"While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes ... he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina." --Jay Leno
"Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise?" --Jay Leno
"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman
"It seems there is a website that ranks men's rooms across the country for sex. ... This is true, the one that Senator Craig got caught in at the Minneapolis airport is Minnesota's number one cruising restroom for gay sex. See, all those times you thought those long lines were for security" --Jay Leno
"In Idaho, restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig, he said he will resign. ... He said he enjoyed being in Washington and he'll miss his colleagues on both sides of the stall." --Jay Leno
After announcing last week that he was going to resign from the Senate, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, you know, the restroom enthusiast, says he may change his mind and not resign. First he's going to resign, now he's not going. Why can't the guy just be straight with us?" --Jay Leno
"Apparently he came to this decision because Senator Arlen Specter is coming out in his defense. So his family is coming out for him, Arlen Specter is coming out for him. The only one not coming out is him." --Jay Leno
"First he pleaded guilty to soliciting in the men's room, then he said he wasn't guilty. Then he said he was resigning, and now he is going back on that. Even John Kerry's going, 'make up your mind.'" --Jay Leno
"Have you heard the latest on men's room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? ... He has taken back his guilty plea. ... He's changed it to just curious. ... Have you heard his defense? ... Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution -- and this is true -- a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom." --Jay Leno
"It's kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop." --Jay Leno
Some tenor jokes in honour of the late great Luciano Pavarotti:
Pavarotti arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in - squeeze through'. Pavarotti says 'Hold on, I've got an envelope for you. It's from the Pope.' St Peter opens it up and reads it. ‘HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds.
Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."
How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.
How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?. When the other tenors notice.
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? None - he thinks it's the accompanist's job.
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Four: One to change the bulb and three to complain that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
Why was the tenor buried twenty feet beneath the earth? Because DEEP DOWN he's a nice guy.
What does it mean when a tenor drools out of both sides of his mouth? The stage is level
.
How do you save a tenor from drowning?. Take your foot off of his head.
What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.
What's the musical definition of a half-step? Two tenors singing in unison.
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
RED NECK PICKUP LINES
Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in'em.
If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
Yer face reminds me of a wrench, .....every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
A young fellow had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about three month his father said, 'Son, I'm proud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.' The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.' To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
A Scotsman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman shouts " Awa ye feel hoor that's full O coos Sharn (Translation - Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man shouts back, "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you.” The Scotsman replies, "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him. The woman inside calmed the nine kids she was transporting from the soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay. "Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?" She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again." "What dream?" asked the shrink. "You know, the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
Nursery rhymes - not quite the way you remember them.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman,going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent overRover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.Hey.
He needed the money.
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Charlie Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No...salty!"
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day, he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo!! He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes that she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It said, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look too short!
Love, Grandma"
THINGS OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK......
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of Umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on Board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
How The Jews Invented Golf
From way back it has long been thought that the game of golf originated in Scotland in the 15th century. Recently uncovered evidence indicates that this sport actually began in eastern Europe and for many years was enjoyed by the Jews of the area. Stories passed down from generation to generation told of Moses and Aaron and their famous Desert Classic, which endured for 40 years. This great tradition was re-born many years later in the fields and forests of eastern Europe.A shepherd, Velvel Gross, passed the time by hitting pebbles with his shepherd's crook. ; The number of times he hit the stones became known as Gross Score. He eventually decided to lay out an actual course by utilizing adjacent farmers' properties. The playing area consisted of 18 segments - the number chosen to represent the Hebrew symbol Chai, meaningLife. The game could then be played by Wednesday golfers as nine holes (half-Chai), regular golfers as 18 holes (Chai), enthusiasts and fitness-freaks as 27 holes (Chai-and-a-half), and with the wives during mixed play (double-Chai). The putting surface was named after Moishe Green, because the shortest grass was found on his property. The search for durable projectiles (which could sustain repeated strikes with wooden sticks) led to the Rebbetzin's kitchen, where her dimpled matzo balls were the clear-cut winners. They came in 90 or 100 compression and were vigorously tested by a mechanical arm called Iron Myron. Parva, or Par, meaning neither here nor there, was t he number of shots allocated to each hole. Faivel the Sissy scored the first recorded Birdie, as onlookers shouted, 'Not bad for a Faygelah!' The Eagle was so named for Adler the Schtarker, who scored the first amazing two-under-par! Soon courses sprang up all over the land with such exotic names as Knobble Beach , Grieven Valley , Seder Brook and the two richest clubs: Chelm Ridge and Chai Ridge. This particular group was known as The Haymishe Five. Membership in these clubs provided many diverse activities. Tournaments such as Blintzes and Schnapps and Beat the Czar (which was a shotgun) were organized.A committee of men was responsible for the many rules and regulations that all were required to observe. Men's and women's facilities were strictly segregated according to Jewish law. A dress code was rigidly enforced, in spite of the women's insistence on the right to bare arms. Shortly thereafter, the top golfers in the land emerged and formed the PGA, also known as the Polish Galitzianer Association.
And that, boys and girls, is the story of how the Jews invented golf!
I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned that the eleventh can be equally important. At morning services recently, when the eleventh entered, a man by the door said, "Thank goodness." The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already." The other man said, "You have the honour of making the 'pisher' so now I can leave to go to the bathroom!"
Rosh Hashana is a time to pause and reflect.
It is a time to make New Year's resolutions.
It is a time when we resolve to be more appreciative of life's most meaningful values.
It is a time when, without undue self-criticism, we vow to be better people in the coming year.
It is a time to let go of grudges.
It is a time when we commit to greater consideration of others.
It is a time to move forward on our journeys with a more positive attitude.
It is a time to focus on caring for family and friends, Jews and non-Jews alike.
It is a time to extend best wishes for good health, happiness, and fun in the coming year.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday Funnies September 7 07
I’m due for another colonoscopy soon so I thought I’d prepare in a Humorous way (Yes - Preperation H) by passing on these lines that a physician claims are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
A buddy of mine went to the proctologist after a long bout of diarrhea and bloody stools. He was diagnosed with diverticulitis and it was recommended he have half of his colon removed. He was feeling really depressed and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him that was a real tough decision because that would leave him with only a semi-colon! He wasn’t consoled by my attempts at being a comma –dian. I told him I was just glad it wasn’t my asterisk!
At the end of the money, I always have some month left.
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt. Marie said, "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite. "Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite." Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, Why you ran out like dat?" Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was."
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was the wife went into a passionate painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally after allowing this to continue for a length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand and embraced and kissed her long and passionately. The woman sat down slightly dazed. The therapist turned to the husband and said: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought a moment, then replied" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing.
Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown." Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo." Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown." Fanny again says, "No." Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again." "No." says Fanny. So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me." Fanny says, "Nooo." Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door." "No." says Fanny. Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down." Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"
Rock 'n Roll Jokes
How are Robert Plant and a 75 year old geologist similar? Both are aging rockers.
How do you know a drummer’s at the door? The knocking speeds up and he never knows when to come in.
JOHNNY: "Mom, I want to be a rock star when I grow up."
MOM: "Well, you can’t do both."
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a rhythm guitarist? A tattoo.
How do you make a keyboardist's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza sign off it.
What does a drummer Almost NEVER say to a guitarist? "Hey, do you want to play one of my songs?"
How many lead vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. He holds it in place while the world revolves around him.
How do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume?: Put some sheet music in front of him.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER! "When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
A man dies and leaves his son nine pairs of socks and a rooster. The son is confused as to what it means. He goes to the rabbi and asks if this bequest has a hidden meaning, The rabbi says he will need a week to think about it. When the week is up the son goes to the rabbi for the answer. The rabbi says that indeed there was a message. "Nine pair of socks equals eighteen and eighteen is Chai and a rooster is a cock, so ... your father left you Chai Cock !"
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission is to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears, waving his six arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? But we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". So he strikes a match which flames up, burns down, and nothing bad happens. He turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos!"
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
A buddy of mine went to the proctologist after a long bout of diarrhea and bloody stools. He was diagnosed with diverticulitis and it was recommended he have half of his colon removed. He was feeling really depressed and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him that was a real tough decision because that would leave him with only a semi-colon! He wasn’t consoled by my attempts at being a comma –dian. I told him I was just glad it wasn’t my asterisk!
At the end of the money, I always have some month left.
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt. Marie said, "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite. "Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite." Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, Why you ran out like dat?" Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was."
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was the wife went into a passionate painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally after allowing this to continue for a length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand and embraced and kissed her long and passionately. The woman sat down slightly dazed. The therapist turned to the husband and said: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought a moment, then replied" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing.
Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown." Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo." Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown." Fanny again says, "No." Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again." "No." says Fanny. So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door. Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me." Fanny says, "Nooo." Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door." "No." says Fanny. Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down." Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"
Rock 'n Roll Jokes
How are Robert Plant and a 75 year old geologist similar? Both are aging rockers.
How do you know a drummer’s at the door? The knocking speeds up and he never knows when to come in.
JOHNNY: "Mom, I want to be a rock star when I grow up."
MOM: "Well, you can’t do both."
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a rhythm guitarist? A tattoo.
How do you make a keyboardist's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza sign off it.
What does a drummer Almost NEVER say to a guitarist? "Hey, do you want to play one of my songs?"
How many lead vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. He holds it in place while the world revolves around him.
How do you get a guitarist to turn down his volume?: Put some sheet music in front of him.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER! "When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
A man dies and leaves his son nine pairs of socks and a rooster. The son is confused as to what it means. He goes to the rabbi and asks if this bequest has a hidden meaning, The rabbi says he will need a week to think about it. When the week is up the son goes to the rabbi for the answer. The rabbi says that indeed there was a message. "Nine pair of socks equals eighteen and eighteen is Chai and a rooster is a cock, so ... your father left you Chai Cock !"
