Friday Funnies December 12 08

Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel

"He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Joe actually did have praise for McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That's great, I'm glad they got along. And they're perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they're actually starring in a new movie together. I don't know if you've heard, it's called 'Dumb and Plumber.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno

"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno

"He's facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different now." --Jay Leno

"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno

"We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard, there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled employee ... me." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, and I say this quite seriously, you know, I didn't always want to stay with NBC, but I remembered something my parents always told me. They said, 'Whatever you do in life, always try to come in fourth.' And that's where NBC is." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'" --David Letterman


"Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they're very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it's taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, 'I have to go back and check with my manager.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television." --Conan O'Brien

"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno

"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers

"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers
"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler

"What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like 'The Amazing Race,' you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine:
10. For 10 grand can you make me Pope?
9. Hello, is this the Blog-o-bloga-a-da-go-bl-vipivh residence?
8. Hi, it's O.J. Wanna be cellmates?
7. Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong Blagojevich.
6. Hi, it's Larry Craig -- did I hear something about a Senator's seat being available?
5. I'm calling about your Senate seat on Craigslist. Want to trade for a futon?
4. Hey, it's Cheney -- Damn even I think you're sleazy.
3. You really Blagojevich'd your political career.
2. I'm guessing you didn't spend the bribe money on that haircut.
1. It's Sarah Palin. Thanks for replacing me as the country's most embarrassing governor

"You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole." --David Letterman

Kentucky Fried Chicken has just announced it will be marketing a new family sized bucket of chicken to help finance the proposed Liberal/NDP/Bloc coalition in Ottawa. The new bucket will contain only left wings and assholes.

Letters from (Bad) Santa:

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell, you little retard. Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? God damned hippies. You get a toy gun. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a real favor? Leave me a bottle of eighteen year old scotch and a seventeen year old girl. Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give up that piece of tight little Latino ass, just to come back to your frigid alcoholic mother? It's time to give up that dream, kid. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're a little gay homo. I'll set you up with a Barbie, you fag. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. But when I'm not defiling teenage runaways on film, I unwind by drinking myself silly, squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table, and doing enough pure Columbian blow to kill a rhinoceros. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do and let me know if you're ever in Vegas. But know that I'm skipping your house this year. Santa

Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. Man up, you little bitch. You're getting a sweater, again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex because that's all your crack-whore of a mother can afford. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa

My favourite Christmas Story:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Well, as you may or may not know, the best thing ever to come out of Timmins Ontario, the very beautiful and talented pop / country singer (some say she may be cute but she’s not enough country) Shania Twain is back in the news. Last May she split up with husband of fourteen years, producer Mutt Lange supposedly for his affair with best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud, a longtime secretary and manager of the couple’s chateau in Switzerland. Now Shania Twain turned up in Manhattan last Thursday with Frederic Thiébaud, the ex-husband of Twain's former best friend. Apparently the two couples had socialized together for years. All I can say is, in one deft move Ms. Twain just exponentially bolstered her street cred. as a country singer. Now if she’d just lose the house and let her dog die, she could easily be the reigning queen of country again.

Alvin was the meek type and it took courage for him to even enter a ladies’ shop, let alone ask for underthings. Finally, he braced himself, walked over to the clerk and said, “I want to buy a brassiere for my wife.” “Certainly, sir, and what size does she wear?” “Seven and a quarter.” “I’m sorry sir, but brassieres don’t come in that size. Are you sure you have the right measurements?” “I’m positive.” “How did you measure?” “I used my hat.”

Five rules for men for a happy life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Some old puns revisited:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

I was interested to hear of O.J.’s prison sentence. Actually, I do believe that this is a plot. He is intentionally going to prison to follow up on a tip and find his ex-wife’s killer. One thing is clear: He is going in as a tight end and will come out as a wide receiver.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canada's Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capitol, nor could they find a virgin.
P.S. There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable, nor manure from the scene.

These are actual writings from various hospital charts. Please save us from the lawyers!
1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain only if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in A and E, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed an abnormal sized thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Direct from Craig’s List
Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT
For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model
Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD.
Intake valve is stuck in the open position.
Rear end needs major overhaul.
A crack there has grown monstrously large.
Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.
Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.
Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.
Needs front-end work--Headlights are too close to the ground, and fenders are too far apart.
May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,
Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.
Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.

Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."

Speaking of Senior Moments:
"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY Paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know why her Sunday edition had not been delivered. "Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday ... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday." There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... that's why no one was at church today."
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

I hope you’re all dreaming of a white Christmas, but remember, if the white runs out, you can always drink red!