Friday Funnies September 25 09

"It's opening week at the U.N., ladies and gentlemen. Security is very tight here in New York City. A lot of dictators all over the city. You know what I've noticed? Dictators tend to be tiny. Have you noticed this? Kim Jong Il, a tiny little guy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Another guy like this: Mayor Bloomberg." --David Letterman

"If you wanted to, you could get on the eBay and you could bid on having dinner with Sarah Palin. Did you know that? Yep, you could bid on it. And the winning bid was $63,000. You get to sit down and have dinner. Of course, you know, for that price - people say that's a lot of money - she'll shoot the main course." --David Letterman

"It's the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer." --David Letterman

"Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards' mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. So, looks like USC wasn't the only one playing with bad Trojans." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The U.S. government is giving American Indian tribes $224 million of stimulus money to help fight crime on reservations. The tribes say that they're grateful for the money and plan to bet it all on black." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today in New York City, it's the fifth annual meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative. It's a very big political event where Bill Clinton gets to spend time with government officials he rarely sees, like Hillary, for example." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is on our program tonight. I'm in a great mood because the President is here tonight. I underwent three hours of frisking. Whooo!" --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. It's seamless but security here tonight at the Ed Sullivan Theater is very tight. They even checked under my hairpiece." --David Letterman

"Security is tighter than Joan Rivers' face." --David Letterman

"You know, when you have a big show like this, everybody gets kind of excited about it. And I was talking to my mom today. I said, 'You know, President Obama is on the show tonight.' And she said, 'Well, maybe I'll switch from Conan.'" --David Letterman

"Great to see President Obama again. Haven't seen him since he invited me and Sarah Palin to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Well, let's see, the big international story is Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job — Am I saying that right? Ahmadinejad? I'm sorry — is coming to New York City this week. And listen to this, after he arrives, he's driving his own cab in from the airport." --Jay Leno

"According to Newsweek, the word in Washington is that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is going to step down next year, which means there's going to be another opening on the Supreme Court. And you know who Obama is going to pick as the new judge? Have you heard? Ellen DeGeneres." --Jay Leno

"And doctors are still arguing over whether being fat should be classified as a medical disease. You know, I think it should be. It should be. Because this time, or the next time rather, your wife says, 'Do these jeans make me look fat?' you can go, 'Honey, I am not a doctor.'" --Jay Leno

"Jennifer Garner is here tonight. She has a new movie out called 'The Invention of Lying.' I think it's the John Edwards story, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is coming to New York to address the United Nations, but many restaurants say they won't serve him. You can tell which ones because their signs read, 'No shirt, no shoes, no Holocaust, no service.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Big news this weekend. President Obama was everywhere. He became the first president to appear on five Sunday morning talk shows. Five talk shows in one day. Even Heidi and Spencer were like, 'Tone it down!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the recession is over. You know, where is that 'You lie!' guy when you need him?" --Jay Leno

"The Senate just passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns in their checked luggage. However, folks, Greyhound passengers are still not allowed to carry deodorant." --Conan O'Brien

"A new Nielsen survey found that Washington, D.C., has the most 25- to 34-year-olds in the country who make over $100,000 a year. Yeah, and they're called hookers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down as the CE. of World Wrestling Entertainment to run for the Senate in Connecticut. Things are going well for her. She's already raised a ton of campaign money from the folding chair industry." --Jimmy Fallon

"She's promising to lower taxes, reduce government, and pile-drive the Iron Sheik." --Jimmy Fallon

"Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush said, 'Hey, where were these rules when I was President?'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, if they start banning hypocrites and liars from the floor of Congress, there won't be anybody in the building." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another new audiotape. See, they're audiotapes. I don't think he quite gets the Twitter thing. He can't — he doesn't have the opposable thumb, I guess." --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. Here's some good terrorist gossip. According to a Sudanese novelist who once lived with Osama bin Laden for four months, Osama bin Laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan which is surprising. I mean, considering the way those people treat women, you'd think he'd be a bigger Bobby Brown fan." --Jay Leno

"And in honor of gay marriage now being legal in the state of Vermont, Ben & Jerry's is now selling 'Hubby Hubby' ice cream. You know, if you want to name an ice cream after gay marriage, why not just call it 'Ben & Jerry's?'" --Jay Leno

"In Connecticut — this is weird — one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the W.W.E. wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, 'You lie!' if they could get hit with a folding chair." --Conan O'Brien

'Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is 'very likely' that the recession is over. I hope this isn't like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.' –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Obama Agreed to Appear on the 'Late Show'
10. Heard the lady with the heart-shaped potato was gonna be here.
9. Thought it would be fun to watch someone else get heckled.
8. Something to do with that whole Cash For Clunkers deal.
7. Every president since Teddy Roosevelt has done it.
6. Someone offers you 600 bucks, you take it ladies and gentlemen.
5. We told him Megan Fox would be here.
4. Needed some time to hang out before check-in time at his hotel.
3. I have no idea.
2. Said yes, without thinking, like Bush did with Iraq.
1. Wanted to congratulate Dave on the big Emmy win.