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission is to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears, waving his six arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? But we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". So he strikes a match which flames up, burns down, and nothing bad happens. He turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos!"
Friday Funnies August 31 07
"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban.... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" -- David Letterman
"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate .Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." -- Jay Leno
"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." -- Jay Leno
"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." – Jon Stewart
"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business.... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." -- Jay Leno
"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" -- Jay Leno
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis." --Jay Leno
"The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn't trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men's room? I don't even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men's room." --Jay Leno
"You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How'd you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you." --Jay Leno
"There's another scandal in Washington. One of the senator's from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in airport men's room. Gives new meaning to the word 'caucusing.'" --David Letterman
"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something." --David Letterman
"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Larry Craig's bathroom incident
"Sen. Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why." --David Letterman
"Russian leader Vladimir Putin -- have you seen this guy? He gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. We used to have a pantless president, they've got a shirtless president. He was named 'Sexiest Commie Alive' ... nearly edging out Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il. ... But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, 'Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain'" --David Letterman
"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell." -Jay Leno
"I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card." - Jay Leno
Investment tips for 2007 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudi DoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary", said the teacher. It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say " Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
What does a blonde say when she gives birth? Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? After a dye job.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? They're doing research on black holes.
What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? They both have black roots.
Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide.
How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend invited her on a fishing trip. They got to the lake and he suggested they rent a rowboat. "No, let's just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she said. He continued for a while on the merits of them both relaxing in the rowboat together. Finally, she answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it." "Why so emotional?" her friend asked. Justice Ginsberg said, "I think its long past the time to put the row vs. wade argument behind us!"
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it...like humor...but different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume...Must you really marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
AND REMEMBER...If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
Why the " SH" is so important in YIDDISH ?
· SH MOK
· SH LEPER
· SH NORER
· SH LIMAZL
· SH LUMIEL
· SH VANTZ
· SH VITZER
· SH MENDRIK
· SH PAIEN OIFN KEIVER
· SH TIPN ARAIN
· SH TEIN UN HOISN
· SH TARK VI A FERD
· SH TARK VI AIZN
· SH IKLDIKE OIGN
· SH PILKES IN TUCHES
· SH EINER TUCHES
· SH MUTZIKE CHAIE
· SH VARTZE IORN
· SH VARTZE CHAIE
· SH TIK FLEISH
· SH TIK DREK
· FOILE SHTIK
· ER PISHT OIF SHTEINER
· "DI LEVONE SHAINT, DI SHTERN BLITZN, DER POTZ SH TEIT UN DI EIER SHVITZN"
· SH EINE REINE KAPURE
· SH EIGUETZ
· SH KUTZEM
· SH TARBT AVEK
· And the most important , stays in a happy place: The Sh ikse...
Midrash of the Two Brothers: Old and New Versions
THE FAMILIAR MIDRASH VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other.And it is on that hill that the Temple was built.
THE UPDATED VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, and daughters. The second lived by himself. It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up. And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.
"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate .Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." -- Jay Leno
"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." -- Jay Leno
"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." – Jon Stewart
"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business.... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." -- Jay Leno
"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" -- Jay Leno
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis." --Jay Leno
"The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn't trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men's room? I don't even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men's room." --Jay Leno
"You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How'd you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you." --Jay Leno
"There's another scandal in Washington. One of the senator's from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in airport men's room. Gives new meaning to the word 'caucusing.'" --David Letterman
"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something." --David Letterman
"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Larry Craig's bathroom incident
"Sen. Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why." --David Letterman
"Russian leader Vladimir Putin -- have you seen this guy? He gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. We used to have a pantless president, they've got a shirtless president. He was named 'Sexiest Commie Alive' ... nearly edging out Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il. ... But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, 'Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain'" --David Letterman
"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell." -Jay Leno
"I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card." - Jay Leno
Investment tips for 2007 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudi DoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ...9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary", said the teacher. It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say " Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
What does a blonde say when she gives birth? Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? After a dye job.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? They're doing research on black holes.
What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? They both have black roots.
Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide.
How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend invited her on a fishing trip. They got to the lake and he suggested they rent a rowboat. "No, let's just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she said. He continued for a while on the merits of them both relaxing in the rowboat together. Finally, she answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it." "Why so emotional?" her friend asked. Justice Ginsberg said, "I think its long past the time to put the row vs. wade argument behind us!"
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it...like humor...but different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume...Must you really marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
AND REMEMBER...If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
Why the " SH" is so important in YIDDISH ?
· SH MOK
· SH LEPER
· SH NORER
· SH LIMAZL
· SH LUMIEL
· SH VANTZ
· SH VITZER
· SH MENDRIK
· SH PAIEN OIFN KEIVER
· SH TIPN ARAIN
· SH TEIN UN HOISN
· SH TARK VI A FERD
· SH TARK VI AIZN
· SH IKLDIKE OIGN
· SH PILKES IN TUCHES
· SH EINER TUCHES
· SH MUTZIKE CHAIE
· SH VARTZE IORN
· SH VARTZE CHAIE
· SH TIK FLEISH
· SH TIK DREK
· FOILE SHTIK
· ER PISHT OIF SHTEINER
· "DI LEVONE SHAINT, DI SHTERN BLITZN, DER POTZ SH TEIT UN DI EIER SHVITZN"
· SH EINE REINE KAPURE
· SH EIGUETZ
· SH KUTZEM
· SH TARBT AVEK
· And the most important , stays in a happy place: The Sh ikse...
Midrash of the Two Brothers: Old and New Versions
THE FAMILIAR MIDRASH VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other.And it is on that hill that the Temple was built.
THE UPDATED VERSION
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, and daughters. The second lived by himself. It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up. And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.
Friday Funnies August 24 07
"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen:
a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and
b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him." --Bill Maher
"Michael Vick plead guilty to dog fighting charges and he may do jail time. ... They say that this guy went through more dogs than Bill Clinton" --David Letterman
"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
From David Letterman's Top 10 Good Things About Marrying into the Bush Family:
# 1: "Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family"
"Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware of that -- he's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family." --David Letterman
In talking with a friend, a father mentions that his son has decided to be a garbage collector when he grows up. His friend responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
A recent survey showed that at the age of twenty 90% of men have sex four times a week and that by the time they reach 60 they are still capable of telling the same pathetic lie.
Goat jokes
What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.
What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.
What do you call an outlaw goat? Billy the kid.
What do you call a goat that lip syncs?: Billy-Vanilli.!
At the performance review, the elderly priest, says to the younger priest, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nods, and the old priest continues, "And you said more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We're packed to the balcony!" "Thank you, Father," answers the young priest. "I'm pleased that you're open to the new youthful ideas." "However," says the elderly priest, "You went too far with the 'drive-thru' confessional." "But, Father," protests the young priest, "my confessions and the donations nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, my son," replies the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign on the roof, "Toot 'n Tell, or Go To Hell" has got to go!"
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:a. highwayb. jailhousec. empty bedd. bottom of a whiskey glassBad places for the Blues:a. Nordstrom'sb. gallery openingsc. Ivy League institutionsd. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime,Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.
-Scientists say the higher your I. Q. The more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three
-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. The population increase in the world is the reason for Global Warming if it exists.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?
Do you know what happened this week back in 1890? Toronto became a city.The city had panhandlers.The city had an amateur hockey team.The city had no money.There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like Toronto today except, the women's boobs were real, and the men didn't hold hands.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our quarterly dues check to the Beth Tzedek Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?" "Oy, no ! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks? "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?" Abe answers, "They'll find us."
a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and
b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him." --Bill Maher
"Michael Vick plead guilty to dog fighting charges and he may do jail time. ... They say that this guy went through more dogs than Bill Clinton" --David Letterman
"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
From David Letterman's Top 10 Good Things About Marrying into the Bush Family:
# 1: "Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family"
"Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware of that -- he's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family." --David Letterman
In talking with a friend, a father mentions that his son has decided to be a garbage collector when he grows up. His friend responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
A recent survey showed that at the age of twenty 90% of men have sex four times a week and that by the time they reach 60 they are still capable of telling the same pathetic lie.
Goat jokes
What do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.
What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.
What do you call an outlaw goat? Billy the kid.
What do you call a goat that lip syncs?: Billy-Vanilli.!
At the performance review, the elderly priest, says to the younger priest, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nods, and the old priest continues, "And you said more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We're packed to the balcony!" "Thank you, Father," answers the young priest. "I'm pleased that you're open to the new youthful ideas." "However," says the elderly priest, "You went too far with the 'drive-thru' confessional." "But, Father," protests the young priest, "my confessions and the donations nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, my son," replies the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign on the roof, "Toot 'n Tell, or Go To Hell" has got to go!"
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:a. highwayb. jailhousec. empty bedd. bottom of a whiskey glassBad places for the Blues:a. Nordstrom'sb. gallery openingsc. Ivy League institutionsd. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime,Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.
-Scientists say the higher your I. Q. The more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three
-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. The population increase in the world is the reason for Global Warming if it exists.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?
Do you know what happened this week back in 1890? Toronto became a city.The city had panhandlers.The city had an amateur hockey team.The city had no money.There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like Toronto today except, the women's boobs were real, and the men didn't hold hands.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our quarterly dues check to the Beth Tzedek Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?" "Oy, no ! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks? "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?" Abe answers, "They'll find us."
Friday Funnies August 17 07
"Last week was a busy, busy week for both major parties. Starting with the Democrats, who met for a candidates forum on Logo, the gay-oriented cable channel that is not Lifetime or Bravo. ... It was generally a friendly event, except for one William Richardson [on screen: Richardson saying homosexuality is a choice, when asked if homosexuality is a choice or it is biological]. ... Richardson then swung into damage control mode, explaining the next day he didn't understand the question because of jet lag. Yes, apparently, the governor had just flown in from the 1950s." --Jon Stewart
"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno
"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ...
