Friday Funnies May 29 09

"Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, 'Oh, great, a Republican!'" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars." --Jay Leno

"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40% less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." --Jay Leno

"History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U.S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white." --Jimmy Fallon

"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher

"They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you're buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself." --Bill Maher

"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher

"We're $26 billion in the hole. I don't want to say it's bad, but today Mexico announced they're building a border fence." --Bill Maher

"There was sort of an unprecedented event this week when Obama was on television giving his version of national security, and then moments later Dick Cheney was on. It was all about Obama vs. Cheney: yes we can vs. go fuck yourself , biracial vs. bicentennial; walks with a spring, craps in a bag." --Bill Maher

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the other day that the prison at Guantanamo Bay has become a taint on the reputation of America. And that's what the Bush administration will always be remembered as -- America's taint." --Bill Maher

"Happy Memorial Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. And tomorrow, surprisingly, some of them may actually reopen." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. This is like big-time wrestling, isn't it? Man, it's like charisma versus arrhythmia." --Jay Leno

"I can't believe Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he is still president, you know?" --Jay Leno

"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno

"And researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis said getting herpes can give protection and prevent bubonic plague. Let me tell you something, okay? If you're dating people who have herpes and bubonic plague, you might get a refund from your online dating service." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, a bankruptcy judge has denied a chapter 11 proposal submitted by former NFL star, Michael Vick, after he filed a bankruptcy plan that allowed him to keep three cars and two houses. The judge argued you can't keep three cars and two houses if you're really bankrupt. And several AIG executives said, 'Oh, yeah?'" --Jay Leno

"It turns out Larry King has a son he didn't know he had, Larry King Jr. And it is no surprise, because anybody who knew the guy knew something was up, because he kept walking around saying 'Overland Park, Kansas, you're on the air. Bloomington, California, go ahead. Bismarck, North Dakota, do you have a question for Donna McKeckny?' That's right. Larry King, by the way, has been married eight times, ladies and gentlemen, eight times. He is the Octogroom." --David Letterman

"The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton's to-do list, 500 people long." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of a how-to discussion." --Jay Leno

"How about that Dick Cheney. I mean talk about a guy who's gone crazy, you know? Talk about a bearcat, a bulldog. I mean, he's -- he gave a big speech today on terror in the United States and how the Obama Administration better be careful, they don't want to go soft on terror. And the speech was, I don't know, I guess it was well-received. And Cheney was so excited, at the end of the speech he goes out into the lobby and he waterboarded folks." --David Letterman

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been in the news a lot this week, attacking President Obama. For eight years, this Dick Cheney never said two words, now all of a sudden he's like Regis, all over the place. He's been making so many speeches lately I'm starting to think he's not really dead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel

And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno (Hope this doesn’t get in the way of their celebration of first fruits (bikkurim) for Shavuot)

"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno

"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons." --Jimmy Fallon

A simple lesson in economics:
It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France it is raining, so there is not too much business. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives at the reception of a small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, takes a key, and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor. The hotel owner takes the money in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 Euros. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The supplier rushes to the farmer to pay 100 Euros for pigs that he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 Euro note to a local prostitute who had given him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients. At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the room is unsatisfactory. He takes back his 100 Euros and departs. There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt, and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future. Could this be the solution to the Global Financial Crisis?

Seven Famous People Who Died While Having Sex: (courtesy whipitoutcomedy.com)

Atilla the Hun
One of the greatest warriors in history was able to win a lot of his battles in his lifetime, but marriage was not one of them. Atilla suffered a heart attack while having sex with his wife...on their wedding night. Feel free to mention that the next time your girlfriend pesters you about making an honest woman out of her.


Jack McConaughey (Matthew McConaughey’s Dad)
In her recent book, Matthew McConaughey’s mother revealed that her husband died while having sex with her. Kay McConaughey went on to say that her husband’s death during sex was “the best way to go” and that she insisted he be taken from the house in the buff because she was “just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey – and his gift!” Matthew couldn't be reached for comment because he was off making a bad movie somewhere.

Pope John XII
The story behind Pope John XII’s death in 964 is disputed, but one of two things happened – either he had a heart attack while having sex with another man’s wife or the husband caught the Pope in the act of having sex with his wife and beat him to death. Either way, the Pope’s sex drive cost him his life.

Nelson Rockefeller
The former Vice President died in 1979 of a heart attack while having sex. But what makes Rockefeller’s death extra juicy is the fact that the woman under him when he died wasn’t his wife – it was his mistress Megan Marshak.

Michael Hutchence
The former lead singer of INXS gets the distinction of being the only person on this list that died having sex with himself. As was widely reported in the tabloids back in 1997, Hutchence was found dead in his hotel room naked and with a belt around his neck. Officially, his death was ruled a suicide but it’s believed the real cause of death was autoerotic asphyxiation.

