"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien
"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno
"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman
"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman
"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien
"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him." --Jay Leno
"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno
"And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno
"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien
"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno
"That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno
"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno
"The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail!'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien
"In order to deal with the bad economy, every government now is trying to come up with ideas. The governor of New York wants to put a tax on massages. Yeah, the tax will be known as the unhappy ending tax." --Conan O'Brien
"The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil." --Jay Leno
TEN HOLIDAY EATING TIPS!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #2.
4. As for the mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
Things you can say at Christmas:
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning!
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
Tampax are changing their design and are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....of course this is for the Christmas period only!
If you do find yourself imbibing somewhat over the holidays, remember the words of Cliff Claven and his Buffalo Theory of Intelligence:
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says. "Training for position in Canadian Parliament: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
If women are so perfect at multitasking why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, ‘cause there's no fuckin’ way I can pass that test!"
A timely reworking of an old De Gaulle joke:
At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Dion and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet will retirement seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame Dion. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next. Stephane leaned over to his wife and said, "In Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Here's news about the next planned "Survivor" show.
Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.
Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me. "I'm the president," I replied.
There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something."
A man was packing for a business trip while his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. He said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Three Jewish mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Goldstein with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach." "That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Cohen proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Epstein sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jill does.
Nobody." "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her. "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a $150 an hour - just to talk about me!"
A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was >> not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.' 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.' 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a few bottles of beer every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
I must be getting old. When someone asked me my favourite intersection in Toronto I replied, “Bin dere, Dundas”
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday Funnies December 19 08
"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno
"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno
"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno
"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" --Conan O'Brien
"So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he's shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn't hit him." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman
"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson
"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson
"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson
"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman
"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that." --Jay Leno
"Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money." --Jay Leno
"But not everyone's revved up about the proposed auto industry bailout deal. Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,' or just 'ass backwards'. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards is not so much common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart
"So, someone used a very mild vulgarity on the floor of the House. You might wonder, how will the news networks react to this? Well, it depend on what you're watching [on screen: some networks report on Vitter's comments and use them, in their entirety, on air. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer asks why he couldn't have said 'bass ackwards'. Oh, Contessa Brewer. If you enjoyed that exchange, you might enjoy her new book, 'Sock-Cucker, Fother-Mucker and a Thousand and One Other Ways to Ineffectively Conceal Profanity.' You know, I enjoyed this book. I actually did a blurb for the book when it first came out. I don't even remember what I said, I think if I could read it for you now. 'Reading this was a real cunch to the punt.' ... Why didn't I say dunch to the pick? I don't know." --Jon Stewart
"Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. He wanted the plea changed from 'guilty' to just 'jiggling the wrong handle'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain." --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter." --Jay Leno
"Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." --David Letterman
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
A top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally (A tautological statement, the linguistic equivalent of having chips with rice.)
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Other phrases to irritate people are "literally" and "ironically", when they are used out of context. We grow tired of anything that is repeated too often – an anecdote, a joke, a mannerism – and the same seems to happen with some language.
Oldie Goldie of topical interest:
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' 'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' 'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.' The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' 'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her", he said. 'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' 1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
Scary information about Wal-Mart:
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
1. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
13. Let Wal-Mart do it. (Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street and the Automakers!)
Walking down the street I saw a shaggy baggy man begging with a sign "will work for food". I told him not to worry, my broker says things will bounce back. He said, "I am your broker!"
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."
Mexican words of the day:
1. Cheese - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder - My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. Wheelchair - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
10. Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. Harassment - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. Body wash - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. Budweiser - That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
You know I don't know where the time goes. Monica Lewinsky turned 35 this year. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?
Some Groaners:
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man walked into the doctor's office and his doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
"Doc, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome.' "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said 'Is that the local swimming pool?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy some dope......press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother John. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's John.
Anger Management:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax …It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
JEWISH VS. GOYISH
Judges are Jewish Juries are Goyish
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is Goyish
Ordering family style is Jewish Ordering a la carte is Goyish
Cruises are Jewish Walking tours are Goyish
Laugh-In was Jewish Hee Haw was Goyish
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet is Jewish Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
Bunions are Jewish Flat feet are Goyish
Simon Says is Jewish The Hokey Pokey is Goyish
"Bewitched" is Jewish "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish
The Limbo is Jewish Line dancing is Goyish
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish
GOYISH VS. JEWISH
Fruitcake is Goyish Fruit and cake is Jewish
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
ESPN is Goyish PBS is Jewish
Tiffany's is Goyish Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
Passing bars is Goyish Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
Mary Kay is Goyish Murray the K is Jewish
The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish
Morbidly obese is Goyish Baby fat is Jewish
West Coast is Goyish East Coast is Jewish
Luncheon meat is Goyish Deli is Jewish
White bread is Goyish Rye is Jewish
Sushi is Jewish Chopsticks are Goyish
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
"Youngsters" are Goyish "Kids" are Jewish
Buttering bread is Goyish Spreading margarine is Jewish
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
White sox are Goyish No sox are Jewish
Saving Money is Goyish Investing money is Jewish
Snowmobiling is Goyish Skiing is Jewish
Doing Landscaping is Goyish Hiring a landscaper is Jewish
Beer is Goyish Wine is Jewish
A party revolving around the buffet table is Jewish One that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
Picking nuts is Goyish Nitpicking is Jewish
NASCAR is Goyish. Period.
Let's just finish off by noting that making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ... is VERY Jewish!!
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve my baked apple."
From the Old Farmer's Almanac:
Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
KINDNESS in another's trouble,
COURAGE in your own.
–Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833–70)
"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno
"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno
"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" --Conan O'Brien
"So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he's shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn't hit him." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman
"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson
"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson
"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson
"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman
"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that." --Jay Leno
"Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money." --Jay Leno
"But not everyone's revved up about the proposed auto industry bailout deal. Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,' or just 'ass backwards'. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards is not so much common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart
"So, someone used a very mild vulgarity on the floor of the House. You might wonder, how will the news networks react to this? Well, it depend on what you're watching [on screen: some networks report on Vitter's comments and use them, in their entirety, on air. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer asks why he couldn't have said 'bass ackwards'. Oh, Contessa Brewer. If you enjoyed that exchange, you might enjoy her new book, 'Sock-Cucker, Fother-Mucker and a Thousand and One Other Ways to Ineffectively Conceal Profanity.' You know, I enjoyed this book. I actually did a blurb for the book when it first came out. I don't even remember what I said, I think if I could read it for you now. 'Reading this was a real cunch to the punt.' ... Why didn't I say dunch to the pick? I don't know." --Jon Stewart
"Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. He wanted the plea changed from 'guilty' to just 'jiggling the wrong handle'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain." --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter." --Jay Leno
"Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." --David Letterman
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
A top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally (A tautological statement, the linguistic equivalent of having chips with rice.)
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Other phrases to irritate people are "literally" and "ironically", when they are used out of context. We grow tired of anything that is repeated too often – an anecdote, a joke, a mannerism – and the same seems to happen with some language.
Oldie Goldie of topical interest:
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' 'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' 'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.' The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' 'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her", he said. 'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' 1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
Scary information about Wal-Mart:
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
1. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
13. Let Wal-Mart do it. (Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street and the Automakers!)
Walking down the street I saw a shaggy baggy man begging with a sign "will work for food". I told him not to worry, my broker says things will bounce back. He said, "I am your broker!"
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."
Mexican words of the day:
1. Cheese - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder - My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. Wheelchair - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
10. Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. Harassment - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. Body wash - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. Budweiser - That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
You know I don't know where the time goes. Monica Lewinsky turned 35 this year. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?
Some Groaners:
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man walked into the doctor's office and his doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
"Doc, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome.' "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said 'Is that the local swimming pool?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy some dope......press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother John. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's John.
Anger Management:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax …It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
JEWISH VS. GOYISH
Judges are Jewish Juries are Goyish
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is Goyish
Ordering family style is Jewish Ordering a la carte is Goyish
Cruises are Jewish Walking tours are Goyish
Laugh-In was Jewish Hee Haw was Goyish
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet is Jewish Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
Bunions are Jewish Flat feet are Goyish
Simon Says is Jewish The Hokey Pokey is Goyish
"Bewitched" is Jewish "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish
The Limbo is Jewish Line dancing is Goyish
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish
GOYISH VS. JEWISH
Fruitcake is Goyish Fruit and cake is Jewish
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
ESPN is Goyish PBS is Jewish
Tiffany's is Goyish Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
Passing bars is Goyish Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
Mary Kay is Goyish Murray the K is Jewish
The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish
Morbidly obese is Goyish Baby fat is Jewish
West Coast is Goyish East Coast is Jewish
Luncheon meat is Goyish Deli is Jewish
White bread is Goyish Rye is Jewish
Sushi is Jewish Chopsticks are Goyish
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
"Youngsters" are Goyish "Kids" are Jewish
Buttering bread is Goyish Spreading margarine is Jewish
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
White sox are Goyish No sox are Jewish
Saving Money is Goyish Investing money is Jewish
Snowmobiling is Goyish Skiing is Jewish
Doing Landscaping is Goyish Hiring a landscaper is Jewish
Beer is Goyish Wine is Jewish
A party revolving around the buffet table is Jewish One that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
Picking nuts is Goyish Nitpicking is Jewish
NASCAR is Goyish. Period.
Let's just finish off by noting that making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ... is VERY Jewish!!
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve my baked apple."
From the Old Farmer's Almanac:
Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
KINDNESS in another's trouble,
COURAGE in your own.
–Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833–70)
Friday Funnies December 12 08
Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder." --Conan O'Brien
"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is right.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan." --Conan O'Brien
"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel
"He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But Joe actually did have praise for McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That's great, I'm glad they got along. And they're perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they're actually starring in a new movie together. I don't know if you've heard, it's called 'Dumb and Plumber.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno
"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno
"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno
"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson
"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno
"He's facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different now." --Jay Leno
"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno
"We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard, there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled employee ... me." --Jay Leno
"Well, you know what's interesting, and I say this quite seriously, you know, I didn't always want to stay with NBC, but I remembered something my parents always told me. They said, 'Whatever you do in life, always try to come in fourth.' And that's where NBC is." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'" --David Letterman
"Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they're very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it's taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, 'I have to go back and check with my manager.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television." --Conan O'Brien
"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno
"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers
"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers
"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler
"What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like 'The Amazing Race,' you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout." --Jay Leno
"Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory." --Jay Leno
"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno
"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine:
10. For 10 grand can you make me Pope?
9. Hello, is this the Blog-o-bloga-a-da-go-bl-vipivh residence?
8. Hi, it's O.J. Wanna be cellmates?
7. Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong Blagojevich.
6. Hi, it's Larry Craig -- did I hear something about a Senator's seat being available?
5. I'm calling about your Senate seat on Craigslist. Want to trade for a futon?
4. Hey, it's Cheney -- Damn even I think you're sleazy.
3. You really Blagojevich'd your political career.
2. I'm guessing you didn't spend the bribe money on that haircut.
1. It's Sarah Palin. Thanks for replacing me as the country's most embarrassing governor
"You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole." --David Letterman
Kentucky Fried Chicken has just announced it will be marketing a new family sized bucket of chicken to help finance the proposed Liberal/NDP/Bloc coalition in Ottawa. The new bucket will contain only left wings and assholes.
