Friday Funnies March 27 09

"Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven't paid them yet." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at JFK Airport in New York City today. An AIG executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd." --Jay Leno

"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno

"The country of China is going to be doing a Broadway style play based on Karl Marx's book on communism. A play based on communism. You know, that's where capitalism has been replaced by the government taking over control of all private industries. Or as we call in this country, 'a stimulus package.'"--Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations to Japan for winning the World Baseball Classic right here in Dodger Stadium. Yeah, they beat Korea 5-3, which is perfect. You have the Japanese playing the Koreans in a city full of Mexicans to determine who's best at America's pastime. I think Lou Dobbs' head is going to explode when he hears this." --Jay Leno

"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children's toys, and should solve the problem entirely." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Michelle Obama -- and I think this is a lovely idea -- she's going to put a garden in the White House, out there where the Rose Garden is. A very nice idea. And she's out there digging it up. She found three of Dick Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman

"Finally, a good day on Wall Street. Stock market went up 500 points today. Very exciting. Went up so high, even CNBC's Jim Cramer made money. Wow!" --Jay Leno

"The Obama Administration today unveiled their plan to deal with the so-called toxic assets. Those are those mortgage-backed securities all the financial institutions are holding. Apparently, the plan is to flood the banks with money, make them as liquid as possible, and then sort of soak up all these bad loans and take them away. See, they got this idea from watching those 'ShamWow' commercials." --Jay Leno

"It turns out the bonus money that AIG got was actually $218 million and not the $165 million that was originally reported. AIG said they misplaced $53 million in bonuses. And today, Senator Chris Dodd said, 'You mean that wasn't a campaign contribution?'" --Jay Leno

"Congress is now investigating the special treatment that 'Senator Dodge,' as we're calling him now, received from Countrywide Mortgage for a couple of mortgages. Senator Dodd has contended he didn't know he was getting special rates on the mortgages. And, really, to be fair, how would the Senate chairman of the banking committee have any idea what the normal lending rate would be? He would have no idea!" --Jay Leno

"This week eight tourists became the first Westerners to vacation in Iraq on an officially sanctioned tour. They're taking spring break in Iraq, which is kind of like spring break in Florida. Half get bombed. The other half get stoned." --Jay Leno

"In a move that will cost 300 Americans their jobs, the Federal government announced it will no longer buy American-made condoms made in Alabama. We're now going to buy cheaper condoms made in China. Does that make any sense? If Chinese condoms are so good, why are there over one billion Chinese people?" --Jay Leno

"We had quite a night last night. We had the president, Barack Obama, on the show. I tell you, the security was unbelievable last night. We had several of those German Shepherds, you know those bomb-sniffing dogs? And I tell you, once they got near the NBC prime-time lineup, they went crazy. Just went nuts." --Jay Leno

"Senator Chris Dodd -- or 'Chris Dodge,' as they're calling him now -- after first denying it, now admits he's the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses. And coincidentally, he just happened to receive $280,000 from AIG in campaign contributions. What are the odds of that? Man, that's like putting Chris Brown in charge of the battered women's shelter." --Jay Leno

"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it's also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher

"We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It's like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet." --Bill Maher

"We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to N.B.C. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives." --Jay Leno

"Did you see President Obama standing next to Governor Schwarzenegger? Didn't the President look like the head of a company who's introducing its latest cyborg model to the world?" --Jay Leno

"'The Washington Post' reporting that senior executives at AIG whose decisions caused the companies to collapse are long gone and that these bonuses that everybody's complaining about are actually being paid to people who are trying to fix the problem. Okay, here's my thing. Fix the problem, then you get the bonus." --Jay Leno

"AIG says they're trying to raise more money by selling their big office building in New York. It's 66 stories! And not one of them is the truth." --Jay Leno

"AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers' money, paid $165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified because the company made an extra $170 billion last year." --Jay Leno

"Well, yesterday, New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo reported that 73 AIG executives were mailed bonus checks of a million dollars or more and 11 of those people don't even work for the company anymore. Imagine that, executives getting bonus checks for a company that lost billions. AIG? Sounds more like NBC, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno

"And the government said they would like to prevent AIG from using taxpayer money to pay themselves these huge bonuses, but there's very little they can do legally. Well, duh, take a page from the Bush/Cheney book and do it illegally. Hey, we all watch '24.' You know how it works. Have Jack Bauer shoot them in the knee. Come on!" --Jay Leno

"Well, the exciting news, President Barack Obama will be on our show tomorrow night. Of course, NBC jumping on every opportunity. They say if the President does well, it could lead to his own series, '30 Barack.'" --Jay Leno

