Friday Funnies November 21 08

"It's great to be here in Los Angeles, what's left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K)." --Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs." --Jay Leno

"The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, 'cause he's very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we're just not ready for a Blackberry president." --Jay Leno

"Forecasters at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That's how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past." --Jay Leno

"You know what the definition of recession is? A recession is two consecutive quarters of declining productivity. Or, as the Clippers call that, 'halftime.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president. ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'" --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden got together today with Dick Cheney and the girls, the ladies, the wives, they all had dinner. And the meal went great. I mean, they only had to shock Cheney back to life twice." --David Letterman

"And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, 'Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?' And Cheney said: 'Hell, I don't know. Ask Bush.'" --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? She could be appearing on 'Desperate Housewives,' and when John McCain heard about this, he went to his staff and he said, "I would kind of like to be on 'Bonanza.'" --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has chosen Rahm Emanuel to be his chief of staff. Obama is also bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of the transition team. So now, it looks like what Barack Obama is doing, he's just bringing back all our favorites from the Clinton Administration, you know, except for that heavyset intern." --David Letterman

"It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama." -Jay Leno

"Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She'd be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts." -Jay Leno

"American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that's the way to do it" --Jay Leno

"In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a cabinet. And the big rumor today is he might name Hillary Clinton secretary of state. That would be something -- finally a secretary Bill doesn't want to sleep with." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about this, they're talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill." --David Letterman

"The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. But that's kind of sad, don't you think? I mean think how close Hillary Clinton came to being the first female president of the United States. Her next job offer, oh, a secretary." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I think Hillary Clinton would be a great secretary of state. You know, she can cackle in seven different languages." --Jay Leno

Henry Kissinger's in the news. Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of great courage on his part. Yeah, then Kissinger said, 'Seriously, Barack, protect your nuts. She's crazy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Hear about that? Took his wife out on a date. Yeah. And today Bill Clinton, Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat." --Jay Leno

"And according to CNN, Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the domestic terrorist law." --Jay Leno

"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service recently gave Barack Obama's wife and daughters code names. These are the code names: Renaissance, Rosebud and Radiance. Apparently, the agent who created the names has a secret dream to get into the perfume business." --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama's Meeting With McCain
10. Oh, just preparing to be President. What have you been up to?
9. I know a guy who would be a perfect Secretary of Plumbing.
8. What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?
7. Let's wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune's on.
6. Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?
5. Actually, it's now the "Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild bus."
4. Uh John, this isn't another debate.
3. Where's the soup? Someone said there'd be soup!
2. I know I'm trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I've got you right where I want you!
1. Maybe you'd be President-elect if you hadn't crossed Letterman

If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year, only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank! Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called …'The BloodFucking Bank!

Despite the extremely difficult economic times, I heard of a guy who made a killing on Wall Street last week....He shot his broker!

The financial situation at the moment is so bad that Jewish women are now marrying for love.

What's the difference between your investment broker and a pigeon? Only the pigeon can make a deposit on a 2009 Ferrari!

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead ! That can't be, I have so much to live for and I haven't said goodbye to my family - you've got to send me back straight away.' St. Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen - how are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed!'