Felix Faure
Leave it to the French to add a layer of soap opera drama to your typical sex death. Faure, the former President of France, died of a heart attack in his office while getting a blow job from a 30-year-old woman named Marguerite Steinheil. In an added twist, Steinheil went on to become a mistress to numerous famous French men after Faure’s death before eventually getting married. And then, mysteriously, her husband and stepmother were found strangled to death in their home.

Pope Paul II
Believe it or not, two Popes have made the list of famous people who have died during sex – make of that what you will. Anyway, in the case of Pope Paul II, he suffered a stroke in 1471 while being sodomized by a page boy. This explains so much...

A Man's Conversations With His Penis Through 3 Stages of Life by Brian Murphy

Early Adolescence:
Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I'm wearing sweatpants and we're right in the middle of class.
Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET'S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.
Brain: We're definitely not gonna do that.
Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.
Brain: Please go back to sleep.
Penis: FUCK NO. I'M AMPED.
Brain: But I've gotta do a presentation. Everyone's going to see you...
Penis: DON'T CARE.
Brain: Please, I'm begging you.
Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Young Adulthood:
Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.
Brain: She's crazy.
Penis: Crazy...IN THE SACK!
Brain: I'm not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.
Penis: WE'LL SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER.
Brain: No. I'll sort it out later. You'll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.
Penis: WHATEVER, MAN. STOP BEING GAY. WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?
Brain: Can't we just find someone else?
Penis: I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE. BEND TO MY WILL.

Old Age:
Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It's my 40th wedding anniversary.
Penis: ...Ugh.
Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.
Penis: Go away. I'm sleepy.
Brain: All I'm asking is for a few minutes.
Penis: With that old hag? That's an eternity.
Brain: That's my wife you're talking about!
Penis: She bores me.
Brain: What if I think about someone else?
Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET'S DO THIS.
Brain: Great. OK, here we go.
Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Brain: SON OF A BITCH.

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" he cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

A few riddles:
What do you call someone who has just printed 1,000 puns off the Internet? Well e-quipped.
What is something everyone has seen but will never see again? Yesterday.
Who invented fractions? Henry the Eighth.
What holds up a solar house? Sunbeams.
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? A secret.
In what bed is it perfectly okay to dump manure? A flower bed.
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb? Geometry.
What animal is best at math? Rabbits - they multiply fastest.
Why are misers good math teachers? They know how to make every penny count.
Why are bacteria bad mathematicians? Because they multiply by dividing.
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? Only one - the last one.
What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up? An umbrella.
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? Mount Everest.
It's been around for millions of years, but it's no more than a month old. What is it? The Moon.
What belongs to you but others use it more than you do? Your name.
What has one foot on each side and one in the middle? A yardstick.

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this".
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines".
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house!

You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If:
1. You light your Shabbat candles from your cigarette.
2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke.
3. Instead of a gregger (noisemaker), you fire a shotgun at Haman's name.
4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah.
5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher.
6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law.
7. You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
8. When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy.
9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion.
10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is a week’s time share on your hunting lease.

Why the "SH" is so important in YIDDISH
SH MUCK
SH LEPER
SH NORER
SH LIMAZL
SH VANTZ
SH VITZ
SH MENDRIK
SH TIPN ARAIN
SH TARK VI A FERD
SH PILKES IN TUCHES
SH EINER TUCHES
SH VARTZE
SH TICK DREK
SH KUTZEM
SH IKSA
SH AGETZ
SH ANDA
SH LEMIEL
SH UL
SH EP NACHAS
SH ABBOS
SH ADCHEN
SH IKKER
SH AMUS
SH IVA
SH AYTL
SH EHECHEYANU
SH ALOM
SH ECHINAH
SH ADCHEN
SH NOOK
SH USH

TOP 10 JEWISH TRADITIONS THAT COULD BE SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS:
10. "Hiding the Afikomen"
9. "Taking a Dip in the Mikvah"
8. "Separating your Meat from your Dairy"
7. "Noshing on Hamantaschen"
6. "Eating Out In the Sukkah"
5. "Planting Your Tu B'Shvat Tree"
4. "Grinding your Greggar"
3. "Shaking the Lulav"
2. "Kissing the Mezuzah"
1. "Blowing the Shofar"

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, even name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. How about recruiting women over fifty with PMS! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we‘ll have it secured the first night!

An e-mail buddy who is a retired teacher was complaining about a touchy-feely email I had sent out. I sent back an apology, saying “Sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with”. He replied, “What is this? A sentence ending with a preposition? That is a habit up with which I can not put.”
While I do plead ‘mea culpa’ to leaving one dangling, so to speak, I thought it perfectly acceptable in casual speech. I mean, what’s the harm in the odd dangle between friends anyway?
I guess you can take the teacher out of the school but you can never take the schooling out of the teacher!