"Barack Obama, now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn't it?" --Jay Leno
"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That's the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno
"Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people's tax returns are being audited." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho." --Jimmy Kimmel
"They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama's swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, some people are really angry because the festivities for Barack Obama's inauguration, guess what? Are gonna cost $170 million. Yeah, after hearing about it, Oprah said, 'Don't worry. This one's on me.' She put down her Amex card made of plutonium." --Conan O'Brien
"And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn't that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week." --Jay Leno
"Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. " --Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno
"Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?" --Craig Ferguson
"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno
"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch." --Jimmy Kimmel
"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat." --David Letterman
"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno
"As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who's been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn't pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that's $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program." --Jay Leno
"In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama's nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he's just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!" --Jay Leno
"A Democratic spokesman called the issue today 'an honest mistake.' How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake? Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don't pay their taxes, 'Oh, it's an honest mistake.' Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don't pay our taxes? 'Exhibit A for the prosecution.'" --Jay Leno
"And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it 'recession pounds.' Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we've been in a recession since 1985, okay?" --Jay Leno
"And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn." --Jay Leno
"Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people." --Jay Leno
Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, 'Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.'" --Jay Leno
"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people were throwing shoes at Al Gore" --David Letterman
"Last night, Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, 'My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.' Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, 'What was your greatest achievement as President?'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. They've had a few meetings and he's giving Obama advice. Yeah. President Bush has told Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack. Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I like that the President doesn't know where his money is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is either, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get himself one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he’s in his room and figures, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line sir, you need to press 9."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
A guy says to his wife, "Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?" She replies, "I’d take half then leave you." So he says, "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here’s a fiver- now fuck off!
Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in Florida Newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Mother Goose for the Aging population:
Jack and Jill
Jogged up the hill,
Their breath came
faster and faster.
Before the top
They made a stop,
Narrowly averting
A myocardial disaster
Jack tried to be nimble.
He tried to be quick.
He shot hoops with young guys
And ruptured a disc.
Poor Mrs. Fifty
Was not feeling nifty,
Eating her low fat Swiss cheese.
When she was twenty
She used to eat plenty
And never gained weight
Round her knees.
Osteoporosis
Please leave me alone
For I’ve grown attached
To my every bone.
Tinkle, tinkle in a jar.
Yearly check-up here you are.
My LDL is much too high
I’m sure my pressure’s reached the sky.
Why’s his finger up so far?
I wish I’d never left my car.
Middle-aged Mervin
Went to the surgeon
To affix to his scalp some new hair.
But when he awoke
He looked worse than a joke
And he wished that he’d left
His head bare.
A Lady’s Lament
Oh where, oh where
Has my estrogen gone?
Oh where, oh where
Can it be?
I was once young and fair
Now I sprout facial hair.
Oh hormones please
Come back to me.
Dieter’s Lament
Low-fat cake, no-cal shake
Pritikin man,
I’ve tried every diet
From here to Japan.
I’ve poached it, I’ve steamed it,
I’ve drunk herbal tea.
I think from now on
I’ll just let myself be.
Stock market, stock market
I’m down on my knees;
You’ve got to recover
I’m begging you please.
I’d gotten used to easy cash
My wife and I had quite a stash.
Stock market, stock market
Please go higher
If you crash we can never retire.
