Friday Funnies May 22 09

"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton's favorite ballet, 'The Nutcracker.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno

"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno

"Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He's been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." --Jay Leno

"Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney's secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President's house. Is that really a secret, huh? You're in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh." --Jay Leno

"And a Chicago company is now marketing hair products inspired by that idiot Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. This is real. This is the new product right here. It's called Head & Swindler. Can you read the back? It says, 'lather, rinse, impeach.' It's all right here." --Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' Huh, think I got a week and a half left? Huh?" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno

This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One." --Jimmy Fallon

"In the new issue of Newsweek, they're calling Barack Obama 'Spock with global sex appeal,' which is a bit of coincidence because Time magazine is calling Joe Biden 'Chewbacca with fur plugs.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terror suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we'll just have to wait for Dick Cheney's Christmas card." --Amy Poehler

"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to 'legalize the marijuana.' He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really." --Jay Leno

"You think security in Washington is so good? A Capitol police report said that a drunken man spent several hours wandering through the Hart Senate Office Building late at night, after he parked his car in the garage, staggered into the building drunk, didn't get stopped or challenged by anybody. Security didn't do anything to the guy. In fact, they first realized he wasn't a real senator when, after three hours, he hadn't groped anybody, raised taxes or taken a bribe." --Jay Leno

"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. Said the whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson

"It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam. 'There was a young man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket.'" --Craig Ferguson

"What a good crowd, boy! It's obvious you folks don't have money in the stock market. Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss California's top." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they're embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead." --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger says he is trying to get marijuana legalized here in the California. He wants to legalize it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe his campaign slogan is 'Change We Can Breathe In.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the New York State Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the State Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways." --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Memoir:
10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech.
9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs.
8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight.
7. "Memoir" is misspelled.
6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble.
5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish."
4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio.
3. Sworn in as Governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine.
2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper.
1. She voted for Obama

Meanwhile, here is an example of Sporting Irony: A little known fact...
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible - so many men dying that way!' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

Top Ten Misquoted Movie Lines:
1. “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back”
Misquote: “Luke, I am your father.” – Darth Vader
Real quote: One syllable words, heavy breathing and a mask hide the real line, which is, “No, I am your father.” It makes sense in context.

2. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”
Misquote: “Mirror, mirror on the wall.” – Evil Queen
Reality: “Magic mirror on the wall.” She didn’t have a stutter; you just thought she did.

3. “Casablanca”
Misquote: “Play it again, Sam.” – Rick Blaine
Reality: The dialogue wasn’t as succinct as that. In truth, Bogie’s actual line was, “You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can. Play it!”

4. “Silence of the Lambs”
Misquote: “Hello, Clarice” – Hannibal Lector
Reality: Hannibal is much classier than a meager hello. He actually said, “Good evening, Clarice.” Luckily for all those walking around misquoting him, “Hello Clarice” was popped into the sequel.

5. “Star Trek”
Misquote: “Beam me up, Scotty.” – Captain Kirk
Reality: There were a lot of lines with a similar sentiment but the closest was “Scotty, beam us up.”

6. “…And Justice For All”
Misquote: “I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole courtroom is out of order!” – Arthur Kirkland
Reality: When provoked by the judge, Al Pacino actually snaps back with, “You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They’re out of order!” Same sentiment, just harder to quote.

7. “Field of Dreams”
Misquote: “If you built it, they will come.” – Ray Kinsella
Reality: My kingdom for a pronoun – the actual quote was, “If you build it, he will come.”

8. “Dirty Harry”
Misquote: “Do you feel lucky, punk?” – Harry Callahan
Reality: “You’ve got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, Punk?”

9. “The Wizard of Oz”
Misquote: “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.” Or “Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.” – Dorothy
Reality: “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

10. “The Graduate”
Misquote: “Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” – Benjamin
Reality: Naïve and young maybe, but not questioning: Hoffman’s line was “You’re trying to seduce me.”

@Work:

I was on the computer in my office when my eight-year-old son asked what I did for a living.
"I'm a consultant," I said. "What's a consultant?" "It's someone who watches people work and then tells them how they could do it better." "We have people like that in my class," he said, "but we call them pests."

The instructor of our paramedic certification class taught us to keep performing chest compressions until backup arrived. "But what if we can't keep going?" a fellow student wanted to know, "should we call 911?""Son," said our instructor, "you are 911."

I was furiously cranking out reports recently when my office mate got a phone call. I did my best to ignore what I heard him tell the person on the other end: "No, I'm not busy. I'm just at work."

From the department of the stunningly obvious comes this statement from a reporter at the scene of a murder: "Some people in this neighborhood feel this should never have happened."

For a story about safe driving, a BBC anchorwoman had this revelation: "Most cars have only one occupant, usually the driver."

Going with a prisoner to the local hospital to have blood work done was too much for me: I fainted as the needle was inserted into his arm. I was out for only a second, but it was long enough for the inmate to become concerned for my well-being. "You know," he said, "if you take these cuffs off me, I can drive us back to prison."

SIGNS OF THE TIMES:
Discovered: the key to one local store's success. Posted on its signboard was this warning: "We no longer accept bad checks."

A nearby pet shop has something for everyone. Its flyer reads: "Pet Lovers' Special: $5 Rabies."

My favorite Chinese restaurant is the real deal. A sign screams, "Authentic Chinese Food---New York Style."

Two men taking a coffee break in their office come face to face. Each has a mug that says on it: "World's Greatest Dad". One says to the other, "Are you saying my kid's a liar?"

Kids are quick and cute – Here are a few examples:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!' Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?' The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

A three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is holding on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right. The mother says, “Billy, you’ve been there a long time. Is everything OK?” Billy says, ”I’m fine Mummy, I just haven’t gone doody yet.” The mother says, ”OK you can stay for a few more minutes, but why are you hitting yourself on the head?” Billy says, “Works for ketchup!”

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, age 6....that last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses ... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... How?
6. Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
7. No news is... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new... Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust... Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
13. An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is... not much.
17. Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you... See in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand... is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than... pregnant

Questions That Haunt Me:
- If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
- They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"

A rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis." They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch. The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.” The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" Yes I have, says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" “Yes" says the man. “What is your decision?" asks the doctor. “We're getting granite countertops."