The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno
This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno
"It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get you kicked out of office?" --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, President Bush's father said he gets upset when people tell him his son is doing a bad job. Bush's dad went on to say, 'You'd think after 60 years I'd be used to it.'" --Jay Leno
"The results of President's Bush's annual physical were released yesterday. It revealed that last year President Bush got a rash from a tick bite. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "A rash from a tick bite? I'll have to remember that one." --Jay Leno
"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. [She's] a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge the record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. ... See that. He does care about black people after all. ... He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is." --Jimmy Kimmel
Avian Amusements
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it's sparrowchute!
What's the craziest bird? The Cuckoo.
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle!
What's the adult film industry's most common bird? The Swallow.
What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn't give a hoot!
Which bird is a member of the Hair Club for Men? The Bald Eagle.
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw!
What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A great walkie-talkie!
Bunny Humour
How does Peter Cottontail stay so healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots!
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What is a bunny's motto? "Don't be mad, be hoppy!"
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What is a rabbit's favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon!
Raising Designations for "Levels of Alert":
- The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. - Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. - It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." - The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
- Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. - The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
A blonde with two red ears was asked by her doctor what had happened to her ears. She said, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back!"
A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Deep Thoughts on Golf
- for all you duffers out there:- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. .
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
- If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
- It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
- There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
- You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
- If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
- To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
- There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
- Hazards attract; fair ways repel.
- You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
- It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
- Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
- A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
- Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
- A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
- That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
- If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
- A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
- It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
- If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
- It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
- You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
--Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. 'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks God. 'I could eat,' Moses replies. So, God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: 'God, I am grateful
to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand.' God sighs. 'Let's be honest Moses,' he says. 'For just two people, does it pay to cook?'
"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno
"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ...
The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno
This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno
"It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get you kicked out of office?" --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, President Bush's father said he gets upset when people tell him his son is doing a bad job. Bush's dad went on to say, 'You'd think after 60 years I'd be used to it.'" --Jay Leno
"The results of President's Bush's annual physical were released yesterday. It revealed that last year President Bush got a rash from a tick bite. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "A rash from a tick bite? I'll have to remember that one." --Jay Leno
"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. [She's] a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge the record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. ... See that. He does care about black people after all. ... He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is." --Jimmy Kimmel
Avian Amusements
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird!
Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? With it's sparrowchute!
What's the craziest bird? The Cuckoo.
What is green and pecks on trees? Woody Wood Pickle!
What's the adult film industry's most common bird? The Swallow.
What happened when the owl lost his voice? He didn't give a hoot!
Which bird is a member of the Hair Club for Men? The Bald Eagle.
What do you call a Scottish parrot? A Macaw!
What do you call a bird that lives underground? A mynah bird!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A great walkie-talkie!
Bunny Humour
How does Peter Cottontail stay so healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots!
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What is a bunny's motto? "Don't be mad, be hoppy!"
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What is a rabbit's favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon!
Raising Designations for "Levels of Alert":
- The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. - Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. - It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." - The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
- Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. - The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
A blonde with two red ears was asked by her doctor what had happened to her ears. She said, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back!"
A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Deep Thoughts on Golf
- for all you duffers out there:- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. .
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
- If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
- It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
- There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
- You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
- If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
- To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
- There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
- Hazards attract; fair ways repel.
- You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
- It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
- Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
- A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
- Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
- A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
- That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
- If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
- A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
- It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
- If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
- It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
- You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
--Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. 'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks God. 'I could eat,' Moses replies. So, God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: 'God, I am grateful
to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand.' God sighs. 'Let's be honest Moses,' he says. 'For just two people, does it pay to cook?'
Friday Funnies August 10 07
"Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, 'The Bourne Ultimatum,' had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate." --Jay Leno
"If you haven't seen the movie, it's about a guy who works for the government who can't remember his past. I think the original title was 'The Alberto Gonzales Story.'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno
"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government's authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC." --Jay Leno
"According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. ... But I think there's something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants." --Jay Leno
"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards and his lovely wife Elizabeth celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this week the same way they do every year. He took her to Wendy's ... for a cheeseburger, chilli and a milkshake. See, that shows you how smart John Edwards is. Think about this. Most guys get an $8 haircut and have to take their wife out for a $400 anniversary dinner. He gets a $400 haircut and takes her out for an $8 dinner."
"The new prime minister of England visited New York this week. ... It's been reported that on Monday, Prime Minister Gordon Brown of England secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton's seventh secret meeting of the day." --Conan O'Brien
"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that's 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven't seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn." --Conan O'Brien
The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Golf or sex...you pick! A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice firetruck," he said with admiration. "Thanks" the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to runyour rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
An old farmer was walking past a neighbor’s farm one day when he noticed him in the process of digging a very large and deep hole. "What are you doing?" the farmer asked. "I'm burying my faithful old plow mule" replied the neighbor. The farmer bid his neighbor adieu and turned away shaking his head, muttering quietly to himself "Man, what an ass hole."
