Archive 3

Let's see how good you are with "COMMON KNOWLEDGE". Take this test honestly. No looking around; no using anything on or in your desk. Test your powers of observation. Average score is 18. Write down your answers and check answers (which are on the bottom of e-mail) after completing all the questions. And remember ... No Cheating!1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)6. What 2 numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?8. How many matches are in a standard pack?9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?16. Which way do fans rotate?17. Whose face is on the American dime?18. How many sides does a stop sign have?19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?25. On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?!30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions:************Answers:1. Bottom2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one)!3. Right4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold5. Q Z6. 1.07. Right8. 209. Red10. 8811. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)12. Towards bottom right13. 12 (no #1)14. Left15. Top16. Clockwise as you look at it17. Roosevelt18. 819. Left20. 521. 622. Bashful23. 824. Did you notice there wasn't one?25. Ace of spades26. Left27. ONE28. *, #29. 330. Counter
In an apparent post 9/11 "copycat" act of terrorism, Polish terrorists have hijacked the Goodyear Blimp. So far they have bounced off five buildings and managed to rack up two free balls!
A guy goes into the doctor's office with a rectal problem. The doctor’s examination reveals a lettuce leaf growing out of his anus. The patient says, "Is it serious?" The doctor says "Oh, it’s a big problem and I’m afraid this is just the tip of the Iceberg!"A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?""No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her."Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "You slut!" he said as he dropped her.
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour. "Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank woman. "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible." "Well," the doc concluded, "you’d better go home and wash possible."
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
New DefinitionsEach year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.And, the pick of the literature:Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the difference between a wet dream and a western dream? In a wet dream when you wake up you're still shooting.
Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two. Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through twenty feet of garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife." Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will. "The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
A photographer was sent to take the pictures of twin sisters just turning one hundred years old. One of the twins was hard of hearing. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer. Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, - "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
Women explaining men 1. The nice men are ugly. 2. The handsome men are not nice. 3. The handsome and nice men are gay. 4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. 5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. 6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. 7. The handsome men without money are after our money. 8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. 9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. 10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!! 11. The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly. Four days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!” The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. “Sure, why?” asked the old man. “Well you'd better get over there,” replied the doctor, “You’re about to come!”

What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Kansas City Chiefs.
What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? “It’s kinda cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?”
Two Irishmen are sitting at a pub having a beer when they see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel across the street.One of them says, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad. ”Moments later they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”Finally they see a Catholic priest enter the house of ill repute, and the first Irishman grimaces and says, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”
A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. “We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.” “Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?” “Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor. “Will that cure me?” “No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”
A drunk staggered down the main street of town, somehow managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest who had been observing the man's sorry progress figured the fellow was in need of some assistance and proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"An old Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look. He saw a rabbi blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet and sure enough the horse won $20. He went down to the paddock again, and again the rabbi was blessing another horse. He wrote down the number, bet his $20, and again, the horse won, earning $100. This went on, race after race, until the old Jewish man had won $5000. Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi bless another horse. He bet the whole $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last. He ran down and yelled to the rabbi, "Why did every horse you bless win, except the last one? He came in dead last!!! The rabbi replied, "That's the problem with you Reform Jews...you don't know the difference between a brucha and Kaddish."
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or a Jays fan." What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."0 degrees - People in Miami all die... Canadians lick the flagpole.20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico……People in Canada get out their winter coats.40 below - Hollywood disintegrates…..The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door. 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic….Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.80 below - Mt. St. Helens freezes….People in Canada rent some videos.100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole….Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.297 below - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy product. Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.460 below - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero Kelvin). - People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"500 below - Hell freezes over….The Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
A fellow says to his boss, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks boss," the fellow says, "I knew I could count on you!"
A fellow’s somewhat inebriated girlfriend leans over towards him in the car and says, “You’re passionate!” He says, “Thanks for the compliment.” She says, “ No! The Liquor store – You’re pashin it!”
A mother and her son are flying from Kansas to Chicago. The son turns to his mother and says, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother tells her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? "The stewardess asks, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He responds in the affirmative. So the stewardess says, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."Workable Malapropisms you may have heard from your boss. "Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.""Part of the verbiage is a language thing.""Eventually, I want it now.""It's not that kind of zero.""There are a lot of areas for efficiency reductions.""In the last year, you've turned around 150%.""I think you might have hit the nail on the button.""...caught between a rock and a wet spot.""the carrot at the end of the tunnel."And my nomination for scariest thing a boss ever said:"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you." One day at coffee break our secretary remarked that she couldn't stand the office manager because he was "so ego-testicle." One of my co-workers spurted coffee out of his nose, which just added to the moment.
Please circulate this message around your office and make sure everyone takes part on Friday: The leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism and we are being encouraged to demonstrate against them this Friday at 15:00 hours. It is a well-known fact that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman. Therefore, at 15:00 this Friday, all women should run naked through the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands. This is the best way to show our disgust for the Taliban and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists among us (anybody who doesn't do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist, denounced to the world and shot). Your efforts are much appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.
Deep Thoughts "The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood content Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?" If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren
True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Ken, where's that 7 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Best-ever resignation letter (An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S employee) Mr. Baker, As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftless looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back-up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time. Sincerely,
Maybe we need a reminder of what the Rules of Life really are.... 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. You really need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. Crow is best eaten while it's still warm. 6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them. 8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?' 9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 12. Work is good, but it's not that important. Retirees know this for sure! 13. Be good to your friends and kids. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Oh," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Grandpa's advice: Don't marry a woman with big hands. It'll make your dick look smaller.
When a new factory opened up in town, the Human Resources Department posted a sign: Married Men Only Need Apply. A local women's group, outraged at the policy, confronted the HR Manager. "Why do you only hire married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, what?" "No, Ma'am, not at all," the manager responded. "It's because we want employees who are used to obeying orders, accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't cry when a manager yells at them."
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Tooembarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judgeinstructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors. One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before." The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge. "I can't, Your Honour," the juror answered. "It's personal.
An annoyed wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along to the bar with him. "What’ll you have," he asked. "Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose." So the husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that’s terrible," she sputtered, "I don’t know how you can drink that stuff." "Well there you go," cried her husband, "and you think I’m out here ENJOYING myself every night."

This is Today's Stock Market Report.
Helium was up, feathers were down, paper was stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply, cows steered into a bull market, pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing, elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading, light switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged while balloon prices were inflated,
Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday.
Scott tissue touched a new bottom, and batteries exploded in an attempt to re-charge the market.
And that was ... today's stock report.

Prime Minister Chretien wakes up, throws up the curtains, sees the rising sun and says, "Mr Sun - who is the greatest politcian, the greatest leader, the greatest Prime Minister Canada ever had?" The sun says, "You are, Mr Prime Minister." So Chretien goes off to Parliament feeling great about himself, and when he comes home that evening he looks out at the setting sun and says, "Mr Sun - who is the greatest politican, the greatest leader, the greatest Prime Minister Canada ever had?" The sun says, "Not you, that's for sure, Mr. Prime Minister!" Chretien is shocked. He says, "But this morning you told me I was the best. The sun says, "This morning I was in the east. But now I'm in the west.
Two nuns are driving down a country road when they run out of gas. They manage to walk to a nearby farm where the old farmer is only too happy top help the stranded visitors. "I can provide you with all the fuel you need, but I only have this bedpan for you to carry it in." Happy to get the gas, the nuns gladly accept the bedpan filled to the brim with gasoline, and they set off gingerly back to their stranded car. As they begin to pour the contents into their fuel tank, a rabbi stops his car behind the nuns to see if he can offer them any help. He watches as they slowly empty the bedpan into the tank, scratches his head in wonderment and says, "My dear Sisters. I am not of your religion – but I sure admire your faith."
A girl is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen just before her wedding day. She asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina. "Practice and when you can do this, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited naked for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a wad of biscuit dough. She threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted down, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and clamps both hands over his now shrinking penis. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, "Well, if that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!" I asked a Texan friend who had been troubled with back pain how he was getting on. He said, "The doctor ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills, sent me home to bed for a week and told me to sit down whenever I pee. "Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked. "Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money hisparents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father."Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have aprogram here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!""I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS (reprise)- I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.- A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.- One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early.- It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.- I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio- I was such an ugly baby my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.- I'm so ugly; my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.- When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."- I'm so ugly; my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.- Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday- I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."- I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.- When I was ten years old, my parents gave me a bat for my birthday. The first time I went out to play with it, it flew away.
Words of wisdom 1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.7. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 8 . My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines and a large trash can.A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Floppe.JEWISH HAIKU (Some old, some new) After the warm rainthe sweet smell of camellias.Did you wipe your feet? Her lips near my ear,Aunt Sadie whispers the nameof her friend's disease. Looking for pink buds to prune, the old moyel roamsamong his flowers. Today I am a man.Tomorrow I will returnto the seventh grade. Harsh Scrabble discord--someone has placed "putzhead" ona triple word score. Testing the warm milkon her wrist, she sighs softly.But her son is forty. The sparkling blue sea reminds me to wait an hourafter my sandwich. Tea ceremony--fragrant steam perfumes the air.Try the cheese danish. Lacking fins or tailthe gefilte fish swims withgreat difficulty. Lovely butterfly--not long ago your name wasCaterpillarstein. A cat steals into the night just like my formerpartner, that gonif. Yom Kippur-- Forgiveme, Lord, for the Mercedesand all that lobster. My nature journal --today, I saw some trees and birds.I should know the names? Like a bonsai tree,your terrible posture atmy dinner table. Beyond Valiumthe peace of knowing one's childis an internist. Jews on safari --map, compass, elephant gun,hard sucking candies. Coroner's report --"The deceased, wearing no hat,caught his death of cold." The same kimonothe top geishas are wearing:got it at Loehmann's. The sparrow brings hometoo many worms for her young."Force yourself," she chirps. Jewish triathlon:gin rummy, then contract bridge,followed by a nap. "Can't you just leave it?"the new Jewish mother asks --umbilical cord. The shivah visit:so sorry about your loss.Now back to my problem. Our youngest daughter,our most precious jewel.Hence the name, Tiffany. Mom, please! There is noneed to put that dinner rollin your pocketbook. Seven-foot Jews inthe NBA slam-dunking!My alarm clock rings. Concert of car hornsas we debate the questionof when to change lanes. Sorry I'm not hometo take your call. At the toneplease state your bad news Is one Nobel Prizeso much to ask from a childafter all I've done. Hava nagila,hava nagila, hava--enough already. Would-be convert lost--thawed Lender's Bagels made abad first impression. Today, mild shvitzing.Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.Five-day forecast-feh Left the door open.for the Prophet Elijah.Now our cat is gone. Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis.Oy! To be fluent! Quietly murmuredat Saturday services,Yanks 5, Red Sox 3. Lonely mantra ofthe Buddhist monk--"They nevercall, they never write." Look, Beryl! I've foundthe most splendid tchochke forour Chanukah bush. The long pilgrimageto the venerable shrine -Leonard's of Great Neck. Cherry blossoms bloom.Sure, it's beautiful, but isit good for the Jews? A lovely nose ring --excuse me while I put myhead in the oven. Hard to tell underthe lights--white Yarmulke ormale-pattern baldness? Wet moss on the oldstones. Lying in the grass, Iponder who to sue.
Drinking can cut risk of dementia, study shows
Reuters - Drinking moderate amounts of alcohol can help lower the risk of developing dementia, Dutch scientists said. Whether it is wine or beer or whiskey, people over 55 who enjoy a daily tipple are less likely to suffer from Alzheimer’s or other types of senility than those who don’t drink.
“We found that in this population of individuals aged 55 years or older, those who consumed up to three glasses of alcohol per day had a lower risk of dementia…than those who never drank alcohol,” said Dr. Monique Breteler, an epidemiologist at Erasmus University Medical School in Rotterdam.
In a study of 8,000 people published in The Lancet medical journal, Breteler and her colleagues reported light-to-moderate drinking cut the risk of dementia by 42 per cent and of vascular dementia, by 70 per cent.
Scientists believe moderate amounts of alcohol may reduce the risk of dementia by releasing acetylcholine, a brain protein that helps to transmit messages between brain cells that control functions such as memory, attention and addiction. However, they also noted too much alcohol inhibited its production.
Studies have also shown that small amounts of alcohol can increase highdensity lipoprotein, or good “cholesterol.” "Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."-Jay Leno
"There was a rumour that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."-Jay Leno
We've gone from a president who could handle lobbying a Congressman on Bosnia policy while getting a blow job, to one who can't handle watching football while eating a pretzel.
Deceptive Scams -The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence. "Actually," she said in a very haughty tone, "one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress." "How very nice." replied Morris the florist. "One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments." Enron Collapse Explained... In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble, here is an explanation reputedly given by a Colorado Aggie professor in terms his students could understand: Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Enron Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of OJ’s hand! What do you get when you cross peanut butter and a rooster? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth! "Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze" - Hellman's Mayonnaise For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. A friend of mine tells everyone he’s a crack investigator, but the sign on his door says ‘Proctologist’. A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, "I’m sorry but that’s not big enough to cover my manhood." So she brings out a bigger one. "Still not big enough!" So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf. "Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her. So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a fireman?" A Child's View:
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, 'They will in a minute,"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honour thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or That's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead".
For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" Marketing 101You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you, says, "He's fantastic in bed." - That's AdvertisingYou see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Telemarketing.You're at a party and you see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." Now, that's Brand Recognition. COURSES FOR WOMENWomen think they already know everything, but wait, training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up12. Introduction to Parking13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air fresheners)25. TV Remotes: For Men Only26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day beforePlease register immediately as courses are in great demand. SCIENCE: THE DANGERS OF BREAD1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.Note: Bagel holes seem to be relatively safe...and inexpensive, too. What a Difference a Century MakesThe year is 1902, one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes.The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven. Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.The five leading causes of death in the US were:1. Pneumonia and influenza.2. Tuberculosis3. Diarrhea4. Heart disease5. StrokeThe American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.Well, here we are in 2002, so Happy New Year to you!
26 Signs You’re becoming an Old Fogie a. Your potted plants stay alive.b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.e. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to youI wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it!!! There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!" A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the fucking Jew."
Why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.* No premarital sex.* No booze. None. Never.* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.* No Hooters or other nude bars.* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.* No Victoria's Secret Stuff.* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels - filthy, stinking camels.* Sand. Fucking sand everywhere!* More sand.* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.* Sandstorms. More fucking sand everywhere!* Rags for clothes and hats.* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your butt with your left hand.* Constant crying from the neighbor next door...........no..wait,,,,,, that's music!* And when you die it's supposed to all get better...... No wonder they volunteer!!

It has been announced that when Prince Charles goes to Brazil in March it is his intention to take Camilla Parker Bowles on an official trip for the first time. Some insiders suggest it is a signal that he intends to become more strident in his public affairs (or maybe making his private affairs public). Others just think he’s looking to save money on kennel fees!

A British team has now determined that the US has in fact been keeping its Al Qaeda detainees in Cuba under humane conditions. They are now being let out for exercise. A few of the men were quickly stopped from playing baseball, though, when it was determined this was a diabolical plot to get back to New York via the Yankees.
A redneck visiting the big city is standing right at the edge of the subway platform waiting for the train. A friend says, "Don't stand so close to the edge. You’ll get sucked off when the train arrives." The redneck unzips his fly and shouts, “Come on train!” Mrs.Schwartz and her grandson are at the beach, playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds, "He had a hat."
OBG(Oldie But Goodie)While in Israel a friend found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer, called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well... Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets a "Ferklempt" error.
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
I hear "Hava Nagila" during start-up.
Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When running "scandisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that claims to get rid of the "schmaltz und drek" on your monitor.
Computer viruses can now be cured with chicken soup.
The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
If you don't shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, a message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself".
When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?" After reading this you will have a better feel on why George "dubya" wants to spend more money on literacy. As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade 5. This is Mike's Ebonics homework assignment. He was asked to use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel."
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
11. Iraq - When we got the pool hall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break."
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped my and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say,"fortify".
14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.
Other OBG It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community... The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes... What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay? She turned around and took it like a man! If Walmart is really lowering prices everyday then how come nothing is free yet? EU Directive 456179 - In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2001. From this date, the correct terminology will be: "Euronating ". Thank you for your attention.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked Jon. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. Mr. Berg asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and fuck the shit out of my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, get a quick blowjob and sing a few songs. I have a full life." Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, "I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied Jon. "And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered Jon, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, fuck the shit out of your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"
Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings." The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his ears." The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt." "Really, have you seen it?" ask the boys. The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.” “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?” “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.” 1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.4. A penny saved is a government oversight. 5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.7. He who hesitates is probably right.8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.30. If the shoe fits......buy it in every colour (YES!) Friendship"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."---Charles Caleb Colton"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.""Friendship is one mind in two bodies."---Mencius"Friends are God's way of taking care of us.""If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."---Stone Temple Pilots"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay."---Dave Matthew's band"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'dbe at the bottom to catch them.""Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.""We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."--- Tim McGraw"My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." ---Lee Iacocca"Hold a true friend with both your hands."---Nigerian Proverb"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."---unknown Calling all classicists! Ave!Veni. Vidi. Nina Ricci! (Loosely translated - I came when I saw Nina Ricci)You never know when a little conversational Latin might come in handy and so I've dug up a few handy Latin phrases that hopefully contend with that classic maxim ‘Semper ubi sub ubi’ (Always where under where). Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.It's not the heat, it's the humidity. Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!God, look at the time! My wife will kill me! Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.The designated hitter rule has got to go. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. (Ah! That old chestnut!)Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (At a barbeque)Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face? (The cry of the urban male)Neutiquam erro.I am not lost. (The classic interrogative for Madge)Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it? Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out. A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out ……all from the same person! You Know You're A Redneck When... 2001 Classic Edition1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling centre.4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.24. You have a rag for a gas cap.25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.28. You can spit without opening your mouth.29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.35. You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.38. Your neighbours think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.39. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does a $10,000 worth of improvement.40. You've used a toilet brush as a backscratcher.41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is . Why did the Irish name their currency the Punt? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager! When my son was in third grade, his teacher asked him to spell "straight." He did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without water," he replied. A Kentucky Fried Chicken in New York has a special on what they are calling the "Bucket of Hillary." It has two small breasts, two large thighs, and a bunch of left wings. "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four...unless there are three other people with me.” -Orson Welles A Valentine for Osama Bin Laden
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. " Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him." Hold on to your hate, fag-bashers! A team of psychiatrists has finally proven what all those gay homosexuals have been saying all along… "Homophobia," as the study declares, "is the result of repressed homosexual urges that the person is either unaware of or denies!" The study, published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, was conducted by researchers at the University of Georgia, who attached "penile plethysmographs" to 35 homophobic and 29 non-homophobic men, and measured their sexual arousal while showing them a variety of erotic imagery. The report concluded "The homophobic men showed a significant increase in penile circumference to the male homosexual video, but the control men did not." Maybe Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would like to have their colours done this weekend and go for a schvitz at the ‘Y’. A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS’ The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: ‘PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT’ The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: ’BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS’ This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: ’NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN’ The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: ’NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00’ What's the difference between a horse's tail and a politician's tie? The horse's tail covers up the entire asshole. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said: "Did you get my drift?"
So I went down the local supermarket, I said: "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."He said: "Those are pickled onions."
So I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
So I said to the Gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays!"
So I rang up Bell and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." They said: "Not you again!"
He said: "You remind me of a pepper-pot!" I said: "I'll take that as a condiment!"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and aware that all eyes were upon him, said, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." The boss looked at his watch and said, "To roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?!" Bob and his wife are doing yard work when she goes in the house to take a shower. When he can't find the rake Bob yells up to his wife, "Hey! Where's the rake?" She can't hear him properly, so she shouts out the bathroom window: "What?" Bob points to his eye, then he points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife has no idea what he's doing and shouts back again: "WHAT?!" Bob repeats his gestures, meaning: "Eye - Knee - the rake." So she signals back: first pointing to her eye, then pointing to her left breast, then pointing to her butt, then finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way Bob can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her: "What in the friggin' hell was that?" She replies: "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - the BUSH!" Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending over completely with no panties, and suddenly her cheeks began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held…and once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
Dear kind-hearted friends... Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at, or just below the seven-figure salary level... right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem... but it's a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below: [ ] Mid-level Manager [ ] Director [ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department) [ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department) [ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700) [ ] Entire Company [ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me. SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER Already an Enron supporter? Don't worry, in this troubled economy, there are many executives who need your help. Ford today is laying off 35,000. The NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism and do something about it. The Invisible Hand will allow supporters to substitute executives from any downtrodden company listed on ****edcompany.com. You will never own a Bentley, wear hand-tailored silk shirts, or have a gentleman's gentleman; why deprive a worthy executive from ascending, and more importantly, from maintaining the lifestyle he so richly deserves? (pun not intended) Imagine the feeling of satisfaction, the pure joy of knowing that your sponsor ex-executive at the former spiltmilk.com will be able to have his caviar and eat it too. *It's just that easy - do it now!* Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron "Keep America Strong Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!" t- shirt to wear proudly. Your Name: _______________________ Telephone Number:_______________________ Account Number: _______________________ Exp. Date:_______[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ]Discover Signature: _______________________ Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.
"A History of Teaching Math" Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Match in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Mammo-grammar : Many women are afraid of mammograms, even if they have had them before. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you’ll be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home. EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective. EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast. EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again. You are now properly prepared! And just a thought for all you women out there: MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy! Don't forget the "GUY"necologist! Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: "You drive. I'll man the guns."Writing only an editor could love:
1. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
2. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
3. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
4. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
5. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Ralph. But unlike Ralph, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
6. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
7. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)
9. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)
10. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
11. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington)
12. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings onthe impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J. F. Knowles, Springfield)
13. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
14. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse)
15. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
16. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
17. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
18. She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
19. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
20. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
21. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
22. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
23. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
24. A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
25. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
26. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Quotes From Sports Commentators: - Pat Glenn - Weightlifting analyst, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." - Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." - Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" - Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces." - Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." - Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." - David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." - US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?"
American Geography You know you're on the West Coast when . . . - you make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house. - the high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. - the fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. - you know how to eat an artichoke. - you drive to your neighborhood block party. You know you're in New York when . . . - you say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. - you have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. - you can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. - you think Central Park is "nature". - you believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. - you've ever worn out a car horn. - you think eye contact is an act of aggression. You know you're in Alaska when . . . - you only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco. - Halloween costumes fit over parkas. - you have more than one recipe for moose. - sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. - the four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You know you're in the South when . . . - you get a movie and bait in the same store. - "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
- you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.- after a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?" - "he needed killin' " is a valid defense. You know you're in Colorado when . . . - you carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. - you tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home and he stops at the day care. - a pass does not involve a football or dating. - the top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. - your bridal registry is at REI. You know you're in the Midwest when . . . - you've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. - your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. - you have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. - you end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with." - your first job was detasseling. - asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different." - you consult the football schedule before planning your wedding date.
Woody Allen Quotes I “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Anderson's fingertips." ”My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." ”My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. "But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, I call it ‘finishing the job’." There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I peed in the holy water!" What I Want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet The wisdom of Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. DOCTOR - A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.
BOSS - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
TEARS - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
RUMOUR - News that travels more than the speed of sound.
DICTIONARY - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
MARRIAGE - It' s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
FATHER - A banker provided by nature
POLITICIAN - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
SMILE - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
OPTIMIST - A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
DIPLOMAT - A person who tells you to go hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
ETC - A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
COMMITTEE - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
OFFICE - A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
A reporter went to the local mental hospital to do a story on some of the patients and their ailments. As she was being led around by the nurse she noticed a patient in his room running a few steps swinging his arm forward underhanded as though he was throwing something then he hollered SPARE! He again did this only this time hollered STRIKE! She asked him what he was doin and he said "oh, I’m just bowling." They continued the tour and now she noticed another patient who was swinging both arms as though he was holding a bat and saying, "strike one, strike two, etc..." She asked what he was doing and he said "just playing baseball." As they continued on again this time she saw a man sitting in a chair naked with a hard-on and he was balancing a peanut on the end of his dick. She had to ask, "and what the hell are you doing?" He said ,"Me, oh I’m just fucking nuts!"
Martha Stewart vs The Real Woman: Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". The Real Women's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND!
Martha's way #8: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And, finally, the most important tip... Martha's way #9: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?

