Friday Funnies January 30 09

Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It’s the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate.”—David Letterman

“But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it’s a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments.”—David Letterman

“And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the do-not-fly list.”—Jay Leno

”Well, I mean, what’ll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don’t want them in their state or their district. Other countries don’t want them. Although, today, New York City’s Yellow Cab Company said, ‘Hey, we’ll take them.’”—Jay Leno

“This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He’s too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country.”—Jay Leno

“Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, ‘I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I’ll tell you about it.’”—Conan O’Brien

“President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?”—Jay Leno

”Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it pre-empted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called ‘30 Rocks.’”—Jay Leno

“Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as ‘an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.’”—Conan O’Brien

”Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right.”—Conan O’Brien

“It’s a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he’s doing. Yesterday, he was on ‘The View,’ the ‘Today’ show, and ‘Good Morning America.’ Today, his hair was on ‘Animal Planet’ and ‘Unsolved Mysteries.’”—Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Barack Obama’s first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they ‘unclench their fist,’ we will shake their hand. But they’re hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer.”—Jimmy Kimmel

The most popular movie theses days is “Slum Dog Millionaire’ and the least popular politician is “Scumbag Million Hairs”, Rod Blagojevich. – Jon Stewart

“I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back.”—Jay Leno

“Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony.”—Jay Leno

“You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something.”—Jay Leno

“President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel ‘The View.’”—Jay Leno

”After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it’s gonna be on Verizon.”—Jay Leno

”Actually, it’s a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They’re calling it a ‘BarackBerry.’ This is true. It doesn’t even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope.”—Jay Leno

“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, his impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday. You know, so, it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They have one politician sitting in the White House, the other one sitting in the big house. It’s a wash, pretty much.”—Jay Leno

“Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama’s president, Michael Jackson said he’s thinking about being black again.”—Jay Leno

“The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-temp of the Senate, she is next. Which means they’re going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-temp of the Senate.”—Jay Leno

”Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She’s out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out ‘cause of tax issues. The good news, she’s still eligible to be treasury secretary.”—Jay Leno

“Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That’s big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.”—Conan O’Brien

”Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It’s cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.”

“Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they’ll be no monologue.”—Jay Leno

”And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’”—Jay Leno

“Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to.”—Jay Leno

”And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there.”—Jay Leno

”No, apparently the chief justice stumbled on the word faithfully. But to be fair, a lot of people in Washington have trouble with any version of the word faithfully.”—Jay Leno

“And yesterday had the largest gathering of celebrities for any inauguration ever. In fact, there were so many celebrities and politicians together, it broke the old record set by the Betty Ford Clinic.”—Jay Leno

“And at the congressional luncheon held after he took office, President Obama asked lawmakers to reflect on what we know is in the hearts of the American people. Turns out, it’s grease, fat, and lots of cholesterol.”—Jay Leno

”Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, right?”—Jay Leno

“Geithner testified to the Senate Finance Committee today that his failure to pay taxes was just a ‘careless mistake.’ See, remember it was an honest mistake last week, now it’s a ‘careless mistake.’ He says he does his own taxes and he just made a mistake. Well, that’s great. So the guy who’s going to be in charge of the IRS is not a criminal, phew, just incompetent.”—Jay Leno

“Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn’t really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.” --Conan O’Brien

“This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next ‘Batman’ movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side.”—Conan O’Brien

David Letterman’s Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, “America’s Funniest Haircuts.”
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like “BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH.”
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don’t know ... how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, “You Betcha!” a lot.
1. Uhhh...resign?

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ The husband replied: ‘I’m watching The Superbowl with my son-in-law.’

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies. The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?’ The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?’ The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, ‘This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?’ Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, ‘Just where the hell are you from?’ The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, ‘You tell me. You’re the expert.’

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he’s looking for. He looks up and says, “I’m afraid this is serious. We’ll have to operate!” “Operate?”, exclaims the fellow, “Why, Doc? What’s the problem?” “Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You’ve developed the same sort of thing. You’ve got a brothel sprout.”

A Yuppie driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolls down his window and shouts to the snobbish driver of the Rolls, “Hey, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The snob looks over and says simply, “Yes, I have a phone.” The Yuppie says, “Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo! The Snob, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The Yuppie says, “That’s great! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The Snob, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The Yuppie says, “Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the Snob sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the Snob picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So he begins searching for the Yuppie, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The Snob gets out and knocks on the window on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the Yuppie stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Snob stated arrogantly. The Yuppie looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”

Tell me why:
Why does the word “sanction” mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllable”?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it’s called a ‘near miss’. Shouldn’t it be called a ‘near hit’?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it’s on you can see it’s on, when it off you can’t see to read.
How do you know when it’s an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it’s called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 90 miles per hour with her face up next t o her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Stupid women drivers!

Crack photographer: A porno film-maker (Richard Lederer)

She was only a Shoemaker’s daughter, but she gave the boys her awl and stuck to the last.

ALCHOHOLICS do it with spirit.

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she has an IUD with a beeper!

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A 72 year old man was sitting in his boat fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’ The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’ With age comes wisdom.

A Few Blonde Jokes:

One hot summer day, a blonde come to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The blonde said it was hers. ’Your dog seems to be in heat,’ the officer said. The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ‘cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’ The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’ ‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ‘cause I fed her this morning.’ The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’ The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the 25th floor. On the 3rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair, but an obvious amount of dandruff, gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.” To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”

A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Niagara River. She went to the Rainbow Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said, ‘Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day. ‘Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, ‘I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.’ The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. ‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,’ she explained.. ‘I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.’ ‘He certainly is,’ the captain said. ‘This is the Maid of The Mist.’

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. .......... you’re listening to your I-pod!

What is a grandparent? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples’.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’

They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

A six year old was asked where his Grandma lived. He said, “Oh, she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.

Grandpa is the smartest man on Earth! He teaches me good things. But I don’t see him enough to get as smart as him.

It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some part of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who was slapped was hurt but, without saying anything, wrote in the sand, “Today my best friend slapped me in the face.” They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and was drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone, “Today my best friend saved my life.” The friend who had both slapped and saved his best friend asked, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone. Why?” The friend replied, “When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can erase it.”
Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
Resist valuing the things in your life in favour of valuing the people in your life!