Here's a very bizarre story... A 63-year-old Wisconsin man has been arrested for having sexual relations with a cow. Apparently they met on the Internet. You never know what you're going to get. He said he and the cow did it at least fifty times, but never while he was in a relationship with his wife or his girlfriend because that would be wrong. Isn't that bizarre?! He also says that he and the cow were never serious. Well, sure -- why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free? - Jay Leno
Police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. It was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1973, 1928, 1856, and 1794...........
Ahhhh! Let’s have a collective Canuck sigh for the hapless Canadian Olympic Hockey Team
Top 10...you know you are Canadian Hockey Fan when...
10. When you had more goals in your new years resolutions then Canada had in the Olympics
9. The Larry, Curly and Moe...could have done better and potted a few keepers too...
8. That the bet you had with Janet Gretzky now has you in hot water with the Police in New Jersey
7. That you lay awake at night wondering...what would have happened if they only had added Eric Lindros? Luckily it only keeps you up for about a minute...
6. That the loss is a sure sign that the Leafs are set to play again...
5. That with inflation there was a toonie at centre ice...it wasn't so lucky though...
4. That you are scratching your head thinking..."When the heck did Paul Di Pietro play for Toronto...and shouldn't we draft him now"?
3. Secretly...while watching the game...you switched channels and watched Everybody Loves Raymond
2. That the Olympic break means hockey will last all year round...(almost)...ok at least til the end of June...
1. The number one reason you know you're a Canadian Hockey Fan is on the games that were on in the morning...you went for it and had an Ice Cold Molson Canadian and poured some into your Shreddies!
Marriage is a mutual relationship only if both parties know how / when to be mute.
My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look prettyfor you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henry Youngman
They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I’ll settle for being moderately rich and just moody.
My friend Bill is still out there job hunting. He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'. He says he never knows which to choose -- He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone 'M'-ing.
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY – discombobulated.
When faced with a killer set of 38 DD's, the normally cool, calm and collected Bill found himself quite discomboobulated.
DEFINITION: To become frazzled when speaking to someone with exceptionally large breasts.
The mountain range known as The Grand Tetons got their name from French Voyagers (trappers who traveled by canoes and foot to get into what was then back country). They thought the mountains looked like large female breasts rising majestically up. They must have been out a LONG time. Hence the name, (en francais) : Les Grands Tetons or The Big Tits. Don't you just love history !
I was telling a friend that I finally insisted that my wife go to a doctor about her headaches. He asked if she had that many. I said no, just one - for 12 years!"
A blonde decided to rent her first porno. She went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR. But nothing appeared on her screen except static. She called the video store and complained, "I just rented a porno from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static. The clerk said, "Sorry about that. Which movie was it?" The blonde replied, "Head Cleaner."
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise and to try playing a game of fetch." She said, "I can't play fetch with my dog because he can't throw."
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
Everything was fine as we watched the big white bear frolicking with the smaller females at the zoo. Then that same male attempted to climb the back of another male! The ensuing bloody fight caused entire families to run shrieking in the other direction. Only then did I truly understand the insidious effects of bipolar disorder.
A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior. The detective reported that he traveled to a near-by city where he spent his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs to prove it. When her husband returned from his "business trip," she confronted him about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the man said, . . . "I think it was bigamy to admit it."
It seems to be the fashion these days for couples to write their own marriage vows. I heard of a couple last week who wanted to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'
Math Exam for the 'hood:
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out ofevery 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?3.Rufus pimps 3 Ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each Ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8.Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
Legal Terminology:
CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.
HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.
HUNG JURY: Jury with big genitals.
JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV.
Sadie goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Sadie walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. Sadie asked, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
The Jewish definition of a menage a trois - two headaches and a hard-on.
Sarah told me she had broken off her engagement to Morris. I said I was sorry to hear that and asked why. She said her feelings towards Morris had changed. I asked if she had given him back the engagement ring. Sarah replied, “No! Why should I? My feelings towards the ring haven't changed."
Top Ten Orchadox Classifications.
10. Standardox - You went to Jewish High school, Israel Yeshiva, YU, Married at 22, live in Teaneck to be near (supported by) your in-laws.
9. Whorethodox - You definitely are not prude, but still "shomer" all 612 of the other miztvos
8. Awkwardox - thanks to you strict religious upbringing, any social event is an awkward one
7. Ignorethodox - You hit the snooze button on any Jewish law you feel may get in the way of your weekend plans
6. Hardcorethodox - You wear a black hat on the Free Fall at Great Adventure on Chol Hamoed
5. Botoxodox - You're retired in Florida -who needs these categories, when you have grandkids
4. AlGorethodox - You have the most robotic stoic religious belief system in the world
3. Loxodox - bagels, cream cheese, and maybe some herring makes all of this Jewish stuff worth it
2. Christian Diorthodox - You are not sure what holiday it is, but you already have the outfit picked out for it
1. Shmorgodox - just a little taste of everything
A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following: "My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication."
I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever. A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing to the house behind him.
Expectant mother to doctor: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Doctor: Yes, your bladder.
Concerned about fitness in her 50's, a female friend enrolled in an aerobics class. Walking in to her first class she was somewhat daunted at finding herself in a class of much younger women and decided to combat her nervousness with humour. She told the instructor that she was there for her postnatal exercises. The instructor gave her an appraising look and asked how old her baby was. She replied, "Twenty-three!"
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. She said, "Now your boots are on the right feet!" He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month. Personally, I'd vote "NOT GUILTY"
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday Funnies February 17 06
Tough week for the administration. Scandals. Leaks. Sagging poll numbers. They deserve a break. I suggest Bush and Cheney take time off. Go hunting....
Paris Hilton is reportedly upset because her private diaries have been stolen. Police say the suspect must have had access to her bedroom; so, it could be anyone. - Conan O'Brien
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. - Richard Jeni
Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea on paper. But unfortunately, my grow-to-fit ass works faster than they do.
Have you ever felt like life is a car wash and you’re on a bike?
When you've dated as many clowns as I have, laugh lines are inevitable"
Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes? "Short, shorter, and don't bend over!"
They say that most divorced couples break up for financial reasons. That's what happened to me - my wife and I split up when I found out she was screwing our accountant.
Yesterday my ex-wife gave me a free holiday for my birthday. It’s a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and she got me a ride to Texas with Ted Kennedy.
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain, and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying for years about men.
Paddy O'Shea, just over from Ireland, was being feted by a Boston buddy at an upscale "Irish" pub. "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!" "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 years."
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
One night as my wife prepared for bed, she coated her very dry hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with a pair of white cotton gloves. As she sat in bed reading a book with her gloves on, I took one look, took off all my clothes, went and got a tie and put it around my neck and got into bed. My wife asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Well, if you are going to be formal, so am I."
My wife and I were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. She told me, "You're impossible." I replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own damned blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
A buddy called me up last weekend and asked me if I could get out of the house to shoot some pool. I told him that I am the master of my home and can shoot pool whenever I want. Then I said,” “But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to.”
St. Peter was checking IDs at the gates of heaven. He asked a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man said, "I was a doctor." St. Peter said, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates." "Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates." "Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
Valentine's Day Advice By Women For Men – Too late for this year – get a good start for next year:
- No matter what she tells you to the contrary, she wants you to send her flowers at work. Or presents. We love presents anytime, anywhere. But work is always best.
- Carnations will win you ridicule, not respect. Red roses, candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach - did you think of those all by yourself?
- Men who can cook are terribly sexy.
- Gold necklaces with giant anchors, crosses, Italian horns or Mercedes charms on them are not sexy.
- If you have to ask if we came, we didn't.
She does not cum every time, no matter what you may think, feel, guess, hear, or read about to the contrary.
- That's a clitoris you're rubbing, not a coffee stain out of your white linen suit.
- We don't care if you look at porn. We do care if you hide your porn from us as if you were 12 years old.
- Make breakfast the morning after. Stale apple jacks with expired milk doesn't count.
- We like to wear your clothes. We would not like for you to wear ours.
- Play music while we make love. No, not Metallica.
- Don't pick up the phone during sex. Even if it's your broker. With a million-dollar investment tip ...... Maybe that would be okay, since you're taking us on a vacation to Hawaii to celebrate.
- Learn how to change positions without pulling out.
- Photograph us in the nude. But not when we're feeling bloated. Or when we're sleeping with our mouths open ... Or eating.
