Friday Funnies May 15 09

Happy May two-four weekend to us Canucks! Actually called Victoria Day, this holiday commemorates the May 24, 1819, birthday of Britain’s Queen Victoria. After Queen Victoria’s death in 1901, the people of Canada continued to mark her birthday to show loyalty to the British Empire - well maybe it's less the loyalty thing than we just wanted another excuse for a holiday! The holiday is celebrated supposedly on the closest Monday to May 24th, but don't ask me why it's this weekend when a week Sunday is May 24th (OK so it must be the celebrated on the Monday before May 24th!). It's more affectionately known to most virile Canadian men as the May two four weekend as any guy worth his salt is expected to down at least a two-four of Canadian beer over the weekend. Cheers!

"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno

"Anybody see the White House Correspondents' Dinner over the weekend? Vice President Joe Biden was funny. I mean, not shoot your buddy in the face funny. But he was funny, you know. He did what he could." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"President Obama's national security advisor says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. Same thing with Larry King -- we don't know." --David Letterman

"What a scandal we've had brewing here in the Golden State. You're not going to believe this, but Miss California, a beauty contestant, posed for naked pictures. Her fate was decided by Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. Actually, her trouble started when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. And after noting that even President Obama does not support same-sex marriage, Trump pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, how about this? State officials warned today California could be broke by July, which is great because most people thought we were already broke." --Jay Leno

"How could California be broke by July? What happened to all the money we gave them on April 15th?" --Jay Leno

"And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno

"It seems like the drug Manny Ramirez tested positive for is commonly used for female fertility. I guess the team started getting suspicious when he stopped getting jock itch and started getting that not so fresh feeling." --Jay Leno

"Don't start with me, survivors of swine flu. Boy, last week, it was the pandemic that was going to wipe out the human race. This week, a great way to lose a little weight for bikini season. So, good news for you California housewives. You can go back to screwing your gardener." --Bill Maher

"In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. Yes. He is calling his program 'Weed the People.'" --Jay Leno

"Health officials are now warning of a new super-flu. It combines the swine flu and the bird flu viruses. They're calling it the turducken of infectious diseases." --Jimmy Fallon

"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon

"Ooh, the big story, earlier today -- I can't wait to see the ratings on this -- Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on 'Oprah.' And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno

"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno

"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center." --Jay Leno

"And government bureaucrats in China have been ordered to smoke more locally produced cigarettes in order to set an example for citizens and stimulate the Chinese cigarette industry. And health officials are worried that smoking could become the number one cause of death now because of this government mandate. But do you know what the number one cause of death is in China now? Disobeying a government mandate. So, you're kind of stuck." --Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

"The gay agenda put another notch in its thick leather crotch harness yesterday. Maine has legalized gay marriage." --Jon Stewart

"Another state legalized same-sex marriage this week. Yesterday the governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing it, and you know what that means? Gay lobsters." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, tomorrow, John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on 'Oprah.' How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on 'Jerry Springer?'" --Jay Leno

"They taped the show earlier in the week and they've been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, 'Neither one of us is out the door.' But believe me. One of them is on the couch." --Jay Leno

"And as if he doesn't have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question. Why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno

"Hey, today, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage and the first gay couple to get married? I was surprised: L.L. Bean and the old Pepperidge Farm guy." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon

"After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth." --Jimmy Fallon

"The government is now recommending that schools stay open even if they have a confirmed case of swine flu. I love it. In one week, the swine flu has gone from the end of the world to not as bad as snow." --Jimmy Fallon

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

I’m starting to be somewhat suspicious of the Chinese calendar. 2007 was the Chinese year of the Chicken and what happened? Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia. 2008 was the Chinese year of the Horse and what happened? Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing. 2009 was the Chinese year of the Pig and what happened? Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. Do you notice a pattern here? Guys, I’m afraid to tell you it's about to get much worse. Prepare yourself now because 2010 is the Chinese year of the Cock!

The ultimate irony - 90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

And I hope this one didn’t come from my wife….
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

At the nursing home, old Ernie is walking down the hall with his manhood hanging out of his pyjamas. The nurse tells him he shut tuck it back in. He says, ’But my penis died yesterday!” The nurse says, ‘So why do you have it hanging out?’ He says proudly, ‘Today’s the viewing!’

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and se if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'. "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

A Child's prayer, Very touching!
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer. Amen

Star Trek Humour (In honour of the new movie)

Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?A: All of them!

Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not a farmer!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: Computer: Insufficient information.

Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?A: It's by: Anne Droid

Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.

Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?A: It's by: I. Kiptin

Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?A: A croaking device.

Next Life by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.

A seventy-six-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "poof!" the light goes on. When I'm done, "poof!" the light goes off. "Wow”, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife." Ethel," he says, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and "poof!", the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, "poof!" the light goes off?" "Oh my God!", Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!"

A Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah then she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Chana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from such a wonderful family!

Oldie Goldie
Sid comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sid tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old. Weeks later, Sid happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man. The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Sid is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America! Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, it's their life, and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was fifty, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.