Letters from (Bad) Santa:
Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell, you little retard. Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? God damned hippies. You get a toy gun. Santa
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a real favor? Leave me a bottle of eighteen year old scotch and a seventeen year old girl. Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give up that piece of tight little Latino ass, just to come back to your frigid alcoholic mother? It's time to give up that dream, kid. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're a little gay homo. I'll set you up with a Barbie, you fag. Santa
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. But when I'm not defiling teenage runaways on film, I unwind by drinking myself silly, squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table, and doing enough pure Columbian blow to kill a rhinoceros. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do and let me know if you're ever in Vegas. But know that I'm skipping your house this year. Santa
Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. Man up, you little bitch. You're getting a sweater, again. Santa
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex because that's all your crack-whore of a mother can afford. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa
My favourite Christmas Story:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Well, as you may or may not know, the best thing ever to come out of Timmins Ontario, the very beautiful and talented pop / country singer (some say she may be cute but she’s not enough country) Shania Twain is back in the news. Last May she split up with husband of fourteen years, producer Mutt Lange supposedly for his affair with best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud, a longtime secretary and manager of the couple’s chateau in Switzerland. Now Shania Twain turned up in Manhattan last Thursday with Frederic Thiébaud, the ex-husband of Twain's former best friend. Apparently the two couples had socialized together for years. All I can say is, in one deft move Ms. Twain just exponentially bolstered her street cred. as a country singer. Now if she’d just lose the house and let her dog die, she could easily be the reigning queen of country again.
Alvin was the meek type and it took courage for him to even enter a ladies’ shop, let alone ask for underthings. Finally, he braced himself, walked over to the clerk and said, “I want to buy a brassiere for my wife.” “Certainly, sir, and what size does she wear?” “Seven and a quarter.” “I’m sorry sir, but brassieres don’t come in that size. Are you sure you have the right measurements?” “I’m positive.” “How did you measure?” “I used my hat.”
Five rules for men for a happy life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Some old puns revisited:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
I was interested to hear of O.J.’s prison sentence. Actually, I do believe that this is a plot. He is intentionally going to prison to follow up on a tip and find his ex-wife’s killer. One thing is clear: He is going in as a tight end and will come out as a wide receiver.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canada's Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capitol, nor could they find a virgin.
P.S. There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable, nor manure from the scene.
These are actual writings from various hospital charts. Please save us from the lawyers!
1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain only if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in A and E, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed an abnormal sized thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Direct from Craig’s List
Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT
For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model
Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD.
Intake valve is stuck in the open position.
Rear end needs major overhaul.
A crack there has grown monstrously large.
Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.
Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.
Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.
Needs front-end work--Headlights are too close to the ground, and fenders are too far apart.
May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,
Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.
Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."
Speaking of Senior Moments:
"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY Paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know why her Sunday edition had not been delivered. "Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday ... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday." There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... that's why no one was at church today."
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
I hope you’re all dreaming of a white Christmas, but remember, if the white runs out, you can always drink red!
"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is right.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan." --Conan O'Brien
"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel
"He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But Joe actually did have praise for McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That's great, I'm glad they got along. And they're perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they're actually starring in a new movie together. I don't know if you've heard, it's called 'Dumb and Plumber.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno
"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno
"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno
"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson
"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno
"He's facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different now." --Jay Leno
"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno
"We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard, there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled employee ... me." --Jay Leno
"Well, you know what's interesting, and I say this quite seriously, you know, I didn't always want to stay with NBC, but I remembered something my parents always told me. They said, 'Whatever you do in life, always try to come in fourth.' And that's where NBC is." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'" --David Letterman
"Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they're very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it's taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, 'I have to go back and check with my manager.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television." --Conan O'Brien
"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno
"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers
"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers
"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler
"What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like 'The Amazing Race,' you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout." --Jay Leno
"Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory." --Jay Leno
"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno
"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine:
10. For 10 grand can you make me Pope?
9. Hello, is this the Blog-o-bloga-a-da-go-bl-vipivh residence?
8. Hi, it's O.J. Wanna be cellmates?
7. Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong Blagojevich.
6. Hi, it's Larry Craig -- did I hear something about a Senator's seat being available?
5. I'm calling about your Senate seat on Craigslist. Want to trade for a futon?
4. Hey, it's Cheney -- Damn even I think you're sleazy.
3. You really Blagojevich'd your political career.
2. I'm guessing you didn't spend the bribe money on that haircut.
1. It's Sarah Palin. Thanks for replacing me as the country's most embarrassing governor
"You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole." --David Letterman
Kentucky Fried Chicken has just announced it will be marketing a new family sized bucket of chicken to help finance the proposed Liberal/NDP/Bloc coalition in Ottawa. The new bucket will contain only left wings and assholes.
Letters from (Bad) Santa:
Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell, you little retard. Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? God damned hippies. You get a toy gun. Santa
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a real favor? Leave me a bottle of eighteen year old scotch and a seventeen year old girl. Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give up that piece of tight little Latino ass, just to come back to your frigid alcoholic mother? It's time to give up that dream, kid. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're a little gay homo. I'll set you up with a Barbie, you fag. Santa
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. But when I'm not defiling teenage runaways on film, I unwind by drinking myself silly, squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table, and doing enough pure Columbian blow to kill a rhinoceros. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do and let me know if you're ever in Vegas. But know that I'm skipping your house this year. Santa
Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. Man up, you little bitch. You're getting a sweater, again. Santa
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex because that's all your crack-whore of a mother can afford. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa
My favourite Christmas Story:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Well, as you may or may not know, the best thing ever to come out of Timmins Ontario, the very beautiful and talented pop / country singer (some say she may be cute but she’s not enough country) Shania Twain is back in the news. Last May she split up with husband of fourteen years, producer Mutt Lange supposedly for his affair with best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud, a longtime secretary and manager of the couple’s chateau in Switzerland. Now Shania Twain turned up in Manhattan last Thursday with Frederic Thiébaud, the ex-husband of Twain's former best friend. Apparently the two couples had socialized together for years. All I can say is, in one deft move Ms. Twain just exponentially bolstered her street cred. as a country singer. Now if she’d just lose the house and let her dog die, she could easily be the reigning queen of country again.
