Friday Funnies September 18 09

May you rest in peace, Mary Travers! Peter and Paul won't be the same without you. We celebrate your years of singing out for social justice and may your memory be forever "Blowin' In The Wind!"

"This Kanye West/Taylor Swift thing will not go away. Even former President Bush spoke out about it today. He said, 'Kanye West doesn't care about white people.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in New York, President Obama had lunch with former President Clinton. Afterwards, Clinton told Obama, 'Remember, if Hillary asks, we had lunch and dinner, then I slept over at your place.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A new book that's coming out about former President George W. Bush said that Bush once called Barack Obama 'a cat' with 'no clue.' Of course that was back when Bush's speeches were written by jazz legend Wynton Marsalis." --Conan O'Brien

"Even the President is talking about Kanye West. Did you hear about this? In an off the record remark recorded by ABC, Obama said that Kanye West was a quote, unquote, 'jackass.' In even bigger news, ABC doesn't understand the meaning of the phrase 'quote, unquote, off the record.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Kanye was pretty hurt when he heard the President called him a 'jackass.' But then Joe Biden said, 'Ah, you get used to it.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yet another family values Republican has been caught in a sex scandal. I love this story: This time, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall (the guy is married) was caught on tape bragging having sex with two different lobbyists. A politician having sex with two lobbyists. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I believe that's a total of 3 whores, right?" --Jay Leno

"And while we were off, the government started this program that gives people money for their old cars. I made $5 billion." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new audio recording slamming the President, America, Israel and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Then at the end, when he's really worked up, he yells, 'And Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, you all saw this. This is what I'm talking about. Kayne West at the Video Music Awards. Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States Congress." --Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden released a new 11-minute audio tape, where he calls President Obama powerless in the war in Afghanistan. Well, that was the first six minutes. He gave Taylor Swift the last five to finish her acceptance speech." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama gave his health care speech before Congress, and he was in a mood. He called out some of the liars who have been lying about his plan. And he also said a lot of the opposition to this plan comes from ill-informed crazy people. And to prove it, a shitkicker named Joe Wilson from South Carolina, this asshole with Tourette's syndrome, screams out 'You lie!'" --Bill Maher

"I thought Obama handled the heckler well. He came with the old, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the lobbyist out of your mouth.'" –Bill Maher

"This is unprecedented. This does not go on in the halls of Congress when the president is speaking. Everyone was shocked. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed." –Bill Maher

"But to be fair, the next day Joe Wilson apologized, he said he didn't me to say 'You Lie." He said he mean to say 'Go back to Africa.'" --Bill Maher

"What's so ironic is that the health care plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the prozac he so desperately needs." --Bill Maher

"Even though in his speech, Obama said, 'You lie, I'm not going to kill old people,' the next day Sarah Palin said on her Facebook page she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to go." --Bill Maher

"It's the 8th anniversary of 9/11, and Americans today stopped doing whatever they were doing to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news." --Bill Maher

"At the world trade center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything." --Bill Maher

"Today one of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled the president, 'a pimple on the ass of progress.' That's true. Yeah, then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered under Obama's health care plan." --Conan O'Brien

President Obama is continuing to push hard for his health care plan. On Sunday night, Obama will be interviewed on '60 Minutes,' or as he calls it, 'the death panel.' 32.1 million people watched President Obama's speech to Congress Wednesday, down 20 million viewers from his last speech to Congress. But to improve ratings for the next one, Obama will replace Nancy Pelosi with Ellen." --Jimmy Fallon

"I am not getting on Congressman Wilson's case for disagreeing with the president...Every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to a joint session of Congress. That's not what you do. It's not the Jerry Springer Show. You can't stand up in the middle of Congress and say 'Oh no you did not!' What the hell is wrong with you? He said his emotions got the better of him. Sometimes I want to have sex with a hooker, but I don't!" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama, of course, is not the first president to have 'you lie' yelled at him. Bill Clinton got that all the time, but only from Hillary. And that was only after he came home and told her he lost his pants in a tornado." –Craig Ferguson

"Back when George Bush was president, Democrats in Congress, to be fair, would occasionally go 'Boooo!' But President Bush never took it personally, he just thought Congress was haunted." --Craig Ferguson

"When Wilson yelled 'you lie' at the president, I don't think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, 'Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor's mistress?'" --Craig Ferguson

"During President Obama's speech, a congressman heckled him. This guy from South Carolina begins to heckle the guy, and I thought, OK, so now Gov. Mark Sanford is the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina" --David Letterman

"John McCain, here's a guy who's seen it all, he was shocked. He said he hasn't seen anything like this since Aaron Burr heckled Alexander Hamilton." --David Letterman

"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson's apology, and then invited him to appear before a death panel." –Conan O'Brien

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS CHANGED TO THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY INEXPENSIVE HEALTH CARE PLAN:
10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day.."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

43 Things Actually Said in Job Interviews
"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc
What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne
When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" – Darby

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my Porridge?' he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roars. Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mama Bear who set the damn table. It was Mama Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mama Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET ! '

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined!
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show Up Naked
2. Bring Food

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?' Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ...
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots his friend killing him. Calmly, the wife says 'If you continue like this, you will lose ALL of your friends.'


The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday and I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Glad I’m a Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.

I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

A man who says marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition understands neither women nor fractions.

Oldie Goldie History Lesson

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled fairly acceptable by June. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose the baby in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...

…More history…

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use
the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board'.

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring !

A Jewish man in a supermarket in Thornhill saw a black woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked off the shelf. 'Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!' Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate. 'Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?' 'No.' 'So, why did you say that?' 'Why? I'll tell you why. 'Cuz I see all them Jewish mothers saying that to their kids -- and it works, so I decided to try it.'
A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to devour her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumped off his punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly. A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' Why, it was nothing,' said the biker, really... The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' 'I noticed a patch on your jacket,' said the journalist. 'Yeah, I ride with a Israeli motorcycle club,' the biker replied. 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist with the Times, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page.' The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline: “ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

Oldie Goldie
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears that in San Francisco there's a gay synagogue. He's very excited, as this sounds like what he's been yearning for. He gets there, and sure enough, there's a gay cantor and a gay rabbi, and the Congregation too is mostly gay. He joins in the service, but is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting in front of him. He checks him out from every angle but is especially enamoured with his cute behind. Finally, during the Aleinu as he sees the young man bending over, he gives in to temptation and puts his hand on the young man's tuchas. Immediately two large men wearing leather jackets under their tallitot rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the stairs onto the street." Why did you do that?" he cried. "I thought this was a gay synagogue." "It is," replied one of his ejectors, in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbitzen."