Friday Funnies July 24 09

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here's the weird part about those power plants. They're going to outsource all the jobs to Americans." --Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it's in the stall with the yellow balloons." --David Letterman

"Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol.' And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge." --David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina." --Jon Stewart

"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinian woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!" --Jon Stewart

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher

"President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his health care plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan, half-Kansan presidents who were born in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Sonia Sotomayor's questioning finally came to an end. Sotomayor said that she had received a 'gracious and fair' hearing. Her exact quote was, 'Thanks a lot, you old honkies. I'm outta here. You can kiss my a**.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, it's very cool. It's the fortieth anniversary of the moon landing, considered by some to be mankind's greatest achievement. ... Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, he's the kind of guy with a lot of foresight, a lot of vision. He says that he would like to put another man on the moon. He's thinking about maybe Joe Biden." --David Letterman

"I got the latest on South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Governor Sanford is spending this week on vacation with his wife in order to improve their marriage. Apparently, it's not going well, because Sanford keeps introducing his wife as 'my wing man.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's in the news. She's recovering very well from her broken elbow. They revealed this today in the paper. As part of Hillary Clinton's physical therapy for her elbow, several times a day, doctors have her repeatedly squeeze a gelatinous ball. Yeah, although it was Hillary's idea to scream, 'Take that, you son of a bitch!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, at her confirmation hearing, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from everywhere, including Wikipedia, which explains why she kept citing the landmark case Roe v. Wade Boggs." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he will strike Iran's enemies 'in the face so hard' that they will lose their way home. Then he told Israel to meet him after school by the flagpole." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, California may have solved its budget problems. True story -- a politician in California has proposed a plan that eliminates the state's budget deficit by legalizing and taxing the sale of marijuana. It's called Proposition Fo' Shizzle." --Conan O'Brien

"Here in California, we have no money. Our budget situation is a mess. And when you have no money, what do you do? You sell drugs, right? A state representative from San Francisco just introduced a bill that would legalize marijuana. He claims it would raise almost $1.5 billion a year for the state in taxes, and another $3 billion in Cheeto sales." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sonia Sotomayor’s in the news. She's testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she 'felt out of place attending Princeton.' Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee." --Conan O'Brien

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it 'Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Folks see the All-Star Game last night, the baseball All-Star Game? Whew! I thought this was exciting. President Obama threw out the first pitch. Did you see that? Because they were playing in St. Louis at a National League park, he also had to bat. Were you aware of that?" --David Letterman

"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage." --Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the baseball All-Star Game last night. And I know the President is busy, but he really needs a personal shopper. Once again, Obama appeared in public in a pair of heavily starched, stonewashed jeans with a big crease down the front of them, as if his mom had ironed them or something." --Jimmy Kimmel

Ten things Hugh Hefner probably says before having sex with a new girl:
“Trust me I know what I’m doing. Loose skin or not, you’ll enjoy this.”
“So I’m thrice you’re age? Awesome.”
“Viagra’s got nothing on me.”
“I’m Hugh Hefner. Yup. Hugh Hefner. So suck it.”
“It’ll be great for your career”
“Dentures will just get in the way”
“If you ever ask to wear my smoking jacket again I will have you murdered.”
“After we’re done here, you’re mine. No, seriously, I own you now.”
“Statutory Rape Does Not Apply To the Playboy Mansion”
“Just remember that I probably nailed Marilyn Monroe at some point or another so pay your respects”

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her I never wanted to live in a vegetative state, totallydependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. I said, “If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'. So my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and dumped all my beer!

Women on Men:

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions!

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through it's pecker!

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawn mower? Lawn mowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

What's one thing can always get a man out of your life? A hunting licence.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening? A candle lit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? A sex-change operation.

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men talk so dirty? So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days? The card.

How do you confuse a man? Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house? If they do, it's odd!

What happens when a man opens his zipper? His brains fall out.

Why did God make women so stupid? Someone had to like men!

Why did God put men on Earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

What does PMS stand for? Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?

Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Why do women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay!

What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?

They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour lock.

What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.

What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What did God say when he made man? I'll get it right next time.

Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Why do men float better than women? Cause men are scum!

Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis? So they can get some air to their brains.

Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white? So they can tell if their Cumming or Going...

How many men does it take to put the seat down? Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.

Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbitt computer virus? It turns your hard drive into a 3 inch floppy!

Now, The Gentlemen on Women:

Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for? It's Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.

What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods? They deserve them.
Why can't you trust a woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.

Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck.

Quotes on Advice

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry Truman

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life

Old people like to give good advice, as consolation for the fact that they can no longer set bad examples. - Francois de La Rochefoucault, 17th. century writer

Socrates was a Greek philosopher who went around giving people good advice. They poisoned him.
Anonymous

Many receive advice; only the wise profit from it. Latin maxim

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. Norman Augustine, Augustine's Laws

It is a little embarrassing that, after 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give to people is to be a little kinder to each other. Aldous Huxley

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. Al Franken, Oh, the Things I Know!

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long. Robert Lynd, The Peal of Bells

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble. Sydney J. Harris, journalist

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. Marquis de La Grange, 18th. century statesman

Life’s Like That:
My father-in-law was an airborne controller for Strategic Air Command. Translation: He's the guy who decided which target to attack and how. But my husband didn't quite know how to explain that to our six-year-old son. Instead, he said that his father had flown in airplanes. "Did he fly the planes?" our son asked. "No." "So he was the one who handed out the pretzels?"

