Friday Funnies July 31 09

"Some people now are saying, this is true, that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wants to host her own TV show. The show is going to be called 'Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: 'What's your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where's our money?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet." --Conan O'Brien

"To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama's going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, of course, everyone knows, has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Of course, this could be trouble, because the last time Obama got a few beers in him, he bought General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's not the only President who enjoys the occasional beer. Bill Clinton, remember Bill Clinton would have an occasional beer? Here's what he would do. He would go into a bar and order a cold one. Do you remember that? And then the bartender would say, 'Oh, then go home to Hillary.'" --David Letterman

"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson

"He's all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress." --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears and a moose." --Jimmy Fallon

"The President of the United States spent the week talking about America's most vulnerable citizens, the Cambridge police department. Now, if you somehow missed the beginning of this story, let me catch you up. Perhaps the foremost African-American scholar in America today, Henry Louis Gates, was arrested for being black while home. Yes, apparently, in America if you're black, you can be pulled over for driving a stolen house. Except that it was his house." --Bill Maher

"What kind of burglar breaks into a house with luggage? That's what I want to know about. " --Bill Maher

"And the police officer, Officer Crowley ... apparently, he said Henry Louis Gates was threatening. And by threatening, of course, he meant he was an educated black man." --Bill Maher

"So, I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority." --Bill Maher

"President Obama said that the Cambridge police 'acted stupidly' when they arrested a professor for being a cat burglar in his own home. And now, President Obama says that he regrets saying, 'stupid.' What he meant was, 'retarded.'" --Bill Maher"It's comforting to know that the men with the guns and Mace the Tasers and the license to kill are this thin-skinned, isn't it? But I guess they are, because about an hour ago, Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail-light." --Bill Maher

"More than you might expect, actually, apparently there was a group of Americans who did not believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore should not be president. They're called 'birthers.' They are. The birthers want Obama's election to be invalidated, which, I'm not sure what their goal is. Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem." --Jimmy Kimmel"

But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya, don't you think Madonna would have adopted him by now?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game. And afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. " --Conan O'Brien

"War of words now between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Getting nasty. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks, is it me or is it obvious these two like each other?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But the chances of getting a vote on the bill done by August doesn't look good. Right now, it's being held up in the Senate by a group of conservative-leaning Democrats called Blue Dogs. I never heard of this. They're called blue because they're from blue states and dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby. And also, they eat their own poop." --Jimmy Kimmel

"North Korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton. You've got to love North Korea. They're a great villain. They say crazy things, their leader looks like Ethel Merman, all their missiles are named Dong; they're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And you know, there's some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don't know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let's just say that she robbed a gas station." --David Letterman

"She's stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor's mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial." --David Letterman

"Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman

"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman

"Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal - it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad." --David Letterman

"But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, 'We don't want it. We don't need it.''" --David Letterman

"President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It's time for Oprah to give him a show." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the White House actually - this is true - rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with 'America's Got Talent'. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for 'Baywatch' once." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight - 50% are in favor of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the - wait a minute, that's their pollution." --David Letterman

"But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

"Here's some sad news from Iran, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, do you know his vice president has resigned? This guy's main job was ceremonial, his main job was attending funerals. And you know, with Ahmadinejad in charge, that's a full-time gig." --David Letterman

"The vice president 'resigned' and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions...Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?" --Craig Ferguson

"Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration." --Jimmy Fallon

"They announced Dr. Regina Benjamin is President Obama's pick for surgeon general. She's facing criticism for being overweight. I don't know if Dr. Benjamin's weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for three to five daily servings of McRibs." --Jimmy Fallon

"Oh my God, Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here's how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas, your Pennsylvanias. Alright, then, kidding. And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that's what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy." --Jon Stewart

"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it? I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman

"On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy, 'Reverse Psychology.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"A new book reveals that George Bush's twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls responded, 'That's not true. We had tabs at every bar we went to.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." --Conan O'Brien

A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops long at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments awayfrom unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen. “What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?” I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.” She replied, “YOU’RE having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '. The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'’.The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'’. The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'’. Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?' She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 38D-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God!’’

When the North American First Peoples were settled on a reservation, the government sent out a census taker to collect their information. He took out his forms and started with the chief.
Name? “Charlie Two Feathers”
Sex? “Three to fives times a week.”
No, no, I mean male or female. “Male, female, doesn’t matter.”
Holy cow! “Yes, cow. Sometimes sheep, sometimes dog.”
But isn’t that hostile? “Horse style, doggy style, any style.”
Oh Dear! “No, deer. Run too fast. Ass too high.”

