Friday Funnies July 17 09

"This happened yesterday at the White House. President Obama was talking to a bunch of people and he's using a teleprompter, tells him exactly what to say, they got the teleprompter, the things rolling by like that. All of a sudden, it overheats and explodes and crashes to the ground. The teleprompter. I read that, I said, 'Boy, I'm disappointed in this guy. What kind of a guy can't think and speak on his -- flip the card for me -- on his feet.'" --David Letterman

"I mean, you probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you what to say. In Bush's case, it was Cheney." --David Letterman

"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman"But the secret assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney." --David Letterman

"Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret, Cheney could tell you about it, but then he'd have to take you hunting." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee today. I guess they have to do that in order to be confirmed to the Supreme Court. Her confirmation is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but even the leading Republican said the only way she would not be confirmed is if she had a meltdown, in which case she'd be named the governor of Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench." --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can't take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don't want to offend Latino voters. That's why they no longer talk about the 'border fence.' It's now called the 'welcome wall.'" --Stephen Colbert

"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman

"Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat." --Conan O'Brien

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use a Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private, 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That's right, folks, the man considered by many followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the President's in Africa now. This is a big story. CNN's Anderson Cooper landed an exclusive interview with President Obama in Ghana. … So now, Obama's challenge will be to somehow pick Anderson Cooper out of a crowd of Africans." --Conan O'Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien"Bristol Palin's former fiance, Levi Johnston, told the press that he thinks Sarah Palin stepped down as governor so she could cash in on fame. Levi made this accusation while hosting a party in the Hamptons for Tommy Bahama dark rum." --Conan O'Brien

"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien

"It's frightening times, when you think about it, with all these dictators. And they are all smallish. They're all on the small side. Kim Jong-Il, tiny guy. Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, tiny guy. Mayor Bloomberg, tiny guy." --David Letterman

"But anyway, over the weekend, North Korea test-fired several missiles. And it was their way of saying: 'Iran's not the craziest country. We are the craziest country, so get ready.'" --David Letterman

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our 'great allies.' He went on to say, 'Except, of course, for any time we've ever been to war.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. It's been reported that Saddam Hussein's gun will be on display in George W. Bush's presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman

"But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn't look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" --David Letterman

"North Korea has gone nuts. I don't know what is going on over there. There was a huge computer attack. Was your computer okay? We had a big computer attack from — they don't know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department website. Man! I was stunned. I said, 'Whoa! The U.S. still has a Treasury Department?'" --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison:
10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell?
7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin Kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut.
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo 'America's Got Talent' for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out to Western Canada to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just..............................................a common tater!

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned / tinned pork because of swine flu.............. Ignore it. It's just spam.

Quotes ON TECHNOLOGY:

I don't believe in e-mail. I'm an old-fashioned girl. I prefer calling and hanging up. Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. Frank Lloyd Wright

Because Google is so popular, it's conceited. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? "Um, did you mean....?" Arj Barker, comedian

Personally, I'm waiting for caller IQ. Sandra Bernhard

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Arthur C. Clarke

We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology. Carl Sagan

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips, comedian

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. Edward R. Murrow

Man has made many machines, complex and cunning, but which of them indeed rivals the workings of his heart? Pablo Casals, Joys and Sorrows

I took a two-year-old computer in to be repaired, and the guy looked at me as though he was a gun dealer and I'd brought him a musket. In two years I'd gone from cutting-edge to Amish. Jon Stewart

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. James Magary

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereo-type blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never really did any of that!”

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?” The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.' 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and 'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties....' 'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'Hunting Flies', he responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Joe grew up in Yorkton, then moved away to attend law at university. He decided to come back to Yorkton because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new law office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in Toronto that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary arguments and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the Crown Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from SaskTel and I came to hook up your phone."

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?' The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.' The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighbourhood on Long Island. Her neighbour was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked, "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to New York City this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and said, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra." Her neighbour thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he glanced at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me, ma'am, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures. Would you please sign your name?"The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"

Oldie Goldie
NEW YORK - Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck." An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday. "Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'" The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary "schmuck" usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word "schmuck" have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times -17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word "jerk" than "schmuck," 100 times more likely to use "dick," and 15,000 times more likely to use "fucking asshole." Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1..2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as "imbecile," "dummy," "schlub," and "contemptible ne'er-do-well" will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies. "We must save this word!" Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting "Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!" "How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks."
Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton, FL demonstration to show their support for the dying word.
"I've never told anyone this before," Brooks added, choking back tears, "but my father was a schmuck."
The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating "schmuck" into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word "schmuck," the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film. "The world cannot afford to lose this valuable and versatile word," Brooks told reporters during a charity auction in Manhattan's Upper West Side Tuesday, where attendees bid for the chance to have a private lunch with Brooks and repeatedly call him a schmuck. "You can be a poor schmuck, a lazy schmuck, a dumb schmuck, or just a plain old schmuck. A group of people can be collectively referred to as schmucks. You can call someone a schmuck, and you can be called a schmuck. You can even call yourself a schmuck." "Plus, it's just so fun to say," Brooks added. "Schmuck." Many of the foundation's volunteers say they share Brooks' passion for the word "schmuck," as well as his outrage that it is slowly disappearing from everyday use. They claim that if they do not act now, the trend could create a snowball effect. "Today its schmuck, tomorrow it might be toochis," said SFS volunteer Harry Steinbergmann, 82. "What's next, schlemiel? Putz? Schlimazel?" Steinbergmann went on to classify this scenario as farcockteh.


Oldie Goldie
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate, however, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. 'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He then pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. 'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.' 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

Even though I’m not yet a grandparent, I still get a chuckle out of these:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.... The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Just a reminder for when you have an 'I Hate My Job day': Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson (It must be this brand). When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: ' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Just remember, there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the ass than yours!

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual with this, huh?!