Friday Funnies January 23 09

"Barack Obama, now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn't it?" --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That's the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people's tax returns are being audited." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama's swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, some people are really angry because the festivities for Barack Obama's inauguration, guess what? Are gonna cost $170 million. Yeah, after hearing about it, Oprah said, 'Don't worry. This one's on me.' She put down her Amex card made of plutonium." --Conan O'Brien

"And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn't that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week." --Jay Leno

"Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. " --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that's how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes." --Jay Leno

"Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?" --Craig Ferguson

"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch." --Jimmy Kimmel

"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But I want to tell you, it's so cold. It's so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat." --David Letterman

"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who's been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn't pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that's $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program." --Jay Leno

"In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama's nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he's just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!" --Jay Leno

"A Democratic spokesman called the issue today 'an honest mistake.' How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake? Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don't pay their taxes, 'Oh, it's an honest mistake.' Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don't pay our taxes? 'Exhibit A for the prosecution.'" --Jay Leno

"And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it 'recession pounds.' Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we've been in a recession since 1985, okay?" --Jay Leno

"And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn." --Jay Leno

"Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people." --Jay Leno

Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, 'Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.'" --Jay Leno

"Cold, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people were throwing shoes at Al Gore" --David Letterman

"Last night, Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, 'My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.' Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, 'What was your greatest achievement as President?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. They've had a few meetings and he's giving Obama advice. Yeah. President Bush has told Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack. Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I like that the President doesn't know where his money is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is either, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get himself one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he’s in his room and figures, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line sir, you need to press 9."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

A guy says to his wife, "Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?" She replies, "I’d take half then leave you." So he says, "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here’s a fiver- now fuck off!

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in Florida Newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Mother Goose for the Aging population:

Jack and Jill
Jogged up the hill,
Their breath came
faster and faster.

Before the top
They made a stop,
Narrowly averting
A myocardial disaster


Jack tried to be nimble.
He tried to be quick.
He shot hoops with young guys
And ruptured a disc.


Poor Mrs. Fifty
Was not feeling nifty,
Eating her low fat Swiss cheese.

When she was twenty
She used to eat plenty
And never gained weight
Round her knees.


Osteoporosis
Please leave me alone
For I’ve grown attached
To my every bone.


Tinkle, tinkle in a jar.
Yearly check-up here you are.

My LDL is much too high
I’m sure my pressure’s reached the sky.

Why’s his finger up so far?
I wish I’d never left my car.


Middle-aged Mervin
Went to the surgeon
To affix to his scalp some new hair.
But when he awoke
He looked worse than a joke
And he wished that he’d left
His head bare.

A Lady’s Lament

Oh where, oh where
Has my estrogen gone?
Oh where, oh where
Can it be?

I was once young and fair
Now I sprout facial hair.
Oh hormones please
Come back to me.

Dieter’s Lament

Low-fat cake, no-cal shake
Pritikin man,
I’ve tried every diet
From here to Japan.

I’ve poached it, I’ve steamed it,
I’ve drunk herbal tea.
I think from now on
I’ll just let myself be.


Stock market, stock market
I’m down on my knees;
You’ve got to recover
I’m begging you please.

I’d gotten used to easy cash
My wife and I had quite a stash.

Stock market, stock market
Please go higher
If you crash we can never retire.

The Tao of Doing and Being:
To be or not to be. - William Shakespeare's Hamlet
Cogito ergo sum. (I think, therefore I am.) - Rene Descartes
I am what I do. Martin Buber
To do is to be. – Rene Descartes
To be is to do. – Jean Paul Sartre
Do-be-do-be-do. - Frank Sinatra
Do be a Do Bee, don't be a Don't Bee. - Miss Connie from Romper Room
Scooby Dooby Doo. - Scooby Doo
Yabba Dabba Doo. - Fred Flintstone
Inka Dinka Doo. - Jimmy Durante
Boop Boop be Doop - Betty Boop
De do do do, de da da da. - The Police
Doo Wah Diddy. - Manfred Mann
Doh! - Homer Simpson
I yam what I yam. – Popeye
I am. - God
God is dead! – Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead! – God

A man sat at a metro station in Washington, DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. Three minutes went by and a middle-aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule. A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the basket and without stopping, continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work. The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurrying, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on. In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars! Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out a theatre in Boston with the seats averaged $100.00 each. This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour...Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context? One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the finest musicians in the world playing some of the most wonderful music ever written, how many other things are we missing?