- Don't name your dick.
- Keep requests that your girl go bald down below to a minimum. Bikini waxes are painful enough, and are too much maintenance as it is. You think that waxing isn't so much to endure? Get your back waxed once in a while. Hurts, doesn't it?
Some say it's what's on the inside that counts. Don’t you think that if that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders?
Things you don't want to hear from a woman the first time she sees you naked:
Just how MANY times were you circumcised?
If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!
On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.
I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of those?
I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that long!
Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't it?
Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?
That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?
The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "For tomorrow’s trip we need two things - a punt and a canoe," he said. When he arrived the next day, there was a slutty looking woman waiting for him with the guide at the fishing lodge. "What’s with the tart?" he asked his guide. "Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get the first item, but what in the hell is a panoe?"
Paddy the Newfie is out fishing with his row boat when his oars get knocked overboard and, try as he might he can’t get them. He is stranded out in the middle of the lake with no way to paddle to shore. After about 2 hours he sees Mike in another row boat with two women in it. Paddy yells, "Mike, can I borrow one of your oars?" Mike yells back "They're not whores... they're me sisters."
During a lull in the rehearsal the Redneck groom and Billy Bob the best man, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Billy Bob, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've screwed every woman in this room." To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had ‘em all!"
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - foreploy
Jeff cruises the singles bars every Friday and Saturday nite, and he runs a great line. He had truly become the master of foreploy.DEFINITION: Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the drywall is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?" "Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.
While taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, the nurse asked how much she weighed. "I really don't know," she said. "Well, more or less," the nurse prompted. "More, I guess," she answered sadly.
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir". "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; And being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," He preached, and he preached, like he'd never preached before: From Genesis all the way to Revelation. As he closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car, he felt he had done his duty for the homeless man, and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another "I ain't never seen anything like this before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Sign in the window of Levy's Carpet Store
USE OUR EASY CREDIT PLAN.100% DOWN.NOTHING TO PAY EACH MONTH
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?" "I'm 40 years old, your Honour." The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?" "I'm 40 years old, your Honour," answered Sadie again. "Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're over 60." "But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband." "Why not?" asked the judge. "You call that living?" replied Sadie.
For those with a bissel Yiddish: The grandfather of a Jewish university student was depressed over the loss of his wife, so despite that the grandfather was a little hard-of-hearing and his command of English was not great, his grandson invited him to spend some time on campus with him. One afternoon the young man tells his grandfather that they are attending a special lecture to be presented by the world's outstanding expert on the subject of the rare laughing hyena."A vus?" asked the grandfather. "A laughing hyena ... a khayeh vus lakht." "Azoy," exclaims the old man doubtingly, puzzled by such a phenomenon, but he goes along. The lecture is rather boring, but occasionally the old man catches something which to him seems interesting, especially when the expert refers to statistical data."The laughing hyena urinates once a week," the expert declares."Voos, voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man."Di khayeh voos lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokh." "Azoy!" exclaims the old man. "The laughing hyena defecates once a month," explains the lecturer. "Vooz, voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man. "Di khayeh voos lakht kahkt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh." "Azoy!" exclaims the old man. "The laughing hyena has sexual relations once a year," suggests the lecturer. "Voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man. "Eyer zoogt az di khayeh vus lakht trent ayn moohl a yooer." After a moment the puzzled old man said, "Az di khayeh voos lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht, kakt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh, und trent ayn moohl a yoeor ... far voos lakht er?"
Paris Hilton is reportedly upset because her private diaries have been stolen. Police say the suspect must have had access to her bedroom; so, it could be anyone. - Conan O'Brien
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. - Richard Jeni
Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea on paper. But unfortunately, my grow-to-fit ass works faster than they do.
Have you ever felt like life is a car wash and you’re on a bike?
When you've dated as many clowns as I have, laugh lines are inevitable"
Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes? "Short, shorter, and don't bend over!"
They say that most divorced couples break up for financial reasons. That's what happened to me - my wife and I split up when I found out she was screwing our accountant.
Yesterday my ex-wife gave me a free holiday for my birthday. It’s a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and she got me a ride to Texas with Ted Kennedy.
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain, and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying for years about men.
Paddy O'Shea, just over from Ireland, was being feted by a Boston buddy at an upscale "Irish" pub. "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!" "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 years."
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
One night as my wife prepared for bed, she coated her very dry hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with a pair of white cotton gloves. As she sat in bed reading a book with her gloves on, I took one look, took off all my clothes, went and got a tie and put it around my neck and got into bed. My wife asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Well, if you are going to be formal, so am I."
My wife and I were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. She told me, "You're impossible." I replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own damned blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
A buddy called me up last weekend and asked me if I could get out of the house to shoot some pool. I told him that I am the master of my home and can shoot pool whenever I want. Then I said,” “But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to.”
St. Peter was checking IDs at the gates of heaven. He asked a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man said, "I was a doctor." St. Peter said, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates." "Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates." "Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
Valentine's Day Advice By Women For Men – Too late for this year – get a good start for next year:
- No matter what she tells you to the contrary, she wants you to send her flowers at work. Or presents. We love presents anytime, anywhere. But work is always best.
- Carnations will win you ridicule, not respect. Red roses, candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach - did you think of those all by yourself?
- Men who can cook are terribly sexy.
- Gold necklaces with giant anchors, crosses, Italian horns or Mercedes charms on them are not sexy.
- If you have to ask if we came, we didn't.
She does not cum every time, no matter what you may think, feel, guess, hear, or read about to the contrary.
- That's a clitoris you're rubbing, not a coffee stain out of your white linen suit.
- We don't care if you look at porn. We do care if you hide your porn from us as if you were 12 years old.
- Make breakfast the morning after. Stale apple jacks with expired milk doesn't count.
- We like to wear your clothes. We would not like for you to wear ours.
- Play music while we make love. No, not Metallica.
- Don't pick up the phone during sex. Even if it's your broker. With a million-dollar investment tip ...... Maybe that would be okay, since you're taking us on a vacation to Hawaii to celebrate.
- Learn how to change positions without pulling out.
- Photograph us in the nude. But not when we're feeling bloated. Or when we're sleeping with our mouths open ... Or eating.
- Don't name your dick.
- Keep requests that your girl go bald down below to a minimum. Bikini waxes are painful enough, and are too much maintenance as it is. You think that waxing isn't so much to endure? Get your back waxed once in a while. Hurts, doesn't it?
Some say it's what's on the inside that counts. Don’t you think that if that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders?
Things you don't want to hear from a woman the first time she sees you naked:
Just how MANY times were you circumcised?
If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!
On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.
I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of those?
I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that long!
Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't it?
Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?
That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?
The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "For tomorrow’s trip we need two things - a punt and a canoe," he said. When he arrived the next day, there was a slutty looking woman waiting for him with the guide at the fishing lodge. "What’s with the tart?" he asked his guide. "Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get the first item, but what in the hell is a panoe?"
Paddy the Newfie is out fishing with his row boat when his oars get knocked overboard and, try as he might he can’t get them. He is stranded out in the middle of the lake with no way to paddle to shore. After about 2 hours he sees Mike in another row boat with two women in it. Paddy yells, "Mike, can I borrow one of your oars?" Mike yells back "They're not whores... they're me sisters."
During a lull in the rehearsal the Redneck groom and Billy Bob the best man, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Billy Bob, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've screwed every woman in this room." To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had ‘em all!"
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - foreploy
Jeff cruises the singles bars every Friday and Saturday nite, and he runs a great line. He had truly become the master of foreploy.DEFINITION: Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the drywall is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?" "Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.
While taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, the nurse asked how much she weighed. "I really don't know," she said. "Well, more or less," the nurse prompted. "More, I guess," she answered sadly.
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir". "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; And being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," He preached, and he preached, like he'd never preached before: From Genesis all the way to Revelation. As he closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car, he felt he had done his duty for the homeless man, and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another "I ain't never seen anything like this before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Sign in the window of Levy's Carpet Store
USE OUR EASY CREDIT PLAN.100% DOWN.NOTHING TO PAY EACH MONTH
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?" "I'm 40 years old, your Honour." The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?" "I'm 40 years old, your Honour," answered Sadie again. "Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're over 60." "But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband." "Why not?" asked the judge. "You call that living?" replied Sadie.