Alvin was the meek type and it took courage for him to even enter a ladies’ shop, let alone ask for underthings. Finally, he braced himself, walked over to the clerk and said, “I want to buy a brassiere for my wife.” “Certainly, sir, and what size does she wear?” “Seven and a quarter.” “I’m sorry sir, but brassieres don’t come in that size. Are you sure you have the right measurements?” “I’m positive.” “How did you measure?” “I used my hat.”
Five rules for men for a happy life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Some old puns revisited:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
I was interested to hear of O.J.’s prison sentence. Actually, I do believe that this is a plot. He is intentionally going to prison to follow up on a tip and find his ex-wife’s killer. One thing is clear: He is going in as a tight end and will come out as a wide receiver.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canada's Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capitol, nor could they find a virgin.
P.S. There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable, nor manure from the scene.
These are actual writings from various hospital charts. Please save us from the lawyers!
1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain only if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in A and E, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed an abnormal sized thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Direct from Craig’s List
Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT
For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model
Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD.
Intake valve is stuck in the open position.
Rear end needs major overhaul.
A crack there has grown monstrously large.
Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.
Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.
Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.
Needs front-end work--Headlights are too close to the ground, and fenders are too far apart.
May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,
Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.
Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."
Speaking of Senior Moments:
"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY Paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know why her Sunday edition had not been delivered. "Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday ... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday." There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... that's why no one was at church today."
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
I hope you’re all dreaming of a white Christmas, but remember, if the white runs out, you can always drink red!
Friday Funnies December 5 08
"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno
"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno
"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno
"According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away." --Jay Leno
"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno
"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market." --Jay Leno
"Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday." --Jay Leno
"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused." --Jay Leno
"In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!" --Jay Leno
"Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, 'What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'" --Jay Leno
"The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. How about that, huh? Yeah. I believe it's the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat. Isn't that ironic?" --Jay Leno
We're going from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants." --Jay Leno
"Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said in a recent interview that Republicans 'cannot be the old, white guy party.' That's what he said. I believe he made this statement at a national shuffleboard convention in Boca Raton, Florida." --Jay Leno
Doctors' Opinion of the Financial Bailout Package
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatrician said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in Washington.
That about covers it.
The market is in such bad shape we hear from Hasbro that the Banker from Monopoly has gone bankrupt! Apparently it all started with some bad investments on Baltic Avenue, Marvin Gardens and Ventnor Avenue that were victims of the Sub Prime Mortgage fiasco, but it quickly spread to solvency problems with the Railroads, Water Works and Electric Company and finally in the bankruptcy of Boardwalk and Park Place. Apparently even the Community Chest is empty and the Banker is all out of ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards and can’t have another Chance. Hey, life is tough all over! (maybe the company should change their name to Had, Bro).
These days you hear the word ‘liquidity’ a lot. That’s because you check out your investments and then wet your pants!
So far, on the New White House Staff we have: Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod, Ronald Klain, Larry Summers, Paul Volcker, Tim Geithner and Peter Orszag. Maybe it's just because I'm Jewish, but am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?
So Santa gets a letter: “Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Johnny”
So Santa wrote back: "Dear Johnny, Send me your mother..."
According to the Japanese, there are certain personality traits that seem to match up with certain blood types. Just for your enjoyment, here’s the skinny.
TYPE O: Trendsetter - loyal - passionate - self-confident - independent - ambitious - vain - jealous. You want to be a leader and when you see something you want you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are trend-setter, loyal, passionate and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously as well you have a tendency to be competitive.
TYPE A: Calm - patient - sensitive - responsible - overcautious - stubborn - unable to relax. You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Your weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.
TYPE B: Individualist - dislike custom - strong - optimistic - creative - flexible - wild - unpredictable. You are a rugged individual who is straight forward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. But your instance on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.
TYPE AB: Cool - controlled - rational - sociable - popular - critical - sometimes standoffish - indecisive. Cool and controlled you are generally well like and always put people at ease. You are a natural entertainer who is tactful and fair. But you are standoffish, blunt and have difficulty making decisions.
Compatibility by Blood Groups:
A is most compatible with A and AB
B is most compatible with B and AB
AB is most compatible with AB, B, A and O
O is most compatible with O, and AB
Response from E-Harmony:
Sorry, your application to join our matchmaking service has been rejected. You failed Question #14: “What do you like most in a woman?” “MY DICK” is not an acceptable answer!
E-Harmony Webmaster
A little girl asked her Father, 'How did the human race appear?' The Father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her Mother the same question. The Mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her Father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys. The Father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mother told you about hers.
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Here’s a funny bit from a black comedian:
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics in Toronto with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today' Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angels between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. ''It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything. After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too!”
