Friday Funnies November 7 08

"Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?" --David Letterman

"But I would like to say one thing to Senator John McCain . Listen, senator, you don't show up for me, America doesn't show up for you." --David Letterman

"At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call." --David Letterman

"But right about now Joe the plumber is meeting with his transition team. They're going to help ease him from obscurity back to oblivion." --David Letterman

"How about Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Right now on her way back to Alaska. And I'm thinking oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose now." --David Letterman

"But on the bright side, at least now Tina Fey can spend Saturdays with her family again, so that's a good deal." --David Letterman

"Did you see the concession speech last night? John McCain was generous. He was gracious. He was statesman-like. And I was thinking well, he should have tried that earlier." --David Letterman

"You know, do you realize this is our first black president since the first season of '24'?" --Jay Leno

"And of course the big mantra was 'Yes, we can!' Unless you're a gay couple in California, then it's, 'No, you can't.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, California passed a bill banning gay marriage, and San Francisco voters defeated a ballet proposition that would have decriminalized prostitution. So, it's a bad day for straight guys and gay guys." --Jay Leno

"Hundreds of thousands of people turned out for Obama’s victory rally in Chicago. But there was an awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said “proud to be Muslim” and screamed, 'Suckas!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama won the state of Florida, which means that it went from a red state to a blue state. That’s huge, yeah. It’s historic, because it’s the first time something turned blue in Florida and they didn’t have to call a medic." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of speculation about Sarah Palin's future, but last night, she denied rumors that she's getting ready to run for president in 2012. Palin said, 'That’s a long time away. I’ll be a great-grandmother by then.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Obama’s victory would not have been not possible without the help of the leaders who came before him — Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson, and most importantly, President Bush, who has set the bar pretty low." --Craig Ferguson

"The stock market dropped over 400 points today, which is not a reflection on Obama. No, the brokers just realized they’ve still got three months of George Bush." --Craig Ferguson

"In California, the ban on gay marriage passed. Gay people are furious. They stormed the State Capitol in Sacramento and caused $3 million in improvements to the city." --Craig Ferguson

"Today Barack Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia. And McCain campaigned in two states: panic and desperation." --David Letterman

"Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and not know who's running the country. Just like it's been for the last eight years." -- Jay Leno

"As you know, a lot of voters in Florida have already cast their ballots using early voting. And here's the weird part. George Bush was declared the winner again." --Jay Leno

"Think about it. In less than a week, President Bush will be a lame duck, as opposed to just being a lame president." --Jay Leno

"I've noticed a number of athletes are now endorsing candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain's been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe." --Conan O'Brien

"A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what's going on in the McCain campaign right now." --Jay Leno

"It's not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet." --Jay Leno

"Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all seven felony counts of accepting over $250,000 worth of gifts and services from a contractor. But he says he will not step down and he will win re-election. Don’t you love how these guys have no shame? In fact, have you heard his new slogan, 'Vote for Stevens, a man of convictions.'" --Jay Leno

"A Massachusetts Democratic state senator named Dianne Wilkerson has been arrested for accepting $23,000 in bribes. She was going to use the money for her re-election campaign. And the FBI has actual pictures of her stuffing the $23,000 in her bra. ... Isn't that great? Talk about putting together a campaign war chest." --Jay Leno

New Stock Market Terms:
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets nothing.
Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Broker -- What my broker has made me.
Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
Profit -- An archaic word no longer in use. As in "false prophet".

Two friends in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. When the two friends got off the plane, still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots, they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said "G'day, mates. Where'er you from?" "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied. "So where are they from?" the other locals asked. Don't know, replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."

The joys of having Girls:
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table (her third mistake). When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife, who gasped, then, began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so that they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?' 'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs where he met Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. 'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.' 'Fook off you liar!'. 'I'll prove it,' Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?' 'Of course, what's the use of fuckin' one?'

A young blonde returned from a great week-long vacation in South America and went to the bank to exchange currency. After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18. The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?" "I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "that's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section." "Sonofabitch!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap fuck breakfast, too!"

I told the toothpaste model after she gave me oral sex, "Those are the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

6.9 is a good thing screwed up by a period.

Life’s like a penis because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting her house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Dear Sirs, In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds ", does that refer to me or to you?
Yours faithfully .........................

Political Axioms 'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.' -Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes... I just watch the government and report the facts.-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now; wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal: a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class....save Congress.-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

AND THE BEST ONE.......A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson

A Dummy’s Guide For Dummies:
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
One + one = two. Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
April 1st is your special high holy day.

