Friday Funnies June 5 09

Just to let you know, tomorrow I'm heading off on a two week trip to Scotland with a Toronto scotch tasting club visiting about 17 of their finest distilleries. As we will be in some of the more remote parts of the country, possibly lacking easy access to the internet, I'm not sure that I'll find the time to to attend to the Friday Funnies for a couple of weeks.

"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien

"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman

"Then Cheney is on television yesterday. He's giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman

"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman

"Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in." --Craig Ferguson

"There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here." --Craig Ferguson

"You know about that North Korean madman dictator Kim Jong Il. Well, there's word he may be letting go and stepping down. And apparently to get the guy to relinquish power, in order to get him to step down and leave his office, they offered him the 10:00 spot. I just heard that. And they think he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong 'W' Il." --David Letterman

"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, 'Hey, who's up for a vote? Just kidding, my son's going to do it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm so glad to see things working out for Lil' Kim." --Jimmy Fallon

"If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno, everything goes to hell around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.' Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and 'The Tonight Show'' is sponsored by General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge night for me. I remember watching Johnny Carson when I was a kid and thinking, 'That's what I want to be when I grow up.' I'm sure right now somewhere in America, there's a little kid watching me, thinking, 'What is wrong with that man's hair? Is that even a man? Why is she crying?' Stick with it, kid!" --Conan O'Brien

"I want to say something. I think they have built us a beautiful studio here in Los Angeles. Absolutely gorgeous. This studio holds 380 people. That's right. Yeah, it's exactly like being at a Clippers game. I found what works in this town." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors filed for bankruptcy. Said they owe $175 billion, filed for bankruptcy. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You know what it means, GM filing for bankruptcy? I'll tell you what it means. It means another enormous bonus for their CEO That's what it means." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers' money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America's brother-in-law. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Over the weekend George W. Bush -- you remember George W. -- and Bill Clinton, Bubba -- you remember Bubba. They had a debate up there in Toronto, Canada. Up in Toronto. Yeah. The last time they were both in Canada, I think, was when they were trying to get out of Vietnam. Is that right? Do you remember? Something like that. I don't know." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson

"There's also the good news that today, Dick Cheney received a marriage proposal from Senator Larry Craig." --Craig Ferguson

"I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first." --Jimmy Fallon

"So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? [on screen: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asking, 'My question is, does she really understand what America is about?']. Excellent question for the American-born judge." --Jon Stewart

"Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's pronounced 'Sodomizer.'" --Jon Stewart

"Now, folks, I've said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn't a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media." –Stephen Colbert

"Sotomayor brings up the most despicable discrimination against white males out there, that we have no life stories! Sure, Obama's life story shaped him. Same goes for Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. And now everyone's saying it about Sonia Sotomayor. Notice how no one ever talks about the unique journey of a white male like Mitt Romney! You don't think his judgment and empathy were forged by long, hard days working at his family's mayonnaise farm?" –Stephen Colbert

"Plus, if we conservatives try to stand up to this reverse racism, we're going to lose crucial Latino votes, just as GOP leaders were beginning their outreach to Hispanics! Many have even asked their gardener what his name is!" –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood. And, really, is there any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood? The place that brought you four 'Terminator' sequels, 10 'Police Academy' movies and 29 'Star Trek' films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas." --Jay Leno

"Hey, tonight, former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held a debate in Toronto. I wish I had one more day." --Jay Leno

"Tonight was the last 'Tonight Show' hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I'd like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the 'Tonight Show. He said, 'This, of course, is the 'Tonight Show,' the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than 'Murphy Brown.' That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, 'unqualified.' And, you know, her personal background, Puerto Rican, raised in the New York City housing projects. Will be played in a movie by Rosie Perez, or John Leguizamo in drag. One of the two." --Bill Maher

"Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher

"She's, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say ... that a wise Latina woman ... with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point." --Bill Maher

"What is so ironic about this is that this is why the Republican party is so in the wilderness right now, because it is a party where policy has been made for so many years by people who never had these kind of experiences. Real-life, real people experiences: Poverty, lack of health care, racism. I mean, the last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid getting in his drugs." --Bill Maher

"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher

"But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian -- yeah, like he came over from the Mayflower. That's Armenian, I would guess. He says she's not pronouncing her name right, and that's sort of offensive to the rest of us 'real Americans,' Mr. Kerkorian, and that she ... pronounces 'Sotomayor' [with the] accent on the last syllable. That's not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a 'natural English pronunciation.' So whenever I refer to this guy, I'm going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a 'doucheBAG.'" --Bill Maher

"Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy." --Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren't you legally a Republican at this point? I think so." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire, which ironically is also the Democratic energy policy -- earth, wind and fire.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden's teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that's when you know you're talking to too much -- when even Mother Nature goes, 'Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.'" --Jay Leno

"Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that's because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. I'm not an economist, but here's a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us." --Jay Leno

"And we're learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because the Supreme Court's next session doesn't begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it." --Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question: 'Let's see how you look under that robe.'' --Jay Leno

"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno

"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon

Recession Updates:
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off!
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.
3. Iron man is now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money.
5. With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune? Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
7. Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean? In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a Wall Street banker: This is worse than divorce. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife!

Yeah, the economy is so bad we hear Obama’s gonna put a 40 per cent tax on aspirin because it’s white and it works!

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN CHECK BELOW:

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the gun have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer: BANG!

Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Oldie Goldie
Bob can't get an erection, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Bob asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him that they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephants' trunk, insert them in the base of the penis, and hope for the best. Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he agrees to have the surgery. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery, and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to ' Try out his new equipment.' Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner, Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him, so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this, his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a bun from the bread basket, and disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and gets a sly look on her face. She says, ' That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another bun up my ass.'

Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics have more nuf.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

And from the “Kids say the darnedest things” department:
• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
• A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
• My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Mario)
• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

The health corner:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

On the subject of health, now is as good a time as any to repeat the Ten Benefits of Sex:
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!' Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, 'And to think all these years, I've been chewing gum.'