Friday Funnies November 14 08

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During the Bush/Obama Meeting
10. You sure you want this job?
9. Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me "Barack-odile Dundee."
8. Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun.
7. I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you.
6. Honest opinion: would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?
5. Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?
4. The red phone is for talking to world leaders, the blue phone is for ordering Domino's.
3. When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 pm.
2. Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?
1. When can you start?

"But yesterday was a big day, because George Bush graciously invited President-elect Barack Obama. So you had there in the White House, the president-elect and the president-inept. It was a nice gathering." --David Letterman

"In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He'll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally we're getting some young blood in there." --Jay Leno

"And there's a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up Secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, 'Yes!'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they move to the White House. And he's already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today, President Clinton told him the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female." --Jay Leno

"Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess." -Bill Maher

"Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'" -Bill Maher

"Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'" -Bill Maher

"Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence." -Bill Maher

"And yet, with all these problems, somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. ... But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they're allowed to be miserable." --Bill Maher

"We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides." --Bill Maher

"The effects of the Barack Obama election win are still reverberating throughout the country. A lot of pride in the African-American community. Have you noticed that? And listen to the latest rumor. You hear about this? ... Michael Jackson now considering going back to being a black guy." --Jay Leno

"Been a lot of stories from Germany about how America has come to terms with its past and is beginning to make up for it. Now look. I know our country is not perfect, but we do a pretty good job working out our problems. Do we need a lecture from Germany? When they elect a Jewish chancellor, give me a call. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"Of course, everybody now is speculating what the future of the GOP will be. GOP now stands for, of course, 'Ganging up on Palin.'" --Jay Leno

"The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right?" --Jay Leno

"A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn't know that Africa was a continent. To which President Bush said, 'I didn't know either. I thought it was a vowel.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you see this story in Newsweek this week? One of the things they complained about, that when some campaign staffers went up to Sarah Palin's hotel room to talk to her, she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel. Apparently, some of the guys on the campaign staff complained. Yeah, yeah, the ones it didn't happen to." --Jay Leno

"It was revealed that Dick Cheney, we haven't seen much this week, spent Election Day in South Dakota, shooting peasants, I mean, pheasants." --Jay Leno

"And in other election news, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize marijuana, it won by 65% of the vote, which is amazing. Well, that is huge. It's really big when you consider, most marijuana supporters don't even show up at the polls until next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"Actually, according to the papers today, the economy is hurting prostitutes. They say the prostitutes working the brothels in Nevada are having a hard time making enough money to pay their mortgages. Yeah, business is way down. Which is kind of sad. I mean, you hate to see these women just out walking the streets, you know?" --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Daily News, a New Jersey City Councilman named Steve Lipski got so drunk at a Grateful Dead tribute band concert -- not even the Grateful Dead, a Grateful Dead tribute band concert -- he urinated off the balcony of the nightclub onto the people below. A politician urinating on people. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, foreplay" --Jay Leno

"Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which was a return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin:
10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner.
9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Governor Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips.
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2."
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories."
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available everywhere.
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs.
3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's.
2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe #12 on "Deal Or No Deal."
1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"

Since the news that Barack Obama has selected Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff, maybe we should ponder this. In Hebrew, Barak (spelled bet, resh, koof) means lightning. Rahm (spelled resh, ayin, mem) means thunder. They should make quite a combo!

Known as a tough competitor, Rahm (a.k.a.Rahmbo) lost the top of his middle finger as a teenager in a work-related mishap at Arby’s, so if he’s gonna flip you the bird, watch out for his left hand!

Overheard at the chip bar, one chip to another, "I'm a Hostess, are you Fritolay."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. 'No way', the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her upper inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And then he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the 'new' bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked!!! Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen are other huge stacks of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the halls - everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her up on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but ...no one says a word. Then, he looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still...totally dead silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the damn dishes!'

Oldie Goldie
An old Italian women gets on the elevator on the bottom floor of a large department store and presses the fourth floor. At the next floor the doors open and a diva dressed to the nines strides on accompanied by the unmistakable smell of fine perfume, looks down at the Italian woman and says, “Obsession - $360 an ounce!” On the third floor the doors open and a fur-clad statuesque blonde steps on filling the cabin with a cloud of yet another fine fragrance and announces, “Chanel #5 - $520 an ounce!” As the doors open on the fourth floor, the old Italian women lifts up her left knee, cracks out a twelve-note machine gun fart steps off the elevator and as the paint starts to peel off the walls announces, “Rapini – Seventy-nine cents a pound!”

Fascinating biology facts:
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

Revised 60’s hits titles to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Brand New Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favourite:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.

Very quietly I confided to my wife on the eve of our 50th anniversary, that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!

To make it stand, you wet it!
To make it wet, you suck it!
To make it stiff, you lick it!
To get it in, you push it!
Damn! Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH.