bingham, 46, after someone fired a gun into the air about 20 minutes before midnight. She still needed stitches, but the wound might have been much worse except for the bra strap, police spokesman George Kajtsa said. Bingham, who was in town from Atlanta, said she is thankful for the undergarment, which she said was "very cheap." "I'd love to have a couple more of those bras," she said. Bingham said she was listening to music and enjoying the fireworks with her daughter and son when she felt a sharp pain in her shoulder. Then Solanda Bingham, 30, noticed blood seeping through her mother's white shirt, and they found the bullet lodged halfway into the gold-colored bra. The other half was barely breaking the skin, Bingham told WTSP-TV. Kajtsa described the wound as a "big scratch with bruising." St. Petersburg police were searching for the shooter to determine if the shooting was intentional, Kajtsa said.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business, staying in a good, central 4-star hotel. It's now one hour to shabbos and he's all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure to die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him. "Hello," she says to him. "Hello to you too," he says. "I have a confession to make," she says. "And what would that be?" he asks."I have a sexual fantasy," she says. "Nu, so go on," he says. "I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzes and my fingers through his beard, play with his payess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?" Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"
A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the girl's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.... "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris." Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: "French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!" The guy says, "I'm not from France, either." Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: "Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either." Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?" The guy says, "I'm from Israel." Reporters: "Oh. OK.....Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "Jew Kills Girl's Dog!"
And, in closing, a nice story:
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for the food, and I would even thank you more God if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already."
Sometimes, we all need some ice cream. I hope God sends you some ice cream today!
Friday Funnies January 5 07
Attainable New Year's Resolutions:
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Apparently the latest rage for the January White Sales is the Saddam Dress Shirt. It’s a great value! You may find it a bit tight around the neck, but it hangs remarkably well considering all the time it’s been in the basement!
"Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes." --Jay Leno
"Today was the funeral for President Gerald Ford. He passed away at 93. A very nice man. ... Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election ... besides President Bush." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile." --Conan O'Brien
"This week California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was released from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors say Arnold's leg will be broken for two months and his English will be broken forever." --Conan O'Brien
This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota after a huge snowstorm.
WEATHER BULLETIN:Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions” with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.
FYI:
George Bush did not come.
FEMA did nothing.
No one howled for the government.
No one blamed the government.
No one even uttered an expletive on TV.
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.
Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else.
Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either.
CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm.
Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.
No one looted. Literally, ZERO reports of a single stolen item.
Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.
Nobody expected the government to do anything, either.
No Larry King,
No Bill O'Reilly,
No Oprah,
No Chris Mathews and
No Geraldo Rivera.
No Shaun Penn,
No Barbara Streisand,
No Hollywood types to be found.
Nope, we just melted the snow for water.
Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars.
The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny.
Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snowbound families.
Families took in the stranded people - total strangers.
We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns.
We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die".
We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.
Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves."In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."It does seem that way, at least to me.I hope this gets passed on.Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does NOT owe you a living.
Oldie Goldie
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked."Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
In the news this week, it was mentioned that Tiger Woods' wife was pregnant. I guess that means that Tiger sunk the putz.
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
Apparently since Paul has separated from Heather, she is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped!" According to a close friend, "She's running around in circles and will need all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this!"
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but she considered it just a stocking-stuffer.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked by his family if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said, “I’d prefer if we just called her Heather!”
Lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
A poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
Apparently a woman has laid charges against Heather for striking her with her prosthetic limb. While Heather was on her cell phone in a store, the woman tried to ask her questions so Heather kicked her rear end out the door with her prosthetic limb. Way to go Heather! Just like the old expression, “Busier than a one legged woman at a butt kicking contest.”
A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "Now I'm fucked! Who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "Try Paul McCartney"
Oldie Goldie
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and had a wonderful day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm", she said, "I think I'll part my hair in the middle today." So she did and had a grand day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw she had only one hair on her head. "Well", she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and had a fun, fun day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH", she yelled "I don't have to fix my hair today !"
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING: As the saying goes: The kind of life you will have isn't determined by what happens to you, it's determined by your reaction to what happens to you. Have a great day! Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Apparently the latest rage for the January White Sales is the Saddam Dress Shirt. It’s a great value! You may find it a bit tight around the neck, but it hangs remarkably well considering all the time it’s been in the basement!