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The Mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold. ”The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter and said "My nose is cold." "Then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner on e night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy...) 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just just... excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs
The Chasana
The envelopes were all addressed, the stamps were put on the envelopes, and the invitations were ready to be mailed. Mr. &Mrs. Mordechai Moontik and Mrs. Donnershtik took one more look at the Russian side of the last invitation before sealing it. The invitations read:
Mr. &Mrs. Dovid Donnershtik
Request the Honor of Your Presence
At the Marriage of Their Children
SHANE YINGEL
AND
SHAYNA MAIDEL
On Tuesday, the Second of September
Two Thousand and Eight
At Six O'clock in the Evening
Shalom Shul
Yenemvelt, Europe
Mrs. Donnershtik felt a tear roll down her cheek as she sealed the last envelope. It was a tear of joy. Her beautiful daughter was marrying a handsome young man from a very fine family. It was the up and coming event in Yenemnvelt and all its inhabitants were talking about it. Soon the replies started coming. Mr. &Mrs Kumtahair would come.
Mr. &Mrs. Simchagait.and Mr. &Mrs. Gayveiter were traveling a long distance just to see Shayna Maidel get married. Mr. &Mrs. Fielekinder were coming with all their children, and Mrs. Rajinkas was coming with Mrs. Mandlin.
Unfortunately, Mr. &Mrs. Keinekoyach did not have the strength for such a long trip and had to decline the invitation, as did Mr. &Mrs. Fahrshtaitnit. Mr. Donnershtik made a mental note to call Mrs Fahrshtaitnit in case there was some misunderstanding regarding the invitation.
The day of the chasana finally arrived. Everyone was all excited. Mr. Donnershtik received a phone call from Mrs. Rachmonas. Apparently Mrs. Krankeit wasn't feeling well and Mrs. Rachmonas did not want to leave her alone. So both ladies would not be able to attend the chasana. Mr. &Mrs. Schpatzeer decided to walk to the shul since it was only two blocks from where they lived. Mr. &Mrs. Shpatseernisht drove. Mr. &Mrs. Shluffengut arrived a little late but, Baruch Hashem, they didn't miss the Chuppah. Mr.. &Mrs. Goornisht forgot to bring the present and Mr. &Mrs Kochleffel checked everyone's attire. Mr. &Mrs. Essengut went right to the buffet table. Mr. &Mrs. Shicker went to the bar. Mr. &Mrs. Tantsmaven went to check out the band. Mr. &Mrs. Yenta greeted everyone as they came in.
One would have thought it was their simcha. Mrs. Klug looked very smart in her tailored suit and Mr. Vachzenzolstdu wore his new suit. Mr. &Mrs. Oysgapitst looked elegant. Mr. &Mrs. Zager were right on time but Mr. &Mrs. Farshpatig were detained and did not arrive until right before the Chupah.
Everyone from both sides of the famaily came, and ate, and danced and had a wonderful time. All agreed that it was one of the nicest, most frailichen chasana they had ever attended.
The next day, Mrs. Donnershtik called Mrs. Krankeit to see how she was feeling. Mrs. Krankeit said she was feeling a little better and wanted to know all about the chasana. "What food did you serve?" she asked. Mrs. Donnershtik told her all about the buffet and the chicken dinner and the delicious desserts. "Did the neighbors come?" asked Mrs. Krankeit. "Most of them" answered Mr. Dnnershtik. "And what about the families? "Which family members came" asked Mrs. Krankeit. "Alla Moontiks and Donner shtiks" said Mrs. Donnershtik.
THE END
Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much. "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost" said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property. "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi, "Robbers?" "No , even worse!" screamed the priest, "Schnorers!"
"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno
"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno
"According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away." --Jay Leno
"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno
"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market." --Jay Leno
"Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday." --Jay Leno
"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused." --Jay Leno
"In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!" --Jay Leno
"Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, 'What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'" --Jay Leno
"The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. How about that, huh? Yeah. I believe it's the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat. Isn't that ironic?" --Jay Leno
We're going from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants." --Jay Leno
"Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said in a recent interview that Republicans 'cannot be the old, white guy party.' That's what he said. I believe he made this statement at a national shuffleboard convention in Boca Raton, Florida." --Jay Leno
Doctors' Opinion of the Financial Bailout Package
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatrician said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in Washington.
That about covers it.
The market is in such bad shape we hear from Hasbro that the Banker from Monopoly has gone bankrupt! Apparently it all started with some bad investments on Baltic Avenue, Marvin Gardens and Ventnor Avenue that were victims of the Sub Prime Mortgage fiasco, but it quickly spread to solvency problems with the Railroads, Water Works and Electric Company and finally in the bankruptcy of Boardwalk and Park Place. Apparently even the Community Chest is empty and the Banker is all out of ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards and can’t have another Chance. Hey, life is tough all over! (maybe the company should change their name to Had, Bro).
These days you hear the word ‘liquidity’ a lot. That’s because you check out your investments and then wet your pants!
So far, on the New White House Staff we have: Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod, Ronald Klain, Larry Summers, Paul Volcker, Tim Geithner and Peter Orszag. Maybe it's just because I'm Jewish, but am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?
So Santa gets a letter: “Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Johnny”
So Santa wrote back: "Dear Johnny, Send me your mother..."
According to the Japanese, there are certain personality traits that seem to match up with certain blood types. Just for your enjoyment, here’s the skinny.
TYPE O: Trendsetter - loyal - passionate - self-confident - independent - ambitious - vain - jealous. You want to be a leader and when you see something you want you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are trend-setter, loyal, passionate and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously as well you have a tendency to be competitive.
TYPE A: Calm - patient - sensitive - responsible - overcautious - stubborn - unable to relax. You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Your weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.
TYPE B: Individualist - dislike custom - strong - optimistic - creative - flexible - wild - unpredictable. You are a rugged individual who is straight forward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. But your instance on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.
TYPE AB: Cool - controlled - rational - sociable - popular - critical - sometimes standoffish - indecisive. Cool and controlled you are generally well like and always put people at ease. You are a natural entertainer who is tactful and fair. But you are standoffish, blunt and have difficulty making decisions.
