Friday Funnies March 20 09

Happy Spring!

In our neck of the woods, Spring begins with the vernal equinox today at exactly 7:44 A.M. EDT.
The Farmer’s Almanac tells us that the word equinox is derived from the Latin for “equal night” and is used now because the days and nights are of nearly equal length. The vernal, or spring, equinox is the point at which the Sun appears to cross the celestial equator from south to north, signalling the beginning of nature's renewal in the Northern Hemisphere.

Halleluyah! I don’t think I’m alone in needing some renewal!

After the equinox, the Sun will appear higher and higher in the sky, and the days will grow longer. The tilt of Earth’s axis as it travels around the Sun causes the change of seasons.

If the following verses from the Almanac are to be believed, we should be checking the wind at noon today.

Wind northeast or north at noon of the vernal equinox, no fine weather before midsummer.

If westerly or southwesterly, fine weather till midsummer.

I’m cheering for the West or Southwest Wind!

And now to check in with the Late Night crowd:

"A very happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick's Day is a little different this year. Nobody's got any green left." --Jay Leno

"Hey, a little quiz for you. What is the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money." --Jay Leno

This morning, the President was gifted with a bowl of shamrocks from the Irish prime minister. It is a tradition, I guess. They do it every year, but what they don't do every year -- and I thought this was a clever idea -- is transplant those shamrocks into the Vice Presidents forehead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They had a big St. Patty's Day party at the White House tonight with corned beef and cabbage, green beer — the whole thing. It's an important part of Obama's everybody get drunk and forget about the economy policy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone had a nice time, but I guess things got ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You all ready for March madness? But enough about A.I.G.'s big bonuses." --Jay Leno

"Well, you've probably heard of this. The insurance company A.I.G. has done it again. They announced they're giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. So they bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they're giving out bonuses. You know the main thing they want to reward their people for? Convincing the Treasury Department to give out $170 billion to a failing company so they can give out bonuses for a job well done. It's very well thought out." --Jay Leno

"In fact, you know what A.I.G. stands for? Anybody know? Adventures In Greed." --Jay Leno

"Here's the best part. They don't have to account for any of this. Now it turns out they gave $35 billion -- not million -- $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow?" --Jay Leno

"Boy, you thought St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Let's send him down to Wall Street. That's what we should do." --Jay Leno

On Obama announcing he is lifting the ban on stem cell research: "You get a discarded embryo! You get a discarded embryo! Everybody gets a discarded embryo! It is really that easy to be Oprah?" --Jon Stewart

"There are legitimate moral and ethical concerns over the use of embryonic stem cells. Fetus farms, and then you know, there's going to be fetus farm subsidies. But they're never going to the little family fetus farms, it's going to be the agri-fetus farms. All the hippy elitists will be like, I want free range fetuses." --Jon Stewart

"According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, some sad news. Bristol Palin, you know, the daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, and her fiance, Levi Johnston, have broken up. Well, who could have seen that coming? Ironically, you know what happened? She could see him with another girl from her front porch." -- Jay Leno

"So, Bristol is now a single mother, or, as the press calls her, the Uno-Mom." -- Jay Leno

"The president of Kazakhstan has proposed that we take the idea of the Euro one step further. He wants to have a single currency for the whole world. Every economy would be based on the same monetary unit. We're doing that already. It's called oil." -- Jay Leno

"Happy Friday the 13th. Are you worried it's Friday the 13th? Hey, for the last six months, every day has been Friday the 13th. Hey, but good news, the stock market was up for the fourth day in a row. See, I don't know what makes me happier, seeing the stock market going up, or Bernard Madoff going down." -- Jay Leno

"Today is Friday the 13th. You know who is superstitious about Friday the 13th? Republicans. They say the country is having bad luck because we let a black cat in the White House." -- Bill Maher

"Despite soaring unemployment, and record foreclosures, Wall Street rallied this week when the chairman of ShittyBank said the bank does not need additional government support. Wow! The largest bank in the world can scrape enough money together to pay its bills for the month." -- Bill Maher

