Friday Funnies May 1 09

Happy May Day to all!

"And in a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess." --Jay Leno

"As you know, a big holiday is coming next week here in Los Angeles and Mexico: Sicko de Mayo." --Jay Leno

"To help contain the spread of the disease, the U.S. government is trying to discourage Mexicans from coming into the United States, which is pretty much what they have been doing for like the last 40 years. So that plan doesn't work." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They traced the origin of the new strain of swine flu back to one little piggy who went to market when he should have stayed home." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President's plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is, I mean, this is exciting. Air Force One was in New York City and apparently nobody knew. They didn't make the call. Hello! Air Force One comes to New York City and wants to take some pictures. They send it right up and start buzzing New York City. I mean, isn't this something you would expect from the Bush Administration?" --David Letterman

"So, they fly Air Force One up here and take a photo of it at the Statue of Liberty. Next, the Bronx Zoo. Plane had its picture taken at the Bronx Zoo. After that, it went to Yankee Stadium and had its picture taken there. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen? It's here tonight. How about a nice hand for Air Force One? It's here." --David Letterman

"President Obama is now saying that the flyover was a mistake. If you're scoring at home, by the way, Obama still trails Bush in the mistake total by about 10,000. So we're okay." --David Letterman

"By the way, tomorrow, I believe, marks 100 days for President Obama in office as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, to give you an idea what else is going on, today, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac." --David Letterman

"Hey, did you hear about Arlen Specter, the senator? He left the Republican Party and became a Democrat. What?! It's very odd, to switch teams like this. Who does he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?" --Craig Ferguson

"Great to be back. As you know, I was sick for two days last week. Had to go to the hospital after I ate a raw pig a friend brought back from Mexico." --Jay Leno

"But you learn a lot about the system. You know, like, people say, 'Oh, where do hospitals get the nerve to charge $10 for an aspirin?' See, this is why President Obama wants to do something about healthcare in this country. See, under his plan, hospital aspirin only costs a dollar maximum. Of course, there would be a $9 tax on it." --Jay Leno

"I wasn't that sick, but some people are, because of this swine flu, which has knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. You notice that? So, it's obvious who is spreading the swine flu. Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Well, it's interesting. They call it swine flu because they think it originated either with pigs or an AIG executive." --Jay Leno

"Next month in Canada, former President George W. Bush and former President Bill Clinton will have a debate. They're gonna debate each other. The topic will be, 'which is better, getting in bed with big oil or big women?" --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is so bad, third graders in China are being forced to get second jobs." --Jay Leno "GM is phasing out Pontiac. You know what that means? Another $20 million bonus for the head of GM" --David Letterman

"We're getting close to President Obama's first 100 days in office, and he has had to deal with a lot of trouble, including a global financial crisis, pirates, and swine flu. Plus, Obama's got a live-in mother-in-law. I'm telling you, this guy cannot catch a break." --David Letterman

"I think this is a first for President Obama. This weekend he played golf. President Obama apparently, and at one point, and this happens, you know, you play golf, he got stuck really deep in a sand trap. Same thing happened to George Bush, and it's called Iraq." --David Letterman

"Now, here's the difference between President Obama and our previous Democratic president, President Clinton. President Obama enjoyed playing a round of golf. President Clinton just enjoyed playing around." --David Letterman

"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher

"Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn't really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher

"It's interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, 'Well, there's just a few bad apples.' Then it was, 'Okay, we did it a couple of times.' Then it was not really torture, and now, it works." --Bill Maher

"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherfucker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher

"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it's okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle." --Bill Maher

"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

"Here's a name out of the past. He used to be governor of the state of New York. Eliot Spitzer, does that ring a bell? Listen to this, according to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to have Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New Yorkers are hookers." --David Letterman

"The people of New York liked Governor Spitzer. I mean, the guy had a reputation for being on top of everything." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart

"Well, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Yes. Today is Earth Day, or as the oil companies call it, Wednesday." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

"Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories." --Jay Leno

"Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate -- is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?" --Jay Leno

"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman

"Do you remember Eliot Spitzer, who was governor of New York? He had to stop being the governor of New York because he enjoyed prostitutes. Well, now, he's talking about running again for governor in 2010. He also said he's looking forward to spending less time with his family." --David Letterman

"Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman

"Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. It was just so fun. 'Look sis, it’s one of those dark brown Seventh Generation paper towels. Yeah, I love those.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Earth Day to everyone. President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa today to visit a wind power plant. There was a huge crowd on hand to greet him, partly to hear him talk about the importance of reducing our dependency on fossil fuels and partly to show their kids what a black person looks like." --Jimmy Kimmel

Is it going to rain? Here is age-old weather lore from the Farmer’s Almanac to help judge whether rain is on its way.

Bustle in the anthills and noisy chickens foretell rain.

If red the Sun begins his race, be sure that rain will fall apace.

Swallows fly high: clear blue sky;
Swallows fly low: rain we shall know.

A pale full Moon indicates rain, while a red one brings wind.

Crow on the fence, rain will go hence.
Crow on the ground, rain will come down.

Shepherd's Barometer: Or certain rules to judge the weather, grounded on 50 years' experience and observations by an ancient English shepherd, 1812.

If the sun rises red and fiery, it certainly betokens more or less wind or rain. This observation agrees with the old English rule: If red the sun begins his race, be sure that rain will fall apace.

If cloudy at sunrising, and it so decreases, it is a certain sign of fair weather, agreeable to this is an observation of Pliny's, in his Natural History, which says: If at sunrising the clouds are driven away and retire as it were to the west, it denotes fair weather. There is an old proverb to this purpose, which also deserves our notice: A red evening and a grey morning set the pilgrim a-walking.

Little round clouds like a dapple grey, and at the same time a north wind blows, denote fair weather for a few days.

If the sun be surrounded with an iris, or circle of white clouds, and they equally fly away, 'tis a sign of fair weather.

And this old English proverb is often right:
In the decay of the moon, a cloudy morning bodes a fair afternoon.
If the weather be hazy, and the wind falls away, and small clouds increase, depend on much rain, and that soon.

When mists rise in low ground and soon vanish, nothing is a surer sign of fair weather; when they are heavy, rise slowly, and keep visible on the hilltops, they soon fall down in rain, which, however, seldom lasts long.

A mist in the morning, before sunrising, and at or about the full of the moon, betides fair weather; if mists appear in the new moon, you may depend on more or less rain in the old; and when they arise in the old, there is generally rain in the new.

If the wind shifts from the north to the south in a few days without rain and turns north again with rain, returns to the south in one or two days, and so on for two or three keeps shifting, it will afterwards fix south or west two months or more.

In summer, or autumn, when the wind has been in the south two or three days, and the weather very hot, and the clouds rise one above another with white tops, like battlements of a tower, and joined together, and black on the hills, depend on thunder and rain very speedily.

You may sometimes see two clouds, one to the left, another to the right, which denote a sudden shower. When clouds float in a serene sky, you may expect winds, and if they rise from the south, depend on rain; if you see them driving at sunset, come from what quarter they will, depend on a tempest approaching.

Clouds that have a dusky hue and move slowly are laden with hail; if they have a blue cast, with large hail; if yellow, small.

The faster it rains, the sooner it will be over, and sudden rains never last long. But when the air grows thick, and the sun, moon, and stars shine dim, then it is likely to rain six hours successively.

When it rains an hour or two before sunrising, it generally clears before noon and continues so the whole day; if the rain sets in an hour or two after sunrising, it generally rains all day, unless the rainbow appears a little before the rain begins, and then it seldom lasts long.

When October and November are warm and rainy, January and February are frosty and cold; but if October and November be snow and frost, then January and February are open and mild.

Actually, from my experience of over four months total in Great Britain, don’t bother checking if the sky is red or cloudy in the morning – just take a bloody Mac and brolly along! And a pair of Wellies in the boot wouldn’t hurt either!

So, should we be walking—or running—in the rain? A report in the Seattle Times revealed that you’d actually be catching more water per second if you ran instead of walked 200 yards! Running, however, cuts in half the time you’d be in the rain. So, the short answer is: Run for it. Singing is, of course, perfectly fine in either case!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

The Barman's Prayer
Our lager,Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale,
The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

Two friends were just about to tee off on the first hole at their local golf course when another man, carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're more than welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way through the course, one of the friends turned to the newcomer and said, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was his reply. "You're joking!" was their response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, he pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then my neighbour, he's still a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen." “What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE - written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' Makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned..... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... Those opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Let's play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.
For $500 - Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? - NetanYahoo.
For $1,000 - What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? - Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000 - What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? - Debbie Does Dishes.
For $4,000 - What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman? - The "Plaintiff."
For $8,000 - How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? - "Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000 - In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? - When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000 - What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and beautiful? - Nothing, she does nothing at all.
For $64,000 - Define "Genius". - A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000 - What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? - Genghis Cohen.
For $250,000 - Why did the Moyel retire? - He just couldn't cut it anymore.
For $500,000 - If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be? - A fur coat.
For $1,000,000 - What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother? - 10 lbs