You know! It's a thingummy... Whatjermercallit... The everyday items with the forgotten names. Our lives are full of 'thingummys', 'thingamajigs' and 'whatjermecallits' (especially as we get older) - those everyday items we should know the word for, or were once told but have since forgotten. Now, a collection of them has been compiled for a fascinating new book, THE THINGUMMY by Danny Danziger and Mark McCrum, Doubleday 2008. Here are a few examples.
Aglet - Is the little plastic or metal tube at the end of your shoelace. Its purpose is to stop the thread of the lace from unravelling, as well as making it easier to feed through the shoe's eyelets. (The word comes from the Old French aguillette, meaning needle.) Before the invention of plastic, aglets were made of metals such as copper, brass and silver, glass and even stone. They were often ornamental and some were fashioned into small figures. Should your aglet break, you may, of course, just buy another shoelace. But if you're more frugal - especially in these credit crunch times - shoemakers recommend that you repair them by dripping melted candle wax onto the broken end.
Borborygmus - (Pronounced bor-buh-rig-mus) is the name for the rumbling sounds made by the stomach. These are caused by the movement of fluids and gases, as food, acids and digestive juices migrate from the stomach into the upper part of the small intestine. The average body makes two gallons of digestive juices a day. The hydrochloric acid in your stomach is so strong it could eat into metal, but a special form of mucus protects your inner linings from this acid along the length of its journey.
Burgee - Is the little triangular flag that flutters on a sailing dinghy, traditionally at the top of the main mast. As well as giving a useful indication of the direction of the wind, the burgee often proclaims membership of a particular yacht club.
Caruncula - Is the small pink protuberance in the corner of the eye. It contains glands which produce sweat and tears. These tears are then secreted onto the surface of the conjunctiva. These glands are known as Ciaccio's glands, named after Italian anatomist Giuseppe Vincenzo Ciaccio, who first described their function in 1874.
Contrail - Is the long, thin trail left behind by an aircraft when it's flying high enough for the cold to turn the exhaust vapour into ice crystals. Indeed, a condensation trail (to give it its full name) is, in effect, a very long, thin, man-made cloud. Contrails may look like big swathes of pollution in the sky, but although they contain, as well as water vapour, hydrocarbons, sulphates, and nitrogen and carbon dioxides, they create, comparatively, far less ' greenhouse gas' than motor vehicles or power plants.
Dewclaw - Is the tiny fifth claw on the inner part of a dog's leg above the other toes, so called, rather romantically, because it brushes the dew from the grass. Dogs almost always have these tiny talons on the inside of their front legs and sometimes also on their hind legs. Some people say that dewclaws are useless and should be removed, because they can get torn or cause damage (to clothes, furniture and the like). Others claim that this odd appendage is very useful to a dog, for example, to help pick up bones and sticks.
Dongle - Is a small hardware device that plugs in to a computer, generally to authenticate a particular piece of software.
Dragées - (pronounced drah-zhay) Are those little silver balls to be found on birthday cakes. They're smaller than a cultured pearl, made of sugar and adorned with a metallic coating to resemble a ball bearing. Generally, they are as tough to crunch through as a real ball bearing. Available in gold and copper finishes. Sugared almonds are also called dragées.
Emoticon - Is short for emotional icon. It is the word for the symbols expressed through the keyboard of a computer or mobile phone to represent human emotions. :-) is perhaps the most common icon, describing a smiling face. ;-) incorporates a wink in one of the eyes.
Fines - Are the dusty remnants at the bottom of cereal boxes - particularly delicious in the more sugary brands. The cold cereal business began in the late-19th century with the desire for a healthier diet, as an alternative to the heavy, meat-laden breakfasts people were eating at the time.In 1863, American James Caleb Jackson developed the first breakfast cereal, which he called Granula. It was a healthy concoction of grains, nuts and husks of bran.
Fauxhawk - Is the hairstyle in which a strip of hair across the top of the head is longer and higher than the hair on the remainder of the head, as once worn by David Beckham. The name is a play on words, referring to the style's more dramatic inspiration, the Mohawk, in which the sides of the head are completely shaved, elevating the remaining top hairs to a splendid crest. American Paratroopers during World War II adopted the cut and it was popularised by the actor Mr T in the Eighties television series The A-Team.
Fontanelle - Is a patch of soft membrane on a baby's head, which has not yet developed into bone; if you look closely, you can see it pulsating. During birth, it allows the skull's bones to flex, enabling the infant's head to pass through its mother's narrow birth canal.
Gari - Is the pink pickled ginger that is served on the corner of a sushi tray to accompany sushi. It is served to cleanse the palate between mouthfuls and aid digestion. Though it should really be eaten a slice at a time, many sushi lovers like to mash it up with the pungent, bright green wasabi paste, which is made from green Japanese horseradish.
