"Have you been following what's going on in Iran? Oh, it's crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn't ruin the swinging Iranian night life." --David Letterman "
And the leader of Iran's opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he's ready to become a martyr. Don't kid yourselves. It's tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you're only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops." --David Letterman "
According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers." --Conan O'Brien "
Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like 'low tar' and 'light.' The tobacco companies said from now on they'll label their low tar cigarettes as 'less cancerific.'" --Conan O'Brien "
The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we're going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher
"No, it's sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that's propped up by oil, that's led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska." "Don't you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that's how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what's going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they're dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service." --Bill Maher
"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher
"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher
"Today, Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there's no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know, I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross." --Jimmy Fallon
"But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman
"But the Iranian supreme leader will be speaking about the presidential election tomorrow. And if he does well, Al Jazeera will give him the 10:00 p.m. spot." --David Letterman
"The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life." --Conan O'Brien
"Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she's telling everybody it was sniper fire." --Craig Ferguson
"The Secret Service performed beautifully but they had to use the Jaws of Life to cut Hillary out of her pantsuit." --Craig Ferguson
"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon "Here's some good news. President Obama just appointed Tom Brokaw to his Commission on White House Fellowships, mostly because he loves to hear Brokaw try to pronounce fellowship." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I guess there was some good news for Detroit. That's a tough city going through tough times. But the deal between Chrysler and Fiat went through this week. There is now going to be a Chrysler-Fiat. All the reliability of a Fiat, combined with the youthful appeal of a Chrysler. Even Oprah couldn't give this shit away" --Bill Maher
"It's been reported, I think this just came out today, that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it's the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter." --Conan O'Brien
"The country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of President Obama, a new book is coming out; hasn't been out yet, I think. But it's coming out. And it claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, where their relationship was somewhat frosty. Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd kill for somewhat frosty.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I'm learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That's true. Luckily for us, that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here." --Conan O'Brien
"Think about this. Obama is in the Middle East trying to straighten out the world, trying to make things better than they were. And talk about pressure, talk about a guy who's being busy, talk about a guy, every move is being scrutinized. Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have John McCain. He's at a bakery waiting for his number to be called." --David Letterman
"Sooner or later, every president has to go to the Middle East. President Bush went to negotiate agreements on oil prices. President Clinton went to negotiate agreements on oil wrestling." --Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden put out a new audiotape today. I'm like, you're a bit behind the times, you know. We don't use the audiotape. Everyone is on Twitter now." --Craig Ferguson
"A new poll shows that Americans have a more negative view of Muslim countries now than back in 2002. That's because the media never reports any of the good bombings." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon
"Have any of you been watching this show, 'Inside the Obama White House'? It's a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty five women and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama's love. And Congress votes them out one by one." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs It's Time For Kim Jong-Il to Retire:
10. Recently spent 11 hours interrogating a coat rack.
9. Instead of "dear leader" now insists on being called "Petey."
8. Hasn't stopped sobbing since Susan Boyle lost.
7. Plans to spend summer following Coldplay.
6. Eager to appear in new reality show, "I'm a murderous dictator...get me out of here!"
5. Hardly ever updates his erotic blog.
4. Spends all day watching classic episodes of "Miami Vice" on Hulu.
3. Hinting he wants to play quarterback for the Vikings.
2. Republic already named his successor, Conan Jong-il.
1. Having trouble getting his missile off the ground, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Three men were comparing notes on training their new wives. The first man married a woman that was Polish. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman that was Italian. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a woman that was Jewish. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Newfoundlanders have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You’re going to die anyway, so live life and drink till you cannot lift your own mug! Newfie Medical Dictionary
Artery............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan....................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.............................. A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................ To live long
Enema...........................Not a friend
Fester........................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula........................... A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates..... .................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.............................. I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
Skinny little Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this humungous black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown. 'The little Newfie faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little white Newfie says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!'
A New Zealander walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when," he says. He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. '
An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company ' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike... '
'Looks like the Sanders are moving '
'Jason is on his skate board.... '
'The Coopers are having sex!! '
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex? ' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle.
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Four Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
A hard woman once said that living with a man is like a deck of playing cards because you need a Heart to love him, A Diamond to marry him, a Club to smash his fucking head in and a Spade to bury the bastard!
Life in a nutshell: Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor? 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
A blonde asks her boyfriend to help her with a killer jigsaw puzzle that she couldn't figure out how to get started. Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend takes one look at the pieces spread on the table, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “Sweetie, we’ll never make a rooster from these pieces so let me just help you put all the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes back in the box.”
This is the fairytale that should have been read to us as children:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.” That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, “I don’t fucking think so!”
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser". To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"
Eve’s side of the story:After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'
Moshe was a very successful banker in New York, but it was making him sick, so he moved to Montana to take up ranching. He was always observant to the laws of Moses and in fact whenever he had a major decision to make he always referred to the Torah (the 5 books of Moses). His ranch became extremely successful while all of his neighbours were in deep trouble. Finally the neighbours put together a committee to visit Moshe to find out how he does it. Moshe told them that whenever he has a major decision to make, he randomly opens up the text of the 5 books, puts his finger on a page and does whatever it tells him. For example, one day he wasn’t sure what type of farming to pursue, he flips open the book, put his finger down. It told the story of Abraham raising cattle. So Moshe invested in cattle and made a fortune. The townsfolk asked for another example. Again, Moshe related a story of another time when he wasn’t sure what crop to plant and randomly opening the book he came to the part that talked of Joseph and the wheat Once again, this method proved successful and Moshe increased his wealth. The townsfolk thanked him and left. When one of them had a major decision to make, he opened up his King James Bible, put his finger in and read: `CHAPTER 11``
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer? Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge. I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele." Shmuel thanked the judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-tractor trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my car right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How you feeling?" "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment. Go ahead SMILE... it's OK... it's good for you!
"It doesn't matter what we call our soul" Daddy Moses said, "What matters is where we travel and who it uplifts". "The Book of Negroes", by Lawrence Hill.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday Funnies July 19 09
A Well-Planned Retirement - From The London Times:
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..." "Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility." "Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" "Err ... NO!" insisted the Council. Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million, and no one even knows his name!
A guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. The man says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're sitting on my side."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we ...” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday...”
On his 77th birthday, a man called Bill got a gift certificate from his wife Marion. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'. I'm in great distress at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus. The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash. Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm. All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year! Now you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?" The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded." Mulhany, a true lover of golf, thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, join the synagogue, regularly attends services and leads a holy life. About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71. He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal? "What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi. "Beth El ", is the reply. The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck, Beth El is for tennis!”