The Tao of Doing and Being:
To be or not to be. - William Shakespeare's Hamlet
Cogito ergo sum. (I think, therefore I am.) - Rene Descartes
I am what I do. Martin Buber
To do is to be. – Rene Descartes
To be is to do. – Jean Paul Sartre
Do-be-do-be-do. - Frank Sinatra
Do be a Do Bee, don't be a Don't Bee. - Miss Connie from Romper Room
Scooby Dooby Doo. - Scooby Doo
Yabba Dabba Doo. - Fred Flintstone
Inka Dinka Doo. - Jimmy Durante
Boop Boop be Doop - Betty Boop
De do do do, de da da da. - The Police
Doo Wah Diddy. - Manfred Mann
Doh! - Homer Simpson
I yam what I yam. – Popeye
I am. - God
God is dead! – Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead! – God
A man sat at a metro station in Washington, DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. Three minutes went by and a middle-aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule. A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the basket and without stopping, continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work. The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurrying, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on. In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars! Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out a theatre in Boston with the seats averaged $100.00 each. This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour...Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context? One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the finest musicians in the world playing some of the most wonderful music ever written, how many other things are we missing?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday Funnies January 16 09
"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno
"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno
"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien
"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien
"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien
"Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, 'Do these pants make me look like we're in a recession?,' be careful what you say." --Jay Leno
"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno
"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman
"Here's good news, President-elect Barack Obama and his family have actually now moved into Washington, DC, this week. Their stuff arrived via U-Haul One." --David Letterman
"Hey, here's great news. Remember Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, governor of Alaska? Well, she has a new grandson. New baby grandson, that's right. And the new baby boy's name is Tripp. Apparently 'Oops' was taken." --David Letterman
"But the governor was very excited. She brought the grandson over to her house and held it up to the window so the Russians could get a look at it." --David Letterman
"But it was quite an event. The baby was delivered by Joe the obstetrician." --David Letterman
"The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?" --Jay Leno
"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno
"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers
"Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth Meyers
"During the meeting, Bill Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, 'I love this rug.' Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle." --Seth Meyers
"Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm."
"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman
"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman
"ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It's called 'Homeland Security USA,' or, as they call it in Afghanistan, 'the Terrorist Learning Channel.'" --Jay Leno
"First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, 'Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or seven words.'" --Jay Leno
"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno
"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien
"It was an exciting day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new, gold-rimmed official state china that cost $493,000. But don't worry, it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who would donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she'd been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. But it's probably for the best. You can't trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Bushes, by the way, aren't the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan and Clinton all had it, too. Though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill. One time she really nailed him with a gravy boat. So that's missing too. But I'll tell you something, nothing, to me, says recession like spending half a million dollars on dinnerware." --Jimmy Kimmel
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, And she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?” the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do.'' "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it." ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"
So it’s -20C outside. Brrrrrr! Here’s something you may not know.
On old war ships, it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?
Sentimental Poems
A Woman’s Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
A Man’s Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
great boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. 'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. 'Now tell him you have a headache.'
So I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.
The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.
At breakfast a wife asks her retired husband, "Whatcha doin' today?" He said, "Nothin’." She said, "You did that yesterday." He said, "I wasn't finished."
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The young officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....Your badge! Show him your badge!'
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill of r $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.’
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and Get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno
"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien
"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien
"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien
"Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, 'Do these pants make me look like we're in a recession?,' be careful what you say." --Jay Leno
"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno
"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman
"Here's good news, President-elect Barack Obama and his family have actually now moved into Washington, DC, this week. Their stuff arrived via U-Haul One." --David Letterman
"Hey, here's great news. Remember Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, governor of Alaska? Well, she has a new grandson. New baby grandson, that's right. And the new baby boy's name is Tripp. Apparently 'Oops' was taken." --David Letterman
"But the governor was very excited. She brought the grandson over to her house and held it up to the window so the Russians could get a look at it." --David Letterman
"But it was quite an event. The baby was delivered by Joe the obstetrician." --David Letterman
"The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?" --Jay Leno
"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno
"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers
"Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth Meyers
"During the meeting, Bill Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, 'I love this rug.' Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle." --Seth Meyers
"Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm."
"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman
"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman
"ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It's called 'Homeland Security USA,' or, as they call it in Afghanistan, 'the Terrorist Learning Channel.'" --Jay Leno
"First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, 'Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or seven words.'" --Jay Leno
"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno
"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien
"It was an exciting day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new, gold-rimmed official state china that cost $493,000. But don't worry, it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who would donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she'd been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. But it's probably for the best. You can't trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Bushes, by the way, aren't the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan and Clinton all had it, too. Though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill. One time she really nailed him with a gravy boat. So that's missing too. But I'll tell you something, nothing, to me, says recession like spending half a million dollars on dinnerware." --Jimmy Kimmel
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, And she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?” the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do.'' "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it." ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"
So it’s -20C outside. Brrrrrr! Here’s something you may not know.
On old war ships, it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?
