Friday Funnies May 8 09

Happy Mother’s Day on Sunday to all you mothers!

A Japanese proverb says that “a father’s goodness is higher than the mountains; a mother’s goodness is deeper than the sea."

George Herbert (1593–1633) says “One good mother is worth a hundred school masters.”

Things my mother taught me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 'Because I said so, that's why! '
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

And what if you’d had a Jewish mother? Two of the following actually did have a Jewish Mother (well, maybe three if you count the stories that say Abe Lincoln was of Jewish heritage):
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: 'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the top hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man; midnight is long past your bed-time!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: 'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "At least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!"

From the Farmer’s Almanac, here’s a tribute to Hebe – that’s the Greek goddess of youth and spring, not a slight on the aforementioned Jews.
Hebe’s here, May is here!
The air is fresh and sunny;
And the miser-bees are busy
Hoarding golden honey!
–Thomas Bailey Aldrich (1836–1907)

And now for the late night humour:

"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno

"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno

"And up in Canada, Canadian officials are saying that a herd of pigs caught the swine flu from a human. They said the human involved is a pig farmer who recently visited Mexico. Well, good job by the Canadian customs officials catching that one. 'And where did you visit?' 'Mexico.' 'And what is your profession?' 'Pig farmer.' 'I see no problem. Come right in.'" --Jay Leno

"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno

"No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action." --Jay Leno

"They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff." --David Letterman

"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman

"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson

"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon

"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the White House itself that makes people dumb." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno

"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. Here is some good gossip. I got this off the hotline from Washington. As a replacement for Judge Souter, they say President Obama is looking for a woman, and the rumor is Hillary Clinton is on the short list. Yeah. That's got to be Bill's worst nightmare, huh? A woman who can rule on the death penalty." --Jay Leno

"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno

"I think a lot of people are really overreacting to this whole swine flu thing. Don't you? Come on. Like today at Disney World, they quarantined Sneezy. There was no cause for that." --Jay Leno

"And Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced he is retiring next month. You know who's replacing him? I was surprised. Conan." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher

"Conservatives, of course, are very nervous about this, for two reasons. One, David Souter was appointed by a Republican, and when he was on the court, became more and more liberal. And they say they will never again allow the appointment of someone who can learn.. --Bill Maher

"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease." --Jay Leno

"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno

"You know who's really worried about this swine flu? Kevin Bacon." --Jay Leno

"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno

"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno

"And the big political story, of course, is that 79-year-old Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. We're learning more and more about exactly how this deal went down. In fact, I understand to sweeten the deal, as a signing bonus, the Democrats offered him a Life Alert and a year's supply of Ensure." --Jay Leno

"Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don't you think? I mean, for years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There's talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party." --Jay Leno

"Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation's leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State." --Jay Leno

"New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick's Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell." --David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden got himself in a little bit of hot water because earlier on the 'Today' show, he's shooting his mouth off. He's saying that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Joe, listen to this -- the subways weren't safe before swine flu." --David Letterman

"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman

"Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they're trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In business news after receiving billions of dollars in government bailout money, the company Chrysler ended up filing for bankruptcy protection today. Chrysler was founded in 1923 by Walter P. Chrysler, but it really took off under his younger brother, Jesus H. Chrysler, who's I guess like some kind of marketing genius." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I'm not sure what to do this year. I'm stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm." --Jay Leno

"But, hey, people are very worried about this swine flu epidemic, but the best course of action is prevention. Like, if you go to IHOP and you order the pigs in the blanket, and you notice they're coughing, you don't want to eat that." --Jay Leno

"No, actually, that's a fallacy, too. They said today you cannot get swine flu from eating pork, which, of course, raises the question, so what were these guys doing with the pig?" --Jay Leno

"Seventy-nine-year-old Arlen Specter is now switching to the Democratic Party, which is a big loss for Republicans. You know, when they lose that young blood, it hurts." --Jay Leno

"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties:
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?

"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead of the president. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma, and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel

On the subject of when the U.S.A. would have a black leader, an American I know once told me that when pigs flew the United States would have a black president. Guess what ………..pig’s flu!

Do you hate waiting in line too? Here’s a great way to make the people in front of you disappear. Just take out your cell phone and make an imaginary call, throw in the odd mention of Mexico, vacation and flu and start coughing. Even the pensioner in the wheelchair will get out of your way faster than a Catholic priest tries to get into the choir boy’s pants. As Bruce Dickinson would say I got swine fever and the only cure is more cow bell!

It seems that one Albertan farm worker returned from Mexico and infected his pigs with swine flu! How ironic! But I don’t understand - have Albertans not yet discovered condoms?

As if to support the theory that 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', a group of feminists has broken away from Twitter, the social messaging utility. As an alternative, they have formed a twin service, but for women only! Twitter will be left to the males while the feminine version will become known as Twatter.

A woman visits a fortune teller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked? 'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Chutzpah defined:
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Revenue Canada office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!

This is something we should all read at least once a week! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to WASTE TIME HATING anyone...
4. Your job won't TAKE CARE OF you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. AGREE TO DISAGREE.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their JOURNEY is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, BEAUTIFUL or JOYFUL.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does MAKE YOU STRONGER.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take “NO” for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. TODAY IS SPECIAL.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. BE ECCENTRIC NOW. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the BRAIN.
25. No one is IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, IT WILL CHANGE.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. MIRACLES ARE WAITING EVERYWHERE.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44 Yield.
45. LIFE isn't tied with a bow, but IT'S STILL A GIFT."