Friday Funnies March 6 09

From the Farmer’s Almanac:
March was named for the Roman god of war, Mars. This was the time of year to resume military campaigns that had been interrupted by winter.

When people talk about March weather, they always seem to mention the lamb and lion saying. Some sky watchers believe that there’s a heavenly connection. The constellation Leo, the lion, is rising in the east at the beginning of March, hence the “comes in like a lion,” while Aries, the ram, sets in the west at the end of March, and so “will go out like a lamb.”

Yes, spring starts on the 20th with the vernal equinox, but March is notoriously temperamental weather-wise, with a mix of fast-moving weather systems, record-breaking storms, and mud. We advise you to savor the warm days. Fling open the windows and let spring blow in!

It is the first mild day of March: Each minute sweeter than before, The redbreast sings from the tall larch That stands beside our door.–William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

A Happy Birthday to my twin sister Mary! Many Happy Returns of the Day! You're only as old as you (think you) feel! Poor old thing's turning 60. (OK, OK, I can hear her now, " What do you mean, 'poor old thing,' Mr. Grey Hair and remember you'll always be ten minutes older than me!)

And please don’t forget for most of us Daylight Savings Time begins as we spring the clocks forward on Sunday!

"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon

And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let's hope they don't spend it all on rocks this time." -Jay Leno

"See, apparently, we ran out of banks in this country to bail out. So now we're bailing out the West Bank as well." -Jay Leno

"No. This is what they said. The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the people. All the money will go directly to the people. Why can't we get that deal in this country? Why does it go to the banks?" -Jay Leno

"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno

"Hey, speaking of that, it is now being reported that former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a book. See, it took him a while to sign the book deal, because, like everything else in his life, he was waiting for the highest bidder." -Jay Leno

"No, Blagojevich said plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it's an autobiography." -Jay Leno

"Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation." --David Letterman

"The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven't seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House." --Craig Ferguson

"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, 'Thank you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to stay.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game, to which the Canadians said, 'Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems." --Jay Leno

"Well, we got a big snowstorm here in New York City. Whew! I want to tell you, that Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble." --David Letterman

"But the good news is that the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers." --David Letterman

"I had so much snow in the suburbs, you can't see the foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

"A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to." --Craig Ferguson

"Hey, there's two big pieces of news from Iran. The first is that the C.I.A. believes that the Iranians will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now. And second, the Iranians -- and this is the interesting part -- are demanding an apology from Hollywood. Are these things related? I hope not, actually." --Craig Ferguson

"What happened is that yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe." --Craig Ferguson

"Remember last year, the Iranian President, Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, said there were no gays in Iran? Uh-huh. Let me see. There are no gays in Iran but the president has an 'arts and cinema adviser.' Kind of undercuts your case, you know what I mean?" --Craig Ferguson

"But Hollywood never apologizes for anything, ever. Like, I've seen dozens of bad movies in my life. Nobody's apologizing to me, Iran. But then again, I don't have nuclear weapons. Oh, wait, neither do you, right?" --Craig Ferguson

"Obama announced today we are finally, it's official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we're going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd." --Bill Maher

"Yeah, CitiCorp got their third bailout from the taxpayers. We now own 36 percent of CitiCorp, huh? And the CEO of CitiBank said, 'This does not change our strategy, our operations, or our governance.' Well, that's a relief. Just keep that shitty bank magic going, would you?" --Bill Maher

"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? He delivered his first speech to a joint session of Congress. I watched at home with friends, also a joint session." --Bill Maher

"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart

"So how did Obama do? [on screen: Obama discussing all of the grave problems facing the country right now]. Sobering reality, check. And the hope part? [on screen: Obama talking about the ideas he has to fix the issues facing us]. All right, hope, there you go. Nice agenda. Solid, confident, definitely... [on screen: Obama pledging to reform healthcare]. Okay, easy there, fella. Let's keep our feet on the ground here. Let's just... [on screen: Obama talking about finding a cure for cancer 'in our time']. What are you, a fucking wizard? Slow down!" By 2010, we'll have Cinnabons that make you skinnier. By 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about." --Jon Stewart

"Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama said that we can overcome this crisis if we're all willing to work hard and make sacrifices. In other words, we're screwed, because those are two things we're not good at around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The State of the Union addresses, they're a funny thing. It's very formal, but the president comes in the room like a boxer. He comes in, he makes his way through the crowd in little satin shorts, and then he takes off his robe and he goes up on the stage." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president says he intends to embark on bold new programs to expand healthcare, improve education and increase energy independence, all while cutting the deficit in half, and then, he's going to make the Washington monument disappear. So this should be exciting." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It:

10. His "office" is in the patio section at Wal-Mart.
9. Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates.
8. Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle."
7. He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange.
6. When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow."
5. Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator.
4. Claims to be the bastard child of Merill and Lynch.
3. When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"
2. Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent.
1. During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife (CBS, 3/3).

The Government announced today that it has created a mascot to be a symbol of our current economic state, given the recent bailouts. The symbol will be the condom because it accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn! It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

A young Plowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that sumbitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!""That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

American comment on the inauguration:
"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week. At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush Board Air Force One for last time. I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Bush. Every last one of them missed. "

Two Newfies were looking a Sears catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest Newfie asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?' The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." She says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." She says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

In honour of the mother of the recently born, controversial octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal, The “Octo-Slam.” You get fourteen eggs, no sausage... and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females" he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

A middle-aged guy gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Words of whizdom: (I found them written above urinals)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I found Jesus! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana

1. Men are like laxatives…they irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like bananas… the older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like weather… nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like blenders… you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like chocolate bars… sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like commercials… you can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like department stores… their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like government bonds.... they take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like mascara… they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like popcorn… they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like snowstorms… you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like lava lamps… fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like parking spots… all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint... when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?'

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Lancelot the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Lancelot revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Lancelot to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without a pause Lancelot readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Lancelot would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Lancelot to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Lancelot the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Lancelot worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Lancelot left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Lancelot found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less. He knew that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Lancelot.
The moral of the story... honour your debts.

Kitchen Wisdom: Martha Stewart Vs. Maxine

Martha : Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you.

Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine?? HELLO!!!!!!!

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

Life Observations:
- The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
- What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.
- My wife and I have a system for settling arguments. We just talk and talk until she's right.
- A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
- Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
- If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
- Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- A deceased atheist is a man who is all dressed up with no place to go!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ' Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Opening his front door, a Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much." "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property." "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuza to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distraught. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not protected from robbers?" "I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest. "Who?" asked the rabbi. "Fundraisers!"

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

Have a great weekend!
cheers, brian