Friday Funnies January 2 09

By Wendy Heuvel, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

T’was three weeks before Christmas, when all through the house
The opposition was stirring, even Layton - the louse.
The dealings were waved in front of noses in the air,
In hopes that a Coalition soon would be there.

The Blocs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of separatism danced in their heads.
And Jack in his ‘kerchief, and Stéphane - the sap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

When all across the country there arose such a clatter,
Dion insisted, it didn’t really matter.
Away out the window, he threw with a flash,
The results of the election, amid the backlash.

The moon on the breast of Elizabeth May,
Suggested she might still be able to play.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a weasely Frenchman with promises dear.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Jack Layton, the dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

"Now Dion! now, Duceppe! Now Mays - you vixen!
Let’s get together, It’s time to Listen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let’s unite! Let’s unite! Separatists and all!"

And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Canadians, not aloof.
They drew in their heads, and turned around,
And down the chimney St Harper came with a bound.

He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his feet,
Letting them know he wouldn’t be easy to defeat.
A bundle of Tories he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a King, with nothing to lack.

His eyes-how they glared! his fists, how clenched!
He stands for democracy, and won’t see it trenched!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
For the governor-general soon would appear.

The promise of dissolving he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it caused encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
And wanted to bury Dion in a bowlful of jelly!

Harper was elected by Canadians, voted in fair,
Not a Weasel, not a Separatist, not the guy with no hair!
With them getting together, it will have to be said,
Canadians will face the future with dread.

Harper spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Shook his head in disgust, then turned to the jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
Trying to teach Canadians, what this is about.
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"This is the end of democracy, C’mon lets fight!"

…….and another one for the older folk:

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker in hope,
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop ~
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?," "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled, chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang - how we sang - in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Don't laugh, soon you'll be with us. We wish you the best!

Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock a mystery. Why did their wives, who had accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style, once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process begins - the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, Altar, Hymn. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Aisle, Altar, Hymn.... Then finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed. She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks, 'I'll alter him'.

Degree Courses For Women:
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner’s toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: The art of swallowing.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Nathan and Estelle, both in their 80s, are in the middle of making love one night when Nathan suddenly collapses. Estelle immediately phones for help. Doctor Myers arrives within 10 minutes but when he examines Nathan he has to tell Estelle that her husband is dead. "So what happened here tonight, Estelle?" asks the doctor. "We were making love and my Nathan was ‘on top,’ if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden he gets a glazed look in his eyes. I naturally thought he was coming, but now I know he was going!"

Mensa Invitational

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the
winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!!!! Welcome to 'The Expanded Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz.' Take the quiz and see how you score as a true 'Oldies Fan.' Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end. Don't cheat, now!

1. When did 'Little Suzie' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. 'Rock Around The Clock' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4. :I found my thrill . . .' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5. 'Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,:
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, 'Why's everybody always pickin' on me?' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8. Bobby Darin's 'Mack The Knife,' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.'
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term
'Rock And Roll'?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are . . ..
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with 'Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb. 'What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with 'Book Of Love':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called 'Till I ________ You.'
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang 'Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?'
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline

21. 'Wooly _______'
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. 'I'm like a one-eyed cat . . .
(a) can't go into town no more.
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor.
(c) peepin' in a seafood store.

23. 'Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . .'
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze.
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise.

24. 'They often call me Speedo, but my real name is . . ..'
(a) Mr. Earl.
(b) Jackie Pearl.
(c) Milton Berle.

25. 'You're my Fanny and nobody else's . . ..'
(a) girl.
(b) butt.
(c) love.

26. 'I want you to play with my . . . '
(a) heart.
(b) dreams.
(c) ding a ling.

27. 'Be Bop A Lula . . .'
(a) she's got the rabies.
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe.

28. 'Fine Love, Fine Kissing . . ..'.
(a) right here.
(b) fifty cents.
(c) just for you.

29. 'He wore black denim trousers and . . .'
(a) a pink carnation.
(b) pink leotards.
(c) motorcycle boots.

30. 'I got a gal named . . .'
(a) Jenny Zamboni.
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney.


Answers: Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).


1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4... (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store.
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
24. (a) Mr. Earl.
25. (b) butt.
26. (c) ding a ling.
27. (b) she's my baby.
28. (a) right here.
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney.

Ode to Toronto
It's winter in Toronto
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Toronto
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Toronto
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!