Glassine - Is the type of paper that lines boxes of chocolates or truffles and cups single chocolates. In a special manufacturing process, paper pulp is beaten to break down the fibres, and pressed into moulds, then allowed to dry into sheets. After that, a process called ' calendering' presses the sheets through hot rollers, making the paper grease- and air-proof. This is ideal for protecting chocolates from that white 'bloom' that can sometimes appear.
The Gluteal crease - Is the place where the lower buttocks meet the upper leg. If those buttocks are particularly comely, they might be described by the adjective callipygian, a word which derives from the Greek for beautiful (kallos) and buttocks (pyge).
Hemidemisemiquaver - Is a musical note played for one-64th the duration of a whole note, or semibreve. Shorter notes are very rarely used, although Beethoven employed the semihemidemisemiquaver (half the length of a hemidemisemiquaver) in the first movement of his piano sonata op.13, the PathÈtique.
The Interrobang - Is one of the most eloquent punctuation marks in the English language, combining an interrogative point, or question mark, and a bang (printers' parlance for the exclamation mark). These are some sentences which require one: 'She said what?!'; 'He ate how many slices of cake?!'; 'You're going to have a baby?!' No one uses them more eloquently than Captain Haddock in Herge's Tintin stories.
Jabot - Is a ruffle or frill, generally of lace, worn at the throat of a woman's shirt or blouse. They were formerly also worn at the neck of a man's shirt, and still are by Scots wearing traditional Highland Dress. This somewhat ostentatious item was widespread in eras of luxury, and was a key part of an 18thcentury gentleman's costume. However, in modern times, no one has worn a jabot with quite the panache of Austin Powers.
Kerf - Is the notch made by a cutting tool such as a saw. The size and number of teeth determines the smoothness of the kerf. Most saws have five to ten teeth per inch. For fine work, as many as 20 points will work best.
Lunula - Is the white half-moon part at the base of the fingernail or toe nail. It is paler than the rest of the nail because it isn't so firmly attached to the blood vessels and is most visible on the thumbs. The thick fold of skin that overlaps the lunula, which manicurists push down, is called the eponychium (or cuticle) and it protects the area between the nail and the skin from harmful bacteria.
Muselets - (Pronounced muse-lay) Is the name for the wire cage that is wound around the neck and over the cork of a champagne bottle.
The Oche - (Pronounced okee) Is the line (2.37 metres from the board) you must stand behind to throw your arrows in a game of darts.
Philtrum - Is the vertical indentation between the upper lip and nose. The term derives from the Greek word philein, to kiss - for the ancient Greeks believed this area was one of the most erogenous spots on the body. Both Hitler and Charlie Chaplin covered theirs with a moustache- - while, apparently, SAS officers can kill someone simply by tapping-their philtrum in a certain way.
Phloem bundles - (Pronounced flo-em bundles) are the squidgy, stringy bits between the skin and the edible part of a banana.
Quinquagenarian - Is the category you fall into at 50. Your tricenarian and vicenarian decades will be forgotten dreams.
Rowel - Is the spiked revolving wheel at the end of a cowboy's spur.
Spogs - Are the pink and blue aniseed-flavoured jelly sweets in bags of Bassetts Liquorice Allsorts - and the only ones that contain no liquorice.
Tines - Are the prongs on a fork. In the cutlery triumvirate of knife, fork and spoon, the knife came first, developed from implements of sharp-edged flint. As late as the 16th century, forks were thought to be an affectation, and people who dropped food while trying to use a fork for eating were ridiculed.
Tittle - If you've dotted an i, you have tittled, because the little dot above the i - and the j ( incidentally, the last letter to be included in our 26-letter alphabet) - is called a tittle. Hence the phrase 'jot and tittle', which indicates that every small detail has received attention.
Ullage - Is the space in a wine bottle not occupied by wine. If the top level of the wine is anywhere in the neck of the bottle, that's regarded as a perfect fill level. Older bottles may have a lower level than this, due to evaporation through the cork; for Bordeaux wines this is described in terms of the level's position on the shoulder, the rounded part at the top of the main bottle.
Voussoir - (Or Wedgestone) is the term for one of the individual, slightly tapered stones forming the curved part of an arch. The top one is called the keystone (or quoin) and the lowest is the springer.
Waldo - Is a mechanical, hand-like device (otherwise known as the 'zapper' or 'thingummy') for manipulating objects by remote control. It was named after the main character in Robert A. Heinlein's novella Waldo (1942), which told the story of Waldo Farthingwaite- Jones, who had been born such a weakling that he couldn't even hold a spoon. Refusing to let this hold him back, he developed a powerful mechanical hand that he operated remotely.
Yips - Is half physical ailment, half psychological/ psychosomatic condition: the golfer's equivalent of the writer's block, the surgeon's shaky hand or the construction worker's dodgy back.
Zarf - Is the cardboard holder for a coffee cup that has no handle. The word comes from the Arabic for container or envelope, because the device (originally a metal holder for a handle-less glass) originated in the Middle East.
Zuchetto - (pronounced zoo-ket-oh) Is the skullcap worn by Roman Catholic clergy. The colour of the zucchetto (which means pumpkin in Italian) denotes rank. Cardinals traditionally wear red, bishops and abbots wear violet, priests black and the Pope has a white one.