For those with a bissel Yiddish: The grandfather of a Jewish university student was depressed over the loss of his wife, so despite that the grandfather was a little hard-of-hearing and his command of English was not great, his grandson invited him to spend some time on campus with him. One afternoon the young man tells his grandfather that they are attending a special lecture to be presented by the world's outstanding expert on the subject of the rare laughing hyena."A vus?" asked the grandfather. "A laughing hyena ... a khayeh vus lakht." "Azoy," exclaims the old man doubtingly, puzzled by such a phenomenon, but he goes along. The lecture is rather boring, but occasionally the old man catches something which to him seems interesting, especially when the expert refers to statistical data."The laughing hyena urinates once a week," the expert declares."Voos, voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man."Di khayeh voos lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokh." "Azoy!" exclaims the old man. "The laughing hyena defecates once a month," explains the lecturer. "Vooz, voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man. "Di khayeh voos lakht kahkt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh." "Azoy!" exclaims the old man. "The laughing hyena has sexual relations once a year," suggests the lecturer. "Voos zoogt eyer?" asks the old man. "Eyer zoogt az di khayeh vus lakht trent ayn moohl a yooer." After a moment the puzzled old man said, "Az di khayeh voos lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht, kakt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh, und trent ayn moohl a yoeor ... far voos lakht er?"
Friday Funnies February 10 06
Well, let’s first dispense with the Valentine’s Day Crap (Holy Shit, did I say that out loud?)
Are you all ready for Valentine's Day? It's only a few days away. According to a new survey, 27% of people believe that Valentine's Day is a fake holiday made up by card companies and florists. The other 73% are women. - Jay Leno
SIGNS YOU'VE FORGOTTEN VALENTINE'S DAY
This topic comes as a surprise to you.
Your wife has had a deadbolt installed on her nightgown.
You don't remember your shower radio having a 220-volt feeder.
Instead of a kiss, your girlfriend greets you with a hearty kick to the groin.
You've got a divot in your head from the new golf club your wife gave you.
You've got a red mark on your face that bears a striking resemblance to the shape of your girlfriend's hand.
You're so caught up in online porn that time has no meaning whatsoever.
You've got a high-heel sticking out of your ass.
Cupid flips you the bird.
Your intern won't even TALK to you.
Your wife meets you at the door with a shotgun and says, "So where's my flowers?" Then you hear … Click.
As you walk in the door you hear your wife on the phone saying, "If he knows what's good for him he will", and you have no idea what she is talking about but you cringe just thinking of what you are in for.
What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day? " I find you very attractive."
Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because kidneys would look pretty gross!
What did one light bulb say to the other? "I love you a whole watt!"
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the bat say to his Valentine? "You're fun to hang around with."
What did one pickle say to the other? "Valentine, you mean a great dill to me!"
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love!
What did the elephant say to his Valentine? "I love you a ton!"
What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of love? A stupid cupid!
Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine? She didn't suit his taste!
The chicken choker’s Valentine:
Roses are red,Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,But I'm thinking of you.
As Valentine’s Day is approaching, a talk show had a show on romance where a young woman was explaining what her boyfriend had done to make her go weak at the knees. My wife turned and asked, me, "What would you do to make my knees go weak?" I said, "I could stand on your shoulders."
OK, enough already with Valentine’s Day - on with the regular drivel!
A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a Country Music Award. - Jay Leno
According to a new survey, the number one thing women would do if they had unlimited hours is to read, while men said "passionate sex." Considering the way most men make love, there's no reason why most couples shouldn't be able to do both those things at once. - Jake Novak
A New Jersey man claims penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because it thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis. - Jake Novak
If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
The day I started my new job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked Married. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
Now maybe it’s old age or lactose intolerance but I do seem to have a bit more flatulence lately. After a recent outburst, my wife complained bitterly. I tried to justify my actions by saying it’s a sign of love if you feel comfortable enough to fart in front of a person. My wife said then that she must be adored. Just as I was sounding my love once more, I said, "Actually, you are worshipped."
A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewellery store window. "wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. "No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "what I'd give to own that!" she said. "Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend. "For crissakes," the skinhead moaned. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
I said to my wife, "Do you know what GST stands for?" She says, "No." I said, "It means 'Good Sex Tonight'." She said, "Oh, really." I said, "Yeah, what are my chances?" She said, "About 7%." I said, “OH SURE AND NOW THE CONSERVATIVES WANT TO REDUCE IT BY 1%!”
For Immediate Release:Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of February12, 2006.The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years."We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current levelof cash outlay," Reynolds noted.Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of February12, 2006.Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but withno health coverage or other benefits.It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."A Congressional spokesperson noted that, while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all."We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a 2-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal- Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.Another possibility is Bush's reenlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but, should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX, for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position" "I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front."
What's a blondes favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme
Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like? She finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Wife to bill-paying husband: "I slashed expenses last month. Everything was charged on one credit card so that it will cost only one stamp to pay all of our bills."
I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.
We older men are led to believe that as we mature we become even more attractive, in our unique, distinguished appearance. Apparently women find us overwhelmingly seductive and can't help themselves. My wife adds that we also become a lot more gullible and given to fantasy!
Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah cries, "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Leah. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer.
Are you all ready for Valentine's Day? It's only a few days away. According to a new survey, 27% of people believe that Valentine's Day is a fake holiday made up by card companies and florists. The other 73% are women. - Jay Leno
SIGNS YOU'VE FORGOTTEN VALENTINE'S DAY
This topic comes as a surprise to you.
Your wife has had a deadbolt installed on her nightgown.
You don't remember your shower radio having a 220-volt feeder.
Instead of a kiss, your girlfriend greets you with a hearty kick to the groin.
You've got a divot in your head from the new golf club your wife gave you.
You've got a red mark on your face that bears a striking resemblance to the shape of your girlfriend's hand.
You're so caught up in online porn that time has no meaning whatsoever.
You've got a high-heel sticking out of your ass.
Cupid flips you the bird.
Your intern won't even TALK to you.
Your wife meets you at the door with a shotgun and says, "So where's my flowers?" Then you hear … Click.
As you walk in the door you hear your wife on the phone saying, "If he knows what's good for him he will", and you have no idea what she is talking about but you cringe just thinking of what you are in for.
What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day? " I find you very attractive."
Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because kidneys would look pretty gross!
What did one light bulb say to the other? "I love you a whole watt!"
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the bat say to his Valentine? "You're fun to hang around with."
What did one pickle say to the other? "Valentine, you mean a great dill to me!"
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love!
What did the elephant say to his Valentine? "I love you a ton!"
What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of love? A stupid cupid!
Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine? She didn't suit his taste!
The chicken choker’s Valentine:
Roses are red,Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,But I'm thinking of you.
As Valentine’s Day is approaching, a talk show had a show on romance where a young woman was explaining what her boyfriend had done to make her go weak at the knees. My wife turned and asked, me, "What would you do to make my knees go weak?" I said, "I could stand on your shoulders."
OK, enough already with Valentine’s Day - on with the regular drivel!
A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a Country Music Award. - Jay Leno
According to a new survey, the number one thing women would do if they had unlimited hours is to read, while men said "passionate sex." Considering the way most men make love, there's no reason why most couples shouldn't be able to do both those things at once. - Jake Novak
A New Jersey man claims penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because it thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis. - Jake Novak
If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
The day I started my new job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked Married. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
Now maybe it’s old age or lactose intolerance but I do seem to have a bit more flatulence lately. After a recent outburst, my wife complained bitterly. I tried to justify my actions by saying it’s a sign of love if you feel comfortable enough to fart in front of a person. My wife said then that she must be adored. Just as I was sounding my love once more, I said, "Actually, you are worshipped."
A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewellery store window. "wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. "No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "what I'd give to own that!" she said. "Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend. "For crissakes," the skinhead moaned. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
I said to my wife, "Do you know what GST stands for?" She says, "No." I said, "It means 'Good Sex Tonight'." She said, "Oh, really." I said, "Yeah, what are my chances?" She said, "About 7%." I said, “OH SURE AND NOW THE CONSERVATIVES WANT TO REDUCE IT BY 1%!”
For Immediate Release:Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of February12, 2006.The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years."We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current levelof cash outlay," Reynolds noted.Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of February12, 2006.Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but withno health coverage or other benefits.It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."A Congressional spokesperson noted that, while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all."We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a 2-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal- Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.Another possibility is Bush's reenlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but, should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX, for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position" "I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front."
What's a blondes favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme
Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like? She finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Wife to bill-paying husband: "I slashed expenses last month. Everything was charged on one credit card so that it will cost only one stamp to pay all of our bills."
I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.
We older men are led to believe that as we mature we become even more attractive, in our unique, distinguished appearance. Apparently women find us overwhelmingly seductive and can't help themselves. My wife adds that we also become a lot more gullible and given to fantasy!
Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah cries, "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Leah. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer.
Friday Funnies February 3 06
On Groundhog Day I saw my own shadow – looks like 6 more weeks of diet.
Fifteen people in Los Angeles have been arrested for counterfeiting after one of them used phony one hundred dollar bills to pay for a three-hour lap dance. Three hours?! That's not a lap dance! In L.A., that's a long-term relationship! - Jay Leno
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
If a woman has large hands that turn you off, focus your eyes on something else, like, say, her Adam's apple.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
At a friend’s for dinner I was passed a plate of cow tongue. I politely declined saying I wouldn’t eat anything that came out of an animals mouth. Our host responded, "Well, pass him the eggs then."
A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed. He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted. After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!"
Understanding American Newspapers:
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics displayed in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose families used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarves who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of the above is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
After many years of observation, I’ve come to the conclusion that life is all about ass! You are either: covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.
The blonde told her girlfriend how romantic her new boyfriend was. She said he speaks to me, he begins by saying 'Fair Lady'." Her brunette friend quipped, "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver?!"
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...uh... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my Heavens! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR:
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Creme opened a shop in my neighbourhood.!Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently.But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.
Margaret, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette. The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Margaret! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?" "What?" said Margaret. "You got something better to do after sex?"
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat!"
One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker's crotch. He quickly quipped, "Next time, why don't you take me out for dinner and a movie first?"
One night last summer as I was trying to fall asleep one little mosquito kept coming around to my ear making a sound like “Zzzzzzzzzt, zzzzzzzt!” I tried to cover my ears but the little devil was very persistent and just as I was about to doze off he would return. After about an hour of this, I finally got out of bed, turned on the light and caught the mosquito in my hand. I wanted revenge, but the sight of the poor little fellow in my hand wouldn’t let me squish him. In fact, I started singing him a lullaby, “Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep dear mosquito." After only a couple of verses, the cute little fellow started to fall into a deep sleep in my hands. That’s when I leaned in very close and whispered, “Zzzzzzzzzt, zzzzzzzt!
Game show banter:
1. On the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the wife where the most unusual place they had ever had sex was. Response: "That's got to be up the butt, Bob."
2. On Password, the secret word was "deer": The celebrity gave the clue "DOE". The black contestant responded "KNOB".
3. The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword. Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker." Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."
Built at a cost of millions of manufacturing jobs and an untold number of small local businesses, there is nary a point in God's America that isn't within screaming distance of the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China. Though it continues to spread across the landscape like some unstoppable fungus from your grandparents' worst nightmares, the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China is already the only retail outlet visible from outer space. Economic experts have predicted that by the year 2015, fully three-quarters of the nation's redneck workforce will be employed by the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China.
Here are some New Age Corporate and Investment terms:
CEO - chief embezzlement officer.
CFO - corporate fraud officer.
P/E - parole entitlement.
EPS - eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Someone who has owned equities for the last two years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital.
Church Bumper Stickers:A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the Church for a face-lift.
Be ye fishers of men - you catch them & He'll clean them.
Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to Church.
Exercise daily - walk with the Lord.
Give God what's right - not what's left.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
He who angers you controls you.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you.
Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
The Church is prayer-conditioned.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
We don't change God's message - His message changes us.
When God ordains, He sustains.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
A young Jewish woman I know is five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After she had a minor accident, her mother, Rebecca, accompanied her to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for the young lady’s height and weight, and she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, her mother leaned over to her. "Sarah, my love," she said, "From your lips to G-d's ears, but for now, remember, this is NOT the Internet."
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes!"
Fifteen people in Los Angeles have been arrested for counterfeiting after one of them used phony one hundred dollar bills to pay for a three-hour lap dance. Three hours?! That's not a lap dance! In L.A., that's a long-term relationship! - Jay Leno
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
If a woman has large hands that turn you off, focus your eyes on something else, like, say, her Adam's apple.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
At a friend’s for dinner I was passed a plate of cow tongue. I politely declined saying I wouldn’t eat anything that came out of an animals mouth. Our host responded, "Well, pass him the eggs then."
A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed. He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted. After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!"
Understanding American Newspapers:
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics displayed in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose families used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarves who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of the above is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
After many years of observation, I’ve come to the conclusion that life is all about ass! You are either: covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.
The blonde told her girlfriend how romantic her new boyfriend was. She said he speaks to me, he begins by saying 'Fair Lady'." Her brunette friend quipped, "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver?!"
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...uh... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my Heavens! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR:
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Creme opened a shop in my neighbourhood.!Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently.But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.
Margaret, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette. The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Margaret! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?" "What?" said Margaret. "You got something better to do after sex?"
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat!"
One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker's crotch. He quickly quipped, "Next time, why don't you take me out for dinner and a movie first?"
One night last summer as I was trying to fall asleep one little mosquito kept coming around to my ear making a sound like “Zzzzzzzzzt, zzzzzzzt!” I tried to cover my ears but the little devil was very persistent and just as I was about to doze off he would return. After about an hour of this, I finally got out of bed, turned on the light and caught the mosquito in my hand. I wanted revenge, but the sight of the poor little fellow in my hand wouldn’t let me squish him. In fact, I started singing him a lullaby, “Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep dear mosquito." After only a couple of verses, the cute little fellow started to fall into a deep sleep in my hands. That’s when I leaned in very close and whispered, “Zzzzzzzzzt, zzzzzzzt!
Game show banter:
1. On the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the wife where the most unusual place they had ever had sex was. Response: "That's got to be up the butt, Bob."
2. On Password, the secret word was "deer": The celebrity gave the clue "DOE". The black contestant responded "KNOB".
3. The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword. Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker." Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."
Built at a cost of millions of manufacturing jobs and an untold number of small local businesses, there is nary a point in God's America that isn't within screaming distance of the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China. Though it continues to spread across the landscape like some unstoppable fungus from your grandparents' worst nightmares, the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China is already the only retail outlet visible from outer space. Economic experts have predicted that by the year 2015, fully three-quarters of the nation's redneck workforce will be employed by the Great Wal-Mart of (Made in) China.
Here are some New Age Corporate and Investment terms:
CEO - chief embezzlement officer.
CFO - corporate fraud officer.
P/E - parole entitlement.
EPS - eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Someone who has owned equities for the last two years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital.
Church Bumper Stickers:A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the Church for a face-lift.
Be ye fishers of men - you catch them & He'll clean them.
Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to Church.
Exercise daily - walk with the Lord.
Give God what's right - not what's left.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
He who angers you controls you.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you.
Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
The Church is prayer-conditioned.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
We don't change God's message - His message changes us.
When God ordains, He sustains.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
A young Jewish woman I know is five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After she had a minor accident, her mother, Rebecca, accompanied her to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for the young lady’s height and weight, and she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, her mother leaned over to her. "Sarah, my love," she said, "From your lips to G-d's ears, but for now, remember, this is NOT the Internet."
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes!"
Friday Funnies January 27 06
"According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be..." -Jay Leno
A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise. - Jay Leno
"According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men." - Jay Leno
Federal health officials here in America are looking into reports that anti-impotence drugs like Viagra and Cialis can cause eye damage. Let me tell you something... If you're poking yourself in the eye, you're taking way too many! - Jay Leno
It's been reported that if General Motors wants to be profitable again, they're going to have to sell the division that makes the Hummer. Experts say the most likely buyer is a wealthy corporation with a small penis. - Conan O'Brien
The Levi's company announced they will make a line of blue jeans that have built-in docking station for an iPod music player. The built-in docking station is called a "pocket." - Conan O'Brien
Paris Hilton had to testify in a lawsuit recently and at one point the attorney had to explain to Paris the difference between her left and her right. Paris explained, "I don't know left and right, I only know top and bottom." - Conan O'Brien
Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time. - Jeremy Hardy
They say that half of all marriages end in divorce. That's really not as bad as it sounds since the other half end in death.
A friend of mine had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause--hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability--returned. At the drugstore, she found herself telling the pharmacist all about her problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"
Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying.
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.
Business Marketing - A female perspective:
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed"That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"That's Junk Mail.
People who give up smoking are a lot like people spending their first day at a nudist colony - they aren't quite sure what to do with their hands.
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: Are they twins? Puzzled, the woman replies: No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why do you ask? The man replies: - No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice.
A love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column. "Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion." "You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"
A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."
A girl I know who is a lesbian has recently become a vegetarian as well. I guess she’s decided to avoid meat of any kind!
Liverpool, England 25-Jan-2006 [JP]: The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of Euros worth of high-tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Bud, 12 wraps of speed, and some photos of David Coulthard's girlfriend in the shower.
How is it that the same people who perform oral sex on each other, shy away from sharing the same toothbrush?
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.
A Rubix cube and a penis have something in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.
A middle-aged divorcee was lamenting to a girlfriend, “I’m starting to think there aren’t any nice men out there! Her friend quickly rebuffed, ”Of course, there are! You'll meet somebody!” “The divorce said, ”Yeah? When? When I'm in my "golden years?” Her friend said, “Maybe.. then your hearts will beat as one.” The divorcee opined, ”Yeah, right.. as long as we synchronize our pacemakers!”
A tough old Albertan Cowboy told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
In an effort to reduce its overhead and increase its profitability ... "for the well-being of our members", North Carolina's Medicaid program has cut circumcision from its coverage. Not to leave anyone without choice, the North Carolina Moyel's Association has reportedly stepped in and offered to take care of any loose ends.
The Top Ways Courts Would Be Different if All Judges Were Jewish Mothers
21. No more 5-4 decisions: we'll talk this out until we agree.
20. Yiddish replaces Latin in all opinions.
19. "I have a question for juror #4. Can I ask you, young lady, are you married? Because I have such a son for you!"
18. "Stop already with this discussion of oral sex. It's dirty, dirty, dirty!"
17. "Look at that face! How can a nice boy like him be guilty?"
16. "Before you start your opening, counselor, you look like you haven't eaten in weeks! Have a latke!"
15. Instead of using "Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!" bailiffs would call court to order with "Oy Vey! Oy Vey! Oy Vey! It's now that you should rise."
14.Curtains on the jury box and slip covers on the chairs.
13. "Guilty? You're pleading Guilty? Let me tell YOU something, 'Mr. Guilty!' You should be pleading guilty, what with all I've been through. Why, if your father were alive, God rest his soul, he would give you such a smack..."
12. No contempt rulings - just wash his mouth out with soap.
11. "Enough with the objections already! And stand up straight-your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that she ever sees much of you anymore, I'll bet. And another thing...."
10. Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA, come back to my chambers and we'll talk this out over a nice hot cup.
9. "I award you a million dollars and you can't even thank me? I take it back!"
8. "Fine, go have your little conference with your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench, it'll be fine."
7. Everyone would be home on time for dinner.
6. If you don't try the chicken soup, it's five days in the slammer for contempt.
5. Justice isn't blind - she's just sitting in the dark, unloved, like a dog.
4. Defendants would all be acquitted, but they'd all be made to feel guilty.
3. "That's not admissible? Oy! Who knew?"
2. "Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty."
and the Number 1 Way Courts Would Be Different if all Judges Were Jewish Mothers...
1. "Oh, you want to object, do you? You don't think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel, Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I'll put it on the desk - right next to my heart. No, go ahead, take it. You're right, I'm just a senile old woman and should probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes her room, why don't you give her a call? But really, I shouldn't have to remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don't love her anymore, either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue?Overruled."
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
On her 70th birthday, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah and this is what she had to say:"
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.""
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.""
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.""
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life.""
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.""
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.""
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.""
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.""
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.""
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.""
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise. - Jay Leno
"According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men." - Jay Leno
Federal health officials here in America are looking into reports that anti-impotence drugs like Viagra and Cialis can cause eye damage. Let me tell you something... If you're poking yourself in the eye, you're taking way too many! - Jay Leno
It's been reported that if General Motors wants to be profitable again, they're going to have to sell the division that makes the Hummer. Experts say the most likely buyer is a wealthy corporation with a small penis. - Conan O'Brien
The Levi's company announced they will make a line of blue jeans that have built-in docking station for an iPod music player. The built-in docking station is called a "pocket." - Conan O'Brien
Paris Hilton had to testify in a lawsuit recently and at one point the attorney had to explain to Paris the difference between her left and her right. Paris explained, "I don't know left and right, I only know top and bottom." - Conan O'Brien
Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time. - Jeremy Hardy
They say that half of all marriages end in divorce. That's really not as bad as it sounds since the other half end in death.
A friend of mine had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause--hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability--returned. At the drugstore, she found herself telling the pharmacist all about her problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"
Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying.
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.
Business Marketing - A female perspective:
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed"That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"That's Junk Mail.
People who give up smoking are a lot like people spending their first day at a nudist colony - they aren't quite sure what to do with their hands.
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: Are they twins? Puzzled, the woman replies: No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why do you ask? The man replies: - No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice.
A love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column. "Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion." "You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"
A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."
A girl I know who is a lesbian has recently become a vegetarian as well. I guess she’s decided to avoid meat of any kind!
Liverpool, England 25-Jan-2006 [JP]: The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of Euros worth of high-tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Bud, 12 wraps of speed, and some photos of David Coulthard's girlfriend in the shower.
How is it that the same people who perform oral sex on each other, shy away from sharing the same toothbrush?
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.
A Rubix cube and a penis have something in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.
A middle-aged divorcee was lamenting to a girlfriend, “I’m starting to think there aren’t any nice men out there! Her friend quickly rebuffed, ”Of course, there are! You'll meet somebody!” “The divorce said, ”Yeah? When? When I'm in my "golden years?” Her friend said, “Maybe.. then your hearts will beat as one.” The divorcee opined, ”Yeah, right.. as long as we synchronize our pacemakers!”
A tough old Albertan Cowboy told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
In an effort to reduce its overhead and increase its profitability ... "for the well-being of our members", North Carolina's Medicaid program has cut circumcision from its coverage. Not to leave anyone without choice, the North Carolina Moyel's Association has reportedly stepped in and offered to take care of any loose ends.
The Top Ways Courts Would Be Different if All Judges Were Jewish Mothers
21. No more 5-4 decisions: we'll talk this out until we agree.
20. Yiddish replaces Latin in all opinions.
19. "I have a question for juror #4. Can I ask you, young lady, are you married? Because I have such a son for you!"
18. "Stop already with this discussion of oral sex. It's dirty, dirty, dirty!"
17. "Look at that face! How can a nice boy like him be guilty?"
16. "Before you start your opening, counselor, you look like you haven't eaten in weeks! Have a latke!"
15. Instead of using "Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!" bailiffs would call court to order with "Oy Vey! Oy Vey! Oy Vey! It's now that you should rise."
14.Curtains on the jury box and slip covers on the chairs.
13. "Guilty? You're pleading Guilty? Let me tell YOU something, 'Mr. Guilty!' You should be pleading guilty, what with all I've been through. Why, if your father were alive, God rest his soul, he would give you such a smack..."
12. No contempt rulings - just wash his mouth out with soap.
11. "Enough with the objections already! And stand up straight-your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that she ever sees much of you anymore, I'll bet. And another thing...."
10. Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA, come back to my chambers and we'll talk this out over a nice hot cup.
9. "I award you a million dollars and you can't even thank me? I take it back!"
8. "Fine, go have your little conference with your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench, it'll be fine."
7. Everyone would be home on time for dinner.
6. If you don't try the chicken soup, it's five days in the slammer for contempt.
5. Justice isn't blind - she's just sitting in the dark, unloved, like a dog.
4. Defendants would all be acquitted, but they'd all be made to feel guilty.
3. "That's not admissible? Oy! Who knew?"
2. "Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty."
and the Number 1 Way Courts Would Be Different if all Judges Were Jewish Mothers...
1. "Oh, you want to object, do you? You don't think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel, Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I'll put it on the desk - right next to my heart. No, go ahead, take it. You're right, I'm just a senile old woman and should probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes her room, why don't you give her a call? But really, I shouldn't have to remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don't love her anymore, either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue?Overruled."
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
On her 70th birthday, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah and this is what she had to say:"
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.""
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.""
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.""
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life.""
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.""
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.""
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.""
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.""
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.""
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.""
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Friday Funnies January 20 08
Personal trainers have developed a new workout which involves working the abs, calves, legs and ankles by walking in stiletto heels for 45 minutes. It's called 'Sweating with the Crack Hos.' - Jay Leno
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. - Jay Leno
A movie theater in Utah cancelled a showing of "Brokeback Mountain" claiming it offended community standards. One Utah man said the gay cowboy movie was so offensive it upset all twenty of his wives. - Alex Kaseberg
A new study shows that 3.5 million of the world's Jews descended from just four women who lived about 2,000 years ago. Nothing much is known about the women, except they each claimed to have 3.5 million reasons to complain and make everyone feel guilty. - Jake Novak
Canadian Election Humour:
Top 10 reasons how you can tell it's a Liberal Candidate...
10) They are first in line at the Unemployment Office
9) They are using the back of their lawn signs to beg for money
8) A patronage appointment to them means they are the head car washer at your local car wash
7) They are glad they didn't push through new immigration quota's cause the job market is tighter now than it was 11 years ago
6) The initials M.P's now means... Money Please?
5) They have bad dreams of the Conservatives sending the military into the streets...in Nunavit...go figure?
4) They make a trade to give back Belinda Stronach in exchange for 4 more seats in the House of Commons
3) Sheila Copps actually makes sense as the next Liberal Leader...wait a moment...no she doesn't...
2) Not even J.C. can save them now...
1) and the number one reason you can tell it's a Liberal Candidate is...you may never see them ever again...
Top 10 reasons you know you are a Conservative Candidate...
10) You've finally got an invitation to the Prime Ministers House
9) Now you can find out what it's like to lie, cheat and steal from the Canadian voting public
8) Patronage isn't just about going to Billy-Bobs Hardware store anymore...
7) Ralph Klein actually makes sense
6) You remember the glory days of Brian Mulroney...let's see there were a total of 4 of them...
5) You send a singing telegram to Belinda Stronach...and they sing..."Who's sorry now"
4) You don't have to put up with seeing Steven Harper in a Cowboy outfit for another 4 years...
3) Inwardly...you have no clue what to do...
2) Secretly your kinda happy cause now maybe Team Canada can add Ken Dryden to the team at the Olympics
And the number one reason you know you’re a conservative candidate is...
You have worked a deal with all 14 guys in the military to march on Parliament Hill...I mean what the heck eh you have a majority?
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's imminent wedding. Angus says, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding." Jock says, "Och, aye? What's the tartan?" Angus replies, "Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."
A cattle rancher was in his barn trying to assist one of his cows giving birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed, watching the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm now going to have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll try and answer." When everything was over, the Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Well just one, Dad" gasped the lad, with his eyes still like saucers. "Just how fast was that calf going when it ran into the cow's ass?"
If large-breasted women work at Hooters, then where do one-legged women work? Why, The International House Of Pancakes of course! (Get it? IHOP!)
Last week my wife and I went to an art gallery. We saw a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. My wife didn't like it and moved on but I kept standing there and looking. When she realised I hadn’t gone on with her, my wife came back and said, "What are you waiting for?" I replied, "Autumn."
Within two years women will be able to get breast enhancement done on their lunch hour. You get turned down for a raise in the morning. In the afternoon you can go in and try again.
How Is This For Depressing ?
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Lena Horne 88
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 63
Angie Dickenson 74
Joan Collins 68
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Julie Newmar 72Kim Novak 72
Debbie Reynolds 73
Jane Russell 84
Nancy Sinatra 65
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
It really is a shame - THEY got old and we didn't.
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit. However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "I'm done already. I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse."
Want to know how to make Holy Water? Just take a cup of water and boil the hell out of it!
What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice? A religious movement.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant sfingers.
Nobody's perfect......so why practice?
IDLE THOUGHTS
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once ... or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Computer Nerd T-Shirt Philosophy:
<-------- The information went data way --------
2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Best file compression around: "DEL. = 100% COMPRESSION
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Definition of an UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, Put New Ones
In.E Pluribus ModemError:
Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.
Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
Press any key to continue or any OTHER key to quit...
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!
"Who's General Failure & why is he reading My Disk?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Recently, I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the health of it"; and "Support organic farmers." Where was it that I saw this car you ask? It was in front of me at a McDonald's drive-through.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue? and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake? Where did the glue go? You know darned well where it went! That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
My neighbour was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as she continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally she got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," she said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
"I'm into Jewish bondage...that's having your money tied up in an IRA account."
A devout Jewish businessman, driven crazy by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."
Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew. When their son was refused admittance to a "restricted" country club, Groucho sent the club a telegram. "Since my little son is only half-Jewish, would it be all right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"
A reporter interviewing a rabbi after a bolt of lightning struck the synagogue roof and sent it crashing down into ruins, asked "Rabbi, what was your reaction when you saw this terrible devastation?" "My first reaction?" The Rabbi chuckled. "I thought, thank goodness we took out insurance against acts of God."
God Said No
I asked God to take away my habit.God said, No.It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.God said, No.His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary
I asked God to grant me patience.God said, No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations;It isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.I asked God to spare me pain.God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly caresAnd brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.God said, No. You must grow on your own! ,But I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.God said, No.I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. - Jay Leno
A movie theater in Utah cancelled a showing of "Brokeback Mountain" claiming it offended community standards. One Utah man said the gay cowboy movie was so offensive it upset all twenty of his wives. - Alex Kaseberg
A new study shows that 3.5 million of the world's Jews descended from just four women who lived about 2,000 years ago. Nothing much is known about the women, except they each claimed to have 3.5 million reasons to complain and make everyone feel guilty. - Jake Novak
Canadian Election Humour:
Top 10 reasons how you can tell it's a Liberal Candidate...
10) They are first in line at the Unemployment Office
9) They are using the back of their lawn signs to beg for money
8) A patronage appointment to them means they are the head car washer at your local car wash
7) They are glad they didn't push through new immigration quota's cause the job market is tighter now than it was 11 years ago
6) The initials M.P's now means... Money Please?
5) They have bad dreams of the Conservatives sending the military into the streets...in Nunavit...go figure?
4) They make a trade to give back Belinda Stronach in exchange for 4 more seats in the House of Commons
3) Sheila Copps actually makes sense as the next Liberal Leader...wait a moment...no she doesn't...
2) Not even J.C. can save them now...
1) and the number one reason you can tell it's a Liberal Candidate is...you may never see them ever again...
Top 10 reasons you know you are a Conservative Candidate...
10) You've finally got an invitation to the Prime Ministers House
9) Now you can find out what it's like to lie, cheat and steal from the Canadian voting public
8) Patronage isn't just about going to Billy-Bobs Hardware store anymore...
7) Ralph Klein actually makes sense
6) You remember the glory days of Brian Mulroney...let's see there were a total of 4 of them...
5) You send a singing telegram to Belinda Stronach...and they sing..."Who's sorry now"
4) You don't have to put up with seeing Steven Harper in a Cowboy outfit for another 4 years...
3) Inwardly...you have no clue what to do...
2) Secretly your kinda happy cause now maybe Team Canada can add Ken Dryden to the team at the Olympics
And the number one reason you know you’re a conservative candidate is...
You have worked a deal with all 14 guys in the military to march on Parliament Hill...I mean what the heck eh you have a majority?
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's imminent wedding. Angus says, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding." Jock says, "Och, aye? What's the tartan?" Angus replies, "Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."
A cattle rancher was in his barn trying to assist one of his cows giving birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed, watching the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm now going to have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll try and answer." When everything was over, the Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Well just one, Dad" gasped the lad, with his eyes still like saucers. "Just how fast was that calf going when it ran into the cow's ass?"
If large-breasted women work at Hooters, then where do one-legged women work? Why, The International House Of Pancakes of course! (Get it? IHOP!)
Last week my wife and I went to an art gallery. We saw a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. My wife didn't like it and moved on but I kept standing there and looking. When she realised I hadn’t gone on with her, my wife came back and said, "What are you waiting for?" I replied, "Autumn."
Within two years women will be able to get breast enhancement done on their lunch hour. You get turned down for a raise in the morning. In the afternoon you can go in and try again.
How Is This For Depressing ?
