Friday Funnies January 9 09

"Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? " --David Letterman

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman

"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman

"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans. --Jay Leno

"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno

"A new survey indicates that Barack Obama is the most admired man in America. Most admired man in America. That makes pretty good sense, don't you think? I'm also on the list, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a little farther down. I'm between Richard Simmons and Bernie Madoff. But I'm on the list." --David Letterman

"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman

"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, Barack Obama's daughters started at their new school in Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level." --Conan O'Brien

"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear." --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'" --Jay Leno

"And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first full day in Washington since coming back from his vacation in Hawaii, but no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson." --Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno

"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at the Presidents' Lunch
10. Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore.
9. If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday.
8. Laura! More Mountain Dew!
7. You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
6. Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!
5. Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!
4. Kissey kissey.
3. Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt.
2. Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?
1. I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full

Goodbye Dubya!
President George W. Bush will leave behind a legacy of Bushisms, the label stamped on the U.S. leaders original speaking style. Some of the president's more notable malapropisms and mangled statements:

-"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

-"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" - January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

-"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander-in-chief, too." - Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.

-"There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." - Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

- "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." - April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

- "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." - April 18, 2002, at the White House.

-"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defence spending bill.

-"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

- "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." - April 20, 2005, in Washington.

- "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." - Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.

-"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbours back into neighbourhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." - Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of hurricane Katrina.

-"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." - June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

-"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." - Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

- "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." - June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

- "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." - September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.

-"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict to the White House.

-"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." - May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

-"And they have no disregard for human life." - July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.

- "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." - June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.

-"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." - July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

- "This thaw - took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

I have CDO. It's like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they're supposed to be.

Then there was the blonde who named her pet zebra ‘Spot.’

Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.

If you believe that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, know that you’re aiming a little too high.

Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside!

Some bosses are like clouds – the minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets brighter!

To err is human – to blame someone else for your problem is strategic.

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understandabout
'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funerals,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!

Comments made 54 years ago in 1955:

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents per gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible.. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call "astronauts" preparing for it down in Texas.'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women ar having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of 'foreign' business!

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on..'

'There is no sense going for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'