Friday Funnies February 27 09

"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move 'American Idol' tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that's why it was smart that Obama opened by singing "Living on a Prayer.' Even Simon liked it, it was very well done." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight is President Obama's first address to Congress. I'm TiVo-ing it, don't tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It's all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil." --Stephen Colbert

"So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It's Canada. It's the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game." --Jon Stewart

"You're working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals ... and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?" --Jon Stewart

"The whole cast of 'Slumdog Millionaire' came out to see the Oscars. 'Slumdog' won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They're saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It is our first show back since the Obama administration. Or, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, 'End Times.'" --Bill Maher

"But I've got to tell you people, I'm a little nervous tonight. We started 16 years ago with 'Politically Incorrect' in 1993, moved over here to HBO with 'Real Time' in 2003. In all those years, I've never done a monologue where the president wasn't either a horny hillbilly or an illiterate dumbass. ... This is challenging, and it hasn't quite set in that Obama is president. I'm still writing 'Fuck George Bush' on my checks." --Bill Maher

"Well, he's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher

"Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He's been in office a month, and he's dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?" --Bill Maher

"And he does, because, I mean, some of our nation’s largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 'shitty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher

"These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster." --Bill Maher

"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves."

"President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today -- Canadian geese." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, 'Oh, you have interns here, too.'" --Jay Leno

"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. And this is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100%." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, owes $70,000 in taxes, but listen to this. She's blaming it on Alex Rodriguez's cousin." --David Letterman

"Luckily, Sarah Palin can see the IRS from her house." --David Letterman

"Are you excited about the Academy Awards? There is a film in the Best Documentary category about Vice President Dick Cheney and his relationship with the Saudis. And you know what the name of that one is? 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He visited Canada, and let me tell you something: If Obama can finally mend our relationship with Canada, well then we'll know this guy really is on to something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high." --Jay Leno

"President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he's found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson." --Jay Leno

"And the idea of nationalizing banks is becoming more popular with some lawmakers and economists. They say they're leaning towards the Swedish model for banks. You know, I've got a better idea. How about opening banks with all Swedish models." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She's on tour in Asia. Hillary's in Asia. Bill's in heaven." --David Letterman

"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters
10. How do we improve perfection?
9. Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people.
8. Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch.
7. After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, "You betcha!"
6. Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln.
5. Korean food again?
4. Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm.
3. Get a load of that bodacious booty! (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house).
2. With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide.
1. Hillary's running against me?

Finally! An explanation for the financial crisis in terms we can all understand:
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers -- most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. However they cannot pay back the debts. Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers. The end.

Where would you be:
If you had all the money your heart desires?
If you had the most fabulous home in the perfect neighbourhood?
If you had absolutely no worries?
If you came home and the finest gourmet meal is waiting for you?
If your bath had been drawn in the finest tub?
If you had the perfect kids?
If your partner was waiting for you with open arms and kisses?
So, where would you be?
Well helllooooo! You’d be in the wrong damned house!

One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told him that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."

So if the tailless cat from the Isle of Man is called a Manx, does that mean that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears hail from the Isle of Skan?

Creative Puns for Educated Minds:
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fucking party, you're just lucky you don't bark or neigh!

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. Some breeders in the U.S. crossed a Bulldog with a Shitzu and came up with an American Bullshit.

Fresh Definitions
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

A chap was sitting in a bar when a good looking woman turned to him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean .. It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.' Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?'