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..." "Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility." "Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" "Err ... NO!" insisted the Council. Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million, and no one even knows his name!
A guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. The man says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're sitting on my side."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we ...” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday...”
On his 77th birthday, a man called Bill got a gift certificate from his wife Marion. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'. I'm in great distress at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus. The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash. Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm. All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year! Now you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?" The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded." Mulhany, a true lover of golf, thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, join the synagogue, regularly attends services and leads a holy life. About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71. He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal? "What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi. "Beth El ", is the reply. The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck, Beth El is for tennis!”
Friday Funnies June 12 09
Greetings from my Single Malt Whisky Tour of Scotland. My wife sent me on this trip with a scotch tasting club in honour of my 60th birthday, but it was actually recommended by my doctor as well, as I have been diagnosed as methyphobic (fearing alcohol). Thank goodness it was diagnosed in time and I can take this trip of seventeen distillery tours as exposure therapy. So far it seems to be working wonders! Cheers!
What a wonderful whisky tour we’re enjoying here in bonnie Scotland. After a tour of our first distillery, Auchentoshan (a very light triple-distilled Lowland malt), we spent our first night at the Argyll in Inverary on the western shore of Loch Fyne. Unfortunately we just missed the Blue Bell Festival by a few days, but luckily we were just in time for the Drink-As-Much-Scotch-As-You-Want Festival! Then we took the ferry crossing to the Inner Hebrides and the Isle of Islay. Upon arrival on Islay we headed to the town of Bowmore, on the south shore of Loch Indaal. We've been staying in the Bowmore Cottages on the grounds of the Bowmore Distillery. This is like heaven for me because my favourite malts are the maritime malts and my favourite Island is Islay (just one of 787 Scottish Islands and one of seven that have distilleries) and we toured all seven active distilleries (including my favourite, Lagavulin). The Ileach’s (as the island native’s are called) are a sturdy and very warm bunch of people.
We’re having a great time traveling by motor coach around Islay and visiting many distilleries and sundry landmarks and attractions. Yesterday we stopped at a cheese farm where a young guide led us through the process of cheese making, explaining that on this particular farm, goat's milk was used. She showed our group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in Canada with your old goats?' The gentleman beside me answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Last night in our hotel bar I ordered a single malt scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gave me the drink I told him, I was on this tour to celebrate my 60th birthday.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As I finished my drink, the man to my right said, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' I said, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a single malt scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As I finished that drink, the man to my left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' I said, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another single malt scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives me the drink, he says, 'Sir, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with only two drops of water?' I replied, 'Son, when you get to my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whoooooole other issue.'
One of the Ileach lads I was drinking with at a local pub is a bagpiper. He was telling us that the other day he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. The piper played out his heart and soul. As he played the workers began to weep. He played and he played like he'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. He closed the lengthy session with a particularly stirring rendition of Amazing Grace and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
A few things you may not know about alcohol:
- Fermentation within the body is essential for human life to exist.
- It's impossible to create a beverage of over 18% alcohol by fermentation alone (hence the need for distillation)
- Dipsomania refers to an abnormal or insatiable craving for alcohol.
- When re-arranged, the letters in "whiskey" spell "key wish," those in "spirits" spell "sip it sir."
- The body or lightness of whiskey is primarily determined by the size of the grain from which it is made; the larger the grain, the lighter the whiskey. For example, whiskey made from rye, with its small grain size, is bigger or fuller-bodied than is whiskey made from corn, with its large grain size.
Another chap on the whisky tour spied a kilt in a shop that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted. The chap then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"
“Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland. He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. At the office he recieves his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland. He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authorised its translation. No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland. Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood.
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied "Ah, but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"
An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish customer grabs the balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. 'Did anyone else see ma face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments silence then one elderly Scottish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says... 'I think ma wife may have caught a wee glimpse...'
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? Nae bother - just take up a collection.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
Jock decided to call his fat father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!
Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...
Why do pipers march when they play the bagpipes? To get as far away from the noise as possible – besides, a moving target is harder to hit.
Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours. The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English. About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?" "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?" "About two acres" Jock replies. "You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!" the American boasts. "Aye", says Jock "I once had a car like that."
A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults." "Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.
A dear friend was the last of five Scottish sisters to marry. The confetti was filthy.
A Scottish farmer walking through his field, sees a man drinking water from a pond with his hand. The Scotsman shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that as full o coos sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but I did not understand a bloody word you spoke. I’m from Oxford so could you please address me in the Queen’s English! The farmer replies, “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Scottish Expressions explained by a Scotsman:
Aye we know there’s a lot o’ folk oot there who didnae understawm a word we sae. So here is a list o’ some o’ the words and phrases we use and a version o’ them in English.
Thatsnaeborra. It is no bother to do this.
Geesalight? Do you have a light for my cigarette please.
Geesabreak. I am running out of patience with you.
Geesafag? Could you give me one of your cigarettes please.
Howzitgaun? How are you today?
Whitasmather. Isn't that lady delightful.
Gonnaepirritinapoke? Could you please put this in a carrier bag?
Gerruptheweansgreetin. Please go and check on the baby, I hear it crying.
Watchooterrapolis. I thin we have better move along, I can see the local constabulary approaching.
Kinyegeemesumthinfurrit. I have a terrible pain and I would like something to take it away.
Gonnaegetratclowndoonhere. Please tell my husband to come downstairs.
Hawdoanaminutamdainsumthin. Please wait for a minute until I finish this.
Witdaeyewantnoo? What is it you want me to do now.
Aryegonygotaethebrooandsignoan? Are you going to go to the Social Security offices today.
Maheidisnippinthedayneveragain. My head is really sore today, I don't think I will drink again.
Thatbevywistaemuchferme. That alcoholic beverage was really quite strong.
Goangetusaweepokeyhatatthevan. Please get me an ice cream cone from the ice cream man.
Thatweewummansarightnippysweetie! That lady is very bad tempered.
Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Scottish Jokes:
10. It took me a fortnight to get out all the thistles
9. I didn’t know you could also get wool from them!
8. It’s not a bagpipe, but don’t stop playing
7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
6. I’ve heard of comin’ through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
5. Of course she’s served millions - she’s a McDonald!
4. Oh, so YOU’RE Wade Boggs.
3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
2. Who’s burning argyles?
1. She’s in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red
MacBeth the Scot (Sung to the tune of my favourite song, "Mack the Knife")
Oh the Black Knight
Has a longswordAnd he keeps it
Gleaming brightJust a dagger
Has old MacBeth, DearBut he keeps it
Out of sight!