"Why do I feel like the quiet scene in the horror movie? You know, just after you found out the noise you heard was the wind, and then you turn around and get the knife in the face." --Bill Maher

"President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!" -- Jay Leno

"Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter. It's now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don't believe in evolution." -- Jay Leno

"Give you an idea of how bad the economy is. Rush Limbaugh down to just three meals a day. That's how bad it is." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'" -- Jay Leno

"He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno

"Here's a sign that the times are a-changin'. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants. 'Yeah, you can't have dee boobs here. No more boobs here if dare not real.'" -- Jay Leno

"President Obama today said he believes that American children should go to school longer, either staying later in the day every day, or longer in the summer, if we want to stay competitive with other countries. The president said we can't stick with the school calendar that was created during a time when most Americans were farmers, and he is right. We need a new school calendar for a time when most Americans are unemployed. So he's thinking about the future, which is good." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways the GOP Can Become More Hip:
10. Change mascot from an elephant to a can of Mountain Dew.
9. Buy one of them computers all the kids are using.
8. Appoint Michael Phelps chairman in charge of chillaxing.
7. They should totally start a band.
6. Change Rush Limbaugh's name to Spongerush Fatpants.
5. Add highlights to combovers and hairpieces.
4. Four words: Lil Wayne for Senator.
3. Bring back this guy. [on screen: video of George Bush dancing]
2. How 'bout stealing and ordering hits like when Nixon ran things.
1. Fewer reactionary old white guys.

And now for a little conservative sarcasm:

The little red hen called all of her neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

And now, a couple of leftovers from St. Patrick’s Day:

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.’ He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT’S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddyʼ. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way thenʼ. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite,’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi' Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

And maybe just one more from the Emerald Isle:

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a Week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is This Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well, 'sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough, The priest turned To the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had an ash tree that was so hard no woodpecker could peck it. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck an ash tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. And just as a footnote – each woodpecker confided that it was the best piece of ash they had ever put their peckers in!

Do you know the most versatile word in English? Well, it's shit ... that's right, SHIT! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and clay.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a stick.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, some foods can taste like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........well, Shit Happens!

Daffy Definitions:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. Dehydrated dirt.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
and my personal favourite:
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Last week I was visiting a retirement community and out of curiosity I asked one of the residents, a good looking man with a spring in his step, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' He replied "Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and gin into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!"

I start every day with some snap crackle and pop… and then after I manage to get out of bed, I go downstairs for some cereal.

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.

A Jewish man was sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same store, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?' Moishe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. And so I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!'

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

Now, enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral of the story: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is. I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
'Life isn't just about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

P.S.
On a serious note, the downward shift in the economy has affected us all and we probably all have friends, colleagues and family who have been seriously affected. It’s been a very long winter, one in which it’s been all too easy to suffer from lack of exercise and certainly melatonin from lack of daylight. Because of this we have all been especially prone to negative and sometimes even depressing thoughts. Unfortunately we sometimes let ourselves get caught up in the bad stuff, ignoring the good. We can’t always control what happens to us in life, but we can always control how we react to those events. We need to look at our lives in different ways, with different eyes. It’s spring time now. Time to turn over a new leaf. Time to start looking for longer days and silver linings. Time to get outside and take in some fresh air and sunshine with Vitamin D. Time to actively seek out all the positive things in our lives. Our springtime renewal should include taking stock not just of our finances but more importantly of all the wonderful people we have in our lives – our family and good friends. These are the resources that will sustain us through thick and thin. These are the values that far outweigh the effect on our lives of the vagaries of the stock market and banking system. Money is just a terrible way of keeping score in the game of life. We are much more than the sum of our belongings and our bank account. Time to downplay our momentary monetary situation and focus on the richness of blessings and joy we can derive from our family and friends! There is no Dow Jones or TSX when it comes to matters of love and friendship and spirituality. There is no limit to the rewards we can enjoy in this domain, no market crashes to fear no limit to withdrawals and only bonuses for early withdrawal. Spring is the opportunity for us to renew ourselves and especially this year, the way we look at life. Happy Spring and Happy Renewal!