Sentimental Poems
A Woman’s Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
A Man’s Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
great boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. 'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. 'Now tell him you have a headache.'
So I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.
The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.
At breakfast a wife asks her retired husband, "Whatcha doin' today?" He said, "Nothin’." She said, "You did that yesterday." He said, "I wasn't finished."
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The young officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....Your badge! Show him your badge!'
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill of r $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.’
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and Get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Friday Funnies January 9 09
"Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? " --David Letterman
"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman
"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman
"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman
"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno
"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno
"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans. --Jay Leno
"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno
"A new survey indicates that Barack Obama is the most admired man in America. Most admired man in America. That makes pretty good sense, don't you think? I'm also on the list, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a little farther down. I'm between Richard Simmons and Bernie Madoff. But I'm on the list." --David Letterman
"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman
"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien
"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier today, Barack Obama's daughters started at their new school in Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level." --Conan O'Brien
"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay Leno
"First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'" --Jay Leno
"And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama spent his first full day in Washington since coming back from his vacation in Hawaii, but no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson." --Jay Leno
"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno
"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno
"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel
"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at the Presidents' Lunch
10. Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore.
9. If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday.
8. Laura! More Mountain Dew!
7. You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
6. Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!
5. Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!
4. Kissey kissey.
3. Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt.
2. Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?
1. I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full
Goodbye Dubya!
President George W. Bush will leave behind a legacy of Bushisms, the label stamped on the U.S. leaders original speaking style. Some of the president's more notable malapropisms and mangled statements:
-"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.
-"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" - January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.
-"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander-in-chief, too." - Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.
-"There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." - Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.
- "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." - April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.
- "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." - April 18, 2002, at the White House.
-"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.
-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defence spending bill.
-"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.
- "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." - April 20, 2005, in Washington.
- "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." - Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.
-"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbours back into neighbourhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." - Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of hurricane Katrina.
-"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." - June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.
-"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." - Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
- "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." - June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.
- "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." - September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.
-"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict to the White House.
-"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." - May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.
-"And they have no disregard for human life." - July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.
- "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." - June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.
-"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." - July 4, 2008 in Virginia.
- "This thaw - took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they're supposed to be.
Then there was the blonde who named her pet zebra ‘Spot.’
Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.
If you believe that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, know that you’re aiming a little too high.
Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside!
Some bosses are like clouds – the minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets brighter!
To err is human – to blame someone else for your problem is strategic.
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understandabout
'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funerals,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!
Comments made 54 years ago in 1955:
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents per gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible.. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call "astronauts" preparing for it down in Texas.'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women ar having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of 'foreign' business!
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on..'
'There is no sense going for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman
"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman
"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman
"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno
"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno
"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans. --Jay Leno
"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno
"A new survey indicates that Barack Obama is the most admired man in America. Most admired man in America. That makes pretty good sense, don't you think? I'm also on the list, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a little farther down. I'm between Richard Simmons and Bernie Madoff. But I'm on the list." --David Letterman
"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman
"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien
"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier today, Barack Obama's daughters started at their new school in Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level." --Conan O'Brien
"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay Leno
"First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'" --Jay Leno
"And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama spent his first full day in Washington since coming back from his vacation in Hawaii, but no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson." --Jay Leno
"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno
"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno
"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel
"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman
David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at the Presidents' Lunch
10. Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore.
9. If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday.
8. Laura! More Mountain Dew!
7. You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
6. Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!
5. Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!
4. Kissey kissey.
3. Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt.
2. Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?
1. I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full
Goodbye Dubya!
President George W. Bush will leave behind a legacy of Bushisms, the label stamped on the U.S. leaders original speaking style. Some of the president's more notable malapropisms and mangled statements:
-"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.
-"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" - January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.
-"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander-in-chief, too." - Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.
-"There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." - Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.
- "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." - April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.
- "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." - April 18, 2002, at the White House.
-"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.
-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defence spending bill.
-"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.
- "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." - April 20, 2005, in Washington.
- "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." - Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.
-"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbours back into neighbourhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." - Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of hurricane Katrina.
-"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." - June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.
-"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." - Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
- "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." - June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.
- "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." - September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.