When the Black Knight
Strikes with his longswordBillows of scarlet
Start to spreadFancy gloves wears
Old MacBeth, DearSo there's never
Never a trace of red!
In the castle
In the guestroomLies a body
Oozing life.Someone sneaking
'Round the cornerCould that someone
Be MacBeth the Scot?
Jenny Diver,
Sukie Tawdry,Miss Lotta Lenya
And old Lucy Brown.Oh that line forms
On the right, BabeNow that MacBeth
He's back in town!
(Big Finale)Oh that line forms
On the right, BabeNow that MacBeth
He's back in town!
(Spoken)Look out! Old Macky's BACK!
My Mother was English and I’m very, very proud of it. My Father was Scotch.... and I’m very, very fond of it.
My best friend Lew and I were sharing a wee dram of malt one night and waxing somewhat soberly on the subject of death. We talked of our pre-purchased plots and the type of headstones we might want. Then Lew said, “Brian would you promise me that if I die before you, that you’ll pour a bottle of the finest single malt over my grave?” I said, Lew, it would be my great pleasure to do so in honour of our long friendship, but would you mind awfully if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
To my friends who enjoy a glass of scotch… and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking scotch because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember this:
Water = Shit
Scotch = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink scotch and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
To your Health!
Slainte mhor! (pronounced Slanjeh Vahr)
L’ Chaim!
What a wonderful whisky tour we’re enjoying here in bonnie Scotland. After a tour of our first distillery, Auchentoshan (a very light triple-distilled Lowland malt), we spent our first night at the Argyll in Inverary on the western shore of Loch Fyne. Unfortunately we just missed the Blue Bell Festival by a few days, but luckily we were just in time for the Drink-As-Much-Scotch-As-You-Want Festival! Then we took the ferry crossing to the Inner Hebrides and the Isle of Islay. Upon arrival on Islay we headed to the town of Bowmore, on the south shore of Loch Indaal. We've been staying in the Bowmore Cottages on the grounds of the Bowmore Distillery. This is like heaven for me because my favourite malts are the maritime malts and my favourite Island is Islay (just one of 787 Scottish Islands and one of seven that have distilleries) and we toured all seven active distilleries (including my favourite, Lagavulin). The Ileach’s (as the island native’s are called) are a sturdy and very warm bunch of people.
We’re having a great time traveling by motor coach around Islay and visiting many distilleries and sundry landmarks and attractions. Yesterday we stopped at a cheese farm where a young guide led us through the process of cheese making, explaining that on this particular farm, goat's milk was used. She showed our group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in Canada with your old goats?' The gentleman beside me answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Last night in our hotel bar I ordered a single malt scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gave me the drink I told him, I was on this tour to celebrate my 60th birthday.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As I finished my drink, the man to my right said, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' I said, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a single malt scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As I finished that drink, the man to my left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' I said, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another single malt scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives me the drink, he says, 'Sir, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with only two drops of water?' I replied, 'Son, when you get to my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whoooooole other issue.'
One of the Ileach lads I was drinking with at a local pub is a bagpiper. He was telling us that the other day he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. The piper played out his heart and soul. As he played the workers began to weep. He played and he played like he'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. He closed the lengthy session with a particularly stirring rendition of Amazing Grace and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
A few things you may not know about alcohol:
- Fermentation within the body is essential for human life to exist.
- It's impossible to create a beverage of over 18% alcohol by fermentation alone (hence the need for distillation)
- Dipsomania refers to an abnormal or insatiable craving for alcohol.
- When re-arranged, the letters in "whiskey" spell "key wish," those in "spirits" spell "sip it sir."
- The body or lightness of whiskey is primarily determined by the size of the grain from which it is made; the larger the grain, the lighter the whiskey. For example, whiskey made from rye, with its small grain size, is bigger or fuller-bodied than is whiskey made from corn, with its large grain size.
Another chap on the whisky tour spied a kilt in a shop that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted. The chap then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"
“Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland. He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. At the office he recieves his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland. He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authorised its translation. No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland. Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood.
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied "Ah, but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"
An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish customer grabs the balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. 'Did anyone else see ma face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments silence then one elderly Scottish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says... 'I think ma wife may have caught a wee glimpse...'
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? Nae bother - just take up a collection.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
Jock decided to call his fat father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!
Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...
Why do pipers march when they play the bagpipes? To get as far away from the noise as possible – besides, a moving target is harder to hit.
Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours. The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English. About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?" "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?" "About two acres" Jock replies. "You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!" the American boasts. "Aye", says Jock "I once had a car like that."
A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults." "Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.
A dear friend was the last of five Scottish sisters to marry. The confetti was filthy.
A Scottish farmer walking through his field, sees a man drinking water from a pond with his hand. The Scotsman shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that as full o coos sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but I did not understand a bloody word you spoke. I’m from Oxford so could you please address me in the Queen’s English! The farmer replies, “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Scottish Expressions explained by a Scotsman:
Aye we know there’s a lot o’ folk oot there who didnae understawm a word we sae. So here is a list o’ some o’ the words and phrases we use and a version o’ them in English.
Thatsnaeborra. It is no bother to do this.
Geesalight? Do you have a light for my cigarette please.
Geesabreak. I am running out of patience with you.
Geesafag? Could you give me one of your cigarettes please.
Howzitgaun? How are you today?
Whitasmather. Isn't that lady delightful.
Gonnaepirritinapoke? Could you please put this in a carrier bag?
Gerruptheweansgreetin. Please go and check on the baby, I hear it crying.
Watchooterrapolis. I thin we have better move along, I can see the local constabulary approaching.
Kinyegeemesumthinfurrit. I have a terrible pain and I would like something to take it away.
Gonnaegetratclowndoonhere. Please tell my husband to come downstairs.
Hawdoanaminutamdainsumthin. Please wait for a minute until I finish this.
Witdaeyewantnoo? What is it you want me to do now.
Aryegonygotaethebrooandsignoan? Are you going to go to the Social Security offices today.
Maheidisnippinthedayneveragain. My head is really sore today, I don't think I will drink again.
Thatbevywistaemuchferme. That alcoholic beverage was really quite strong.
Goangetusaweepokeyhatatthevan. Please get me an ice cream cone from the ice cream man.
Thatweewummansarightnippysweetie! That lady is very bad tempered.
Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Scottish Jokes:
10. It took me a fortnight to get out all the thistles
9. I didn’t know you could also get wool from them!
8. It’s not a bagpipe, but don’t stop playing
7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
6. I’ve heard of comin’ through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
5. Of course she’s served millions - she’s a McDonald!
4. Oh, so YOU’RE Wade Boggs.
3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
2. Who’s burning argyles?
1. She’s in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red
MacBeth the Scot (Sung to the tune of my favourite song, "Mack the Knife")
Oh the Black Knight
Has a longswordAnd he keeps it
Gleaming brightJust a dagger
Has old MacBeth, DearBut he keeps it
Out of sight!
When the Black Knight
Strikes with his longswordBillows of scarlet
Start to spreadFancy gloves wears
Old MacBeth, DearSo there's never
Never a trace of red!
In the castle
In the guestroomLies a body
Oozing life.Someone sneaking
'Round the cornerCould that someone
Be MacBeth the Scot?
Jenny Diver,
Sukie Tawdry,Miss Lotta Lenya
And old Lucy Brown.Oh that line forms
On the right, BabeNow that MacBeth
He's back in town!
(Big Finale)Oh that line forms
On the right, BabeNow that MacBeth
He's back in town!
(Spoken)Look out! Old Macky's BACK!
My Mother was English and I’m very, very proud of it. My Father was Scotch.... and I’m very, very fond of it.
My best friend Lew and I were sharing a wee dram of malt one night and waxing somewhat soberly on the subject of death. We talked of our pre-purchased plots and the type of headstones we might want. Then Lew said, “Brian would you promise me that if I die before you, that you’ll pour a bottle of the finest single malt over my grave?” I said, Lew, it would be my great pleasure to do so in honour of our long friendship, but would you mind awfully if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
To my friends who enjoy a glass of scotch… and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking scotch because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember this:
Water = Shit
Scotch = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink scotch and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
To your Health!
Slainte mhor! (pronounced Slanjeh Vahr)
L’ Chaim!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Friday Funnies June 5 09
Just to let you know, tomorrow I'm heading off on a two week trip to Scotland with a Toronto scotch tasting club visiting about 17 of their finest distilleries. As we will be in some of the more remote parts of the country, possibly lacking easy access to the internet, I'm not sure that I'll find the time to to attend to the Friday Funnies for a couple of weeks.
"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien
"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman
"Then Cheney is on television yesterday. He's giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman
"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman
"Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson
"Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in." --Craig Ferguson
"There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here." --Craig Ferguson
"You know about that North Korean madman dictator Kim Jong Il. Well, there's word he may be letting go and stepping down. And apparently to get the guy to relinquish power, in order to get him to step down and leave his office, they offered him the 10:00 spot. I just heard that. And they think he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong 'W' Il." --David Letterman
"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, 'Hey, who's up for a vote? Just kidding, my son's going to do it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"I'm so glad to see things working out for Lil' Kim." --Jimmy Fallon
"If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno, everything goes to hell around here." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.' Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and 'The Tonight Show'' is sponsored by General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge night for me. I remember watching Johnny Carson when I was a kid and thinking, 'That's what I want to be when I grow up.' I'm sure right now somewhere in America, there's a little kid watching me, thinking, 'What is wrong with that man's hair? Is that even a man? Why is she crying?' Stick with it, kid!" --Conan O'Brien
"I want to say something. I think they have built us a beautiful studio here in Los Angeles. Absolutely gorgeous. This studio holds 380 people. That's right. Yeah, it's exactly like being at a Clippers game. I found what works in this town." --Conan O'Brien
"General Motors filed for bankruptcy. Said they owe $175 billion, filed for bankruptcy. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You know what it means, GM filing for bankruptcy? I'll tell you what it means. It means another enormous bonus for their CEO That's what it means." --David Letterman
"Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers' money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America's brother-in-law. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"Over the weekend George W. Bush -- you remember George W. -- and Bill Clinton, Bubba -- you remember Bubba. They had a debate up there in Toronto, Canada. Up in Toronto. Yeah. The last time they were both in Canada, I think, was when they were trying to get out of Vietnam. Is that right? Do you remember? Something like that. I don't know." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson
"There's also the good news that today, Dick Cheney received a marriage proposal from Senator Larry Craig." --Craig Ferguson
"I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first." --Jimmy Fallon
"So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? [on screen: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asking, 'My question is, does she really understand what America is about?']. Excellent question for the American-born judge." --Jon Stewart
"Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's pronounced 'Sodomizer.'" --Jon Stewart
"Now, folks, I've said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn't a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media." –Stephen Colbert
"Sotomayor brings up the most despicable discrimination against white males out there, that we have no life stories! Sure, Obama's life story shaped him. Same goes for Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. And now everyone's saying it about Sonia Sotomayor. Notice how no one ever talks about the unique journey of a white male like Mitt Romney! You don't think his judgment and empathy were forged by long, hard days working at his family's mayonnaise farm?" –Stephen Colbert
"Plus, if we conservatives try to stand up to this reverse racism, we're going to lose crucial Latino votes, just as GOP leaders were beginning their outreach to Hispanics! Many have even asked their gardener what his name is!" –Stephen Colbert
"President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood. And, really, is there any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood? The place that brought you four 'Terminator' sequels, 10 'Police Academy' movies and 29 'Star Trek' films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas." --Jay Leno
"Hey, tonight, former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held a debate in Toronto. I wish I had one more day." --Jay Leno
"Tonight was the last 'Tonight Show' hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I'd like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the 'Tonight Show. He said, 'This, of course, is the 'Tonight Show,' the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than 'Murphy Brown.' That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it." --Jimmy Fallon
"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, 'unqualified.' And, you know, her personal background, Puerto Rican, raised in the New York City housing projects. Will be played in a movie by Rosie Perez, or John Leguizamo in drag. One of the two." --Bill Maher
"Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher
"She's, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say ... that a wise Latina woman ... with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point." --Bill Maher
"What is so ironic about this is that this is why the Republican party is so in the wilderness right now, because it is a party where policy has been made for so many years by people who never had these kind of experiences. Real-life, real people experiences: Poverty, lack of health care, racism. I mean, the last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid getting in his drugs." --Bill Maher
"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher
"But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian -- yeah, like he came over from the Mayflower. That's Armenian, I would guess. He says she's not pronouncing her name right, and that's sort of offensive to the rest of us 'real Americans,' Mr. Kerkorian, and that she ... pronounces 'Sotomayor' [with the] accent on the last syllable. That's not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a 'natural English pronunciation.' So whenever I refer to this guy, I'm going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a 'doucheBAG.'" --Bill Maher
"Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy." --Jay Leno
"Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren't you legally a Republican at this point? I think so." --Jay Leno
"Actually, there was a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire, which ironically is also the Democratic energy policy -- earth, wind and fire.'" --Jay Leno
"Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden's teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that's when you know you're talking to too much -- when even Mother Nature goes, 'Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.'" --Jay Leno
"Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that's because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. I'm not an economist, but here's a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us." --Jay Leno
"And we're learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because the Supreme Court's next session doesn't begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it." --Jay Leno
"Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question: 'Let's see how you look under that robe.'' --Jay Leno
"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno
"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon
Recession Updates:
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off!