"Saddam Hussein was executed last week by hanging. Or, as they call that in Iraq, death by natural causes." --Jay Leno
"Today was the funeral for President Gerald Ford. He passed away at 93. A very nice man. ... Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election ... besides President Bush." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile." --Conan O'Brien
"This week California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was released from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors say Arnold's leg will be broken for two months and his English will be broken forever." --Conan O'Brien
This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota after a huge snowstorm.
WEATHER BULLETIN:Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions” with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.
FYI:
George Bush did not come.
FEMA did nothing.
No one howled for the government.
No one blamed the government.
No one even uttered an expletive on TV.
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.
Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else.
Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either.
CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm.
Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.
No one looted. Literally, ZERO reports of a single stolen item.
Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.
Nobody expected the government to do anything, either.
No Larry King,
No Bill O'Reilly,
No Oprah,
No Chris Mathews and
No Geraldo Rivera.
No Shaun Penn,
No Barbara Streisand,
No Hollywood types to be found.
Nope, we just melted the snow for water.
Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars.
The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny.
Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snowbound families.
Families took in the stranded people - total strangers.
We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns.
We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die".
We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.
Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves."In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."It does seem that way, at least to me.I hope this gets passed on.Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does NOT owe you a living.
Oldie Goldie
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked."Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
In the news this week, it was mentioned that Tiger Woods' wife was pregnant. I guess that means that Tiger sunk the putz.
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
Apparently since Paul has separated from Heather, she is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped!" According to a close friend, "She's running around in circles and will need all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this!"
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but she considered it just a stocking-stuffer.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked by his family if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said, “I’d prefer if we just called her Heather!”
Lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
A poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
Apparently a woman has laid charges against Heather for striking her with her prosthetic limb. While Heather was on her cell phone in a store, the woman tried to ask her questions so Heather kicked her rear end out the door with her prosthetic limb. Way to go Heather! Just like the old expression, “Busier than a one legged woman at a butt kicking contest.”
A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "Now I'm fucked! Who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "Try Paul McCartney"
Oldie Goldie
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and had a wonderful day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm", she said, "I think I'll part my hair in the middle today." So she did and had a grand day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw she had only one hair on her head. "Well", she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and had a fun, fun day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH", she yelled "I don't have to fix my hair today !"
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING: As the saying goes: The kind of life you will have isn't determined by what happens to you, it's determined by your reaction to what happens to you. Have a great day! Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday Funnies December 29 06
"President Bush had a menorah lighting ceremony at the White House for Chanukah. ... I don't think President Bush understands the Jewish faith. After some kid lit the menorah, President Bush sang Happy Birthday and blew out the candles. ... Hey, what do you call President Bush wearing a yarmulke? A Chanukah Bush." --Jay Leno
"And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Huh? Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. " --Jay Leno
Late Night Takes on Iran:
"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." -- Jay Leno
"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" -- Jay Leno
"Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'... Of course, it's a lot easier to be diplomatic when we've only got two armies left to deploy: Salvation and KISS." -- Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." – Jay Leno
"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." -- Bill Maher
"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." -- Tina Fey
"The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." -- David Letterman
"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." — Jay Leno
"In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq — that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!" — David Letterman
US bumper stickers: (admittedly from somewhat left of centre)
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
1/20/09: End of an Error?
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Whose God Do You Kill For?
Cheney/Satan '08
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
Bad President! No Banana.
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Cheney First Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
Pray For Impeachment
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th CenturyWhat Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?One Nation Under Clod
2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
Marriage is a gamble.You start with a pair.He shows a diamond.She shows a heart.Her father has a club.His father has a spade.There's usually a joker around somewhere,But after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.Then they end up with a full house.
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Twas the month after Chanukah,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I`d nibble,
the latkas I`d taste
At Chanukah parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).
I`d remember the marvelous meals I`d prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams,
the bread and the cheese
and the way I`d never said,
``No thank you, please.``
As I dressed myself in my husband`s old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt--
-I said to myself, as only I can
``You can`t spend the winter disguised as a man!``
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate,
each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food
that I like must be banished
`Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won`t have a cookie--not even a lick.