Hollywood’s ‘Jew’s Who’
The Jewish Hollywood moguls long ago decided that it would help them make more money if the general public viewed films as being "Christian." In fact, they personally wanted to blend in with the Gentile community. Thus Samuel Goldfish changed his name to Goldwyn and Cecil B.de Mille insisted that he was a Gentile until his death when a Rabbi officiated at his funeral. Every single one of the original Jewish developers of the movie industry divorced their Jewish wives and married beautiful Christian starlets. This includes Louis B. Mayer, Samuel Goldwyn, Jack Warner, David O. Selznick and Harry Cohen. They gave orders to the numerous Jews they made "stars" to change Jewish names to Christian sounding ones. This has also included a lot of "nosejobs" for both Jewish male and female stars.
Here are but a few who followed this road to stardom.
Adopted Christian Name Real Jewish Name
Joey Adams .............................. Joseph Abramowitz
Eddie Albert ...............................Eddie Heimberger
Woody Allen.............................. Allen Konigsberg
Lauren Bacall ........................... Joan Perske
Jack Benny ............................... Benny Kubelsky
Milton Berle ............................. Milton Berlinger
Ernest Borgnine .........................Effron Borgnine
George Burns ........................... Nathan Birnbaum
Joan Blondell............................. Rosebud Blustein
Joyce Brothers ..........................Joyce Bauer
Mel Brooks .............................. Melvin Kaminsky
Joey Bishop .............................. Joey Gottlieb
Charles Bronson ....................... Charles Buchinsky
Rona Barrett ..............................Rona Burnstein
Cyd Charisse ...............................Tula Finklea
Tony Curtis ............................... Bernie Schwartz (daughter is Jamie Lee Curtis)
Joan Crawford .......................... Lucille Le Sueur
Dyan Cannon ............................ Samile Friesen
Kirk Douglas ............................ Isadore Demsky (son is Michael Douglas)
Bob Dylan ..................................Robert Zimmerman
Rodney Dangerfield .................. Jacob Cohen
Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. ........... Douglas Ullman
Joel Grey ......................... ........ Joel Katz (father of Jennifer Grey)
Elliott Gould ................................Elliott Goldstein
Zsa Zsa Gabor ............................ Sara Gabor
John Garfield ............................. Jules Garfinkle
Judy Garland .............................. Frances Gumm
Paulette Goddard ....................... Paulette Levy
Eydie Gorme............................... Edith Gormezano
Cary Grant .................................. Larry Leach
Lorne Green ................................ Chaim Leibowiz
Judy Holliday .............................. Judith Tuvin
Leslie Howard ............................. Leslie Stainer
Buddy Hackett .............................Leonard Hacker
Danny Kaye..................................David Kominsky
Alan King .....................................Irwin Kniberg
Larry King......................................Larry Zeiger
Tina Louise................................... Tina Blacker
Ann Landers...................................Esther Friedman (sister of Abigail Van Buren)
Dorothy Lamour ........................... Dorothy Kaumeyer
Michael Landon ........................... Mike Orowitz
Steve Lawrence ............................Sidney Leibowitz
Hal Linden.....................................Hal Lipshitz
Jerry Lewis .................................. Joseph Levitch
Karl Malden ................................. aiden Sekulovitch
Ethel Merman .............................. Ethel Zimmerman
Jan Murray .................................. Murray Janofsky
Walter Matthau ........................... Walter Matasschanskayasky
Lilly Palmer ..................................Maria Peiser
Jan Pierce.....................................Pincus Perelmuth
Roberta Peters..............................Roberta Peterman
Eleanor Parker............................. Ellen Friedlob
Joan Rivers ..................................Joan Molinsky
Tony Randall .............................. Sidney Rosenberg
Edward G. Robinson .................. Emanuel Goldenberg
Dinah Shore ................................ Fanny Rose
Shelly Winters ............................ Shirley Schrift
Gene Wilder................................ Jerome Silberman

There are hundreds of other Jewish stars of which the following is a modest sampling: Don Adams, Ed Asner, Bea Arthur, Roseanne Barr, Gene Barry, Richard Benjamin, David Brenner, Sid Caesar, Kevin Costner, Lee J. Cobb, Norm Crosby, Richard Dreyfus, Ted Danson, Richard Dawson, Peter Falk (Columbo), Eddie Fisher, Richard Gere, Betty Grable, Sharon Gless, Steven Segall Dustin Hoffman, Monty Hall, Amy Irving, George Jessel, Billy Joel, Alan King, Jack Klugman, David Letterman, Barry Manilow, Tony Martin, Bette Midler, Leonard Nimoy, Ken Olin, Ron Perlman, Carl Reiner, Don Rickles, Martha Reye, George Segal, Garry Shandling, William Shatner, Peter Strauss, Rod Steiger, Jane Seymour, Barbara Streisand, Ringo Starr, Barbara Walters, Debra Winger, Bruce Willis and Henry Winkler.
The following are half-Jewish: Joan Collins, Goldie Hawn, Paul Newman, Harrison Ford, Robert DeNiro and Geraldo Rivera.
What? Did they forget Whoopi Goldberg on purpose?
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds. and his bad LDL-cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control, so Man would not have to toil to change channels. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip, also.And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery... And Satan created our health care system. And so goes the story.. on, and on, and on..
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending upon where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
8:02 PM on February 20 this year will be an historic moment in time. It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again. As the clock ticks over from 8:01 pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise - 20:02, 20/02, 2002. The only other time the clock has been palindromic was at 10:01 AM on January 10, 1001, and it will never happen again.
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work! (I don’t know who said it but I think Noam Chomski would approve)
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs. After she woke up this morning, my wife said, “ I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful pearl necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?" I told her "You'll know on your birthday." Boy, is she ever going to be excited when opens up the book I got for her entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, and James," she answered. "They're all named James?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'James,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'James, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
A 60ish woman went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband." The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 70 year old husband replies: "Which days". The Doctor says: "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday." The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I play golf so she'll have to take the bus."
One winter morning while listening to the radio, a husband and his blonde wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The blonde goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The blonde goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. The blonde says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." The husband says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a funeral procession is at night should the cars turn their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
If a parsley farmer is successfully sued can they garnish his wages?
Can you be totally partial to something?
When cops arrest a mime do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?
If you are in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How do you know if a Chinese person has robbed your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded and running perfectly, but two hours later he’s still trying to back out of your driveway!
A man in a blue suit had fallen off the subway station landing, and a train was bearing down on him. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" The man would not reach up. Suddenly a wise guru elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?" "I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit. "Please sir, take my hand", said the guru. The man immediately grasped the mystic's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. The holy man turned to the amazed by-standers and said, "Never ask a tax man to give you anything."
More Rodney
- I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
- When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
- Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
- With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
- What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
- I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
- My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
A guy having lunch at a diner watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the diner and went on down the road. After paying for his meal the chap went over to the workmen. "Hold it, hold it," he said. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work." "You've got to help me, Doc," the Irishman said. "It's me ear. There's somethin' in there." "Let's have a look. Why, my goodness, it's true. You've got money lodged up in there." The doctor proceeded to pull out a $100 bill. "Wow," he said, "and there's still more." Out came a few more hundreds, then some fifties and some tens. Finally the doctor said, "Well, that seems to be it." "How much was there, all told?" "One thousand, nine hundred and ninety dollars." "Ah, yes, that'd be right," said the Irishman. "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." Don't try to pick up a woman at the Laundromat. If she can't afford her own washing machine, then she will never be able to support you! Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers and making his monthly collections. He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says, "Collecting for the paper, that'll be five dollars." The lady says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead." Johnny says, "All right." He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and he's got the biggest penis she's ever seen! Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his manhood. She says, "Oh, you don't have to do that - I can take all of it." To which Dirty Johnny replies: "Not for five bucks you can't!"
Did you hear Buckwheat became a Muslim? His Muslim name is Kareem of Wheat! What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common? They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
A man asked his wife: "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot! I meant my dress size." A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort. "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away." The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is
just going to vanish." As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a
certain department... how can I put it... " "When was the last time you two had sex?" "About eight years ago." "Send him over." A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."
Two old retired professors were sitting on the porch of the retirement home. One said to the other, "Have you read Marx?" To which the other replied, "Yes. I think they're from the wicker chairs."
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee, which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit - not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old - I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray - "executive blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for, not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer, get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches, not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older, much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles, for sure,
But don't call me old - just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old - I'm only mature.

The Perfect Day
PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30
Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15
Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15
Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:30 Blowjob
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:20 Blowjob
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:15 Blowjob
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch Sportscenter.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:46 One last blowjob
11:59 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
12:00 Laugh yourself to sleep.
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day."
If I can be of any help,...then you're in pretty bad shape.

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER
1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6). What does a dog do that you can step into?
7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

ANSWERS: 1. talk 2. legs 3. a twenty dollar bill 4. firetruck 5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt 6. pants 7. fork 8. Almond Joy candy bar 9. grit 10. last name

Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels pretty good at first, but in the end you realize you're just fucking yourself.

A bartender notices a regular customer, a notorious womanizer, looking worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife .""So stop!" the barkeep said. "I can't," the hapless fellow replied, "The jerk didn't sign his name!"
LOS ANGELES - When electrician Deke Henley went to his local bar, "Sonny McLean's," to watch the Olympics on Monday night with his friend Joe, he figured he would watch a little downhill skiing or some hockey, have a beer, then go to bed. Instead, his friend was late, and Henley found himself engrossed in the Pairs Figure Skating competition, entranced by the near-perfect performance of Canadians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier. But when the judges' scores came in the victory went to the Russian team of Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze. Henley was outraged. It was at this point that Henley stood up and yelled at the TV, "They were robbed! The Goddam Canadians were robbed! You can't tell me the judges didn't see that Commie bastard [Sikharulidze] step out of his double axel!" Unfortunately, it was also right at this moment that the music stopped. Henley's face reddened as absolute silence descended upon the bar, and he realized what he had just said. According to observers, the bartender immediately informed Henley that, while he was welcome to stay and enjoy himself, "this is not a gay bar, Deke." The burly, bearded barkeep recommended that if Henley wanted to go "trolling," then West Hollywood was the place to go. "It was so embarrassing," said Henley. "I tried to explain that I am not a homosexual, but nobody would let it go. Once I said 'axel,' I was fucked." Henley's fellow regulars quickly made a beeline to his seat at the bar, peppering him with inane questions such as "what is your dress size, fancyboy?" and re-purposed queer jokes like "What is the difference between a refrigerator and Deke Henley? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Henley tried to counter the non-stop barrage of insults by stating that "Dude, I was just looking at the chick. She's really hot," but to no avail. And the arrival of Henley's friend Joe Tripodi served only to fuel another bar-wide bout of overly-exaggerated eye-rolling. "I was, like, 'what the fuck is up?' when I came in," stated Tripodi. "But then somebody told me that Deke had just complained about a judge's decision in figure skating, and I understood it all. I just want to state for the record that I am very supportive of Deke's decision to come out of the closet." Tripodi then smirked uncontrollably before saying, "America! Listen up! Deke Henley is here. He's Queer! So we'd better get used to the idea!" Still others weren't as forgiving. "I don't mind that Henley is gay," stated one anonymous patron. "I have a lot of gay friends. But what the hell was he doing rooting for Canada? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a turd-burgling Chinook-lover." "I don't know what came over me," stated a mortified Henley. "I guess it's just that Sale and Pelletier skated soooo cleanly, displaying the kind of passion and artistry that I'll remember all my life. I just hope this judging scandal doesn't taint the ice-dancing competiti----Fuck! I'm doing it again!"
Is it politically correct to say in Woman's Hockey? "A lot of rubber passed her crease" or " I slipped it between her legs"

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a pubic hair in-between his teeth? Gladiator.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now...THAT'S a message!!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?" HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "DAMMIT, Doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I?" The doctor replied, "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." "Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please, doc, kill me. I can't go on like this...." "Now, son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm." "Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead." "Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one." "Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on." The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?" "We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it." Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up" he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good... jerk it off." RRIIIPPPP!!!!
Number of Physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171 (source: U.S Dept. of Health and Human Services)
Number of Gun owners in the US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) = 1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner = 0.0000188 (source: U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms)
Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners!!!
FACT:
Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor! Please alert your friends to this alarming threat! We must ban doctors before this gets any further out of hand!!! But there is still more. As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta. A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh, Air Canada".
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so." A Canadian hockey fan, an American fan and a Swedish fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Swede fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Swede fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying
with pain when the punishment was done. The American fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after
watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 5 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the American fan crying. The Canadian fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your country has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Canadian replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Tie the American fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped again."
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" After a moment of silence he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!" On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway? One drives in a slow, white Bronco. The other was a slow, white Bronco. When N.A.S.A. first started sending up American astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, N.A.S.A. scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.
What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her! In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?!" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area." A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!" French Intellectuals to be Deployed to Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God
The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous kind. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of second-hand smoke from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet. This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies.
The nice thing about being an adult is getting to look a kid square in the eye and say,.... "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind." John Allston I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong. Necrophilia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." A fellow says, “I just got a great deal on a hearing aid…less than half price! His friend says, "How much was it"? "Twenty to seven" "Doctor, doctor!, I've only 59 seconds to live" Doctor: "Right, I'll be with you in a minute" U.P.I. - ATLANTA, GA (Dec. 28) - The governors of Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS. So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and
Yomamma Bin Lovinit. A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had beenstealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.""This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?""No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations:1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.2. I would not allow this employee to breed.3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.15. He has been working with glue too much.16. He would argue with a signpost.17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.29. One neuron short of a synapse.30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge he only gargled.31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. A newlywed couple gets back from their honeymoon and the husband decides that he wants to watch the video of their first night as husband and wife. He plays the tape and hears his wife say, "Ahh, ahh, that's happiness. Ahh, ahh, that's happiness." Just then, his new bride walks in and says, "You moron, that's slo-mo." She rewinds the tape and plays it at normal speed: "Ha, ha, that's a penis? Ha, ha, that's a penis?" Mr. Jones came home to find his wife in tears. He asked what was wrong. She said the pharmacist yelled at her. Mr Jones went to the pharmacy. As soon as the pharmacist saw him he said, "Wait before you before you start you've got to hear my side of the story. I woke up an hour late this morning because my alarm clock broke. I poured a bowl of cereal for breakfast only to find out the milk was sour. Then I got a speeding ticket trying to get to work. When I got here there were four customers waiting. While waiting on them your wife called and ask how to use a rectal thermometer. All I did was tell her what to do with it." 1943 Guide to Hiring Women - The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 58 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject:1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy.3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy. A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks, "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. How old am I?" TOP 10 SIGNS TO BUY A NEW CAR...10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.7. The 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.2. You keep losing dates on left turns.1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. The Ajax man, the Maytag man and Mr. Clean are all bachelors. And that, my friends, is proof that women prefer men who talk dirty! 20 REASONS WHY A QUICKIE IS BETTER THAN MARATHON SEX1. No repetitive-stress injuries.2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.3. Two words: less sweat.4. On deadline? No problem!5. Saves on batteries.6. No guilt associated with saying, "I think it's time for you to go home now."7. Two more words: stress reduction.8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.9. Won't ruin your lipstick.10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don't mind rubberneckers).11. Sometimes you just don't want your toes sucked.12. You don't have to worry about remembering your partner's name.13. Performance anxiety? What's that?14. It's something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.15. Doesn't give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.16. You don't have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.18. A line doesn't form outside the bathroom at the party.19. Dinner doesn't get cold.20. Pillow talk? What's that!
A Jewish fellow, Yitzak, tells his father, Moishe he’s going to marry! His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..." "Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?" I'm very, very happy," says the son. "OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both, "replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening. "Father... I too will be married soon!" Again, Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises..."What is her name?," implores the father. "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox." "Oy," says Moishe. "But are you happy?" "I'm happy, Father." "OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moishe. Dejected, Moishe goes to the Temple to pray. "Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out. The next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father!!, I am to wed in the spring!" "HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands. "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moishe is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?" "No," says Chutzpah. "Hmmm," says Moishe... "Must be attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills?" "Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah... " What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?" "Whoopi."

An interesting perspective on Canadian tax cuts passed on by a friend......
I was having lunch at PJ's with one of my favourite clients last week and the conversation turned to the government's recent round of tax cuts. "I'm opposed to those tax cuts," the retired college instructor declared, "because they benefit the rich. The rich get much more money back than ordinary taxpayers like you and I and that's not fair." "But the rich pay more in the first place," I argued, "so it stands to reason that they'd get more money back." I could tell that my friend was unimpressed by this meager argument. Even college instructors are a prisoner of the myth that the "rich" somehow get a free ride in Canada. Nothing could be further from the truth. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that everyday 10 men go to PJ's for dinner, the bill for all ten comes to $100. If it was paid the way we pay our taxes, the first four men would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until the owner threw them a curve. Since you are all such good customers, he said, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20. Now dinner for the 10 only costs $80. The first four are unaffected. They still eat for free. Can you figure out how to divvy up the $20 savings among the remaining six so that everyone gets his fair share? The men realize that $20 divided by 6 is $3.33, but if they subtract that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being paid to eat their meal. The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of $59. Outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out the $20," declared the sixth man pointing to the tenth, "and he got $7!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times more than me! "That's true," shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks." "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor." The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They were $52 short!
And that, boys and girls and college instructors, is how Canada's tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in Switzerland and the Caribbean.
GENTLEMEN QUIZ - Want to know if you're a gentleman?1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:a) Lovemakingb) Screwingc) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationshipb) Your blood-test resultsc) Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that:a) Your partner climaxes firstb) You both climax simultaneouslyc) You don't miss Sports Center 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:a) Healthy, creative love-playb) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree toc) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:a) The best part of the experienceb) The second best part of the experiencec) $100 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:a) No concern of yoursb) Not a problem - she can join your gymc) A conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:a) A mythb) An oxymoronc) A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as:a) Appetizer is to entreeb) Priming is to paintingc) A queue is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?a) "I hope we can still be friends."b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacyb) Is uptight and a waste of timec) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check in your pants to make sure you really are a man.If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
A fellow walks over and sits down next to a woman having a drink at the bar. He says, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She said, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look."
A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they got a flat tire. The guy was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her to just wait there. "Hey asshole, get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire" he said. The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey shithead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your ass." The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke, then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass, and make you change that tire while I fuck your girlfriend." "And, I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand while I do it." As they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "that cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he baby?" "Naw, he wasn't so tough", said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?" FOREGONE CONCLUSION:
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like……….it's speaking English that kills you! In the olden days three men were convicted of adultery and were sentenced to be castrated. The jury decided each man's genitals should be removed by a tool of his trade. The first guy was a butcher and so a large butcher's knife was used to remove his manhood. The second was a carpenter and a hack saw did the job. The third presented a problem as he was the owner of a candy store. After much deliberation it was decided to ask the town prostitute to suck it till it melted.
Months after it was discovered that Sony Pictures Entertainment was engineering their own movie reviews, the company will pay $325,000, and will no longer feature Sony employees in television ads praising their films...... In a press release, a spokesman for the studio called the decision, quote, "Astounding! Greatest settlement ever! Two thumbs up!!!" Never let it be said that aircraft ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed And QANTAS still has the best safety record ... Must be their keen sense of humour that keeps them in the air. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."-- Lenny Bruce Bumper Stickers For WomenSO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.And my favorite!IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. A blonde goes into a Tim Horton's Donuts and notices there's a “Roll up the rim to win” on her coffee cup. So she rolls it up and starts screaming, "I've won an RV...I can't believe it, I've actually won an RV!" The waitress says, "That's impossible, the biggest prize is a Tim Horton's coffee maker." But the blond insists, and at the top of her lungs keeps screaming, "I've won an RV, I can't believe that I've actually won an RV!" Finally the Manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I am very sorry, but you must be mistaken. We are not offering an RV as one of the prizes." The blond says, "No, it's not a mistake, I've won an RV!" And with that, she hands over the winning rolled rim to the Manager. The Manager reads it as a slight smile forms on her face . . . …. It said, WIN A BAGEL! BEHIND EVERY GREAT FORTUNE THERE IS A CRIME - Balzac "Advice is like snow -- the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind." -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge What do you get when you cross 50 pigs and 50 deer? A hundred-sows and bucks!!! A touching story ! This past weekend, I was rushing around trying to do some shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas). The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared in to the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car. Kenneth Lay Former Enron CEO Jerusalem (SatireWire.com) Update — Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's "chosen people" finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning. Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn't be pleased about being tapped for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. "Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled," he said. "We should also enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don't. "Now don't ask such questions until you watch the news, or read history, or at least rent 'Fiddler on the Roof'." Much of the world's re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. "It's always been considered a joke with us. You know, 'Please G-d, next time choose someone else,' ha ha," said New York City resident David Bashert. "Ha. Ha ha," Bashert added. "Shit." According to a worldwide survey of faiths, not a single group expressed an interest in being chosen, and the only application submitted before last night's filing deadline, on behalf of the Islamic people, proved to be a fake. "Somebody filled out a form and signed our name to it, but I guarantee it wasn't us," said Imam Yusuf Al Muhammed of Medina, Saudi Arabia. "I'm not going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew." "Oh, don't be such a k'vetsh," responded Meyerson. "It's only 10,000 years. Trust me, after a few diaspora, you would have gotten used to the universal hatred thing." Due to the absence of voluntary candidates, God's Law stipulated that the Almighty had to choose a people at random to serve out the next 10-millenia term. Elias Contreau, director of the International Interfaith Working Group, said he wasn't surprised it came to a blind drawing. "According to the Bible, God promised to bless Abraham and those who came after him," said Contreau. "Who knows, maybe that sounded good at the time, or maybe 'blessed' meant something different back then, like 'Short periods of prosperity interrupted by insufferable friggin' chaos.' Whatever, I think it's safe to say that people didn't know what they were agreeing to." Now they do, Contreau added, which he said explains why so many religions had lately been exalting God's existence, but downplaying their own. "We were not avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if Anyone asks, we're out," insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. George Carey, who had called off services during February. "Besides, we weren't the only ones. I didn't see the Hindus raising their hands." "Now look, it's like we told the ethereal vision who dropped off the application, 'Sure, we have a strong shared faith and all that, but I wouldn't exactly say we're a 'people,' not really,'" recalled Hindu leader Samuldrala Swami Maharaj of Calcutta. "Plus, you know, I told him we had a lot of other commitments. We'd like to help, honestly. Another time, maybe." In Jerusalem, Jewish leaders said they will propose an amendment to God's Law prohibiting a people from having to serve more than two consecutive terms. "Hopefully, G-d will hear our prayer," said Meyerson. "No, wait, that's what got us into this." Americans, meanwhile, expressed outrage at the decision, saying they had assumed they were God's chosen people. However, explained Archbishop Carey, "It only seems that way because so many people don't like you." If only it were a soap opera!Jerusalem (SatireWire.com) - Sources on the set of "Israel", history's longest-running drama, say irascible stars Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat angrily walked off the set today, complaining that the show's scriptwriters continually make their characters say and do stupid things. "I'm supposed to be the Prime Minister of a country that's embroiled in this terrible conflict, where diplomacy and tact and wisdom should be important, but you people always have me playing this great pompous prat!" Sharon reportedly shouted before throwing his script on the ground and storming off to his trailer. "I swear, if you hacks have me bulldozing one more Palestinian village, or making one more asinine, inflammatory comment, I'm filing a complaint with Actors Equity," he added. Arafat was allegedly no less piqued at the way recent treatments have depicted the gruff, unlovable Palestinian chief he portrays. "A few seasons ago, my character was an influential creep, but now the script calls for everyone, even my own people, to treat me like a
neutered creep", grumbled Arafat as he sulked off to the small tent he's allowed to occupy on the remote outskirts of the set. "I'm starting to think they want to write me out of the series for next season." While the show's producers insisted the temperamental stars were simply overwrought due to a tight production schedule, television critics said they too have found themselves wincing at times, particularly over Sharon's lines. "It's like in a horror movie, when one of the characters is about to do something dumb like open a closet door or look under the bed, and you're watching and you want to scream, 'No, don't do it!'" said Los Angeles Times TV critic James Boldini. "Well, that's what they've done with the Sharon
character. You're watching and you say, 'Oh God, don't say that!' But he always does." "That's OK when it's "Just Shoot Me" or "Married with Children," but this is supposed to be a reality-based drama," Boldini added. Boldini also said the writing on the show has "definitely gone downhill" since the popular Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat were in the cast.
"A perfect example is that episode a couple of weeks back, when Sharon says he wished he had killed Arafat 20 years ago," he said. "I mean, c'mon, why would a head of state publicly say something so incendiary and stupid? He just wouldn't." Viewers also expressed disappointment. Peter Curlimo of Chicago rolled his eyes over a "particularly absurd" January installment. "In previous episodes, they had set it up so Arafat has this great opportunity to make the world feel sorry for his people's cause and maybe put pressure on Israel, right?" said Curlimo. "But then they have his character blow it by secretly buying a big old arms shipment from Iran so he comes off looking like a total lying, conniving jerk."
"It's a basic rule of fiction," Curlimo added. "You have to make at least one of the main characters, if not likable, then at least a sympathetic figure. You'd think these writers would know that." According to agent Lenny Waldman, who represents both Sharon and Arafat, the show's staff is also making a mistake by not letting the two characters evolve. Israel's writers, Waldman said, should take their cue from "America: The Series". "The cool thing about "America" is they let the actors grow into the roles," Waldman said. "Like the George W. Bush character. Remember how early in the season he started out really bumbling, but then they let his character develop until, in that one climactic scene, the whole U.S. Senate officially declares him no longer goofy? Now that is compelling television." According to Waldman, both Sharon and Arafat have announced they want their characters re-written before they will return. "Israel" head writer Kent Loring, however, insisted it couldn't be done. "What are we supposed to do, have Sharon suddenly turn around and say'OK, let's try to work something out and make peace?'" Loring asked. "Or I'm gonna have Arafat suddenly do what he promises to do? That would be totally out of character and no one would believe it." Loring denied rumors that in the season finale, Sharon will turn out to be Arafat's long-lost brother. However, he did say the final episode would be
"explosive" and "definitely a can't miss." But if "Israel" continues on the self-destructive path the writers seem bent on, the question in many viewers' minds is, "Will there be anyone left on the set to watch?"
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra. The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

It isn't widely known, but, the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Canadian inventor who put a hole in the seat.
A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, “Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo...” She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the cockpit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, “Be silent!” There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot. The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, resumed shouting, ”OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....”

The following are actual in-flight quotes taken from a digest: (seen before but good enough to repeat)On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways off this airplane.""Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite, now.Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.""Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.""Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children.""As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question" Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!!

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning with no problem. I thought sure he was pretty much with it until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no Sir, would you believe I'm delivering a bridge."

