Friday Funnies December 19 08

"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno

"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he's shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn't hit him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson

"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson

"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman

"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money." --Jay Leno


"But not everyone's revved up about the proposed auto industry bailout deal. Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,' or just 'ass backwards'. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards is not so much common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart

"So, someone used a very mild vulgarity on the floor of the House. You might wonder, how will the news networks react to this? Well, it depend on what you're watching [on screen: some networks report on Vitter's comments and use them, in their entirety, on air. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer asks why he couldn't have said 'bass ackwards'. Oh, Contessa Brewer. If you enjoyed that exchange, you might enjoy her new book, 'Sock-Cucker, Fother-Mucker and a Thousand and One Other Ways to Ineffectively Conceal Profanity.' You know, I enjoyed this book. I actually did a blurb for the book when it first came out. I don't even remember what I said, I think if I could read it for you now. 'Reading this was a real cunch to the punt.' ... Why didn't I say dunch to the pick? I don't know." --Jon Stewart

"Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. He wanted the plea changed from 'guilty' to just 'jiggling the wrong handle'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America's first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter." --Jay Leno

"Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign." --David Letterman

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."

A top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally (A tautological statement, the linguistic equivalent of having chips with rice.)
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Other phrases to irritate people are "literally" and "ironically", when they are used out of context. We grow tired of anything that is repeated too often – an anecdote, a joke, a mannerism – and the same seems to happen with some language.

Oldie Goldie of topical interest:
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' 'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' 'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.' The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' 'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her", he said. 'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' 1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

Scary information about Wal-Mart:
1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
1. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
13. Let Wal-Mart do it. (Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street and the Automakers!)

Walking down the street I saw a shaggy baggy man begging with a sign "will work for food". I told him not to worry, my broker says things will bounce back. He said, "I am your broker!"

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."

Mexican words of the day:
1. Cheese - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder - My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. Wheelchair - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
10. Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. Harassment - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. Body wash - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. Budweiser - That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

You know I don't know where the time goes. Monica Lewinsky turned 35 this year. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Some Groaners:

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man walked into the doctor's office and his doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

"Doc, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome.' "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said 'Is that the local swimming pool?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy some dope......press the hash key..."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother John. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's John.

Anger Management:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax …It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

JEWISH VS. GOYISH
Judges are Jewish Juries are Goyish
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is Goyish
Ordering family style is Jewish Ordering a la carte is Goyish
Cruises are Jewish Walking tours are Goyish
Laugh-In was Jewish Hee Haw was Goyish
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet is Jewish Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish
Bunions are Jewish Flat feet are Goyish
Simon Says is Jewish The Hokey Pokey is Goyish
"Bewitched" is Jewish "I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish
The Limbo is Jewish Line dancing is Goyish
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish

GOYISH VS. JEWISH
Fruitcake is Goyish Fruit and cake is Jewish
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
ESPN is Goyish PBS is Jewish
Tiffany's is Goyish Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
Passing bars is Goyish Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
Mary Kay is Goyish Murray the K is Jewish
The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish
Morbidly obese is Goyish Baby fat is Jewish
West Coast is Goyish East Coast is Jewish
Luncheon meat is Goyish Deli is Jewish
White bread is Goyish Rye is Jewish
Sushi is Jewish Chopsticks are Goyish
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
"Youngsters" are Goyish "Kids" are Jewish
Buttering bread is Goyish Spreading margarine is Jewish
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
White sox are Goyish No sox are Jewish
Saving Money is Goyish Investing money is Jewish
Snowmobiling is Goyish Skiing is Jewish
Doing Landscaping is Goyish Hiring a landscaper is Jewish
Beer is Goyish Wine is Jewish
A party revolving around the buffet table is Jewish One that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
Picking nuts is Goyish Nitpicking is Jewish
NASCAR is Goyish. Period.

Let's just finish off by noting that making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ... is VERY Jewish!!

There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve my baked apple."

From the Old Farmer's Almanac:

Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
KINDNESS in another's trouble,
COURAGE in your own.
–Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833–70)