Friday Funnies July 3 09

At 5 minutes, 6 seconds after 4am on July 8th this year. The time & date will be ....
04:05:06 07/08/09 This will never happen again.

From the Farmer’s Almanac:
There are many superstitions about summer thunder. Some believe that it will frighten the beans into growing. Others say that thunder in the morning brings wind, while a noon thunder brings rain and an evening thunder brings a tempest. If there’s lightning without thunder, fair weather is on the way. As for wind direction, “Thunder and lightning in the summer show, / The point from which the freshening breeze will blow.”

The dog days of summer (a period of 40 days starting July 3 and ending August 11) are named for the Dog Star, Sirius, which is visible with the rising Sun at this time. Ancients associated this sky picture with the hot days that coincided with it.

Dog days bright and clear,indicate a happy year. But when accompanied by rain,for better times our hopes are in vain.

"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman

"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading." --David Letterman

"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman

"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman

"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Governor Sanford's mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That's true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart

"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson

"What's especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery -- whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol -- a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The 'Transformers' sequel came out today. One of the 'Transformers' is a Chevrolet. Fortunately, it has a sidekick that transforms into a tow truck." --Conan O'Brien

"On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." --Jimmy FallonDavid Letterman's Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford:10. Began last "State of the State" address, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated.7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President.6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout.5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov."4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx.3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents.2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again.1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling

At 5:15 am, Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Farrah Fawcett passed away after a long battle with cancer. Shortly after she arrived at the Pearly Gates and met with Saint Peter, he said, "Farrah, you truly are an Angel and before you pass through these gates, I offer you one wish." Farrah said, "Saint Peter, I want safety and security for all the children of the world." Six hours later, Michael Jackson was dead.

I know it's sad news that MJ passed away, but…..

Apparently as they tried to revive him a nurse was overheard singing, “Come and beat it...just beat it!”

A doctor on the hospital staff as he applied the paddles was heard saying..."Gonna be starting something...gotta be starting something"

Initial reports were confused, claiming that Michael was not in the cardiac ward for a heart attack but rather in the children's ward for a stroke.

The autopsy showed that food poisoning might have caused Michael's heart attack: he ate some twelve year old meat. Alternates: twelve year old nuts, weiner.

His last words were, "Take me to a Children's Hospital".

Sources claim that Michael will not be buried or cremated, but recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with.

Other sources claim that, since Michael was 90% plastic, his body is going to be melted down into Lego blocks so that little boys can play with him for a change.

Family members refuted both claims saying that he will be cremated and put in a sandbox so that even after death, he'll end up in little boys' shorts.

Newsflash! Gary Glitter makes record bid for Michael Jackson’s computer.

Jacko’s not dead. Apparently he just went to a children’s hospital and had a stroke.

Los Angeles police have now been round to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch this afternoon. It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom and Class 4C in his bedroom.

Given that Michael Jackson was recently reported to be suffering from skin cancer, the coroner is not sure yet if the real cause of death should be blamed on the sunshine.....or the moonlight, the good times or the boogie, but at this time he suspects it was the boogie.

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.

Michael Jackson's dates have all been cancelled...... James 10, Steve 7.......

Ambulance officers who attended MJ have confirmed he had two 10-year old boys in his bedroom and he was having a stroke.

Hospital staffs don’t know what to do with Michael Jackson's body as plastic recycle day is not until next Tuesday.

Michael Jacksons sell out tour is said to be a masterpiece. A true Heart stopper!

McDonalds are honouring Michael Jackson. They are making the MJ burger – it’s a 50 year old piece of meat inside 8 year old buns.

Jockeys at Ascot are going to wear black armbands in respect of MJ, who successfully rode more three year olds than anyone else in history.

Oh and last but not least...tomorrow is the last day of the sale at Wal-Mart...where both Wal-Mart and MJ have boys underwear half off!

Golf’s Worst Foursome: Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton
Why, you ask? Monica’s a hooker, O.J.’s a slicer, Ted can’t drive over water and Bill can’t remember which hole he played!

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.'

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barrack Obama is a dumb, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal faggot who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Many years ago, the preacher always rode a bicycle to church. One Sunday Morning, he awoke to find that his bicycle was not there. He walked to the church, fuming all the way about how he knew someone in his church had taken his bicycle and he was going to lay down the law (or the Ten Commandments), laying a guilt trip on the guy who took his bicycle. He started out with the First Commandment and really bore down on "Thou Shalt Not Steal" but by the time he got to the Commandment on "Adultery" he remembered where he left his bicycle.

New Viruses:
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin for error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money...
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'No.' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought... Fuck! I could win this!

A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. ''What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.' 'You are wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!'

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap.......no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off
Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is..........Women Ask too Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Salon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.
A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!

On marriage and women:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison'

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad:
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hot Wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses ... GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
5. Serving as a Juror is now the most highly-paid job.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your food; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.And the number one indicator that the economy is bad…
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.