Top 11 things PMS stands for: Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual Munching Spree Puffy Mid-Section People Make me Sick Provide Me with Sweets Pardon My Sobbing Pimples May Surface Pass My Sweatpants Plainly, Men Suck Pack My Stuff

These days I’m a walking economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these two factors is putting me into a deep depression.
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM...1. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?2. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?3. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?4. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?5. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?6. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?7. What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?8. Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings, put coins into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?9. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? A blonde needing help in a library asked how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and the blonde thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. Replied the blonde, "Tequila Mockingbird." TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGERead it through to the end, it gets better as you go!I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night". Age 5I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47I've learned that no matter what comes, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America.
* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's, which are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia! What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
The truth is often stranger than fiction. A young orthodox married couple found themselves forced to call a car service on Shabbat because she had to go to the hospital to give birth. Wanting to minimize the violation of the Sabbath, they insisted that the dispatcher only send a non-Jewish driver. As they entered the car to go to the maternity ward, they heard the dispatcher on the radio asking the driver if he picked up the "anti-semites" yet!
The good news: Saddam Hussein has agreed to have his chemical, nuclear and biological weapons counted. The bad news: He wants Arthur Andersen to do it. President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency; "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a disaster! "George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in dair power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean. Oh, and one small favour, please?" said Dubbya. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush. "No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen' dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter." "That's easily done. Anything else?" "Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, SIZE SMALL. Why do blondes take the pill? Mostly so they can keep track of what day it is! WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOU
It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier!
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
MARCH 21, 1962, Rosie O'Donnell was born. Ah, the good old days - before she could speak.In 1944, Timothy Dalton, the fourth James Bond in the film series, was born...He's 0058.
NBC has announced that it will not be the first network to run hard liquor commercials, despite recent discussion ofthe idea. The network changed its mind after a request was made by the "bipartisan leadership of the House and SenateCommerce Committee"...... When they asked Ted Kennedy what to do about the liquor bill, he said, "Pay it!" A new show for the FOX network titled, "Girl Next Door: The Search for a Playboy Centerfold," will highlight amateurnude modeling. The show format will be a two-hour special that documents twelve Playboy hopefuls...... The tough part: Unfolding the TV screen for the centerfold. The Iraqi News Agency has said that two new novels will be issued in the next few months, the author of which localwriters believe to be President Saddam Hussein...... It's his best fiction since his reports of victory in the Gulf War.POTENTIAL TITLES FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN NOVELS:"The Scuds of Wrath""A Tree Won't Grow in Bagdad""20,000 Leagues Under the Sand""A Tale of Two Smart Bombs""For Whom the Stealth Bomber Tolls"And the final Saddam Hussein best selling title:"A Farewell to Arms...and Legs" While waiting for her first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, a lady friend of mine noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been her classmate. After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" she asked. He answered, "In 1951." "Why, you were in my class!" she exclaimed. He looked at her closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s." He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17. "Now watch," says the voice. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says, "Fuck."
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn’t get her anything.She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?” He says, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred port or sherry and she said, “Oh, sherry, by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with an overwhelming sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.” She continued, “On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

Mrs. O’Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party, an old matron approached Mrs. O’Malley and said, “My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?” Mrs. O’Malley said, “The secret o’ me soup is that I use but two hundred thirty-nine beans to make it.” The woman said, “Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?” Mrs. O’Malley said, “Because one more would make it too farty.”
Church Bulletin Board Bloopers (some old, some new)
The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
"Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill 'Christ the King'."
"Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again." Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
"Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time."
"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
"The sermon this morning is 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight will be 'Searching for Jesus'."
"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."
"Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons."
"During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit."
"The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing 'Break Forth into Joy'." "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community."
"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
"The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
"Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow." "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."
"The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door."
"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance."
Great quotes from Dorothy Parker:"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires."When asked to use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.""If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.""If all the girls at Brandeis were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be surprised.""Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.""That woman speaks eight languages and can't say no in any of them.""Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.""I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.""I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be a darling at it.""The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.""Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.""I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." George Carlin on the subject of Age:Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16. And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony... YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30...then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, It's all slipping away!!! Before you know it, you REACH 50 ...and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE IT to 60 You didn't think you would! So you: BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60. You've built up so much speed that you...HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; You HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every DAY is a complete cycle: You HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30. You REACH bedtime. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas! It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!! And it doesn't end there...Into the 90s, you start going backwards: "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"May you all make it (healthily) to 120!

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine." The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. - Jean de la Bruyre

Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!

MEN ARE LIKE...
Men are like.....Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier. "Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know, it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts." "Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge. "You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!

What song did the Kotex pad sing to the fart? You are the Wind Beneath my Wings.

It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played. All I hit were two good balls, and that was only because I stepped on a rake!

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. He says "John what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here! She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave!!" The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. He says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me... tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Dave!!!" A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. He says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave!! I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'" "Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great big DICK!!! .....Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!" Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
More bumper stickers
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
All generalizations are false.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough Youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Playboy Magazine is in discussion with former employees of Enron Corp., trying to entice them to submit photos ofthemselves in bikinis for a "Women of Enron" issue... Enron investors: Talk about your bare market!!! Despite her unwillingness to participate personally, the co-chairwoman of the Severed Enron Employees Coalition, Deborah DeForge, stated, . "That's kind of a highlight. We've had so much depressing news or stressful news, and then to all of a sudden come up with something like that, it's kind of cute..." And Ken Lay has a perfect name for a porn star!!! On March 27, 1866, Andrew Rankin received a patent for the urinal… a real whiz of an inventor. Screeners at 32 U.S. airports failed to detect hundreds of knives, guns or simulated explosives in tests by government investigators in the months after Sept. 11... Thank God they detected my nail clippers, though. Sunday night's Academy Awards telecast drew the lowest rating in history, according to Nielsen Media Research. The ratings could have only been lower if it was a MOVIE with Whoopi Goldberg. Here are a couple of cute and one dumb line from the evening. "At long last, an Academy award for the Best Animated Feature Film. I know dear old Walt Disney would be smilingright now if he wasn't frozen solid."--Nathan Lane"Some things haven't changed: The Pink Panther still can't adopt in Florida." -- Nathan Lane, announcing Oscar's first-ever best animated feature award. "Why would I want to watch it? I think it's a fraud.. I don't remember any true Jewish actor getting an award."-- Tony Curtis, when asked if he watched the Awards and also proving either he's never watched the Oscars or his memory is gone. Time to introduce him to the ‘Jews control Hollywood’ theorists.

Presidents on a sinking ship! Ford says: "What do we do?" Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan says: "What lifeboats?" Carter says: "Women first!" Nixon says: "Screw the women!" Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Aw, come now," he said. "You don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car steering with my knees, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and scalded Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call! DAMNED WOMEN DRIVERS! Shmulik, who was a religious Jew as well as a financial genius, left Brooklyn for a job as CFO of a well known brokerage in Utah.The pressure on the company president from the mostly Mormon directors was immense: "We can't have a Jew running the business - we're religious people here" they said. The president took Shmulik aside for a pep-talk and explained unequivocally that he would have to convert if he wanted to hold on to his honourable (not to mention 6-figure-earning) position. Shmulik felt he had no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it was easier than losing this great job. He went home and told his wife, "It's simple. From Sunday we'll be going to church with the kids". So passed a good few months, but his wife wouldn't stop nagging him, saying "It's so difficult for me, I miss Shabbat, lighting candles, kiddush, festivals...you know, money isn't everything, Shmulik" The more she nagged him, the worse Shmulik's conscience bothered him too. Finally, he'd had enough. He went back to the president of the company and said "Listen, I can't go on like this, my troubles are eating me up inside, money isn't everything and I can't even sleep at night, my wife neither. It's too much for me - I was born a Jew and I want to die a Jew. If you want me to quit, I'll go without making a fuss." The president looked at him in amazement and said "Listen, Samuel, I had no idea it was so tough for you. I figured changing religions would be simple thing. You know what, stay working here, stay Jewish as you wish, and I'll take care of the rest". Shmulik went home with a thrill in his heart and a spring in his step. He ran to his wife (who was on the couch watching Ricki Lake) and said "Tzipporah, you won't belive it, a miracle happened, we're going back to being Jews, and it's OK, I talked to my boss and he's letting me keep my job!" Tzippy looked at him with eyes spitting fire and said "Tell me, ARE YOU NUTS!!!!!!!????!!" Shmuel looked at her in shock. "But...but I thought that was what you wanted all along, what you were crying to me all along. What? You don't want to go back to being Jewish?" Tzippy looked even more upset and said, "Of course I do.... BUT NOW?!?!?! TWO WEEKS BEFORE PESACH?!?!?!?"
Legal Haiku:While at divorce court She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my chequebook!
Dog Haiku: I love my master;Thus I perfume myself withThis long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier thanYou ever will be.
Today I sniffedMany dog butts -- I celebrateBy kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!Paperboy--come to kill us all--Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!Garbage man--come to kill us all--Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg andWhiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?The ways are numberless asMy hairs on the rug.
My human is home!I am so ecstatic I haveMade a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain.Look, world, they strangle me! AckAck Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chinOn your foot--no greater bliss--well,Maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes andDeny it. No human couldLove you as much I do.
The cat is not allBad--she fills the litter boxWith Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence--why?Because it's there. Because it'sThere. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,Now, always, and especiallyWhen you are eating.
You may call them fleas,But they are far more--I callThem a vocation.
My owners' mood isRomantic -- I lie near theirFeet. I fart a big one.

Inner strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pillsIf you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and painsIf you can resist complaining and boring people with your troublesIf you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you timeIf you can face the world without lies and deceitIf you are very happy to see friends no matter when they drop byIf you can conquer tension without medical helpIf you can sleep without the aid of drugsThen.................. .....you are probably a dog.

A fellow was drafted by the U.S. Army. On the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb and then they sheared all of his hair off. On the second day the Army gave him a toothbrush and then the Army dentist yanked out several of his teeth. On the third day he was given a jock strap and he promptly went AWOL.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
In the beginning there was nothing.And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"And still there was nothing,...but at least now you could see it!

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and bought a parrot, which unbeknownst to her had been owned by a sailor. For the next week she spent time getting to know him and trained him to sit on her shoulder. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market, which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have any reservations," inquires the concierge. "Well," says the groom. "I’m afraid she won’t take it up the ass."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly. She suffers, not me."

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante

Ten Things men know for sure about women.
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4.
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6.
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10. They have breasts.

Artisan Entertainment has acquired the rights to Enron whistleblower Sherron Watkins' "Power Failure," her upcoming book about the energy trader's meltdown as seen from her front-row seat at the firm. The deal is for mid-six figures, according to sources...The only book to ever begin with Chapter 11.

In 1886, the first batch of Coca Cola was brewed over a fire in a backyard in Atlanta, GA, with the ingredient cocaine.
Dr. John Pemberton created the concoction as a "hangover" cure and advertised it as a "brain tonic and intellectual beverage." Cocaine was an ingredient of Coke until 1904 when Congress banned it...Plus it was hard to snort the drink up your nose - the bubbles tickled.

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged. "Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls!"

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up. "No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.
With the miracle of fertility treatment, a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65. When the relatives came to visit they asked, "Can we see the baby?" " Not yet," said the 65-year-old mother. Twenty minutes later, they asked again, "Can we see the baby now?" "No, not yet, " she said. Another twenty minutes passed and the visitors asked impatiently, " Well, when can we see the baby then?" "You can see the baby when it cries," she replied. "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" "Because," she said, "I forgot where I put it."
There was a young gigolo named BrunoWho said, "Screwing's one thing I do knowWhile women are fineAnd sheep are divineLama's are numero uno!" There was a young couple named KellyWho were seemly connected at bellyBecause in their hasteThey use library pasteWhich they thought was vaginal jelly A pathetic old maid of BordeauxFell in love with a dashing young beauTo entice his regardShe would squat in his yardAnd appealingly piss in the snow There once was a man named DaveWho kept a dead whore in a caveShe had only one titAnd smelled worse than shitBut think of the money Dave saved There was a young lady from BrewsterWhose ass was so nice that I goosed herBut her panties were thinAnd my finger slipped inAnd it still just don't smell like it used ter A chicken farmer lived on a quiet rural highway, which built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of six a day. So he told the sheriff's office they had to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing his chickens. So the next day the county workers erected a sign that said:SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSINGThree days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster. "So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers to put up a new sign:SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYAnd that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" In order to be rid of him the sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." Having not heard from the farmer in three weeks, the sheriff decided to go to drive past the farmer's house and look at his sign. When he got there he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:SLOW: NUDIST COLONY What does an atheist shout when she's having an orgasm? "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!” Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets? They like running their fingers through their hair. What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts. Who circumcised Moby Dick? Four skin divers. Why did the Redneck trade his wife for an outhouse? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. Some one-liners from somewhere on the jaded and jaundiced side: Do you know where you can find sympathy? In the dictionary, somewhere between "shit" and "syphilis."
Indecision is the key to flexibility.You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
This is as bad as it can get...but don't bet on it.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster...until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Plagiarism saves time.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
The Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those people who opposed them.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
The surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
As you journey through life take a minute to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him, "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?" St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him. So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?" God answered, "You are what you are." The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..." "What was the answer," St. Peter asked.
"Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are.'" "Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes." "How do you know that?" asked the zebra. "Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: 'You is what you is.'" Did you know…By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it will digest itself.The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered fully compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck there.16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
More one-liners
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Remember, half the people you know are below average. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering WHAT HAPPENED!
Memo To All EmployeesDear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Two men lost their way in the jungle, and were captured by a tribe of huge muscular natives. The big (and I mean BIG) chief said to the first guy, "You got two choices:- Bangabanga or death?" The first guy thought nothing could be worse than death so he said, "I choose Bangabanga!" He was dragged into a hut, and was gang-banged by the chief and 9 other brutes. He cried in pain for the hours that it endured. When they dragged him out of the hut, he cried in a hoarse whisper to the second guy, "Don't choose Bangabanga. It’s too painful. Choose death. "So, when the chief posed the same question to the second guy, without hesitation he chose death. Upon hearing this, the tribal chief said, "Death? OK. Bangabanga' till death."
An artist who worked from a studio in his home came down with a cold just as his nude model was reporting for work After exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with the cold, that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off."

An immigrant from the Republic of Czech goes to an optometrist for a checkup. The doctor starts off with some routine tests. Showing him a standard eye chart with the letters: CRKBNWXSKZY The doc asks, "Can you read that?" "Read it?" the Czech asks in a surprised tone. "Heck, Doc, He's my best friend!"
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
A guy goes into a nightclub wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the nightclub and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in but just don't start anything."
More signs of the times:On the side of Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 Business"Sign over Gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix"At Military Hospital - door to endoscopies: "To expedite your visit, please back in.”Door of plastic surgeon's office: "Can I pick your nose?"At towing company: "We don't charge an arm and leg, we want tows!"On electrician’s truck: "Let me remove your shorts"In non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push"Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"Sign in Laundry: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one free of charge, close the store and have the manager shot --Would that be satisfactory?"
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.In a cemetery PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.From the "Soviet Weekly": HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.Finally, sign in front of funeral home: "DRIVE CAREFULLY, WE’LL WAIT"
Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. The groom says, "Honey, I've got a confession to make...I'm addicted to golf! I have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don't know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there" "That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a confession to make too...I'm a hooker!" "No big deal!" replied the groom, "Just loosen your grip, and open the club face."
What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's First Movement.
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A tran-sister.
Innovative scientific theories:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah, the lost rs migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh his car and invest in erl wells.

When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A buttered-cat array could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and giant buttered-cat arrays could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.

Cat Haiku
You never feed me.Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!Yes, above my tail!Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for todayTouch my tail, I shred your hand.New rule tomorrow.

Grace personified.I leap into the window.I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then-silence, me, a paper bag.What is so funny?

The mighty hunterReturns with gifts of plump birds-your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.Well, let's see you ignore mysitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.You cannot see me if Ican just hide my head.
Terrible battle.I fought for hours. Come and see!What's a 'term paper'?
Kitty likes plasticConfuses for litter boxDon't leave tarp around.
Small brave carnivoresKill pine cones and mosquitoesFear vacuum cleaner.
I want to be close to you.Can I fit my headinside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big Onehas been trapped by newspaper!Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.Mine lies still in bed, then screamsMy claws are not that sharp.
Cats meow out of angst"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!We could break so much!"
Litter box not hereYou must have moved it againI'll crap in the sink.
The Big Ones snore nowEvery room is dark and coldTime for "Cup Hockey.
"We're almost equalsI purr to show I love youWant to smell my butt?
More kids’ replies:
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods." A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?" A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress and all his problems. The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year." ~ Mark Twain"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one the heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" ~Isaac Asimov"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." ~Erica Jong"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." ~ Frank Lloyd Wright"If you are going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." ~ Antoine de Saint Exupery
You know the great thing about television? If anything important happens, anywhere in the world, ... you can always change the channel. -- Jim Ignikowsky (Taxi)

Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything. -- Robert A. Heinlein

A long and wicked life followed by five minutes of perfect grace gets you into Heaven. An equally long life of decent living and good works followed by one outburst of taking the name of the Lord in vain - then have a heart attack at that moment and be damned for eternity. Is that the system? -- Robert A. Heinlein

[To] me organized religion, the formalities and routines, [is] like being marched in formation to look at a sunset. -- John D. MacDonald, A Deadly Shade of Gold

Obscenity is the last refuge of the inarticulate motherfucker -- Bernard Levy A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start." The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke." The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..." The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?" "I'm sorry, your Eminence. I'll speak slower." Man's Three Rules When Getting Old - Never pass a bathroom, don't waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart. Beware date-rape drug : Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we have neither electricity nor computers, you are on the honour system. Please delete all of your files. We thank thee.
Frank and Ronald, a homosexual couple, had been spending a quiet evening at home. "Hey Ronald," Frank called out, "has the paper boy come yet?" "Not yet, but he's getting a glassy look in his eyes."
Mrs. Siegal went into Bergdorf-Goodman's,called over a salesman, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman. "Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at S. Klein's downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." "So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"
A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did. "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth. "Certainly." And it was done. "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?" "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a gas station on the corner."
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. - Victor Borge.
He who laughs, lasts. - Poole.
It’s that time again:I'm proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. But, I could be just as proud for half the money." -- Arthur Godfrey"Conscience is that still small voice that tells you the Internal Revenue Service may check your return." -- Author Unknown"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." --Albert Einstein"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -- Herman Wouk"If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers." --Groucho Marx"On my tax form it says 'Check this box if you are blind.'I put a check mark about three inches away." --Tom Lehrer"Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf." --Will RogersThe taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."--Attributed to Ronald Reagan"The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward." --Attributed to John Maynard Keynes"Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them!" --Margaret Mitchell
Learn a new word each day ................
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins and white bears see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Brought litigation against a government official

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first
Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way, "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree. The Redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says; "Your dog is in heat". The redneck cowboy answers; "No way the dogs in heat; he's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree". The policeman says; "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred". The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says; "No way the dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning". The policeman finally gets mad and says; "Look, your dog wants to have sex". The redneck cowboy looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog".

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?" Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!" The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?" And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!" And then the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?" And Little Johnny replied, "Fucking homework and tests!"

Personal Ads GlossaryWOMEN'S ADS40-ish............................ 49Adventurer...................... Slept with all your friendsAthletic.......................... No titsAverage looking.............. Has a face like a basset houndBeautiful........................ Pathological liarContagious Smile........... Does a lot of EcstasyEducated....................... Banged her Political Science professorEmotionally Secure........ MedicatedFeminist........................ Fat ball-busterFree spirit...................... JunkieFriendship first............... Trying to live down reputation as a slutFun............................... AnnoyingGentle........................... ComatoseGood Listener................ Borderline AutisticNew-Age.......... ............ All body hair, all the timeOld-fashioned................. Lights out, missionary position only, no BJsOpen-minded................. DesperateOutgoing....................... Loud and EmbarrassingPassionate.................... Sloppy drunkPoet............................. Depressive SchizophrenicProfessional................... Certified BitchRedhead........................ Bad dye-jobReubenesque................. Grossly FatRomantic....................... Looks better by candle lightSocial............................ Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvre trayVoluptuous..................... Very FatWeight proportion w/height..... Hugely FatWants Soul mate............ StalkerWidow........................... Drove first husband to shoot himselfYoung at heart................ Old bat
MEN'S ADS40-ish............................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-oldAthletic........................... Watches a lot of NASCARAverage looking............... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & backEducated........................ Will patronize the shit out of youFree Spirit....................... Banging your sisterFriendship first................. As long as friendship involves nookieFun................................ Good with a remote and a six packGood looking................... ArrogantVery good looking............ Dumb as a postHonest............................ Pathological LiarHuggable......................... Overweight, more body hair than a bearLikes to cuddle................. Insecure mama's boyMature............................ Older than your fatherOpen-minded................... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interestedPhysically fit.................... Does a lot of 12-ounce curlsPoet................................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stallSensitive.......................... Cries at chick flicksVery sensitive................... GaySpiritual........................... Got laid in a cemetery onceStable.............................. Arrested for stalking, but not convictedThoughtful........................ Says "Excuse me" when he farts
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it wasappropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?" The dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?" "Yes, sure I do," responded the player. "Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards.So you see, you should tip me." "Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, here's the big difference: The waiter gives me what I ask for. So serve me up an eight and you're in the dough, big fella."
Porn mag king Bob Guccioni has admitted he is facing financial ruin because of losses from his magazine, Penthouse. Not the first time he's faced a big bust. He may have to sell his New York house and his art collection, which features works by Picasso, Degas and Renoir, to pay his debts. Not only that, he had to have all twelve Penthouse Pets put down.
A salesman was driving down a muddy gravel road in a pouring rain when he lost control and slid into the ditch. He walked to the nearest farmhouse and banged on the door but no one answered so he banged on the door again and still no one answered. He walked around the side of the house and looked in the kitchen window and saw a man and a woman both stark naked. She was pulling on her tits and he was holding an umbrella and whacking on his dick. This was just to weird for him so he walked to the next nearest farmhouse and asked the farmer there if he could use his phone to call a tow truck as he had slid in the ditch a half mile down the road. The farmer said yea sure, but why didn't you stop at the farmhouse right near where you slid into the ditch. The salesman explained that he had seen the naked woman pulling on her tits and the naked man holding an umbrella and whacking on his dick and decided they were too perverted. Oh, said the farmer, that's just the Jones's. They’re deaf and dumb. She was telling him ‘Go milk the cows’, and he was telling her ‘Fuck you it's raining’.

Musings:
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Clones are people, two.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Microbiology Lab - Staph Only!
Eschew obfuscation.
Rap is to music what EtchaSketch is to art.
186,000 miles/sec (300,OOOkm/sec) Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.

What do you call an incestuous nephew? An aunt-eater

Three blondes sneak out of a light security detention centre hoping to escape. The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!" The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!" When they get outside the third says, "Darn, we’ll have to go back to our rooms - there is no fence."
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort with a one-dollar special. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf for a buck. He goes for dinner that evening for another buck. He revels in the thought that his room is only a buck a night! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: two times $1.00. Dinner: two times $1.00. Room: two times $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00" He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot overtime, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly. "Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
"What is the difference," a woman asked a keeper during a visit to the Zoo, "between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine ?" "The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied, "is that the North American species has a longer prick." The woman fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her. "I apologize for my staff Miss." he said. "It was an unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American porcupine has a longer quill. "Their pricks are exactly the same size."
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. At this point, several of the children giggle."I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company". "That's true," says the pilot, "but these nazi fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and a number of former White House officials will participate in a special"West Wing" episode. They wanted to show three people less believable as a president than Martin Sheen.A special "West Wing" episode airing later this month will feature a member of the Bush Administration. Karl Rove, oneof President George W. Bush's senior advisors, is interviewed for the special about how the real White House functions versus the fictional White House of the hit TV series. One features bad acting, people fighting for screen time, melodramatic behind-the-scenes plots - and the other is a TV show. Pamela Anderson is now engaged to bad-boy musician Kid Rock. The 34-year-old actress, star of the campy hit "V.I.P.,"said "yes" when boyfriend Bob Ritchie - Kid Rock's real name - proposed Thursday night outdoors in the Las Vegas desert. No wedding date was set. But the honeymoon porno video will be released in July. A protesting tree sitter in Oregon's Mount Hood National Forest fell 150 feet to the ground, was badly injured and died before rescue crews could reach the remote site. The timber sale she apparently was protesting had been canceled three days before her death, and the protesters expected to leave the area within a week. Beth O'Brien, 22, of Portland, hadunhooked herself from one platform and was trying to reach another by a rope ladder when she fell...When a tree sitter falls in the forest, does she make a noise?
The positive side of life:Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside of us. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Actor Robert Blake and his bodyguard were arrested last Thursday in connection with the shooting death of Blake's wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, nearly a year ago. Started out as a Little Rascal, and ended up a Big One. Blake's high-powered attorney, Harland Braun told The Hollywood Reporter that he wants cameras banned from the courtroom during his client's murder trial. Blake says if they do allow TV cameras, he wants his own trailer, a personal hairstylist and a mini bar. The pilot of an American F-16 bombed Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan believing they were enemy forces firing on him,defense officials said Thursday. Four Canadians were killed and eight wounded. If war between the US and Canada breaks out - does that mean the US draft dodgers will have to go hide in Viet Nam? Linda Boreman, who starred as Linda Lovelace in the 1972 pornographic film ``Deep Throat'' and later became ananti-porn advocate, died Monday from injuries she suffered in a car crash...A head-on collision, no doubt. There’s a rumour going around that she may be buried 10 inches down.
True New Zealand Statistics:
2 people died over the last two years by testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
38 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
8 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in.
6 people have been seriously injured in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken-parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
12 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new clothes with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 143 people were admitted to emergency rooms in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control remote control cars.
And finally, 9 people cracked their skull in 1999 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.