Compatibility by Blood Groups:
A is most compatible with A and AB
B is most compatible with B and AB
AB is most compatible with AB, B, A and O
O is most compatible with O, and AB
Response from E-Harmony:
Sorry, your application to join our matchmaking service has been rejected. You failed Question #14: “What do you like most in a woman?” “MY DICK” is not an acceptable answer!
E-Harmony Webmaster
A little girl asked her Father, 'How did the human race appear?' The Father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her Mother the same question. The Mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her Father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys. The Father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mother told you about hers.
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Here’s a funny bit from a black comedian:
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics in Toronto with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today' Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angels between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. ''It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything. After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too!”
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The Mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold. ”The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter and said "My nose is cold." "Then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner on e night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy...) 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just just... excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs
The Chasana
The envelopes were all addressed, the stamps were put on the envelopes, and the invitations were ready to be mailed. Mr. &Mrs. Mordechai Moontik and Mrs. Donnershtik took one more look at the Russian side of the last invitation before sealing it. The invitations read:
Mr. &Mrs. Dovid Donnershtik
Request the Honor of Your Presence
At the Marriage of Their Children
SHANE YINGEL
AND
SHAYNA MAIDEL
On Tuesday, the Second of September
Two Thousand and Eight
At Six O'clock in the Evening
Shalom Shul
Yenemvelt, Europe
Mrs. Donnershtik felt a tear roll down her cheek as she sealed the last envelope. It was a tear of joy. Her beautiful daughter was marrying a handsome young man from a very fine family. It was the up and coming event in Yenemnvelt and all its inhabitants were talking about it. Soon the replies started coming. Mr. &Mrs Kumtahair would come.
Mr. &Mrs. Simchagait.and Mr. &Mrs. Gayveiter were traveling a long distance just to see Shayna Maidel get married. Mr. &Mrs. Fielekinder were coming with all their children, and Mrs. Rajinkas was coming with Mrs. Mandlin.
Unfortunately, Mr. &Mrs. Keinekoyach did not have the strength for such a long trip and had to decline the invitation, as did Mr. &Mrs. Fahrshtaitnit. Mr. Donnershtik made a mental note to call Mrs Fahrshtaitnit in case there was some misunderstanding regarding the invitation.
The day of the chasana finally arrived. Everyone was all excited. Mr. Donnershtik received a phone call from Mrs. Rachmonas. Apparently Mrs. Krankeit wasn't feeling well and Mrs. Rachmonas did not want to leave her alone. So both ladies would not be able to attend the chasana. Mr. &Mrs. Schpatzeer decided to walk to the shul since it was only two blocks from where they lived. Mr. &Mrs. Shpatseernisht drove. Mr. &Mrs. Shluffengut arrived a little late but, Baruch Hashem, they didn't miss the Chuppah. Mr.. &Mrs. Goornisht forgot to bring the present and Mr. &Mrs Kochleffel checked everyone's attire. Mr. &Mrs. Essengut went right to the buffet table. Mr. &Mrs. Shicker went to the bar. Mr. &Mrs. Tantsmaven went to check out the band. Mr. &Mrs. Yenta greeted everyone as they came in.
One would have thought it was their simcha. Mrs. Klug looked very smart in her tailored suit and Mr. Vachzenzolstdu wore his new suit. Mr. &Mrs. Oysgapitst looked elegant. Mr. &Mrs. Zager were right on time but Mr. &Mrs. Farshpatig were detained and did not arrive until right before the Chupah.
Everyone from both sides of the famaily came, and ate, and danced and had a wonderful time. All agreed that it was one of the nicest, most frailichen chasana they had ever attended.
The next day, Mrs. Donnershtik called Mrs. Krankeit to see how she was feeling. Mrs. Krankeit said she was feeling a little better and wanted to know all about the chasana. "What food did you serve?" she asked. Mrs. Donnershtik told her all about the buffet and the chicken dinner and the delicious desserts. "Did the neighbors come?" asked Mrs. Krankeit. "Most of them" answered Mr. Dnnershtik. "And what about the families? "Which family members came" asked Mrs. Krankeit. "Alla Moontiks and Donner shtiks" said Mrs. Donnershtik.
THE END
Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much. "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost" said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property. "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi, "Robbers?" "No , even worse!" screamed the priest, "Schnorers!"