There are precious few golf days left so let’s get in a few more golf jokes while we can:

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! What a crazy game! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered darn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot..
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1.... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

And as long as we’re comparing things with sex:

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex.
1) You can GET chocolate even if you are ugly and fat.
2) "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8) You can safely have a chocolate while you are driving.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.
12) You don't get curly hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
15) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
18) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
19) Good chocolate is easy to find.
20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.
21) You can have some dark chocolate if you want something different.
22) You can get creme filled chocolate and suck out the creme and swallow it.

Of course it’s hockey, hockey, hockey once again and Torontonians are getting all excited about all the possibilities for the new season:

What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice.

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine? The vending machine has Players!

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common? They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.


Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post? They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!

Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team? (Besides Gary Bettman hating Jim Balsillie) Because then Toronto would want one.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto? None of them can play hockey.

What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs? The Toronto Maple Leafs.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard? Put up a goal net.

What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring? A thief.


What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup? Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.

The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup most of their fans were in diapers. Coincidentally, the next time they win it those same fans will be back in diapers again!

This guy says to the bartender, “Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together.” The bartender replies, “Normally, dogs wouldn’t be allowed in my bar, but it’s not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there’s any trouble with you or the dog, I’ll have to ask you to leave.” The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five. The bartender says, “Wow, that’s pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game?” The guys answers, “No Idea, I’ve only had him for 3 years.” So the bartender asks if the dog does anything when they lose. The guy says he does somersaults. The bartender asks how many somersaults. The guy says it depends on how many times I kick him!


All the women in my office are suing me for sexual harassment except for that fat bitch in accounting – she’s suing me for discrimination!

The Seven Dwarves of Menopause – Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho.

Did you hear about the new household cleaner just on the market? It's called "Bachelor." Why? Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

Just a reminder to never, never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine and into your brain and that’s where shitty ideas come from!

Bumper Sticker Suggestions
1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you sometimes see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex - I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser". To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

NOSTALGIA AINT WHAT IT USED TO BE...
Remember when we were young? Life was so simple then...
Symptoms and prognosis then and now:
1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction.
2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Parkinson's Disease
3. Constant smiling.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Bell's Palsy
4. Absent mindedness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Early Onset of Alzheimer's Disease
5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when she calls or comes over.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Multiple Sclerosis
6. Inability to stop thinking about her.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
7. Bruising on neck, and other tender areas.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Leukemia
8. Insomnia.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia
9. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence.
Symptoms then: Love Prognosis now: Schizophrenia

What getting older involves:
(It’s no Secret that this is meant for a woman but strong enough for a man!)

- It's harder to tell navy from black.
- Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
- Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
- Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
- Going out is good; coming home is better!
- When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
- When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.
- You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
- The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
- You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
- The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
- You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
- Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
- The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
- Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
- Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
- You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
- The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.
- Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
- You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
- When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
- You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
- Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
- Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
- You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
- Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
- Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
- Your concealer doesn't conceal.
- Your lipstick bleeds.
- Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
- You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
- What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
- Everybody whispers.
- Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
- You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.
- But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!

Mr. Gabriel García Marquez, great Latin American writer, has said goodbye to the public life due to complications in his health: lymphatic cancer. He has sent a letter to his friends. This short text written by one of the most brilliant Latin American authors of the past years is really inspiring.
“If for an instant God forgot that I am just a puppet, and He gave me one more piece of life, I would take advantage of that time, the best I could.
I would probably not say everything I think, but definitely think all I say.
I would value things not for what they are worth, but for what they represent.
I would sleep less and dream more. For every minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would continue where others have stopped and I would rise when others sleep.
If God allowed me one more piece of life, I would dress simpler, would wallow in the sunlight, leaving uncovered, not only my body but also my soul.
I would prove to men how wrong they are to think that they stop falling in love as they get older, since they actually start getting older as soon as they stop falling in love.
I would give wings to the children, but I would leave the child alone so that he could learn how to fly on his own.
To the old, I would show them how death comes not with the ageing process but with forgetting.
So many things I have learned from you….
I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain, forgetting that is how we climb is all that matters.
I have learned that when a newborn grabs his father’s thumb, he takes a hold on him forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on somebody, only when he is helping him to get up.
So many things I have learned from all of you.
Always tell what you feel and do what you think.
If I knew that today it would be the last time that I will see you, I will embrace you strongly to be the guardian of your soul.
If I would know that these would be the last minutes that I will see you, I would say to you “I love you” and wouldn´t assume that you would know it.
There is always morning where life gives us another opportunity to make things good.
Keep always close to you, your dear ones, and tell them how much you need them and love and take care of them. Take time to say, “I am sorry”, “forgive me”, “please,” “thank you” and all the nice and lovely words you know.
Nobody would remember you if you keep your thoughts secret. Force yourself to express them.
Show your friends and dear ones how much you care about them.
Send this to the people you care for or love. If you don’t do it, tomorrow will be the same as today.
And it will not matter either….Now is the time to send it.
For you with much love and care.
I hope and wish that you like it."
Gabriel García Márquez