Oldie, but good enough to repeat!
You couldn't make these up if you tried. Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have alarge and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton,Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com3. Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
But at No 1, it had to be...1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) – beeranbj@myplace.com

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: ‘Wash. Biol. Surv.’ until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:”Dear Sirs:While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."The bands are now marked ‘Fish and Wildlife Service’.

More T-shirts
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam.My Dog Can Lick Anyone.STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thinks he’s God and I disagree.

A tourist comes to New York. He goes up to a man on the street and says, "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me what time it is, or should I just go fuck myself?"

What do you get when you cross a painter with a New York City cab driver? You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners:
Third place:There once was a gal named LewinskyWho played on a flute like Stravinsky'Twas "Hail to the Chief"On this flute made of beefThat stole the front page from Kaczynski. Second place:Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. LewinskyWe don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,Since you look such a mess,Use the hem of your dressAnd wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. And the winning entry:Lewinsky and Clinton have shownWhat Kaczynski must surely have known:That an intern is betterThan a bomb in a letterGiven the choice of how to be blown.

Some unanswered Dear Abby letters:
Dear Abby,A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share the expense with me, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear AbbyI suspected my husband was fooling around so one day I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
This one bears repeating:
Some new "God Speaks" billboards are getting attention in Detroit. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. Here's the list
Tell the kids I love them -God Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, now invite me into the marriage. -God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God Follow me. -God Big bang theory?... You've got to be kidding!!! -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? -God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There'll be a test. -God Do you have any idea where you're going? -God Don't make me come down there!!! -God
The new bride was a bit embarrassed to be identified as a honeymooner. So when she and her new husband pulled up at the hotel, she asked him if there was any way they could make it appear they'd been married a long time. "Sure," he said gleefully. "You carry the suitcases."
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up. He said, I am going to give this to one of you, but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the bill up. He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied what if I do this? He dropped it on the ground, and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Now, who still wants it? Still hands went into the air. He said, my friends, you all have learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it, because, it did not decrease in value. It was still worth 20 dollars. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel that we are worthless, but, no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do, or whom we know, but by who we are. You are special. Don't ever forget it! Pass this thought on to those you care about. You will never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Always count your blessings, not your problems.

95% of all people have hemorrhoids. The other 5% are perfect assholes!

Facts you don't want to know about the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission):
If you are a regular traveler on the TTC here are some facts, which you are going to wish you hadn't read:
During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University of Toronto removed a row of passenger seats from a Bloor Line subway car for analysis into cleanliness. Despite TTC's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
* 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
* 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
* Vomit originating from at least 9 separate people.
* Human urine originating from at least 4 separate people.
* Human excrement.
* Rodent excrement.
* Human semen.
When the seats were taken apart, they found:
* The remains of 6 mice.
* The remains of 2 large rats.
* 1 previously unheard of fungus.
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the TTC. It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a TTC seat before eating. It is estimated that, within Toronto, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst traveling on the TTC than for any other reason (including alcohol)


You know you’re from Toronto when...
1. You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented by the S&M crowd (Scarborough and Mississauga)
2. A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
3. You can recommend about 3 good body-piercing parlours.
4. You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.
5. Your considered tough because you're able to walk through Chinatown in the summer without holding your breath.
6. You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian Flags.
7. When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell "Woohooo! Patio weather!"
8. You enjoy watching cable pulse 24, because it really does give you everything.
9. You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every episode of Speaker's Corner.
10. You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.
11. You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
12. You've partied with at least one of the members of The Kids in the Hall.
14. At least 3 of your friends have moved to out west.
15. You never, never, never swim in the lake.
16. You know it’s really called "The Beach", but still say The Beaches" just to annoy all the yuppie nitwits who live there.
17. You ever had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder or The Mad-Hatter.
18. You can say "world's tallest freestanding structure" with pride.
19. You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?" is "The Don River".
20. You speak better Chinese than French.
21. The word "Cabbagetown" doesn't strike you as particularly amusing.
22. Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of the universe for you.
23. You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for.
24. You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection of being there in a past life.
25. Even if you won't admit, you love the Leafs, especially when they beat Montreal.
26.You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry, Pad Thai and a dildo at 3 am on any weeknight.
27. For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!
28. You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.
29. It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the envy of all your friends.
30. You mourned the death of the Spadina bus.
31. You laugh heartily at people who refer to highway four hundred and one.
33. You can maneuver your bike across Queen St. without getting caught in the streetcar tracks.
34. You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakopita.
35. You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that are open till 11 PM.
36. You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe.
37. You know someone who went to High School with at least one member of The Barenaked Ladies or Rush.
38. You will always refer to them as Scarbough, East York, Etobicoke, North York and Toronto even after all that amalgamation shit.
39. You maintain a high level of respect and admiration for that guy who does all the voice-overs for CityTV.

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course." There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved.

NEWS FLASH U. N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East. In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be
the moyel.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "having children is an act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, "snow and rain are also acts of God, and when we to get too much, we wear rubbers."

I told her that she was like a fine wine...And I am like a corkscrew!
WOMEN'S ENGLISHYes = No.No = Yes.Maybe = No.I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.We need = I want.It's your decision = The right decision should be obvious by now.Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.We need to talk = I need to complain.Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.How much do you love me? = I did something you're going to hate.You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

Another repeat, but it’s still a good chuckle:
Jean Chretien is making an official state visit to Moose Jaw. All the locals are quite excited to have the Prime Minister come to their town for the first time ever, and they've prepared quite a welcome for him. When he steps off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see the P.M., while dressed otherwise quite normally, looking especially resplendent in a magnificent fox hat -- like a Daniel Boone coonskin, only made of fox. The cameras are clicking away as he steps off the plane. After the official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a private moment with the P.M. away from the cameras and onlookers, he finally unleashes his curiosity. "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask. I have never seen you wearing this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you chose to wear it to our humble town?"
The P.M. replies: "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple, you see. When I am leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I says to my wife, Aline, I say, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time today! Do you tank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honourable of dis inaugural visit?' And Aline, my wife, she said to me: 'Moose Jaw? Ware da fock's 'at?
"If the Passover Story Were Reported by The New York Times or CNN" by Daniel P. WaxmanThe cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness. Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me." While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of ever society." Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac. Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery are not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone to far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro. The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues." The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
A Catholic priest was bragging to his rabbi friend that his church had recently accepted its first blind altar boy. He said the boy was able to perform his tasks flawlessly with the assistance of his guide dog, a specially trained cocker spaniel. When the rabbi asked if it was proper to have a dog in church, the priest replied, "Of course it's all right! Have you never heard of an altar cocker?"
WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES:Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.

Doctors’ comments interpreted:
- "This should be taken care of right away." - I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.- "Well, what have we here..." - As he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the doctor’s hoping you will give him a clue.- "We'll see." - First I have to check my malpractice insurance.- "Let me check your medical history." - I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.- "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." - I need money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.- "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." - I hate those guys horning in on our fees.
- "Let's see how it develops." - Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
- "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." - Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists say this a lot, right after they say, No nurse, I don’t want a beer – I said bring me a butt light!)- "We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it. (Or – The good news is I’m shtupping that hot nurse out there with the big bazooms, and the bad news is your dick is about to fall off.)
These two Newfies were making their way across the desert when their camel ran out of water. Without the camel, they knew they would never make it out of the desert alive. They looked around and discovered that they were only a few hundred yards from an oasis but also discovered that they had nothing to carry water in. So they decided to drag the camel to the water. By the time they got him there, the camel was much too weak to drink. The only solution they could come up with was one would have to hold the camels head in the water and the other would have to suck on it's ass. Neither wanted the job of ass-sucking so they flipped a coin to see who would suck on the camels ass to fill him with water. After the toss the winner positioned the camel's head and the other took his position at the rear. After a few minutes the one at the rear raises his head up, spits and said, "Hey, you've got his head in to deep, all I'm getting is mud!"
Words of wisdom:- "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." -- W. C. Fields- "I do not mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it's a language I don't understand." - Sir Edward Appleton- "It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him." - Helen Rowland- "There are more old drunkards than old physicians." - Francois Rabelais- "I have abandoned my search for truth and now I am in search of a good fantasy." ~ Ashley Brilliant- "Make a bet every day, otherwise you might walk around lucky and never know it." - Jimmy Jones- "In a conversation, keep in mind that you are more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is."- Andy Rooney
A British composer is planning a "New Ring Cycle" – a symphony composed from the ringing tones of 30 mobile phones. Composer Simon Turner and writer Marcus Moore are to give "SIM-phone-ya" its world premiere at a music festival in July. They plan to invite 30 mobile phone owners to play the ring tones in the as yet unwritten piece. This must be the only symphony where they DON'T ask you to turn off all cell phones and pagers before the curtain.

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help. Thank goodness it didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

A Swiss man walks into an American Restaurant and says, “Bring me a bloody steak.” The waiter says, "Would you care for some fucking potatoes with that, sir?"

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife. "Is he a good husband? ""No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He doesn't help around the house, he's not good with the kids, and never had a steady job." "It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

Girls require time and money. Girls = Time X Money
We all know time is money. Time = MoneyTherefore: Girls = Money X Money = (Money)2
Because money is the root of all evil Money = Square root of Evil
Therefore: Girls = (Square root of Evil)2
We are forced to conclude that Girls = Evil

A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break it into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single Record company in the country, and no-one seems to recognize his unique genius other than his Mum.
So he decides to top himself, and dreams up an ingenious plan to get back on all the institutions who had rejected him all his life. He goes into a Recording Studio and tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the Record Execs in the country. He goes into the Vocal Booth, the Red light goes on, and
he begins; "This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul- touching music, and all you wankers do is bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it!!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!" With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the Studio wall. The sound engineer glanced up and said, "...yep,..okay - that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

"Because I like doing things to help people and because people don't wear their seat belts any more I figure I'll make fuzzy clothes and make seats out of Velcro." -- Andy Andrews

Anybody like to abuse rental cars? If I'm really bored I'll take one to Earl Scheib and have it painted a different color for $29.95. This really messes up their paperwork for months and months. The thing that bugs the shit out of most people is when you have to return one with a full tank. They say bring it back full, so I just top if off with a garden hose.

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

What’s the definition of a good friend? A guy who gets two blow jobs in town and comes back and gives you one.

You know what Michael Jackson’s gonna get if he molests one more little boy? His own parish!

A fellow browsing in a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. He sees a monkey priced at $5000 so he said to the shopkeeper, "That’s a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The fellow sees another monkey for $10,000 and asks, ”What does it do?” “Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The fellow then sees a third monkey for $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body - how would you like to go to the six o'clock class for vigorous toning?" And as a clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, fatty ....do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

One evening Angus McLeod and his mates were having a wee dram at the local pub and they decided to have a contest as to who could make the best toast. Angus hoisted his dram and said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?" Angus replied, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!" Oh, that is very nice indeed, Angus!" Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of Angus's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know that Angus won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?" She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" Epitaphs
- Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942, Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. - In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, All dressed up, And no place to go. - On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, N. S.: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.The Good Die Young. - In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid, But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 - In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. - In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me, For not rising. - In a Uniontown, Pa., cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas, Instead of the brake. - In a Silver City, Nv cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. - A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. - John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art, In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny. - In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle, Went out of tune. - Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go. - On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God. - In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning. Ted: She drives fast? Bob: No, she hits trees!
A mother and daughter are sitting in church when the little girl says, “Mommy, I’m going to throw up!” The mother tells her to slip outside and do it in the bushes. When she returns, her mother says, “That was quick.” The daughter says, “I didn’t have to go outside after all. They have a box at the back that says, FOR THE SICK!”
9 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:"How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.7. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND10. Cats' facial expressions.9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.7. Fat clothes.6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3. Eyelash curlers.2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.AND, the Number One thing only women understand:OTHER WOMEN !!!Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are to be guests on "The Simpsons". Creator Matt Groening told BBC Radio that the Rolling Stones legends will join a host of music veterans in a forthcoming episode of the animated show. Good news for the animators - they'll be easy to draw - they already have bulging eyes, jagged teeth and yellow skin. Human remains found inside a large shark caught off Australia's east coast have been identified as those of a fisherman swept out to sea from rocks three weeks ago. Police opened missing-persons and unsolved-homicide files after four game fishermen made the gruesome discovery of a human skull, pelvis and arm inside a 811-pound tiger shark they caught on Sunday. Dental records showed the remains belonged to 52-year-old Sydney man Lee Kang Suk, who was washed into the sea while fishing from rocks near Port Kembla, 68 miles south of Sydney, on April 2. That Suks! Ironically his last words were, "What are they biting on?" For you aspiring literary creative genii out there, here’s how not to do it:
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. --Joseph Romm, Washington
- She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. --Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. --Russell Beland, Springfield
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. --Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30. --Roy Ashley, Washington
- Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
- Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. --Russell Beland, Springfield
- Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T: \flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. --Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. --Unknown
- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. --Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.-Gary Hevel, Silver Spring
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. --Jennifer Hart, Arlington
- The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. --Wayne Goode, Madison, AL
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. --Paul Kocak, Syracuse NY
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. --Russell Beland, Springfield
- The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. --Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. --Unknown
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy, are you the front end of an ass?" "No," replies little Johnny. "Are you the rear end of an ass?" "No," replies little Johnny again. "In that case," says the clown, "you must be no end of an ass." Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, "Little Johnny, don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out." At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy, are you the front end of an ass?" Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice, "Fuck off you Red-nosed Cunt!"
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation, that is.
Childless women may get turned on by the scent of another woman breast-feeding. Scientists in Chicago asked young nursing mothers to wear pads in their bras and under their armpits. Other women who then sniffed them reported increased sexual desire. The new pickup line in the bar -"Got Milk?"There three t-shirts on display in the window of a T-shirt store. The first has picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it says: GOT MILK? The second has a picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it says: FORGOT MILK. The third was a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and it says: NOT MILK!
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six!" he said.
20 Types of Farters:
SHY: Those who let out silent ones.
CLEVER: Those who fart & cough at the same time.
MISERABLE: Those who cannot fart.
DISAPPOINTED: Those whose farts don't emit an odor.
DISHONEST: They who fart & then blame the dog.
MEAN: Those who fart in bed & shake the covers over their spouse.
VAIN: Those who love the smell of their own farts.
AMIABLE: Those who love the smell of others farts.
STRATEGIC: Those who fart & cough at the same time.
ACUTE: Those whose fart smells indicate their recent diet.
CONFIDENT: Those who let out really loud farts.
SCIENTIFIC: Those who bottle their own farts.
NERVOUS: Those who stop in mid fart.
HONEST: Those who confess to the fart.
FOOLISH: Those who keep their farts inside.
UNFORTUNATE: Those who start to fart but poop instead.
INSECURE: Those who compare their fart qualities to others.
JEALOUS: Those who claim the farts of others.
PROMPT: They who always have a fart ready.
FARTER'S FARTER: He whose farts clear moving vehicles.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Two lawyers, Jon and David, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers David a $50 bet. David agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, David is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, David secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces. ''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?'' ''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!'' ''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and they hired the best high class English butler from London. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovels full later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbours! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Also, the donkey kicked the crap out of the guy that tried to bury him. Which brings me to another moral for this story: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness, when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present." People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.

Joe goes to the doctor with a big huge pimple in the middle of his forehead that won't go away. The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead, but don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely." Joe says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN? Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!" The doc says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane. The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem. Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight ... please, please, tella me this true!" Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says .... "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"

Doctor, Doctor:
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball." "Well get to the back of the queue."
"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." "Pull yourself together."
"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards." "Please wait a minute and I'll deal with you."
"Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera." "We'll just have to wait and see what develops."
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock." "OK, just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up."
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a garbage can." "Now you're just talking rubbish."
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog." "Sit down and tell me all about it." "I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."
“Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory." "When did this happen?" "When did what happen?"
"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes." "Have you seen a Doctor before?" "No, just little black spots."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet, I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically." The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks Funny!
Do you know how to make pickled bread? Use dildo!The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.

You may be a redneck if….
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick and your car keys as ear cleaners.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've been too drunk to fish and Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!"
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat-traps as gifts.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Why Sleep is Better Than Sex:
10. You don’t feel guilty about doing it alone.
9. No one starts rumours about how much you sleep
8. You don’t feel like a total loser if you don’t get any.
7. You don’t have to pay for sleep.
6. You don’t need to sleep after sleep.
5. You can easily sleep for eight hours straight.
4. You can sleep in church.
3. Nobody complains about your size or form.
2. It’s legal to sleep in any position in all 50 States and most of Canada.
1. When you’re asleep you can have sex with anyone you want!

More Bumper Stickers- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"- The proctologist called, they found your head.- Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.- Hang up and drive.- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!-Heart Attacks. God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.- Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
What do you call a jar full of buzzing bees? An Amish vibrator.
Iraq is stopping oil exports for a month unless Israel withdraws from the West Bank. In a similar move, Italy is stopping olive oil exports for a month unless American priests withdraw from little boys.
(To a blonde) What form of birth control do you use? Brown hair-dye.

Why is a blonde like a turtle? They’re both fucked when they're on their backs.
I know, this one's hard to believe, but apparently it's TRUE!Last week, Texan Steve Huey, despondent over being diagnosed with an inoperable, fatal brain tumor, attempted to take the dignified way out by putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. He was soon discovered by friends, lying in a pool of his own blood, but still alive. An ambulance was called and Huey was rushed to hospital where he made an astonishingly speedy recovery. Soon afterwards, an x-ray showed that his deadly tumor had been sucked right out of his head, having vented through the exit wound created by the hot lead projectile... and according to friends and family he's barely any dumber than he was before shooting himself in the brains! Doctors say the chances of ridding one's self of a brain tumor by shooting one's self in the head - and surviving - are two hundred and fifty-four million to one, against.

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend. "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement!"

A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "Hey you can't bring that pig into the bar." The woman says, "It's not a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected.

What's the difference between spandex hot pants and the TV show Cops? One lets you see lots of great Swat Teams.

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test too?"

An asteroid hits the speakers platform at a Seattle conference center, and Al Gore, George W. Bush and Bill Gates all arrive in heaven at the same time. They are greeted by the Almighty, who is sitting on his golden throne. First, the Lord speaks to Gore, asking what he believes in. "I believe in the Internet and a clean environment," Gore replies. "Very good," the Almighty says. "Come sit near me." Then he asks George W. Bush the same question. "I believe in cutting taxes and taking good care of the military," Bush replies. "Excellent," says the Almighty. "Come sit near me." Then he asks Bill Gates what he believes. "I believe," Gates replies, "you're sitting in my chair."

SURGERY NOTICE:
Please be advised that you have been scheduled for an OPTORECTOMY procedure. The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your eyes and hopefully alleviate your shitty outlook on life.

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from. "Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not the new and improved Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.-- David Letterman

I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed an attendant to feed and water the cattle during the journey. This is the story of such a cowboy: Following the unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order. "I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here." Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."
More Rodneyisms:- "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."- "I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."- With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.- "Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."- "One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control." Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late,... and lying about it. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
Driving on one of my trips, I decide to make a quick stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. As I go in the washroom the first stall is taken so I go into the second stall. As I sit down I hear a voice from the next stall. "Hi there, how is it going?" I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road, but I didn't know what to do and finally I say: "Not bad." The voice says: "So, what are you doing?" Talk about your dumb questions. I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back east." Then I hear the person say - in a flustered tone: "Look I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall answers me!"
WORRY: The first time you can't get an erection the second time. PANIC: The second time you can't get an erection the first time.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help!
If you are too poor to pay attention, opt for the installment plan.
People would not worry so much about what other people think about them if they only knew how seldom they do.Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."- Mario Andretti "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." - Oscar Wilde "Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."- George Eliot
An older Jewish man on the operating table awaiting surgery insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember that if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife!"

There was a young gypsy girl RoseWith obsessions for gentlemens' hoseUp her pussy, her rearIn her mouth and each earAnd her cute little freckle-tipped nose There once was a man from MonclairWho screwed his wife on the stairThe banister brokeHe quickened his strokeAnd finished her off in the air There was an old man from CalcutterWho greased up his asshole with butterAnd instead of the roarWe heard there beforeCame a soft oleaginous mutter There was a young man from St. RoseWhose love life was so full of woesHe loved sixty-nineHe'd do it all the timeBut always got shit on his nose There once was a man named EugeneWho invented a screwing machineConcave and convexIt served either sexAnd it played with itself in between I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully pronounced each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
A woman attending a little league soccer game noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids were enjoying the game at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."
If you are Jewish, or an aspiring Jew or married into a Jewish family, or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take (or give) this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function:
1. There are no Jews living in: a) sin b) El Paso c) trailer parks
2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to: a) do windows b) make latkes c) attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings.
3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a) gentle b) housebroken c) stuffed
4. Jews spend their vacations: a) sightseeing b) sunbathing c) discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next.
5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: a) up on the newest style b) entitled to free haircuts c) not Jewish
6. Wilderness means: a) no running water b) no electricity c) no hot and sour soup
7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a) jogging b) tennis c) laughing at the neighbors lawn ornaments
8. Jews never drive: a) unsafely b) on Saturdays c) eighteen wheelers
9. A Jewish skydiver is: a) careful b) insured c) a figment of your imagination
10. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to: a) become a prostitute b) deface a synagogue c) remove the back of a TV set
11. Jews never sing: a) off-key b) "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu" c) around a piano bar
12. Jews are ambivalent about: a) vegetarianism b) Jesse Jackson c) Absolutely nothing
Scoring:
1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c"
32-36 points: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York.
28-31 points: You're barely involved in your faith or you're a Shiksa getting Jewish by injection!
24-27 points: Most likely you eat Sunday brunch at a good Jewish deli a few times a year plus attended a couple Jewish weddings and / or Bar / Bat Mitzvahs in your time.
20-23 points: You must be working for someone Jewish, are in the schmatta business or in "the biz."
19 and below: The Pope knows more about being a good Jew than you do!

When he was on spring break in Cancun, a University of Alabama football player met an attractive female student from an Ivy League school at one of the get-acquainted parties. "Where do y'all go to school?" the Alabama athlete drawled. "Yale," she replied. So the football player took a deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"

I wonder if Anita Bryant would approve? In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers.

It took many hours, but they removed ALL of Tammy Faye Baker's make up, and do you know what they found?
Jimmy Hoffa!

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

A farmer had a farm with a large pond in the back forty with a sandy beach. One evening as he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinnydipping. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The farmer replied, "Don’t you pay me no never mind, ladies, I just came down here to feed my alligators!"

Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle: Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the fucking box all day! Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off. 23 power cords, 1 outlet. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

What's the first symptom of AIDs? A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass.
What should you do if a pretty girl sits down on your hand? Try to get her off!
What do you call 250 Indian women without nipples? The Indian nipple-less 500.
What do jelly beans do that men cannot? Come in different colors.
How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
The patient was being prepped for the operation. Suddenly there was a high-pitched scream. The doctor looked over and barked, "Nurse, I said remove his spectacles!"

Bob: "I just got a fucking speeding ticket" Tim: "Wow! How fast were you fucking?"
Everyone knows that the Dove symbolizes peace. Many people are also aware that the Owl symbolizes wisdom and knowledge. But were you aware that the bird that symbolizes True love is the Swallow?
"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons." "Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo." "I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted. "I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."
There once was the plumber from Leigh,Was plumbing his maid by the sea.Said the maid: stop plumbing,I hear someone coming.Said the plumber, still plumbing, its me.
What's stiff and excites women? Elvis Presley
What's the bestialitist's motto? In dogs we thrust.
Did you hear about the two gay judges who tried each other?
Did you hear the one about the man with five dicks? He looked a little weird but his pants fit like a glove.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? - I'd have to say it was the rooster!
What do you call a female police office who shaves her pussy? Cuntstubble.
What do you see when the Pillsbury doughboy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces
Did you hear Oprah was arrested for drugs at the airport? They scanned her dress and found 40 pounds of crack.
What gets stiff after only a couple of strokes? Princess Margaret!

A man walks into a bar, and after a while picks up a girl. They go back to his place and start a bit of foreplay. But the guy stops and says," Listen give me a 68." Bemused the girl says, "What’s a 68?" He says, "Give me a blow job and I'll owe you one!"

The 3 biggest lies a cowboy tells. This here truck is paid for. I won this belt buckle at the rodeo. Honest officer, I was just helpin' that sheep over the fence.

A man walks past an outhouse and hears someone call out, "HELP!" So he walks inside the outhouse, looks into the hole and sees an Indian there. He says, "How long have you been down there?" The Indian replied, "Me not sure but many moons have passed.”

Two gay guys are walking along the beach one day when they discover a lamp washed up on shore. They pick it up and rub it and a genie appears. "Wow, can we have 3 wishes?", one of them exclaimed. The genie frowns and says, "I have been in this lamp for 400 years and I am not happy. I will grant you one and only one wish." The two gay guys talk it over and finally they ask, "We can’t agree on a wish right now, can we wait and ask for our wish later?". The genie agrees and goes back into the lamp. Two weeks later our gay companions are sitting in the living room watching a late night movie and they hear a lot of commotion outside. They look outside and there in their front yard are 20 Klu Klux Klan members holding torches, burning a cross and stringing up a rope in a tree. One of the guys says, "Oh my god, Bruce! We've got to do something! Quick, get the lamp and let's make our wish to get us out of this!" Bruce says, "It's too late. I already made a wish." "You did? You never talked to me about it! What did you wish for?," Bruce says, "I wished that we were both hung like black guys."