"Kim Jong-il has demanded that North Korea open its first pizzeria. It will have pizza just like the kind we have over here, but their Crazy Bread will actually be crazy."--Jimmy Fallon

"I want to go to Papa Jong's, the new North Korean pizzeria. It is going to be good. The delivery policy at the North Korean pizzeria is a little different. If the pizza is not there in 30 minutes or less, the driver gets executed."--Jimmy Fallon

On Dick Cheney's TV interviews: "You know, I don't understand this. The guy is vice president for eight years, you barely see a whiff of him. He lives in some subterranean lair, literally has his house removed from Google Earth. Then, when he's no longer accountable to the American people, he's popping up everywhere, can't get him off my TV. He's like the Mario Lopez of doom now." --Jon Stewart

"Speaking of which, he did not disappoint [on screen: Cheney saying that Obama's actions since he took office have made Americans less safe]. I trust you. So, sir, is that based on you reading the intelligence reports? [on screen: Cheney saying he doesn't read the intelligence reports anymore]. Oh, well then, maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut-the-fuck-up." --Jon Stewart

Contrasting the complicated and oft criticized bailout plans of the White House and US Congress, here’s an article purportedly from the Business Section of the St. Petersburg Times. Here’s one guy’s response to the query, "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
Dear Mr. President,
Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!
PS If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and your administration pay their taxes.

Maxine is the name of that witty, sometimes snarky character from Hallmark’s Shoebox cards who delights in giving out tongue lashings or kicks in the pants. On the subject of the American government’s bailout policies she has this to say:
"BAIL ‘EM OUT? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!" No comments necessary!

Last week the New Jersey Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling made a proposal to ban genital waxing in New Jersey's spas and salons, something they cited as a public safety issue, saying that two women injured by Brazilian waxes had come forward with complaints and one of them filed a lawsuit. The procedure is not banned in any other state at present. Salon owners felt that the ban would strip women of a popular, albeit painful, procedure and only contribute to unsafe conditions. Many women, the owners claimed, would try to wax themselves or visit unlicensed spas to maintain hair-free status (seemingly a bunch of Nair-do-not-so-wells). A fax campaign was started to inform the New Jersey Attorney General's Office that Brazilian waxes could be done safely with the proper training. Consumer Affairs Director David Szuchman, who oversees the board said, "Many commenters have noted that the procedure can be safely performed," Szuchman wrote. "I therefore believe that there are alternate means to address any public health issues identified by the board." Schuzman also encouraged the board "to begin an immediate review of the training necessary to safely provide this service, and to establish appropriate protocols and safeguards." Looks like The Garden State has dodged the bullet here and women can continue to keep their muffs coiffed. Ladies, put away those sarongs and cover-ups and break out the thongs! Halleluya! The world is once again saved from the spectre of possibly errant pubes!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor looked at the beautiful wife, thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. She began to quiver with excitement and then to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard and, looking like he was enjoying himself, put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Ahhh, the naivete (dare I say stupidity – Dare, dare you say?) and xenophobia of Brits abroad! Here are 20 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA:

- A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.

- A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

- “The beach was too sandy.”

- A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

- “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”

- “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”

- “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”

- “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”

- “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

- “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”

- “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?”

- “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

- “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”

- “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

- “I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.”

- “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

- “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ’siesta’ time - this should be banned.”

- “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”

- “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

Anagrams

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER


The Bible As Told By Children, In A Nutshell: (must have been very small children or a very big nut)
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets: (It may be missing from your version of Genesis)

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal ......And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, ‘I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other.

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Human
1. Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

Every dog has his day. A dog always offers unconditional love – cats have to think about it!

Tails of Manhattan by Woody Allen March 30, 2009

Two weeks ago, Abe Moscowitz dropped dead of a heart attack and was reincarnated as a lobster. Trapped off the coast of Maine, he was shipped to Manhattan and dumped into a tank at a posh Upper East Side seafood restaurant. In the tank there were several other lobsters, one of whom recognized him. “Abe, is that you?” the creature asked, his antennae perking up. “Who’s that? Who’s talking to me?” Moscowitz said, still dazed by the mystical slam-bang postmortem that had transmogrified him into a crustacean. “It’s me, Moe Silverman,” the other lobster said. “O.M.G.!” Moscowitz piped, recognizing the voice of an old gin-rummy colleague. “What’s going on?” “We’re reborn,” Moe explained. “As a couple of two-pounders.” “Lobsters? This is how I wind up after leading a just life? In a tank on Third Avenue?” “The Lord works in strange ways,” Moe Silverman explained. “Take Phil Pinchuck. The man keeled over with an aneurysm, he’s now a hamster. All day, running at the stupid wheel. For years he was a Yale professor. My point is he’s gotten to like the wheel. He pedals and pedals, running nowhere, but he smiles.”

Moscowitz did not like his new condition at all. Why should a decent citizen like himself, a dentist, a mensch who deserved to relive life as a soaring eagle or ensconced in the lap of some sexy socialite getting his fur stroked, come back ignominiously as an entrée on a menu? It was his cruel fate to be delicious, to turn up as Today’s Special, along with a baked potato and dessert. This led to a discussion by the two lobsters of the mysteries of existence, of religion, and how capricious the universe was, when someone like Sol Drazin, a schlemiel they knew from the catering business, came back after a fatal stroke as a stud horse impregnating cute little thoroughbred fillies for high fees. Feeling sorry for himself and angry, Moscowitz swam about, unable to buy into Silverman’s Buddha-like resignation over the prospect of being served thermidor.

At that moment, who walked into the restaurant and sits down at a nearby table but Bernie Madoff. If Moscowitz had been bitter and agitated before, now he gasped as his tail started churning the water like an Evinrude. “I don’t believe this,” he said, pressing his little black peepers to the glass walls. “That goniff who should be doing time, chopping rocks, making license plates, somehow slipped out of his apartment confinement and he’s treating himself to a shore dinner.” “Clock the ice on his immortal beloved,” Moe observed, scanning Mrs. M.’s rings and bracelets. Moscowitz fought back his acid reflux, a condition that had followed him from his former life. “He’s the reason I’m here,” he said, riled to a fever pitch. “Tell me about it,” Moe Silverman said. “I played golf with the man in Florida , which incidentally he’ll move the ball with his foot if you’re not watching.” “Each month I got a statement from him,” Moscowitz ranted. “I knew such numbers looked too good to be kosher, and when I joked to him how it sounded like a Ponzi scheme he choked on his kugel. I had to do the Heimlich maneuver. Finally, after all that high living, it comes out he was a fraud and my net worth was bupkes. P.S., I had a myocardial infarction that registered at the oceanography lab in Tokyo .”

“With me he played it coy,” Silverman said, instinctively frisking his carapace for a Xanax. “He told me at first he had no room for another investor. The more he put me off, the more I wanted in. I had him to dinner, and because he liked Rosalee’s blintzes he promised me the next opening would be mine. The day I found out he could handle my account I was so thrilled I cut my wife’s head out of our wedding photo and put his in. When I learned I was broke, I committed suicide by jumping off the roof of our golf club in Palm Beach. I had to wait half an hour to jump, I was twelfth in line.”

At this moment, the captain escorted Madoff to the lobster tank, where the unctuous sharpie analyzed the assorted saltwater candidates for potential succulence and pointed to Moscowitz and Silverman. An obliging smile played on the captain’s face as he summoned a waiter to extract the pair from the tank. “This is the last straw!” Moscowitz cried, bracing himself for the consummate outrage. “To swindle me out of my life’s savings and then to nosh me in butter sauce! What kind of universe is this?”

Moscowitz and Silverman, their ire reaching cosmic dimensions, rocked the tank to and fro until it toppled off its table, smashing its glass walls and flooding the hexagonal-tile floor. Heads turned as the alarmed captain looked on in stunned disbelief. Bent on vengeance, the two lobsters scuttled swiftly after Madoff. They reached his table in an instant, and Silverman went for his ankle. Moscowitz, summoning the strength of a madman, leaped from the floor and with one giant pincer took firm hold of Madoff’s nose. Screaming with pain, the gray-haired con artist hopped from the chair as Silverman strangled his instep with both claws. Patrons could not believe their eyes as they recognized Madoff, and began to cheer the lobsters.

“This is for the widows and charities!” yelled Moscowitz. “Thanks to you, Hatikvah Hospital is now a skating rink!” Madoff, unable to free himself from the two Atlantic denizens, bolted from the restaurant and fled yelping into traffic. When Moscowitz tightened his viselike grip on his septum and Silverman tore through his shoe, they persuaded the oily scammer to plead guilty and apologize for his monumental hustle.

By the end of the day, Madoff was in Lenox Hill Hospital , awash in welts and abrasions. The two renegade main courses, their rage slaked, had just enough strength left to flop away into the cold, deep waters of Sheepshead Bay, where, if I’m not mistaken, Moscowitz lives to this day with Yetta Belkin, whom he recognized from shopping at Fairway. In life she had always resembled a flounder, and after her fatal plane crash she came back as one.