Friday Funnies July 19 09

A Well-Planned Retirement - From The London Times:
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..." "Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility." "Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" "Err ... NO!" insisted the Council. Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million, and no one even knows his name!

A guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. The man says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're sitting on my side."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we ...” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday...”

On his 77th birthday, a man called Bill got a gift certificate from his wife Marion. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'. I'm in great distress at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus. The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash. Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm. All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year! Now you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?" The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded." Mulhany, a true lover of golf, thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, join the synagogue, regularly attends services and leads a holy life. About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71. He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal? "What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi. "Beth El ", is the reply. The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck, Beth El is for tennis!”