I`ll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won`t have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I`ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I`m hungry, I`m lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn`t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
"And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Huh? Apparently he and President Bush have more in common than they realize. " --Jay Leno
Late Night Takes on Iran:
"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." -- Jay Leno
"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" -- Jay Leno
"Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'... Of course, it's a lot easier to be diplomatic when we've only got two armies left to deploy: Salvation and KISS." -- Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." – Jay Leno
"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." -- Bill Maher
"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." -- Tina Fey
"The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." -- David Letterman
"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." — Jay Leno
"In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq — that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!" — David Letterman
US bumper stickers: (admittedly from somewhat left of centre)
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
1/20/09: End of an Error?
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Whose God Do You Kill For?
Cheney/Satan '08
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
Bad President! No Banana.
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Cheney First Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
Pray For Impeachment
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th CenturyWhat Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?One Nation Under Clod
2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
Marriage is a gamble.You start with a pair.He shows a diamond.She shows a heart.Her father has a club.His father has a spade.There's usually a joker around somewhere,But after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.Then they end up with a full house.
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Twas the month after Chanukah,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I`d nibble,
the latkas I`d taste
At Chanukah parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).
I`d remember the marvelous meals I`d prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams,
the bread and the cheese
and the way I`d never said,
``No thank you, please.``
As I dressed myself in my husband`s old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt--
-I said to myself, as only I can
``You can`t spend the winter disguised as a man!``
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate,
each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food
that I like must be banished
`Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won`t have a cookie--not even a lick.
I`ll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won`t have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I`ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I`m hungry, I`m lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn`t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Friday Funnies December 22 06
A new study says male circumcision may cut the risk of spreading AIDS. So for all those guys who say wearing a condom makes them feel uncomfortable, there's finally an alternative! - Jake Novak
Around election time I passed an older gentleman in his yard and noticed he had several signs, each proclaiming support for a different political candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I said to him. "That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer sticks.
Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix was chosen Friday to test those X-ray machines that see right through a passenger's underwear. Everyone will see pictures of what you look like underneath your clothes. It's like being Britney Spears for a day.- Argus Hamilton
"This California company that was charged to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno
"The White House announced this week it will not have a new Iraq strategy until after the start of the new year. ... Apparently, President Bush is hoping that Santa will bring him one." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday federal agents conducted huge raids in six states and arrested 1,300 illegal immigrant workers at Swift meat processing plants. I believe this was the biggest raid of a meat packing plant since they stormed Congressman Mark Foley's office." – David Letterman
David Duke told a Holocaust seminar in Iran last Monday that Israel was using its own Holocaust to try to perpetrate one on Iran. He had to be there. Iran has its annual white sales in December and David Duke saves money on sheets wherever he can. - Argus Hamilton
An old woman is sitting on a park bench with a big smile on her face as she feeds the pigeons a whole loaf of bread, one piece at a time. A yuppie watching her chastises her, “You shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. With an indignant look she snaps back, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you". When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is sucha wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. Then I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia"
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina. The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife.
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies,"Cuz someone took a shit behind it eh?." He got the job and is now the foreman.
Oldie Goldie
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said ………"What's a headache?"
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Newfie truckers, Pat and Mike, came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3." They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4." "What do you think?" Pat asked. Mike looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots--
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted,
we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped,
we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
" Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"
Remember the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during Chanukah, is that you save the receipt...
Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar!
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows XP.
December 8 Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem at the birth of Christ.
December 9 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 10 Lay Faberge egg.
December 11 Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 12 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 13 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 14 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 15 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 16 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 17 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
December 18 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guests will be same height when sitting at their assigned seats.
December 19 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 20Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 21 Float votive candles in toilet.
December 22 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 23 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 24 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemadepotpourri.
December 25 Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.
December 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-you notes. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
December 27 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 28 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 29 Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
As a special event for Chanukah, the Sunday School Class performed a song during services they'd worked on for weeks. The harmony was wonderful and the kids' enthusiasm was contagious. When they finished, the congregation stood, applauding their efforts. After services, an eight-year-old ran up to his Mom excitedly, and happily exclaimed "Mom! Did you see that? We got a standing congregation!"
Around election time I passed an older gentleman in his yard and noticed he had several signs, each proclaiming support for a different political candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I said to him. "That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer sticks.
Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix was chosen Friday to test those X-ray machines that see right through a passenger's underwear. Everyone will see pictures of what you look like underneath your clothes. It's like being Britney Spears for a day.- Argus Hamilton
"This California company that was charged to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno
"The White House announced this week it will not have a new Iraq strategy until after the start of the new year. ... Apparently, President Bush is hoping that Santa will bring him one." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday federal agents conducted huge raids in six states and arrested 1,300 illegal immigrant workers at Swift meat processing plants. I believe this was the biggest raid of a meat packing plant since they stormed Congressman Mark Foley's office." – David Letterman
David Duke told a Holocaust seminar in Iran last Monday that Israel was using its own Holocaust to try to perpetrate one on Iran. He had to be there. Iran has its annual white sales in December and David Duke saves money on sheets wherever he can. - Argus Hamilton
An old woman is sitting on a park bench with a big smile on her face as she feeds the pigeons a whole loaf of bread, one piece at a time. A yuppie watching her chastises her, “You shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. With an indignant look she snaps back, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you". When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is sucha wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. Then I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia"
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina. The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife.
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies,"Cuz someone took a shit behind it eh?." He got the job and is now the foreman.
Oldie Goldie
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said ………"What's a headache?"
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Newfie truckers, Pat and Mike, came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3." They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4." "What do you think?" Pat asked. Mike looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots--
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted,
we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped,
we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
" Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"
Remember the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during Chanukah, is that you save the receipt...
Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar!
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows XP.
December 8 Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem at the birth of Christ.
December 9 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 10 Lay Faberge egg.
December 11 Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 12 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 13 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 14 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 15 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 16 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 17 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
December 18 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guests will be same height when sitting at their assigned seats.
December 19 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 20Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 21 Float votive candles in toilet.
December 22 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 23 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 24 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemadepotpourri.
December 25 Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.
December 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-you notes. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
December 27 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 28 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 29 Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
As a special event for Chanukah, the Sunday School Class performed a song during services they'd worked on for weeks. The harmony was wonderful and the kids' enthusiasm was contagious. When they finished, the congregation stood, applauding their efforts. After services, an eight-year-old ran up to his Mom excitedly, and happily exclaimed "Mom! Did you see that? We got a standing congregation!"
Friday Funnies December 15 06
"Earlier in the week, NASA announced plans to establish a manned base on the moon. President Bush was quick to point out, 'We're only going to stay on the moon until the moon people are able to govern themselves. ... President Bush also suggested waiting until there was a full moon, so there would be more places to land.'" --Jay Leno
"Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, and her partner, Heather Poe, announced they are going to have a baby. After hearing this, President Bush pointed to Heather and said, 'Wait, she's not a dude' ... and then went back to reading Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien
Actually George didn’t think Cheney’s daughter is on good terms with her father ‘cause he heard she doesn’t like dick!
"Today is December 7th, the 65th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Or as President Bush refers to it, 'The day that will live in the infirmary.'" --Conan O'Brien
African American Representative Charles Rangel (Dem. N.Y.) when asked what he thought of President George W. Bush replied, “Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all!”
Some timely thoughts from Yasha:
Friends, Chileans, Human Beings. I come not to praise Pinochet, but to stomp on his freshly dug grave and disrespect his life's "work". And I do so with the aid and support of millions of Chileans who justifiably hated him.Augusto Pinochet, the Chilean who took power on September 11, 1973, and ran his dictatorship for two decades while strengthening Chile's economy, killing, torturing, and kidnapping thousands upon thousands of his fellow countrymen, has died. Kicked the bucket. Gone on to meet his maker. He was 91. Thank goodness he didn't make it to 92. It took Pinochet 33 Years and 3 Months from the time he seized control of Chile, until the day his country would bury him. What a gigantic waste of life and time. Sadly, there are still those who lavish praise and respect unto this mass killer, even within his own country. Today, we mock and taunt and jeer at his supporters. We hope those ignoble fools suffer these slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Theirs is a bygone age, whose legacy will be marred and grow darker in time. We were going to remain tasteful and refrain from taking stabs at his dead and now decomposing corpse, yet to let his head rest in peace after his life of unanswered crimes against humanity, would be unthinkable to us. It is our firmly held view that a bit of rough laughs at the expense of this now dead murderous dictator are indeed called for. Dictators Deserve Derision. So without further ado, here's our parting adieu to Augusto Pinochet.