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.
3. Iron man is now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money.
5. With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune? Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
7. Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean? In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a Wall Street banker: This is worse than divorce. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife!
Yeah, the economy is so bad we hear Obama’s gonna put a 40 per cent tax on aspirin because it’s white and it works!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN CHECK BELOW:
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the gun have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Oldie Goldie
Bob can't get an erection, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Bob asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him that they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephants' trunk, insert them in the base of the penis, and hope for the best. Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he agrees to have the surgery. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery, and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to ' Try out his new equipment.' Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner, Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him, so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this, his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a bun from the bread basket, and disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and gets a sly look on her face. She says, ' That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another bun up my ass.'
Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
And from the “Kids say the darnedest things” department:
• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
• A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
• My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Mario)
• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
The health corner:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
On the subject of health, now is as good a time as any to repeat the Ten Benefits of Sex:
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!' Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, 'And to think all these years, I've been chewing gum.'
"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien
"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman
"Then Cheney is on television yesterday. He's giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman
"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman
"Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson
"Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in." --Craig Ferguson
"There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here." --Craig Ferguson
"You know about that North Korean madman dictator Kim Jong Il. Well, there's word he may be letting go and stepping down. And apparently to get the guy to relinquish power, in order to get him to step down and leave his office, they offered him the 10:00 spot. I just heard that. And they think he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong 'W' Il." --David Letterman
"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, 'Hey, who's up for a vote? Just kidding, my son's going to do it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"I'm so glad to see things working out for Lil' Kim." --Jimmy Fallon
"If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno, everything goes to hell around here." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.' Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and 'The Tonight Show'' is sponsored by General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge night for me. I remember watching Johnny Carson when I was a kid and thinking, 'That's what I want to be when I grow up.' I'm sure right now somewhere in America, there's a little kid watching me, thinking, 'What is wrong with that man's hair? Is that even a man? Why is she crying?' Stick with it, kid!" --Conan O'Brien
"I want to say something. I think they have built us a beautiful studio here in Los Angeles. Absolutely gorgeous. This studio holds 380 people. That's right. Yeah, it's exactly like being at a Clippers game. I found what works in this town." --Conan O'Brien
"General Motors filed for bankruptcy. Said they owe $175 billion, filed for bankruptcy. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You know what it means, GM filing for bankruptcy? I'll tell you what it means. It means another enormous bonus for their CEO That's what it means." --David Letterman
"Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers' money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America's brother-in-law. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"Over the weekend George W. Bush -- you remember George W. -- and Bill Clinton, Bubba -- you remember Bubba. They had a debate up there in Toronto, Canada. Up in Toronto. Yeah. The last time they were both in Canada, I think, was when they were trying to get out of Vietnam. Is that right? Do you remember? Something like that. I don't know." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson
"There's also the good news that today, Dick Cheney received a marriage proposal from Senator Larry Craig." --Craig Ferguson
"I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first." --Jimmy Fallon
"So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? [on screen: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asking, 'My question is, does she really understand what America is about?']. Excellent question for the American-born judge." --Jon Stewart
"Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's pronounced 'Sodomizer.'" --Jon Stewart
"Now, folks, I've said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn't a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media." –Stephen Colbert
"Sotomayor brings up the most despicable discrimination against white males out there, that we have no life stories! Sure, Obama's life story shaped him. Same goes for Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. And now everyone's saying it about Sonia Sotomayor. Notice how no one ever talks about the unique journey of a white male like Mitt Romney! You don't think his judgment and empathy were forged by long, hard days working at his family's mayonnaise farm?" –Stephen Colbert
"Plus, if we conservatives try to stand up to this reverse racism, we're going to lose crucial Latino votes, just as GOP leaders were beginning their outreach to Hispanics! Many have even asked their gardener what his name is!" –Stephen Colbert
"President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood. And, really, is there any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood? The place that brought you four 'Terminator' sequels, 10 'Police Academy' movies and 29 'Star Trek' films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas." --Jay Leno
"Hey, tonight, former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held a debate in Toronto. I wish I had one more day." --Jay Leno
"Tonight was the last 'Tonight Show' hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I'd like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the 'Tonight Show. He said, 'This, of course, is the 'Tonight Show,' the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than 'Murphy Brown.' That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it." --Jimmy Fallon
"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, 'unqualified.' And, you know, her personal background, Puerto Rican, raised in the New York City housing projects. Will be played in a movie by Rosie Perez, or John Leguizamo in drag. One of the two." --Bill Maher
"Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher
"She's, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say ... that a wise Latina woman ... with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point." --Bill Maher
"What is so ironic about this is that this is why the Republican party is so in the wilderness right now, because it is a party where policy has been made for so many years by people who never had these kind of experiences. Real-life, real people experiences: Poverty, lack of health care, racism. I mean, the last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid getting in his drugs." --Bill Maher
"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher
"But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian -- yeah, like he came over from the Mayflower. That's Armenian, I would guess. He says she's not pronouncing her name right, and that's sort of offensive to the rest of us 'real Americans,' Mr. Kerkorian, and that she ... pronounces 'Sotomayor' [with the] accent on the last syllable. That's not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a 'natural English pronunciation.' So whenever I refer to this guy, I'm going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a 'doucheBAG.'" --Bill Maher
"Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy." --Jay Leno
"Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren't you legally a Republican at this point? I think so." --Jay Leno
"Actually, there was a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire, which ironically is also the Democratic energy policy -- earth, wind and fire.'" --Jay Leno
"Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden's teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that's when you know you're talking to too much -- when even Mother Nature goes, 'Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.'" --Jay Leno
"Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that's because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. I'm not an economist, but here's a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us." --Jay Leno
"And we're learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because the Supreme Court's next session doesn't begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it." --Jay Leno
"Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question: 'Let's see how you look under that robe.'' --Jay Leno
"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno
"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon
Recession Updates:
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off!
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.
3. Iron man is now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money.
5. With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune? Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
7. Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean? In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a Wall Street banker: This is worse than divorce. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife!
