Friday Funnies April 3 09

"Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner broke out his big plan this week to buy up all those toxic assets that the banks are holding. If you don't know what a toxic asset means, it's a piece of paper that's worthless now, but could be worth something someday, the same way Confederate money could be. Or, those old newspapers in your garage. All we have to do is find someone to buy them, preferably a moron who shits gold." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is at record levels. Of course, no one is buying anything. Consumer spending is at a standstill. The Octomom switched to a generic brand of semen." --Bill Maher

"People are pissed off. Did you hear this? This is not a joke. Melissa Etheridge says she will not pay taxes in California until they legalize gay marriage. Let's see. A high-profile liberal who won't pay taxes. Sounds like someone who wants to be in the Obama Cabinet!" --Bill Maher

"North Korea is planning to launch what they're calling a rocket, but what the rest of the world calls a missile. And Hillary had to warn Kim Jong Il today, 'do not fire your missile.' Is it me, or is this a running theme in her life? --Bill Maher

"Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said." --Jimmy Fallon

"In an unusual move for a sitting secretary of state, Hillary Clinton was given Planned Parenthood's highest award. In her speech, she revealed her number one recommended method of birth control: Pantsuits." --Jay Leno

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, 'You live in this dump?'." --Jay Leno

"I want to say welcome back to Matt Lauer, our good friend from the 'Today' show. He's back at work. He got injured on Long Island riding his bicycle. He almost hit a deer. He said he was going down the road, saw the deer, and the deer froze. Said the deer had that 'Nancy Pelosi-in-the-headlights' look.'" --Jay Leno

"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here's what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They'll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno

"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff's prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don't confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has made his prediction for the Final Four. He made his prediction today. The only ones left standing after next week will be Citigroup, Chase, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, on 'Sesame Street,' they won't even talk about letters 'A,' 'I,' or 'G' anymore." --Jay Leno

"Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It's weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That's odd." --Jimmy Fallon

"You can tell it's tourism season in Iraq because today an American had to duck a pair of flip-flops." --David Letterman

"But I was thinking about this. If you want to take a trip, a vacation, to some place where they've got sniper fire, dangerous streets, a lot of goat-based food, and random violence, just come to New York City." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon's asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it's a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. 'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"In Saudi Arabia, radical clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. This is really bad news for fans of the hit comedy, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Saudi Arabia is becoming even more fundamentalist. Clerics now in Saudi Arabia said they want women banned from appearing on television. They don't want women appearing, so apparently they get 'The View' over there, too." --Jay Leno

THE COUNTRY of TEXAS
In case things get a little tough during the next few months we Texans have a plan...
Maybe you don't know it, but Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union.
We Texans love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States, begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas announces that it is going to secede from the Union.
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost. So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States..
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm...
6.. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct,
Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health cent ers. The Houston Medical Center alone employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens: University of Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU,
University of Dallas, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT
(University of NorthTexas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, we are a Right to Work State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States and twenty-three of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in Texas . And Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island, and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are screwed!
Signed, The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about! Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of Texas are on YOU!! One Nation Under God!!

Harley Davidson, feeling the effects of the recent downturn in the economy and thinking it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's...'

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – one could end up with a dangling participle!.


A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

I was walking past a cemetery this morning and saw a fellow hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."

I was walking down the road when I saw a Muslim fellow standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up? Won't the damn thing start?"

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The "musical chairs" was a bit slow but, boy, the "pass the parcel" sure was quick!

A woman in labour in the delivery room was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her husband and says, "You did this to me, you sonofabitch!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, 'Like hell, it'll be too painful.'"

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, flipped her over, and came all over her face and hair. She seemed taken by surprise. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A man walks into a gas station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Something topical for the winds of April:
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

The International Council of Man Laws Ltd:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next, chubby!"
(medically, there’s no difference as both fellows end up in emerge!)
We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

Curriculum Vitae: (joyfully forwarded by a retired friend)
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it..
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

For all you golf addicts out there:

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows . . . I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Confucius Say:
- War not determine who is right. War determine who is left.
- If you want pretty nurse you got to be patient.
- To meet girl in park is good. To park meat in girl better.
- Man with tool in woman’s mouth not necessarily dentist.
- Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
- Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack get titbit.
- Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants.
- It take many nail to build crib but only one screw to fill it.
- Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honourable discharge.
- Woman who go camping must beware evil intent.
- Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

She was Soooooooo Blonde . .
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She thought General Motors was in the army.
- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
- At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
- She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- She studied for a blood test.
- She sold the car for gas money.
- When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
- She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
- She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

A gentile woman came to work as cook-housemaid in a Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were. "The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet, and they have a holiday named Yom Kippur, when they both eat and smoke in the toilet."

Everyone seems to be celebrating Passover this year of 5769.
Boston Red Sox GM, Theo Epstein, announced that the home opener will be postponed to April 14th to avoid the eight day Passover holiday. He noted the fact that three of his starters are Jewish as well as a lot of his box seat holders, made the rescheduling necessary. There have been several complaints from fans enraged at Epstein’s decision. In fact, protests are being tendered to the Commissioner of Baseball’s office. However, Bud Selig, the Commish, will not be able to address these protests, mainly due to a scheduling problem, i.e. the family seders he and his family will be attending.
Also unable to attend the originally scheduled opener:
Al Gore and Tipper will be unavailable as they will attend a seder at their son-in-law’s home.
Bill and Hillary Clinton will be attending a seder at the home of their daughter Chelsea’s steady.
Ex NYC Mayor Rudy Guiliani, who’s wife will be busy preparing their seder
And finally, the Obamas will be out of town at Michele’s cousin’s house, Rabbi Capers Funnye.
(Capers C. Funnye Jr., pronounced fun-AY; born c. 1952, is a Jewish African-American who is the head rabbi of his mostly African-American 200 membership).