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Lena Horne 88
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 63
Angie Dickenson 74
Joan Collins 68
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Julie Newmar 72Kim Novak 72
Debbie Reynolds 73
Jane Russell 84
Nancy Sinatra 65
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
It really is a shame - THEY got old and we didn't.
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit. However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "I'm done already. I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse."
Want to know how to make Holy Water? Just take a cup of water and boil the hell out of it!
What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice? A religious movement.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant sfingers.
Nobody's perfect......so why practice?
IDLE THOUGHTS
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once ... or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Computer Nerd T-Shirt Philosophy:
<-------- The information went data way --------
2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Best file compression around: "DEL. = 100% COMPRESSION
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Definition of an UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, Put New Ones
In.E Pluribus ModemError:
Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.
Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
Press any key to continue or any OTHER key to quit...
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!
"Who's General Failure & why is he reading My Disk?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Recently, I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the health of it"; and "Support organic farmers." Where was it that I saw this car you ask? It was in front of me at a McDonald's drive-through.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue? and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake? Where did the glue go? You know darned well where it went! That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
My neighbour was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as she continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally she got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," she said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
"I'm into Jewish bondage...that's having your money tied up in an IRA account."
A devout Jewish businessman, driven crazy by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."
Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew. When their son was refused admittance to a "restricted" country club, Groucho sent the club a telegram. "Since my little son is only half-Jewish, would it be all right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"
A reporter interviewing a rabbi after a bolt of lightning struck the synagogue roof and sent it crashing down into ruins, asked "Rabbi, what was your reaction when you saw this terrible devastation?" "My first reaction?" The Rabbi chuckled. "I thought, thank goodness we took out insurance against acts of God."
God Said No
I asked God to take away my habit.God said, No.It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.God said, No.His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary
I asked God to grant me patience.God said, No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations;It isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.I asked God to spare me pain.God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly caresAnd brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.God said, No. You must grow on your own! ,But I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.God said, No.I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.
Friday Funnies January 13 08
May you never suffer from triskaidekaphobia on this fine Friday the 13th! Oops, I think my computer just crashed!
Some good news... Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger. - Jay Leno
The Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Sam Alito. Democrats wants to know his position on privacy; Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery. - Jay Leno
A movie theatre in Utah abruptly cancelled a screening of the movie Brokeback Mountain. They felt it was inappropriate for the community standards. Instead, they ran Deliverance.. - Jay Leno
On this date in 1948 pioneer sex researcher Alfred Kinsey first announced that most men reached sexual climax within two and a half minutes. Which came as a big surprise to everyone -- except women. - Jay Leno
Texas quarterback Vince Young was pretty amazing! He ran through that Trojan defense like there was a giant hole in it. And as any guy can tell you, there is nothing worse than a trojan with a giant hole in it! - Jay Leno
A judge ruled last week that mooning is legal in Maryland. Though that's not really a problem because a lot of people who work in Washington live in Maryland and they're more concerned with covering their asses than showing them. - Jay Leno
A study shows women and men have different uses for the internet. Women use it more for e-mail and information and support for health and personal problems. Like how to keep your husband from spending all his time looking up internet porn. Men use the internet to try to find ways to hide any traces of the porn they have been looking at online. - Jim Barach
Casinos have reopened along Mississippi's Katrina-ravaged Gulf Coast. Talk about progress. People who lost most everything in the storm can now go there and lose everything else. - Alan Ray
I think will be able to count myself as an adult the day that I am able to hear a news story about "Jack Abramoff" without wondering who Abram is and giggling.
There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.
What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
So I said to my wife,"I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless." She replied,"Great idea ! And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out, see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."
How to install a wireless security system: Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD - MIRAGE A TROIS This was the night Jeff was waiting for - his first mirage á trois. DEFINITION: Act of having sex with TWO imaginary people.
Trying to control her dry hair, my wife treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times. That night when we went to bed, she leaned over to me and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" Sniffing her, I said, "No. Do I smell like Popeye?"
A lovely young thing was out at a singles bar and was approached by a well known Casanova. "How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in her ear. "I'm afraid,"she said, "That my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes you from such erotic confrontation." "I don't get it," he said. "Right !! " she replied.
While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, I noticed a shop sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store. All of the windows were blacked out, and over the door was a sign that proudly declared: "Welcome to Kink-o's. We have NOTHING to do with office supplies."
What is worse than a piano out of tune? An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?""Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
You know you are getting old when your old hangouts used to be the sports bar and the coffee shop and now it's the pharmacy and the bathroom.
So, my friend Harry asked me if I made any New Year's resolutions like he did. I said, Nope! I'm gonna use the same ones I made last year. Harry protested, You can't do that! I said, Why not? I never used them; they're just like brand new!
There is now a company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and compresses the carbon into a blue diamond. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "family jewels."
The company I work for has always had problems with interoffice communications. For instance, last week the Personnel Department sent around a memo on sexual harassment. Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.
A couple went to a marriage counselor for help. After listening to them for about half an hour, the counselor suggested, "Well to start with, it might help if you stopped referring to each other as "Needle Dick" and "Ball Breaking Bitch."
A fellow laments to a friend that after 10 years of marriage sex with his wife is down to three times a year. His friend said, “I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."
Prince Charles - Marriage Warning
YEAR: 1981.
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!
According to a Conan O’Brien skit, Governor Arnold Scwartzenegger is just sick and tired of all the liberties that are being extended to gays these days including gay marriage. He is especially incensed that gays are taking liberties with the Bible. He just wants all gays to know that it’s EXODUS, not ‘Look at Rex’s Ass’ and DEUTERONOMY, not ‘Do It To Me Rodney’
After many bedtime evenings of teaching Katie to say the Lord’s Prayer, she finally built up the courage to say it alone: “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from E-mail.”
A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed. "Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him. "Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked. "You don't want to become a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the shul president!"
It seems this young (but not too bright) boy comes home from his first day at Hebrew School, and his father asks him what he learned. "We learned to say Kaddish, papa." Well, the father is none too happy to hear this, so he runs down to the synagogue and confronts the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he says. "What is this about you teaching my son to say Kaddish? After all, he shouldn't know about this at so young an age, and besides, I'm a young man myself, in excellent health, and I expect to live a long time yet!" The Rabbi answered, "First of all, it's not Kaddish, it's KIDDUSH! and secondly, you should only live so long till he learns it!"
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Apples (not caffeine) are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying
Donkeys kill more people annually than plan crashes.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the beginning of multi-tasking. He also invented scissors, and it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer (… so did the first Marlboro Man).
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. The person behind all these was was William Lear who, after the car radio made him a wealthy man, went on to develop both the 8 track tape player and the Lear Jet.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified Kosher.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mp! h in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must ! have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same! position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Some good news... Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger. - Jay Leno
The Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Sam Alito. Democrats wants to know his position on privacy; Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery. - Jay Leno
A movie theatre in Utah abruptly cancelled a screening of the movie Brokeback Mountain. They felt it was inappropriate for the community standards. Instead, they ran Deliverance.. - Jay Leno
On this date in 1948 pioneer sex researcher Alfred Kinsey first announced that most men reached sexual climax within two and a half minutes. Which came as a big surprise to everyone -- except women. - Jay Leno
Texas quarterback Vince Young was pretty amazing! He ran through that Trojan defense like there was a giant hole in it. And as any guy can tell you, there is nothing worse than a trojan with a giant hole in it! - Jay Leno
A judge ruled last week that mooning is legal in Maryland. Though that's not really a problem because a lot of people who work in Washington live in Maryland and they're more concerned with covering their asses than showing them. - Jay Leno
A study shows women and men have different uses for the internet. Women use it more for e-mail and information and support for health and personal problems. Like how to keep your husband from spending all his time looking up internet porn. Men use the internet to try to find ways to hide any traces of the porn they have been looking at online. - Jim Barach
Casinos have reopened along Mississippi's Katrina-ravaged Gulf Coast. Talk about progress. People who lost most everything in the storm can now go there and lose everything else. - Alan Ray
I think will be able to count myself as an adult the day that I am able to hear a news story about "Jack Abramoff" without wondering who Abram is and giggling.
There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.
What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
So I said to my wife,"I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless." She replied,"Great idea ! And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out, see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."
How to install a wireless security system: Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD - MIRAGE A TROIS This was the night Jeff was waiting for - his first mirage á trois. DEFINITION: Act of having sex with TWO imaginary people.