Yeah, the economy is so bad we hear Obama’s gonna put a 40 per cent tax on aspirin because it’s white and it works!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN CHECK BELOW:
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the gun have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Oldie Goldie
Bob can't get an erection, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Bob asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him that they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephants' trunk, insert them in the base of the penis, and hope for the best. Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he agrees to have the surgery. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery, and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to ' Try out his new equipment.' Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner, Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him, so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this, his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a bun from the bread basket, and disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and gets a sly look on her face. She says, ' That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another bun up my ass.'
Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
And from the “Kids say the darnedest things” department:
• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
• A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
• My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Mario)
• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
The health corner:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
On the subject of health, now is as good a time as any to repeat the Ten Benefits of Sex:
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!' Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, 'And to think all these years, I've been chewing gum.'
Friday Funnies May 29 09
"Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court." --Jay Leno
"Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, 'Oh, great, a Republican!'" --Jay Leno
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars." --Jay Leno
"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40% less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." --Jay Leno
"History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U.S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white." --Jimmy Fallon
"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher
"They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you're buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself." --Bill Maher
"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher
"We're $26 billion in the hole. I don't want to say it's bad, but today Mexico announced they're building a border fence." --Bill Maher
"There was sort of an unprecedented event this week when Obama was on television giving his version of national security, and then moments later Dick Cheney was on. It was all about Obama vs. Cheney: yes we can vs. go fuck yourself , biracial vs. bicentennial; walks with a spring, craps in a bag." --Bill Maher
"Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the other day that the prison at Guantanamo Bay has become a taint on the reputation of America. And that's what the Bush administration will always be remembered as -- America's taint." --Bill Maher
"Happy Memorial Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. And tomorrow, surprisingly, some of them may actually reopen." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. This is like big-time wrestling, isn't it? Man, it's like charisma versus arrhythmia." --Jay Leno
"I can't believe Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he is still president, you know?" --Jay Leno
"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno
"And researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis said getting herpes can give protection and prevent bubonic plague. Let me tell you something, okay? If you're dating people who have herpes and bubonic plague, you might get a refund from your online dating service." --Jay Leno
"Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers." --Jimmy Fallon
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon
"Well, a bankruptcy judge has denied a chapter 11 proposal submitted by former NFL star, Michael Vick, after he filed a bankruptcy plan that allowed him to keep three cars and two houses. The judge argued you can't keep three cars and two houses if you're really bankrupt. And several AIG executives said, 'Oh, yeah?'" --Jay Leno
"It turns out Larry King has a son he didn't know he had, Larry King Jr. And it is no surprise, because anybody who knew the guy knew something was up, because he kept walking around saying 'Overland Park, Kansas, you're on the air. Bloomington, California, go ahead. Bismarck, North Dakota, do you have a question for Donna McKeckny?' That's right. Larry King, by the way, has been married eight times, ladies and gentlemen, eight times. He is the Octogroom." --David Letterman
"The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton's to-do list, 500 people long." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today, President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of a how-to discussion." --Jay Leno
"How about that Dick Cheney. I mean talk about a guy who's gone crazy, you know? Talk about a bearcat, a bulldog. I mean, he's -- he gave a big speech today on terror in the United States and how the Obama Administration better be careful, they don't want to go soft on terror. And the speech was, I don't know, I guess it was well-received. And Cheney was so excited, at the end of the speech he goes out into the lobby and he waterboarded folks." --David Letterman
"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been in the news a lot this week, attacking President Obama. For eight years, this Dick Cheney never said two words, now all of a sudden he's like Regis, all over the place. He's been making so many speeches lately I'm starting to think he's not really dead." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel
And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno
"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno
"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno (Hope this doesn’t get in the way of their celebration of first fruits (bikkurim) for Shavuot)
"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno
"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons." --Jimmy Fallon
A simple lesson in economics:
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France it is raining, so there is not too much business. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives at the reception of a small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, takes a key, and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor. The hotel owner takes the money in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 Euros. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The supplier rushes to the farmer to pay 100 Euros for pigs that he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 Euro note to a local prostitute who had given him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients. At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the room is unsatisfactory. He takes back his 100 Euros and departs. There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt, and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future. Could this be the solution to the Global Financial Crisis?
Seven Famous People Who Died While Having Sex: (courtesy whipitoutcomedy.com)
Atilla the Hun
One of the greatest warriors in history was able to win a lot of his battles in his lifetime, but marriage was not one of them. Atilla suffered a heart attack while having sex with his wife...on their wedding night. Feel free to mention that the next time your girlfriend pesters you about making an honest woman out of her.
Jack McConaughey (Matthew McConaughey’s Dad)
In her recent book, Matthew McConaughey’s mother revealed that her husband died while having sex with her. Kay McConaughey went on to say that her husband’s death during sex was “the best way to go” and that she insisted he be taken from the house in the buff because she was “just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey – and his gift!” Matthew couldn't be reached for comment because he was off making a bad movie somewhere.
Pope John XII
The story behind Pope John XII’s death in 964 is disputed, but one of two things happened – either he had a heart attack while having sex with another man’s wife or the husband caught the Pope in the act of having sex with his wife and beat him to death. Either way, the Pope’s sex drive cost him his life.
Nelson Rockefeller
The former Vice President died in 1979 of a heart attack while having sex. But what makes Rockefeller’s death extra juicy is the fact that the woman under him when he died wasn’t his wife – it was his mistress Megan Marshak.
Michael Hutchence
The former lead singer of INXS gets the distinction of being the only person on this list that died having sex with himself. As was widely reported in the tabloids back in 1997, Hutchence was found dead in his hotel room naked and with a belt around his neck. Officially, his death was ruled a suicide but it’s believed the real cause of death was autoerotic asphyxiation.
Felix Faure
Leave it to the French to add a layer of soap opera drama to your typical sex death. Faure, the former President of France, died of a heart attack in his office while getting a blow job from a 30-year-old woman named Marguerite Steinheil. In an added twist, Steinheil went on to become a mistress to numerous famous French men after Faure’s death before eventually getting married. And then, mysteriously, her husband and stepmother were found strangled to death in their home.
Pope Paul II
Believe it or not, two Popes have made the list of famous people who have died during sex – make of that what you will. Anyway, in the case of Pope Paul II, he suffered a stroke in 1471 while being sodomized by a page boy. This explains so much...
A Man's Conversations With His Penis Through 3 Stages of Life by Brian Murphy
Early Adolescence:
Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.
Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.
Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.
Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.
Brain: Please go back to sleep.
Penis: FUCK NO. I'M AMPED.
Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...
Penis: DON'T CARE.
Brain: Please, I'm begging you.
Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.
Young Adulthood:
Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.
Brain: She's crazy.
