Friday Funnies April 24 09

"What was it, 101 today? Man, it was hot. People were sweating like Miss California at the gay pride parade." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's no surprise, Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in -- this is an unbelievable number -- $443 billion in revenue, and made a profit of $45 billion. You know, here's my question: why not have Exxon bail out the car companies? I mean, one can't live without the other, right?" --Jay Leno

"They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems long for an election. Unless you're from Minnesota. Then it's like nothing." --Jay Leno

"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno

"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's 'Green Is Universal' week here at NBC. We're all getting into it. Everyone here at NBC is pitching in. Earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he's going to release his hair back into the wild." --Jimmy Fallon

"Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in NY City:
10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu.
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl."
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me.
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail.
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?

"There's been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won't thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to, Texas." --Jay Leno

"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno

"And amid much criticism, President Obama has released top-secret terror memos from the Bush Administration. According to the memos, President Bush authorized various forms of torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of course, the fourth hour of the 'Today' show." --Jay Leno

"And American hero, Captain Richard Phillips, who was recently captured by Somali pirates, flew home to Vermont over the weekend. Ironically, the movie on the plane, 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to 'The New York Times,' which won five Pulitzer Prizes today, including one for breaking the call girl scandal that ended Eliot Spitzer's career. And Spitzer won a prize for fiction, for the story he told his wife about the affair." --Jay Leno

"Very exciting news. We have a Miss USA Her name is Kristen Dalton, and she is from North Carolina. She says she's now looking forward to one day being the Republican vice presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno (but she could still qualify as a future Republican vice presidential candidate)

"Well, recently, that evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book." --David Letterman

"It's hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded." --Craig Ferguson

"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on!" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he's talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he's done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno

"Here's a story that writes itself. People who contribute money to help Hillary Clinton pay off her presidential campaign are being offered the chance to spend a day with Bill Clinton. Yeah. ... No, that's real. All you have to be willing to do is write down everything Bill does and then report back to Hillary." --Jay Leno

"It's being reported a congressional aide caught a staph infection at the Congressional gym. Hey, let me tell you something. If that's all you catch from a congressman, consider yourself lucky." --Jay Leno

"Let me ask you something. Did you even know there was a Congressional gym? Have you seen your average congressman? Does Barney Frank look like he's been to the gym to you? No. I don't know who's using it." --Jay Leno

"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno

"More bad economic news. Southwest Airlines announced they lost $91 million in the first quarter. Now they say they're going to have to start cutting back. Cutting back? Have you ever flown Southwest, huh? What, are they taking the glass out of the windows?" --Jay Leno

"We have a new 'border czar.' His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas." --Jay Leno

"Do you know about this? Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax tea party this week by saying that Texas has the right to secede from the Union if it wants to. And former President Bush, who now lives in Texas, is of course against the idea. Bush said if Texas leaves the Union, they'll be a foreign country, 'like Alaska and Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno

"But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil." --Jay Leno

"President Obama's now in Mexico. He has already met with the FWEA, the Future Wal-Mart Employees of America." --Jay Leno

"Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it's cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates' way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It's the same way the bank bailout works." --Jay Leno

"In Philadelphia, a government program offering a $10,000 tax credit to any business hiring an ex-con had no takers. In fact, you know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? They get re-elected." --Jay Leno

"The state of California says that singer Dionne Warwick owes $2.2 million in back taxes. I feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, if there had only been some sort of group or network of psychics she could have consulted with." --Jay Leno

"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

"George W. Bush has reportedly landed a $7 million book deal. The book will be about his years as president and is tentatively called 'Decision Point,' because every time Bush had to make a decision, he would point to Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A lot of folks from out of town visiting New York City. Be careful, word of caution, word of caution. Never hail a cab, now I'm serious about this, never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones." --David Letterman

"Have you had a cab driver using a cell phone? I'm in the cab this morning coming to work and I said, 'Look, look, look. Look, do me a favor, stop talking on your cell phone.' And the driver said, 'I'm not talking on my cell phone, I'm on Google Earth trying to track down an oil tanker off the Horn of Africa.'" --David Letterman

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is still paying off her $6 million debt for her unsuccessful presidential campaign. And they're doing it by auctioning off a number of things, including a chance to spend a day with former President Bill Clinton in New York City, which I think technically makes Hillary a pimp, doesn't it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, the governor of Texas, Rick Perry, said Texans are fed up with Washington. He said they might secede from the rest of America. If Texas forms their own country, they could be invaded by Mexico. They'll have to change their name to Texico." --Craig Ferguson

"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party." --Jay Leno

"According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'" --Jay Leno

"And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. If you do travel to Cuba, don't forget to set your watch back 50 years. Yeah, if you go back. If you're looking for a '58 Buick, that's the place to get it." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is going to Mexico tomorrow. He visited Canada a couple weeks ago, then he went throughout Europe, then he went to Iraq, and tomorrow he's going to Mexico. See, this is what happens when your mother-in-law moves in with you. 'Honey, I'm going to be out on the road a couple weeks.'" --Jay Leno

"And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this." --Jay Leno

"You know what you call a bunch of lawyers sitting around out of work doing nothing? Congress!" --Jay Leno

"In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it's being held in Arlington's Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. 'Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something that caught my attention as I was leafing through the paper this morning. NBC is making a reality show starring former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. This is the same network that didn't want me." --David Letterman

There are more and more states now where you can get married if you are a gay couple. For example, Vermont, gay couples can get married in Vermont. So that's good news for Ben and Jerry." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You:
10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.
9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."
8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.
7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4, 270.
6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."
5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."
4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.
3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."
2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.
1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico

Yesterday was St. George’s Day.
The Farmer’s Almanac gives us this old weather proverb: “When on St. George's Day rye will hide a crow, a good harvest may be expected.” ……well, if it ain’t high enough, you can always just drink enough rye so you’re high enough not to give a damn if you can see the crow!

Oldie Goldie (prompted by the return of the good weather)
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work. Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do? I'm a rectum stretcher, she responded. The cop stammered, a what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' Well, she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide. And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.
Traffic Ticket $195.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face ...... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!

So at tax time people often ask if it’s better to buy or lease. Well, let’s take the example of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time. On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with an amazing body charges $4,000 an hour - for anything! Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a $41.7 million savings). Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, no splinters, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked - all at one seventh the cost, and no legal fees. Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.

The wealthy lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, ‘Honey, I'm going to Originals to have a beer, I'll be right back’. 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. ‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses.... ‘He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious.. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet Honey... At the bar.... You know there are swearing, dirty words and all that...' ‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? Makes my eyes tear up!

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny.The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called Lifeline. Got a stinking call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

The graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

'Geezers' are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of O Canada and the Star Spangled Banner. Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-53, The Cold War, the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam. If you bump into an Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass a Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren, if they have any. It's the Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever! Thank God for Geezers!

Food for thought;
A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business. Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together. He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Every day, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure. Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow. A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room.
When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him! When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives. Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!' All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!' When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story. The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed. 'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said. Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment.
If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you plant faith in God (Good, if you will), you will reap a harvest.
So, be careful what you plant now, it will determine what you will reap later.