Friday Funnies November 28 08
"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." --Conan O'Brien
"It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1." --Jay Leno
"And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota." --Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno
"Well you know what's really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn't president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. 'Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'"
"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman
"Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it's Thanksgiving 'cause I turn on the TV this morning, there's 'The Rachael Ray Show.' You watch 'The Rachael Ray Show.' And, by God, there's Sarah Palin stuffin' a moose. But, you know, it's a great time of year to help people less fortunate than we are. So this Thanksgiving, if you can, why not bring home a Lehman Brother?" --David Letterman
"Diane Sawyer had an exclusive interview tonight on '20/20' with former Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-class call girl. Remember this? Her name's Ashley Dupre. This is the first time she's spoken on camera about doing it with governor. And, she claims she didn't know Spitzer was the governor when he hired her for sex. She wouldn't say how often they got together. And this is kinda the strange thing: She doesn't think of herself as a prostitute [on screen: Dupre uses the word 'escort,' and then is asked by Sawyer, 'What's the difference?' Dupre, in response, 'I think ... it's the same.']. Okay, so they agreed to agree. Escorts also tend to have more teeth in my experience." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes [on screen: a 'cover' of Palin's book, called 'Jus' Tellin' My Story']" --Seth Meyers
"Bill Clinton, what a stand-up guy. He went to Barack Obama and he said he will do anything to help Hillary become secretary of State. He said, "Look, I'll remove my profile from eHarmony.com. And he's going to place all his interns in a blind trust." --David Letterman
"Well, here's some exciting television news. Tomorrow night, Ashley Dupre, who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, will be interviewed tomorrow night on '20/20.' Unless of course she has to rush back to Washington to fix the economy." --David Letterman
"International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don't have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs." --Jay Leno
"Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story -- remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute -- giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, 'Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, there's one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, 'How much for the both of them?' That was really awkward." --Jay Leno
"The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien
"In case you didn't hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an 'n' to the end of it." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno
"That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!" --Jay Leno
"The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'" --Jay Leno
"They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage." --Jay Leno
"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno
"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno
"And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He's on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison." --Jay Leno
"Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour." --Jay Leno
"Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she'll be named Secretary of State. They're talking about that. And she'll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes." --David Letterman
Why is American Thanksgiving always on a Thursday? (from the Farmer’s Almanac)
Thursday seems to have evolved first as tradition, then as a matter of national law. We don't know for sure which day of the week the Pilgrims' famous first Thanksgiving actually occurred, for instance. That Thanksgiving, interestingly, took place in mid-October, not November. For a brief time beginning in 1668, November 25 was considered the "legal" annual day of Thanksgiving, but that practice lasted only five years. It may be that Thursday became tradition in order to distance the event from the Sabbath day among the Puritan colonists. Thursday was also a typical day for lectures in New England, with ministers giving a religious talk each Thursday afternoon. This practice may have contributed to the Thursday Thanksgiving tradition. Since George Washington's time, Thursday has been the day, and this was solidified by Abraham Lincoln's proclamation in 1863 designating the national day of Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday of November. Later that was amended to the fourth Thursday in November. It's important here to note that neither Lincoln, nor anyone else, ever declared the Friday after Thanksgiving as the national day of shopping.
At this season I just can’t help repeating this one – it still makes me laugh out loud:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov.17, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov.18, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: Nov.19, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name on the note. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: Nov.20, 2008,
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: Nov.21, 2008
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. The rest of you fucking weirdoes can kiss my ass.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The BITCH from HELL!!!!!!
Why Italians can’t be paramedics:
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.' And then a shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... now what?'
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its side the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rotweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, and fed them the best food. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We do not understand,' said their leader. 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rotweilers. They developed a killing machine.' 'Really?' the Israeli General replied. 'For five years, we've had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to get back a ton of shit.”
On a small farm up in the remote highlands of Scotland a wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said: 'Angus, lad, you hold this licht high so I can see what I'm daein!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Achh Angus’, said the doctor, 'Dinna be in such a hurry tae pit that lantern doon – ya ken there's anither-yin coming. Bring the licht! Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. A few minutes later the doctor said, ‘Angus, bring the licht, there's anither-yin!' So Angus brought the light hand the doctor delivered a third baby. A few minutes later the doctor said yet again, Angus, Angus, bring the licht!’ Angus just backed away and said, ‘No, I’ll no bring the licht! I think it’s the licht that’s attractin’ them!’
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Oldie Goldie
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looked at the tree and grunted, 'Tree.' The priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, 'Rock.' The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest was really flustered and quickly responded, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them! The priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he had spent a year teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied: "My bike"
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
What is a grandparent? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'
When asked where Grandma lived, a six year old said, “Oh, she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim or Mr. Yonson."
An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue in a hi-rise condo, built a Sukkah on his terrace. Some of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbours brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighbourhood. In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He prayed for help. And Hashem listened. Judge Ginsberg, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him. "Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars." "You have exactly eight days to do so. Next case!"
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat? The best Talmudic scholars have come up with the following: One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
Another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill? There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you God for straightening those who are bent;
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising the dead.
You Might Be An Orthodox Rabbi If:
1) Ten people ask you the same question and you give 11 different answers.
2) You spend more time with your chevrusa than you do with your wife.
3) You mumble words of Mishnayos while you are sleeping.
4) Your wife gets pregnant twice in the same year.
5) You've spent the majority of your life eating Yeshiva food.
6) You shuckle profusely while driving your car.
7) You spend more time in the bathroom across from the Beis Medrash than you do than you do in your own house.
8) You drive a 1985 brownish tan station wagon.
9) Gavaltik and Gashmak are part of your everyday vocabulary.
10) You have 11 children and they are all under the age of Bar Mitzvah.
11) Your entire beard is grey, but the rest of your hair isn't.
12) You stroke your beard whenever someone asks you a question.
13) You're always holding a sefer and you wear BIG GOOFY glasses.
14) You start shvitzing half way through Shmonei Esrei.
15) You own 20 dress shirts, but they are all button down white.
16) You own ten suits, but it looks like you only have one set of clothing.
17) You never watch TV. unless it is a Yankees playoff game.
18) Every time someone asks you for advice you tell them to go to Israel.
19) You quote to your children from the Midrash every time they do something wrong.
20) You say bless you even when someone doesn't sneeze.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn! With my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'; more 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God has blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally.