Toys by Religion
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours
Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonism - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.

If The Twelve Apostles Had Been Gay
1) The 'Sermon on the Mount' would be a musical
2) Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day
3) Priests would get married ... wait a minute ... never mind
4) The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce
5) Mary's hair would be FLAWLESS
6) The Temple would not have been cleansed of moneychangers, just re-decorated
7) The water at the Wedding Feast of Canna would have turned into dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for color
8) The Triumphal Entry just SCREAMS for a drag number
9) Replace the 'Beatitudes' with "Fabulous are they..."
10) The Last Supper would have been a brunch with spritzers.

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned, "Gramps, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal. "Later on that afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Gramps, are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!" Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get dinner in a nearby town. Before leaving, he had to take a piss, but his Grandfather's dog was in his way, drinking out of the toilet." "Gramps," the man called out, "Your dog won't let me take a piss!" From the living room, grandfather called out: "Coldwater, get your ass out of the bathroom!"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

You know you’re an E-mail junkie when….
1)You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."
3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems
8)You start using smilies in snail mail.
9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.
10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13) Your cat has its own home page.
14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
15)You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.
16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages." So you check it again.
17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
19) You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"
20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer before your wife gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office and says, "Sister, I want to show you something." "What is it, Father? "Come into my private room and close the blinds." She says, "Father! I just can't believe you're saying that!" He says "Well, I really need you to come in." So the nun does as she is told. He says, "Here, sit on the bed beside me." She says, "I don’t think I should be doing this." He says, "Aren't you the least bit curious?" Well, the nun was, so she sat down beside him. He says, "Get under the covers. She say, “Are you sure , Father? "It doesn't work otherwise!" says the priest. After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him. "Come closer," whispers the priest. Nervously, she does get closer. "See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glows in the dark!!!!"

New Financial Definitions
With the Enron and Worldcom fiascos, they've done a bit of research and discovered that in these companies (and a few others soon to be named) the usual titles and acronyms actually had the following translations:
EBITDA Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor
EBIT Earnings before irregularities and tampering
CEO Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO Corporate Fraud Officer
NAV Normal Anderson valuation
EPS Eventual prison sentence

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT- Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense. "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso, "Right in front of my daughters. "Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter. This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell, 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!' they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning.""YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'" Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas, as they have already been indicted. So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7 because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls." While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event."
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle"
clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How Many Of These Do You Remember??
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
Ignition switches on the dashboard
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall
Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that]
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about!
The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers (in winter milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top - actually, it just made it easier to get the cream off the top)
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax (To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up)
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (TUxedo 2 - 2824) An actual phone number from when I was a kid living in Pittsburgh.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody (Princess Summerfallwinterspring was the name of the Indian Princess on the show)
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper (you could get high sniffing it)
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers (you couldn't tell if they were coming or going)
25. Wash tub wringers
26. When no stockings were available due to rationing during W.W.II, special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
27. Reaching decisions with 'Eeny-meeny-miney-mo'
28. Polio was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's (In beginning of August, swimming pools, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease)
29. Macaroni was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony.
30. Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco (and he sounds just as good today.)

If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 = You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age, 16-30 = You're older than dirt!
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot".

A psychologist, an engineer and a theologian were hunting when they stumbled upon a cabin where a potbellied stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling. The psychologist theorized, "The lonely trapper has elevated his stove so he can curl up underneath and feel the warmth as if he has returned to the womb." "No," said the engineer. "By elevating the stove, the man is simply distributing the heat more evenly in the cabin." "Actually, lifting up fire has been a religious symbol forcenturies," explained the theologian. Just then, the trapper returned, so the hunters asked him to explain. "Well, I had plenty of wire," the trapper said, "but not much stovepipe."

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 days? It said cook it for half an hour per pound; and she weighed 125 lbs.

A "coward" was originally a boy who took care of cows.

A man's perfect breakfast:He's sitting at the table ....
His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
His daughter is on the cover of Business Week
His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy
and his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

World War 2 Blunders - Jun 17, 2002
1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.
2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)
3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.
5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and
their loss rate go down.
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE...
7. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).
8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.
9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were
captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.
AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST...
11. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

How do you find out Dolly Parton's age? Count the Rings around her nipples.

An office manager was a little confused filling out forms so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Penn State University, so answer me this. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied: "Everything but my earrings".

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the
pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat
are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

If you stand in the bottom of a well, you will be able to see the stars even in the daytime.

Two guys are joking around and talking about about wrestling. Bob walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through his right armpit and his hand on Pete's neck. "What's this called?" Bob asks. "That's a half-nelson," Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head. "Very good, Petey," Bob replied. "Now, what's this?" He did the same exact thing to Pete's left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him. "That's a full-nelson," Pete said, trying to figure out where this was going. "Right!" Bob said. Then, remaining behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete's over by putting pressure on his neck, Bob bent Pete over and thrust his hips into his ass. "What's this?" Bob said. "I don't know," Pete admitted. Bob shouted, "It's a Father Nelson!"

A "sysygy" occurs when all the planets of our Solar System line up.

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon-day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, then nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition? "The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."

TIPS FOR TRAVELING IN ALABAMA!!
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fish bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all"is plural,and "Ally'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.
6. "Mama'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mama'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a "Hey, y'all- watch this", stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
12. Duct tape is not PART of every survival kit, it IS the kit.

Redneck Confession
I had one of those "baseball dreams" where I was standing in front of a large crowd, picking my ass, adjusting my nuts, and spitting thick, brown tobacco juice everywhere. Wait a minute! That WASN'T a dream,... it was the video tape of my wedding!

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Ms. Jones your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the candidate, "Ms. Jones has a big mouth."

Life is like a Shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? From the snoring. Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? "Nice dick!" What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as substitute meat. Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner. What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going! What are a woman's four favorite animals? A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bedroom, and an Ass to pay for it all.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? The chicken is out there!FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross the road but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist? It’s about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!Middle-aged Prayer
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

Stuart MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and moved into residence. After he had been there a month, his mother asked him. "And how do you find the English students, Stuart?" He replied, “Mother, you wouldna believe what terrible, noisy people they are. The one on the north side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the south side screams and screams all night." "Oh Stuart!,” replied the mother, “ How on earth do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, so far I’ve done nothing. I ignore them completely and go back to practicing on my bagpipes."

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples, who’d already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this. "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? For traction in the mud.

What’s the difference between purple and pink? The grip

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once!"

"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles!"

Two women ditch their husbands one weekend and get drunk and on the way back home through a cemetery just before dawn, they felt the urge to pee. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
A man walks into a bar with a zebra, they drink quite heavily and the zebra passes out onto the floor. As the man is about to stagger out the bartender yells at him, “Oy, you can't leave that lyin’ there.” On his way out the door the drunk man yells back, “That’s not a lion – it’s a zebra.”According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ucking fugly Neanderthal woman were.

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street to the consruction site and watch the carpenters work. Maybe you will learn something." Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied, "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home." When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learned today. When Martin told him the whole story, Dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

The Ages of Man:
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq….ruled by a dick. – but broken down as follows:
1Between the ages of 18 and 26 ... Tri-weekly.2. Between the ages of 27 and 46 ... Try, weekly.3. Over 47 ... Try, weakly.
The latest addition to my bonsai collection was very expensive and hard to keep. It's a bonsai sequoia. It’s thirty feet high!
Andy Rooney at his best:
Andy Rooney On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood". Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

At the sex research lab, the student said to the sex researcher, " In my case, when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it." So, the student volunteer stuck out his tongue....
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. Feeling like a bitter failure, it finally spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts, the pot said. The bearer said to the pot, Did you ever notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers for the house. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace my home.
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots, but it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall never be bent out of shape.
Thank you to all my crackpot friends.
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, the would-be loverboy said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear. She glanced down and said, "Nice design. Does it come in men's sizes?" Pat and Mike are sitting at the bar. Pat says, “You see that redhead? I feel like screwing her again." ", Mike say, "You mean you've been doing it with that hottie?" "No,” replies Pat, “I mean, I felt like it before, and I feel like it again." My blonde girlfriend flunked beauty school but they let her take a make-up exam.
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the decease blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to sue Bill Gates...okay?

Pity the poor persons whose first language is not English (and many who have been poorly educated in our not so great current educational system that undervalues literacy in general and proper spelling in particular) who try to cope with the vagaries of English spelling. In addition to simple homonyms such as "in" and "inn", "our" and "hour" "one" and "won" "sail" and "sale" there are the more complex such as "choir" and "quire", "gild" and "guild" "isle" and "aisle" (also "I'll") "need" and "knead" "reek" and "wreak" "use" and "ewes" "nose" and "knows".
To make matters more complicated some words are triple homonyms.
In the fruit and vegetable store do you shop for pairs, pares or pears?
Do prospectors search in vain for that vane that will point the way to the vein of gold?
Do you see a petal while you pedal your bike to the flea market in order to peddle it?
Have no praise for the priest who prays then preys.
When your Visa is due, do you rush out into the morning (mourning?) dew to pay it?
You will never see an ewe under a yew tree.
We all have the right to write about our own rite of passage.
Now to bedevil the poor speller even more, there are words that are pronounced differently but spelled the same.
The bandage was wound around the wound, which did not close because the sutures were not close enough.
Lead the plumber to his supply of lead.
If he does not row the boat properly a row will ensue.
A farmer will sow corn to feed his sow.
A violinist should allow his bow to take a bow.
If you ‘tear’ your best shirt does it bring a ‘tear’ to your eye?
And now for a quadruple homonym!
There are many who would be up in the ‘air’ and probably ‘err’, ‘ere’ they could spell ‘heir’.
To be continued for at least ‘two’ more times if it is not ‘too’ much trouble.
Happy spelling

When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes." Henry Miller

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein

Did you ever wonder why men’s clothes have the buttons on the right and women’s are on the left? When buttons were first used, they were very expensive and only the wealthy could afford them. Wealthy men dressed themselves, hence the buttons on the right for the right-handed majority. But, wealthy women had attendants to dress them and so the buttons were put on the left so they would be on the right for the dressers.

A blonde goes to the eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read lines of letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. She was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor took a paper sack, cut out a single hole, put it on her head so it covered the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters again.
As he did so, he noticed tears dripping from the bottom of the paper bag. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about needing glasses." "I know," cried the blonde, "But I had my heart set on wire frames."

Rosie O’Donnell’s last show was quite spectacular. One of the highlights was a film clip of Tom Cruise mowing Rosie’s lawn. Insiders have let it be known she would much prefer to have had Nicole Kidman trimming her bush!

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she asks the old guy how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" she replies. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, I’m sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hours and 37 minutes later
.
John the Lumberjack is working at the lumber mill pushing huge trees thru a buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." John says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, " What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? Its 2002. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers? John says, "How the hell was I supposed to pick them up?? "

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too...see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER JUST TO TELL ME THAT?!"

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

A couple got all dressed up to go out for the evening and when their cab came, the wife told her husband she would go out to the cab while he put the cat outside for the evening. After a considerable amount of time had elapsed, and not wanting a stranger to know the house would be empty, the wife told the cabbie that her husband had just gone upstairs to say goodnight to her mother. When the husband finally came out, by way of explanation he said, “ I’m sorry it took so long, but after I chased the stupid old thing around the bed, she crawled underneath it and it took me five minutes to get her out poking her with a stick and dragging her out by her legs.”

Two elderly ladies were having tea when one complained that she couldn’t get her husband to stop biting his nails. The other one said, My Harry used to do the same thing but I finally broke him of it.” “How?” asked her friend. “I hid his teeth!”
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, "Y'know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while ... it isn't so hot.I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'While playing a poker game, if you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is -- it's you.Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I've come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.There's a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre & inexplicable. There's another theory which states this has already happened.How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come in sooner."You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
How many software engineers does it take to change an inkjet cartridge? None. That's a hardware problem.

The Redneck Anthem (or ‘Daddy, how come our family tree ain’t got no branches?)
Many many years agoWhen I was twenty three,I got married to a widowWho was pretty as could be.This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.Because, although she is my wife,She is my grandma too.If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa.

Three little boys from the southern States were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it must be because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "I think we must be Pisscopalians."

This is a psychological test. Do not prematurely look at the answer. Here it goes...The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was. This guy happened to be her dream guy so she fell in love with him at once...A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her why she did that she gave a shocking answer...What is her motive in killing her sister?


Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up. This was a test by famous American psychologists used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.

A fellow walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist asks, "Do you have a prescription?" The fellow says, "No, but I can show you a picture of my wife."

In honour of World Cup Play - Stupid Things Said In The World Of Soccer:1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

Congrats to Sir Paul and Heather on their recent marriage! Apparently Paul rented a monster yacht for their honeymoon for something like $20,000 per day. It’ll probably all be worth it just to see Heather stumping about the main deck with a parrot on her shoulder!

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!"
The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path. A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!" An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me." "You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Well, he's not that friendly. It's just that you’re using his bowl."

Desperate for work, a man went to the owner of a local circus and asked is there were any openings. The owner told him that he needed a high-wire act, but that the job required walking without a net over the lion's pit while wearing a monkey suit. In no position to quibble, the man took the job, put on the suit and climbed to the high wire amid the stunned gasps of the crowd. Stepping gingerly on the thin cord, he began to shuffle his way across, but quickly lost his footing and tumbled into the lion's cage. "Help!" the man screamed as the lion pounced on him. "This beast is going to eat me!" "Shut up," the lion hissed. "You want to get us all fired?"

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!

ANIMAL THOUGHTS:
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and
over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue
patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: Tap-tap-tap "Oh boy! Fish flakes!!"
Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog: "Those fake stick throws are getting old, but I seem unable to control myself."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.INDIFFERENCE: A womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. "If they censure you, they tell you to cut it out. If they censor you, they just cut it out." - Andy Mabbett In case you didn’t know, blood is 6 times thicker than water.
Does this condom make me look fat? Why are roach clips called roach clips? Because "pot holder" was already taken. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie? You can eat your Mom's apple pie. Why do Southern guys go to family reunions? To meet chicks. What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob? You'll never hear a guy getting a BJ say "slow down, stop, BITE YOU COCKSUCKER!" You know what they say – When the chips are down… the buffalo must be empty!
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the very small print on the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've already had two warnings!"

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside completely plastered. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR:
"'Eagle'? I thought you said 'beagle.'"
"Boy, I hate it when I get hiccups."
"Hey, buddy, we ran out of red so I used pink."
"Two O's in 'Bob,' right?"
"I bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got all kinds of room back here."

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had
told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

If a blind person takes LSD, would they see things, or just think they see things?
If a fly doesn't have wings, is it called a walk?
Why are they called restrooms if you don't rest in them?
What do you say when God sneezes?
Do you ever wonder if fish feel wet?
Why is it called common sense if it isn't so common?
If you arrested a mime, would you tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Redneck Haiku
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been mowing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin

HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Damn Jeff Gordon

DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock

DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass

NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; the satellite dish
needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed

She had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful brown haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the Earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I get lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in. "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain." "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. "This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?" "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'" The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurture so that it will bloom into faith. "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing, Mom said. Then off they ran. We all
stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can
take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... So, don' forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories every day! To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. I hope you still take time to run through the rain. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it! I am going to run in the next rainfall, will you join me?

An old Cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy"? He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "Well I'm a lesbian.” He said, “Well what part of Lesbia are you from?” She replied, “ No you don’t understand. It’s not a nationality. It’s kind of hard to explain. Let me put it this way. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Why does a one-storey whore house make more money than a two-storey whore house? Because there is no fucking overhead!
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely not," was the preacher's answer. "Are you absolutely certain? "Yes, my son, absolutely." "Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. "How much is the yellow one?" he asks the assistant. The assistant says, "$2000, this parrot is a very special because it knows how to type." "What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows how to type and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." The man says, "What does HE do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

Here’s an oldie revisited with some new twists – some more Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Computer Programmer's Credo #73: Documentation is like sex: When it is good, it is VERY good and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing at all.

Ever Wonder . . .
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl, the bouncer is a blonde gal, I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter and the lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

It's 40° below zero one winters night in Alaska. Bob steps into the saloon, the wind howling through the door behind him, and orders a drink. The bartender says to him, "You owe quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Bob shaking the snow off his parka. "I'm broke this week." "That's OK," responds the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe right here on the wall." "But," says Bob, "I don't want my friends to see that." "They won't," replies the barkeeper. "I'll hang your parka over it until it's paid.
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got backin line for my card." "And?" asked the judge. "And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' …So I stabbed him!"

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were. So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guys room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

Princess Diana's death is arguably the peak of globalization. Here we have an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashing in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was pissed on Scotch whisky, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Hebrew Romanian, using Bill Gates’ technology which he stole from the Taiwanese.
Signs you may have missed:In a Veterinarian's Office: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"Parking Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers Only, all others will be neutered."In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." "Don't sleep with a drip."Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

TOP TEN PEOPLE (more or less)WHO WILL BE GLAD WHEN GLOBAL WARMING GETS REALLY NASTY!11. Jet Ski dealerships10. the Coppertone Sun Tan Lotion people9. Carnival Cruise-lines8. Sharks, gators and mosquitoes7. Scuba Divers (they'll get to visit tourist locations previously inaccessible to the scuba enthusiast… places like the Statue of Liberty and the Metropolitan Opera House)6. the e.coli bacterium5. Real-estate agents from the Midwest (who will henceforth be able to sell ocean-front property)4. Surfing enthusiasts3. Drunken ship captains (Mister Hazelwood, are you listening?)2. Guiseppe's Venetian Gondola Rentals1. the folks at Rand-McNally (where ever-changing coast-lines means the maps are never finished!)

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else?" I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "And the second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked."The third week," he said, "the fools jump."
Did you know that the wheat that produces a one-pound loaf of bread requires 2 tons of water to grow.
Dyslexics should try spell words wrong on purpose. That way at least they have a chance of spelling them correctly.

An elderly gentleman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives him the drink he says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me." As the man finishes his drink, the fellow to his right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old man says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water. "Coming up," says the bartender. As he finishes his drink, the man to his left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old man says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water." "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives him the third drink he says, "Sir, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old gentleman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, does that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Well, yeah, sometimes I do." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

What do you call a white man who falls off a boat in the middle of the Ocean? A saltine cracker!

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Why do people touch a 9-volt battery to their tongue to see if it's fresh??? That makes about as much sense as tasting your toilet paper to see if it's already been used!
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" ………………………….. "Baaaaa..."

"How To Identify Where A Driver Is From"
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cell phone,balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino,cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL:
12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scraper in hand out front window scraping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER WHEN....
You refer to your accountant as "that nice young man."
You have shoes older than your new assistant.
Your office nickname (formerly "Whiz Kid") is now "Den Mother."
You can recite the lyrics to "Stop in the Name of Love," but you can't remember your new area code.
You try to call your oldest child to dinner, but you run through everyone else's name (including several dwarfs) before you hit it.
The drive-thru attendant calls you "ma'am" before he even gets a look at you.
You now believe that Elvis died young.
You hear yourself say, "This too shall pass."
You also hear yourself say, "I used to know that."
You're on your third mid-life crisis.
You name your cats Gin and Seng.
Your crow's feet have blossomed into a world-class aviary.
You get tired just looking at the pregnant woman with the screaming toddler, behind you in line.
You look at that pregnant woman with the screaming toddler, smile broadly, and keep on walking!!

British engineers Jimmy Loizeau and James Auger have developed a cell phone that will fit comfortably inside a human tooth, leading inbred trailer park yokels everywhere to ask: "Where the Hell they gonna put MY cell-u-lar telly-ma-phone?! I only got the one good tooth, and she's already got a job op'nin bottles!" Though not yet available to the average consumer, Loizeau and Auger are confident their invention will be on the market before too long. One of the more intriguing aspects about this new technology, is that it is totally silent, generating sound waves directly through the jawbone and into your inner ear, so that only the listener can hear. This means, in theory, you could be sleeping with your wife while your girlfriend listens in and helps you maintain an erection by talking dirty to you! The Tooth Phone is only the first of what is expected to be a wide range of non-medical consumer devices, which will be implanted into the human body in the very near future. Next up? The Eyeball Camcorder, the Thumbnail Gameboy, and, a fan fave, the Vagina Change Purse! NEXT!!!

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

DEEP THOUGHTS
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax forms than it does to earn the income in the first place.
So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come the US Postal rates keep going up?
Hospitals still have private and semi-private accommodations. If you have an HMO though, semi-private means two to a bed.
Strange how people who don't even know their neighbours, are extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.

Did you hear about the game show contestant who mooned the camera? His ass was in Jeopardy!

What's the difference between a Wonderbra and France?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.
Q: What's the difference between a mini and Barthez's goal?
A: You can only fit 2 comfortably in the back of a mini.
Q: Why does Barthez sweat so much when he's excited?
A: Because he's a twat.
Q: What's the most expensive ticket on the black market in Japan?
A: The next flight from Tokyo to Charles de Gaulle.
Q: What's the difference between France's World Cup campaign and Garlic?
A: Garlic tends to linger.
Q: What's the difference between French Football and the Euro?
A: The whole of Europe is united in it's view on French Football

A guy walked into a Chinese bar, and asked the bartender for a Stoli with a twist. The Chinese bartender replied, "Rong, rong ago, Cinderella was a man..."

What do you get when you take LSD with the pill? A trip without the kids.

Why did Bob's wife want him to have a vasectomy done on New Year's Eve at exactly 12:00 Midnight? She wanted to watch the balls drop to bring in the New Year.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg? Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.

What do you never want to hear while having good sex? Honey, I'm home!

Dallas flight 111 was coming in for a landing when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight."Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"

An Australian, an American and an Irishman were taking a leisurely stroll across a nice, sloping bit of moorland. As they crested a rise, they saw a ewe, stuck fast in a low hedge that surrounded the field."Hi Hi!" said the Aussie. "I wish that was Kylie Minogue!" "Man!" said the Yank. "I wish that was Sharon Stone!" "Begorrah!" said the Irishman. "I wish it was dark outside!"
SIGNS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE SEENAt an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean toofar and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Whenever I feel blue…… I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
A young Orthodox Jewish couple got married, and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get
me and take me home. PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful. WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...words like...like Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..." "I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother. Jesus walks into a fancy French restaurant wearing sandals, and the Maitre d’ stops him and says," you can't come in here wearing sandals. What, were you born in a barn?"
Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown westward. A single coffee tree yields only one pound of roasted, ground coffee annually.
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
In honour of the Calgary Stampede now in full swing...How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"
The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines and a large trash can.

I'm so depressed ... My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

A teenager is just God's way of punishing you for enjoying sex.

Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low? - Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!

Mama Liberace hollered downstairs, "Libby, has that piano tuner come yet?" "No mama, but his eyes are getting glassy!"

"Since my divorce I've decided to have only platonic friendships. Its play for me and a tonic for them!

A definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

What do gay termites eat? Wood Peckers.

Mama cat was hissing at one of her kittens for arriving home very late, when the kitty said, "Can't I lead one of my own lives?!"

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG.............

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" --Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8

"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." -Age 13

"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out." -Age 6

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started." -Age 15

There are recent rumours that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things. There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to this tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night. Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor, "We don't want you to get too excited."

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

In Praise of Women:
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

A drunken man was wandering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." "So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. "Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

Herring is the most widely eaten fish in the world.

What is Jim Baker now preaching? Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

There were two nuns who had a bike and to make matters fair they would split up the amount of days each was aloud to use it. One day they were fighting, one nun said "It's my turn to have the bike, not yours", and the other one would say, "No it's not, it's my turn". So the Mother Superior came out after the two had been fighting for a while and said "If you two don't stop this fighting, I'm going to put the seat back on that bike and sell it"

Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.

Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her. Unruffled she took a look and said, "This you call a lining?"

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel said, "Speak up, I can’t hear you!” Ethel said, ”YOU’VE GOT A SUPPOSITORY IN YOUR EAR!” Ethel said, ”I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I remember where I put my hearing aid."