Penis: Crazy...IN THE SACK!
Brain: I'm not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.
Penis: WE'LL SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER.
Brain: No. I'll sort it out later. You'll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.
Penis: WHATEVER, MAN. STOP BEING GAY. WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?
Brain: Can't we just find someone else?
Penis: I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE. BEND TO MY WILL.
Old Age:
Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It's my 40th wedding anniversary.
Penis: ...Ugh.
Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.
Penis: Go away. I'm sleepy.
Brain: All I'm asking is for a few minutes.
Penis: With that old hag? That's an eternity.
Brain: That's my wife you're talking about!
Penis: She bores me.
Brain: What if I think about someone else?
Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET'S DO THIS.
Brain: Great. OK, here we go.
Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Brain: SON OF A BITCH.
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" he cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
A few riddles:
What do you call someone who has just printed 1,000 puns off the Internet? Well e-quipped.
What is something everyone has seen but will never see again? Yesterday.
Who invented fractions? Henry the Eighth.
What holds up a solar house? Sunbeams.
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? A secret.
In what bed is it perfectly okay to dump manure? A flower bed.
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb? Geometry.
What animal is best at math? Rabbits - they multiply fastest.
Why are misers good math teachers? They know how to make every penny count.
Why are bacteria bad mathematicians? Because they multiply by dividing.
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? Only one - the last one.
What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up? An umbrella.
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? Mount Everest.
It's been around for millions of years, but it's no more than a month old. What is it? The Moon.
What belongs to you but others use it more than you do? Your name.
What has one foot on each side and one in the middle? A yardstick.
You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this".
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines".
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house!
You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If:
1. You light your Shabbat candles from your cigarette.
2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke.
3. Instead of a gregger (noisemaker), you fire a shotgun at Haman's name.
4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah.
5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher.
6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law.
7. You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
8. When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy.
9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion.
10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is a week’s time share on your hunting lease.
Why the "SH" is so important in YIDDISH
SH MUCK
SH LEPER
SH NORER
SH LIMAZL
SH VANTZ
SH VITZ
SH MENDRIK
SH TIPN ARAIN
SH TARK VI A FERD
SH PILKES IN TUCHES
SH EINER TUCHES
SH VARTZE
SH TICK DREK
SH KUTZEM
SH IKSA
SH AGETZ
SH ANDA
SH LEMIEL
SH UL
SH EP NACHAS
SH ABBOS
SH ADCHEN
SH IKKER
SH AMUS
SH IVA
SH AYTL
SH EHECHEYANU
SH ALOM
SH ECHINAH
SH ADCHEN
SH NOOK
SH USH
TOP 10 JEWISH TRADITIONS THAT COULD BE SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS:
10. "Hiding the Afikomen"
9. "Taking a Dip in the Mikvah"
8. "Separating your Meat from your Dairy"
7. "Noshing on Hamantaschen"
6. "Eating Out In the Sukkah"
5. "Planting Your Tu B'Shvat Tree"
4. "Grinding your Greggar"
3. "Shaking the Lulav"
2. "Kissing the Mezuzah"
1. "Blowing the Shofar"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, even name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. How about recruiting women over fifty with PMS! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we‘ll have it secured the first night!
An e-mail buddy who is a retired teacher was complaining about a touchy-feely email I had sent out. I sent back an apology, saying “Sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with”. He replied, “What is this? A sentence ending with a preposition? That is a habit up with which I can not put.”
While I do plead ‘mea culpa’ to leaving one dangling, so to speak, I thought it perfectly acceptable in casual speech. I mean, what’s the harm in the odd dangle between friends anyway?
I guess you can take the teacher out of the school but you can never take the schooling out of the teacher!
"Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, 'Oh, great, a Republican!'" --Jay Leno
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars." --Jay Leno
"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40% less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." --Jay Leno
"History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U.S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white." --Jimmy Fallon
"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher
"They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you're buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself." --Bill Maher
"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher
"We're $26 billion in the hole. I don't want to say it's bad, but today Mexico announced they're building a border fence." --Bill Maher
"There was sort of an unprecedented event this week when Obama was on television giving his version of national security, and then moments later Dick Cheney was on. It was all about Obama vs. Cheney: yes we can vs. go fuck yourself , biracial vs. bicentennial; walks with a spring, craps in a bag." --Bill Maher
"Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the other day that the prison at Guantanamo Bay has become a taint on the reputation of America. And that's what the Bush administration will always be remembered as -- America's taint." --Bill Maher
"Happy Memorial Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. And tomorrow, surprisingly, some of them may actually reopen." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. This is like big-time wrestling, isn't it? Man, it's like charisma versus arrhythmia." --Jay Leno
"I can't believe Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he is still president, you know?" --Jay Leno
"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno
"And researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis said getting herpes can give protection and prevent bubonic plague. Let me tell you something, okay? If you're dating people who have herpes and bubonic plague, you might get a refund from your online dating service." --Jay Leno
"Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers." --Jimmy Fallon
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon
"Well, a bankruptcy judge has denied a chapter 11 proposal submitted by former NFL star, Michael Vick, after he filed a bankruptcy plan that allowed him to keep three cars and two houses. The judge argued you can't keep three cars and two houses if you're really bankrupt. And several AIG executives said, 'Oh, yeah?'" --Jay Leno
"It turns out Larry King has a son he didn't know he had, Larry King Jr. And it is no surprise, because anybody who knew the guy knew something was up, because he kept walking around saying 'Overland Park, Kansas, you're on the air. Bloomington, California, go ahead. Bismarck, North Dakota, do you have a question for Donna McKeckny?' That's right. Larry King, by the way, has been married eight times, ladies and gentlemen, eight times. He is the Octogroom." --David Letterman
"The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton's to-do list, 500 people long." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today, President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of a how-to discussion." --Jay Leno
"How about that Dick Cheney. I mean talk about a guy who's gone crazy, you know? Talk about a bearcat, a bulldog. I mean, he's -- he gave a big speech today on terror in the United States and how the Obama Administration better be careful, they don't want to go soft on terror. And the speech was, I don't know, I guess it was well-received. And Cheney was so excited, at the end of the speech he goes out into the lobby and he waterboarded folks." --David Letterman
"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been in the news a lot this week, attacking President Obama. For eight years, this Dick Cheney never said two words, now all of a sudden he's like Regis, all over the place. He's been making so many speeches lately I'm starting to think he's not really dead." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel
And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno
"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno
"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno (Hope this doesn’t get in the way of their celebration of first fruits (bikkurim) for Shavuot)
"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno
"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon
"The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons." --Jimmy Fallon
A simple lesson in economics:
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France it is raining, so there is not too much business. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives at the reception of a small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, takes a key, and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor. The hotel owner takes the money in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 Euros. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The supplier rushes to the farmer to pay 100 Euros for pigs that he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 Euro note to a local prostitute who had given him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients. At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the room is unsatisfactory. He takes back his 100 Euros and departs. There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt, and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future. Could this be the solution to the Global Financial Crisis?