-"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict to the White House.
-"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." - May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.
-"And they have no disregard for human life." - July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.
- "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." - June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.
-"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." - July 4, 2008 in Virginia.
- "This thaw - took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they're supposed to be.
Then there was the blonde who named her pet zebra ‘Spot.’
Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.
If you believe that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, know that you’re aiming a little too high.
Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside!
Some bosses are like clouds – the minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets brighter!
To err is human – to blame someone else for your problem is strategic.
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understandabout
'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funerals,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!
Comments made 54 years ago in 1955:
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents per gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible.. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call "astronauts" preparing for it down in Texas.'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women ar having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of 'foreign' business!
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on..'
'There is no sense going for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Friday Funnies January 2 09
By Wendy Heuvel, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
T’was three weeks before Christmas, when all through the house
The opposition was stirring, even Layton - the louse.
The dealings were waved in front of noses in the air,
In hopes that a Coalition soon would be there.
The Blocs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of separatism danced in their heads.
And Jack in his ‘kerchief, and Stéphane - the sap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When all across the country there arose such a clatter,
Dion insisted, it didn’t really matter.
Away out the window, he threw with a flash,
The results of the election, amid the backlash.
The moon on the breast of Elizabeth May,
Suggested she might still be able to play.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a weasely Frenchman with promises dear.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Jack Layton, the dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
"Now Dion! now, Duceppe! Now Mays - you vixen!
Let’s get together, It’s time to Listen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let’s unite! Let’s unite! Separatists and all!"
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Canadians, not aloof.
They drew in their heads, and turned around,
And down the chimney St Harper came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his feet,
Letting them know he wouldn’t be easy to defeat.
A bundle of Tories he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a King, with nothing to lack.
His eyes-how they glared! his fists, how clenched!
He stands for democracy, and won’t see it trenched!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
For the governor-general soon would appear.
The promise of dissolving he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it caused encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
And wanted to bury Dion in a bowlful of jelly!
Harper was elected by Canadians, voted in fair,
Not a Weasel, not a Separatist, not the guy with no hair!
With them getting together, it will have to be said,
Canadians will face the future with dread.
Harper spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Shook his head in disgust, then turned to the jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
Trying to teach Canadians, what this is about.
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"This is the end of democracy, C’mon lets fight!"
…….and another one for the older folk:
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker in hope,
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop ~
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?," "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled, chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang - how we sang - in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Don't laugh, soon you'll be with us. We wish you the best!
Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock a mystery. Why did their wives, who had accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style, once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process begins - the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, Altar, Hymn. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Then finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed. She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks, 'I'll alter him'.
Degree Courses For Women:
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner’s toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: The art of swallowing.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.
Nathan and Estelle, both in their 80s, are in the middle of making love one night when Nathan suddenly collapses. Estelle immediately phones for help. Doctor Myers arrives within 10 minutes but when he examines Nathan he has to tell Estelle that her husband is dead. "So what happened here tonight, Estelle?" asks the doctor. "We were making love and my Nathan was ‘on top,’ if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden he gets a glazed look in his eyes. I naturally thought he was coming, but now I know he was going!"
Mensa Invitational
Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the
winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!!!! Welcome to 'The Expanded Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz.' Take the quiz and see how you score as a true 'Oldies Fan.' Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end. Don't cheat, now!
1. When did 'Little Suzie' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. 'Rock Around The Clock' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm
4. :I found my thrill . . .' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill
5. 'Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,:
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun
7. He asked, 'Why's everybody always pickin' on me?' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown
8. Bobby Darin's 'Mack The Knife,' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara
9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.'
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term
'Rock And Roll'?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers are . . ..
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with 'Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb. 'What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with 'Book Of Love':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called 'Till I ________ You.'
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met
20. Chuck Berry sang 'Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?'
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline
21. 'Wooly _______'
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully
22. 'I'm like a one-eyed cat . . .
(a) can't go into town no more.
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor.
(c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. 'Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . .'
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze.
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise.
24. 'They often call me Speedo, but my real name is . . ..'
(a) Mr. Earl.
(b) Jackie Pearl.