To: The Lord God Almighty a.k.a. Ha'shem, Allah, etc.
From: The Jews: a.k.a. The Chosen people
Subject: Termination of Contract/Special Status (Chosen People)
As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those many millennia of consideration, we, the Jews (The Chosen People) have decided that we really do not wish to renew. We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing, and, contrary to popular beliefs, we (the Jews) have not really benefited too much from this arrangement. If you go back to the early years of our arrangement, it definitely started off on the wrong footing. Not only were Israel and Judea invaded almost every year, but we went to enormous expense to erect not one but two Temples, and they were both destroyed. All we have left is a pile of old stones called the Western Wall (of course you know all this, but we feel it's a good thing to account for all the reasons we wish to terminate the contract). After the Hittites, Assyrians, Goliaths, etc, not only were we beaten up almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to Egypt, of all countries, and really lost a few hundred years of development. Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses to lead us out of Egypt, and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten with all those plagues. But, reflecting on those years, we are at a loss understand why it took almost forty years to make a trip that El Al now does in 75 minutes. Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, for years a lot of people have asked why Moses led us left instead of right at Sinai? If we had gone right, we would have had the oil! OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we really were up to our necks in dreck. While it's true that the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and baths, it was very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one of your friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all the world like a sign post. Even one of our princes, Judah Ben Hur, got caught up with Roman stuff and drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum. It's a funny thing but many people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to Moses...go figure. Then, of all things, one of our most up-and-coming carpenters...he did great work really cheap... declared himself "Son of You" (there was nothing said about this with Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or three times while this new goy (oops guy) really caught on! We were truly sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many others, but, and this will make you laugh, once again we were blamed. Now here's something we really don't understand: That guy Jesus Christ, one of ours and your own son, really came into his own. Millions of people revered and worshipped his name and scriptures...and still killed us by the millions. Claimed we drank the blood of new born infants, and controlled the world banks (Oy! if only that were so, we could have bought them all off), and operated the worlds' media and so on and so on. Are we beginning to make our point here? OK, so let's fast-forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Hoo boy! Again we were caught in the middle! They, the lords and knights, came from all over Europe to smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and center along with everyone else. Every time a king or a pope was down in the opinion polls, they called a crusade or holy war, and went on a killing rampage in our land. Today it's called Jihad. OK, so you tested us a little there, but then some bright cleric in Spain came up with the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but once again we and, we must admit, quite a few others were used as firewood for a whole new street lighting arrangement in major Spanish cities. All right, so that ended after about a hundred years or so...in the great scheme of things not a long time. But every time we settled down in one country or another..they kicked us out! So we wandered around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed. Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live in ghettoes...no Westchesters or Moscows for us. There we are in the ghettoes, when what do you know? The Russians come up with the pogroms. We all thought they made a spelling mistake and misspelled programs, but we were dead wrong (no pun intended). Apparently, when there was nothing else for them to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. the Chosen People, are you getting our drift?) was the in thing. Now comes some really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank you, in a small European country called Germany, when some house painter wrote a book, said a few things that caught on and became their leader...hoo boy! what a bad day that was for us...you know...your chosen people. We don't really know where you were in the earth years 1940 to 1945. We know everyone needs a break now and then...even Lord God Almighty's need some time off. But really...when we needed you most, you were never around. You are probably aware of this, but if you have forgotten, over six million of your chosen people, along with quite a few unchosen others, were murdered. They even made lamp shades out of our skins. Look, we don't want to dwell on the past, but it gets worse! Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back! Yes, After all these years, you arrange for us to go back...then all the Arab countries immediately declare war on us. We have to tell you that sometimes your sense of humor really eludes us. OK, so we win all the wars, but it's now 2002 and nothing's changed. We keep getting blown up, hijacked, and kidnapped. We have no peace whatsoever. Enough is enough. So, we hope that you understand that nothing's forever (except you of course) and we respectfully would like to pull out of our verbal agreement vis a vis being your chosen people. Look, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Let's be friends over the next few eons and see what happens. How about this? We're sure you recall that Abraham had a whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil). How about making them your chosen people for a few thousand years?
Respectfully yours, The Jews

Two Rabbis always said "Good Shabbos" to each other at shul Finally the younger of the Rabbi said to the older.. "What by you is a good Shabbos?" The older replied "By me, a good Shabbos is when I wake up, have a good breakfast, go to shul, the bar mitzvah bocher does a good job, my sermon is received well, we have a kiddush, I have a schnaps, go home to lunch, a nap, a little studying, and then say Havdalah. That to me is a good Shabbos. And what is a good Shabbos to you?" The younger Rabbi says, "I wake up, turn over and my wife and I make mad passionate love... I then get up shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife, walk to shul, do all the things you mentioned in shul, come home and my wife and I jump into bed and make mad passionate love. We have lunch, go back to bed, snuggle a little bit, go out for a walk hand in hand, come home, hop into bed and make mad passionate love. Wake up, I study a bit, and my wife and I snuggle and hold each other and kiss a lot, and sometimes we make mad passionate love. Then I make Havdalah. And that by me is a good Shabbos." "That is not a good Shabbos," says the older Rabbi. "That is a GREAT Shabbos."

Latest strategy being used to drive Taliban and Al Qaeda forces out of the mountains of Afghanistan is sending in a Redneck Special Forces team. Billy Bob, Bubba, and Cooter are being inserted and told five things:
1. The bag limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or women in tight jeans.
5. Some of them are gay.
That should just about do it.

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

"Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run"
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
2. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
3. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
4. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
5. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
6. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
7. GUESTS: Check human house guests carefully to detect who might have an allergy, the more allergic the house guest, the closer you should stay. This will shorten the stay of the allergic human house guest and your owner can spend time with you as they should have been doing in the first place. If the human house guest has brought a guest-pet, be as rude as possible, hissing at an audible volume. This will let the guest-pet know s/he has been noticed and is unappreciated.
8. SINGING: Always schedule your performances between 2 and 3 AM so as to have the full attention of everyone in the household.
9. FUR. Carefully examine and take note of the color of your coat. Your goal is to find contrast between your fur and a human's wardrobe. Black is especially good as all cat hair goes well with black. If your human is wearing tweed, don't bother. If you have dark fur, frolic on the light carpet and furniture, and vice versa. This rule also applies to hairballs, always deposit a hairball where it will leave a lasting impression. Never leave a hairball on a surface such as tile where it can be easily cleaned away.

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old." "My goodness Frank, and at your age, too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions." "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phoney name."

ETERNAL TRUTHS
- Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
- I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
- If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
- Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Some days are a total waste of makeup.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Stock Market Definitions:
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY" -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God

What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -Yogi Berra

A woman police officer pulled over a man for DUI (Drunk while Under the Influence), and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk replied, "Your tits."

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"

Dear Howard,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter.
Your future father-in-law,
Jagmohan Singh, Ph.D.
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

A woman had a pet skunk which was a devoted pet to her for years. One day the skunk died. The woman didn't know what to do at first, as she lived in an apartment and she had no place in the yard to bury her pet. So she decided to give the pet a proper burial out in the country. She didn't have a car, so she planned on taking a bus to the edge of town, then walking from there to some good site. She got on the bus and sat down behind the driver. About this time, the skunk wasn't keeping too well, so the woman held the skunk at arm's length. The driver noticed the smell right away, but he kept on driving for several blocks. He next opened the window, but that didn't help. Finally, he pulled the bus to the curb, and turned around, and said: "Will the woman with the stinking pussy please get off the bus?" 14 women got off.

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

A little boy had a dog named Laddy. Billy and Laddy were the best of friends. Laddy would follow him to school and wait at the front gate of the house for Billy to come home. One day, Billy came home and walked in to find his mom at the kitchen table. "Billy," she said, "I have something to tell you. Laddy got hit by a car and he died." Billy just looked at her and said "Oh." He went up the stairs and came down a few moments later. "Where's Laddy mom?" He asked. "I just told you," said Billy's mom, "Laddy got hit by a car." Billy burst into tears and said "Laddy, I thought you said Daddy!"

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

An older couple had a very tumultuous marriage for many, many years. When the man died his widow was surprised to hear that he had requested to be cremated and have his ashes spread over his favourite place, the local harbour. The wife dutifully took the ashes home, poured them into the toilet, made a big pee and a huge dump and flushed the lot down the toilet and into the sewer which ran down to the harbour and shouted "Take that, you old coot!"

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and now it won't hurt so much!"

Here are a few things overheard last Sunday at Beth Emmeth Synagogoue, very close to where the Pope was conducting the Papal Mass....
#1. I hear they're serving bacon for breakfast...no one will tell on us if we join in...
#2. Million, shmillion we only need 10 to get going...'
#3 Jesus, schmmesus, who needs Jesus...we go direct!
#4 What and camp out over nite?
#5 Where do I park the Mercedes there?
#6 What? They couldn't have had it at Clanton Park?
#7 What's with Mayor Mel getting blessed by the Pope on Shabbat Nach...
#8 So you think UJA's Super Sunday is a big event?
#9 Pope shmope...I wouldn't step foot in that park if it was the last park on earth...
and the last thing you might hear at Beth Emmeth Synagogue about the Papal Mass...
#10. Do you think we could recruit any of the pilgrims to come out to our Brotherhood meetings?

A young fellow at the Papal Mass was overheard to say,"Phew! For a second there I thought he said kiss my thing."

What was the last thing the Pope said to the pilgrims at the Papal Mass? (and believe me it wasn't like the Duke's 'All right pilgrims it's time to circle the women.') No it was more like, 'Flush twice - it's a long way to Idomo.'

Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car? He was playing "On The Road Again!"

Apparently Coty is getting together with Celine Dionne to develop her own perfume. They've narrowed down the name to either 'Eau de Poutine' or 'Celine Solution'.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered
the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. (The pen probably IS mightier than the sword - I'm sure not that many sword swallowers choke to death on their swords)

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "He has two locations now... he started his first cat house in Las Vegas, and now he's got another one in Reno!"

An orgasm is a gland finale.

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side of the river and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side." The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try" The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed. The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river. The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

The head manager of sales for a toothbrush manufacturer is reading his reports and is amazed that his top-grossing salesman is Paul Jackson, a man ridiculed around the office for his profound stutter. When asked his secret Paul replied "I'm s-s-s-sorry, I c-c-c-can't t-t-t-tell you m-m-my s-s-s-secret." The manager presses him to give an answer, but to no avail. Intrigued, the manager follows him to a nearby mall and watches him set up a card table in the middle of the busiest thoroughfare. On the table he puts a tray of patee and crackers and a sign that says "FREE SAMPLES!" Bewildered, the manager steps up to the table and grabs a sample of the spread. Upon chewing it some, he spits it out and cries: "Jesus! This is fucking horrible! What is it?" Paul calmly replies "D-d-d-dog shit. W-w-w-wanna b-buy a t-t-t-toothbrush?"

India has a Bill of Rights for cows. (In Canada we just let them gather in huge halls and play bingo.)

This man was fishing in the Galveston Bay. He caught this unusually ugly looking catfish. It had lumps and open oozing bumps all over it. The man thought that there was something wrong so he took it to the parks and wildlife people. They took the fish and ran some test on it. The testing of what the fish had consumed traced it's path back up the channel to houston. The tests also revealed that the fish had aids. Well the man that found the fish was notified of all this and cautioned not to fish the bay for a while until the reasoning was found as to why the fish had aids. Finally after weeks of searching and keeping the waterline closed off to all fisherman it was finally determined that: the fish got bumped in the ass by a fairy boat.

Xerox never comes up with anything original!

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Bill Gates' speech to MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California. Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.
Rule 2:The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3:You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4:If you think your teacher is tough ...wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5:Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping ...they called it opportunity.
Rule 6:If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes ...learn from them.
Rule 7:Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and ...listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8:Your school may have done away with winners and losers ... but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9:Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10:Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11:Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one day.

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my gorilla here." The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve gorillas in here." So the guy figures he'll fix them. He takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, and gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here." The bartender gives them the drinks, and they go off to sit down. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy. It seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy!"

Top 20 Thinnest Books:
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by HILLARY CLINTON
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by DR J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Reverend Jessie Jackson

You think Oedipus (by the way, my favourite name for a scrapyard is 'Oedipus Wrecks' - almost Electrafying!) had a problem? Think about this one: Adam was Eve's mother! Therapists could have had a field day with him.

Speaking of therapists, a friend of mine told me about a friend of hers (I think his name was Ziggy Fraud) who was a psychotherapist who moved to Hong Kong. The first thing he did was go to a local Chinese printer to have his business cards made up. When he went to pick them up he was somewhat set aback by what they printed under his name (maybe another unintended victim of Spellcheck)- 'PSYCHO THE RAPIST'!

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE. Seeks male companionship; ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 436-0194 and ask for Brandy."
More than 150 men who replied to this ad found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old Black Labrador Retriever.

Selected Steven Wrightisms:
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism; from many, it's research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex, however, we do have a few alcoholics."

My wife's gone to the West Indies Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord.
My wife's gone to Malawi. Lilongwe? Yes, about 5000 miles!
My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos. Inkhazi? Yes, constantly!
My wife's gone to see relatives in France. Nice? (...need I say more...)
My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea. Seoul? No, R'n'B!
My wife caught a cold in the Gulf. Qatar? Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks.
My wife had an accident in Slovenia. Bled? Like a stuck pig!
My wife's parents are from Croatia. Split? No, they're still happily married.
My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia. Singapore? Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse!
My wife went on a sailing course in Poole. In Dorset? Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I couldn't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Well," said the young man. "Maybe you should think about buying me out!!!"

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, I fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later I came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items. "Well, what do you think" my wife asked smiling. "Next time," I replied. "I'm writing to BMW!"

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the check and to the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "Jewish Ventriloquist Found Murdered in Blind Alley"

I refer to my slut of an ex-wife as Federal Express? When she goes to a guy's house, it's absolutely, positively guaranteed that she'll be there overnight.

I saw a beggar who was so broke that he was standing on the corner shouting as the cars went by,..."WILL WORK FOR CARDBOARD AND A MAGIC MARKER!"

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."...There's a pause... The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of First Grade!" The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

An older guy sits down at the bar and orders a drink, wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phoney beard. The bartender sets his drink down and asks, "Going to a party, John?" "Yeah," John answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep. "That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago!"

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'"

I mentioned to a friend that my 93-year-old grandfather had just married a 26-year-old gold-digger. What kind of wedding is that? My friend replied, "Oh, that's a football wedding. She's just waiting for him to kick off!"

This man was wanting to play golf with this beautiful lady that he admired for quit sometime. Well one day he asked her if she wanted to play and she acccepted! They went along and on the 4th hole he asked her if he were to make this 15-foot putt could they have dinner together. She agreed to it and.. Bang he made it. He was excited, so on the 12th hole he asked her if he made this 25 foot down hill putt could he have a goodnight kiss. She looked at it and agreed. Again... Bang he made it! Now he gets dinner and a kiss for goodnight. Well they get to the 18th hole and the Lady asks him to look at her putt. She has a 40-footer, down hill, up hill, the most difficult putt that could be made. So, She looks at the man and says if I make this I will make mad passionate love to you all night long!! Well this man cannot believe this. A dinner, a kiss, now a chance to make love all night!!! He goes around the whole green looking at every angle and talking to himself and aloud. He squats behind her ball for that last look. Looks up at her and say's "IT'S A GIMMIE!!"

Two doctors, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers when they get the idea to have one night of sex with no strings attached. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you ? "Yeah, how did you know?" I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "I didn't feel a fucking thing.

Lightning strikes the Empire States Building about seven times a year.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I pray for a new bicycle!" "I pray for a new Nintendo!" "I pray for a new VCR!" His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

The Top 13 Things PMS Stands For:
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And The Number One Is:
1. Pass My Shotgun

How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Secrets to a HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla CokeWASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet Vanilla Coke. "Diet Vanilla Coke, to be introduced this fall, is our last, best chance at turning this thing around," Fed chief Alan Greenspan said. "We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers." If Diet Vanilla Coke fails to jumpstart the economy, experts say the U.S. is doomed.

Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With UmlautsWASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."

Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."...There's a pause... The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Why did the Blond scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

"You cannot hold back a good laugh any more than you can the tide. Both are forces of nature." - William Rotsler

Sam the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. As times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services,
but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Sam began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Sam, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered the hooker, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

A guy says to his girlfriend, "Do you know the difference between a conversation and making love?" The girl says, "No."
"Then lie down," the guy says. "I wanna talk to you."

Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The nuns took some of their old clothes from their cupboard and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the burning building via the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the cloth could have ripped or broken since they are old?" "No, of course not," the nun replied, "don't you know old habits are hard to break?"

A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her
parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful bridesmaids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."

Why don't homosexuals like chess? Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.

"They should have Croc Hunter Steve Irwin wrestle her." - Howard Rosenberg on The Anna Nicole Smith Show -

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur." - George W. Bush to Tony Blair

HICKBONICS
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war
fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

…and in the same vein…
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

What does it mean when a girl in West Virginia has cum running out of both sides of her mouth? The trailer is level!

Billy Bob goes into the gun store and tells the clerk, "I want one of those pistols they call a .44 magnum. "The clerk asks, "What are you going to shoot with a gun that big?" The man replies, "I am going to shoot a bunch of fucking cans." The clerk asks, "What kind of cans are you going to shoot with a pistol that big?" The man answers, "You know, cans ... Africans, Mexicans, and Puerto Ricans!"

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're fucking my wife, but do you really have to use my ass for a scoreboard?"

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

What's yellow and green and eats nuts? Gonorrhea!

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? He drowns.

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.The people of Mexico were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today.It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

"Love" is staying up all night with a sick child, or with a healthy adult!

An Oldie with a twist:
A 300-lb. black woman walks in to a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of Iron Mike Tyson on one leg and Mohammed Ali on the other leg The artist said "Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat." A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product. The woman takes a look at the tattoo for a while and says, "well sir we have a problem, this doesn't look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell doesn't look like Mohammed Ali." The artist doesn't want to get into a fight with this 300-lb. woman so he says, "OK here's the deal, you go out side and the first
person you see I want you to ask them if that tattoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali." So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaches the man pulls up her skirt and asks him:
"Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?" The drunk replies, "Naw, sure don't.” The woman continues, "Does this look anything like Mohammed Ali to you?" The drunk says, “Nope, that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..

A woman strode angrily into Walmart, slapped a package of Pussy Treats on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What was the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?"

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called "Yam." Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato," and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, "Frito Lay."
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a………………………………………………Common Tater.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. "That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

At a town hall meeting, a man in the back of the room keep hollering, "We want more land. We want more land." The speaker told Bob to go back there and make the man shut up. Soon it was quiet and Bob came back up. The speaker asked Bob what he said to the man. "Well he kept hollering, 'We want more land,' so I kicked him in the balls and said, 'How's that for a couple of acres?'"

Brits and English Language:(revisited)
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

My son asked me for some money today. He says he just needs enough to tide him over until he needs more!

Old age is cruel: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a meal. The waitress brings it to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on in that kitchen!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is, and to his disgust, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. "Oh my God!" he says. "That's disgusting!" The waitress replies: "You think that's disgusting? You should see him make doughnuts!"

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -Carl Gustav Jung

"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." -Benny Hill

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." -David Friedman

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." -W. C. Fields

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied…………………………."She sells C cells by the seashore."

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Why Fishing is Better Than Women
1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay
expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. 2 hours of complete silence.(ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the
same thing... but then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small
rodent!)
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says
anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf
it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a
happy fish.
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
20. Blowfish!

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says,
" My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger" The second Texan says, ' My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns'. They both look down at the Jewish man who says, ' My name is Irving and I own 300 acres.’ Roger looks down at him and says, ' 300 Acres ? What do you raise ? ' 'Notink' Irving says. Well then, what do you call it?' Asked John. 'Downtown Dallas.'

A guy goes to a $10 hooker and gets crabs. So he goes back to the hooker and says: "Hey! You gave me crabs!" The hooker replies: "For $10, what did you expect? Lobster?"

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

Records you wont find in the Guinness Book of Records:
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED - Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES - Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH - Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZITS - In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a
distance of 7ft 1inch.
WORST DRINK - The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend how very specialized this hospital was. He said,”They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. But my favourite was the head nurse!”

These excerpts are from the Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. They are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False: There is evidence of a pea lasting 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, sometimes it sure seems like it.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

On Rosh Hashanah, Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Through this ceremony of Taslich, symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviours:
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For erotic sins.........................French Bread
For particularly dark sins..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins.....................Multigrain
For twisted sins.......................Pretzels
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision...............Waffles
For sins committed in haste.....Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah................Fresh Bread
For substance abuse...............Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs.............Poppy Seed
For petty larceny.....................Stollen
For committing auto theft.........Caraway
For timidity/cowardice..............Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity.........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism..........Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony..................Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances........Hero Bread
For war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly..........Tarts
For causing injury to others......Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity.....Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles....Hot Cross Buns
For being holier than thou.........Bagels
For abrasiveness... ..................Grits
For dropping in without notice...Popovers
For overeating.........................Stuffing
For impetuosity.......................Quick Bread
For indecent photography.........Cheesecake
For pride and egotism...............Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing.....Brownies
For being overly smothering.......Angel Food Cake
For laziness.............................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment......Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns........Corn Bread

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons....does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

My grandfather came to America to gain freedom, but it didn't work. My grandmother came over on the very next boat.

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."

Three men of the cloth, a Catholic, a Jew and an Episcopalian, were on an airplane trip together. They ran into the worst turbulence in the history of aviation on the whole flight. When the plane finally landed, a reporter is there and starts interviewing people. The first one is the Catholic and when asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Catholic my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would see me through it." The reporter said thank you and went up to the next man of the cloth and asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Jewish and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would see me through it." The reporter said thank you and went up to the third man of the cloth whose clothes were all messed up, wet streaks down his pants and chunks on his chest. He was asked the same questions and replied, "I'm an Ecopalian". The reporter says, "Ecopalian, what is an Ecopalian?" And the man of the cloth said, "That's an Episcopalian with the piss scared out of him!"

George and Sam are sitting on a bench outside the nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Sam?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Sam. "I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me." "I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Sam yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!

Why can't Italians roller blade? They’re wop sided.
When is it acceptable to spit in an Italian woman's face? When her moustache is on fire!

Supposedly from a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan. A guy in Michigan buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decide to go duck hunting, but, of course, all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

Science Diet?
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0° C (32° F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37° C (98.6°F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6216 calories (1 cal/g/deg. x 37°C x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1036 calories (6216 cal per 6 oz portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz x 1020 cal/oz) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts (e.g. ice cream) are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal/gm to melt them (i.e. raise them to 0° C) and an additional 37 cal/gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Astrological After-sex Comments....
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught Little Johnny having a wank in the long grass. "What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked. "What does it look like? I'm having a wank," Little Johnny replied. "You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it." "And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said Little Johnny. "And what's that?" asked the cop. "I bet you cut out her pussy, dry and stretch it, then dress it in a blue uniform and call it a cop!"

Did you go to college? No, I drink at home - I couldn't afford the $10,000 dollar cover charge!

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty. The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty. The waiter said that was the Peach Poosay and he would order it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her pussy. She picked up the second piece and did the same. The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?" The waiter responded, "Mais non Monsieur, you eat ze poosay."

Latest Study by Men Yields Important News for Women
1. Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of lovemaking is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard," triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

Out to lunch one day, Herschel and Sammy were having a fine time until Sammy began to gag. "I---I think I svallowed a bone," Sammy gasped. "Sammy," said Morris, "are you choking?" "No, demmit, I'm serious!"

An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." (The doctor said I got a flucky.) "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!" Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky." Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky." Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?" "I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate. "Will you, please, name the baby just as I give it to you?" "Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?" "Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.' This boy I want to name Jack."

An older woman on very first flight complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The stewardess smiled and gave her some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, the woman thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine, but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos

I married a woman who lets me give it to her both ways - cash or credit.

I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said to the 411 operator. "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me Tyrone."

Two happy out of work bums decided that they would be better off begging in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy...Would you like a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?" The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." After the hooker left one bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes, and we've been offered two jobs already!"

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love." A student from the back shouted out, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit!"

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited." "Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun. "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
Sister Mary said, "Well, I HIT THE CEILING, father." He asked, "How much did you win?"

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning - we're government workers! -Jay Leno

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. Rita Rudner

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -Steven Wright

Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Imponderables!
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
Why, if it is 2 AM in Japan and 2 PM in Paris, am I sleepy in Chicago ?

Sam was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture," Sam replied. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife!"

A couple in their eighties are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go pass a super drugstore. He suggests that they go in. He asks the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes". He asks, "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." "What about vitamins, constipation, and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." He turns to his bride-to-be and says, "Sweetheart, I think we should register our gift list here."

She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving a cute, new VW-bug. The bumper sticker: "Grow your own dope." 'How sweet,' thought I, 'must be a medical marijuana patient.' Then I noticed the rest of her message ... "Plant a man."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses." -Steven Wright

Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.

Some people say making love and wearing a condom is like taking a shower and wearing a raincoat. Maybe that is so, but these days, making love and NOT wearing a condom is like taking a shower and wearing a toaster.

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, . . . . "Johnny! What
are 4, 2, and 9?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, HBO, and the Playboy Channel."

I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

Prayer for the Chubby
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating for the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me for I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously, My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
Amen!!

More bumper stickers.
I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
I suffer from PMS... Putting up with Men's Shit
Men suffer from PMS too...Pretending to be Macho Studs
If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it shows you're nuts!!!
Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
Birthdays only come once a year...aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale." The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

Baseball’s Yesterday [Sung to the tune by The Beatles']
Yesterday.
Teams and players in one city stayed.
Baseball was the only game to play
Oh, what began with Doubleday?
Suddenly
Teams can leave and there's free agency
Prices rose and so I had to leave
I have to watch them on TV
Why
they
had to go
I don't know
They wouldn't say
Unions sure got strong
Now all we have is triple Aaa…
Yesterday
Strikes were only called at bat in play
Now we watch the players walk away
Oh, salary caps got in the way
Why
they
had to go
Who can know? They just won't stay
Seems there's cash to spare
But the greedy stopped the play.
Yesterday
Strike date set and now it's on the way
Fans have had it so they stay away
So, when is football anyway?
-with sincere apologies to Paul McCartney

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

Why are famous people always cool? Because they are surrounded by fans!

A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?" The old man replied, "Nope." "Is she a good Christian woman?" "I don't know for sure," the old man answered. "Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it." "Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked. "Cause she can drive at night," the old man said.

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently. "This must not be your first," I said. "Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first." "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked. He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

It is a little known fact that the two-piece bikini was actually invented by a Rabbi - to separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb". "No, Momma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month".

Raquel Welch, who has said she regrets not showcasing her Hispanic heritage until later in life, made her first visit
on Wednesday to her ancestral homeland of Bolivia. Next she will take her breasts to their ancestral home in Silicon Valley.