Seven Famous People Who Died While Having Sex: (courtesy whipitoutcomedy.com)
Atilla the Hun
One of the greatest warriors in history was able to win a lot of his battles in his lifetime, but marriage was not one of them. Atilla suffered a heart attack while having sex with his wife...on their wedding night. Feel free to mention that the next time your girlfriend pesters you about making an honest woman out of her.
Jack McConaughey (Matthew McConaughey’s Dad)
In her recent book, Matthew McConaughey’s mother revealed that her husband died while having sex with her. Kay McConaughey went on to say that her husband’s death during sex was “the best way to go” and that she insisted he be taken from the house in the buff because she was “just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey – and his gift!” Matthew couldn't be reached for comment because he was off making a bad movie somewhere.
Pope John XII
The story behind Pope John XII’s death in 964 is disputed, but one of two things happened – either he had a heart attack while having sex with another man’s wife or the husband caught the Pope in the act of having sex with his wife and beat him to death. Either way, the Pope’s sex drive cost him his life.
Nelson Rockefeller
The former Vice President died in 1979 of a heart attack while having sex. But what makes Rockefeller’s death extra juicy is the fact that the woman under him when he died wasn’t his wife – it was his mistress Megan Marshak.
Michael Hutchence
The former lead singer of INXS gets the distinction of being the only person on this list that died having sex with himself. As was widely reported in the tabloids back in 1997, Hutchence was found dead in his hotel room naked and with a belt around his neck. Officially, his death was ruled a suicide but it’s believed the real cause of death was autoerotic asphyxiation.
Felix Faure
Leave it to the French to add a layer of soap opera drama to your typical sex death. Faure, the former President of France, died of a heart attack in his office while getting a blow job from a 30-year-old woman named Marguerite Steinheil. In an added twist, Steinheil went on to become a mistress to numerous famous French men after Faure’s death before eventually getting married. And then, mysteriously, her husband and stepmother were found strangled to death in their home.
Pope Paul II
Believe it or not, two Popes have made the list of famous people who have died during sex – make of that what you will. Anyway, in the case of Pope Paul II, he suffered a stroke in 1471 while being sodomized by a page boy. This explains so much...
A Man's Conversations With His Penis Through 3 Stages of Life by Brian Murphy
Early Adolescence:
Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.
Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.
Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.
Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.
Brain: Please go back to sleep.
Penis: FUCK NO. I'M AMPED.
Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...
Penis: DON'T CARE.
Brain: Please, I'm begging you.
Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.
Young Adulthood:
Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.
Brain: She's crazy.
Penis: Crazy...IN THE SACK!
Brain: I'm not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.
Penis: WE'LL SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER.
Brain: No. I'll sort it out later. You'll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.
Penis: WHATEVER, MAN. STOP BEING GAY. WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?
Brain: Can't we just find someone else?
Penis: I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE. BEND TO MY WILL.
Old Age:
Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It's my 40th wedding anniversary.
Penis: ...Ugh.
Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.
Penis: Go away. I'm sleepy.
Brain: All I'm asking is for a few minutes.
Penis: With that old hag? That's an eternity.
Brain: That's my wife you're talking about!
Penis: She bores me.
Brain: What if I think about someone else?
Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET'S DO THIS.
Brain: Great. OK, here we go.
Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Brain: SON OF A BITCH.
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" he cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
A few riddles:
What do you call someone who has just printed 1,000 puns off the Internet? Well e-quipped.
What is something everyone has seen but will never see again? Yesterday.
Who invented fractions? Henry the Eighth.
What holds up a solar house? Sunbeams.
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? A secret.
In what bed is it perfectly okay to dump manure? A flower bed.
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb? Geometry.
What animal is best at math? Rabbits - they multiply fastest.
Why are misers good math teachers? They know how to make every penny count.
Why are bacteria bad mathematicians? Because they multiply by dividing.
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? Only one - the last one.
What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up? An umbrella.
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? Mount Everest.
It's been around for millions of years, but it's no more than a month old. What is it? The Moon.
What belongs to you but others use it more than you do? Your name.
What has one foot on each side and one in the middle? A yardstick.
You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this".
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines".
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house!
You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If:
1. You light your Shabbat candles from your cigarette.
2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke.
3. Instead of a gregger (noisemaker), you fire a shotgun at Haman's name.
4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah.
5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher.
6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law.
7. You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
8. When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy.
9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion.
10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is a week’s time share on your hunting lease.
Why the "SH" is so important in YIDDISH
SH MUCK
SH LEPER
SH NORER
SH LIMAZL
SH VANTZ
SH VITZ
SH MENDRIK
SH TIPN ARAIN
SH TARK VI A FERD
SH PILKES IN TUCHES
SH EINER TUCHES
SH VARTZE
SH TICK DREK
SH KUTZEM
SH IKSA
SH AGETZ
SH ANDA
SH LEMIEL
SH UL
SH EP NACHAS
SH ABBOS
SH ADCHEN
SH IKKER
SH AMUS
SH IVA
SH AYTL
SH EHECHEYANU
SH ALOM
SH ECHINAH
SH ADCHEN
SH NOOK
SH USH
TOP 10 JEWISH TRADITIONS THAT COULD BE SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS:
10. "Hiding the Afikomen"
9. "Taking a Dip in the Mikvah"
8. "Separating your Meat from your Dairy"
7. "Noshing on Hamantaschen"
6. "Eating Out In the Sukkah"
5. "Planting Your Tu B'Shvat Tree"
4. "Grinding your Greggar"
3. "Shaking the Lulav"
2. "Kissing the Mezuzah"
1. "Blowing the Shofar"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, even name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. How about recruiting women over fifty with PMS! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we‘ll have it secured the first night!
An e-mail buddy who is a retired teacher was complaining about a touchy-feely email I had sent out. I sent back an apology, saying “Sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with”. He replied, “What is this? A sentence ending with a preposition? That is a habit up with which I can not put.”
While I do plead ‘mea culpa’ to leaving one dangling, so to speak, I thought it perfectly acceptable in casual speech. I mean, what’s the harm in the odd dangle between friends anyway?
I guess you can take the teacher out of the school but you can never take the schooling out of the teacher!
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