(c) Milton Berle.
25. 'You're my Fanny and nobody else's . . ..'
(a) girl.
(b) butt.
(c) love.
26. 'I want you to play with my . . . '
(a) heart.
(b) dreams.
(c) ding a ling.
27. 'Be Bop A Lula . . .'
(a) she's got the rabies.
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe.
28. 'Fine Love, Fine Kissing . . ..'.
(a) right here.
(b) fifty cents.
(c) just for you.
29. 'He wore black denim trousers and . . .'
(a) a pink carnation.
(b) pink leotards.
(c) motorcycle boots.
30. 'I got a gal named . . .'
(a) Jenny Zamboni.
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney.
Answers: Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).
1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4... (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
24. (a) Mr. Earl.
25. (b) butt.
26. (c) ding a ling.
27. (b) she's my baby.
28. (a) right here.
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney.
Ode to Toronto
It's winter in Toronto
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Toronto
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Toronto
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
T’was three weeks before Christmas, when all through the house
The opposition was stirring, even Layton - the louse.
The dealings were waved in front of noses in the air,
In hopes that a Coalition soon would be there.
The Blocs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of separatism danced in their heads.
And Jack in his ‘kerchief, and Stéphane - the sap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When all across the country there arose such a clatter,
Dion insisted, it didn’t really matter.
Away out the window, he threw with a flash,
The results of the election, amid the backlash.
The moon on the breast of Elizabeth May,
Suggested she might still be able to play.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a weasely Frenchman with promises dear.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Jack Layton, the dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
"Now Dion! now, Duceppe! Now Mays - you vixen!
Let’s get together, It’s time to Listen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let’s unite! Let’s unite! Separatists and all!"
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Canadians, not aloof.
They drew in their heads, and turned around,
And down the chimney St Harper came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his feet,
Letting them know he wouldn’t be easy to defeat.
A bundle of Tories he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a King, with nothing to lack.
His eyes-how they glared! his fists, how clenched!
He stands for democracy, and won’t see it trenched!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
For the governor-general soon would appear.
The promise of dissolving he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it caused encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
And wanted to bury Dion in a bowlful of jelly!
Harper was elected by Canadians, voted in fair,
Not a Weasel, not a Separatist, not the guy with no hair!
With them getting together, it will have to be said,
Canadians will face the future with dread.
Harper spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Shook his head in disgust, then turned to the jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
Trying to teach Canadians, what this is about.
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"This is the end of democracy, C’mon lets fight!"
…….and another one for the older folk:
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker in hope,
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop ~
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?," "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled, chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang - how we sang - in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Don't laugh, soon you'll be with us. We wish you the best!
Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock a mystery. Why did their wives, who had accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style, once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process begins - the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, Altar, Hymn. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Then finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed. She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks, 'I'll alter him'.
Degree Courses For Women:
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner’s toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: The art of swallowing.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.
Nathan and Estelle, both in their 80s, are in the middle of making love one night when Nathan suddenly collapses. Estelle immediately phones for help. Doctor Myers arrives within 10 minutes but when he examines Nathan he has to tell Estelle that her husband is dead. "So what happened here tonight, Estelle?" asks the doctor. "We were making love and my Nathan was ‘on top,’ if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden he gets a glazed look in his eyes. I naturally thought he was coming, but now I know he was going!"
Mensa Invitational
Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the
winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!!!! Welcome to 'The Expanded Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz.' Take the quiz and see how you score as a true 'Oldies Fan.' Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end. Don't cheat, now!
1. When did 'Little Suzie' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. 'Rock Around The Clock' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm
4. :I found my thrill . . .' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill
5. 'Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,:
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun
7. He asked, 'Why's everybody always pickin' on me?' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown
8. Bobby Darin's 'Mack The Knife,' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara
9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.'
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term
'Rock And Roll'?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers are . . ..
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with 'Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb. 'What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with 'Book Of Love':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called 'Till I ________ You.'
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met
20. Chuck Berry sang 'Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?'
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline
21. 'Wooly _______'
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully
22. 'I'm like a one-eyed cat . . .
(a) can't go into town no more.
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor.