Written above a urinal: "No matter how you jump and dance,...The last two drops go down your pants."

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was levelled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?" Forty-nine hands went up. "Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bugger with you!"

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Judge to convict: "The prisons are all full, so I'm sentencing you to five years in the waiting room at the Department of Motor Vehicles."

After the teacher asked her students to write a sentence with the word ‘continue’ in it, she asked Little Johnny to write his sentence on the board (figuring there was no way he could do anything vulgar). Little Johnny went up to the board, looked at the teacher, thought a while, got a big grin on his face and then wrote, ‘Teacher I don’t understand why you don’t like me – could it be the cont in ue?’

Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers." "What for?" "I needed a second opinion."

What's the difference between a Russian whore and her mother? About $12.00

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The wise salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles." The bartender hollers out, "Sorry Mac there aren’t any women in town. All
we got is a Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don’t go for that shit." The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and states, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles." The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says, "Never mind I don’t go for that shit". The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time He's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town." Again the bartender says, "Sorry Mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says, "OK send the Chinaman up." The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for a Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don’t go for that shit either."

Why dogs can’t use computers!
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking, there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Berle. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Caine asks. Milton says, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five...six ...Put me down for a five."

Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He looked around then shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!" The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?" Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?" The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the agitators are black."

In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the men surveyed responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18 percent of those that responded revealed that they had been sucked into it.

What's the difference between a horse's tail and a man's tie? The horse's tail covers up the entire asshole.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments!

"A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition." -G. K. Chesterton

There were preliminary plans to erect a Disneyland in China, however after much study they gave up on the idea when they discovered that no one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

A fellow came home sheepishly one Friday night and admitted to his wife that he had already spent all of his pay. She demanded to know where it went. He said he bought something for the house. His wife screamed, "What did you buy for the house that cost $480? He replied, "Eight rounds of drinks."

Sam was walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. Sam has never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them! It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Sam answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," replied Sam, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

Rumours continue to churn that Hooters is seriously considering the acquisition of Vanguard Airlines. Flying Boeing wide body 36-DDs one would assume.

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Wendy, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over." "Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear" "Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?" "Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over." "That's right. Over and out." They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please." "Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear." "OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?" "Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program." "That's right, Pig 2. Over and out." An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. "Houston here, Wendy, come in. Wendy do you read us?" "Wendy here, reading you loud and clear." "Wendy, do you remember your instructions?" "Yes," Wendy says, "I feed the two pigs and make sure to keep my hands off all of the buttons."

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. –Garfield

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You might want to consider changing your hair style - it makes your nose look too long."
A blonde girl sounded like she had a terrible cold so her friend asked, "Did you see a doctor about it?" "I sure did," she replied. "He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath." "And it didn’t help?" her friend asked. "How do I know?" the blonde retorted. "I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!"

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?" "No. I always did that." "That must have been before you had women's liberation." "No, it was before we had baby bottles."

What do you call a dwarf Eskimo with a hard on? A Frigid Midget With A Rigid Digit!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Due to the current economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV." The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs are for." Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

You know you grew up Jewish when....
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You think the goyim are out to get you. (They are!)
Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes. You have at least six male relatives named David.
You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
You thought whitefish salad and lox was the quintessential party food.

Letterman's Top Ten Perks Of Being Osama Bin Laden's Son
10. Sometimes lets you work the camera for his videotaped rants
9. Touching moment when he teaches you how to torture an infidel
8. As busy as he is, Osama always makes time for Jihad Father and Son Day
7. Drop the old man's name at Kandahar TGI Friday's and you're looking at complimentary popcorn shrimp
6. Always asked to be celebrity judge at wet burqa contests
5. Has a surprisingly good collection of early 70's Dylan records
4. Fast-track membership process at the Tora Bora Country Club
3. Would be great for picking up babes if you were allowed to talk to babes
2. You are one United States airstrike away from running the damn business
1. At butcher shop, you always get the tastiest cut of goat.

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi." "Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."

You Might Be a Redneck If...
* You trim your beard and find a French fry.
* You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
* You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
* Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".
* Your car alarm eats dog food.
* Your car burns more oil than gas.
* Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
* Your horse can count higher than you.
* Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.
* Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
* Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
* Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
* Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
* You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
* You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
* You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
* You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.
* You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
* You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work.
* Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
* You've ever stolen a bulldozer.
* All of your four-letter words are two syllables.
* You cut your toenails in front of company.
* You've ever been too drunk to fish.
* You think women are turned on by animal sounds.
* You think women are turned on by tongue gestures.
* You have to dress the kids up to go to Walmart.
* You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister.
* You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
* You know how many bales of hay your car can hold.
* You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
* You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong.
* Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to-school clothes for the kids.
* Your sister's child looks just like you.
* You've ever given rat traps as a gift.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater.
* The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.
* You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
* In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.

There was a young fellow named Fritz
Who planted a acre of tits.
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he chewed them all up into bits.

One day as I fished on the sea
A mermaid came visiting me
Though just right on top
T'other end was a flop
With no parts to show she was a she.

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.

Little Johnny's little brother, with a confused look on his face, asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?" Little Johnny's father said, "Because mommy is my honey." Little Johnny's little brother still looked confused so Little Johnny said, "It's easy, she's his honey. he spreads her and eats her!"

The US Postal Service will honor America's bat species with four commemorative stamps.....with a recommendation they be stored upside down in a dark, dry place.

James went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife, Wendy. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture." The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?" James said, "Her driver's license."

"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice."
- Mahatma Ghandi –

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
"SEVEN UP!!!"

Money isn’t everything.
It can buy a bed - but not sleep
It can buy a clock - but not time
It can buy you a book - but not knowledge
It can buy you a position - but not respect
It can buy you medicine - but not health
It can buy you blood - but not life
It can buy you sex - but not love
So you see, money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.......
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

How long did it take to fill the red sea? A very long period.

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says.......Yep, diesel fitter!"

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. -Will Rogers

To comply with recent internet law changes...The Friday Funnies will now present a non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?" "No, but thanks anyway." "Why not?" asks the barman. "Are you nuts! The steaks are too high."

If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your pint than to forget where you left it!

I've really been working out, lately. Soon I'll be able to touch my toes. Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so...

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

How much does a grand piano cost? $1000.00.

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.
Products will now be labeled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced fat"; and "fat, but with a great personality."

End of non-smoking section...please feel free to light your tobacco products once more.

Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day.

At a bawdy party one night a drunken blonde walked up to a horny guy and whispered, "give me 12 inches and make it hurt!" So he fucked her twice and slapped her in the face!

Capping a four-week stay of rehearsals, the Rolling Stones and their entourage began packing for a 27-city tour Saturday. The tour will likely contain no more than four new works, and focuses on a 40-year retrospective of the band's works. ... Let me guess: "The Steel Wheelchairs" tour.

What is the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

TYPO ERRORS
1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as, "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife, "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was, "I wish you were her."
3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, "Put 'you are getting older but you are getting better.'" The salesman asked, "How do you want me to put it?" The man said, "Well...put 'You are getting older' at the top and 'but you are getting better' at the
bottom." When the cake was unveiled at the party all the
guests were agast at the message on the cake. It read, "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom."
Morals:
1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to right it write for you.

A blind chameleon still changes colors to match his environment.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."

My buddy once tried to use alcohol as a substitute for women. Unfortunately he got his dick stuck in the neck of the bottle.

She was only a cyclist's daughter, but she peddled it all over town.

Nursing mothers are usually good at self-expression.

How did the priest contact AIDS? He was doing hims in the rectory and forgot to cover his organ.

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactlywho's walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
The sleight of hand fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. Later, aftr he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

The good-looking prostitute who hung around billiard parlors was upset when her pimp left with her microwave: I guess you could say it shook her when the looker snooker hooker's booker took her cooker and forsook her.

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid... until she closed her curtains.

It's o.k. to laugh during sex...just don't point!

"When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail." -Abraham Maslow

The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
...and if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only.

Computer Prayer
Oh, Lord, please let my data be properly stored, and not lost in the abyss of cyberspace. Keep Thou my CD-Roms from blanking out, and my hard drive from crashing. May my uploads be swiftly accomplished and my downloads virus-free. Deliver me from hackers, and from pop-up ads, and all such spam as displeases Thy eye. Soften the hearts of those who would entice me to restructure my debt, or lead me down paths of unrighteousness with pictures of college girls and farm animals, that they may see the error of their ways and abandon their avaricious and lascivious pursuits. Lord, I ask that Thou keepest power flowing to my CPU, and protect it from surges. Order my pixels according to Thy divine plan, and hold back the dust from inside my mouse. Amen

Two women were discussing their sex lives. One says, "you know, sex with James lately has just gone down the tubes. Neither one of us is ever in the mood and we just aren't clicking any more." The other replies, "I know what you mean. Greg and I used to have problems too. So we decided to try some S&M." "Really?" asked the first. "Yeah," The second says, "he Snores while I Masturbate."

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking them some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Every time."

Two men are in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" Second guy says "Sure." "OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees." Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says the first one, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?" "Yes!" The first guy waves both of his hands in front of the other guy’s face and says, "See, I told you it was magic!"

A young girl confides to a girlfriend that her boyfriend was extremely affectionate. The friend says, “You mean he likes spooning?” The girl replies, ”Actually he much prefers forking!”

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says ,"You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it---where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy? Dry Martinez.

What is long and hard; has a hole at the tip and when inserted into a deep, slimy, hairy hole, can make you feel better?
A Vicks inhaler!

Bankers have a hard time understanding why a woman without principles will draw such a large amount of interest.

What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? A Hare Cut.

A few fears you may not have heard of:
Acrorectophobia: The fear of buttholes in high places.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked 'Who goes there?'
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule in a men's room. Which kind of leads to….
Smallpenisphobia: The fear of having to buy a small car. Or maybe to….
Shrinkaphobia: The fear of getting into the cold water at a nude beach. But definitely not to….
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Windophobia: The fear of having to use the “Start” button to turn the computer “Off.”
Buttcrackaphobia: The fear of having to call a plumber.
Phoebephobia: The fear of watching “Friends” on TV because the blonde chick is freaky.
Probeophobia: The fear of seeing a Doctor put on a rubber glove.
Rentanotherpornophobia: The fear of being turned down for a date on the weekend.
ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia: The fear of having to go to a frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on an old Sony VCR!

What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer? A dildo.

Why is Popeye's johnson so soft and smooth? He keeps it in Olive Oyl.

Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis Presley, and Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage reportedly held a séance to contact her father and gain his approval before their marriage last weekend in Hawaii. Unfortunately, on the 25th anniversary of his death, Elvis is still spinning uncontrollably in his grave from her marriage to Michael Jackson.

Elvis was an especially colorful character. He was a redneck who stole the blues from the blacks and sold it to the whites.

Leonardo DiCaprio, calling the United States the world's biggest polluter, urged President Bush to to `Go Green,' and make a statement in favor of the environment by attending the Earth Summit in Johannesburg, South Africa, later this month. Of course the easiest way to "go green" is to try to get through one of Leo’s movies.

You realize that Time really is advancing when your favourite group formerly known as CSNY is now known as Crosby, Stills, Nash and Very, Very Old.

In 1991, comedian Jackie Mason married his manager Jyll Rosenfeld (38) answering the question: "Who do I have to sleep with in this town to get a manager...?"

In 1994, Space telescope Hubble photographed Uranus with rings...so wash up down there.

The Japs have come up with an X-rated version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Now, when the dwarfs sing "Hi Ho", they're singing about Snow White.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Penis Types:
The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Diet Coke Penis: Just for the taste of it...
The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
The Mr. Clean Penis: Is it wet or is it dry?
The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me.
The Citibank Visa Penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
The Timex Penis: It takes a lickin' and keeps on.......
The Burger King Penis: Have it your way.
The Folger's Crystals Penis: the best part of waking up is a penis in your cup.
The Dairy Queen Penis: Hot eats, cool treats. (We treat you right.)
The Army Penis: Be all that you can be.
The Uncle Sam Penis: We want you.
The Milk Penis: It does a body good. (Got penis?)
The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?

This poem was apparently written by a black Texan.
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored?

A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better." The Doctor smiles patronizingly and says, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?" "Um... He told me to come see you," replied the new patient.

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf,a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's midsection,
immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into rapture about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the hell was that?!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck-all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

Smile! It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips and it makes everyone wonder what you’re up to!


It happens every couple of weeks. The phone call comes from my wife, "I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what to make for dinner anymore. Somebody hates this, someone is allergic to that, the sight of this makes me barf! It's terrible! Could you maybe bring home some Swiss Chalet or McDonalds?" I feel some things have changed for the worse here. I'm talking about the lack of good old, down-home Jewish cooking in our homes. I am taking it upon myself to help out all you frantic housewives out there, with wonderful menus that will lead your children to a healthy, happy, and loving family unit as I knew it in my childhood.
First, go down to Simpson's basement, buy a housecoat, and wear it all day, every day. Then go out and buy a live chicken, carry it wrapped in a newspaper to the Shoichet who will ritually slaughter it before your very eyes. When you get it home, flick your chicken and make sure you don't leave in any pinchus (feather ends). Next, go out and buy a four-foot-long carp with huge whiskers. Fill your bathtub with water and let the fish swim in it for several days. In the meantime, remove your berber broadloom from the living room, polish the hardwood floors, cover them in newspaper, cover your couch in Saran wrap, and don't let anyone in your living room again. Now you're a real "BALABUSTA, which is a term of respect used for an efficient Jewish housewife, and the essence of your universe is in the kitchen. So get out your Eddy matches, light the pilot light, get out the volgar holtz, hock the tzibbeles and knobble, and we're Jewish again. Before we start, however, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste (Pollack, Litvack and Gallicianer). Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, fall, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ. SCHMALTZ has for centuries been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: low fat, no cholesterol, President's Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ. It can't miss!)
Let's start, of course, with the "forshpeiz". Gehockteh leber with SCHMALTZ is always good, but how about something more exotic for your dear ones, like boiled whitefish in yoyech which sets into a jelly form, or "gefilteh miltz" (stuffed spleen), in which the veins are removed, thank God, and it is fried in, you guessed it, SCHMALTZ, bread crumbs, eggs, onions, salt and pepper. Love it! How about stewed lingen (lung) - very chewy, or gehenen (brains) - very slimy. Am I making your mouth water yet? Then there are greebenes - pieces of chicken skin, deep-fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown. This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention. Another favorite, and I'm sure your children will love it, is pe'tcha. Simply chop us some cows' feet with your hockmesser, add some meat, onions, SCHMALTZ again, salt and pepper, cook for five hours and let it sit overnight. You might want to try it with oat bran and bananas for an interesting breakfast. There's also a nice chicken fricassee using the heart, gorgle, pipick (a great delicacy, given to the favourite child, usually me), a fleegle or two, some ayelech (little eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc.. We also have knishes and the eternal question "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes or all three?" Other time-tested favourites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel. Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc. is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full, the other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy! My personal all-time favourite is watching my Zaida munch on boiled chicken feet. Try that on the kinderlach tomorrow.
For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen, farfel, arbiss, lima beans, pietrishkeh, tzibbeles, mondlech, kneidlach, kasha, kliskelech and marech (marrow bones).
The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten (hockfleish), and sometimes rib steaks which were served either well done, burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace. Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap pop (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles) or a glezel tay (tea) served in a yohrtzeit glass and sucked through a sugar cube held between the incisors. Desserts were probably the only things not made with SCHMALTZ, so we never had any.
Well, now you know the secret of how I've grown up to be so tall, sinewy, slim and trim, energetic, extremely clever and modest, and if you want your children to grow up to be like me, you're gohnsen meshuggah! ZEI MIR GEZUNT!

From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" 1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat. 2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat. 3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat). 4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home. 5. I keep 3 sets of dishes -- for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.

A Jewish businessman warned his son not to marry a "shiksa." The son said, "But she's converting." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems," After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos." "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."
Mrs. Goldberg was in her forties and recently widowed. After her six months of mourning she decided to try an escort service for her very first date. She phoned and told the escort service that she wanted a man around thirty-five years old, well groomed, a good dancer, around six feet two inches tall and to be a good conversationalist, besides being handsome and well dressed. The escort service said they had just the man and would send him over that night. When she answered the doorbell, there stood her escort. He fit all her requirements, but he was black. Slightly taken aback, she said, “What the hell--let's give it try". Happily, he was an excellent dancer, charming, a good conversationalist and terrific in the sack. So much so, that every week she used the same escort and wouldn’t take anyone else. A few months later, on her visit to her gynecologist, the doctor said, Mrs.Golderg, I don't usually say this, but I have never seen anyone with as clean a vagina as you have.” She replied, "And why not?" I have a schvartze in once a week!”

As Morris was going in to the Synagogue on Rosh Hashanah, the rabbi greeted him at the door, shook his hand, pulled him aside and said, "You need to join the Army of G-d!" Morris replied, "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi." The Rabbi asked, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" Morris whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A dairy farmer’s wife entered a jingle contest sponsored by the Carnation Milk Company. Carnation had furnished the first line of jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all..." and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form. Each contestant could only use 50 words or less. A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it was unfortunate that the company could not publish it. In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1,000 for her creativity. Here is her entry:
I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

A few months after a young woman is widowed, her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. "Well, not quite yet," the young woman answers. "I've just begun to enjoy using the remote control."

Food has replaced sex in my life - now I can't even get into my own pants.

As an usher made his rounds one evening at a posh Texas theater, he noticed an obviously drunken cowboy sprawled across three seats. He nudged the cowboy's foot with his flashlight. "I'm sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned, but didn't move. "Sir!" the usher insisted. "If you don't move I'll have to get the manager." The cowboy groaned again, wiggling one hand, but still didn't move. The usher marched off and came back with the manager. The manager tried to get the cowboy to move, but he just moaned. Finally fed up with the man, the manager called the police. The policeman walked in, listened to the manager's explanation, then grabbed the cowboy by the shoulder, shaking him slightly. "All right, buddy, what's your name?" "Steve," the cowboy groaned. "Where ya from, Steve?" the officer asked, hoping to talk him into moving. Steve moaned, tried to lift his hand to point, and said, "the balcony!"

U.S. College Humour:
What does the average Texas A&M player get on his SATs? Drool. How do you get an Oklahoma cheerleader into your dorm room? Grease her hips and push. How do you get a Colorado graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. Why is the Baylor football team like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. What are the longest three years of a Kansas State football player's life? His freshman year. How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? None, That's a sophomore course. Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY Why did Texas choose orange as their team colour? You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

A Polack was attacked by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers, incredulously. "Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!"

E-mail is like coming home at night after a long day and finding 70 people in your kitchen. - John O' Donohue
A survey of California students released Friday found that more than 10 percent of high school students have tried the drug Ecstasy. The biennial survey found that Ecstasy was the third most popular drug among the 7th, 9th and 11th graders questioned. 25% told surveyors their favorite was alcohol, 30% said pot and 10% said; "You are my best friend ever - I love you man..."
Peter Sana, a man who slipped into a coma in March 1995, has regained consciousness after seven years. Sana has been in a Honolulu nursing home and began responding to commands from his nurse over the last month. His first words were "So, how many years did O.J. get?" A genie tells a man he has two wishes. The man says: "OK! I wanna be hard all the time, and get lots of ass!" So the genie turns him into a toilet seat.
What Gender? ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up; because it's an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed; and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. TYRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it; and there's the hot air part. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider; it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." "That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting, "she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, ma’am I am."

In a New York park, a young boy was attacked by a savage dog. A passer by happened to see that and came to the rescue. Having tackled the dog, he strangled it to death. A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took snap shots for a front page picture in the next days paper. Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published with the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy". "I'm not from New York" replied our brave hero. "Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American rescues boy from savage dog." "I'm not American either" replied our brave hero. On being asked about who he really is our hero replied, "I'm a Pakistani." Well the next day the headline on the front page of The New York Times said: "Muslim Fundamentalist strangles puppy dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible link to al-Qaeda."
There was this fine lady from Cape Cod,Who thought babies were created by GodBut it wasn't the almightyThat lifted her nighty,It was Roger the lodger, by God!

A young exhibitionist Kay,Having tossing all her panties away,Has invited us lads(Via newspaper ads)To a pubic performance today.

Said a woman with open delight"My pubic hair's perfectly whiteI admit there's a glare.But the fellows don't careThey locate it more quickly at night."

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2002AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEAVER LEAVER - A homosexual (male)
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT - A homosexualTART FUEL or BITCH PISS - Bottled Alcopops, e.g Hooch, regularly consumed by young woman.
AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'blackbox'.
MUMBLER - An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
PICASSO ARSE - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person
TITANIC - A lady who goes down the first time out.
BUNNY-BOILER - An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. " I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
TEN-PINTER - Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.
COCK-A-DOODLE-POO - The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
X-PILES - Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
McSPLURRY - The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - The need to defecate imminently.
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE - To defecate e.g. "I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
PEARL HARBOUR - Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go "Oo! Ool Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".FRIGMAROLE - Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
ETCH-A-SKETCH - Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both her nipples simultaneously.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT - A vigorous masturbation session.
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG - The female erection.DOUBLE BASS - A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Procrastination is a lot like masturbation. It seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end, you’re only fucking yourself.
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." -- Mark Twain
"You don't seem to realize that a poor person who is unhappy is in a better position than a rich person who is unhappy. Because the poor person has hope. He thinks money would help." - Jean Kerr

"America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top." - Charlie King

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up. "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment." They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London Bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace. The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"

Welcome to the Repentance Hot Line. Your call is very important to us and is fully confidential. If calling in the Ten Days of Repentance, when G-d is closer than ever this is a local call, instead of the usual long distance. Press #10 now.During this time, you will hear one long note, three short beeps, nine shorter beeps, and a long note. This series will repeat several times, followed by an extra-long final note at the end. Repentance calls for patience and persistence. If you do not get through the first time, try again. If you still do not get through, try again. At any time: Do not hang up!If you feel you reached us in error, this is the right place, for 'to err is human, to is forgive Divine.'This call is being monitored audio-visually by, 'The Eye that sees, the Ear that hears, and All your deeds are inscribed.' At any time during your call, you may hear moving renditions of Avinu Malkenu, Kol Nidrei and other High Holiday melodies.For Ashkenazic pronunciation, bevakosho (please) press A. For Sephardic, bevakashah press S. Use any language, as long as it comes from the heart. Lip service is unacceptable. If you are not serious, please hang up, try pressing 'return' and call back again. To review your annual balance, here are some helpful numbers: For Mitzvot in general, press #613. For a positive commandment, press #248 For a negative commandment, press #365. Regarding rabbinic laws use extension 7. For Teshuvah, press 1, for Prayer press 2, and for Charity 3... to remove the bad decree. You may Press 1 for Echad, M to ask for Moshiach. Press Zero to delete your transgressions. Are you sure you want to delete your transgressions at this time? If you sinned against another party, contact them first, and call back after they forgive. If you sincerely regret past transgressions, but don't know where to begin, consult Yom Kippur prayer book's alphabetical Al Chet directory. Use right hand to press pound at each listing. Thanks to our special Teshuvah advantage program, all your debits have been turned into credits. All transfers to charity are credited to your account. Enter pledge now. Press #18 to contribute multiples of Chai. May you be inscribed for a good New Year. Thank you, and please callagain.

Moishe Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moishe explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moishe then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandvich."

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays Rosh Hashanah -- Feast zom Gedalia -- Fast Yom Kippur -- More fasting Sukkot -- Feast Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself. Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes Tu B'Shevat -- Feast Fast of Esther -- Fast Purim -- Eat pastry Passover -- Do not eat pastry Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.) 17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes) Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes) Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
7'1 basketball star Wilt Chamberlain's parents were 5'8. ( And his Dad only shtupped 10,000 women)
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Why was the nearsighted fly starving? He couldn't see shit.

There was a young man from Taiwan
Who ordered one ton of wonton
His perversion proved heinous
For he whipped out his penis
And tied one Taiwan wonton on!

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just HOW you do it."
David and John were wondering whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. So, David goes up to the Father and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?" The Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion." David goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Father told him. John says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try" And so John goes up to the Father and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"To which Father eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
-(-(--_ / ( ( \ DO-RE-MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson. DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer... __ __) RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... / \/ \ ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, /\/\ (o )o ) FAR..... the distance to my beer. /c \__/ --. SO...... I think I'll have a beer. ( ) LA...... La, la la la la beer \_ _-------' TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... / \ That will bring us back to... '\_______) (Looks into an empty glass) \_____) D'OH! ______ / \
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman.
Why does the Afghani Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force.How do you stop a Taliban tank? Shoot the guys pushing it.
Why don’t women drink beer on the beach any more? Because they hate sand in their schlitz.During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get outof here." "How did you come up with that?" someone asked. "Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right." Scientists have come up with news that may help millions of men -- they have succeeded in growing major parts of penises in the laboratory. Anthony Atala, whose team at Harvard Medical School carried out the experiments, told New Scientist magazine the researchers were now trying to grow entire penises in the test tube...Sounds like a load of cock and bull to me.
Georgie Porgie, puddin' in pie,Kissed the girls & made them cry;So he got tired of all that noise,And Georgie started kissin' boys!"

The wife of an athlete named ChuckFound her married life shit out of luck.Her husband played hockeyWhile not wearing a jockeyNow he ain’t got what it takes to Fuck!