Twelve food related sayings: Here are 12 sayings with the most plausible explanations of their origin. We’ve been using some of these phrases for so long that we’ve lost the original meanings, so our explanation of them is based on the best guesses of linguists and historians. So you’d better just take these explanations with a grain of salt!
- “Not worth his salt.” In Roman times, salt was a highly valued commodity used for trading. To say a soldier was not worth his salt was the same as saying he wasn’t worth his salary; he was absolutely worthless. (Actually ‘salary’ comes from the Latin word for salt)
- “Pie in the sky” is actually only half of the phrase - the whole thing is “there’ll be pie in the sky when you die,” and it’s a sarcastic remark that means heaven is a silly notion.
- Money is sometimes called “dough” or “bread” because money is what puts the bread on the table. By that logic, the two are basically interchangeable.
- “Egg on your face” may come from the times of Victorian live theater. While we’re most familiar with the fall guy getting a pie in his face, Victorian theatre had the embarrassed party getting raw eggs cracked over his head. However, another explanation suggests that people who eat eggs often get yolk all over their faces, which is embarrassing.
- “Won’t amount to a hill of beans” (or the like) comes from the practice of planting bean seeds in clumps in a mound of soil (the hill). This is a very small hill indeed, so saying you won’t amount to a hill of beans is pretty insulting.
- “Apple of my eye” is thought to have originated from an old English idea that the pupil of the eye was solid, like an apple. So the “apple of my eye” is the pupil of my eye. I guess that sort of poetically means what catches my attention most.
- “Cool as a cucumber” exists because the high water content of a cucumber keeps them pretty cold. Lettuce and celery both have high water contents as well, but I guess “cool as lettuce” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
- “Cream of the crop” is because if you have a pail of freshly-squeezed milk, the cream will rise to the top of the pail because of the high fat content. Since cream is so rich and delicious, it’s considered the best - so if you’re the cream of the crop, you’re obviously the best!
- Top banana” and “Second banana” probably come from the same place. The term comes from the early 1900s vaudeville days, and may have come from comedian Frank Lebowitz, who used bananas in his act.
- The greatest thing since sliced bread” is pretty self-explanatory - how great is it to just pull out a couple of pieces of bread and not have to be bothered with getting out a knife and trying to cut even slices without hacking up the loaf? It’s hard to believe, but pre-sliced bread actually wasn’t really a practice until 1928 and wasn’t marketed until 1930 by Wonder Bread.
- “Cut the mustard” has always seemed pretty strange to me, but it actually makes sense: it means to be up to a challenge. And if you think about it, cutting mustard? Pretty difficult.
- “Dollars to doughnuts” means “most assuredly,” which I explain because I’m not sure how common it is. I use it, but I don’t know if it’s weird midwest slang or what. An example would be, “Dollars to doughnuts, Heath Ledger is going to win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.” Anyway, it comes from the fact that if you’re willing to bet dollars to something that’s essentially worthless (although Homer Simpson would probably argue with you), you must be pretty sure that you’re right. Variations include dollars to buttons, cobwebs and dumplings.

Did the Founding Fathers of the United States of America smoke cannabis? From Chris Conrad’s book, ‘Hemp: Lifeline to the Future’, we see that some researchers think so. President of the American Historical Reference Society and a consultant for the Smithsonian Institute, Dr. Burke, counted seven early presidents as cannabis smokers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, Zachary Taylor and Franklin Pierce. "Early letters from our founding fathers refer to the pleasures of hemp smoking," said Burke.
Did you know that Honest Abe was a stoner musician? According to Robbie Gennet in his book, On Role Models and their Bongs, the following quote was taken from a letter written by Lincoln during his presidency to the head of the Hohner Harmonica Company in Germany: “Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp, and playing my Hohner harmonica.”
And apparently John F. Kennedy used cannabis against his back pains and William J. Clinton smoked it but didn’t inhale (sure, Bill, we believe you). Finally there is a U.S. President who, in the tradition of the first President, isn’t afraid to tell the truth. President Barack Obama has said "I inhaled frequently. That was the point." (No wonder he held a joint session of Congress!)

Two old Jewish men were sitting in a New York deli speaking to each other in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, a relative newcomer to America, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay. The Jewish men were dumbfounded wondering where he learned such perfect Yiddish. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else would hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

A middle aged woman was out walking with her four year-old granddaughter. The girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The grandmother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. 'Why?' the girl asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' the senior replied. At this point, the little girl looked at her grandmother with total admiration and asked, 'Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' Thinking quickly, the grandmother said. 'All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma.' They walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but the girl was evidently pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa'. With a big smile on her face, the grandmother replied, ‘Exactly,'