Q: What's the most popular bitter bloody drink in Chile today? A: PINOcheT Noir
Q: How do you spell 'Macabre' in Spanish? A: P-I-N-O-C-H-E-T
Q: What are Pinochet and Arafat doing in Hell today? A: Betting on what time Fidel Castro will arrive.
Q: Why did Augusto Pinochet dress in Nazi-SS inspired uniforms? A: He accidentally hired a fascist advisor instead of a fashion advisor.
Q: What's the other best part of "the terrible secrets Pinochet took to his grave?" A: Finally, Pinochet took to his grave.
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Apparently Paul McCartney was very happy to have a large number of family photos returned to him after they were found in a garbage dump. No one knows how the many photos of Paul with his late wife Linda and even some (including naked ones) of his ex-wife Heather Mills got there. It is assumed that the pics of Heather were so well preserved because they were on jpegs.
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk and when he grabs the teat, and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?" Ole isvery surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken back, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
Oldie Goldie
Two hillbillies are in a bar talking about their moonshine operation over a shot of whiskey when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent hat she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no."Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly starts licking her butt. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Jackie Mason's Response to Spanish Speakers
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and, above all, the purity of the English language.To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah! These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!
It was Black Friday, the day of the big after Thanksgiving sale. The ads were full of exciting bargains, and so the long line formed at 5:00 am for the store opening at 6:00. A small Jewish man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back by the Gentiles in line, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line..."That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, and her partner, Heather Poe, announced they are going to have a baby. After hearing this, President Bush pointed to Heather and said, 'Wait, she's not a dude' ... and then went back to reading Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien
Actually George didn’t think Cheney’s daughter is on good terms with her father ‘cause he heard she doesn’t like dick!
"Today is December 7th, the 65th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Or as President Bush refers to it, 'The day that will live in the infirmary.'" --Conan O'Brien
African American Representative Charles Rangel (Dem. N.Y.) when asked what he thought of President George W. Bush replied, “Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all!”
Some timely thoughts from Yasha:
Friends, Chileans, Human Beings. I come not to praise Pinochet, but to stomp on his freshly dug grave and disrespect his life's "work". And I do so with the aid and support of millions of Chileans who justifiably hated him.Augusto Pinochet, the Chilean who took power on September 11, 1973, and ran his dictatorship for two decades while strengthening Chile's economy, killing, torturing, and kidnapping thousands upon thousands of his fellow countrymen, has died. Kicked the bucket. Gone on to meet his maker. He was 91. Thank goodness he didn't make it to 92. It took Pinochet 33 Years and 3 Months from the time he seized control of Chile, until the day his country would bury him. What a gigantic waste of life and time. Sadly, there are still those who lavish praise and respect unto this mass killer, even within his own country. Today, we mock and taunt and jeer at his supporters. We hope those ignoble fools suffer these slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Theirs is a bygone age, whose legacy will be marred and grow darker in time. We were going to remain tasteful and refrain from taking stabs at his dead and now decomposing corpse, yet to let his head rest in peace after his life of unanswered crimes against humanity, would be unthinkable to us. It is our firmly held view that a bit of rough laughs at the expense of this now dead murderous dictator are indeed called for. Dictators Deserve Derision. So without further ado, here's our parting adieu to Augusto Pinochet.
Q: What's the most popular bitter bloody drink in Chile today? A: PINOcheT Noir
Q: How do you spell 'Macabre' in Spanish? A: P-I-N-O-C-H-E-T
Q: What are Pinochet and Arafat doing in Hell today? A: Betting on what time Fidel Castro will arrive.
Q: Why did Augusto Pinochet dress in Nazi-SS inspired uniforms? A: He accidentally hired a fascist advisor instead of a fashion advisor.
Q: What's the other best part of "the terrible secrets Pinochet took to his grave?" A: Finally, Pinochet took to his grave.
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Apparently Paul McCartney was very happy to have a large number of family photos returned to him after they were found in a garbage dump. No one knows how the many photos of Paul with his late wife Linda and even some (including naked ones) of his ex-wife Heather Mills got there. It is assumed that the pics of Heather were so well preserved because they were on jpegs.
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk and when he grabs the teat, and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?" Ole isvery surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken back, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
Oldie Goldie
Two hillbillies are in a bar talking about their moonshine operation over a shot of whiskey when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent hat she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no."Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly starts licking her butt. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Jackie Mason's Response to Spanish Speakers
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and, above all, the purity of the English language.To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah! These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!
