Friday Funnies January 16 09

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien

"Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, 'Do these pants make me look like we're in a recession?,' be careful what you say." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno

"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman

"Here's good news, President-elect Barack Obama and his family have actually now moved into Washington, DC, this week. Their stuff arrived via U-Haul One." --David Letterman

"Hey, here's great news. Remember Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, governor of Alaska? Well, she has a new grandson. New baby grandson, that's right. And the new baby boy's name is Tripp. Apparently 'Oops' was taken." --David Letterman

"But the governor was very excited. She brought the grandson over to her house and held it up to the window so the Russians could get a look at it." --David Letterman

"But it was quite an event. The baby was delivered by Joe the obstetrician." --David Letterman

"The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?" --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno

"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers

"Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations." --Seth Meyers

"During the meeting, Bill Clinton was impressed by the light brown carpet in the Oval Office, saying, 'I love this rug.' Though he did say it would look better if it was just a thin strip down the middle." --Seth Meyers

"Last week, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they're hoping he will grow up to be a law firm."

"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman

"ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It's called 'Homeland Security USA,' or, as they call it in Afghanistan, 'the Terrorist Learning Channel.'" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, 'Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or seven words.'" --Jay Leno

"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien

"It was an exciting day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new, gold-rimmed official state china that cost $493,000. But don't worry, it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who would donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she'd been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. But it's probably for the best. You can't trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Bushes, by the way, aren't the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan and Clinton all had it, too. Though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill. One time she really nailed him with a gravy boat. So that's missing too. But I'll tell you something, nothing, to me, says recession like spending half a million dollars on dinnerware." --Jimmy Kimmel

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, And she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?” the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do.'' "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it." ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

So it’s -20C outside. Brrrrrr! Here’s something you may not know.
On old war ships, it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?

Sentimental Poems

A Woman’s Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.

A Man’s Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
great boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. 'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. 'Now tell him you have a headache.'

So I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.
The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

At breakfast a wife asks her retired husband, "Whatcha doin' today?" He said, "Nothin’." She said, "You did that yesterday." He said, "I wasn't finished."

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The young officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....Your badge! Show him your badge!'

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill of r $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.’

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and Get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.