Friday Funnies November 28 08

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1." --Jay Leno

"And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota." --Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno

"Well you know what's really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn't president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. 'Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'"

"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman

"Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it's Thanksgiving 'cause I turn on the TV this morning, there's 'The Rachael Ray Show.' You watch 'The Rachael Ray Show.' And, by God, there's Sarah Palin stuffin' a moose. But, you know, it's a great time of year to help people less fortunate than we are. So this Thanksgiving, if you can, why not bring home a Lehman Brother?" --David Letterman

"Diane Sawyer had an exclusive interview tonight on '20/20' with former Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-class call girl. Remember this? Her name's Ashley Dupre. This is the first time she's spoken on camera about doing it with governor. And, she claims she didn't know Spitzer was the governor when he hired her for sex. She wouldn't say how often they got together. And this is kinda the strange thing: She doesn't think of herself as a prostitute [on screen: Dupre uses the word 'escort,' and then is asked by Sawyer, 'What's the difference?' Dupre, in response, 'I think ... it's the same.']. Okay, so they agreed to agree. Escorts also tend to have more teeth in my experience." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes [on screen: a 'cover' of Palin's book, called 'Jus' Tellin' My Story']" --Seth Meyers

"Bill Clinton, what a stand-up guy. He went to Barack Obama and he said he will do anything to help Hillary become secretary of State. He said, "Look, I'll remove my profile from eHarmony.com. And he's going to place all his interns in a blind trust." --David Letterman

"Well, here's some exciting television news. Tomorrow night, Ashley Dupre, who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, will be interviewed tomorrow night on '20/20.' Unless of course she has to rush back to Washington to fix the economy." --David Letterman

"International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don't have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs." --Jay Leno

"Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story -- remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute -- giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, 'Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, there's one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, 'How much for the both of them?' That was really awkward." --Jay Leno
"The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien
"In case you didn't hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an 'n' to the end of it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno

"That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!" --Jay Leno

"The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'" --Jay Leno

"They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage." --Jay Leno

"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno

"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno

"And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He's on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison." --Jay Leno

"Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour." --Jay Leno

"Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she'll be named Secretary of State. They're talking about that. And she'll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes." --David Letterman

Why is American Thanksgiving always on a Thursday? (from the Farmer’s Almanac)
Thursday seems to have evolved first as tradition, then as a matter of national law. We don't know for sure which day of the week the Pilgrims' famous first Thanksgiving actually occurred, for instance. That Thanksgiving, interestingly, took place in mid-October, not November. For a brief time beginning in 1668, November 25 was considered the "legal" annual day of Thanksgiving, but that practice lasted only five years. It may be that Thursday became tradition in order to distance the event from the Sabbath day among the Puritan colonists. Thursday was also a typical day for lectures in New England, with ministers giving a religious talk each Thursday afternoon. This practice may have contributed to the Thursday Thanksgiving tradition. Since George Washington's time, Thursday has been the day, and this was solidified by Abraham Lincoln's proclamation in 1863 designating the national day of Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday of November. Later that was amended to the fourth Thursday in November. It's important here to note that neither Lincoln, nor anyone else, ever declared the Friday after Thanksgiving as the national day of shopping.

At this season I just can’t help repeating this one – it still makes me laugh out loud:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov.17, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Nov.18, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: Nov.19, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name on the note. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: Nov.20, 2008,
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: Nov.21, 2008
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. The rest of you fucking weirdoes can kiss my ass.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The BITCH from HELL!!!!!!

Why Italians can’t be paramedics:
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.' And then a shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... now what?'

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each side would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its side the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rotweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, and fed them the best food. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We do not understand,' said their leader. 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rotweilers. They developed a killing machine.' 'Really?' the Israeli General replied. 'For five years, we've had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to get back a ton of shit.”

On a small farm up in the remote highlands of Scotland a wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said: 'Angus, lad, you hold this licht high so I can see what I'm daein!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Achh Angus’, said the doctor, 'Dinna be in such a hurry tae pit that lantern doon – ya ken there's anither-yin coming. Bring the licht! Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. A few minutes later the doctor said, ‘Angus, bring the licht, there's anither-yin!' So Angus brought the light hand the doctor delivered a third baby. A few minutes later the doctor said yet again, Angus, Angus, bring the licht!’ Angus just backed away and said, ‘No, I’ll no bring the licht! I think it’s the licht that’s attractin’ them!’

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Oldie Goldie
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looked at the tree and grunted, 'Tree.' The priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, 'Rock.' The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The priest was really flustered and quickly responded, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them! The priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he had spent a year teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied: "My bike"

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

What is a grandparent? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'
When asked where Grandma lived, a six year old said, “Oh, she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim or Mr. Yonson."

An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue in a hi-rise condo, built a Sukkah on his terrace. Some of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbours brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighbourhood. In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He prayed for help. And Hashem listened. Judge Ginsberg, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him. "Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars." "You have exactly eight days to do so. Next case!"

Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat? The best Talmudic scholars have come up with the following: One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
Another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill? There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you God for straightening those who are bent;
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising the dead.

You Might Be An Orthodox Rabbi If:
1) Ten people ask you the same question and you give 11 different answers.
2) You spend more time with your chevrusa than you do with your wife.
3) You mumble words of Mishnayos while you are sleeping.
4) Your wife gets pregnant twice in the same year.
5) You've spent the majority of your life eating Yeshiva food.
6) You shuckle profusely while driving your car.
7) You spend more time in the bathroom across from the Beis Medrash than you do than you do in your own house.
8) You drive a 1985 brownish tan station wagon.
9) Gavaltik and Gashmak are part of your everyday vocabulary.
10) You have 11 children and they are all under the age of Bar Mitzvah.
11) Your entire beard is grey, but the rest of your hair isn't.
12) You stroke your beard whenever someone asks you a question.
13) You're always holding a sefer and you wear BIG GOOFY glasses.
14) You start shvitzing half way through Shmonei Esrei.
15) You own 20 dress shirts, but they are all button down white.
16) You own ten suits, but it looks like you only have one set of clothing.
17) You never watch TV. unless it is a Yankees playoff game.
18) Every time someone asks you for advice you tell them to go to Israel.
19) You quote to your children from the Midrash every time they do something wrong.
20) You say bless you even when someone doesn't sneeze.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn! With my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'; more 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God has blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally.