Friday Funnies March 13 09

March proverbs and a poem from The Farmer’s Almanac:

So many mists in March we see,
So many frosts in May will be.

A peck of March dust is worth a king’s ransom.

The March sun lets snow stand on a stone.

Better to be bitten by a snake than to feel the sun in March.

In March much snow,
To plants and trees much woe.

A windy March and a rainy April make a beautiful May.

A dry March, a wet April.

A wet March, a sad autumn.

The stormy March is come at last,
With wind, and cloud, and changing skies;
I hear the rushing of the blast
That through the snowy valley flies.
–William Cullen Bryant (1794–1878)

And now for the late night quotes:

"I'd love to give you some good economic news, but here's what I got. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said that our current economic crisis is as bad as the attack on Pearl Harbor, but still not as bad as the movie 'Pearl Harbor.'" -- Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. is convinced that North Korea is testing a new long-range ballistic missile. But North Korea insists that it is just a satellite intended for peaceful purposes, like peacefully bombing South Korea." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Celebrity birthday today - Osama bin Laden turned 52 today, and apparently he's going through a mid-life crisis because he bought himself a bright red 1965 camel." -- David Letterman

"Well, in a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion. See this is capitalism!" -- Jay Leno

"In North Korea, they're grooming President Kim Jong-il's son to take over for him. You know, we should let the of people in North Korea know, this doesn't always work out the best." -- Jay Leno

"And in real estate news, the octo-mom just bought a home here in Southern California for $565,000. How is she paying for this? She's got 14 kids, no job and no credit. Who financed this deal, A.I.G.?" -- Jay Leno

"And 66 percent of Americans think the government should pass laws to fight obesity. Oh, shut up! You know, how about just passing the buffet table, O.K? Try that before we get the government involved." -- Jay Leno

"And a sheriff in Illinois is suing Craigslist, claiming it's the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Apparently there are over 10,000 prostitutes on Craigslist, according to a list compiled by former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer." -- Jay Leno

"The New York Stock Exchange, by the way, if you are interested, is now a 99 cent store so get down there and do what you can." -- David Letterman

"Well, this is kind of exciting. There's talk president Barack Obama wants to lift trade restrictions with Cuba, which is great news for anybody here looking to buy a '58 Buick." -- Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this on the news? I thought this was nice. Over the weekend in Washington, DC, First Lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic." -- Jay Leno

"And former President George W. Bush says he'll start a national speaking tour soon. You know, as soon as he learns how to speak." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama signed a bill today overturning President Bush's restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure disease and help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden." -- Jay Leno

"And astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They name the black holes 'AIG-1' and 'AIG-2.'" -- Jay Leno

"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers

"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers

"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers

"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher

"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman

"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, however. And he says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I'm thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don't know about a debate." -- David Letterman

"You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for $50 billion, and now his lovely wife Ruth was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that. She and her husband say it's not fraud money, it's money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires." -- David Letterman

"Oh, big day in Washington, DC, today. Pretty boy Brad Pitt was down there talking to Congress. Brad Pitt, of course, married to the original octomom." -- David Letterman

"Here's a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower." -- David Letterman

"So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, 'Wow! There really hasn't been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.'" -- David Letterman

"Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I'm driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning." -- David Letterman

"Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped." -- David Letterman

"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson

"One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't one of them." -- Craig Ferguson

"I love this story. The President's latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?" -- Jay Leno

"And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government's "Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'" -- Jay Leno

"Here's some uplifting news from Iraq. For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil." --Jimmy Fallon

"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife." --Jimmy Fallon

"Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1 place on the web for things that have already been invented." --Jimmy Fallon

"Our new Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is working very hard traveling all over the world. She's been to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, Israel, or as Bill calls it, 'spring break! Yeah!'" --Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to several US presidents. When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' Now I am fired!"

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, Medicare, etc. and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

Quotes from Curmudgeons:

- An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas


- Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. – H.L. Mencken


- During the performance of a very bad play, I leaned over and politely asked the woman in front of me if she would mind putting on her hat. - George S. Kaufman

- I once said of a politician, “He’ll double cross that bridge when he comes to it. – Oscar Levant


- In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact. – Marlene Dietrich


- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. – Eric Hoffer


- A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H.L. Mencken


- I prefer the wicked over the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. – Alexander Dumas


- If you talk to God you are praying, if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. – Thomas Szasz


The story of one man’s quest for love:
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am now looking for a girl with big tits.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

WALL STREET JARGON 2009
CEO -------------------- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -------------------- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET ---- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ---- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ---- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ---------------- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing..
BROKER ----------------- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ---------- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT ---------------- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ---- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION --- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ---------------------- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ---------------------------- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS ------------------------- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ------------ An archaic word no longer in use.
LIQUIDITY --------- When you look at your investments and wet your pants

Weather forecast for Iraq for the weekend – Partly Sunni but mostly Shi’ite.

So I went into the drug store and asked for the ball type of deodorant but the blonde behind the counter said all they had was the kind for under your arms.

I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!

I have a good friend in the US who, because of the economic downturn, has downsized his housing. He used to live in a million dollar home but now lives in a four hundred thousand dollar home. The only good news is that he didn’t even have to move!

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of frustration with politicians:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)


2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown, S.A. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts . "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in South Africa ." Her response - click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Arrggghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. , and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I know I'm overweight but I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes seem to have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smart ass!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this dumb? And unfortunately these idiots continue to breed, vote and represent their constituents.

Goldberg is the Shamas at the shul. One day he receives a package for the shul and signs for it with an "X". The shul president asks what gives with the "X", and Goldberg admits that he can't write. The president discusses this with the committee and they agree that it will not do to have an illiterate shamas, so they fire him. What is an unemployed shamas to do? He opens a grocery store.... And it does very well.... So he opens another. He becomes so successful that very soon he has a chain of supermarkets. He decides to expand across the country and he gets a billion-dollar loan from the bank. The loan documents are placed before him for his signature. In the space he makes an "X". The bank manager looks at the "X" on the document, shakes his head and says to Goldberg: "Mr. Goldberg, can you imagine what you could have become if only you knew how to write...?" Goldberg answers "Yes, I know... a shamas."

A man is walking down the street when a very beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is stunning, completely nude, and has green skin. Astonished, the man starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?" "Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space'." "Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Are all the women on Andromeda as beautiful as you, and do you all have green skin?" "Yes, we are all beautiful," replies the woman, "and everyone is green on Andromeda." The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedian people have 12 toes on each foot?" "Yes, they do," replies the woman. "Please, may I ask you one more question?" The woman nods. "I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedian women have large diamonds on their fingers?" "Well, no," the woman answers, "not the Shiksas."

Well, last Sunday most of us put the clocks ahead an hour so here are a few reflections on time:

Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. - William Faulkner

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Alas, Time stays, we go. - Henry Austin Dobson

Time is like the wind, it lifts the light and leaves the heavy. - Doménico Cieri Estrada

There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time. - Napoleon I, Maxims, 1815

Time is the wisest counsellor of all. - Pericles

Time is the most undefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires. - Charles Caleb Colton

Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst. - William Penn

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz

There is no moment like the present. The man who will not execute his resolutions when they are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterwards: they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and scurry of the world, or sunk in the slough of indolence. - Maria Edgeworth

Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can't buy more hours. Scientists can't invent new minutes. And you can't save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you've wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow. - Denis Waitely