Friday Funnies August 28 09

"You folks have been following, probably, the elections in Afghanistan. You know what's going on over there? Hamid Karzai and those boys running an election over there and there's now charges of election irregularities. I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman

"Apparently, they say there was cheating, voter intimidation, miscounted votes, and one of the candidates may have been sleeping with Paula Abdul." --David Letterman

"This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the C.E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as sunglasses." --Conan O'Brien

"Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former President Clinton, this is weird. Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of his office for a few days because it's infested with bed bugs. Experts are calling it the 500th reason President Clinton shouldn't be allowed to have a bed in his office." --Conan O'Brien

"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien

"Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

"How about this? Brett Favre is coming out of retirement and joining the Minnesota Vikings. He's getting $12 million from Minnesota. Talk about cash for clunkers.""Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show." --David Letterman

"I didn't think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She's been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren't many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman

"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman

"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman

"And then Obama was in Mexico the previous week. And he met with a group of North American leaders. And afterwards he laid a wreath at the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." --David Letterman

"You know what? It's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Did you realize that at the original Woodstock, Dick Cheney was there, later Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, he was there hunting hippies." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her." --David Letterman

"Everyone's on vacation right now. President's taking a vacation at this very moment, you hear this? Tomorrow President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park to see Ol' Faithful, isn't that nice? Yea. And meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Ol' Unfaithful." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher

"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher

"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher

"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Paliin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers." --Bill Maher

"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher

"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, GM announced they'll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And today, Nissan said their new car's going to get 367 miles a gallon. It's crazy. In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that's the one you want." --Conan O'Brien

"During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same services. He said UPS and FedEx are doing just fine; it's the Post Office that's always having problems. That's probably going to anger some postal workers but what's the worst that could happen?" --Jimmy Fallon

"But at the same meeting, he said twice that the AARP supports his healthcare plan, even though the AARP hasn't endorsed it. He's probably thinking of that other senior citizens group. What's the name? Oh, yeah, Congress." --Jimmy Fallon

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming to ward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown. "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?" "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

More Golf Truisms

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. - Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is, he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. - Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. - Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. - Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. - Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. - Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. - Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. - Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. - H G Wells

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope

Actual calls received at a public golf course in Amherst, Mass.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it..,,,

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?' 'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied. 'No, I won't.' 'Well, if you must know,' she answered, I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool. 'See,' she said. 'I knew you’d laugh!' 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

There’s a promising new product on the market. It’s Phillips Milk of Amnesia – for people like me who can’t remember shit!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

A pill was developed to increase the sexual desire of Jewish women. There is only one side effect: a headache.

A notable gynecologist once said, "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman an asshole.

A team of eunuchs has beaten a team of fully intact cricketers in what is believed to be the first match involving a side completely made up of castrated players. Eunuchs are social outcasts in Pakistan, where the match took place, but recent changes in the law implemented by Iftikhar Chaudhry, the country’s chief justice, have given them more rights. “I want to dedicate our victory to him,” Sanam Khan, captain of the eunuchs' team, told the BBC. “It is only due to him that things are changing for eunuchs in Pakistan.” The match at Sukkur, a city in Sindh, attracted a decent crowd and it is reported the eunuchs did an impromptu dance on the pitch after securing the win.
Please, try to repress the "no ball" comments.

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari, You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings... That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his pre-recorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation!

The New Alphabet:

A is for apple,
and B is for boat,
That used to be right,
but now it won't float!

Age before beauty
is what we once said,
But let's be a bit
more realistic instead.

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental
decay and decline,
E is for eyesight,
can't read that top line!

F is for fissures
and fluid retention,
G is for gas
which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--
I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions
with scars you can show.

J is for joints,
out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees
that crack when they bend.

L's for libido,
what happened to sex?
M is for memory,
I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia,
in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo,
bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions,
I have quite a few,
just give me a pill
and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy,
is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux,
one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights,
counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus;
bells in my ears!

U is for urinary;
troubles with flow;
V for vertigo,
that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry,
NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray,
and what might be found.

Y for another year
I'm left here behind..
Z is for zest
I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms,
my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors
fully employed!!!

HAVE A GREAT DAY.