Diary of an American who moved to Dubai earlier last year:
April 30th:
Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai, UAE! WOW!!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!!! Beautiful, sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crocks, murderers, and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on my beautiful bedroom verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
May 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything is fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
May 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around our lovely pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Heat is no problem at all.
June 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Missed 5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
Kitty (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left for the office. By the time I got to the hot car for my lunch break, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant fucking hair dryer in here!!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The fucking AC repairman charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was broken in fucking Hindu English or some language that I couldn't understand.
July 30th:
Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now because it is 7000 fucking degrees inside. Bloody 2,000,000 Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Fuck the sun. Fuck the wind. Fuck the freakin' ocean. And fucking locals walk around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little black female ninjas. Fucking crazy town.
August 4th:
It’s 114 fucking degrees today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed. It cost 2,000 fucking Dirhams and got the temperature down to 25, but the fucking humidity makes the house feel 30 fucking Dubai degrees. Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid fucking place.
August 8th: If another local wiseass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fucking whack him all the way back to his goddamn desert. Fucking Dubai ; by the time I get to work with all that fucking traffic and heat, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell
like a baked cat!!!
August 9th: Tried to run some errands today because it is fucking Friday. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so fucking hot I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my fucking ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and a baked cat.
August 10th: The weather report might as well be a fucking recording. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman dude wearing the fucking white tablecloth on TV says it might really warm up next week. Does it ever rain in this damn fucking place? What is next, a fucking hell freezing over wave?
August 14th: WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my fucking Audi. The fucking Audi serviceman said, 'Hot enough for you today?' Fuck him and fuck Audi. My wife had to spend the 7,000 Dirham to bail my ass out of jail for assaulting that stupid fucking Paki bastard wiseass. Fuck Dubai! What kind of a sick demented fucking idiot would want to live in this shit hole?
August 15th: (Independence Day?) Fuck this place. I'm flying back to New York

Nasty humour
What is worse than a dead dog on your piano? An infected pussy on your organ.
What's better than hugging a doggie? Kissing a pussy
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
What do you call a nun with a sex change? A tran-sister.
What do you give the pedophile who has everything? Another parish
Why are faggots so generous? They don't know how to be tight-arsed.
How do you make paper dolls? Fuck an old bag.
Why were lesbians invented? So radical feminists wouldn't breed.
What are invisible and smell like dog food? Old people's farts.
How do you know when you're getting old? You dreams are dry and your farts are wet.
My ex-wife was so frigid that when you spread her legs a light came on!

Top Ten Lines from Bond Movies
10. Octopussy
Magda: "He suggests a trade. The egg for your life."
Bond: "Well, I heard the price of eggs was up, but isn't that a little high?"
9. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
(A villain chases Bond and skis into a snow-blower, which then sprays red snow.)
Bond: "He had a lot of guts!"
8. Thunderball
(Whilst placing Fiona Volpe's body in a chair after she is shot on the dance floor.)
Bond: "Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."
7. Tomorrow Never Dies
(Whilst Bond is in bed with his Scandinavian language tutor.)
Bond: "I always enjoyed learning a new tongue."
6. Casino Royale
(As Le Chiffre tortures Bond by striking his testicles with a carpet beater.)
Bond: "Now the whole world will know that you died scratching my balls."
5. Moonraker
Bond: "Miss Anders… I didn't recognize you with your clothes on."
4. Goldfinger
(After dropping a lamp into a bathtub to electrocute a henchman.)
Bond: "Shocking! Positively shocking!"
3. Diamonds are Forever
Tiffany Case: "I'll finish dressing."
James Bond as Peter Franks: "Oh please don't, not on my account."
2. Goldfinger
Bond: "Who are you?"
Pussy: "My name is Pussy Galore."
Bond: "I must be dreaming."
1. You Only Live Twice
Tiger Tanaka: "Rule number two; in Japan, men come first, women come second."
Bond: "I just might retire here."

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

Excerpts from letters of complaint from tenants of UK public housing to the authorities.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's all the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2

I was speaking with an Anthropologist, a Methodist, who was studying the Inuit. He told me of a group of Inuit who mourn the death of relatives by sitting on small blocks of ice for a week after burial. When I asked him what they call this custom of sitting on a block of ice, he replied: "I think they call it sitting shiver."

A Gabbai walks up to a man in shul and tells him they want to give him an aliyah. He asks him what his Hebrew name is, and he answers "Esther bat Moshe". The Gabai questions the Esther part and the man responds..."I put everything in my wife's name"

A single woman I know was complaining that there are just too many guys out there with a five year car lease, a 30 year mortgage, a lifetime gym membership, but who are afraid of commitment!