Friday Funnies December 5 08

"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno

"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno

"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno

"According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away." --Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno

"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market." --Jay Leno

"Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused." --Jay Leno

"In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!" --Jay Leno

"Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, 'What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'" --Jay Leno

"The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. How about that, huh? Yeah. I believe it's the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat. Isn't that ironic?" --Jay Leno

We're going from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants." --Jay Leno

"Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said in a recent interview that Republicans 'cannot be the old, white guy party.' That's what he said. I believe he made this statement at a national shuffleboard convention in Boca Raton, Florida." --Jay Leno

Doctors' Opinion of the Financial Bailout Package
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatrician said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in Washington.
That about covers it.

The market is in such bad shape we hear from Hasbro that the Banker from Monopoly has gone bankrupt! Apparently it all started with some bad investments on Baltic Avenue, Marvin Gardens and Ventnor Avenue that were victims of the Sub Prime Mortgage fiasco, but it quickly spread to solvency problems with the Railroads, Water Works and Electric Company and finally in the bankruptcy of Boardwalk and Park Place. Apparently even the Community Chest is empty and the Banker is all out of ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards and can’t have another Chance. Hey, life is tough all over! (maybe the company should change their name to Had, Bro).

These days you hear the word ‘liquidity’ a lot. That’s because you check out your investments and then wet your pants!

So far, on the New White House Staff we have: Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod, Ronald Klain, Larry Summers, Paul Volcker, Tim Geithner and Peter Orszag. Maybe it's just because I'm Jewish, but am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?

So Santa gets a letter: “Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Johnny”
So Santa wrote back: "Dear Johnny, Send me your mother..."

According to the Japanese, there are certain personality traits that seem to match up with certain blood types. Just for your enjoyment, here’s the skinny.
TYPE O: Trendsetter - loyal - passionate - self-confident - independent - ambitious - vain - jealous. You want to be a leader and when you see something you want you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are trend-setter, loyal, passionate and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously as well you have a tendency to be competitive.
TYPE A: Calm - patient - sensitive - responsible - overcautious - stubborn - unable to relax. You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Your weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.
TYPE B: Individualist - dislike custom - strong - optimistic - creative - flexible - wild - unpredictable. You are a rugged individual who is straight forward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. But your instance on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.
TYPE AB: Cool - controlled - rational - sociable - popular - critical - sometimes standoffish - indecisive. Cool and controlled you are generally well like and always put people at ease. You are a natural entertainer who is tactful and fair. But you are standoffish, blunt and have difficulty making decisions.
Compatibility by Blood Groups:
A is most compatible with A and AB
B is most compatible with B and AB
AB is most compatible with AB, B, A and O
O is most compatible with O, and AB

Response from E-Harmony:
Sorry, your application to join our matchmaking service has been rejected. You failed Question #14: “What do you like most in a woman?” “MY DICK” is not an acceptable answer!
E-Harmony Webmaster

A little girl asked her Father, 'How did the human race appear?' The Father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her Mother the same question. The Mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her Father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys. The Father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mother told you about hers.

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."

Here’s a funny bit from a black comedian:
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics in Toronto with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today' Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angels between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. ''It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything. After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too!”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The Mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold. ”The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter and said "My nose is cold." "Then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner on e night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy...) 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just just... excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs

The Chasana
The envelopes were all addressed, the stamps were put on the envelopes, and the invitations were ready to be mailed. Mr. &Mrs. Mordechai Moontik and Mrs. Donnershtik took one more look at the Russian side of the last invitation before sealing it. The invitations read:

Mr. &Mrs. Dovid Donnershtik
Request the Honor of Your Presence
At the Marriage of Their Children
SHANE YINGEL
AND
SHAYNA MAIDEL
On Tuesday, the Second of September
Two Thousand and Eight
At Six O'clock in the Evening
Shalom Shul
Yenemvelt, Europe

Mrs. Donnershtik felt a tear roll down her cheek as she sealed the last envelope. It was a tear of joy. Her beautiful daughter was marrying a handsome young man from a very fine family. It was the up and coming event in Yenemnvelt and all its inhabitants were talking about it. Soon the replies started coming. Mr. &Mrs Kumtahair would come.
Mr. &Mrs. Simchagait.and Mr. &Mrs. Gayveiter were traveling a long distance just to see Shayna Maidel get married. Mr. &Mrs. Fielekinder were coming with all their children, and Mrs. Rajinkas was coming with Mrs. Mandlin.
Unfortunately, Mr. &Mrs. Keinekoyach did not have the strength for such a long trip and had to decline the invitation, as did Mr. &Mrs. Fahrshtaitnit. Mr. Donnershtik made a mental note to call Mrs Fahrshtaitnit in case there was some misunderstanding regarding the invitation.
The day of the chasana finally arrived. Everyone was all excited. Mr. Donnershtik received a phone call from Mrs. Rachmonas. Apparently Mrs. Krankeit wasn't feeling well and Mrs. Rachmonas did not want to leave her alone. So both ladies would not be able to attend the chasana. Mr. &Mrs. Schpatzeer decided to walk to the shul since it was only two blocks from where they lived. Mr. &Mrs. Shpatseernisht drove. Mr. &Mrs. Shluffengut arrived a little late but, Baruch Hashem, they didn't miss the Chuppah. Mr.. &Mrs. Goornisht forgot to bring the present and Mr. &Mrs Kochleffel checked everyone's attire. Mr. &Mrs. Essengut went right to the buffet table. Mr. &Mrs. Shicker went to the bar. Mr. &Mrs. Tantsmaven went to check out the band. Mr. &Mrs. Yenta greeted everyone as they came in.
One would have thought it was their simcha. Mrs. Klug looked very smart in her tailored suit and Mr. Vachzenzolstdu wore his new suit. Mr. &Mrs. Oysgapitst looked elegant. Mr. &Mrs. Zager were right on time but Mr. &Mrs. Farshpatig were detained and did not arrive until right before the Chupah.
Everyone from both sides of the famaily came, and ate, and danced and had a wonderful time. All agreed that it was one of the nicest, most frailichen chasana they had ever attended.
The next day, Mrs. Donnershtik called Mrs. Krankeit to see how she was feeling. Mrs. Krankeit said she was feeling a little better and wanted to know all about the chasana. "What food did you serve?" she asked. Mrs. Donnershtik told her all about the buffet and the chicken dinner and the delicious desserts. "Did the neighbors come?" asked Mrs. Krankeit. "Most of them" answered Mr. Dnnershtik. "And what about the families? "Which family members came" asked Mrs. Krankeit. "Alla Moontiks and Donner shtiks" said Mrs. Donnershtik.
THE END

Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much. "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost" said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property. "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi, "Robbers?" "No , even worse!" screamed the priest, "Schnorers!"