Ode to Plurals
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
Wealth and Rich Kids:
In an age where high-priced watches start at $10,000, parents buy $1,800 diaper bags by Louis Vuitton and Gucci, Mink Stoles for infants actually sell for $4,000 and up, and families considered truly wealthy have at least $100 Million in assets, we bring you Ten Timeless Quotes and Jabs to put their opulence into perspective.
"the Lucky Sperm Club" -- Warren Buffett (America's top living investor, aka: The Oracle of Omaha, describing the fortune of rich kids).
"My life was never destined to be happy. Inherited wealth is a big handicap to happiness. It is as certain death to ambition as cocaine is to morality." -- William K. Vanderbilt (one of the wealthiest men in American history (1849-1920), who inherited his fortune from his grandfather, Commodore Vanderbilt, (1794–1877)).
"There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else." -- Andrew Carnegie (one of the wealthiest industrialists of American history).
"Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time." – Margaret Bonnano
"Having one phone is normal. Having two is for the worker. Having three is for the fancy. Having four is for the rich, and having no phones, that's for the wealthy." -- Dis Connected
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now." -- Jack Handy (American Writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.)
"So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health." -- A. J. Reb Materi
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." -- Pablo Picasso (Spanish Artist and Painter. 1881-1973)
"This is an impressive crowd: the Have's and Have-more's. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base." -- George W. Bush (American 43rd US President since 2001. b.1946)
and the last one with which I most identify -
"Just once, Dear Lord, please give me a fortune just to let me determine whether or not money can make me happy." -- Poorman's Prayer
Some of Rodney Dangerfield’s better ones, God rest his soul!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St.Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
A young boy asks his dad,"What is the difference between confident and confidential? The father replies, "You’re my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
One of the ladies I met in a Ft. Lauderdale den of inequity one night showed me a picture of a sea shell that was tattooed on her inner thigh. She was trying to convince me that if I put my ear next to it, I could smell the seaweed from the beach.
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater. The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
Two neighbours were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? "Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
"If you haven't seen the movie, it's about a guy who works for the government who can't remember his past. I think the original title was 'The Alberto Gonzales Story.'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno
"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government's authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC." --Jay Leno
"According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. ... But I think there's something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants." --Jay Leno
"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards and his lovely wife Elizabeth celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this week the same way they do every year. He took her to Wendy's ... for a cheeseburger, chilli and a milkshake. See, that shows you how smart John Edwards is. Think about this. Most guys get an $8 haircut and have to take their wife out for a $400 anniversary dinner. He gets a $400 haircut and takes her out for an $8 dinner."
"The new prime minister of England visited New York this week. ... It's been reported that on Monday, Prime Minister Gordon Brown of England secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton's seventh secret meeting of the day." --Conan O'Brien
"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that's 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven't seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn." --Conan O'Brien
The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Golf or sex...you pick! A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice firetruck," he said with admiration. "Thanks" the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to runyour rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
An old farmer was walking past a neighbor’s farm one day when he noticed him in the process of digging a very large and deep hole. "What are you doing?" the farmer asked. "I'm burying my faithful old plow mule" replied the neighbor. The farmer bid his neighbor adieu and turned away shaking his head, muttering quietly to himself "Man, what an ass hole."
Ode to Plurals
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
Wealth and Rich Kids:
In an age where high-priced watches start at $10,000, parents buy $1,800 diaper bags by Louis Vuitton and Gucci, Mink Stoles for infants actually sell for $4,000 and up, and families considered truly wealthy have at least $100 Million in assets, we bring you Ten Timeless Quotes and Jabs to put their opulence into perspective.
"the Lucky Sperm Club" -- Warren Buffett (America's top living investor, aka: The Oracle of Omaha, describing the fortune of rich kids).
"My life was never destined to be happy. Inherited wealth is a big handicap to happiness. It is as certain death to ambition as cocaine is to morality." -- William K. Vanderbilt (one of the wealthiest men in American history (1849-1920), who inherited his fortune from his grandfather, Commodore Vanderbilt, (1794–1877)).
"There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else." -- Andrew Carnegie (one of the wealthiest industrialists of American history).
"Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time." – Margaret Bonnano
"Having one phone is normal. Having two is for the worker. Having three is for the fancy. Having four is for the rich, and having no phones, that's for the wealthy." -- Dis Connected
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now." -- Jack Handy (American Writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.)
"So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health." -- A. J. Reb Materi
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." -- Pablo Picasso (Spanish Artist and Painter. 1881-1973)
"This is an impressive crowd: the Have's and Have-more's. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base." -- George W. Bush (American 43rd US President since 2001. b.1946)
and the last one with which I most identify -
"Just once, Dear Lord, please give me a fortune just to let me determine whether or not money can make me happy." -- Poorman's Prayer
Some of Rodney Dangerfield’s better ones, God rest his soul!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St.Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
A young boy asks his dad,"What is the difference between confident and confidential? The father replies, "You’re my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
One of the ladies I met in a Ft. Lauderdale den of inequity one night showed me a picture of a sea shell that was tattooed on her inner thigh. She was trying to convince me that if I put my ear next to it, I could smell the seaweed from the beach.
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater. The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
Two neighbours were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? "Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
Friday Funnies August 3 07
"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots" --David Letterman
"But everything's fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush's colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass." --David Letterman
"President Bush is also having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy -- I'm telling you, it's just one probe after another" --David Letterman
"Happy Birthday to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde. ... Arnold, like everybody, is getting old. In fact, they are making a new documentary about his life. It's entitled 'Pumping Fiber'" --David Letterman
"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno
"A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know ... of people who follow the news. ... This whole administration is turning into a bad version of 'Wizard of Oz.' Cheney needs a heart. Gonzales needs some courage. Bush needs a brain." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton, down there in Washington, DC, appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a drink. ... She looked so hot, everyone thought she was Senator Vitter's date. ... She looked so hot, by mistake, Bill hit on her" --David Letterman
"A panel investigating NASA found a heavy use of alcohol by astronauts before launches. In at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated that they actually posed a health risk. Maybe that's why they call it the Kennedy Space Center." --Jay Leno
Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney had a device implanted that monitors his heart beat. To test the device, doctors had to induce a mild heart attack. You know how they did it? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel. ... Working on Dick Cheney's heart. Boy, talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno
"It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it's really icy. As Hillary calls that, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve?" --Jay Leno
"This weekend, President Bush was unconscious -- even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. ... They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby" --Stephen Colbert
"Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women's vote. They say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women's outreach ... and another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill's reach." --Jay Leno
"It got a little testy at the debates the other night, where Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. And then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being 'naive.' Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would forsake all others til death do you part?" --Jay Leno
"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer." --Jay Leno
2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule
7:00 p.m. ......Opening Flag Burning.
7:15 p.m. ......Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.
7:30 p.m. .......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 - 8 p.m. ....Non-religious prayer and worship:.....Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton
8:00 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 p.m. ........Ceremonial Tree Hugging.
8:15-8:30 p.m. ...Gay Wedding Barney Frank, officiating
8:30 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:00 p.m. .Keynote Speech: "The Proper Etiquette for Surrender" former French President Jacques Chirac.
9:20 p.m.....Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.
9:30 p.m....Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay.....Sean Penn.
9:40 p.m. ....Why I hate the Military ........A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 p.m. .Dan Rather receives "Truth in Broadcasting" award presented by Michael Moore.
9:55 p.m. ......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:20 p.m. ...nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton for President by Osama Bin Laden
11:00 p.m. ......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 p.m. ........Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15 p.m. ......"Our Troops are War Criminals" presented by John Kerry.
11:30 p.m.........Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 a.m......... Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 a.m...........Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
QUESTION: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.
Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
Nancy Polosi: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
Anderson Cooper - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr Seuss:Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.
Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
Al Gore:I invented the chicken!
Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?
Dick Cheney: Where's my shotgun?
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off, please?" she says. "I really feel like shit today."
Ode to Johnny Smeaton - No translation for the English
Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bar steward
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht 'a wumman driver'
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae FUCK.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. ''Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, 'If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite," The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots" --David Letterman
"But everything's fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush's colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass." --David Letterman
"President Bush is also having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy -- I'm telling you, it's just one probe after another" --David Letterman
"Happy Birthday to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde. ... Arnold, like everybody, is getting old. In fact, they are making a new documentary about his life. It's entitled 'Pumping Fiber'" --David Letterman
"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno
"A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know ... of people who follow the news. ... This whole administration is turning into a bad version of 'Wizard of Oz.' Cheney needs a heart. Gonzales needs some courage. Bush needs a brain." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton, down there in Washington, DC, appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a drink. ... She looked so hot, everyone thought she was Senator Vitter's date. ... She looked so hot, by mistake, Bill hit on her" --David Letterman
"A panel investigating NASA found a heavy use of alcohol by astronauts before launches. In at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated that they actually posed a health risk. Maybe that's why they call it the Kennedy Space Center." --Jay Leno
Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney had a device implanted that monitors his heart beat. To test the device, doctors had to induce a mild heart attack. You know how they did it? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel. ... Working on Dick Cheney's heart. Boy, talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno
"It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it's really icy. As Hillary calls that, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve?" --Jay Leno
"This weekend, President Bush was unconscious -- even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. ... They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby" --Stephen Colbert
"Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women's vote. They say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women's outreach ... and another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill's reach." --Jay Leno
"It got a little testy at the debates the other night, where Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. And then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being 'naive.' Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would forsake all others til death do you part?" --Jay Leno
"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer." --Jay Leno
2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule
7:00 p.m. ......Opening Flag Burning.
7:15 p.m. ......Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.
7:30 p.m. .......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 - 8 p.m. ....Non-religious prayer and worship:.....Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton
8:00 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 p.m. ........Ceremonial Tree Hugging.