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.... -you have tossed most of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
-you still hide your best make-up. -you called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low. -you suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget. -you are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get. -they've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths. -you still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks. -you ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run. -your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
-you still insist on shopping at Costco even though the industrial size of everything goes bad before you finish it.
A gay fellow was seeking a proper burial for 2 friends who had died from AIDS. After trying to have them embalmed by numerous funeral homes he found they didn’t want to handle AIDS victims. As a last resort, he calls a taxidermist who obliges and tells the man to bring the bodies in. When he drops the bodies off and is about to leave, the taxidermist says, "I forgot to ask you on the phone, do you want them mounted?" The man thinks for a second and replies: "No, just have them holding hands!"
During one four-year period, Thomas Edison obtained 300 patents, or one every five days.
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didn’t notice him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to get a love potion from them. "We don't give love potions anymore," said the witches, but we will help you." They then gave him a bag of small white tablets. "Bury one of these in front of her home every night for a month," they said, then sent him away. A month later the man returned to the witches. "Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm amazed!" "It's really no surprise," said the witches. "Remember: Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milligan.

Corporate lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, Who was that? It was Bob the next-door neighbour she replies. Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me? Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate lesson 2 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129? The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, Father, remember psalm 129? Once again the priest apologized. Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity! Corporate Lesson 3 Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf. Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size. Another good lesson!! A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. Me first! Me first! says the admin clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! He's gone. OK, you're up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch. Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Two blondes, clearly anxious about their flight, bought some flight insurance at the terminal. However, neither was able to decide who to list as beneficiaries, so they ended up each naming the other and happily boarded the plane.

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
Virgin Atlantic Airways must replace tables in its newest planes because passengers have broken them during illicit trysts, the Sun newspaper said on Monday. The $200 million Airbus A340-600, which was introduced several weeks ago, has a "mother and baby room" with a plastic table meant for changing diapers. But passengers have destroyed them by using them for love making. It’s possible this new version of the Mile High Club may cause the airline to change its name!

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: "Bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."

I was talking with a long-haul truck driver the other day and told him I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel. "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."
The only thing wrong with religions that have all the answers is that they don't allow questions.

Pat and Mike were driving along the highway in Newfoundland looking for a place to stop and picnic. Pat says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree." Mike says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They argued for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. Pat says, "You were right! If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and his chauffeur are rolling down a country road at night when suddenly the limo hits a pig that has wandered onto the road. The pig is killed instantly. The Prime Minister instructs his driver, "Go up to da farm hover dere an' hexplain to da honer of da pig what 'appen." An hour later, Chrétien sees his driver staggering back from the farm, his clothes wrinkled, lipstick on his face, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. What 'appen to you?" asks the P.M. "Well, Prime Minister, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me a cigar, and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love to me." Tabarnak! What did you tell dem?" asks Chrétien. The driver answers, "Good evening, I am Jean Chrétien's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
"I just hope that this award breaks down the door for Jewish people who are trying to get into show business."-- Brad Garrett, after winning an Emmy for "Everybody Loves Raymond"
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
The safest sex is right in the palm of your hand.
Time heals all wounds - unless you pick at them.
I got a pearl once out of an oyster. My sister got a real diamond out of an old crab.
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" -Art Hoppe.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why?... So he can make a new hole!
Carlos Leonel Ayala, 26, of Vallejo An employee at a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in Mill Valley, California was arrested for allegedly selling marijuana at the restaurant. Make that TWELVE herbs and spices!
What do you call Tuesday's at a Texas prison? A Fryday.
Why did the New York Police Department fire all their gay detectives? They kept blowing all their cases.
Did you hear about the escaped murderer's new website? It's at slash, slash, backslash, escape the net.
Why couldn't Ted Bundy go out the night he was executed in the electric chair? He was grounded.
What was Ted Bundy's last job in prison? Conductor.
What was Ted Bundy's emotional state the day of his electrocution? He was really hot under the collar.
How does an LA policeman go fishing? He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.
Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? Ten. Five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at the town hall on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
About 17% of humans are left-handed. (and supposedly 100% of polar bears – or at least all of the ones who answered the questionnaire)
The action was getting pretty hot and steamy in the back seat of my car when the girl moaned...."Kiss me where it smells!!" So I drove her to New Jersey!
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Peanut Butter-will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper.
A woman in was found to have almost $2,150 hidden in her vagina when she was busted for a phony prescription. As the story spread, local banks refused to accept the money, considering it to be contaminated. One bank was finally convinced to take the money for deposit when it was brought in wrapped in plastic. Evidently someone must have fingered her.
"The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." -Stanley J. Randall
I hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When I walked into this latest one, I thought I recognized a wife of a classmate over in the corner, so I approached her and extended my hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "You don't look so great in blue either!"
A woman who was called to serve for jury duty asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal beliefs to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm spirit, so he tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel their kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed the woman, "I'll serve. And maybe I could be wrong about that capital punishment thing."
A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. My buddy had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
What a country! A Yemeni man divorced his first wife because she was loud and argumentative and picked a deaf mute woman as his new bride, a local newspaper said on Monday. Al-Thawra daily said a 40-year-old man named Yahya from the southern Dhamar province was so tired of his wife's "screaming and endless disputes" that he left her after 15 years to remarry. He chose one deprived of hearing and speech and who is quiet and mild-mannered...and her dad owns a bar!
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
One day my housework-challenged son decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Illinois."
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex." In unison they all replied, "You win!"
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women. The company decided to have a contest to decide who should get the job. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. The fist team finished will get the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. Three hours later, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down." Four hours later, the blonde crew arrives. They are all flushed and breathing hard. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put their pole in halfway!!"
A blonde says to her boyfriend "Baby, I want you to screw my brains out." He says, "Ah, c’mon, I'm tired of quickies."
A blonde comes home from the doctor's office crying. "What's the matter?" her mother asks. "I had to take a blood test," the young woman says. "Oh, did the needle hurt your finger?" her mother asks. "It's not that. I did really badly at the test!" "How could you do badly at a blood test?" her mother asks. "Well, the brunette ahead of me got A+, the redhead got a B- and I got a 0!"
Did you hear about the blonde that...
....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.

Almost a quarter of the land area of Los Angeles is taken up by automobiles.

A man from the East Coast is visiting California for the first time, and is conversing with a California native. He says, "I'll be visiting La Jolla (lah-JOLL-a) next week," whereupon the Californian replies, "Oh, you mean, 'La-*HOY-a'?" "Oh. Yeah, I guess so." Then he adds, "But right now I'm staying in El Cajon (el-ca-JOHN)," and again the Californian corrects him "You mean, El Ca 'HONE'?" "Oh. Yeah, right." Then the Californian asks, "So when will you be returning home?" The East Coast guy thinks about it for a minute and then answers, "Oh, I don't know, I guess sometime in 'HUNE' or 'HULY'."

Three boys received failing grades from their female sex education instructor. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

Abe Schwartz, coming back from an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. When he approached his wife Minnie she promptly said, "Sorry, dear, but I've got to clean the chicken and make the gefilte fish. Another time, please." The next night Abe tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check." By the third night, Abe was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently. Minnie snapped back, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"

What is 6 feet long and smells like urine? A line dance at a nursing home.

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

A married couple was having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is
very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance.

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." -George Burns.

The mother of five mellowed a lot over the years in the way she reacted to her kid’s health problems. When her oldest daughter coughed or sneezed, she called the ambulance. By the time the youngest boy came along and he swallowed a dime, she just told him it was coming out of his allowance.

We never, truly grow up, we just learn how to behave in public.

I had a gun long before I had a computer. My first point and click was a Smith and Wesson!

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to mosquitoes.

"I've got no talent, I just won an Emmy, and I'm fucking Brad Pitt. Sorry about that." - Jennifer (soon to be in another pit altogether) Aniston –

An increasing number of American youths who use the club drug Ecstasy are mixing it with the anti-impotence drug
Viagra, leading drug-abuse specialists to warn about the health risks of heart problems or erections that don't subside for more than four hours - Great for camping though.

A rainbow can only occur when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon. (Maybe that’s why you don’t see so many gays about at noon!)

Pat and Mike from Newfoundland are on holiday in Toronto. Walking along the street, they see a sign which reads: " Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair", Pat says, "LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back home we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking ‘cause I can hide my Newfie accent. They go in and Pat says, “Excuse me my good man, I’ll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. If you would kindly wait a moment, I'll back up my pickup and..." The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?" " Yessirree!" says a surprised Pat. "How come you know that, by?" The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaner."

Variations on a theme:
Roses are red, violets are blue,Sugar is sweet and so are you.But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.After you, my love, my only prizeWould be a bullet between the eyes.Of loving beauty you float with grace;If only you could hide your face.I thought that I could love no other,Until, that is, I met your brother.Kind, intelligent, loving and hotThis describes everything you're not.I want to feel your sweet embraceBut don't take that paper bag off your face.I love your smile, your face, and your eyes ...Damn, I'm good at telling lies!Every time I see your faceI wish I were in outer space.I saw your face as you walked byBut then I saw a better guy.My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;Marrying you screwed up my life.Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.What inspired this amorous rhyme?Two parts vodka, one part lime.I see your face when I am dreamingThat's why I always wake up screaming.My love you take my breath awayWhat have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tellExcept for maybe "go to hell."

Crazy things happen to me. One time while I was having an out-of-the-body experience, my body went to Vegas ... with all my credit cards. I had some kind of fling with a $500 a night hooker. But do you think I could explain that to my wife?... NO!... Women only see what they want to see.
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light."
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, "Gatsby," without any word containing the letter "e." Of course the scales have since been tipped back with the advent of e-mail, e-zine, e-file and e-everyotherfuckingthing!
The word kangaroo means I don't know in the language of Australian aborigines. When Captain Cook approached natives of the Endeavor River tribe to ask what the strange animal was, he got’ kangaroo’ for an answer. (And if I’m not mistaken, the word platypus is aboriginal for ‘you are standing in dingo shit you pale dumbfuck’)
A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this with the West Virginia Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the West Virginia Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.Fresh apples float in water because 25 percent of their volume is air.
Why do most skanks have belly-button rings? So you can hang an air freshener.
The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!!
One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?"
The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husbands face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
Two voices - male and female - obviously on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go" Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first" "It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on" Sniff sniff "Ahh, perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
Statistical Findings: - 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date - 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place - 36% of the women favour nudity - 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes - 46% of the women experienced anal sex - 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning - 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations - 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest - 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack." When the driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
"I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age." -- Steven Wright A cannibal chief had captured a man near his camp and said to the man, "What is your profession?" The man replied, "I am editor of my company paper." " Good," smiled the cannibal chief. "Tomorrow you will be editor-in-chief." Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident. "She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said. Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story. One said to the other, "There's a book?"
Here are some of the best T-shirts spotted by Washington Post readers and sent into Bob Levey at the Post.- Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"- A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words, But It Uses Up a Thousand Times the Memory"- They Call Me a Feminist Every Time I Say Something That Distinguishes Me From a Doormat"- "Of Course I Don't Look Busy -- I Did It Right the First Time"- "When Did My Wild Oats Turn Into Shredded Wheat?"- "Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe in Gosh"- (On the front) "I Cannot be Bought" -- (On the back) "Inquire About Leasing"-
- "Welcome to Kentucky -- Set Your Watch Back 20 Years"- "Practice Safe Food -- Use Condiments"- "Life Is Uncertain -- Eat Dessert First"
- (In very, very small print) "If you can read this then you are close enough for sexual-harassment"
Excuse me, Sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh, yes; I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know; remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, Sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out." "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?" "You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they were important." "What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you." "Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, Sir; I forgot." "You should always save, Moses." "Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? May he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act like I did not hear that." "I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses." "Oh, yes. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what did he say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?" "They are called 'viruses,' Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them." "We will do it the new way, Moses." "I was afraid you would say that, Sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers Apple?" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets." The drunken American sergeant was holding forth loudly in the London pub. "I've served all over the world," he slurred to the regular drinkers, "an' I can tell you that this goddam country is the asshole of Europe!" The little elderly gentleman seated next to him at the bar looked up from his newspaper and said, "Just passing through, are you, old boy?" What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned during Spring Training. Why are Asians so smart? They don't have blondes to bring down their average. A man from Idaho goes to New York City on business for the first time and is charged eight dollars for a rum and coke. He gives the bartender the money and says, "Man, everything is so expensive here in New York!" The bartender replies, "It can’t be that much more than where you live." The man replies, "Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that, in my hometown, you can go out drinking all night for nothing! And if you feel you've had too much to drink. You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!" The incredulous bartender says, "I find that very hard to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?" The guy replies, "Well no, not exactly...but it happens to my wife all the time!" Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. '"The Doctor said, "What I said was, ’You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’"
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his wife, "Wife, you, me and the dog we're going fishing this weekend,." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing! He says,” Well, I’ve made up my mind so I’ll give you three choices - you come FISHING with me and the dog, you give me a BLOW JOB or you take it up the ASS!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Too damn bad. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING, BLOW JOB or ASS?" The wife says, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" He drops his pants but she has no sooner begun the task when she stops and says, "It tastes like shit!” He says, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Hear about the new gay sitcom? Leave it, it's Beaver - it comes right after Everyone loves Raymond! The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in Your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. * No taxes. * No debt. * Plenty buffalo * Plenty beaver * Women did the work * Medicine man free * Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Weird Sex Laws - Jun 21, 2002
- If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
- Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law. (So Mister Bator is wrong!)
- A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. (Too many people must have got hooked on it or had a blast!)
- A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. (Those poor horny buggars!)
- In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. (I wonder where they’re supposed to carry the permit?)
- Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. (Tell it to those cops in Idaho)
- In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. (Dadnabbit!)
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth. (A token gesture, I’m sure!)
- Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds. (Maybe they should learn to levitate.)
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. (Someone should warn the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!)
- A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. ) That’ll teach her not to be a siren!)
- No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia. (Sounds like a stretch to me!)
- In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances - including the wedding night. (Their population growth must depend on sluts from out of state!)
- The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (And I had always heard you got fucked in style in Washington!)
- In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. (I guess only married women get to let’er rip!)
- In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife. (That would explain the state’s relatively high sales of paper bags!)
- A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines. (Thank goodness beer was taken off the list!)
- In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude. (Thank God for shoes!)
- A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces. (A six foot length of chain oughta do it!)
- Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest and no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts. (They make nice necklaces, though!)
- Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. (Idaho cops take note!)
- During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. (Cover the windows or it’s curtains for you!)
- In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. (They’ve got it covered!)
- In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. (Maybe they think they might reflect badly on them!)
- In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. (Whip – yes, pistol – no!)
NEWEST MIDICATIONS - Stressed-out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier.
- St. Mom's Wort ~ Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
- Emptynestrogen ~ Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
- Peptobimbo ~ Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting.
- Dumerol ~ When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
- Flipitor ~ Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip-off other drivers.
- Antiboyotics ~ When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.
- Menicillin ~ Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
- Buyagra ~ Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
- Extra Strength Buy-One-All ~ When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
- Jackasspirin ~ Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
- Anti-talksident ~ A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
- Sexcedrin ~ Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
- Ragamet ~ When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
- Men-Gay ~ A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify whose name to cross off the dating pool.

You Know You're A Redneck Jedi When…
1. You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance spitting. 2. More than half the droids you own don't function. 3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I. Q. 4. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married. 5. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while vacationing on Hoth. 6. Your moonshine is made on the moon. 7. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket. 8. Sandpeople back down from your mama. 9. You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI. 10. You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your accent. 11. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. 12. You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. 13. A Wookie has told you that you need to shave. 14. You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with your lightsaber. 15. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. 16. You've gone AT-AT tipping. 17. Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem. 18. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper. 19. The Rancor monster refused to eat you. 20. You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother.

A report released by Philip Morris stated that the government could save millions of dollars in healthcare costs because smokers die earlier. The report cited a study of smoking in the Czech Republic in 1999, where the government saved $30 million from the early death of smokers.
CBS and the producers of "Survivor" are threatening legal action against plans by ABC and Granada Entertainment to stage a U.S. version of the hit British series "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" CBS executives believe the show, which drops a group of B-level personalities in a remote location and forces them to fend for themselves, bears too close a resemblance to "Survivor." They should all be sued by the creators of "Gilligan's Island"! Two days after blistering President Bush over a threatened war on Iraq with what she called "the words of William Shakespeare," Babs Streisand admitted on Tuesday that she had inadvertently quoted an Internet prankster instead of the beloved British Bard... "Hark! What light through yonder ears, doth break?" I’m sure the rule of thumb has not changed with her handlers – The whippings will continue until morale improves! New Zealand gave the go ahead Tuesday to begin experiments that involve inserting human genes into cattle to produce proteins that could be used to treat medical conditions...Actually the farmers in New Zealand have been inserting human genes in cows and sheep for hundreds of years!
A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."You know you are a Jewish Redneck when…1) The Rav at your synagogue handles the curves really well and climbs the mountain on route to the cottage.2) You are often heard saying, "Good Shabbas Y'all"3) Your teffilin has oil stains from you fixing your own car.4) When you join the army, the sergeant orders you to cut off your curls.5) You actually do exchange gifts for 8 crazy nights...

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ The CBC
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Y**w*h
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/does not appear to occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (see Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST/Landmark
__ The Plan
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve he balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
>c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
Thank you. Your opinion counts.

The following are actual signs found on church property.
Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily.How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace. Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out allright. Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty LivesCome work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay low but the retirement benefits are out of this world. Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? --- (U R) Forbidden fruit creates many jams. In the dark? Follow the Son.Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."A young rabbinical student had studied for many years. At his graduation, an old rabbi, famed for his wisdom and insight spoke to his class. "And in conclusion," the old rabbi concluded. "Remember that life is like a fountain." These words struck the young rabbi as truly deep and inspiring. He took them to heart and throughout his career, when he was faced with a particularly difficult decision, he would always think back to them. Sometimes he thought the rabbi was saying that life, like a fountain could provide both beauty and sustenance, even in the hardest of times. Sometimes he thought therabbi was saying that no matter how wonderful were the works of man, it was the forces of nature that made them special. Sometimes he thought the rabbi meant that life, like water in a fountain, flowed round and round, and it was the tumbling over the bumps and precipices that provided the sweet sounds of life. Many upon many times he thought about the rabbi's words and each time they provided an insight into the particular problem he was facing. And he cherished those words with their many, many interpretations. But he always wondered what exactly the old rabbi had meant when he spoke them. Each time he came up with a new interpretation, he wondered if this was what the old man had meant. Many years passed. The young rabbi was himself an old man. He received word that the old rabbi was at death's door. He had to know and this was his last chance. He traveled to the old rabbi's town, entered his room and came to his bedside. He told the rabbi his story, of how those words had inspired him and how he had considered them so many times. "And so," he concluded, "I have come here to ask you this question. What did you mean when you said 'Life is like a fountain.'" The old rabbi looked up at him, squeezed his hand and replied, "O.K. So it's not like a fountain."

INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you. It is definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Last night I finished a bag of bbq potato chips, a Super Joe Louis, four coolers AND a box of chocolates I feel better already..... Pass this along to those you know who need Inner Peace.

When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked, how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!" A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?" "Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend. "Why's that?" the friend asked. "Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Trek?" "No," said the wife, "He's just a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down." A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” How do you tell the difference between an old whore and a young whore? A young whore uses K Y jelly and an old whore uses Polygrip.
If god were a woman…
1. Sex would smell like chocolate.2. Farts would smell like roses.3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.4. Babies would come from vending machines.5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.6. All women would have the same size breasts.7. There would be no cellulite.8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.10. There would be no "Tittie Bars".... Male Revue would continue.11. Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii.13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.16. Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.What's the best way to get a backseat driver to shut up? Stare at the person while he's talking.

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a." Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

The other day Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. She hit him over the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,Were tattoed with the price of brown ale.And on her behind,For the sake of the blind,Was the same information in braille"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,"To unzip, then deliver a screw.If virgins, when nervous,Resist postal service,I explain that the male must get through."

There was a young girl of Batonger,Used to diddle herself with a conger.When asked how it feelsTo be pleasured by eels,She said, "Just like a man, only longer."

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. I am a nutritional overachiever. I am having an out of money experience.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'. "Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

Did you know… that a can of Diet Coke will float in water while a can of regular Coke sinks. … that there are three golf balls sitting on the moon.
More Steven Wrightisms:
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

Top Ten Signs The Rolling Stones Are Getting Old
10. All shows have to finish 5:30 to take advantage of "early bird" specials
9. Videos appear on The History Channel instead of MTV
8. Changed lyrics from "Get off of my cloud" to "Get off of my lawn!"
7. Front row fans complaining of that "old person smell"
6. Opening act replaced in favor of Bingo
5. Stage costumes chosen based on "super absorbancy" rating
4. Concerts now feature naps after every fifth song
3. To appeal to the younger crowd, recently added bassist Strom Thurmond
2. There are no drugs left for Keith Richards to do
1. Two words: Sagging lips
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you." "No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!" Bernie Williams, the multi-talented and very classy centre-fielder for the New York Yankees is very well liked and has become a great role model for America’s black youth. It is not widely known that he is also a very accomplished cellist and has in fact even performed with electronic violin icon Bela Fleck. His idol growing up was none other than the esteemed cellist, Yo Yo Ma and it is rumoured that out of respect for his idol he now plays cello under the pseudonym Yo Ma Ma!

A young girl announced to her mother that she was in love and was going to marry a Greek sailor. The mother was not
happy with the idea of her daughter marrying a sailor, especially a Greek one. But she decided that since her daughter
was in love, she would give her some motherly advice. "If your husband wants you to have sex 'The Other Way,' don't do
it!", the mother warned. The daughter heeded her mother's advice for nearly a year. But one day, after a wild session of love making, curiosity got the best of her. The young woman asked her husband if they could have sex "The Other Way."
Her husband jumped out of bed and yelled, "What, and take a chance on having children?"
What do you call three hundred religious singers drinking diet cola and eating fruit? The Mormon Tab-and-Apple Choir. What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian? Vagitarian. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She had no control over her pupils It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens. The new bride awoke purring. Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom, she said, "Did you just brush your teeth?" The husband answered, "Yes, dear. And while I was at it, I brushed yours too." A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too! Two dogs were walking down the street when one rushed across the street and sniffed a fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages." Did you hear that the Mormon Church has acquired Starbuck's? Now they're going to change their name to the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latte-Day Saints. Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine out of ten. "I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
WHAT MARTHA COULD DO WHILE IN PRISON1. Decoupage license plates2. Paint a charming window scene in her prison cell3. Embroider her monogram on her lively orange jumpsuit4. Teach prison workers the fine art of nouvelle cuisine5. Create whimsical centerpieces out of cigarette butts and playing cards6. Soften the entrance of the prison with decorative wreaths made of barbed wire and chicken bones7. Be forced to make her cell mattress with sheets from her K-Mart collection8. Weave sun hats for daily outings to the highway for trash pickup detail9. Demonstrate the skills needed to decorate a wedding cake and how to conceal weapons10. Be tortured in solitary confinement with her own television show played 24 hours a day. A bunch of Polaks are sitting at a bar when Chanowski says," See those guys over there? I'm going over there and ask
them what they think of Polaks." He walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of them gives him he middle finger. When he returns to his buddies, one asks, " Well , what do they
think of Polaks? '' "We're still number one, " replies Chanowski. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "What on earth for?” she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with a rack like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere" The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V." He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6-0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at half-time 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino - he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino." The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede." Yeah, I did." the centipede replied. The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?" "I was putting on my shoes."
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I get the doorknob out of my ass."
Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well here it is:
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Bet you didn't know the history of that word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
Letter from the proverbial purveyor of guilt, the Jewish mother:
Dear Darling Son and that person you Married,Happy New Year and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your Mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren, God knows their Mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy, I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me we buried Bubbie last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Bertha and I dug her up and had the service all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman that you live with would have never let you come.. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?Well, son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now, I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and I'm grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.Now, don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is-the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.L'Shana Tova, Your Mamma A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about
that drink?"
YOU MAYBE A HO IF. . .
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
You go through a Sealy a week.
Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
When they change your area code to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
What do you call a lady with one leg? - Eileen.
What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg? - Irene!

Love those Country Song Titles:
Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me
The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long
Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy Salt Lake City viewers hoping to watch the stars of "Puppetry of the Penis" Wednesday night on the 'Tonight Show' didn't. A spokesperson for the local NBC affiliate, KSL-TV, which is owned by the Mormon Church, said the genital contortionists were not appropriate fare for the Salt Lake City community. He stated,"I find it immoral - and so do all of my wives!" Madonna says she wants to shed her Material Girl image and start helping the world. "I'd like to be more involved in making the world a better place," she told Britain's Daily Mirror. She could stop making films.
Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant!
A whole living elephant in very good health, for just one hundred dollars." Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?" "It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk." "You have to be kidding.... I have nothing to feed it ," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it." But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, each two feet long. It is a magnificent beast...and toilet trained. They don't make them like that anymore." "Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where the heck will I keep an elephant?" "You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant, its mate, for only $50 extra." Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"
Top Ten Signs your Police partner needs a vacation...
10) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
9) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and theother half is the "bad cop."
6) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
5) He keeps asking you if his bulletproof vest makes him look fat.
4) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
1) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. --Ernst Jan Plugge

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Two Polacks were driving east across the country. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD," so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!" The two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred guests. Then, she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, shewanted to fuck me. Then, she just stood up and walked to her bedroom, saying over her shoulder that I knew where the door was, if I wanted to leave. I sat there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door ... There, leaning against my car, was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but after all, I'm marrying their daughter, not them. I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president. "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?""Right decisions." "And how do you make right decisions?" "One word." "And, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words." "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions."
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow just chuckled and said, "You think I’m a moron? You came here for the food!" HOW TO STAY YOUNG1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


To Oct 18