Friday Funnies June 12 09

Greetings from my Single Malt Whisky Tour of Scotland. My wife sent me on this trip with a scotch tasting club in honour of my 60th birthday, but it was actually recommended by my doctor as well, as I have been diagnosed as methyphobic (fearing alcohol). Thank goodness it was diagnosed in time and I can take this trip of seventeen distillery tours as exposure therapy. So far it seems to be working wonders! Cheers!

What a wonderful whisky tour we’re enjoying here in bonnie Scotland. After a tour of our first distillery, Auchentoshan (a very light triple-distilled Lowland malt), we spent our first night at the Argyll in Inverary on the western shore of Loch Fyne. Unfortunately we just missed the Blue Bell Festival by a few days, but luckily we were just in time for the Drink-As-Much-Scotch-As-You-Want Festival! Then we took the ferry crossing to the Inner Hebrides and the Isle of Islay. Upon arrival on Islay we headed to the town of Bowmore, on the south shore of Loch Indaal. We've been staying in the Bowmore Cottages on the grounds of the Bowmore Distillery. This is like heaven for me because my favourite malts are the maritime malts and my favourite Island is Islay (just one of 787 Scottish Islands and one of seven that have distilleries) and we toured all seven active distilleries (including my favourite, Lagavulin). The Ileach’s (as the island native’s are called) are a sturdy and very warm bunch of people.

We’re having a great time traveling by motor coach around Islay and visiting many distilleries and sundry landmarks and attractions. Yesterday we stopped at a cheese farm where a young guide led us through the process of cheese making, explaining that on this particular farm, goat's milk was used. She showed our group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in Canada with your old goats?' The gentleman beside me answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Last night in our hotel bar I ordered a single malt scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gave me the drink I told him, I was on this tour to celebrate my 60th birthday.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As I finished my drink, the man to my right said, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' I said, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a single malt scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As I finished that drink, the man to my left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' I said, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another single malt scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives me the drink, he says, 'Sir, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with only two drops of water?' I replied, 'Son, when you get to my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whoooooole other issue.'

One of the Ileach lads I was drinking with at a local pub is a bagpiper. He was telling us that the other day he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. The piper played out his heart and soul. As he played the workers began to weep. He played and he played like he'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. He closed the lengthy session with a particularly stirring rendition of Amazing Grace and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A few things you may not know about alcohol:

- Fermentation within the body is essential for human life to exist.

- It's impossible to create a beverage of over 18% alcohol by fermentation alone (hence the need for distillation)

- Dipsomania refers to an abnormal or insatiable craving for alcohol.

- When re-arranged, the letters in "whiskey" spell "key wish," those in "spirits" spell "sip it sir."

- The body or lightness of whiskey is primarily determined by the size of the grain from which it is made; the larger the grain, the lighter the whiskey. For example, whiskey made from rye, with its small grain size, is bigger or fuller-bodied than is whiskey made from corn, with its large grain size.

Another chap on the whisky tour spied a kilt in a shop that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted. The chap then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"

“Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland. He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. At the office he recieves his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland. He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authorised its translation. No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland. Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood.

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied "Ah, but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"

An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish customer grabs the balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. 'Did anyone else see ma face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments silence then one elderly Scottish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says... 'I think ma wife may have caught a wee glimpse...'

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.

One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? Nae bother - just take up a collection.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

Jock decided to call his fat father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!

Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...

Why do pipers march when they play the bagpipes? To get as far away from the noise as possible – besides, a moving target is harder to hit.

Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours. The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English. About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?" "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?" "About two acres" Jock replies. "You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!" the American boasts. "Aye", says Jock "I once had a car like that."

A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults." "Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."

Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?

McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.

A dear friend was the last of five Scottish sisters to marry. The confetti was filthy.

A Scottish farmer walking through his field, sees a man drinking water from a pond with his hand. The Scotsman shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that as full o coos sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but I did not understand a bloody word you spoke. I’m from Oxford so could you please address me in the Queen’s English! The farmer replies, “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Scottish Expressions explained by a Scotsman:
Aye we know there’s a lot o’ folk oot there who didnae understawm a word we sae. So here is a list o’ some o’ the words and phrases we use and a version o’ them in English.
Thatsnaeborra. It is no bother to do this.
Geesalight? Do you have a light for my cigarette please.
Geesabreak. I am running out of patience with you.
Geesafag? Could you give me one of your cigarettes please.
Howzitgaun? How are you today?
Whitasmather. Isn't that lady delightful.
Gonnaepirritinapoke? Could you please put this in a carrier bag?
Gerruptheweansgreetin. Please go and check on the baby, I hear it crying.
Watchooterrapolis. I thin we have better move along, I can see the local constabulary approaching.
Kinyegeemesumthinfurrit. I have a terrible pain and I would like something to take it away.
Gonnaegetratclowndoonhere. Please tell my husband to come downstairs.
Hawdoanaminutamdainsumthin. Please wait for a minute until I finish this.
Witdaeyewantnoo? What is it you want me to do now.
Aryegonygotaethebrooandsignoan? Are you going to go to the Social Security offices today.
Maheidisnippinthedayneveragain. My head is really sore today, I don't think I will drink again.
Thatbevywistaemuchferme. That alcoholic beverage was really quite strong.
Goangetusaweepokeyhatatthevan. Please get me an ice cream cone from the ice cream man.
Thatweewummansarightnippysweetie! That lady is very bad tempered.

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Scottish Jokes:
10. It took me a fortnight to get out all the thistles
9. I didn’t know you could also get wool from them!
8. It’s not a bagpipe, but don’t stop playing
7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
6. I’ve heard of comin’ through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
5. Of course she’s served millions - she’s a McDonald!
4. Oh, so YOU’RE Wade Boggs.
3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
2. Who’s burning argyles?
1. She’s in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red

MacBeth the Scot (Sung to the tune of my favourite song, "Mack the Knife")

Oh the Black Knight
Has a longswordAnd he keeps it
Gleaming brightJust a dagger
Has old MacBeth, DearBut he keeps it
Out of sight!

When the Black Knight
Strikes with his longswordBillows of scarlet
Start to spreadFancy gloves wears
Old MacBeth, DearSo there's never
Never a trace of red!

In the castle
In the guestroomLies a body
Oozing life.Someone sneaking
'Round the cornerCould that someone
Be MacBeth the Scot?

Jenny Diver,
Sukie Tawdry,Miss Lotta Lenya
And old Lucy Brown.Oh that line forms
On the right, BabeNow that MacBeth
He's back in town!

(Big Finale)Oh that line forms
On the right, BabeNow that MacBeth
He's back in town!
(Spoken)Look out! Old Macky's BACK!

My Mother was English and I’m very, very proud of it. My Father was Scotch.... and I’m very, very fond of it.

My best friend Lew and I were sharing a wee dram of malt one night and waxing somewhat soberly on the subject of death. We talked of our pre-purchased plots and the type of headstones we might want. Then Lew said, “Brian would you promise me that if I die before you, that you’ll pour a bottle of the finest single malt over my grave?” I said, Lew, it would be my great pleasure to do so in honour of our long friendship, but would you mind awfully if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

To my friends who enjoy a glass of scotch… and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking scotch because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember this:
Water = Shit
Scotch = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink scotch and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
To your Health!
Slainte mhor! (pronounced Slanjeh Vahr)
L’ Chaim!