(c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. 'Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . .'
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze.
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise.
24. 'They often call me Speedo, but my real name is . . ..'
(a) Mr. Earl.
(b) Jackie Pearl.
(c) Milton Berle.
25. 'You're my Fanny and nobody else's . . ..'
(a) girl.
(b) butt.
(c) love.
26. 'I want you to play with my . . . '
(a) heart.
(b) dreams.
(c) ding a ling.
27. 'Be Bop A Lula . . .'
(a) she's got the rabies.
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe.
28. 'Fine Love, Fine Kissing . . ..'.
(a) right here.
(b) fifty cents.
(c) just for you.
29. 'He wore black denim trousers and . . .'
(a) a pink carnation.
(b) pink leotards.
(c) motorcycle boots.
30. 'I got a gal named . . .'
(a) Jenny Zamboni.
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney.
Answers: Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).
1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4... (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
24. (a) Mr. Earl.
25. (b) butt.
26. (c) ding a ling.
27. (b) she's my baby.
28. (a) right here.
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney.
Ode to Toronto
It's winter in Toronto
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Toronto
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Toronto
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday Funnies December 26 08
"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien
"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno
"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman
"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman
"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien
"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him." --Jay Leno
"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno
"And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno
"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien
"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno
"That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno
"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno
"The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail!'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien
"In order to deal with the bad economy, every government now is trying to come up with ideas. The governor of New York wants to put a tax on massages. Yeah, the tax will be known as the unhappy ending tax." --Conan O'Brien
"The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil." --Jay Leno
TEN HOLIDAY EATING TIPS!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #2.
4. As for the mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
Things you can say at Christmas:
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning!
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
Tampax are changing their design and are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....of course this is for the Christmas period only!
If you do find yourself imbibing somewhat over the holidays, remember the words of Cliff Claven and his Buffalo Theory of Intelligence:
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says. "Training for position in Canadian Parliament: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
If women are so perfect at multitasking why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, ‘cause there's no fuckin’ way I can pass that test!"
A timely reworking of an old De Gaulle joke:
At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Dion and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet will retirement seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame Dion. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next. Stephane leaned over to his wife and said, "In Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Here's news about the next planned "Survivor" show.
Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.
Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me. "I'm the president," I replied.
There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something."
A man was packing for a business trip while his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. He said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Three Jewish mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Goldstein with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach." "That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Cohen proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Epstein sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jill does.
Nobody." "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her. "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a $150 an hour - just to talk about me!"
A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was >> not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.' 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.' 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a few bottles of beer every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
I must be getting old. When someone asked me my favourite intersection in Toronto I replied, “Bin dere, Dundas”
"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno
"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman
"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman
"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien
"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him." --Jay Leno
"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno
"And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno
"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien
"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno
"That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno
"President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him." --Jay Leno
"The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail!'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien
"In order to deal with the bad economy, every government now is trying to come up with ideas. The governor of New York wants to put a tax on massages. Yeah, the tax will be known as the unhappy ending tax." --Conan O'Brien
"The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil." --Jay Leno
TEN HOLIDAY EATING TIPS!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #2.
4. As for the mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
Things you can say at Christmas:
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning!
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
Tampax are changing their design and are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....of course this is for the Christmas period only!
If you do find yourself imbibing somewhat over the holidays, remember the words of Cliff Claven and his Buffalo Theory of Intelligence:
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says. "Training for position in Canadian Parliament: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
If women are so perfect at multitasking why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, ‘cause there's no fuckin’ way I can pass that test!"
A timely reworking of an old De Gaulle joke:
At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Dion and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet will retirement seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame Dion. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next. Stephane leaned over to his wife and said, "In Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Here's news about the next planned "Survivor" show.
Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.
Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me. "I'm the president," I replied.
There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something."
A man was packing for a business trip while his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. He said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Three Jewish mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Goldstein with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach." "That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Cohen proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Epstein sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jill does.
Nobody." "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her. "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a $150 an hour - just to talk about me!"