Trying to control her dry hair, my wife treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times. That night when we went to bed, she leaned over to me and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" Sniffing her, I said, "No. Do I smell like Popeye?"
A lovely young thing was out at a singles bar and was approached by a well known Casanova. "How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in her ear. "I'm afraid,"she said, "That my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes you from such erotic confrontation." "I don't get it," he said. "Right !! " she replied.
While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, I noticed a shop sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store. All of the windows were blacked out, and over the door was a sign that proudly declared: "Welcome to Kink-o's. We have NOTHING to do with office supplies."
What is worse than a piano out of tune? An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?""Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
You know you are getting old when your old hangouts used to be the sports bar and the coffee shop and now it's the pharmacy and the bathroom.
So, my friend Harry asked me if I made any New Year's resolutions like he did. I said, Nope! I'm gonna use the same ones I made last year. Harry protested, You can't do that! I said, Why not? I never used them; they're just like brand new!
There is now a company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and compresses the carbon into a blue diamond. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "family jewels."
The company I work for has always had problems with interoffice communications. For instance, last week the Personnel Department sent around a memo on sexual harassment. Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.
A couple went to a marriage counselor for help. After listening to them for about half an hour, the counselor suggested, "Well to start with, it might help if you stopped referring to each other as "Needle Dick" and "Ball Breaking Bitch."
A fellow laments to a friend that after 10 years of marriage sex with his wife is down to three times a year. His friend said, “I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."
Prince Charles - Marriage Warning
YEAR: 1981.
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!
According to a Conan O’Brien skit, Governor Arnold Scwartzenegger is just sick and tired of all the liberties that are being extended to gays these days including gay marriage. He is especially incensed that gays are taking liberties with the Bible. He just wants all gays to know that it’s EXODUS, not ‘Look at Rex’s Ass’ and DEUTERONOMY, not ‘Do It To Me Rodney’
After many bedtime evenings of teaching Katie to say the Lord’s Prayer, she finally built up the courage to say it alone: “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from E-mail.”
A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed. "Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him. "Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked. "You don't want to become a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the shul president!"
It seems this young (but not too bright) boy comes home from his first day at Hebrew School, and his father asks him what he learned. "We learned to say Kaddish, papa." Well, the father is none too happy to hear this, so he runs down to the synagogue and confronts the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he says. "What is this about you teaching my son to say Kaddish? After all, he shouldn't know about this at so young an age, and besides, I'm a young man myself, in excellent health, and I expect to live a long time yet!" The Rabbi answered, "First of all, it's not Kaddish, it's KIDDUSH! and secondly, you should only live so long till he learns it!"
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Apples (not caffeine) are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying
Donkeys kill more people annually than plan crashes.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the beginning of multi-tasking. He also invented scissors, and it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer (… so did the first Marlboro Man).
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. The person behind all these was was William Lear who, after the car radio made him a wealthy man, went on to develop both the 8 track tape player and the Lear Jet.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified Kosher.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mp! h in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must ! have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same! position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Friday Funnies January 6 06
Earlier this week, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that group sex is legal and that it can even be done in nightclubs. And you thought hockey was their national pastime! Group sex is now legal in nightclubs in Canada! It kind of gives new meaning to the phrase 'Canadian Mountie.' - Jay Leno
A disaster expert in England has come out with a list of the top ten disasters British people fear most. Number one is a Charles and Camilla sex tape. - Jay Leno
A Missouri woman was taken to the hospital after swallowing a cell phone. The good news is, it was a camera phone and they were able to do a colonoscopy. - Jim Barach
Scientists say they can monitor brain activity and predict what people will think of next. That's easy. If you are a guy, the next thing you will think of is sex. If you are a married woman, the next thing you will think of is how to avoid sex with your husband. - Jim Barach
Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget. - Dennis Miller
After his divorce, Mr. Smith realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
Can you imagine what a scarcity of news there would be if everybody obeyed the Ten Commandments?
For the "Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology," researchers spent a considerable amount of research funds and claim to have found that birth control pills give women's voices a more pleasant sound. Of course any idiot could have told them that, because men always think it's more pleasant to hear "Yes," than "No."
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Mother to teenage daughter: "You're going to have to learn to lick your smoking problem... and you're going to have to learn to lick your drinking problem... and as for sex, well, uh...uh...uh...you're going to have to learn to fight that too !
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."
Any of you who have ever seen an old fashioned formal wedding portrait will notice that the man is seated, and the woman is standing alongside. While that may seem just the reverse of what it should be -- think about it. He was probably too damn tired to stand, and she was too damn sore to sit down.
Going bald wouldn't be so bad if there were a reason for it. Like let's say under hair, written on your head, are prizes. Like a scratch-off game: "Hey I'm bald, but look what I won, a large fries!"
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?" The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with a few."
Finally, The Mirror sent reporter Jenny Johnston to Aberdeen to test the claim, made in British Journal of Psychiatry, that Aberdeen is Scotland’s most miserable city, where up to 20% of residents suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD). One of the people she approached was a grey-coated old man waiting for a bus. Did he think, she asked, that Aberdeen deserved it’s title as the most miserable place on earth? He replied, “Fook off!”
SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
She was only a computer programmer's daughter, and she was a piece of user-friendly software who grabbed men's joysticks, turned their floppies into hard drives, went down at the touch of a button, was easy to enter, and let them come interface.
Jim is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny Mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Jim and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Jim, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Jim stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Jim moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Jim replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Ain't It The Truth
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote, "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
The Pope was saying daily Mass, before a throng of the faithful, at the Vatican. The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind." A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They were taken back that the Pope blessed all "Mankind," but not, "Womankind." The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind and Womankind." The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they took notice that he blessed mankind and womankind, and insisted that he also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure, no problem". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second: The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth: When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth: You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth: I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh: One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth: One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth: Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth: Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally: If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
A disaster expert in England has come out with a list of the top ten disasters British people fear most. Number one is a Charles and Camilla sex tape. - Jay Leno
A Missouri woman was taken to the hospital after swallowing a cell phone. The good news is, it was a camera phone and they were able to do a colonoscopy. - Jim Barach
Scientists say they can monitor brain activity and predict what people will think of next. That's easy. If you are a guy, the next thing you will think of is sex. If you are a married woman, the next thing you will think of is how to avoid sex with your husband. - Jim Barach
Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget. - Dennis Miller
After his divorce, Mr. Smith realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
Can you imagine what a scarcity of news there would be if everybody obeyed the Ten Commandments?
For the "Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology," researchers spent a considerable amount of research funds and claim to have found that birth control pills give women's voices a more pleasant sound. Of course any idiot could have told them that, because men always think it's more pleasant to hear "Yes," than "No."
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Mother to teenage daughter: "You're going to have to learn to lick your smoking problem... and you're going to have to learn to lick your drinking problem... and as for sex, well, uh...uh...uh...you're going to have to learn to fight that too !
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."
Any of you who have ever seen an old fashioned formal wedding portrait will notice that the man is seated, and the woman is standing alongside. While that may seem just the reverse of what it should be -- think about it. He was probably too damn tired to stand, and she was too damn sore to sit down.
Going bald wouldn't be so bad if there were a reason for it. Like let's say under hair, written on your head, are prizes. Like a scratch-off game: "Hey I'm bald, but look what I won, a large fries!"
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?" The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with a few."
Finally, The Mirror sent reporter Jenny Johnston to Aberdeen to test the claim, made in British Journal of Psychiatry, that Aberdeen is Scotland’s most miserable city, where up to 20% of residents suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD). One of the people she approached was a grey-coated old man waiting for a bus. Did he think, she asked, that Aberdeen deserved it’s title as the most miserable place on earth? He replied, “Fook off!”
SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
She was only a computer programmer's daughter, and she was a piece of user-friendly software who grabbed men's joysticks, turned their floppies into hard drives, went down at the touch of a button, was easy to enter, and let them come interface.
Jim is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny Mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Jim and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Jim, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Jim stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Jim moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Jim replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Ain't It The Truth
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote, "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
The Pope was saying daily Mass, before a throng of the faithful, at the Vatican. The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind." A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They were taken back that the Pope blessed all "Mankind," but not, "Womankind." The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind and Womankind." The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they took notice that he blessed mankind and womankind, and insisted that he also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure, no problem". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second: The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth: When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth: You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth: I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh: One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth: One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth: Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth: Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally: If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)