8:15-8:30 p.m. ...Gay Wedding Barney Frank, officiating
8:30 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:00 p.m. .Keynote Speech: "The Proper Etiquette for Surrender" former French President Jacques Chirac.
9:20 p.m.....Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.
9:30 p.m....Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay.....Sean Penn.
9:40 p.m. ....Why I hate the Military ........A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 p.m. .....Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 p.m. .Dan Rather receives "Truth in Broadcasting" award presented by Michael Moore.
9:55 p.m. ......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:20 p.m. ...nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton for President by Osama Bin Laden
11:00 p.m. ......Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 p.m. ........Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15 p.m. ......"Our Troops are War Criminals" presented by John Kerry.
11:30 p.m.........Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 a.m......... Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 a.m...........Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
QUESTION: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.
Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
Nancy Polosi: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
Anderson Cooper - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr Seuss:Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.
Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
Al Gore:I invented the chicken!
Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?
Dick Cheney: Where's my shotgun?
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off, please?" she says. "I really feel like shit today."
Ode to Johnny Smeaton - No translation for the English
Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bar steward
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht 'a wumman driver'
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae FUCK.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. ''Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, 'If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite," The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Friday Funnies July 27 07
"Did you hear what happened in Iowa the other day? Two women see Bill Clinton at a parade and they thought he was Bob Barker from 'The Price is Right.' ... They're going, 'Bob. Bob.' You can understand why. When Clinton saw the girls, he was saying, 'Come on down.'" --Jay Leno
"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno
"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders, that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems" --Conan O'Brien
Ten Gaffes that would happen under President Rudy Giuliani:
10. To set a precedent of fiscal forward-thinking, President Giuliani will sell advertising on the outside of the White House to Coca-Cola, MetLife Insurance and Lockheed Martin.
9. Vice President Sean Hannity will accidentally shoot himself in the foot while interviewing the NRA's Media Executive VP Wayne LaPierre.
8. The word "Veto" will be replaced by the word "Vito Says No."
7. President Giuliani will crucify fellow New Yorker Howard Stern for his popular Broad-casts and decry the sin-dickated scandals as "Hot Lesbian Affairs" more dangerous to America than 9/11.
6. To win the war in Iraq, President Giuliani will send in New York City's mostly highly-trained combat forces... the Guardian Angels.
5. President Giuliani will appoint fellow New Yorker Donald Trump as Secretary of Decadent Luxury.
4. The presidential motorcade will be blasting the soundtrack of "The Godfather."
3. President Giuliani will appoint fellow New Yorker George Steinbrenner as Secretary of Phat Payrolls.
2. President Giuliani will get censured for flying the American Flag lower than his New York Yankees pennant, though he'll escape impeachment as soon as they win their next World Series.
1. President Giuliani will adopt intercultural policies by appointing fellow New Yorker Woody Allen as Undersecretary of Asia Minor Youth Affairs.
The military theorist and historian B. H. Liddell Hart once remarked to George Bernard Shaw: "Do you know that 'sumac' and 'sugar' are the only two words in the English language that begin with 'su' and are pronounced 'shu'?" Replied Shaw: "Are you sure?
A little geology humour:Two Geologists are walking across a granite outcrop one day. The first says to the second "Hey, this terrain is unmetamorphosed". Replies the second one, "No Schist".
A lot of readers won’t get theses jokes. That's ok, because "Igneous is bliss"
Watson: Holmes! What kind of rock is this!
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Something tells me these jokes are not gneiss.
My sediments exactly!
CREATIVE POLITICAL WRITING AT ITS BEST
Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, Was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On The back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, Sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in1889." Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional Image adjusters cropped Remus's picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and Edited it with image processing software so all that's seen is a head shot.The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:"Remus Rodham was a Famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include Acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to Service at a government facility, finally Taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key Player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held In his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."And THAT is how it's done folks!
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all theway through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day."
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote."
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him."Did you call for me? " asked the hairy man."No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer."You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: There is a man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? Well, after 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says, "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie Turner or Willie Taylor." He got the job!
Thoughts on marriage:
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Our marriage is one of "give and take". I give - she takes
It is a little-known fact that Maurice Chevalier, the French actor/ singer, also was a small businessman. In addition to his stage and screen successes, he operated a chain of propane shops, where people would bring their tanks in for gas refills. The name of his company was "Tank Heaven for Little Grills."
"I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, "I Can't Believe It's not Butter." Their theme song will be "When the Saints Go Margarine."
I realize that we all have mixed feelings about Khalil Ahmed and his reckless driving habits demonstrated at Glasgow Airport. While recovering from his injuries, he has been complaining about his treatment at the hospital, especially the food. Rather than a traditional Arab diet, he has been forced to consume porridge, haggis, neeps and tatties. Well, what did he expect? He is, after all, in a Burns unit.
Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers? It’s known as the "My Fault" policy.
Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. Okay?" "Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?"
George Carlin's New Rules For 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what t the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that water taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for wed dings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
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