It was Black Friday, the day of the big after Thanksgiving sale. The ads were full of exciting bargains, and so the long line formed at 5:00 am for the store opening at 6:00. A small Jewish man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back by the Gentiles in line, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line..."That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Friday Funnies December 8 06
"Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it." --Jay Leno
"In New York City, Hillary Clinton spoke to the faithful. The faithful, so apparently, Bill Clinton was not there." --Jay Leno
“Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees.” --Jay Leno
"The federal government has a new citizenship test. They said the old test for immigrants is too outdated. Apparently, it was in English." --Jay Leno
"This year the White House Christmas decorations include a 10-foot-tall nutcracker. Experts say this is the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton." --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties. However, there was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, 'Are you the Shiite head?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Poor John Kerry. They had a poll testing the likeability of Democrats candidates, and John Kerry finished dead last. Guys like this take this stuff seriously. He was very upset. He's been walking around all day with a long face." --David Letterman
George Herbert W. Bush to George W," Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time..."
Then there was the frog who checked the obits every morning, just to see who croaked.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy when drunk
Professional = Bitch
A Few Extra Pounds = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Least Romantic Sayings
"You're The Cheez Wiz on my Potato."
"Being without you is like a biscuit without gravy."
"I need you like someone with the squirts needs Pepto Bismol."
"You make me so excited, I just can't hold my bladder."
"I wanna be close to you like a leech on an abrasion."
"I want you like a dog wants a muscular leg."
"You mean more to me than a Buy one, Get one Free Coupon at Waffle House."
"I want you more than a Romulan wants to kill a Klingon."
"I want you more than the nastiest heroin addict needs a fix from a dirty needle."
"Its either you or the dog but I gotta sleep with someone tonight!"
Mistakes from New English Language Students
Recipes: Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.
Health: It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
Sports: It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air.
Politics: The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder.
Grammar: Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
Music: When he was through singing he had a standing ovulation.
Food: Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!
Parents: My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me.
Weather: Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it!
Travel: You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.
Oldie Goldie - or Becky or Sarah or Minnie...
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe on a cruise. Bubbe boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck." She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The purser said, "O.C. isoutside Cabin." Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B." "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe. The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she exclaimed, "F.U.C.K"! Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?" To which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. .... First U Could Knock!"
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled,"Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
"In New York City, Hillary Clinton spoke to the faithful. The faithful, so apparently, Bill Clinton was not there." --Jay Leno
“Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees.” --Jay Leno
"The federal government has a new citizenship test. They said the old test for immigrants is too outdated. Apparently, it was in English." --Jay Leno
"This year the White House Christmas decorations include a 10-foot-tall nutcracker. Experts say this is the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton." --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties. However, there was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, 'Are you the Shiite head?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Poor John Kerry. They had a poll testing the likeability of Democrats candidates, and John Kerry finished dead last. Guys like this take this stuff seriously. He was very upset. He's been walking around all day with a long face." --David Letterman
George Herbert W. Bush to George W," Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time..."
Then there was the frog who checked the obits every morning, just to see who croaked.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy when drunk
Professional = Bitch
A Few Extra Pounds = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Least Romantic Sayings
"You're The Cheez Wiz on my Potato."
"Being without you is like a biscuit without gravy."
"I need you like someone with the squirts needs Pepto Bismol."
"You make me so excited, I just can't hold my bladder."
"I wanna be close to you like a leech on an abrasion."
"I want you like a dog wants a muscular leg."
"You mean more to me than a Buy one, Get one Free Coupon at Waffle House."
"I want you more than a Romulan wants to kill a Klingon."
"I want you more than the nastiest heroin addict needs a fix from a dirty needle."
"Its either you or the dog but I gotta sleep with someone tonight!"
Mistakes from New English Language Students
Recipes: Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.
Health: It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
Sports: It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air.
Politics: The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder.
Grammar: Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
Music: When he was through singing he had a standing ovulation.
Food: Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!
Parents: My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me.
Weather: Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it!
Travel: You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.
Oldie Goldie - or Becky or Sarah or Minnie...
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe on a cruise. Bubbe boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck." She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The purser said, "O.C. isoutside Cabin." Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B." "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe. The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she exclaimed, "F.U.C.K"! Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?" To which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. .... First U Could Knock!"
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled,"Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
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