Friday Funnies August 7 09

From the Farmer’s Almanac:

Ever heard the expression “If life brings you lemons, make lemonade”? It so happens that this sour fruit has a long history of turning potential adversity into triumph!
• Romans prescribed lemons as a precaution against snakebites and as a moth repellent.
• In the 17th century, it was thought that lemon juice could mitigate the violent heat of fevers.
• Originally found in northern India, lemons were referred to as the “golden apple,” treasured by kings.Even today, lemon’s non-culinary uses are numerous:
• Lemon juice cleans piano keys and copper pots, brightens porcelain, absorbs odours, and removes lipstick and wine stains.
• Half a lemon, from which most of the juice has been squeezed, makes a fresh cleaning pad for faucets and sinks. Use it with a little salt as an abrasive.
• Equal parts lemon juice and beaten egg can be boiled briefly and scented with rose water to make a natural face lotion.
• Undiluted fresh lemon juice is just the thing to clean water spots and stains from your automobile chrome.
Of course making lemonade still works well, too!

"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan

O'Brien"Yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he's going to vote against the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor. However, McCain did say he thought she was great in 'West Side Story.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So that's pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that's like Rambo, you know. And by the way now -- plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, congratulations to former President Bill Clinton. He traveled to North Korea today, met with Kim Jong-Il and won the release of those two female journalists. It was great for Obama to use Clinton that way. I think I know how he got him to go over there. You know, he's probably like, 'Bill, I need you to go to North Korea for me.' 'I can't do it. I'm completely booked. I have numerous obligations.' 'I want you to visit a woman's prison.' 'What time's my flight?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama just announced he's considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit." --Conan O'Brien

"A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack." --Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." --Jimmy Fallon

"I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher

"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher

"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher

" People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra. Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher

"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher

"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is nice, though, President Obama served Professor Gates and Officer Crowley beer and pretzels. Did you know that? Pretzels. Yeah, it's the first time pretzels have been served at the White House since the time one attacked President Bush. Remember that one?" --Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night -- I'm sure you heard -- President Obama had the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the White House to talk, and more importantly, get stinking drunk together. Vice President Biden was there, too. This is interesting. Apparently, Joe Biden was upset that Obama had put his foot in the mouth by saying that the Cambridge police acted stupidly, because that's normally his thing." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama wants to make this a regular thing. He's already invited Ahmadinejad over for Appletinis." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Vice President, Joe Biden held a series of closed door meetings. Not because they were secret. He just couldn't figure out how to open the door." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said today that Congress probably won't vote on his health care bill until October. Yeah, what's the rush, Congress? Take your time. It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there or anything like that. Swine!" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the health care bill. Pelosi was so angry that she started arranging her face into a scowl." --Jimmy Fallon

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have JobsShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' But she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, August 21, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Marshall’s or Winners Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...

Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Registration is closing....Space is limited - act NOW!

Two old guys were chatting on a park bench. One said, "My 85th birthday was yesterday so the wife gave me an SUV". The other guy says, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"First guy says, "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Tombstone Humour:
- Here rests Pancrazio Juvenales 1968-1993 He was a good husband, a wonderful father but a bad electrician.
- Gustava Gutierrez Guzman 1934-1989 Rest in Peace. A memory from all your sons (except Ricardo who did not pay any money)
- Here is resting my dearest wife Brunjilda Jalamonte 1973-1997 Lord, please welcome her with the same joy I send her to you
- Tomas Jimoteo Chinchilla 1967-1989 Rest in peace. Now you are in the Lord’s arms. Lord, watch your wallet

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat." "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie. "I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony."

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

A banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase. Saint Peter greets him and says, "Set the suitcase down and come in." "No way!" barks the banker. "I have to bring it in." "What could possibly be in there that's so important?" asks Peter. The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Peter's jaw drops: "You brought pavement?"

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

I was going through my couch looking for stuff the other day, and I scored huge. I found a bed!

"What's a couple?" I asked my mother. She said, "Two or three." Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'Its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally shits the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's. Taking off down the Trans Canada, he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's sideof the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers taken from car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

Some Jewish humour:

It's flu season and bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon. So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the usher and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to havea large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon, and instructs him to give one cough drop to any congregant who begins coughing. So next shabbes, during the rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks : "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?" Hyman replies, "So vat did I said? All I said wuz, 'The Rabbi said "Fa cough"!'.

A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?" To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant,
spending much of the day praying in their cage. He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots. The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis (prayer shawl) and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?" One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: "Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!"

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it. A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. 'I arrived at the fifthrace,' said the young man. 'I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.' After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.' 'An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.' 'You must have made a fortune,' said the father. Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,' replied the son. 'In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.' 'What happened?' asked the excited father. 'Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!' 'Are you telling me you brought home all this money?' asked his excited father. 'No,' said the son. 'I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat inFrench. But the horse broke down and came in last.' 'Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,' said the father. 'You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race? It was a long shot from Japan named 'Yarmalka' answered the son.

Jewish Philosophy 101

Albert Einstein
- Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
- Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Golda Meir
- Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
- (to Henry Kissinger) "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

Yiddish Proverbs
- If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
- The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
- What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
- A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
- One old friend is better than two new ones.
- A wise man hears one word and understands two.
- You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
- One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist
- If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
- Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
- Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
- Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
- Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
- There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
- Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
- The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
- Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
- Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
- Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
- Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
- The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.