Friday Funnies June 26 09

"Have you been following what's going on in Iran? Oh, it's crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn't ruin the swinging Iranian night life." --David Letterman "

And the leader of Iran's opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he's ready to become a martyr. Don't kid yourselves. It's tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you're only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops." --David Letterman "

According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers." --Conan O'Brien "

Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like 'low tar' and 'light.' The tobacco companies said from now on they'll label their low tar cigarettes as 'less cancerific.'" --Conan O'Brien "

The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we're going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher

"No, it's sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that's propped up by oil, that's led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska." "Don't you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that's how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what's going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they're dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service." --Bill Maher

"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher

"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher

"Today, Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there's no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know, I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross." --Jimmy Fallon

"But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"But the Iranian supreme leader will be speaking about the presidential election tomorrow. And if he does well, Al Jazeera will give him the 10:00 p.m. spot." --David Letterman

"The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life." --Conan O'Brien

"Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she's telling everybody it was sniper fire." --Craig Ferguson

"The Secret Service performed beautifully but they had to use the Jaws of Life to cut Hillary out of her pantsuit." --Craig Ferguson

"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon "Here's some good news. President Obama just appointed Tom Brokaw to his Commission on White House Fellowships, mostly because he loves to hear Brokaw try to pronounce fellowship." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess there was some good news for Detroit. That's a tough city going through tough times. But the deal between Chrysler and Fiat went through this week. There is now going to be a Chrysler-Fiat. All the reliability of a Fiat, combined with the youthful appeal of a Chrysler. Even Oprah couldn't give this shit away" --Bill Maher

"It's been reported, I think this just came out today, that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it's the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter." --Conan O'Brien

"The country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of President Obama, a new book is coming out; hasn't been out yet, I think. But it's coming out. And it claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, where their relationship was somewhat frosty. Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd kill for somewhat frosty.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I'm learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That's true. Luckily for us, that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here." --Conan O'Brien

"Think about this. Obama is in the Middle East trying to straighten out the world, trying to make things better than they were. And talk about pressure, talk about a guy who's being busy, talk about a guy, every move is being scrutinized. Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have John McCain. He's at a bakery waiting for his number to be called." --David Letterman

"Sooner or later, every president has to go to the Middle East. President Bush went to negotiate agreements on oil prices. President Clinton went to negotiate agreements on oil wrestling." --Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden put out a new audiotape today. I'm like, you're a bit behind the times, you know. We don't use the audiotape. Everyone is on Twitter now." --Craig Ferguson

"A new poll shows that Americans have a more negative view of Muslim countries now than back in 2002. That's because the media never reports any of the good bombings." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon


"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"Have any of you been watching this show, 'Inside the Obama White House'? It's a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty five women and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama's love. And Congress votes them out one by one." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs It's Time For Kim Jong-Il to Retire:
10. Recently spent 11 hours interrogating a coat rack.
9. Instead of "dear leader" now insists on being called "Petey."
8. Hasn't stopped sobbing since Susan Boyle lost.
7. Plans to spend summer following Coldplay.
6. Eager to appear in new reality show, "I'm a murderous dictator...get me out of here!"
5. Hardly ever updates his erotic blog.
4. Spends all day watching classic episodes of "Miami Vice" on Hulu.
3. Hinting he wants to play quarterback for the Vikings.
2. Republic already named his successor, Conan Jong-il.
1. Having trouble getting his missile off the ground, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Three men were comparing notes on training their new wives. The first man married a woman that was Polish. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman that was Italian. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a woman that was Jewish. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Newfoundlanders have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You’re going to die anyway, so live life and drink till you cannot lift your own mug! Newfie Medical Dictionary
Artery............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria......................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan....................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.............................. A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................ To live long
Enema...........................Not a friend
Fester........................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula........................... A small lie
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates..... .................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.............................. I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out

Skinny little Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this humungous black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown. 'The little Newfie faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little white Newfie says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!'

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when," he says. He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. '
An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company ' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike... '
'Looks like the Sanders are moving '
'Jason is on his skate board.... '
'The Coopers are having sex!! '
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex? ' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Four Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

A hard woman once said that living with a man is like a deck of playing cards because you need a Heart to love him, A Diamond to marry him, a Club to smash his fucking head in and a Spade to bury the bastard!

Life in a nutshell: Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor? 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

A blonde asks her boyfriend to help her with a killer jigsaw puzzle that she couldn't figure out how to get started. Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend takes one look at the pieces spread on the table, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “Sweetie, we’ll never make a rooster from these pieces so let me just help you put all the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes back in the box.”

This is the fairytale that should have been read to us as children:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.” That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, “I don’t fucking think so!”

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser". To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!"

Eve’s side of the story:After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Moshe was a very successful banker in New York, but it was making him sick, so he moved to Montana to take up ranching. He was always observant to the laws of Moses and in fact whenever he had a major decision to make he always referred to the Torah (the 5 books of Moses). His ranch became extremely successful while all of his neighbours were in deep trouble. Finally the neighbours put together a committee to visit Moshe to find out how he does it. Moshe told them that whenever he has a major decision to make, he randomly opens up the text of the 5 books, puts his finger on a page and does whatever it tells him. For example, one day he wasn’t sure what type of farming to pursue, he flips open the book, put his finger down. It told the story of Abraham raising cattle. So Moshe invested in cattle and made a fortune. The townsfolk asked for another example. Again, Moshe related a story of another time when he wasn’t sure what crop to plant and randomly opening the book he came to the part that talked of Joseph and the wheat Once again, this method proved successful and Moshe increased his wealth. The townsfolk thanked him and left. When one of them had a major decision to make, he opened up his King James Bible, put his finger in and read: `CHAPTER 11``

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer? Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge. I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele." Shmuel thanked the judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-tractor trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my car right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How you feeling?" "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment. Go ahead SMILE... it's OK... it's good for you!

"It doesn't matter what we call our soul" Daddy Moses said, "What matters is where we travel and who it uplifts". "The Book of Negroes", by Lawrence Hill.