A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was >> not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.' 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.' 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a few bottles of beer every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
I must be getting old. When someone asked me my favourite intersection in Toronto I replied, “Bin dere, Dundas”
Friday Funnies December 19 08
"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno
"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno
"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno
"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" --Conan O'Brien
"So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he's shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn't hit him." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman
"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson
"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson
"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson
"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman
"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that." --Jay Leno
"Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money." --Jay Leno
"But not everyone's revved up about the proposed auto industry bailout deal. Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,' or just 'ass backwards'. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards is not so much common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart
"So, someone used a very mild vulgarity on the floor of the House. You might wonder, how will the news networks react to this? Well, it depend on what you're watching [on screen: some networks report on Vitter's comments and use them, in their entirety, on air. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer asks why he couldn't have said 'bass ackwards'. Oh, Contessa Brewer. If you enjoyed that exchange, you might enjoy her new book, 'Sock-Cucker, Fother-Mucker and a Thousand and One Other Ways to Ineffectively Conceal Profanity.' You know, I enjoyed this book. I actually did a blurb for the book when it first came out. I don't even remember what I said, I think if I could read it for you now. 'Reading this was a real cunch to the punt.' ... Why didn't I say dunch to the pick? I don't know." --Jon Stewart
"Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. He wanted the plea changed from 'guilty' to just 'jiggling the wrong handle'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain." --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter." --Jay Leno
"Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." --David Letterman
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
A top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally (A tautological statement, the linguistic equivalent of having chips with rice.)
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Other phrases to irritate people are "literally" and "ironically", when they are used out of context. We grow tired of anything that is repeated too often – an anecdote, a joke, a mannerism – and the same seems to happen with some language.
Oldie Goldie of topical interest:
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' 'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' 'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.' The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' 'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her", he said. 'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' 1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
Scary information about Wal-Mart:
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
1. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
13. Let Wal-Mart do it. (Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street and the Automakers!)
Walking down the street I saw a shaggy baggy man begging with a sign "will work for food". I told him not to worry, my broker says things will bounce back. He said, "I am your broker!"
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."
Mexican words of the day:
1. Cheese - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder - My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. Wheelchair - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
10. Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. Harassment - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. Body wash - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. Budweiser - That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
You know I don't know where the time goes. Monica Lewinsky turned 35 this year. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?
Some Groaners:
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man walked into the doctor's office and his doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
"Doc, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome.' "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said 'Is that the local swimming pool?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy some dope......press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother John. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's John.
Anger Management:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax …It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
JEWISH VS. GOYISH
Judges are Jewish Juries are Goyish
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is Goyish
Ordering family style is Jewish Ordering a la carte is Goyish
Cruises are Jewish Walking tours are Goyish
Laugh-In was Jewish Hee Haw was Goyish
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet is Jewish Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
Bunions are Jewish Flat feet are Goyish
Simon Says is Jewish The Hokey Pokey is Goyish
"Bewitched" is Jewish "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish
The Limbo is Jewish Line dancing is Goyish
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish
GOYISH VS. JEWISH
Fruitcake is Goyish Fruit and cake is Jewish
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
ESPN is Goyish PBS is Jewish
Tiffany's is Goyish Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
Passing bars is Goyish Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
Mary Kay is Goyish Murray the K is Jewish
The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish
Morbidly obese is Goyish Baby fat is Jewish
West Coast is Goyish East Coast is Jewish
Luncheon meat is Goyish Deli is Jewish
White bread is Goyish Rye is Jewish
Sushi is Jewish Chopsticks are Goyish
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
"Youngsters" are Goyish "Kids" are Jewish
Buttering bread is Goyish Spreading margarine is Jewish
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
White sox are Goyish No sox are Jewish
Saving Money is Goyish Investing money is Jewish
Snowmobiling is Goyish Skiing is Jewish
Doing Landscaping is Goyish Hiring a landscaper is Jewish
Beer is Goyish Wine is Jewish
A party revolving around the buffet table is Jewish One that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
Picking nuts is Goyish Nitpicking is Jewish
NASCAR is Goyish. Period.
Let's just finish off by noting that making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ... is VERY Jewish!!
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve my baked apple."
From the Old Farmer's Almanac:
Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
KINDNESS in another's trouble,
COURAGE in your own.
–Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833–70)
"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno
"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno
"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" --Conan O'Brien
"So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he's shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn't hit him." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman
"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson
"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson
"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson
"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson
"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman
"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that." --Jay Leno
"Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money." --Jay Leno
"But not everyone's revved up about the proposed auto industry bailout deal. Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,' or just 'ass backwards'. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards is not so much common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart
"So, someone used a very mild vulgarity on the floor of the House. You might wonder, how will the news networks react to this? Well, it depend on what you're watching [on screen: some networks report on Vitter's comments and use them, in their entirety, on air. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer asks why he couldn't have said 'bass ackwards'. Oh, Contessa Brewer. If you enjoyed that exchange, you might enjoy her new book, 'Sock-Cucker, Fother-Mucker and a Thousand and One Other Ways to Ineffectively Conceal Profanity.' You know, I enjoyed this book. I actually did a blurb for the book when it first came out. I don't even remember what I said, I think if I could read it for you now. 'Reading this was a real cunch to the punt.' ... Why didn't I say dunch to the pick? I don't know." --Jon Stewart
"Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. He wanted the plea changed from 'guilty' to just 'jiggling the wrong handle'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain." --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter." --Jay Leno
"Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." --David Letterman
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
A top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally (A tautological statement, the linguistic equivalent of having chips with rice.)
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Other phrases to irritate people are "literally" and "ironically", when they are used out of context. We grow tired of anything that is repeated too often – an anecdote, a joke, a mannerism – and the same seems to happen with some language.
Oldie Goldie of topical interest:
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' 'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' 'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.' The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' 'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her", he said. 'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' 1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
Scary information about Wal-Mart:
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
1. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
13. Let Wal-Mart do it. (Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street and the Automakers!)
Walking down the street I saw a shaggy baggy man begging with a sign "will work for food". I told him not to worry, my broker says things will bounce back. He said, "I am your broker!"
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."
Mexican words of the day:
1. Cheese - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder - My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. Wheelchair - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
10. Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. Harassment - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. Body wash - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. Budweiser - That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
You know I don't know where the time goes. Monica Lewinsky turned 35 this year. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?
Some Groaners:
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man walked into the doctor's office and his doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
"Doc, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome.' "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said 'Is that the local swimming pool?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy some dope......press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother John. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's John.
Anger Management:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax …It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
JEWISH VS. GOYISH
Judges are Jewish Juries are Goyish
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is Goyish
Ordering family style is Jewish Ordering a la carte is Goyish
Cruises are Jewish Walking tours are Goyish
Laugh-In was Jewish Hee Haw was Goyish
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet is Jewish Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
Bunions are Jewish Flat feet are Goyish
Simon Says is Jewish The Hokey Pokey is Goyish
"Bewitched" is Jewish "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish
The Limbo is Jewish Line dancing is Goyish
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish
GOYISH VS. JEWISH
Fruitcake is Goyish Fruit and cake is Jewish
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
ESPN is Goyish PBS is Jewish
Tiffany's is Goyish Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
Passing bars is Goyish Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
Mary Kay is Goyish Murray the K is Jewish
The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish
Morbidly obese is Goyish Baby fat is Jewish
West Coast is Goyish East Coast is Jewish
Luncheon meat is Goyish Deli is Jewish
White bread is Goyish Rye is Jewish
Sushi is Jewish Chopsticks are Goyish
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
"Youngsters" are Goyish "Kids" are Jewish
Buttering bread is Goyish Spreading margarine is Jewish
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
White sox are Goyish No sox are Jewish
Saving Money is Goyish Investing money is Jewish
Snowmobiling is Goyish Skiing is Jewish
Doing Landscaping is Goyish Hiring a landscaper is Jewish
Beer is Goyish Wine is Jewish
A party revolving around the buffet table is Jewish One that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
Picking nuts is Goyish Nitpicking is Jewish
NASCAR is Goyish. Period.
Let's just finish off by noting that making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ... is VERY Jewish!!
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve my baked apple."
From the Old Farmer's Almanac:
Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
KINDNESS in another's trouble,
COURAGE in your own.
–Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833–70)
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