In the eighteen hundreds it was common to use a set of bellows and a fumigator as a means of introducing a tobacco smoke enema into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims. The warmth of the smoke was thought to provide respiration but doubts about its efficacy led to the popularity of the phrase, “blowing smoke up one’s ass!”

Alternate defnitions:
Electricity: Organized lightning. - George Carlin
Fruit: A vegetable with looks and money. - P.J. O'Rourke
Gossip: When you hear something you like about someone you don't. - Earl Wilson
Guilt: God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. - Dennis Miller

Sage Definitions:
Atom bomb: An invention to bring an end to all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
Classic: A book which people praise, but never read.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: Art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Marriage: An agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and (a woman) gains his (her) master.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich!
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from the Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I’m not hurt yet !"
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in zerO, instead of the first letter in Opportunity.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power! Yawn: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.

According to the weather forecast, I’ve been sloshing through two inches of slightly cloudy.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

One dog to another: Now, I ask you, what kind of best friend would remove your testicles?

When you think about it, God has to be the best inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

According to marvel Comics, Spiderman’s marriage has fallen apart after more than twenty years of marriage. Apparently he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

Jewish Oldie Goldies:

The husband, having just finished reading the book 'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I am finished, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, 'The Chevra Kadisha?'

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book... "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life. After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied..... "How did you know my name was Katz?"

A Jewish guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the; floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a schvartzah is beyond me."

One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a few hours when she hadn’t return he was somewhat concerned as eagles mate for life. Harry finally went looking for his dear Mary and finally found her dead buckshot ridden body! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. And since there weren't any lady eagles available he decided he might have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is, ‘I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, ‘I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.............................................................................
NO, the duck didn't say THAT ……................................................Don't be SO disgusting!The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!

An Americian tourist asks a Newfie, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Newfie replies, "You stund bye - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de fuckin’ boat."

A Newfie sits down at a bar on a Friday night and orders a beer. As he’s sipping his beer, a hot looking young woman sits down next to him. As he orders another beer he tells the bartender to bring one for the lady. She says, “I really appreciate the drink mister, but I think you should be aware that I’m a lesbian.” The Newfie says, “That’s OK with me darlin’, I’m from Newfoundland. So, what part of Lesbia do ye’ hail from?” She says I don’t think you understand, What do you do for a living? He replies, “Well, I fixes me boat and mends me nets and fishes everyday so I guess I’m a fisherman.” She says, well, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the Newfie and asks, 'What do you do?' The Newfie replies, 'I always thought I was a fisherman, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Humour @ Work:

Job interview no-nos:
- One candidate said that we should hire him because he would be a great addition to our softball team."
- An applicant sang all her responses to interview questions."
- One individual said we had nice benefits, which was good because he was going to need to take a lot of leave the following year."
- A candidate told me she needed the position because she wanted to get away from dealing with people."

As the teleconference with our London branch concluded, my British colleague suggested that we continue our meeting the next day. "Sorry," I said. "Tomorrow's July 4th, and the office will be closed." "Ah, yes, Independence Day," he said. "Or as we refer to it over here, Thanksgiving."

My very busy boss placed this want ad in the newspaper: "Local photocopy shop looking for employee who has reproductive experience."

Using our new voice recognition system, a fellow doctor dictated, "For erectile dysfunction, Cialis."
The system interpreted that as "For erectile dysfunction, see Alice."

Overheard outside my medical office--one woman complaining to another: "My doctor says I have masculine degeneration and that I'll just have to live with it."

The doctor I work for specializes in asthma. A patient sent over his medical transcripts, which stated that his main complaint was "coughing and whizzing."

Driving my three-year-old daughter to day care before work, I noticed a family of dead raccoons on the road. I quickly sped past, hoping she wouldn't spot them. No such luck. "Mommy, what was that?" "Some wood must have fallen from a truck," I fibbed. "Oh," she said. "Is that what killed all those raccoons?"

We all have our troubles form time to time and I know for a fact that some of you are having trouble coping theses days. Please do me a favour and tape these words to your bathroom mirror where you can read them every day.

1. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
2. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. (Corollary: 'Whenever God closes a door He always opens another, even though it can be Hell in the hallway!')
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

Please know that even if you’re not aware of it, there are many people out there pulling for you. Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.