After weighing a woman's letter on our post office scale, I told her the envelope was too heavy and would require another stamp. Confused, she asked, "But won't another stamp make it heavier?"

Wending his way through the office cubicles, my son Mike spotted one of his employees playing a video game on the computer. "Why aren't you working?" Mike asked him. The employee had an excellent excuse: "I didn't see you coming."

When the patient was wheeled into the delivery room, she told me, "I remember you from the last time I gave birth." I was thrilled, especially since it had been a few years. "Do you really remember me?" I asked, milking it. "Yes. You're the nurse who ate all my candy."

A co-worker at our car dealership was juggling 12 different tasks when a customer phoned. "Parts department. Can you hold, please?" he said. The person on the other end obviously couldn't, because the next thing I heard was, "Then could you call back when you can hold?"

My husband worked with identical twins, and the only way to tell them apart was by the goatee one of them sported. The day he shaved it off, his brother studied his face before commenting, "You know, you look better with a goatee."

A customer walked into our auto-parts store looking for a flat washer. "That'll be 15 cents," I said. "Fifteen cents for a washer? Are you crazy?!" he yelled. "I'll drill a hole in a quarter and make my own."

Notes from parents explaining why their kids missed school:
"My son was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My daughter was absent because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines."

As a retired chemist, I was interested in some unusual chemical towers at a factory. Curious, I asked a guard, "What do they make there?" He replied, "$8.35 an hour."

Doubtful job applicants:
- A college student applied for a summer job at a Welsh tourist attraction. But his e-mail address didn't help things. It was: atleastimnotwelsh.
- After interviewing a potential employee, I walked him to the door. We shook hands, and he left me with this parting thought: "Don't work too hard!"
- The best you could say about one job candidate was that she was honest. Her resume stated, "I was entrusted to ruin our office in our partner's absence."

Since my son Toby announced that he and his wife were expecting, my husband has tried to think of what the newest member of the family could call him. Toby is my son from a previous marriage, so Bill didn't feel Grandpa was appropriate. It took awhile, but he came up with something. We're now Grandma and Faux Pa.

What if musicians ran the country? Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
Surgeon General: Dr. John

I have kleptomania but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Heaven is Where:The Police are British,The Chefs are Italian,The Mechanics are German,The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is Where:The Police are German,The Chefs are British,The Mechanics are French,The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.
- What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common? A: They both look good until they hit the ice.
- What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine? A: The vending machine has Players!
- What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common? A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.
- Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post? A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!
- Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team? A: Because then Toronto would want one....
- What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto? A. None of them can play hockey.
- What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs? A. The Toronto Maple Leafs.
- What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common? A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.
- How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard? A. Put up a goal net.
- What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring? A. A thief.
- What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common? A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
- How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup? A. Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.
- The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup most of their fans were in diapers. Coincidentally, the next time they win it those same fans will be back in diapers again!
- And last, but not least ...
This guy says to the bartender, “Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together.” The bartender replies, “Normally, dogs wouldn’t be allowed in my bar, but it’s not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there’s any trouble with you or the dog, I’ll have to ask you to leave.” The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five. The bartender says, “Wow, that’s pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game?” The guys answers, “No Idea, I’ve only had him for three years.”

Little Menachem Mendel and Henya Zisel live in Lakewood. They are only 8 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Menachem Mendel goes to Henya Zisel's father to ask him for her hand. Menachem Mendel bravely walks up to him and says "Rabbi Yankelevitch, Henya Zisel and I want to get married, and I want to ask your Haskomo for her to marry me.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Rabbi Yankelevitch replies, "WellMenachem Mendel you are only 8 years old. Which Shadchan spoke my daughter to you?" Menachem Mendel responds, "Both our mothers used to bring us to the park together, and they always said: 'Oy what Naches to see the two of them getting along so nicely. They are wonderful together. ' So, we didn't need a Shadchen." "And where will you two live?" asked the puzzled Rabbi.Without even taking a moment to think about it, Menachem Mendel replies "In Henya Zisel's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. Still thinking this is just adorable, Rabbi Yankelevitch says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.You'll need to support Henya Zisel." Menachem Mendel instantly replies, "The Ribbono Shel Olom will take care of us. Besides, like all Kollel couples we get allowance. Henya Zisel makes 5 dollars a week and I make 10 dollars a week. That's about 60 dollars a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Rabbi Yankelevitch is a little shocked that Menachem Mendel has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Menachem Mendel won't have an answer to. After a second, the Rabbi says, "Well Menachem Mendel, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Menachem Mendel just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS:
A row of bottles on my shelfCaused me to analyze myself.One yellow pill I have to popGoes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I takeGoes to my hands so they won't shake.The blue ones that I use a lotTell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brainAnd tells me that I have no pain.The capsules tell me not to wheezeOr cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them allGo to my blood so I won't fall.The orange ones, very big and brightPrevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pillsHelping to cure all kinds of ills.But what I'd really like to know...........Is what tells each one where to go!

Really; the only thing golden is the color of your urine from taking all those damned pills!!!
I knew the romance was dead when I drank champagne out of the old girl’s slipper and choked to death on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

I knew I was going bald when it was taking me longer and longer to wash my face.

One day you look in the mirror and realise the face you are shaving is your father’s.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR... If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up closeMy traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter - either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!