"It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1." --Jay Leno
"And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota." --Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno
"Well you know what's really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn't president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. 'Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'"
"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman
"Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it's Thanksgiving 'cause I turn on the TV this morning, there's 'The Rachael Ray Show.' You watch 'The Rachael Ray Show.' And, by God, there's Sarah Palin stuffin' a moose. But, you know, it's a great time of year to help people less fortunate than we are. So this Thanksgiving, if you can, why not bring home a Lehman Brother?" --David Letterman
"Diane Sawyer had an exclusive interview tonight on '20/20' with former Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-class call girl. Remember this? Her name's Ashley Dupre. This is the first time she's spoken on camera about doing it with governor. And, she claims she didn't know Spitzer was the governor when he hired her for sex. She wouldn't say how often they got together. And this is kinda the strange thing: She doesn't think of herself as a prostitute [on screen: Dupre uses the word 'escort,' and then is asked by Sawyer, 'What's the difference?' Dupre, in response, 'I think ... it's the same.']. Okay, so they agreed to agree. Escorts also tend to have more teeth in my experience." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes [on screen: a 'cover' of Palin's book, called 'Jus' Tellin' My Story']" --Seth Meyers
"Bill Clinton, what a stand-up guy. He went to Barack Obama and he said he will do anything to help Hillary become secretary of State. He said, "Look, I'll remove my profile from eHarmony.com. And he's going to place all his interns in a blind trust." --David Letterman
"Well, here's some exciting television news. Tomorrow night, Ashley Dupre, who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, will be interviewed tomorrow night on '20/20.' Unless of course she has to rush back to Washington to fix the economy." --David Letterman
"International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don't have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs." --Jay Leno
"Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story -- remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute -- giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, 'Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, there's one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, 'How much for the both of them?' That was really awkward." --Jay Leno
"The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien
"In case you didn't hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an 'n' to the end of it." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno
"That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!" --Jay Leno
"The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'" --Jay Leno
"They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage." --Jay Leno
"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno
"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno
"And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He's on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison." --Jay Leno
"Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour." --Jay Leno
"Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she'll be named Secretary of State. They're talking about that. And she'll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes." --David Letterman
Why is American Thanksgiving always on a Thursday? (from the Farmer’s Almanac)
Thursday seems to have evolved first as tradition, then as a matter of national law. We don't know for sure which day of the week the Pilgrims' famous first Thanksgiving actually occurred, for instance. That Thanksgiving, interestingly, took place in mid-October, not November. For a brief time beginning in 1668, November 25 was considered the "legal" annual day of Thanksgiving, but that practice lasted only five years. It may be that Thursday became tradition in order to distance the event from the Sabbath day among the Puritan colonists. Thursday was also a typical day for lectures in New England, with ministers giving a religious talk each Thursday afternoon. This practice may have contributed to the Thursday Thanksgiving tradition. Since George Washington's time, Thursday has been the day, and this was solidified by Abraham Lincoln's proclamation in 1863 designating the national day of Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday of November. Later that was amended to the fourth Thursday in November. It's important here to note that neither Lincoln, nor anyone else, ever declared the Friday after Thanksgiving as the national day of shopping.
At this season I just can’t help repeating this one – it still makes me laugh out loud:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov.17, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov.18, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: Nov.19, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name on the note. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: Nov.20, 2008,
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: Nov.21, 2008
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. The rest of you fucking weirdoes can kiss my ass.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The BITCH from HELL!!!!!!
Why Italians can’t be paramedics:
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.' And then a shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... now what?'
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its side the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rotweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, and fed them the best food. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We do not understand,' said their leader. 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rotweilers. They developed a killing machine.' 'Really?' the Israeli General replied. 'For five years, we've had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to get back a ton of shit.”
On a small farm up in the remote highlands of Scotland a wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said: 'Angus, lad, you hold this licht high so I can see what I'm daein!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Achh Angus’, said the doctor, 'Dinna be in such a hurry tae pit that lantern doon – ya ken there's anither-yin coming. Bring the licht! Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. A few minutes later the doctor said, ‘Angus, bring the licht, there's anither-yin!' So Angus brought the light hand the doctor delivered a third baby. A few minutes later the doctor said yet again, Angus, Angus, bring the licht!’ Angus just backed away and said, ‘No, I’ll no bring the licht! I think it’s the licht that’s attractin’ them!’
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Oldie Goldie
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looked at the tree and grunted, 'Tree.' The priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, 'Rock.' The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest was really flustered and quickly responded, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them! The priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he had spent a year teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied: "My bike"
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
What is a grandparent? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'
When asked where Grandma lived, a six year old said, “Oh, she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim or Mr. Yonson."
An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue in a hi-rise condo, built a Sukkah on his terrace. Some of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbours brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighbourhood. In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He prayed for help. And Hashem listened. Judge Ginsberg, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him. "Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars." "You have exactly eight days to do so. Next case!"
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat? The best Talmudic scholars have come up with the following: One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
Another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill? There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you God for straightening those who are bent;
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising the dead.
You Might Be An Orthodox Rabbi If:
1) Ten people ask you the same question and you give 11 different answers.
2) You spend more time with your chevrusa than you do with your wife.
3) You mumble words of Mishnayos while you are sleeping.
4) Your wife gets pregnant twice in the same year.
5) You've spent the majority of your life eating Yeshiva food.
6) You shuckle profusely while driving your car.
7) You spend more time in the bathroom across from the Beis Medrash than you do than you do in your own house.
8) You drive a 1985 brownish tan station wagon.
9) Gavaltik and Gashmak are part of your everyday vocabulary.
10) You have 11 children and they are all under the age of Bar Mitzvah.
11) Your entire beard is grey, but the rest of your hair isn't.
12) You stroke your beard whenever someone asks you a question.
13) You're always holding a sefer and you wear BIG GOOFY glasses.
14) You start shvitzing half way through Shmonei Esrei.
15) You own 20 dress shirts, but they are all button down white.
16) You own ten suits, but it looks like you only have one set of clothing.
17) You never watch TV. unless it is a Yankees playoff game.
18) Every time someone asks you for advice you tell them to go to Israel.
19) You quote to your children from the Midrash every time they do something wrong.
20) You say bless you even when someone doesn't sneeze.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn! With my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'; more 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God has blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally.
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